Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Dear crazygolfer,

"A game of golf is like a visit to the gay sauna. You spend hours playing from hole to hole."

But there is one difference. Guess.

:thumb:

At sauna, it depends on luck too, some times it took some minutes, you are already hooked with some one or the worse scenario, it took a few hours and still no catch and left empty hand

Golf holes are consistent in size but the other hole vary from one to the other

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

No man ever will have golf under his thumb. No round ever will be so good it could not have been better. Perhaps that is why golf is the greatest of games.

~ Bobby Jones (US Golf Legends Player)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

(Denying being a celebrity) "I'm just a golfer, man. I chase a little white ball around and work on my farmer tan."

~ Tiger Woods (1975-), U.S. pro golfer current world no 1

[Guest Hole-in-Want]

dear crazygolfer, you think too deeply. golfers wear a towel around their necks, while sauna goers around their waist.

[crazygolfer]

dear crazygolfer, you think too deeply. golfers wear a towel around their necks, while sauna goers around their waist.

Hahaha ......... just an "evil" thought :oops:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: To Golf Or Not To Golf

Four middle-aged jocks were out for their usual game of golf. Seldom did any of these guys break 100 but they faithfully played three or four times a week.

One day Fred was having a particularly tough time, taking his fourth shot from the bunker on a 120 yard par three.

Frustrated, he expressed his feelings, and the feelings of his three buddies, when he said, "If I wasn't married I'd give up this darn game!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Again?

"You're going out to play golf again?" his wife complained.

"I'm only doing under doctors orders." replied her husband.

"Do I look stupid to you?" she screamed.

"But its true," he said, walking out the door. "He specifically told me I should get some iron everyday."

[Guest Hole-in-Want]

dear crazygolfer,

the difference is also in golf, you play one hole at one time. in a sauna, you can dig into several holes simultaneously.

[crazygolfer]

dear crazygolfer,

the difference is also in golf, you play one hole at one time. in a sauna, you can dig into several holes simultaneously.

Hmmmm

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

Golf is a dumb game. Hitting the ball is the fun part of it, but the fewer times you hit the ball the more fun you have. Does that make any sense?

~ Lou Graham (US Pro Golfer)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

Go ahead and putt, you are not interrupting my conversation.

~ Robert E Zorn

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

Golf is not a good walk spoiled. It is becoming a good walk prohibited. Show me the common sense in this and I promise I will relent. But there is no common sense at all in the prohibition of walking. (On compulsory buggies).

~ Lorne Rubenstein (Canada Golf Columnist)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

In 1587 golf's first famous woman player (Mary Queen of Scots) was convicted and beheaded. Women's golf went into something of a decline after that.

~ Rhonda Glenn (US Sportcaster)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

I feel more strongly than ever about this. I would like the professional game freed of golf carts. Golf is a physical game: if we are playing competitive professional golf, we should walk. When I can't walk 18 holes, I'll pack it in.

~ Arnold Palmer (US Golf Legends Player)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: What Were You Doing?

"What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" the

avid golfer's wifed asked him.

"I was golfing with Tom and Ray, my dear," replied her husband.

"What?" she yelled. "At 2 in the morning!?"

"Well, yes," he explained. "We were using night clubs."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Why Not With Bob?

Joe: "Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?"

Mike" "Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card?"

Joe: "No! Of course not!"

Mike: "Neither will Bob."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Where Am I?

Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?"

"You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember."

"Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit just short of the green. We both chipped up onto the green as well. When I walked towards the flag, I saw one ball had overshot the hole, but the other ball had apparently gone in! I didn't know whose it was, so

I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear."

"That was the last thing I remember."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The Borrowing Golfer

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

~ Anonymus

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

~ Anonymus

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

~ Anonymus

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

~ Anonymus

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Sorry

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the tree and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.

When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore." says the first golfer.

"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'SHIT!'"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Ants

This Hacker hit his drive out of bounds and the ball came to rest in the middle

of a large red ant bed. He figured he would hit it from that lie, so he took his

stance, took a big swing, missed the ball and ants went flying everywhere.

He tried again, and same as before, missed the ball and again, ants were flying

everywhere.

After the third gigantic swing and miss, one ant said to another one, "If we're

going to save ourselves, we better get on the ball."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfing Gorilla

There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several

strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.

One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?"

The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. "After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?" he thought.

Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.

The guy turns to his friend and says "That's incredible, I would have never

believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check."

After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?"

The other guy replies, "Same as his driving."

"That good, huh?"

"No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

~ Anonymus

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

~ Anonymus

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

"I felt so in control of my ball tee to green, the best I've hit it in years, and when I got on the greens, I was an idiot."

~ Tiger Woods (1975-), U.S. pro golfer current world no 1

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Actually I was more of a breaker than a thrower - most of them putters. I broke so many of those that I probably became the world's foremost authority on how to putt without a putter.

~ Tommy Bolt (US Pro Golfer)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

The devoted golfer is an anguished soul who has learned a lot about about putting just as an avalanche victim has learned a lot about snow.

~ Dan Jenkins (US Author)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfing For Exercise

Two overweight middle-aged men were both ordered by their physicians to get a

lot more exercise. They both took up golf and became partners. On their first

time out, the one man said to the other, "I don't have the energy to play too long today."

The second shook his head in agreement and said, "OK, We'll quit as soon as either of us makes a hole in one."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

There's no pressure. Mediocrity knows no pressure.

~ Gary McCord (US Pro Golfer)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

I had a three-foot putt for $30,000. I made the putt but my knuckles were white - and do you know how hard I have to squeeze the putter to get my knuckles white?

~ Lee Trevino (US Golf Legends Player)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Learn To Play Golf

Recently Priscilla said to me, Doug, it is about time you learned to play golf

--- you know, that's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when

you are too old to chase women.

So I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He

said -- sure, you've got balls, haven't you?

I said yes -- but sometimes on cold mornings they're kind of hard to find.

Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow, he said, and we will tee off.

What's tee off, I asked?

He said it's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.

Not for me, I said, you can tee off there if you want to, but I'll tee off behind the barn, somewhere.

No, no, he said, a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger.

Yeah, I've got one of those.

Well, he said, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.

I asked, do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.

You do, he said, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee.

Well, I thought that was stretching things a little too far.

He said, You've got a bag, haven't you?

Sure, I said.

He said, Your balls are in it, aren't they?

Of course, I told him.

Well, he said, can't you open the bag and take one out?

I said I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to.

He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him no, I'm the old

fashioned type.

Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after seventy+ years

I should have some sort of an idea.

He said, you take your club in both hands -- well, I knew right then he didn't

know what he was talking about. Then he said you swing it over your shoulder.

No, no, that's not me, that's my brother Harry you're thinking about.

He asked me, how do you hold your club, and before I thought, I said, in two

fingers.

He said that wasn't right and got behind me and put both arms around me and

told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn't catch me there,

because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing.

He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar.

I said I could well imagine. Then he said, and when you're on the green --

what's the green, I asked. That's where the hole is, he said. Sure you're not

color blind, I asked. No, then you take your putter --

What's the putter, I asked.

That's the smallest club made, he said.

That's what I've got, a putter.

And with it, he said you put your ball in the hole.

I corrected, you mean the putter?

He said the ball, the hole isn't bit enough for the ball and the putter.

Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.

Then he said, after you make the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen.

He wasn't talking to me. After two holes I'm shot to hell. You mean, he said,

you can't make eighteen holes in one day?

Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole, and besides, how do I

know when I'm in the eighteenth hole? He said the flag would go up...

That would be just my luck.

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: My Father is the Best Golfer

One little girl was bragging about her Father: "He must be one of the best golfers

ever. He gets to hit the ball more than any of the other men."

- - - - -

Short Golf Joke: The Duffer

The duffer swung saying, "I'd move Heaven and Earth to break a hundred and twenty."

His companion watching the ball said, "Better work on Heaven. You've moved enough earth already."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Beginner

Two men were playing golf together for the very first time.

The first player teed off and hit the ball into a clump of trees. He finally got onto the fairway, only to hit the ball into a water hazard. The next shot resulted in a new ball flying over a fence onto a busy street.

The second player said, "Maybe you should use an old ball for this shot."

The first player looked at him and replied, "I don't have any old balls." :oops:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

Man, I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't smile because my lips were stuck to my teeth (on the win that gained her inclusion into the Hall of Fame).

~ Joanne Carner (US Lady Pro Golfer)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

(About Annika Sorenstam on the men's tour) "I hope she misses the cut. Why? Because she doesn't belong out here."

~ Vijay Singh (1963-) Fijian Pro Golfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Just Like Ray!

At a posh club some where in Asia, a very arrogant and nasty caucasian is playing a round with a client. He is very abusive to his caddy but all smiles with his client, you know the type. At the sixth hole (185 yards, over water) he asks his caddy, "What club do I use here?"

The caddy says, in broken English, "When Mr. Ray Floyd played here last year he used a six iron."

The golfer rudely grabs the six iron and hits the ball. the ball lands in the middle of the pond and the golfer erupts! "Hey stupid, you gave me a six iron and it was obviously not enough! I hit that ball perfectly, and still it went right into the water!!"

The caddy replied "That's just what Mr. Ray Floyd, the American Golf Pro did too."

[Guest Hole-in-Want]

What your golf brand says about you:

1) Titelist - Golfers who loves tits as much as white balls

2) Ping - Golfers who play golf like ping pong

3) Callaway - Die hard golfers who are just a call away

4) Taylor Made - Golfers with spelling deficiences (Tailor Made) and likely with score counting efficiences as well

[crazygolfer]

What your golf brand says about you:

1) Titelist - Golfers who loves tits as much as white balls

2) Ping - Golfers who play golf like ping pong

3) Callaway - Die hard golfers who are just a call away

4) Taylor Made - Golfers with spelling deficiences (Tailor Made) and likely with score counting efficiences as well

:thumb:

Other version for

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

Class, someone once said, is the ability to undergo pressure with grace. So what did I do? I just did what came naturally. I vomited (on leading the 1964 Open Championship).

~ Charles Price

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"I fight all the way. I think that's indicative of the longevity of the streak."

~ Tiger Woods (1975-), U.S. pro golfer current world no 1

[Guest Hole-in-Want]

crazygolfer, am i right to say that i would find a ping in your golf bag?

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

I don't think I had enough sense to know what pressure was.

~ Gene Sarazen (US Golf Legends Player)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

There's not much pressure on the golf Tour. Walking to the first tee is in no way comparable to walking through the jungle in combat [Vietnam veteran].

~ Larry Nelson (US Pro Golfer)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Don't Fool With Mother Nature

Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in. All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she mad!

"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks.

"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the golfer.

"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an entire year without butter!!"

The golfer starts laughing hysterically.

"What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?" she screams at him.

"I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over there whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!" :oops:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

We all choke, and the man who says he doesn't choke is lying like hell. We all leak oil.

~ Lee Trevino (US Golf Legends Player)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

Everyone has his own choking level, a level at which he fails to play his normal golf. As you get more experienced, your choking level rises.

~ Johnny Miller (US Pro Golfer)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

It's awfully hard to smile when you're choking to death.

~ Gary Player (South Africa Golf Legends Player)