[Articles] Gay Men & Straight Marriages

[GachiMuchi]

Gay Men, Straight Marriages: The Lost Generation

William Dameron Posted:01/07/2014 4:18 pm EST  Updated: 03/09/2014 5:59 am EDT

 

 

My friends Alex and Michael are in a loveless relationship. They rarely have sex and trust has been drained to the point that Alex monitors all of Michael's e-mails, texts and phone calls. Michael had an affair several years ago and confessed this to Alex. Before the affair occurred they adopted a child and for the sake of the child, they continue to exist in a relationship that is at best a business arrangement and at worst, mentally damaging. Alex thinks that they should stay together because so much time has been invested in the relationship and Michael wants to split up, but is afraid of the stigma that the divorce will bring. He has admitted that he is not in love with Alex.

They have tried marriage counseling, but even the counselor agrees that their marriage was never fully functioning and most likely never will be. Michael has a secret that he has shared with Alex. Michael is attracted to women and indeed had an affair with a woman several years ago.

Why do they stay together? They remain in the relationship because they made a commitment and will stick by it. Society has told Michael that only same-sex relationships are valid and that opposite sex attraction is an abomination. Michael is afraid that if he comes out as "straight" to his family they will disown him and that his church will ex-communicate him. But he knows deep in his soul that he can only truly romantically love a woman.

This sounds like an impossibly unbelievable scenario, doesn't it? How could we expect a straight man to marry, have sex with and raise children with a gay man? But I hear of this happening every single day, not with two men, but with a gay man and a straight woman. While the names above are fictional, the plot is not.

Your background, generation and religious upbringing will likely shape the way you view this story. You will either be outraged by the insinuation that same sex marriages could be viewed as normal or outraged that we ever brainwashed our children into believing that being gay was a disease which could be cured and that happiness could only be achieved through an unhealthy marriage. Whatever your background, you will most likely agree that a straight man and a gay man should not remain in a marriage together. Why should it be any different between a gay man and a straight woman?

Since my last post "Is My Husband Gay? The Other Side of the Closet." I have heard from many closeted gay men who are in long term marriages to women. They are part of a generation that has been left behind by the progression in public opinion towards gays and trapped in a time warp that prevents them from making a change. They are wracked with guilt, self-hatred and have a fear of the unknown.

They ask me for advice and all that I can tell them is that sometimes it is necessary to look at the puzzle from a different angle in order to see the solution. The end of a long term relationship can be the most difficult, heart-breaking and sad thing that any couple may endure and every spouse deserves the time and support necessary to heal and move on. But, it is time to stop expecting any couple in an unhealthy relationship to maintain it and it is also time to stop suggesting that it is all about sex. Just as we would never tell a straight man that his desire to love a woman is only about sex the same is true for gay men and women.

As marriage equality and gay rights continue to progress, instances of these marriages will dissipate. But there is a generation of marriages lost in the middle. If the story above about Alex and Michael strikes you as preposterous, good, that is the first step into understanding that marriage equality means that all marriages should afford the opportunity for both spouses to be equally happy.

 

======================

The Gay Man Who Sought a Straight Woman for Marriage

Rick R. Reed Posted: 03/26/2014 10:44 pm EDTUpdated: 05/26/2014 5:59 am EDT

 

 

I often get asked where the inspiration for my latest book, Legally Wed, came from. It's a romantic comedy about a gay man's journey to finding real love. My first response is that as a resident of the state of Washington, and as a gay man who married his husband on the first day that same-sex was legal here, it was that historic event that inspired me.

But the truth -- and this didn't even come to me until after I'd finished the book -- is that it mirrors my own life. The whole time I was writing, I thought I was creating a lighthearted tale about a gay man who, disappointed in love and hungering for the commitment he sees in his own family, gets drunk one night and places an ad on Craigslist: "Gay Man Seeks Straight Woman for Marriage." It took me a while to realize that my inspiration was really my own personal journey. See, I was that man.

Unlike my main character in Legally Wed, though, I did not come up with the idea one drunken night. For a young man growing up in the 1970s, the road to fulfillment was through marriage to a woman. Thirty-some years ago, when I married the female love of my life (let's call her "Alison"), there was no other road open.

So I met Alison and fell in love. Unlike my main character in Legally Wed, I was not drunk when I proposed. No, I was filled with hope and with the dreamer's belief that if someone really wanted something bad enough, he could have it.

But like Duncan in Legally Wed, I discovered that a gay/straight marriage was destined for disaster. It took seven years, the birth of our son, and the intervention of a very compassionate therapist to help me see that I was not some damaged thing, needing to hide my true self away. Like Duncan in my book, I realized that I could love women, maybe even prefer them, but ultimately needed to be who I am.

It was hard to say goodbye to Alison, to no longer live under the same roof with our then-6-year-old son Nicholas. There were tears, recriminations, court battles, bitterness, and pain, but all three of us came out the other side still loving one another.

My Duncan and his intended, Marilyn, go through the same struggle, in a more compressed time frame, and came out understanding that even though they weren't meant to be married, they were meant to be great friends. Their friendship and love is a bedrock message of my book. And, to this day, my love for Alison, even though we're separated by many miles, continues to be a bedrock for me.

In Legally Wed, Duncan finds his true love when he's essentially stopped looking. The same was true for me. I thought that after I divorced, I would find a parallel relationship with a special guy. Let's just say I tried on many, many pairs of shoes, but none fit.

Like Duncan, I gave up. And two months after giving up and deciding that I would be just fine living alone, I met him. That was almost 12 years ago now, and he completely spoiled my plans. And I couldn't be happier. Bruce is the man I stood in line with at City Hall on the morning of Dec. 6, 2012, to be one of the first couples in Washington to obtain our marriage license. We had a small wedding three days later. Even though Bruce and I had been together for more than a decade, we both realized, when we woke the next day as a married couple, that we felt different. More committed. More like a family.

I mentioned earlier that Alison and I have a son, Nicholas. The irony is that he too turned out to be gay. When Nicholas met the love of his life and told me they were going to marry, I was ecstatic. By then, he had moved to Montreal, where marriage was already legal for all adult couples in love, and they would be able to make it official.

Would I officiate? One of my many happy endings that I am thankful for is that I got to preside over the wedding of my son and his husband. Bruce was among the happy assembled that day in August when Nicholas and Tarik said their vows. Our own marriage was still a few years off, still something hoped for, but not something we were at all certain we would ever have, which made the day bittersweet.

Alison was also there. We celebrated together and couldn't have been happier for our son. That day my mind strayed to two other weddings, one in my past and another -- hoped for -- in my future. The thought came to me then that these marriages shared one thing: They were about love.

I realized that it's not about what's between our legs but about what's between our ears... and in our hearts.

Love is love.

Why on Earth, or in God's name, would anyone want to deny that to his or her fellow man or woman? We can only be strengthened, as families, as a society, by encouraging and celebrating love and commitment.

===============

 

Is My Husband Gay? The Other Side of the Closet

William Dameron Posted: 12/10/2013 12:16 pm

 

On a Wednesday night seven years ago my wife and I drove our gold mini-van in silence through the center of town and pulled into a Wal-Mart parking lot. After I parked the car, she turned to me, hesitated for a moment and then spit out a question. "I just have to ask you this. Are you gay?" I watched a family of four get out of their car, grab each other's hands, fade into the dark and then briefly reappear under a circle of light cast from a parking lot lamp.

"I don't want to be," I said.

"Oh God," she inhaled.

I exhaled.

It was one of the truest statements I had uttered in 22 years of marriage. I don't want to be gay. I don't want to tear my family apart. I don't want to go to hell. I don't want my family and friends to disown me. All of my "Don't wants" were laid out like the wooden planks of a bridge behind me and I watched them catch fire from the spark of that five-word sentence and crash in a terrific blaze. It was horrifying and exhilarating and devastating. But at the end of all those "don't wants" was a big Want. I want to love and be loved, body and soul.

I was born in the 1960s in one of the most intolerant states in America, North Carolina. Being gay was not an option. It was a mental illness listed right there in the American Psychiatric Association's DSM II until 1974. I married a woman, had two children and suppressed what I was told was unhealthy.

I am a human face to one of the statistics referenced in the recent New York Times article which states that 5% of American men are gay. The article also states that the detrimental effects of living a life in the closet is most strongly felt in those intolerant states, the band of southern states.

Maybe you are one of those statistics too. Maybe you cruise the Internet late at night searching for images of men having sex with men. Maybe you self-medicate with prescription drugs and alcohol attempting to numb that part of yourself. Maybe you and your wife have not had sex in over a year. Maybe you think that you can survive for the rest of your life hiding just a part of yourself, without realizing that what you hide is more than that. Because the closet doesn't contain just your arms or legs, or body, it claims everything, including your soul. Maybe your wife is searching the Internet right now typing in the search term "Is my husband gay?"

After I admitted that I didn't want to be gay I became another statistic referenced in the New York Times article. I became an openly gay man living in one of the most tolerant regions in America, New England. Here is what became of my "Don't Wants." Yes, my marriage fell apart, but after that I married a wonderful man and we merged our two families. I didn't lose any friends or family. The hell I was living in was self-made. Waking up next to the man I love, body and soul, is heaven on Earth.

It is never too late to open the closet door and breathe for the first time.

Last night, my husband and I drove our car through the middle of town and parked in front of MaineStreet, a local gay friendly club in this small corner of Maine. We took each other's hand and walked across the street in the dark and then into the warm holiday lights of the bar. Inside most of the residents of Ogunquit gathered with plates of cupcakes, cheese and other homemade items to share, each of us carrying a toy to donate to a needy child. Families, gay and straight hugged and kissed each other. Children ran to meet Santa as the gay men's choir sang carols.

There is a saying here in Maine, The way life should be. It was a long road from one side of the closet door to the other. Last night, my husband Paul turned to me and asked "Are you happy to be here?"

And I replied "There is no other place I would want to be."

 

 

[GachiMuchi]

A Gay Man’s Journey of Marrying a Straight Woman

 

by todd howard

Todd Howard was gay, out, and lived in San Francisco. He then married a woman.

We ended up getting married because I had, with all my relationships with males in San Francisco, sort of fallen short. And what was confirmed in me, having had that relationship and bond with a woman, was not…I was in fact very much torn against myself with regard with what my true desires were, and that was to be ultimately with another male in a relationship, long-term.

Continue Reading to hear what his therapist said and what happened with their marriage.

[GachiMuchi]

Taboos push China's gay men to wed women

 

Activists fight for LGBT rights as pressure to produce offspring pushes country's gay males to marry unsuspecting women.

Raphael Balenieri Last Modified: 01 Apr 2013 11:12

 

Homosexuality was viewed as a mental disorder until 2001, but activists are now trying to lift the stigma [AFP]

Beijing, China - When Xiao Yue decided in October 2010 to marry her boyfriend, she imagined a life full of love, happiness and laughter. She knew marriage was a bumpy road, but she never expected hers to end within a month, after discovering she had tied the knot with a closeted gay man.
 

"I remember the date perfectly, because I asked for divorce only 25 days after the wedding ceremony," said the 30-something from the front seat of her car, which she deemed the safest place to talk. Xiao Yue asked that her real name not be used, also out of concern for her safety.
 

Two years after her marriage collapsed, she still fears the exposure of her life as a former "tongqi" - a new Mandarin word coined to describe straight women trapped in loveless and miserable unions to gay men. The word comes from "tongzhi", or comrade, Chinese slang for "gay", and "qizi", which means "wife" in Mandarin. 

 

"China's gay men marry to have children and pass on the family name. There is an old saying in China which says the worst thing you can do to your parents is not to give them a grandchild."

-  Li Yinhe, sociologist

 

This is neither a new phenomenon nor it is specific to China, but many say the one-child policy, which prohibits couples from having more than one offspring, has made the country unique in this regard.
 

"It has put a lot of pressure on China's homosexuals," says Wei Xiaogang, founder and director of Queer Comrades, a Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) organisation based in Beijing, which documents gay life in China via online videos. 

According to several demographic studies, between 70-90 percent of China's gay men are currently married - or will marry - a straight women, compared to 15-20 percent in the US. China's tongqi could then number as many as 25 million across the country, according to Liu Dalin, a pioneering sexologist now retired from the University of Shanghai.

More conservative estimates, including one from Zhang Beichuan - a sexologist from the University of Qingdao - put the figure at 10 million. China's government has not released any official figures on the phenomenon.
 

Social pressure

Although the exact number is still debatable, the motives behind these empty unions are readily apparent. In China, a family-dominated culture, sons are expected to marry and later have children - preferably male - to appease their parents.
 

"China's gay men marry to have children and pass on the family name. There is an old saying in China which says the worst thing you can do to your parents is not to give them a grandchild," says Li Yinhe, a well-known sociologist with more than 720,000 fans on Sina Weibo, China's Twitter-like micro-blogging service.
 

Because of this, Li - a long-time advocate of women's and LGBT rights - has submitted a proposal calling for same-sex marriage since 2003 to the National People's Congress (NPC), China's rubber-stamp parliament that concluded its annual parliamentary session on March 17. 

Although her proposal failed again to get the approval of at least 30 NPC members out of 3,000, which meant it was not formally examined and will unlikely be adopted into Chinese law, Li believes the new light shed on China's tongqis will help advance the cause.
 

"He introduced him to me as a friend, and since the 'friend' had a spouse, I didn't suspect anything."

- Xiao Yue, former tongqi

Like Xiao Yue's husband, many male homosexuals who marry women hide their sexuality to gain wider acceptance by society. Although homosexuality was removed from the list of mental diseases in 2001 by the Chinese Psychiatric Association and gay communities are now booming in Beijing and Shanghai, it is still largely taboo in China's inner, less-developed provinces. 
 

A native from Liaoning, a northeastern province bordering North Korea, Xiao Yue settled down in Beijing in 2008 after her studies and started working for a financial institution. There, she met her soon-to-be husband. The pair lived close to each other, and after work they would walk together back home and chat along the way. 

After 12 months of dating, she thought he was the ideal candidate: He had a car, a flat and a good salary. But it soon became clear the groom also had a lover - a married gay man who came regularly with his wife to house parties and dinners where Xiao Yue would cook for the four of them. "He introduced him to me as a friend, and since the 'friend' had a spouse, I didn't suspect anything," she recalled.
 

But 25 days into her marriage, the wife of her husband's "friend" told Xiao Yue their husbands were lovers. After she heard, she started looking through her husband's mobile phone and computer, and discovered evidence of a relationship between the two men.

 

LGBT out of the closet

While state-controlled media now report regularly on LGBT issues, the desperate lives of China's tongqisonly came into the public eye in June of last year, when a 31-year-old bride from the southwestern province of Sichuan jumped to her death after discovering her husband was gay.

 

Since then, online and offline support groups have efforted to provide psychological and legal help. Manytongqis have also opened micro-blogs where they talk about their sexless marriages and the conundrum they face: live in the closet with a gay man, or become a stigmatised divorcee.
 

Xiao Yue decided to go with the second option. "The divorce itself was done in a day. I was lucky enough to have no kids, my own job, and my parents' support," she says. 

But for financially dependent women, divorce proves more difficult, especially after they have a child.

Edited July 6, 2014 by GachiMuchi

[GachiMuchi]

GAY MARRIAGE POPULAR IN CHINA (SORT OF)
Thursday, October 24, 2013 | BY: LILY HUANG (黄晓茵)

“I am a 26-year-old woman from Shanghai, and I am looking for a boyfriend to marry in a year.”

Yes, yes, we’ve heard all this before. Chinese women over the age of 27 can kiss their marriage plans and their future away because a 27-year-old woman is too old for any sensible Chinese man to consider marrying. Granted, the pressure is heavier on women, but men, too, are under a lot of familial and societal pressure to get married as soon as possible. Those tiger parents can’t wait forever. They need a grandson, and they need him quick! They need to continue the bloodline, and China’s One-Child Policy certainly doesn’t help.

However, this particular case is a different.  “I have a girlfriend and we have been together for 8 years now,” she says.

China’s innate traditionalism is causing a bit of a twist, in that Chinese lesbians and gay men have been hooking-up for years, in the attempt to throw family and friends off their scent. According to Ming of the Beijing-based NGO Common Language:

Many of Ming’s interviewees talked of:
“‘Family pressure’ extends beyond individual parents into extended families, social networks and permeates Chinese culture, which in turn pressurizes parents (to pressure their children).”

In a culture where coming out as gay or lesbian has a high likelihood of you being estranged from family and friends, along with ridicule (or worse), and where marriage is looked upon as a break-or-make  moment in life, there are two options for gay people. One is to forego happiness and marry an oblivious-to-your-sexual-orientation straight spouse (called pianhun). The Atlantic reports that:
“Wanting to continue generational lines and the role marriage plays in feeling one has ‘grown-up’. And that China was simply ‘no country for old men’, particularly when China’s system of elderly care falls exclusively on the shoulders of children. ‘Here sexual orientation is connected to your ability to have children, your financial independence, and social credibility.’”

Grim stuff, indeed. As Time Out Beijing says, “In short, ‘there’s no such a thing as protecting the tongqi [homo-wife ] without protecting the gays.’”

“Zhang Beichuan, a professor at Qingdao University’s Medical School who researches gay issues, estimated that there are 20 million gay and bisexual men in China, of whom around 80 percent have married straight women. This means that around 16 million heterosexual women in China today are married to gay men. Typically experienced behind closed doors, the issue was thrust into the spotlight last June, when a 31-year-old bride from Sichuan Province jumped to her death after discovering that her husband was gay.”

Option two is to enter into a xinghun. Xinghun (形婚), literally meaning a “marriage of formality” in Chinese, is a ‘cooperative marriage’ between a gay man and a lesbian woman that involves little, if any, true substance. As The Atlantic writes, “the marriage, essentially, is a sham: both the husband and wife continue to have their own same-sex partners and may not even live together.” Both husband and wife not only know of each other’s sexual preferences, but they also don’t care! Indeed, it is also called a “mutual support marriage.”

But finding compatible partners for xinghun may be even trickier than matchmaking heterosexual couples. The aforementioned Economic Observer Online writes :

 

“Since the couple doesn’t have any real emotional attachment, external factors are the only standard for choosing their ‘spouses.’ Whether the man owns his own house is even more important in a xinghun.”

I guess most people are still realistic about what they want from a marriage, even if it’s not real. Here is what a Shanghainese girl Zui Yufa wants from her xinghun:

 

“I’m looking for a guy who has a Shanghai hukou (permanent residency) and owns an apartment in Shanghai. And the guy has to have money.”

Having a child is another big incentive to obtaining a xinghun, other than getting nosy people off your backs. It is extremely difficult for same-sex couples to have children. It is illegal for gay couples to adopt, so it forces many to resort to xinghun. Xinghun couples, through artificial insemination or adoption, can have offspring without backlash. Alright, so now you have happy parents and someone to care for you in your old age, but what about the child? What would the child think of their loveless parents? Of xinghun? Here is the Economic Observer Online again:

 

“As to whether or not the child is to be told the reality of their parents’ ‘marriage,’ most xinghun couples are hesitant. Though they see Xinghun as the only way to satisfy their own parents’ expectations while pursuing their own happiness, they are not sure what the next generation will think.

‘Maybe I’ll tell the child when he or she grows up,’ Y says [a lesbian woman].”

As the Daily Life writes, the question of coming out might now be more pertinent to one’s child than to one’s parents. But, many are deeply hesitant about coming out, even for their child. Intolerance still looms and acceptance is still far from a reality.  Although homosexuality was declassified as a mental illness in 2001 (and was a crime until 1997), the belief that homosexuality is a treatable disease is still widespread, particularly in rural regions. Social stigma is still prevalent and there is as yet no civil-rights law to protect LGBT individuals against various sorts of discrimination. Yet, tolerance of the LGBT community and individuals is on the rise in major cities. Shanghai Pride, an annual LGBT festival, is now in its fifth year. This past summer, Beijing enjoyed its sixth Queer Film Festival, with an estimated 300 attendees.

And, similar to ordinary marriages, some xinghun couples do end up divorcing. The divorce is often prearranged in their premarital agreement. For some, the divorce is a way of saying, “Hey I got married to the opposite sex. But it didn’t work and it’s over now. So, get out of my business and let me do it my way.”

Edited July 6, 2014 by GachiMuchi

[GachiMuchi]

Desperately Seeking Divorce From My Gay Husband In China

Luo Jieqi (2013-01-24)

 

“Behind the closet are those wives imprisoned in an unhappy marriage...” A Chinese woman used her personal blog to describe life as the wife of a gay man, before her husband decided finally to come out.

According to a report conducted in 2005 by Liu Dalin, a prominent sexologist, 90% of Chinese homosexual and bisexual men get married. According to a conservative estimate there are more than 10 million Chinese women who are married to gay men.

But these same women will encounter a legal quagmire when they try to free themselves from an unhappy marriage by getting divorced. Last week, a national discussion was triggered on the topic after Beijing’s First Intermediate People’s Court released a study of divorce cases involving homosexuality that laid out the current predicament for this large group of women.

The report pointed out that there is no law in China today that protects the rights and interests of the heterosexual spouse of a homosexual. Judges are thus put in an awkward position when it comes to divorce cases requested by these spouses.

According to the study, this situation in China comes from the fact that homosexuality is still considered a highly sensitive topic. The majority of the public does not accept it, while conservative judges are unwilling to even acknowledge it in forms of verdicts.

“One party likes persons of the same sex while the other party likes the opposite sex. The chance for the two to have a happy marriage is doomed," says Hu Zhijun, the president of the Gay Families and Friends Association. "The wives often get extremely hurt at the disclosure of their husbands’ sexual orientation. Some of them will necessarily want to end the marriage.”

A particular suicide

The new report described four types of requests filed in this kind of divorce. Filing for divorce on the grounds that the couple's differences are irreconcilable or that the marriage was based on a fraud and is thus invalid since it began, or a request for moral damage, or a request for a larger share of the assets in case of divorce.

However, in practice, Chinese courts do not support these kinds of appeals. There was the case last year of Luo Hongling, a professor of Korean language at the Sichung University, who discovered her husband was a homosexual. This led to a serious conflict between the couple, and Luo eventually wound up killing herself.

When Luo’s parents took her husband to court, accusing him of cheating their daughter into marrying him, the court dismissed the allegation on the grounds that “There are no laws which prohibit citizens with homosexual orientation and behavior from getting married.”

According to Beijing’s First Intermediate People’s Court, case studies show the problems of divorce involving a homosexual party under the following aspects.

First, since 1990, gays and lesbians are no longer considered as psychiatric patients by the World Health Organization. Therefore, homosexuality is not statutory grounds for prohibiting them from getting married.

Second, can the heterosexual marriage of a gay man or lesbian be revoked or declared null and void at the other party’s request? The court believes that if the marriage is declared as invalid it won’t in fact necessarily be conducive to the protection of the spouse’s rights and interests. The court can put it into the category to which the article 11 of the Marriage Law can be applied and the spouse can request the court for dissolution.

Third, is it a sufficient reason for divorce for the spouse to be married to a gay or lesbian? The court holds that the alienation of mutual affection should still be the standard of judgment.

Fourth, the demand for moral compensation should not be supported because it lacks a legal basis.

Fifth, is the heterosexual spouse entitled to a bigger share of the couple’s assets in case of divorce? The court believes that since the wives are identified as the unerring parties, normally the partition of property would be “rational and reasonable” for them.

As a homosexual Hu Zhijun believes that in essence the issue concerning homosexuals’ spouses is caused by prejudice against homosexuality. Many gays or lesbians get married just to disguise themselves and avoid being subject to discrimination. Others might also get married because of a desire to have children.

Hu called on closeted gays to be courageous and embrace their sexuality. He also said they should avoid marrying a heterosexual so as not to hurt an innocent person.

[Guest Guest]

I've met some very homophobic straight women. I wonder if they wish to be married to gay men?

[Guest Dongle]

1. Half Close = Half Open

2. cancel Half on both sides

3. Close = Open

Not against gay marriage or what. Cannot just substitute man woman to prove a point. People who do this intends to mislead.

There are many gay man who think gay sex is not correct but most are very closeted. Please do not try to represent them if you don't know about them.