Gay Coming Out Stories / videos / experiences - Family acceptance and the future (compiled)

[Guest OppositeOo]

Mines opposite,

My parents found out I got gay friends but dunno I gay ...

But my parents rarely ask whether I still got talk to them .. Had to lie

Sigh

:Loner:

[deathrune]

I'm 22 so I know how you feel. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 16 and had to drop out of school because of it. My parents were devastated. It takes time for acceptance etc., but things will simmer down soon enough la, so don't worry.

[Guest A Friend]

I'm 22 so I know how you feel. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 16 and had to drop out of school because of it. My parents were devastated. It takes time for acceptance etc., but things will simmer down soon enough la, so don't worry.

Have you considered whether or not your clinical depression is linked to any "gay" issues? Have you talked to someone about this? It's unfortunate that you have been debilitated at such a young age.

If you have the strength and have proper professional support, I encourage you to start exploring the potential link between your sexual identity and your illness.

May peace be yours.

[Yas1950]

To each his own. If your roomie can't accept you being honest with him. Tough.

I can't stand such hyprocrites. You're better off without him.

He shud appreciate that you were honest with him in the end.

In all fairness to you, there never is a good time. so don't lose any sleep over it bro.

[babooshame07]

I saw a yahoo article about this topic and find it pretty relevant to what we are discussing.

How to Come Out to a College Roommate

Let's face it: college is horrifying. Big school, lots of classes, tough grades, competition, jobs, internships, mean professors.... Sometimes, all you want is to sink into your bed in the dorm and not face another day of it. But what about when you feel like a stranger in your dorm because you're gay and it seems as though no one will like you if you say it out loud? Sometimes the best choice is to come out to your roommate.

As with all coming outs, no matter who they are directed at, there are two things to always keep in mind: be confident with yourself, and remember that it is a choice. If you don't feel you can confidently identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, perhaps you should reevaluate your goals in coming out. You may still be trying to figure things out, or you may be queer/questioning. You choose the word you put to your feelings, so know which one you feel most confident about. No one needs to know this information, also. You hear the argument that no heterosexual has to say, "Mom, Dad, I'm straight." This guide is intended for people who believe they are being honest in coming out, or who have another reason. (Remember, though: anger, frustration, and revenge are never reasons to come out.)

The first step to coming out to your roommate is knowing when to do so. Some people meet their roommates in advance, whether through online rooming services or from meeting prior to college. Perhaps you believe this is the right time. Some students may choose to wait until room change week, so either roommate may switch rooms if discomfort arises. Try to decide which would work best for you: before school begins, when there's time to change roommates, or even toward the end of the year, when you're familiar with each other.

Next, get a feel of the environment. What sort of college are you doing to? California schools usually have a more gay-friendly population compared to schools in the Bible Belt. What's your roommate like? Ask about their clubs (GSA or Diversity Club?), favorite TV shows (Queer as Folk?), or favorite celebrities (Neil Patrick Harris?). Perhaps they won't volunteer gay-friendly material, so ask about something that could lead to such a conversation. Dropping hints about your sexuality is relatively simple without giving away any real information. If you're comfortable with your roommate already, you can possibly venture into politics and religion to get a sense of what those say about their attitude.

When you finally come out, there are several things to remember. First, be calm. You're not admitting to robbing a bank or telling them about your dark past as a criminal mastermind. You're telling them that you have crushes on the same gender, in a few words. Secondly, be straightforward. There's no need to draw out the, "Look, Rachel, there's something about me... well, don't say anything yet because I'm nervous... well, I've been trying to think of a way to tell you...." It makes you sound guilty and scared, two feelings that should not be associated with your sexuality. You love people! You have emotions! You fall in love! Those are things to celebrate! Thirdly, keep an even head about their reaction. Some people act indifferently, some congratulate you (yes, congratulate you!), some ask questions, and some need time to think. Anticipate any reaction, and move on to have a wonderful day. Any disagreements can wait a little longer. You've just done something many people struggle with for years, and now it's off your chest!

Remember to use your resources. Resident Assistants can help you deal with these emotions, as can campus psychologists and others. You're trying to improve your experience at college and make your dorm into a safe, inviting home. Congratulations!

[Yas1950]

I saw a yahoo article about this topic and find it pretty relevant to what we are discussing.

How to Come Out to a College Roommate

Let's face it: college is horrifying. Big school, lots of classes, tough grades, competition, jobs, internships, mean professors.... Sometimes, all you want is to sink into your bed in the dorm and not face another day of it. But what about when you feel like a stranger in your dorm because you're gay and it seems as though no one will like you if you say it out loud? Sometimes the best choice is to come out to your roommate.

As with all coming outs, no matter who they are directed at, there are two things to always keep in mind: be confident with yourself, and remember that it is a choice. If you don't feel you can confidently identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, perhaps you should reevaluate your goals in coming out. You may still be trying to figure things out, or you may be queer/questioning. You choose the word you put to your feelings, so know which one you feel most confident about. No one needs to know this information, also. You hear the argument that no heterosexual has to say, "Mom, Dad, I'm straight." This guide is intended for people who believe they are being honest in coming out, or who have another reason. (Remember, though: anger, frustration, and revenge are never reasons to come out.)

The first step to coming out to your roommate is knowing when to do so. Some people meet their roommates in advance, whether through online rooming services or from meeting prior to college. Perhaps you believe this is the right time. Some students may choose to wait until room change week, so either roommate may switch rooms if discomfort arises. Try to decide which would work best for you: before school begins, when there's time to change roommates, or even toward the end of the year, when you're familiar with each other.

Next, get a feel of the environment. What sort of college are you doing to? California schools usually have a more gay-friendly population compared to schools in the Bible Belt. What's your roommate like? Ask about their clubs (GSA or Diversity Club?), favorite TV shows (Queer as Folk?), or favorite celebrities (Neil Patrick Harris?). Perhaps they won't volunteer gay-friendly material, so ask about something that could lead to such a conversation. Dropping hints about your sexuality is relatively simple without giving away any real information. If you're comfortable with your roommate already, you can possibly venture into politics and religion to get a sense of what those say about their attitude.

When you finally come out, there are several things to remember. First, be calm. You're not admitting to robbing a bank or telling them about your dark past as a criminal mastermind. You're telling them that you have crushes on the same gender, in a few words. Secondly, be straightforward. There's no need to draw out the, "Look, Rachel, there's something about me... well, don't say anything yet because I'm nervous... well, I've been trying to think of a way to tell you...." It makes you sound guilty and scared, two feelings that should not be associated with your sexuality. You love people! You have emotions! You fall in love! Those are things to celebrate! Thirdly, keep an even head about their reaction. Some people act indifferently, some congratulate you (yes, congratulate you!), some ask questions, and some need time to think. Anticipate any reaction, and move on to have a wonderful day. Any disagreements can wait a little longer. You've just done something many people struggle with for years, and now it's off your chest!

Remember to use your resources. Resident Assistants can help you deal with these emotions, as can campus psychologists and others. You're trying to improve your experience at college and make your dorm into a safe, inviting home. Congratulations!

You have put it very nicely. Your answer is a bit academic. I hope everybody can grasp the seriousness of your response. Thanks.

[tamshui]

I don't know if this off the subject, but I just read something Said by Dan Savage:

You have to come out from a position of strength and you have... and some security and I get grief because I tell kids who are in college whose parents are paying for college who would cut them off to wait. Wait until the last check clears in your senior year and then come out.

That said, you can... Sometimes gay people underestimate their families because they want to justify their own cowardice. Some people don’t come out to their families when they could and their families would be supportive and the gay person is just afraid and they inflate... they exaggerate their family’s homophobia in a self-serving way as an excuse never to come out. When I meet a 30 year-old who is not out to their family, it’s always that their family is so homophobic. And really what is going on there is that that gay person is a chickenshit and a coward and so they make their families out to be these monsters that they’re not, necessarily. And so they don’t ever have to like live some integrity and honesty and ethics and I have no sympathy for those people.

http://bigthink.com/ideas/24735

[Yas1950]

I don't know if this off the subject, but I just read something Said by Dan Savage:

You have to come out from a position of strength and you have... and some security and I get grief because I tell kids who are in college whose parents are paying for college who would cut them off to wait. Wait until the last check clears in your senior year and then come out.

That said, you can... Sometimes gay people underestimate their families because they want to justify their own cowardice. Some people don’t come out to their families when they could and their families would be supportive and the gay person is just afraid and they inflate... they exaggerate their family’s homophobia in a self-serving way as an excuse never to come out. When I meet a 30 year-old who is not out to their family, it’s always that their family is so homophobic. And really what is going on there is that that gay person is a chickenshit and a coward and so they make their families out to be these monsters that they’re not, necessarily. And so they don’t ever have to like live some integrity and honesty and ethics and I have no sympathy for those people.

http://bigthink.com/ideas/24735

You have very strong views and I respect that and I understand where you're coming from.

However, respectfully, you should also know where these 30 somethings are coming from.

It is our Asian society that is mainly homophobic and therefore those "not out" gays are afraid of the

consequences when they come out to their families and to society as a whole. We have to empathise

and not condemn them.

[Guest hiro]

are there older guys or 'experienced' gays who have gone through difficulties or issues when coming out of the closet? do share and how you overcome them.

___________________

i am approaching my late twenties and is deciding to come out of the closet. i feel like i have not been living as my true self for all these while and do not want my life to go on like this anymore.

problem is i am a masculine gay and nobody can tell that i am gay. throughout my life till now, i have built up a network of friends through school, army and work. they are all straight and most of them are nice people. as i am easy going and do not behave effeminately, i make friends with straight guys very easily. i am close to some of them and we talk about our problems, lives and aspirations etc. some of them treat me like brothers and look up to me in work or as a person.

as we grow older, almost all straight guys will talk about girls. not much problem when it's just about physical looks or superficial talks. however, when it comes to relationships, i will just keep quiet and smile along. when i keep quiet, some of them do not probe further and just take it that i am selective and have not met the right one yet.

i have come to realise that living in the closet is very tiring. nowadays i seem to not want to make new friends anymore and is skipping gatherings and meet-ups. have become rather depressed. coming out seems to be entering a new phase of life completely and i hope u guys can share how to deal with it psychologically.

[Irodorido]

I once hinted my mum that I'm gay. She was so mad about it and lecture, scolded me for 2hrs. Ever since then, I find it harder to find another opportunity to tell her.

@hiro

Good luck, I was here in BW for that same reason too.

[gstc82]

How did I come out? My parents told me point blank that they know I am gay!

[G_M]

I merged the previous discussion with your post.

Go read back previous stories, hopefully you can find your answers.

Here is also another link to previous discussion, started by Briax called Coming Out Coming Home. http://www.blowingwind.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=27252

[Guest IKNOW]

The only answer you need to give is : My classmate.

Show her a class photo.

End of story.

[sexiespider]

I told my close friends and my elder sister that i like guys when I was 15. I told my mom when I was 20. And I told my younger sister somewhere in my early 20s. I never told my dad but he knows.

People have told me that I am courageous to have told my family and friends that I am gay. I've always told them but it wasn't courage that drove me to tell them. It was my want to lead an open and honest life. See, I feel that if I do not tell them about me, I cannot be myself in front of them. I cannot be true. I have always felt that if they did not know about me, that I had to always keep a part of myself from them and I wouldn't ever be close to them. I couldn't lead an authentic life. And so I decided to tell them.

I didn't prepare for it though, and this is what this story hopes to do - to share with others, so that they can prepare themselves. See, I've always thought that things would be rosy - perhaps it has something to do with my rose-tinted glasses. I've always had an unassuming belief that life will be wonderful, no matter what happens. And you know, when you believe in it, it's true.

When I was 15, I told 3 of my closest friends that I was gay. One of them told me many years later that she had always thought that I had meant it as a joke - a few of us just gathering around and me saying things just for fun - that's what she thought. Another friend eventually was lesbian.

After I had told my friends, I decided to tell my elder sister as well. Why not, I thought, since my closest friends had known, so I would like the closet people at home to know too. I do not remember how I had decided to let me elder sister know instead of someone else. I think it might be because I thought that she was older and would understand better.

After I told my elder sister, she started telling me about how she - all of a sudden - had many gay friends who all, one after the other, decide to turn straight. Somehow the world was suddenly populated with gay people, my sister knew of all them and all of them wanted to turn straight. I was amazed by it for a while, but after a while knew it was all just stories my sister had conjured up - she had hope that I would turn straight. Gradually, I stopped taking my sister seriously. I stopped listening to what she had to say and I would brush her off everytime she mentioned stories of gay friends turning straight, and eventually, brushed her off completely.

When I was 20, there was once my mom and I were sitting at a schools compound wiring for my younger sister to finish her class. My mom and I had grew close over the years and I thought, liked I've always thought, perhaps I should let my mom know. I'm close to her, we discuss about many things, mom would trust my opinions on things and seek my advice and since I'm someone who wants to be open and true, I wanted to tell her.

"Mom, I have something to tell you. Do prepare yourself," I told her.

"What is it?"

"(pauses) I am interested in guys," I said.

"Erm... You mean like guys like all boys do right, that you line your friends... Well, that's normal... All boys do that." Mom was trying to make believe to herself.

"No, mom. I really like guys. Like I am romantically interested in them."

Mom went quiet. Her eyes began to water. As she subtly fought to keep the wetness in her eyes from overflowing, a tear crept out and flowed down the side of her face.

I do not remember what happened after that. I remembered mom cried and we went home after that. Over the next few years, mom would point out girls on TV and ask me what I thought about them, whether they were pretty etc. Everytime she did that, it would only get me irritated. And I would mutter underneath my breath everytime she asked. Soon, I started ignoring her whenever she asked. Eventually, I started ignoring her generally. And didn't speak much to her after that.

My relationship with my family went downhill for the next few years. They didn't know how to accept me and I couldn't deal with how they couldn't accept me. Like I had said, I was prepared for them to only embrace who I was. I had thought to myself that if I were to be open to them, that it would only be natural for them to want to be open to me. And when they didn't know how to, I didn't know how to accept that too. I rejected them as well.

Oh, and my dad. I never did tell him. But he knows. I know that my mom or sister had spoken to him about it before. And he has seen me surf websites on men before. Once I left my phone with a photo of my ex-boyfriend and I on the phone. He stood over it and stared at it. Another time, I had Grindr on, on my phone. He also stood over and stared at it. Both times, I sheepishly took the phone away. But he never acted angrily or violently. It always amuses me how dad took it so gently.

As the years went by, I started telling everyone about me. Even though things at home didn't pan out as I expected, I was still someone who believed in living my life the way that I had wanted. I wanted to stay true to who I am. Soon, I was telling my bunkmates in army that I am gay. When I went on to university, I told my course mates I am gay. When I started work, my colleague who is gay let a few people know I was gay and soon, I was telling people that I am gay. Well, sometimes it wouldn't be a case of telling. It would be a case of when we went out to lunch, I would start talking about men, and if anyone was new, they would get it at that point that I am gay. They didn't have to ask.

I stopped thinking about me being gay as something that was peculiar. I was comfortable with it and I was going to live my life as it is - comfortable. And you know, because I was comfortable and because I was good at my job, people didn't look at me as just - "this gay person". They saw me as Roy - who is funny, witty, someone who wants to work with them together to get the job done and someone who is friendly and approachable. Being gay was only one part of me. It didn't define me, because I didn't let it define me. I just decided to be myself.

Once, I was invited by a friend to attend a diploma course for social workers. The lecturer had wanted to invite some gay people to share their stories with the social workers, to let them understand the type of clients that they would face. I shared with them my story and told them that being gay is who I am and a part of me. But I've no longer looked at myself as a gay person. I'm comfortable with myself. It would be others who would choose to look at me as gay because they are the ones who couldn't get pass their own issues and who still had issues to deal with within themselves. For me, it wasn't an issue. I have moved beyond.

And it went like this. It almost felt like I had a duty to let people know that I am gay. To let them know that I am just like them, with multiple skills and characteristics and I happen to be gay. And it's true that when people start knowing, it does get them thinking. They are made to confront their perceived beliefs. See, most people have never really thought through carefully about gay issues. They've only taken on what they think they should believe. They think they shouldn't accept because they shouldn't. But when they got to know me, they had to start thinking about these questions. What's wrong with being gay? Roy is just another person who is well, just another person. I could work with him. He wants to do his best in his job. He's a good friend, he's someone I can talk to, someone who is understanding. I don't even remember that he's gay! In fact, I enjoy it when he tells me stories about his relationships and the men he meets! In fact, I get to learn more about things and not hide behind what I've been told to do.

Of course, I do meet people with firm beliefs who still felt that who I was unacceptable to them. A bunkmate in army had told me that he thought that I was a nice person but he simply couldn't accept it. A colleague had said that she thought that I was a fun person to hang out with and she enjoys my company, but she couldn't accept that I am gay. Well, everyone has their own paths and journey. I cannot make everyone accept me. That's not my job. My job is to be happy with my life and live my life, one that I can be proud of. And not everyone has to accept me. That's their journey and their path to understanding. And that's fine. Do I wish everyone could accept me? Of course I do. I am born gay. It's my right to be who I am. And I will continue to believe in this right and to reclaim it. It's a basic human right to be who I am. By and large, people have been generally supportive. See, when you are comfortable with yourself, there's no reason why people shouldn't be. If there aren't, then they have to look within themselves. If I am so comfortable with who I am, why are they still not? Slowly, by allowing others to know, we help to change mindsets. We help people to think, understand, reflect and gradually, accept.

A few years ago, I had wanted to move out of the house and perhaps migrate. I didn't feel like I was part of the family anymore and wanted to leave the house. I was quite independent by then and had learnt how to appreciate being on my own. And I was exploring moving out.

Then my elder sister got married. Somehow, it was an interesting impetus, but I had such overwhelming joy for my sister when I saw her married. I was so happy for her that the barriers came down. I stopped being angry with her. I started opening up to her. I started listening to what she had to say and I stopped judging her. And slowly, I started opening up to my family. I started being patient with them. I started smiling in their presence. I guess I've also reached a point where I was comfortable with myself, and where I understood that I had to learn to forgive them for not being to accept me.

And then I understood that for them, they would need time to understand and accept me. They still love me. But knowing that I am gay had meant they they would need to relook their understanding of what being gay means. They've always known and thought it to be wrong. And now their closest member is gay. How should they deal with it? There weren't many resources for them to read up on. They didn't know how else to think. How were they to think? How were they to understand otherwise. And during all these years, I've closed myself up from them as well. They didn't have a chance to understand through me.

But somehow, the years that it had taken for us to learn and understand helped us understand. My sisters learnt that as a gay person, I do seek to love and be loved, and I do want to be in a relationship with someone whom I can live an enriching life with. They understood that I am just like them, a person who believes in love and wants to love. It helps that we started talking about things and I would share with them my dreams and aspirations.

Last year, my mom told me, "actually, what I'm worried about is that you might meet a guy who might infect you with HIV because he doesn't care, or that you will grow old lonely. That's what I am worried about."

And I told her, "Mom, as a gay person, I understand that I might grow old and be on my own. I understand that I might day be infected with HIV. But mom, I am informed about HIV. I would always use condoms and protect myself. And I am gay, it's who I am. It's my journey to learn and go through. If I am alone when I am old, I'm prepared to face it. And mom, for you, it means that you have to learn to understand. You have to learn to understand and accept who I am."

Mom doesn't speak too much about me being gay. But I've brought my ex-boyfriends home and ex-dates and she has been welcoming to them.

Back to dad. I've never told him, we don't talk about it, but I know he is ok. Once we were talking about relationships, and dad mentioned, "all of us go into relationships, say if people chose to have girlfriends... (then he paused)... Or boyfriends..."

I don't remember the rest of the conversation but I remembered then, that he had accepted me as who I am. And I as touch. And I was proud of my dad.

And I thin eventually it's really about whether we are comfortable with ourselves. We need to learn to accept ourselves first. We have been led to thin that society isn't accepting towards gay people and we have chosen to believe that, and allow that to guide our lives. But truth is no one as really thought carefully about their attitudes towards gay people. They've simply taken on the beliefs that they have been led to think.

I had to take these beliefs and learn to throw them aside. I had to learn that I wanted to be happy, and I needed to find my own way towards my own happiness. I had to learn to accept myself and learn to be ok with who I am.

When we learn to believe in ourselves, then we would learn to understand that we want to live a life that's ours and that we can be proud of.

Many times, I've heard about how we are worried that others wouldn't accept. But my own experience and that of those I've learnt from has shown me that people actually haven't formed a strong belief about gay issues. They simply haven't thought enough, and when they are made to think, sometimes what happens is better than what we would expect.

It took me many years for me to get here. But I'm glad that I'm here, that I can be who I am. And be proud of myself. For some of us, it might take many years. For some, it would be shorter. For a few, maybe longer. But letting others know that we are gay, and for them to learn to accept, is a journey for both of us. And that's the beauty of it. At the end of it all, it can only be better.

I've learnt that no matter what happens, I will be proud of myself. I will be comfortable of myself. I'll lead my life the way I know best for myself because this is what I can do to myself. And as long as I lead an open, honest and authentic life, I think, for me, I'm happy and I have allowed myself to be true to myself.

[Guest Matt]

Great! I believe this story can inspire others to be Happier... And that's all that matters.

[sexiespider]

Great! I believe this story can inspire others to be Happier... And that's all that matters.

Hey thanks! I had written this story because I was chatting with a friend who spoke about how he didn't know how to let others know. And I wanted to write this so that other people could have an example in that sense. And if more of us share, we can learn from one another

[amicablyalan]

thanks! :clap:

[innocense]

I'm prepared to let my friends and peers to know about my sexuality but not my relatives and definitely not my mother. I'm prepared to face all the criticisms but what I afraid most is that my sexuality will just make more people and my relatives to look down on my mum more and I know they will because I understand the kind of people they are. Most importantly I am worried that she will be devastated.

I did tell my elder brother that I am a gay when I finally want to admit to myself that I'm a homosexual.

[sexiespider]

I'm prepared to let my friends and peers to know about my sexuality but not my relatives and definitely not my mother. I'm prepared to face all the criticisms but what I afraid most is that my sexuality will just make more people and my relatives to look down on my mum more and I know they will because I understand the kind of people they are. Most importantly I am worried that she will be devastated.

I did tell my elder brother that I am a gay when I finally want to admit to myself that I'm a homosexual.

Hey, one thing I didn't mention here is the selection of who to tell. I also had to go through my own internal selection of who I should tell, in terms of who I was closer to and who would be more receptive. I don't always make the right decision! But it does mean that over time, I learn how to manage ther reactions, where perceived as positive or negative.

But thanks for sharing!

[Allegro]

Made an appointment with both of my parents at a nearby Mac a few years back when I was still in poly and it was there that I came out to them. Although they expressed extreme EXTREME disappointment, they managed to accept it a few days later. Which straight parent doesn't want to have grandchildren? I still remember vividly there was a family sitting next to our table, the couple was definitely eavesdropping and they were staring at me like I was an alien, but I made my point clear: I don't fcking care. However, there are some situation where it's better to remain closeted...

Edited July 8, 2012 by Allegro

[Guest guest]

sexiespider how come all yr essay so long winded?can keep in short and easy for us to read?am sure many others agree with me.maybe u can work as a reporter or news writer.

[sexiespider]

Made an appointment with both of my parents at a nearby Mac a few years back when I was still in poly and it was there that I came out to them. Although they expressed extreme EXTREME disappointment, they managed to accept it a few days later. Which straight parent doesn't want to have grandchildren? I still remember vividly there was a family sitting next to our table, the couple was definitely eavesdropping and they were staring at me like I was an alien, but I made my point clear: I don't fcking care. However, there are some situation where it's better to remain closeted...

Hey, agree - as long as a person is happy and comfortable with his/her life, even if he/she doesn't let anyone know, I think it's fine too.

For me, I told my family, friends and colleagues because I needed to let others know, so as to be happy (when I can be true to myself). Not everyone needs that, and that's ok

[qez]

sexiespider how come all yr essay so long winded?can keep in short and easy for us to read?am sure many others agree with me.maybe u can work as a reporter or news writer.

Wall of text hits you for 9,999 damage.

It's super effective!

[gstc82]

I think most parents will accept their child as gays as long as we don't "flaunt" our "gayness". I was taken aback when my parents told me they know I am gay years ago, we are fine, however, please don't rush into opening up to your parents, do some investigating work first as there are still parents who may not accept or even disown you, do it when you are financially independent to have more " leverage".

[Guest anon69]

Watch the korean drama life is beautiful. The love story features a coming out story. Maybe we all can learn and be inspired.

[ophio81]

Sexiespider, I like your story. I really admire your courage at age 15, and wish I had half of that even today. Reading through the phases of your journey, I had several "I went through that!" moments. My coming-out was very dramatic, sudden and cathartic. I was raw for days. Here's my story:

22nd January 2011, Saturday

I am trying to make sense of what has happened to me since last week, and where my life is heading henceforth. Last Saturday, I came out to my parents. I told them I am gay. Why? Because they confronted me with what passes today for “prophetic truth”, i.e. what the latest Indian astrologer had predicted in my ஜாதகம் (astrology, in Tamil). Of all the ways of my parents finding out about my sexuality, this one is the least expected. I still find it hard to believe. I had long since been suspicious of the dubious art, even before I turned to atheistic thoughts. Anyway this is what the astrologer predicted, according to my parents’ account last Saturday.

1) I am having this “weakness” in marriage.

2) Astrologer did not really know how to describe this “weakness”.

3) When my father asked, “Is it between man and woman?”, he said no. “Man to man?”. The astrologer at this point nodded his head or tapped the table with both index fingers in agreement (probably both).

4) Captain Astro (I shall refer to the astrologer in this way henceforth) then assured my mum that this is a “passing weakness” and can be cured through prayer.

5) For the next few months till October, I would experience “சனி தோஷம்” (bad / unlucky period, in Tamil).

6) I would not get married till 37 years of age, when I would meet a “strong woman who will be an asset to me”.

I had a long hard talk with them about how I had felt different, and attracted to men since Primary Two. I had the sense to conceal from them certain habits of mine, including going to spas. Even my brother had prudently concealed his own sexual exploits before telling my parents about his girlfriend. My parents belong to a different era altogether, one in which pre-marital sex of any kind was a big NO-NO. Mum took the news of her “golden boy’s” sexuality very hard. She could not understand how a Primary 2 kid could even have such thoughts. She thinks a kid at that age could not possibly “know” anything, so assuming I was gay at age, 8, is just preposterous. There’s the good, old “You know nothing, so shut up, 1980′s died-in-the-wool MOE teacher” resurfacing. Even now, she thinks her 30 year old son has insufficient experience to “decide or know” if he is gay or straight. She will never understand that it is not a choice for me, though I have pointed out to her that could never “choose” for myself a “lifestyle” that I knew would bring pain and suffering and no uncertain amount of shame to myself and my family. Logical arguments do not work with her.

She made me place my hands on Guruvayurappa’s (a Hindu god) feet – in the picture – and started sobbing uncontrollably, pleading with him to cure her son, crying, “I do not want a gay son” repeatedly. I have never seen her cry so pitiably in my life, and I doubt my brother had done anything to make her this upset in the past, – all the more my sense of guilt and shame to cause this much pain. At that point, between my mother’s tears on my back, I stared, and stared, and stared at Guruvayurappa’s face and one emotion prevailed in me. Anger. Anger at an impotent, non-existent god in whom my mother placed so much faith – faith that was not rewarded. Anger at myself for being born and causing her to cry like this. Anger at a family culture of rewarding “toeing-the-line” while punishing any sign of untowardness or deviance. Anger at Indian “traditional culture” that valued கெளரவம் (Tamil for honesty/honour) above love and respect for the individual.

Mum wanted me to promise I would never associate with gays again. To this, I gave no reply. I knew I could not keep such a promise for long. In this at least, I am certain. I cannot allow my parents, or stars, or complete strangers who look at the stars expecting life-altering answers – instead of over-strained irises and lenses – to dictate my life. As long as I live under their roof however, I still need to abide by their rules and that means at least pretending to pray (both in the prayer room and yes, at the temple – they actually want me to start going to temple every Saturday. I have reasoned with them, this is not going to help me or change me in the slightest, but they do not want to entertain the opinions of an atheist (and therefore ignorant) son.

I invited my brother over for dinner on Friday and came out to him as well. His immediate reaction was a painful grimace. He seemed to think I could change by mixing more with girls. Then he contradicted himself by mentioning his lack of shock at my revelations. He suspected I was gay all these long years, yet explained this away as my own tendency to “do what I like, only, and therefore stick to the same kind of people only”. If that were the case, I could definitely have straightened outsince I only started to befriend people who I knew to be gay in NS! Since sexuality is most often determined before the age of 7-8, how could I possibly have been attracted to men all those years before NS, without having contact with a single gay? Will further explanations and counter-arguments help these people understand? No. They are oblivious to logic. I am considering showing them “Prayers for Bobby”, since movies have a way of conveying emotional messages more to my mum. My only fear is they will be so scared I will commit suicide after watching it.

Another option is really appealing to me now. Find a job overseas and leave this country and my bigoted family. The only problem is of course, getting the job first. Even if my family does accept me, what hope is there of setting up a “gay family” in Singapore? What is the point of living with a loving man if I cannot express that love in public, indeed in a society that does not even endorse consensual sex between 2 males? A more temporary solution is to find some friends and rent a place here. At the very least, it would assert my independence. But is all this worth sacrificing the many comforts and conveniences of living here with my parents? Money is also a key issue. Do I have enough to support myself? I cannot believe all this is happening just because of the incredibly lucky and intuitive guess of Captain Astro.

Edited July 14, 2012 by ophio81

[Guest Cute Exec]

Lately I always thinking to bring my bf to my family.

[innocense]

Sexiespider, I like your story. I really admire your courage at age 15, and wish I had half of that even today. Reading through the phases of your journey, I had several "I went through that!" moments. My coming-out was very dramatic, sudden and cathartic. I was raw for days. Here's my story:

22nd January 2011, Saturday

I am trying to make sense of what has happened to me since last week, and where my life is heading henceforth. Last Saturday, I came out to my parents. I told them I am gay. Why? Because they confronted me with what passes today for “prophetic truth”, i.e. what the latest Indian astrologer had predicted in my ஜாதகம் (astrology, in Tamil). Of all the ways of my parents finding out about my sexuality, this one is the least expected. I still find it hard to believe. I had long since been suspicious of the dubious art, even before I turned to atheistic thoughts. Anyway this is what the astrologer predicted, according to my parents’ account last Saturday.

1) I am having this “weakness” in marriage.

2) Astrologer did not really know how to describe this “weakness”.

3) When my father asked, “Is it between man and woman?”, he said no. “Man to man?”. The astrologer at this point nodded his head or tapped the table with both index fingers in agreement (probably both).

4) Captain Astro (I shall refer to the astrologer in this way henceforth) then assured my mum that this is a “passing weakness” and can be cured through prayer.

5) For the next few months till October, I would experience “சனி தோஷம்” (bad / unlucky period, in Tamil).

6) I would not get married till 37 years of age, when I would meet a “strong woman who will be an asset to me”.

I had a long hard talk with them about how I had felt different, and attracted to men since Primary Two. I had the sense to conceal from them certain habits of mine, including going to spas. Even my brother had prudently concealed his own sexual exploits before telling my parents about his girlfriend. My parents belong to a different era altogether, one in which pre-marital sex of any kind was a big NO-NO. Mum took the news of her “golden boy’s” sexuality very hard. She could not understand how a Primary 2 kid could even have such thoughts. She thinks a kid at that age could not possibly “know” anything, so assuming I was gay at age, 8, is just preposterous. There’s the good, old “You know nothing, so shut up, 1980′s died-in-the-wool MOE teacher” resurfacing. Even now, she thinks her 30 year old son has insufficient experience to “decide or know” if he is gay or straight. She will never understand that it is not a choice for me, though I have pointed out to her that could never “choose” for myself a “lifestyle” that I knew would bring pain and suffering and no uncertain amount of shame to myself and my family. Logical arguments do not work with her.

She made me place my hands on Guruvayurappa’s (a Hindu god) feet – in the picture – and started sobbing uncontrollably, pleading with him to cure her son, crying, “I do not want a gay son” repeatedly. I have never seen her cry so pitiably in my life, and I doubt my brother had done anything to make her this upset in the past, – all the more my sense of guilt and shame to cause this much pain. At that point, between my mother’s tears on my back, I stared, and stared, and stared at Guruvayurappa’s face and one emotion prevailed in me. Anger. Anger at an impotent, non-existent god in whom my mother placed so much faith – faith that was not rewarded. Anger at myself for being born and causing her to cry like this. Anger at a family culture of rewarding “toeing-the-line” while punishing any sign of untowardness or deviance. Anger at Indian “traditional culture” that valued கெளரவம் (Tamil for honesty/honour) above love and respect for the individual.

Mum wanted me to promise I would never associate with gays again. To this, I gave no reply. I knew I could not keep such a promise for long. In this at least, I am certain. I cannot allow my parents, or stars, or complete strangers who look at the stars expecting life-altering answers – instead of over-strained irises and lenses – to dictate my life. As long as I live under their roof however, I still need to abide by their rules and that means at least pretending to pray (both in the prayer room and yes, at the temple – they actually want me to start going to temple every Saturday. I have reasoned with them, this is not going to help me or change me in the slightest, but they do not want to entertain the opinions of an atheist (and therefore ignorant) son.

I invited my brother over for dinner on Friday and came out to him as well. His immediate reaction was a painful grimace. He seemed to think I could change by mixing more with girls. Then he contradicted himself by mentioning his lack of shock at my revelations. He suspected I was gay all these long years, yet explained this away as my own tendency to “do what I like, only, and therefore stick to the same kind of people only”. If that were the case, I could definitely have straightened outsince I only started to befriend people who I knew to be gay in NS! Since sexuality is most often determined before the age of 7-8, how could I possibly have been attracted to men all those years before NS, without having contact with a single gay? Will further explanations and counter-arguments help these people understand? No. They are oblivious to logic. I am considering showing them “Prayers for Bobby”, since movies have a way of conveying emotional messages more to my mum. My only fear is they will be so scared I will commit suicide after watching it.

Another option is really appealing to me now. Find a job overseas and leave this country and my bigoted family. The only problem is of course, getting the job first. Even if my family does accept me, what hope is there of setting up a “gay family” in Singapore? What is the point of living with a loving man if I cannot express that love in public, indeed in a society that does not even endorse consensual sex between 2 males? A more temporary solution is to find some friends and rent a place here. At the very least, it would assert my independence. But is all this worth sacrificing the many comforts and conveniences of living here with my parents? Money is also a key issue. Do I have enough to support myself? I cannot believe all this is happening just because of the incredibly lucky and intuitive guess of Captain Astro.

I feel sad for your encounter and I believe over the time they will just accept the fact that you are a homosexual and you are their son.

Your mother cried probably is because she is worried that you are going to face all the criticisms and the kind of harsh attitude the society going to treat you and she also feel sad for you that most likely you are going to grow old and die alone in future.

Just give them more time to accept who you are and in the mean time just don't bring up this gay topic again in case it create any tension.

[MarriedTop]

Bravo for those who have/had the courage~ :clap:

[ophio81]

I feel sad for your encounter and I believe over the time they will just accept the fact that you are a homosexual and you are their son.

Your mother cried probably is because she is worried that you are going to face all the criticisms and the kind of harsh attitude the society going to treat you and she also feel sad for you that most likely you are going to grow old and die alone in future.

Just give them more time to accept who you are and in the mean time just don't bring up this gay topic again in case it create any tension.

Hi, the problem is every time they bring up the topic indirectly. For example, they talk about marrying a girl, about going to temple so that I can "straighten out", they stubbornly hold onto the astrologer's talk. When they did this for one year, I felt I had no choice but to stand up for myself, because nobody else would. Secondly, if I did not stand my ground, they would run away with the idea that I accepted what they said and continue hoping that I was indeed changing for the better. But more recently, I had a revelation. After more than one year of arguing, all my bluster had achieved nothing. My parents are no closer to acceptance, so obviously, my strategy had failed. As I re-examined my strategy and my rationale behind it, it finally dawned on me.

Why did I need them to understand or accept my homosexuality? I was playing into their hands by giving them "power" over my life. If they wanted to hold on to their beliefs, that does not invalidate my own. In fact, it made them all the more irrelevant in my life. I used to be shackled to a belief that family is everything, and that whatever I did needed to be accepted by them in order to maintain harmony. How naive I was! Sexiespider was right - we need to accept and be comfortable with ourselves first and foremost if others were going to do the same. So I quit arguing and for about 1-2 months now, every time they talk to me, I give them bare minimum, neutral answers. Otherwise, I don't talk to them. If they said anything homophobic or about marriage or astrology, I would intone to myself, "Ignore them, because they are ignorant, they have become irrelevant to me". I am planning to move out and be independent, just live for myself once, rather than live for other people.

[innocense]

To ophio81,

I guess it can't be help, just like any other gay parent they still clinge on to the hope that one day their son/daughter will turn straight and married to an opposite sex person.

You are right to think of moving out and be independent if it help you to live a more comfort life.

[sexiespider]

Hi, the problem is every time they bring up the topic indirectly. For example, they talk about marrying a girl, about going to temple so that I can "straighten out", they stubbornly hold onto the astrologer's talk. When they did this for one year, I felt I had no choice but to stand up for myself, because nobody else would. Secondly, if I did not stand my ground, they would run away with the idea that I accepted what they said and continue hoping that I was indeed changing for the better. But more recently, I had a revelation. After more than one year of arguing, all my bluster had achieved nothing. My parents are no closer to acceptance, so obviously, my strategy had failed. As I re-examined my strategy and my rationale behind it, it finally dawned on me.

Why did I need them to understand or accept my homosexuality? I was playing into their hands by giving them "power" over my life. If they wanted to hold on to their beliefs, that does not invalidate my own. In fact, it made them all the more irrelevant in my life. I used to be shackled to a belief that family is everything, and that whatever I did needed to be accepted by them in order to maintain harmony. How naive I was! Sexiespider was right - we need to accept and be comfortable with ourselves first and foremost if others were going to do the same. So I quit arguing and for about 1-2 months now, every time they talk to me, I give them bare minimum, neutral answers. Otherwise, I don't talk to them. If they said anything homophobic or about marriage or astrology, I would intone to myself, "Ignore them, because they are ignorant, they have become irrelevant to me". I am planning to move out and be independent, just live for myself once, rather than live for other people.

Hey, so sorry for the late response!

I am really glad you seem to be moving towards being more in touch with yourself. And I think you seem to be understanding that fast, which is good. I say, "fast", but there's really no time boundaries to our learning - like I took years! Lol.

I do think that it might be a good strategy to ignore them for now. Even though, in the best case scenario, you would want to be able to explain to them, to assure them, give them more facts and information so that they can make an information decision. But then, the various reasons why this might not be possible at this point is that they are not ready, and because if I were them, I might want to listen to a more trusted source - say a professor or something - not to say this "trusted source" is better, but people tend to want to listen to advice from sources of authority. So, I think at this point, letting them be might be the best.

I say, let them be, also because they need their time and space to learn to understand and find a way to accept, in their own way. For example, it took my mom and sisters years before they found their own breakthrough to understand. I cannot be in the position to help them understand simply because they would think that I would give a biased perspective. So, like if our ex-boyfriend decide to leave us, we wouldn't want to listen to what he has to say, we would want to listen to our friends. It's a similar perspective, in a way.

So, I think let them have their space. When we let our family members know, not only do we have to learn how to come to terms with their emotions, attitudes and behaviours, so do they have to learn to come to terms with ours. Sometimes, we forget they need to do that. For example, I forgot. In my mind, it was - why couldn't you accept? What's so tough to make you accept? This is who I am. This is natural. Why can't you see that? And actually, they can't. They don't live my life. They have never seen how I looked at things. Just as I would never understand what they go through. I think, for most of us, we want them to accept because when we let someone know, or someone finds out, our first thought is - please accept me, and why? We want acceptance because we need affirmation. That's the nature of social beings - we live with others.

But like you've said, once we learn that we can accept ourselves and love ourselves, we will be strong enough to learn to live with our lives and be happy. Next, if we understand that they need their time and space to learn and understand, and actually, to realise that they do not have to look at themselves with self blame (if they think that they could be at fault in anyway), then they will - similarly - learn to accept themselves, and be able to accept us. But before that time comes, it's a journey that they have to go through. And that's fine.

I used to have the same thoughts. I wanted to move out, and I wanted to go overseas. That was a few years ago. I harboured this thought for a few years, when I felt that things weren't going anywhere. Thankfully, things changed for the better. What happened was - I decided to take on a more positive attitude. I decided to be happy for myself, and actually happy for them when things happen, and realise and understood to let them be, and grow. And that I have my own path to grow. And it's ok. We grow differently. And after learning how to love myself and accept myself, I slowly learnt how to accept that they have their own life paths.

I actually think perhaps it's a good thing that your parents found out through astroboy. I mean, it does take a load off your shoulders, in a way. What it does mean, like other people who either let their parents know or where their parents find out, is that, we have to go through a period of understanding ourselves, understanding one another, accepting ourselves, accepting them and their journey and understand that it's ok, that life goes on. This is one of life's episodes and there will be more to come. And each episode means something different and help us grow and learn.

And I do think you are moving in the right direction and you are going well. And you are thinking about how to do things better, so I think you will be ok

[atropine]

Let me share a little about myself.

I'm currently a student in a local university, and i thank my parents for sacrificing themselves just to give me the best.

I was not from a wealthy family, I could not afford many gadgets which my friends had. My parents would scrimp every cent they could just to get me the toy I wanted. When I recall these moments now, I feel utterly remorseful for not understanding the financial situation of the family.

Now as I got into a local university, with a scholarship, my parents often introduce me to their colleagues and friends and boast about the success of their child. Its nothing arrogant, just the pride parents would feel when their child is almost successful. I am glad for once, I make them proud of themselves.

However, God played a joke on me. He made me gay the day I was conceived.

In all these years, I have been feeling lonely and empty. I often use sex to fill up the pit in my life.

Whenever I feel upset or hurt in a relationship, I have no one else to turn to. I have no friends who could understand the life of a gay and I dare not to tell my parents. I often cry in bed until I fall asleep. I wake up the next morning putting up a fake smile greeting my parents.

I feel that the emotional stress is building up and i'm afraid I could not hold on much longer. Yet, I wouldnt want my parents to know I am gay. I would not want them to blame themselves for not raising me up as a true man. I choose to suffer in silence and act as if I am normal.

Right now, I visualise myself telling the truth to my parents and when they accept me for who I am, makes me cry out the tears of joy. I long for this day to come, but I know in reality, situation will not be this impeccable.

Now that you've known the reason why I would never step out of my closet in the family, would you concur with my choice?

[Guest stbrianud]

Dude.. there is nothing wrong with being gay.. if you still think that maybe you need to think about yourself because thinking about your parents...

i got this implication from "However, God played a joke on me. He made me gay the day I was conceived." btw

[teentitans]

You are not alone.

I believe God didn't play a joke on you, you are meant to be the way you are, gay, and I'm pretty sure many of us are struggling with this coming-out-to-parents issue.

Going through your mental turmoil before, I made up some decisions as to when is the right time.

IMO

1.) I must be financially stable and capable. If all else fail and things take a turn for the unpleasant, I can still support myself.

2.) I wouldn't bother coming out to them if I'm not attached, or in a steady relationship.

3.) Parents, especially moms, know their children best. If years on and you're not attached to any girl, or anything along that line...it will soon raise doubts and questions, whether or not they discuss with you is another matter. And if they did, take that chance to come clean I guess.

PS: Oh and the first step to coming out to others, you must first come out to yourself. Acceptance.

XOXO

Edited September 24, 2012 by teentitans

[merlinkun]

God created everyone in His image, and God is perfection, thus you are exactly what God wants you to be.

Take a more light hearted approach, hint to them you are not into ladies, then slowly build up. (of course get ready a place to stay and money and a job and whatever if you were ever kicked out or something)

Edit: Oh I actually once outright told my mom I don't like girls when she "threaten" to "marry" me off. Now I told my aunt I am never going to get married (which is false, cuz you can get married to a guy in some parts of US or Canada or something). lol

Edited September 24, 2012 by merlinkun

[charvo87]

stay strong.

[sgboxers]

Hey there dude,

First of all, I think you are being too hard on yourself. From how it looks, you need friends (straight or gay) to know the situation you are in. I do feel the support system from friends is very important. However, that being said, you have to accept who you are before you can get anyone else to accept you. And from the looks of it (or what I gathered from your thread), you pretty much have not.

From my experience, I wouldn't say I tell every single person I met that I'm gay. But, at least, a few of my close friends (some are straight) know about me and are able to render me support in times when I needed to convey what I was going through. That said, I'm still learning to accept myself as a gay person and while on this journey, I realized that the more I accept who I am, the more people are able to handle this side about me.

Well, I might not have hit the nail on its head on what advice I gave. But like many replies (and future replies) is gonna say, Stay Strong, and Be Positive about Life. If you need someone to talk to, drop me a message. =)

PS: I dedicate my status to you brother.

[gongtang]

Omg, this is my number 1 fear in life too.... sad and sob... my parents are not understanding... if i come out to them, confirm will hav a big drama banana going on ... tsk tsk... ((((

[Slynn]

As someone who is still in the closet, I can understand a little.

But eventually I believe in coming out of the closet so that you can no longer be unhappy. For me it'll be the time when I settle down in a relationship. But I guess my mom already could guess that I'm gay and she's been trying to hint to me stuff abt gays. Like how gays are talented and stuff like that (Conversation did get a little awkward)

Think this way, they would be really sad if they know that you are suffering in silence because you have been hiding this thing from them. It really depends though, as some parents can get really angry and grievous when their children came out of closet, but I believe most are able to accept nowadays. Communication is the most important thing here

I made friends being aware that not all of them will remain as friends if they know that I'm gay, it used to make me sad when I think this way. but now i don't really give a damn. It is good in a way, since it kinda shaped me into a rather independent person

Go out and meet more new people! If you need someone to talk to, you can drop me a message on here too (: just that my messages are like snail mails. haha

[kee_hsiao]

I think it's a huge step (and decision) to take when coming out to your family. And honestly, there's no turning back. It NOT only affects you, it will inevitably affects people around you.

First blow will be your parents (right in the face and heart where it hurts). Seriously whose parents can take it like "oh okay! sure! let's find a BF for you instead!"? If they are not that conservative, they will at least take a while to digest the news and LEARN to accept. But if they are those traditional type, I guess it may lead to different variations of family tragedies. This will also lead to the next impact (again to your parents) on how the rest of the family members (immediate or not) sees your family. The usual saying -- 人言可畏. This may turn ugly if not handled properly...

Which is also the reason why I never have the courage to do it... Coward I know but at the very least, till they passes on, I probably can come out and face it (not sure if that's ever gonna happen). Of course, there are beautiful stories of family acceptance and etc... But how high the percentage are? I'm not sure but I rather go on the safer side, for the folks at least...

Coming out to friends is another... They probably do not get the same kinda blow but those who cannot accept you, may shun you... Be prepared but don't blame them. 'Cause it's how the current society perceives the circle. But be sure there are more people who embraces rather than reject the circle (this does NOT applies to parents... same "not in my backyard" perception).

So, do give some thoughts about this. Stay strong. You've got a community here to listen (or flame... or troll...) to you.

Cheers

[avatars]

Why not make more friends? We have a circle of friends that have a weekly meeting.

Surely all of us can relate to one another =)

Try going this thread and ask one of the event leaders there =D

http://www.blowingwind.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=28296&st=1250

No harm trying and they are a fun batch of ppl =)

[GuyBornThisWay]

Well, you are totally like me. I've got a scholarship too, not that it's important, just to highlight the similarity. For me,my worst was over last sem. 2012 is a roller coaster, the year I live as a confident, happy, positive gay man. I deliberately came out to my close friends and siblings when I was on a 3 months internship overseas because I figured the physical distance makes it easier to break the news.

Accepting yourself takes time. Good luck.

[lct]

i am sure those who struggle including me will be more than happy to render help and fellowship

[fallequinox01]

You are not alone.

I believe God didn't play a joke on you, you are meant to be the way you are, gay, and I'm pretty sure many of us are struggling with this coming-out-to-parents issue.

Going through your mental turmoil before, I made up some decisions as to when is the right time.

IMO

1.) I must be financially stable and capable. If all else fail and things take a turn for the unpleasant, I can still support myself.

2.) I wouldn't bother coming out to them if I'm not attached, or in a steady relationship.

3.) Parents, especially moms, know their children best. If years on and you're not attached to any girl, or anything along that line...it will soon raise doubts and questions, whether or not they discuss with you is another matter. And if they did, take that chance to come clean I guess.

PS: Oh and the first step to coming out to others, you must first come out to yourself. Acceptance.

XOXO

Hey there dude,

First of all, I think you are being too hard on yourself. From how it looks, you need friends (straight or gay) to know the situation you are in. I do feel the support system from friends is very important. However, that being said, you have to accept who you are before you can get anyone else to accept you. And from the looks of it (or what I gathered from your thread), you pretty much have not.

From my experience, I wouldn't say I tell every single person I met that I'm gay. But, at least, a few of my close friends (some are straight) know about me and are able to render me support in times when I needed to convey what I was going through. That said, I'm still learning to accept myself as a gay person and while on this journey, I realized that the more I accept who I am, the more people are able to handle this side about me.

Well, I might not have hit the nail on its head on what advice I gave. But like many replies (and future replies) is gonna say, Stay Strong, and Be Positive about Life. If you need someone to talk to, drop me a message. =)

PS: I dedicate my status to you brother.

“Be who you are and say what you feel,

because those who mind don't matter,

and those who matter don't mind.”

― Dr. Seuss

[doncoin]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=oZT9b9xp2DU#t=4424s

You are a promising young man. God didn't play a joke on you. You are perfect the way you are.

[water_piano]

I can relate to your story as there are many similarities with my own.

Let me share a little about myself.

I'm currently a student in a local university, and i thank my parents for sacrificing themselves just to give me the best.

I was not from a wealthy family, I could not afford many gadgets which my friends had. My parents would scrimp every cent they could just to get me the toy I wanted. When I recall these moments now, I feel utterly remorseful for not understanding the financial situation of the family. check

Now as I got into a local university, with a scholarship, my parents often introduce me to their colleagues and friends and boast about the success of their child. Its nothing arrogant, just the pride parents would feel when their child is almost successful. I am glad for once, I make them proud of themselves. check (graduated alr though)

However, God played a joke on me. He made me gay the day I was conceived. check

In all these years, I have been feeling lonely and empty. I often use sex to fill up the pit in my life.

Whenever I feel upset or hurt in a relationship, I have no one else to turn to. I have no friends who could understand the life of a gay and I dare not to tell my parents. I often cry in bed until I fall asleep. I wake up the next morning putting up a fake smile greeting my parents. check

I feel that the emotional stress is building up and i'm afraid I could not hold on much longer. Yet, I wouldnt want my parents to know I am gay. I would not want them to blame themselves for not raising me up as a true man. I choose to suffer in silence and act as if I am normal. check

Right now, I visualise myself telling the truth to my parents and when they accept me for who I am, makes me cry out the tears of joy. I long for this day to come, but I know in reality, situation will not be this impeccable. check

Now that you've known the reason why I would never step out of my closet in the family, would you concur with my choice?

But my story had a surprising twist..

I recently came out to my dad; it was a pre-meditated decision. I used to be very distant with my dad, as he was always busy and easy to snap (And the fact that I'm away from home since 15) But though people say a lion can't change its spots, my dad had a change of heart recently, calmer and more willing to listen. In the more recent years, we became more like buddy. So much so that I feel I could confide in him about my struggle. At least I feel that he'd be a wiser confidant, and more genuinely concerned, than confiding to random online strangers.

I prayed hard before coming out to him, and was prepared for the worst. But his first reaction amused me. He hugged me and said he was sorry he was not being a good dad that he didn't notice it earlier. (Of course I could sense that he was a little uncomfortable, or perhaps disappointed, as he was staggering his breath) He did emphasize that he wishes I could live a normal straight life, but it would be my decision. And he would keep it secret from my mom and my siblings till I'm ready to come out to them.

Now? From time to time he'll drop in a message to check how I am doing and making sure I'm not depressed or anything.

Not sure if I would ever have the heart to break the news to my mom..... she has sacrificed too much for me..

...

Back to your story, you shall know your family members best, whether or not to come out to them if ever.. My approach is, I shall love my family no matter how they treat me. Love being an active verb, I'd need to pay heed to their cares and concerns, and genuinely attend to them. If they witness that my orientation in no way makes me less filial, perhaps they will see things more differently.

Last but not least, take it lightly. Don't rush to come out else things may go awry.

Like sgboxers, I'm also still learning to accept myself more. (teentitans also said acceptance is the first step) And I do feel that " the more I accept who I am, the more people are able to handle this side about me"

All the best buddy, you have many brothers here (But do exercise caution and prudence)

[xenophile]

The biggest and most fulfilling move I made was to come out to my mom. I couldn't tell her to her face, so i wrote her a letter, and gave her a book "So my son is gay...". i was afraid of losing her, but i was more afraid of lying to her, of her finding out the truth from other people. She is a deeply religious woman. Both my parents are. But the one thing my mother taught me while growing up was to be true to myself.

I cried, she cried. It was a hard letter to write. 3 motives drove me to do it. First, that i was enlisting and had considered declaring. Second, i never wanted to lie to my mom. And third, I was getting comfortable with myself and want her to know her son is alright.

I was afraid she would kick me out. But after that, for 7 years, it didnt become an issue.

Things grew to a climax when I decided to move out. SHe told my dad. She told my siblings. Far from being thrown out and distanced, we began a new relationship as parents and son. My fear that her beliefs would clash with her love was unfounded. They still love me just the same. She does want me to change, but she had slowly accepted the fact that I can't.

My ex had even stayed over a few times, and we had even gone on vacations as a family (that sadly didnt last.)

If u go to my profile, you can catch my mom on the Pink Dot video.

My advice, test the waters first. Don't plunge head first. It can be the most defining moment, a life changing moment that lifts you up out of your fears and worries, or it can mean losing your parents. Both ways, live the life you are given, proudly, strongly.

[Silveriot]

I feel you.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

[Guest guest]

Gosh! I cant imaging if I told my mother I am gay. She is a typical drama queen . every little set back her tears start rolling. if nobody pay attention to her, she would cry out loud , pour her grievances to relative ,made her the protagonist of the sad drama is her objective.