Am I a bad friend? (Friendship)

[ChenL]

So this is the story, I had bff during my highschool basically he is my childhood best friend. We had been friend for 10 years or more, and we know each other very well. He is the first one I came out with and also he is a gay. he was out of the closet during highschool, every people somehow know he is gay. My sisters and cousins included because the fact that we were on the same highschool, so my parents were well informed about this as well. My parents asked me and of course I denied, I told them that was nonsense. After that, we were no longer like we used to be, no more hang out, no more chit chat....the worst part is that I have to stay away from him(damn discreet)... It was sad, he knew what kinda family I lived in, he used to come to my house everyweek, but now never...  After we graduated from highschool, we went to different university in different country, we lost contact with each other but I managed to get his skype. And now we are still friend, because we live in different country so we just chit chat when we have time. Now we are adult, and I cherish this friendship even more....

 

I feel bad to my friend even till now, I have no courage to come out.... Hopefully someday I have the courage to come out and we can be bff again... back like we used to be... TT miss my friend Dino~

 

Not very good in english so bear with it haha~

Edited April 28, 2016 by ChenL

[fab]

23 minutes ago, ChenL said:

So this is the story, I had bff during my highschool basically he is my childhood best friend. We had been friend for 10 years or more, and we know each other very well. He is the first one I came out with and also he is a gay. he was out of the closet during highschool, every people somehow know he is gay. My sisters and cousins included because the fact that we were on the same highschool, so my parents were well informed about this as well. My parents asked me and of course I denied, I told them that was nonsense. After that, we were no longer like we used to be, no more hang out, no more chit chat....the worst part is that I have to stay away from him(damn discreet)... It was sad, he knew what kinda family I lived in, he used to come to my house everyweek, but now never...  After we graduated from highschool, we went to different university in different country, we lost contact with each other but I managed to get his skype. And now we are still friend, because we live in different country so we just chit chat when we have time. Now we are adult, and I cherish this friendship even more....

 

I feel bad to my friend even till now, I have no courage to come out.... Hopefully someday I have the courage to come out and we can be bff again... back like we used to be... TT miss my friend Dino~

 

Not very good in english so bear with it haha~

 

Not really.

 

Each of us has different priority and family background in life. U prolly din ve the courage nor the need to come of the closet then. As long as u din harm him, i m sure he wont blame u, if hes understanding enough. 

 

Having said that, if your friendship were to rekindle, fate will decree so.

[hairy springroll]

Part of friendship  including  understanding  and  accepting 

[snowball]

Memories is man's best friend

[EasleyLim]

Just apologize to him for ditching him like that. It was cowardly thing to do but I think he will forgive you.

[GachiMuchi]

4 hours ago, ChenL said:

So this is the story, I had bff during my highschool basically he is my childhood best friend. We had been friend for 10 years or more, and we know each other very well. He is the first one I came out with and also he is a gay. he was out of the closet during highschool, every people somehow know he is gay. My sisters and cousins included because the fact that we were on the same highschool, so my parents were well informed about this as well. My parents asked me and of course I denied, I told them that was nonsense. After that, we were no longer like we used to be, no more hang out, no more chit chat....the worst part is that I have to stay away from him(damn discreet)... It was sad, he knew what kinda family I lived in, he used to come to my house everyweek, but now never...  After we graduated from highschool, we went to different university in different country, we lost contact with each other but I managed to get his skype. And now we are still friend, because we live in different country so we just chit chat when we have time. Now we are adult, and I cherish this friendship even more....

 

I feel bad to my friend even till now, I have no courage to come out.... Hopefully someday I have the courage to come out and we can be bff again... back like we used to be... TT miss my friend Dino~

 

Not very good in english so bear with it haha~

 

You are not a bad friend but you are someone I won't want to associate with.

You don't have your own thinking, you are living based on others views and I am sure you will be the type who would lie just to save your own ass. You don't have balls to even be who you are. (I am not asking you to come out, but at least have your own opinion).

Seriously, I feel sorry for you. You are living a really miserable life and I don't envy you.

I hope that one day you will be free of your own fear and live a life you choose and be the person you want to be.

 

[fab]

Pls remember ts was only a high sch student n prolly has conservative parents.

Edited April 28, 2016 by fab

[Guest TY]

Everyone is guilty of not being able to be themselves at one point of their life. I always thought to myself that I would never associate with someone that lies.

How do you define lie?

 

Don't be too hard on yourself.the fact that you learn that this is your shortcoming...you've grown to become a better person. Nobody is perfect as We aren't saint.

 

Try to make this friendship work. Otherwise,  learn to let go.

 

[EasleyLim]

That was unnecessarily harsh, GM. It happened during his adolescent years where people are most susceptible to peer pressure.

[ChenL]

I apologised to him already when he visited me in Sg, and he said it's ok~~~ but We can't take picture together and post it on social media.... And I have to denied that I am still close to him if my family or friends ask. My family is Christian, I think that's explain everything....

 

and thnks to you all for your support, he still my bestie tho and I told him I am going to pinkdot this year haha.. 

Edited April 28, 2016 by ChenL

[Cube3]

3 minutes ago, ChenL said:

I apologised to him already when he visited me in Sg, and he said it's ok~~~ but We can't take picture together and post it on social media.... And I have to denied that I am still close to him if my family or friends ask. My family is Christian, I think that's explain everything....

 

and thnks to you all for your support, he still my bestie tho and I told him I am going to pinkdot this year haha.. 

 

Being gay and in a Christian family can be tough...but at some point you need to decide how to handle. Took me a while, learnt that those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. So I just stopped wasting time with intolerant people, and focus on those who deserve my love and support!

[Guest]

If he is your friend, he will understand. Ignore the haters here. Coming out is a personal journey and no one can tell you what or when to do.

 

Friendship is not measured by how much time you spend together, but how time and space have kept you apart but not your affection for each other. Loyalty is not about one trying to catch up to be in step with the other, but about one slowing down to wait for the other.

[kaze]

1 hour ago, ChenL said:

I apologised to him already when he visited me in Sg, and he said it's ok~~~ but We can't take picture together and post it on social media.... And I have to denied that I am still close to him if my family or friends ask. My family is Christian, I think that's explain everything....

 

and thnks to you all for your support, he still my bestie tho and I told him I am going to pinkdot this year haha.. 

 

i understand it when you're young.. i don't understand it now..

1) which idiot in this world will link a mundane 2 guy picture with gay.

2) even if he's gay, taking pic together doesn't mean you are gay.

3) if you're straight acting, which you obviously are, you're doing a damn lousy job. a straight has no qualms about people accusing him of being gay. he simply laugh it off cuz he knows its definitely not true. you on the other hand, fear this fear that, totally doesn't show any "straight (acting) traits" at all.

 

dude, time to wake up. from how i see things, it seems more like you're the one who cannot accept him for coming out. all remaining things doesn't seem to matter. in my case, i openly tell my friends "my gay friends say this this this.." and they suspected me a single time. One person (relatively new to the clique) asked how come i got so many gay friends and i replied they're still human, no reason why I must avoid them ah. some1 from the clique "defended" me saying there's no way I am gay.. in short, this thing seem to be more your issue rather than your bff or your family's issue.

[snowball]

”THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I HAVE MADE IN MY LIFE IS LETTING PEOPLE STAY IN MY LIFE FAR LONGER THAN THEY DESERVE.“

 

 

 

[Estarif]

Cutting off relationship with a friend who is openly gay just because your family is Christians, really? If you think your friend is important enough, i dont think you should let these factors affect the relationship

[ChenL]

46 minutes ago, kaze said:

 

i understand it when you're young.. i don't understand it now..

1) which idiot in this world will link a mundane 2 guy picture with gay.

2) even if he's gay, taking pic together doesn't mean you are gay.

3) if you're straight acting, which you obviously are, you're doing a damn lousy job. a straight has no qualms about people accusing him of being gay. he simply laugh it off cuz he knows its definitely not true. you on the other hand, fear this fear that, totally doesn't show any "straight (acting) traits" at all.

 

dude, time to wake up. from how i see things, it seems more like you're the one who cannot accept him for coming out. all remaining things doesn't seem to matter. in my case, i openly tell my friends "my gay friends say this this this.." and they suspected me a single time. One person (relatively new to the clique) asked how come i got so many gay friends and i replied they're still human, no reason why I must avoid them ah. some1 from the clique "defended" me saying there's no way I am gay.. in short, this thing seem to be more your issue rather than your bff or your family's issue.

your theory may apply to Singapore but not Indonesia... indonesian pretty close minded~ they will say you are gay if you take picture with a gay guy (especially in my town). Plus I never been in any relationship with woman and I have rejected some. I know if I wanna act straight I should accept it but I don't wanna hurt anyone...

Indonesian people love gossip and rumours spread pretty fast, that is why me and my friend only can meet in sg~

 

I am thinking about coming out recently.... I just need to settle my financial problem just in case... And I told my parents already I will not live in this country.... 

 

 

[twdpenang]

just live as your own. this life is yours. you need to create the destiny not others. stop fearing my friend. taking pictures and post it in the social network doesn't mean its gay. its a beautiful memories. its doesn't mean that you are discreet, you are not brave. what i can see is Dino and you sharing a pure true friendship. ignore those people gossiping you, later they got other topic they skip to that. take some times, dont rush. talk to him. everything gonna be ok. you are not bad friend, but a great friend to Dino. God bless!

[GachiMuchi]

You don't have to come out to your family or anyone if you don't want to. What is most important for you is to live a life that you choose that makes you happy and not to be too bothered by what others think or say.

 

Your family or your culture and people there can be hating gays, but you must love yourself enough to live the life you want.

 

I got to say, I don't know Indonesians, but I have met an Indonesian guy who have a sham marriage just to please people around him. I thinks his case is a really sad case because he is making his life harder to get out to live his own life with the marriage and family. But still it is his choice and his life. I don't envy him and I don't pity him either. He deserves whatever he gets the day he is being found out.

 

So I hope you don't follow his example.

[ChenL]

7 hours ago, Estarif said:

Cutting off relationship with a friend who is openly gay just because your family is Christians, really? If you think your friend is important enough, i dont think you should let these factors affect the relationship

Not really cut off, we still contact each other but not in public~ And yes myb am not brave enough to face the problem ahead, and I accepted myself as gay tho, but my family never... I brought one of my friend to the house, he is malaysian and visited my country and lived in my house. He is straight but kinda feminist, he told me my sister gave him a cold and mean looks. And I never let this friendship go, he is the only one I trust and we still contact with each other, just not openly yet~

[Lemonjuice]

Hey Chen L

 

I come from the same background as you ie Indonesian Chinese super zealous Christian family background. I know exactly what you have been through.

 

It takes time to pull out the courage to come out and live your own life.

 

Given your situation you are not independent financially (and emotionally) yet. I consider what you did to you friend was appropriate.

 

It is a good thing that you have apologised to him and sort the issues with him.

 

The bigger issue is how do you want to live your life? Do you want to hide in the closet forever got married and makes parents proud? Or do you want to live the truth and goes down to a long road of coming out?

 

I tell you a bit of my story.When i came out about four years ago it was sure like all hell broke loose. Worse i came out during my younger sister engagement lol. Wasnt thought well,but oh well it happened.

 

Since then it gets better and better. Everyday is a little step toward tolerance and acceptance.

 

If you want to ask questions feel free to pm me, and we can chat on whatsapp etc.

 

Goodluck!

[ChenL]

38 minutes ago, Lemonjuice said:

Hey Chen L

 

I come from the same background as you ie Indonesian Chinese super zealous Christian family background. I know exactly what you have been through.

 

It takes time to pull out the courage to come out and live your own life.

 

Given your situation you are not independent financially (and emotionally) yet. I consider what you did to you friend was appropriate.

 

It is a good thing that you have apologised to him and sort the issues with him.

 

The bigger issue is how do you want to live your life? Do you want to hide in the closet forever got married and makes parents proud? Or do you want to live the truth and goes down to a long road of coming out?

 

I tell you a bit of my story.When i came out about four years ago it was sure like all hell broke loose. Worse i came out during my younger sister engagement lol. Wasnt thought well,but oh well it happened.

 

Since then it gets better and better. Everyday is a little step toward tolerance and acceptance.

 

If you want to ask questions feel free to pm me, and we can chat on whatsapp etc.

 

Goodluck!

~ thnks, I just told him I posted our friendship story haha~ 

 

To be honest I don't know what I really want, but I won't marry to a woman for sure (hopefully), because I treat woman as best friend. I do wanna make my parents proud but with another way~ about coming out, maybe I will be ready when I have someone to rely on mr. right hahaha.

 

wow... you are brave.. I have two older sisters and both of them married already and now left me TT

are you the only son ??? how your sister react to it ? what kinda hell broke you experienced ?, I need to learn more about lgbt life~ I watched youtube channel, but they are western family more open-minded so that doesn't really help.

[kingbitch]

10 minutes ago, ChenL said:

~ thnks, I just told him I posted our friendship story haha~ 

 

To be honest I don't know what I really want, but I won't marry to a woman for sure (hopefully), because I treat woman as best friend. I do wanna make my parents proud but with another way~ about coming out, maybe I will be ready when I have someone to rely on mr. right hahaha.

 

wow... you are brave.. I have two older sisters and both of them married already and now left me TT

are you the only son ??? how your sister react to it ? what kinda hell broke you experienced ?, I need to learn more about lgbt life~ I watched youtube channel, but they are western family more open-minded so that doesn't really help.

 

First of all, find a way to be financially independent. Ie. start working.

 

Then, live away from your family. Rent a place. It costs money but it might be worth the freedom and independence.

 

 

[Lemonjuice]

25 minutes ago, ChenL said:

~ thnks, I just told him I posted our friendship story haha~ 

 

To be honest I don't know what I really want, but I won't marry to a woman for sure (hopefully), because I treat woman as best friend. I do wanna make my parents proud but with another way~ about coming out, maybe I will be ready when I have someone to rely on mr. right hahaha.

 

wow... you are brave.. I have two older sisters and both of them married already and now left me TT

are you the only son ??? how your sister react to it ? what kinda hell broke you experienced ?, I need to learn more about lgbt life~ I watched youtube channel, but they are western family more open-minded so that doesn't really help.

 

My parents cried, condemned all these from the devil then went on and on that i had to change. Then i went to several pastors for counseling sessions and prayer sessions etc.

 

I felt like a failure, someone that doesnt even deserve to live because of his sexuality. 

 

After that, i did my own research to find the answer from a Christian point of view. It turns out that you can be gay and christian at the same time.

 

If you google lgbt affirming church you will find lots of stories of acceptance out there. Also PFLAG organisation has their offices in China and some Asia countries too.

 

You dont have to be the enemies of your family. But it is important to live your own life. At the end of the day, it is your own responsibility to make your life happy not the others.