worldangel Posted January 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: At a bar A guy at a bar says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 I can pee in that cup all the way over there at the end of the bar." The bartender agrees, so the guy whips it out and he pees all over the bar. Having just won $1,000, the bartender starts smiling. The guy goes over to a table where his friends are seating and collects a bunch of money from them. He walks back to the bar, gives the bartender his $1,000, and then starts laughing. The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." The guy says, "Before I bet you, I bet all of my friends over there $2,000 dollars that I could pee all over your bar and you would be happy about it!" clementi 1 Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke:Man & Midget A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. The midget drags a small stepladder over, and climbs up to admire the man's private parts close up. "Wow," comments the midget, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Freaked out, but flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "I know this is a strange request," says the little guy, "but would you mind if I touched them?" Again, the man is taken aback, but seeing no real harm in it, consents. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: IPod A guy was at a bar and needed to fart. He decided the music was so loud that he just went for it and timed his farts to the beat of the music. After he relieved himself he looked up to see everyone staring at him. Than he realized that he was listening to his iPod. clementi 1 Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke:Homework Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!" clementi 1 Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke:IRS An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!" clementi 1 Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: Getting overpaid An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his pay-check… Employee – Sir, this is $100 less than my salary. Boss – I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain! Employee – Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now! Rate this Joke! clementi 1 Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: Grandma “Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane. “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.” After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me..what do you think about my Grandson!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: Flying Larry was a photographer for the N.Y. Times, and was scheduled to meet a plane on the runway to take him on a job. “Hit it,” said Larry climbing into the first plane he saw on the runway. The pilot took off, and was soon in the air. “OK,” said Larry, “fly low over the trees over there, I want to take a few pictures.” “What do you mean?” asked the pilot. Larry looked at the pilot and answered a little annoyed, “I need to take some pictures for the N.Y. Times, so please…..” There was a long pause, before the pilot asked in a shaky voice, “you mean you’re not my pilot instructor?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: 100-year old The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: Doctor & Old man Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing.Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: Hmmmm …. A very old couple that have been married forever are sitting on their porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch and into the bushes. He crawls back up and asks, "What was that for?" She says, "For having a little pecker." He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes. She crawls back and asks, "What was that for?" He replies, "For knowing there was more than one size." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: Senior citizen Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assh*les." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: Hell’s angels A little old lady decides to join the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang. So one day she knocks on their clubhouse entrance. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms pokes his head round the door. "I want to join your club," she says. Amused, the biker humours her, claiming she need to meet certain requirements to be part of their gang. "Do you have a motorcycle?" he says. "Yup,"" she replies. "It’s parked right over there." Both of them look round to see a flamed, black Harley chopper in the driveway. "Do you drink?" he continues. "Oh yes, like a fish," she says. "I’ll drink any man in your club under the table." "Do you smoke?" "Smoke?" she hoots. "Damn right I smoke. I smoke like a chimney times." . In fact I smoke three packs a day, as well as three joints, and a couple of cigars in the evening, just before I raise hell on the pool table." "Wow," says the biker, impressed. "You sound like one bad momma. But tell me: have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "Nope" says the old lady, "but I’ve been swung round by the nipples a few Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: Hot & Cold sex After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: 'You appear to be in good health.. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty." When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine.. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem.. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?' "Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: Wedding night A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years...I thought he meant his money!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: When she starts to look good A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: Great gift Two old guys were chatting..... One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV". Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!..... Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!" First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: Dumb beast A PETA protester screamed at the woman in a fur coat, "Don't you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that fur?" Unfazed, the woman replied, "That's true, but think of what I had to go through! I dated him!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Joke: Who was more drunk? Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my Dog!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke:A guy goes into a bank. A guy goes into a bank. The clerk says “Can I help you, sir” Guy says “Yea u fucking bitch I wanna open a fucking account” Clerk says “Please there’s no need for cussing” Guy says “Yomotherfucka I just wanna open a fuckin account.” Clerk says “Sir I’ll help you but watch your language” So the manager comes over “Is there a problem here?” Guy says “Yea mothafucka I’m trying to fuckin open a motherfuckin account an this motherfuckin’ bitch won’t let me.” Manager says “Please sir don’t curse and how much are you opening the account with?” Guy says “7 million $$” Manager says “And this motherfuckin bitch ain’thelpin’ you?” clementi 1 Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke:This guy was in a fancy hotel This guy was in a fancy hotel and he really had to pee. He went to the toilets and there was a line for the men’s room. So, he asked a female to see if there was anyone in the ladies room. She responded no, go ahead in there but don’t press any of the buttons. He said alright. He went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and he saw the buttons and decided to push them anyway thinking “what could go wrong?” The first button he pushed was blue; he goes bbrrrrrr, that’s cold having cold water sprayed onto his ass. The second button was red and he goes “oh that feels really good, nice warm water. How come there aren’t any buttons like these in the men’s room?” The last button he pushed was a white button with the letters ATR on it. The next thing he knew he woke up in a hospital. He asked the nurse “why am I in the hospital?” she responded “because u hit the ATR button” laughing hysterically while she said it. He said “what’s so funny? What does ATR mean?” She responded automatic tampon remover clementi 1 Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke: A little old lady A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.” The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. The next week the lady goes back to his office. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!” The doctor says, “Good, Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.” clementi 1 Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke: Rest stop I was coming back from visiting my son in my Miami and I stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. I just sat down on the toilet when I heard a voice coming from the stall next to mine, “Hey! How’s it going?” Although I was quite surprised, and I wasn’t in the habit of conversing to the people next to me in the stall, I nevertheless answered him, “I’m fine” I said “thanks for asking.” “What are you doing?” asked the same voice. To be honest I was a bit taken aback by the brazenness of this fellow, but I would never ignore anyone so I calmly answered, “I’m releaving myself.” Then I heard the same voice again, “I’m going to have to call you back, some smart-aleck is answering all of my questions.” clementi 1 Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke: Fire chief A fire chief had just gotten married and on his honeymoon he informed his new wife that their house was going to be run like a firehouse… he said that they would have sex on the bell system. He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off… two bells meant get into bed… and three bells meant start fooling around. The fire chief came home from work one day and decided to try out his system…. he hollered “One Bell” and she took off her clothes. He hollered “Two Bells” and she got into bed. He hollered “Three Bells” and they started fooling around like crazy. A few minutes later, SHE yells “Four Bells.” “Four Bells?” the fire chief asks, “What are four bells?” “Let out more hose!” she yelled. “You’re nowhere near the fire!” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke: Two deaf people get married Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……fifty times” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke:A girl came skipping home from school one day A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde?” the girl said. “Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No Honey, it’s because you’re 24.” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke: Dating for about a year Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby’s. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn’t matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn’t matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. “Don’t worry honey” he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said, “Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby” “It is,” he said, “9 pounds and 19 inches long!” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke: Tampons A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in corner with a sign on them saying, "5 boxes for a dollar" The woman just could not believe this price so she asked the clerk if it was correct. He said, "Yes, five for a dollar." She said, "That can't be right!" Clerk says, "Yes, it's correct. See here? Five boxes for a dollar, no strings attached." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke:Impotent This guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore and winds up at the witch doctors. There is a flash with billowing blue smoke… … The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks "What happens when it's over?" "All you have to do is say '1234' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year!" So that night, he is lying in bed with his wife and says "123" and suddenly IT DOES RISE PROUD & LONG. His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke:Clean restaurant So these two roaches, Tom and Oscar, are hanging out next to a dumpster enjoying a snack. “Hey Tom” said Oscar to his friend, “You know that restaurant down the block? I went there yesterday to pick up some scraps, and I couldn’t believe how clean it was, I could practically see my reflection through the shiny waxed floor.” “Oscar” hollered Tom spitting the food out of his mouth, “please not while I am eating!!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke: Kids seem to like her After completing his examination, the doctor took her husband aside. "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither, Doc."Said the husband. "But she's a good cook and the kids seem to like her." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke: What position? "Will I be the first to do this to you?" whispered the new groom to his new bride. "What a silly question," giggled the girl. "I don't even know what position you want to use yet." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke: Insulted wife The 50-ish wife comes up to her husband and says, 'So, Harvey. What do you think of my new bra-less look? Does it make me look younger?' 'It does!' Harvey says. 'It pulls all the wrinkles out of your face!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke: Birth control pills A woman asked her doctor for birth control pills. "Ma'am, how old are you?" "I'm 75." "What possible need do you have for birth control pills?" "They help me sleep better." The doctor looked perplexed. "Just how do birth control pills help you sleep?" "I sneak them into my granddaughter's orange juice every morning!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke: A …. what? A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong??" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis AND a brain?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke: Risky proposition A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said... "Clean my house." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke: 2 old ladies Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 2: "What's that?" Lady 1: "A condom." Lady 2: "Where'd you get it?" Lady 1: "You can get them at any drugstore." The next day, Lady 2 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Joke: Growing wild There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his 'thing.' So, he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his 'thingie,' which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world." The other lady asked what she meant. • When I was 20, I was curious about it. • When I was 30, I enjoyed it. • When I was 40, I asked for it. • When I was 50, I paid for it. • When I was 60, I prayed for it. • When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 Joke: Woops sorry about that Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 Joke: The heaven A man died and went to The Judgment, they toldhim , “Before you meet with the Heaven, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 Joke:Writing a will A man hears from a doctor that his end is near so he heads over to a lawyer to write a will. The secretary watches as the man walks into the Lawyer’s office and as three minutes later the man walks off in a huff. “Can I help you?” asks the secretary, dashing after the obviously upset man. “HELP ME? THIS GUY IS CRAZY! I asked him to help me write a will and he says to me: ‘sure, let me just ask you a few questions and then leave it all to me.’ “I’ve heard before how lawyers are dishonest but this just takes the cake!” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 Joke: Grandma getting in a trouble Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?” “I sure do” Grandpa replied. “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?” “How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?” “Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaakcroaaak, how did you like that?!” “Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!” “Huh?” Questioned Grandpa. “Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 Joke: Taking care of the body There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, `There is no justice in this world.` The other lady asked what she meant. `Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I`m 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I`m too old to squat!` Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 Joke:Dying fears Adam woke up suddenly, sweating all over. “What’s the problem”, asked his wife. “Are you OK?” “I just dreamed that I died!” responded a shaken Adam. “And it was so bad up there, and that’s why you’re sweating all over?” asked his wife. “You bet!” exclaimed Adam. “I got up there, and was right in front of the Heaven himself, when he suddenly sneezed…..and I didn’t know what to say to him! Whoa was that traumatic!” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 Joke:Can you hear me? An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey what’s for supper?” She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 Joke: Telemarketer Listen a job is a job, we all need to find away to put bread on the table don’t we? To make a long story short I’m a telemarketer that’s my job and that’s what I do. It’s not a job everyone appreciates, but it’s a job I enjoy and am proud of. The other day I called a house and a real nice lady answered the phone, she was really helpful and friendly, she was the type of lady that helps a telemarketer get through a long day. After some pleasantries I asked if Mr. Smith was in, “I’m sorry”, she answered “I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.” Now that was a real disappointment being that she was a nice lady and all, but I took it all in a stride, “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number.” “Sure thing!” The woman cheerfully replied, listing off his new number. I hung up the phone and quickly called the new number and was surprised to hear a recording. “Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 4, 2015 Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 Joke:Happy boss My boss called me into his office today. “We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, Simon,” he said, “but over the last 5 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?” “Vrooom!Vrooooom!” I replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 4, 2015 Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 Joke: Loyal secretary Bernice had been employed at the same office for over 50 years and was the boss’s top secretary. Everyone was jealous of her. Every day when Bernice showed up for work she would open the drawer to her left, peek inside, and then lock it. When she finally died, her coworker Sandy, who was dying of curiosity, made it her mission to figure out what was in that drawer. After days of searching she finally found the key. Sweating with excitement she slowly opened up the drawer. Inside was a folded piece of paper. Slowly she reached inside and took it out, while cautiously looking over her shoulder. After a few seconds of trepidation she opened it up. It said the following “Put only one spoonful of sugar in the boss’s coffee.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 4, 2015 Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 Joke: Mean boss The CEO of a large company was walking to the cafeteria along with two of his secretaries. Upon tripping on a bottle, a genie appeared and asked the threesome if they would like to each make a wish. The first secretary excitedly exclaimed, “I wish I was on a beach in a tropical island!” Immediately her wish was granted. The next secretary proclaimed, “I wish I was on a tour of France!” Immediately her wish too, was granted. Being that it was now his turn to make a wish the CEO exclaimed “I want the two of them back in their offices right after lunch!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 4, 2015 Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 Joke: Get a raise One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!! In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$tde$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oonYour$ $incerely, Norman $oh The next day, the employee received this letter of reply: I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeablywell .NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw You kNOw what I mean. Yours truly, Manager Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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