Am I Expecting Too Much?

[razerz]

I have been together with my bf for almost 4 months and we had been dating for 2 months before going steady. When we were dating, he would meet me up everyday, every weekend evenings, we would go for night drive around sg. However things kinda change once we went steady. Almost every weekend he has been spending time with his friends, I have brought this issue up to him, but he changed for awhile, but subsequently he went out with his friends, either clubbing or dinner/movie. I always though couples should spend weekends together, but these days I have been spending my weekends alone at home. When I was down, he was always with his friends. His sisters got moody, he would always be there for them. This weekend I had to spend time alone as he is going out with his friends. Last weekend is also the same. I have brought this up to him again, end up we argued.

We have known each other for almost half a year, we did not have anal sex before. the most is JO together. When I asked him, with his exs, how long did they have sex after going steady, he told me the most 2 months. once i stumbled upon one of his old photos on instagram, the picture was him with his bf having sex. he told me before he had 3some with some guys and one of his exs even forced him to 3some with him and his friend. yet towards me, everytime i asked about sex, he would feel frustrated and even said i am scary. i have never tried anal b4, am i wrong to ask him for it?

we known each other for so long, he did not take pic wif me (everytime i initiated it), nor has he posted my or our pic on instagram. All i see is pics of him and his friends. he even posted more pictures of my dog then me. now that i feel he is treating me more like a companion then bf.

frankly i am not sure wat to feel now. i keep asking myself, am i expecting too much? All i ask for is for him to spend time with me during weekends, and not let me spend time alone. I asked that he be by my side when i am down. am i really asking too much?? to be honest, i am rather tired of this relationship.... can someone advice me pls...

[WightTonguehlk]

Honestly, I think you shouldn't restrict him to just you... He has his own live too... U should.be extremely.contented that u have someone who is willing to be your boyfriend at all pls do treasure him...

[fab]

He is not that into u?

[razerz]

Honestly, I think you shouldn't restrict him to just you... He has his own live too... U should.be extremely.contented that u have someone who is willing to be your boyfriend at all pls do treasure him...

granted he has his own life, but in a month, 2 out of 4 weekends he is with his friends, either clubbing or watching movie, is alittle too much? he knows i dun club and i am not against him going clubbing, i even went to pick him up after his clubbing and his late night movie with his friends, all i am asking is to spend time with me on weekends, is it too tough??

[derryfawne]

If he's meeting you most of the weekdays, and thinks he just want to party and chase the stress away on a weekend, it's all ok. Some people are just outgoing.

If he avoids meeting you most of the time, be it weekdays or weekends, and don't treat you well at all... guess he's taking you for granted.

[derryfawne]

And 2 out of 4 weekends is not so bad.

[gstc82]

U guys meet each other ever weekdays and alternate weekends that's not good enough for you? U shd seriously consider giving more space. Yes u are asking way too much. Being steady does not mean u guys have to be with each other every day. U don't give him space he will leave u very soon. And no one be it a man or woman will give u that much time.

[Exynos]

at least you have a boyfriend, lol. #justsayin'

[yousuke]

I think you should have a talk with him, tell him how you feel, and compromise. You have to give some, he has to give some. A compromise may be whenever he goes out with his friends, tell him to text you once a while. For yourself, go hang out with your friends, watch some shows, pick up a hobby, or something to pass your time.

For the sex part, you have to find out exactly why. I'm sure he has a reason why.

He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who talks about his feelings honestly. I guess you just have to try.

[Guest Guest]

at least you have a boyfriend, lol. #justsayin'

[kee_hsiao]

guys, i guess TS still wants the honeymoon period and I do think that he ought to be enjoying this honeymoon. they just started anyway. if it's after a long r/s and they wanted more space, I can understand but now that they only tgt for 4mths and he is getting such crap... maybe his bf isn't treating him the way it should be?

well, I dunno la... there's no definite answer to r/s. it's really abt 2 parties coming tgt to make things work and fix the differences.

good luck yo.

[abang]

Actually being possessive is one of the negative aspects of relationship.

I am not saying you are but how much space are you giving him?

Yes it is rather strange that you are not invited to join him on his 'off' days.

However, have you examine yourself?

Are you that sticky type?

Have you said things that he doesnt like?

Come to the subject of sex..

I guess he may have the withdrawal, fear factor thingie?

Talk to him and ask him what he would like to do?

Shower him with small gifts .. aromatherapy, massage oil...

Dont ask him to give you an ultimate solution to your issue!

It is a complete turn-off to many...

[evianguy]

Have you made any effort to get to known his friends and hang out with all of them.

You shd not make him choose between you and his friends. And for goodness sake, so not compare your relationship with his ex. The other guy became his ex for a reason, do you really want to follow down that same path?

[-zee-]

Honestly, I think you shouldn't restrict him to just you... He has his own live too... U should.be extremely.contented that u have someone who is willing to be your boyfriend at all pls do treasure him...

What are you talking about? If the bf doesn't treat TS as his bf, what's the point of the status bf? If two guys decide to go steady, then both should take the initiative to spend time with each other. If not, just get a FB lah. How can anyone just be extremely contented for having a boyfriend? It is too superficial.

TS, you have the right to not be contented. As your steady, he should care for your feelings too! Stand up for your rights and let him know that as your steady, he shouldn't be going out having fun with his froends, especially without you!

[derryfawne]

Stand up for your rights and let him know that as your steady, he shouldn't be going out having fun with his froends, especially without you!

Since when does the definition of 'boyfriend' change to:

"You can go out with your friends only if I'm there!"

I have a feeling that TS is probably taken for granted by his boyfriend.

But reading from this thread, I'm not even too sure if he has truly been mistreated by his boyfriend, or he simply just doesn't want one too many lonely weekends.

Edited August 17, 2012 by derryfawne

[Guest Wisdom]

TS, u should end your relationship with your so called bf if u think you ARE being seriously neglected. Examples are lonely wkends, he's not there for you when you are down etc. You deserved much better treatment with a more caring bf, take your time and move on to greener life.

[SeannyShortcake]

Lols wut the hell.

Doesn't spend time with you,sexual relations non existent and urges regarded 'scary',takes photos of your dog and none together with you?!

You know the "DUMP" button is there. Just need to slam it down hard with the face of your palm.

[Guest -Possessive much-]

TS, cold hard truth is that, you need to get your own life.

You could very well spend time with your own friends on weekends and what not.

There isn't a rule that states that couple must hang out every weekends or at least one weekend per month.

A BF is not a guaranteed companionship. If he doesn't feel like accompanying you, no matter how hard you push for it, he won't.

[friendWB]

How old are u by the way?

No body is perfect.......

Everyone's have their secret......

[Guest Blaidd_drwg]

I can understand how your bf thinks from the way you describe him. I too was once like that. People of our sort cherish our freedoms too much that if you attempt stifling it, we start to run away. We take a very long time to come to the conclusion of committing to one person and giving up trying to see the world. This may take months, years, or even decades at worst! But once we commit, we stick like super glue at the atomic level. When we say steady, we don't necessarily mean married, which in our own minds, is a different level of commitment. But at such an early stage of this commitment, what we want most is for you to be our best friend, and not so much a lover. Love will come eventually.

So I propose an ultimatum to you:

- Trust us that after experiencing everything in the world and yet at the end of the day, we cuddle up to you for the longest time, that we will eventually marry you

- Break up. It is a mismatch that you are in need of affection and we can't give it. And you no longer behave as a good (loving) friend but instead, a watchdog

PS: More about our type:

- cold and detached

- first fall-back plan is our friends and family, rarely our lovers

- sex for us is too special to anyhow give away as we have learnt from previous bad experiences

- we work better at platonic level than romance level. Love is one of the few things we will never fully understand

- the matter with the dog, we think animals are better companions than humans. Even though we are friend-orientated, we seriously despise human's pretentious nature. Even our friends are in need of proving to us otherwise and if they can, we usually pick that person as our lover (<<< so this is your duty, prove to become better than the average human being who has fallen from grace).

[Guest Blaidd_drwg]

... or after the dribble I just wrote, one simple answer: He's having multiple affairs. Please, do break up.

[darkflame]

Find time for yourself and try to keep yourself busy with other things too.

It's not an easy task to keep yourself busy when you're constantly concerned about your partner.

It can be done but the effort has to come from you.

After a while, when he realises you aren't not that free to shower concern over you, he'll come back to you.

If he doesn't still, it's time to assess this relationship.

[TannedKE]

Er I think 2months of dating is too short? What do you guys think?

[exec_fetish]

No offence to TS, but you are the kind of guy I will avoid. Too "sticky"

[Guest Guest]

TS found a wrong bf. the current bf is sociable and outgoing type which do not complement TS character. some ppl simply have an easy and bochap attitude and this kind of ppl best to remain single and go around fuking ppl whenmevr they feel like will suit them best.

[thorzguy]

The thing is this: Opposite attracts but too much of the opposite will actually turn a person off.

Based on TS description: I would assumed your bf is more on the extrovert type while TS, yourself is the introvert type. Having spend time with his friends and not you is nothing wrong, except that if he always favours his friends over you (eg. pre-arranged to go out this weekend, yet last min change plans to go out with his friends instead). He may find that, by going out during the weekday evenings, he has spent time with you, while you actually prefers weekend evening.

Do spend (more) time with your family and friends too. If the relationship has been stablized, and both find it appropriae, do introduce one and other group of (closer) friends.

Communication is the key to most situations, be it in a relationship or work matters.

[tic-toc]

TS = look out for signs of a third party.

Your story sounds too familiar.

[Guest 10 tips]

We have known each other for almost half a year, we did not have anal sex before. the most is JO together. When I asked him, with his exs, how long did they have sex after going steady, he told me the most 2 months. once i stumbled upon one of his old photos on instagram, the picture was him with his bf having sex. he told me before he had 3some with some guys and one of his exs even forced him to 3some with him and his friend. yet towards me, everytime i asked about sex, he would feel frustrated and even said i am scary. i have never tried anal b4, am i wrong to ask him for it?

Gay relationship is unlike Straight relatinship. There is an invisible disclaimer clause which is quite lethal you must acknowledged that gay people have freedom whether they are attached or not.

Most first-time lovers tend to mirror their relationship like the straight couple. In realtity it is not.

The courtship in gay couple is a different animal not quite seen in this planet thus you need to adopt an unconventional view or ways to get what you wanted.

1: it is like flying kite - allow some pulling and releasing force to play, don't strangle your kite or it will break free when it tries to counter your force.

2. Allow him to come and go as he wish. Someday, he will feel bored of such freedom given to him and will come to his belongings.

3. Coax, praise, flatter him if given the opportunity but don't take it seriously. When woman woe man with food, gay woe gay with flattery.

4. Treat him like a friend for at least two years and see if he still sticks. If he still sticks than it is time to glue the love. That is how we bond two objects.

5. Give him surprise, anything that surprises him - words, dressing, jokes, skills, gift, knowledge, courtesy...anything that he might be interested.

6. Listen to him more than talking (if he is the chatty type), he probably didn't like competitors or your interruptions when he speak.

7. Don't act like you are weak, needy, pampered, immatured or emotionally fragile whether you are bottom or top. Otherwise you will appear the type who are not capable of giving emotional support should your lover someday need it.

8. Don't follow trend or compare your lover with another couple, it makes existing relationship very irritating and you were expecting your lover to do things he probably didn't like. I find that very stressful.

9. Love is not about keeping each other within a defined space. It is about keeping each other close, under radar, regardless of his other activities.

10. Gay love, can never be perfect. Accept this fact for a lasting relationship.

[derryfawne]

Based on TS description: I would assumed your bf is more on the extrovert type while TS, yourself is the introvert type. Having spend time with his friends and not you is nothing wrong, except that if he always favours his friends over you (eg. pre-arranged to go out this weekend, yet last min change plans to go out with his friends instead). He may find that, by going out during the weekday evenings, he has spent time with you, while you actually prefers weekend evening.

This is plausible.

1: it is like flying kite - allow some pulling and releasing force to play, don't strangle your kite or it will break free when it tries to counter your force.

2. Allow him to come and go as he wish. Someday, he will feel bored of such freedom given to him and will come to his belongings.

3. Coax, praise, flatter him if given the opportunity but don't take it seriously. When woman woe man with food, gay woe gay with flattery.

4. Treat him like a friend for at least two years and see if he still sticks. If he still sticks than it is time to glue the love. That is how we bond two objects.

5. Give him surprise, anything that surprises him - words, dressing, jokes, skills, gift, knowledge, courtesy...anything that he might be interested.

6. Listen to him more than talking (if he is the chatty type), he probably didn't like competitors or your interruptions when he speak.

7. Don't act like you are weak, needy, pampered, immatured or emotionally fragile whether you are bottom or top. Otherwise you will appear the type who are not capable of giving emotional support should your lover someday need it.

8. Don't follow trend or compare your lover with another couple, it makes existing relationship very irritating and you were expecting your lover to do things he probably didn't like. I find that very stressful.

9. Love is not about keeping each other within a defined space. It is about keeping each other close, under radar, regardless of his other activities.

10. Gay love, can never be perfect. Accept this fact for a lasting relationship.

Good tips, although I find most of them applicable to straight relationship just as well.

[Guest Zephz]

Gay relationship is unlike Straight relatinship. There is an invisible disclaimer clause which is quite lethal you must acknowledged that gay people have freedom whether they are attached or not.

Most first-time lovers tend to mirror their relationship like the straight couple. In realtity it is not.

The courtship in gay couple is a different animal not quite seen in this planet thus you need to adopt an unconventional view or ways to get what you wanted.

1: it is like flying kite - allow some pulling and releasing force to play, don't strangle your kite or it will break free when it tries to counter your force.

2. Allow him to come and go as he wish. Someday, he will feel bored of such freedom given to him and will come to his belongings.

3. Coax, praise, flatter him if given the opportunity but don't take it seriously. When woman woe man with food, gay woe gay with flattery.

4. Treat him like a friend for at least two years and see if he still sticks. If he still sticks than it is time to glue the love. That is how we bond two objects.

5. Give him surprise, anything that surprises him - words, dressing, jokes, skills, gift, knowledge, courtesy...anything that he might be interested.

6. Listen to him more than talking (if he is the chatty type), he probably didn't like competitors or your interruptions when he speak.

7. Don't act like you are weak, needy, pampered, immatured or emotionally fragile whether you are bottom or top. Otherwise you will appear the type who are not capable of giving emotional support should your lover someday need it.

8. Don't follow trend or compare your lover with another couple, it makes existing relationship very irritating and you were expecting your lover to do things he probably didn't like. I find that very stressful.

9. Love is not about keeping each other within a defined space. It is about keeping each other close, under radar, regardless of his other activities.

10. Gay love, can never be perfect. Accept this fact for a lasting relationship.

Likes

[Travys]

You're not asking for too much, everyone deserves someone that makes them happy.

Try talking it out, compromising is key. If all fails, I suggest moving on. You don't always score a bullseye the first few times.

Edited August 20, 2012 by Travys

[razerz]

well i have always ferry him to and back from work whenever i am not working or if he has to stay late for work, after work i would rush over to send him home. I have booked some very decent hotels to spend a night with him (ended up just pcc) like fulleraton, amara sanctuary (jacuzzi suite), sentosa spa and resort (Suite room), brought him to nice places for makan, showered with him gifts that he wanted to buy but dun bear to buy, brought him to bali on business class in a very nice all in villa for 3 days 2 nights. i have done all i can to make him feel my love, and he did told me before amongst his bfs, i am the only one treated him the best. yet he still have the heart to abandon me. dunno y i have been bringing up the sex thing alot to him lately and he either tell me to go find someone to have sex with or go do it with my dog (in a jokingly manner). i really dunno wat to do now or how to carry on from here.

[derryfawne]

well i have always ferry him to and back from work whenever i am not working or if he has to stay late for work, after work i would rush over to send him home. I have booked some very decent hotels to spend a night with him (ended up just pcc) like fulleraton, amara sanctuary (jacuzzi suite), sentosa spa and resort (Suite room), brought him to nice places for makan, showered with him gifts that he wanted to buy but dun bear to buy, brought him to bali on business class in a very nice all in villa for 3 days 2 nights. i have done all i can to make him feel my love, and he did told me before amongst his bfs, i am the only one treated him the best. yet he still have the heart to abandon me. dunno y i have been bringing up the sex thing alot to him lately and he either tell me to go find someone to have sex with or go do it with my dog (in a jokingly manner). i really dunno wat to do now or how to carry on from here.

Abandon? That's a strong word.

For a four-month relationship, you've sure really done a lot. I don't want to judge too much because I have no knowledge of your relationship. But for some people, they can feel your love even if it's not expressed in material forms. For some, they might feel inadequate because you're too good for them and they can't reciprocate. Or maybe he's just not into you.

Or maybe he really didn't abandon you, he's just giving himself some social life with his friends on weekends.

How to carry on from here? Talk it out, either party (or both) has to compromise his expectation on how this relationship should be like.

[gstc82]

well i have always ferry him to and back from work whenever i am not working or if he has to stay late for work, after work i would rush over to send him home. I have booked some very decent hotels to spend a night with him (ended up just pcc) like fulleraton, amara sanctuary (jacuzzi suite), sentosa spa and resort (Suite room), brought him to nice places for makan, showered with him gifts that he wanted to buy but dun bear to buy, brought him to bali on business class in a very nice all in villa for 3 days 2 nights. i have done all i can to make him feel my love, and he did told me before amongst his bfs, i am the only one treated him the best. yet he still have the heart to abandon me. dunno y i have been bringing up the sex thing alot to him lately and he either tell me to go find someone to have sex with or go do it with my dog (in a jokingly manner). i really dunno wat to do now or how to carry on from here.

are u trying to buy his love? Pls don't as heat like u for the wrong reason.

[Guest -possessive much-]

Dear TS, first of all, you'll have to learn to manage your expectations.

No doubt, you'll expect things in return and showering gifts or spending money may your way of showing love, but he's not obliged to shower you with his love or having sex with you just because you bought him something.

You'd have better luck with those who are out for cash.

He didn't ask for you to chauffer him around, he didn't ask for gifts, he didn't ask for biz class seats or VIP treatment. You did it willingly and of course you'll expect something, but you can't fault him if he doesn't behave the way you want him to be.

[razerz]

Dear TS, first of all, you'll have to learn to manage your expectations.

No doubt, you'll expect things in return and showering gifts or spending money may your way of showing love, but he's not obliged to shower you with his love or having sex with you just because you bought him something.

You'd have better luck with those who are out for cash.

He didn't ask for you to chauffer him around, he didn't ask for gifts, he didn't ask for biz class seats or VIP treatment. You did it willingly and of course you'll expect something, but you can't fault him if he doesn't behave the way you want him to be.

All i am asking is that he treat me more like his bf or even treat me the way he had treated his ex bfs when they were together, is that too much? i always have a feeling tat he is trying to hide our status.... once, even though he was out with me, when his sisters called him for meet up, he wanted to go there. his mind was already with them, so i sent him to meet his sisters and waited almost 1 hour for him (he had asked me to do so). sometimes i think coz i treated him too nice, i am taken for granted.

regarding the sex part, he din even mentioned about it. everytime i bring it up he would brush it one side. i know i am not his type (he had said that before), there was once in orchard, we saw a hunk, i casually asked him if i had the body of the hunk would we be having sex long time ago. his reply was yes without thinking and said he would be too afraid to lose me if i were that hunkish.

Edited August 20, 2012 by razerz

[robin]

What Evianguy said is so true. If after you have done what he has advised & it still does not work, you got to understand that different people have different needs for intimacy, freedom & space. There is no right or 'too much'. But you have to find the right person who shares the same level of expectations as you. In my first relationship, i was like you. My bf then also said feels that I am demanding too much. With my current partner, apart from close frens & family, we both like to spend considerable amount of time together, like a straight married couple.

[Guest I can feel your sorrow.]

He's not wrong. You're not wrong. He's not meant for you. You're not meant for him.

Find somebody else who loves you as much as you love him. Wish you all the best.

[Guest I can feel your sorrow]

sometimes i think coz i treated him too nice, i am taken for granted.

i know i am not his type (he had said that before)

TRUE !!!

[Guest I can feel your sorrow]

"dunno y i have been bringing up the sex thing alot to him lately and he either tell me to go find someone to have sex with or go do it with my dog (in a jokingly manner)."

Trust me, it's not a joke ! And after all your efforts to show him your love and care, it's a very not nice thing to say. There are nicer people out there for you.

[Guest broken heart]

omg yr story is the same as mine. i just dump him 4 months ago now searching for new one.

[astroboy1985]

totally understand how you feel!! talk it out, if he doesnt change, dont waste time on him already

[Guest stardustsxz]

wow he has a photo of him and his ex having sex in instagram?

[sum1outhere_03]

I saw a similar situation I went through when I was with my ex, just that in my case, we texted or called almost everyday, and spent almost every weekend together for the first month. We broke off the 3rd month.

I kinda know how you feel when you say you wanna give up on the relationship.

Here's my 2 cents worth of advice, and you may not like what I said.

Almost every weekend he has been spending time with his friends, I have brought this issue up to him, but he changed for awhile, but subsequently he went out with his friends, either clubbing or dinner/movie. I always though couples should spend weekends together, but these days I have been spending my weekends alone at home. When I was down, he was always with his friends. His sisters got moody, he would always be there for them. This weekend I had to spend time alone as he is going out with his friends. Last weekend is also the same. I have brought this up to him again, end up we argued.

This part is really tricky, you really need to know (1) what you really want and (2) what your boyfriend really wants. If you are able to work out between the 2 of you, it's the best... For example, if you had already met him in the weekdays (almost all??), then give him space for the weekends, maybe he really needs to meet his other friends (you're not his only friend aren't you?). Give him time to have his space... I admit I was the rather sticky type and I thought I hadn't given him too much free space and I was the more suspicious kind (you know, something like those married girls in drama who always checks on husband's every move). (His job is partly that makes me suspecious too :=( ) Balance both your meetings.

But if you think that it's unfair that he's with his friends when they are down and not with you when you are, then be honest with him?? I bet he would appreciate your honest personal thoughts. Maybe work something out calmly.

Talk to him about the sex part too. Both of you must be honest with one another.

Actually in other words, trust is an important element in a relationship, have a balance between giving one space and being transparent to each other when trust is needed.

[Guest Guest]

Your bf has spoken. You are NOT his type...he asked you to have sex with a dog...he said you were scary when you asked for sex....Please ask him to go fly a kite. Please...LOVE yourself and DUMP him! He does NOT love you. He is just stringing you on for the benefits and will dump you once he finds someone better. He is buying time while he is "with" you. You deserve better. There is someone out there for you and it is NOT this person. LEAVE him! Im sorry to say this but he is such an ungrateful bastard!