Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Degrees....

The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Outdone

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workers.

After several minutes, Morris had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said: "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied: "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

[worldangel]

Joke: The diaper

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.

The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The perfect story

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

* A Male's Response *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Her age

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Family pants

Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

"I can't wear these," she said.

"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."

"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.

He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

"Put these on," he said.

Jill replied, "I can't wear these."

"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

"I can't get in to these," he said.

"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anniversary flowers

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.

Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

[worldangel]

Joke: Cheap date

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost.

Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think."

"Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: College degrees

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications
major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A woman’s random thoughts

Skinny people piss me off!

Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat."

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your
divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't
communicate with me!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: By the Foot or By the Inch

A man in a bar has had one too many. When a beautiful lady sits down next to him, he turns to her and says, “Hey, how ‘bout it babe, you and me, getting it on? I’ve got a couple of dollars, and it looks like you could use a little money.” 

“What makes you think I charge by the inch?” she said.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Don't Touch It, Timmy!

The teacher was very impressed with Timmy's answer to her question so she told him to come up to the front of the class, close his eyes and hold out his hands for a surprise. "But first," she said, "You have to guess what it is." 

"A toy?" 

"No." 

"A new pencil?" 

"No," said the teacher as she held the Hershey's kiss right above his opened hands. "Let me give you a hint. It's something your dad asks you mom for every day before he leaves for work." 

"Don't touch it, Timmy!" yells little Johnny. "It's a piece of ass!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Wife Is Unfaithful

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?” 

“Relax,” says the shrink. “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cover Your Camel

Two elderly ladies walked out from their house to smoke a cigarette. It started to rain. So one lady pulled out a condom, cut the tip off, and put it on her cigarette. 

The other said that’s a good idea. So she went to the store and asked for a condom. The store clerk asked what size. 

She replied, "One that fits a camel."

[worldangel]

Joke: My Sex Life Is A Holiday

Benny was talking to his best friend Sam. "Don't tell anyone, Sam, but my Sadie once again had a headache last night." 

"Really?" said Sam. 

"Yes," replied Benny, "it's been like this for some weeks now. I've been thinking that they must have named a Jewish holiday after my sex life." 

"Which one?" Sam asked. 

"Passover,” replied Benny. 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Keep Having the Same Dream

A distraught man goes to see a psychologist. “How may I help you?" asks the shrink. 

“Doc, every night I have the same dream. I’m lying in bed and a dozen women walk in, try to rip my clothes off, and then have wild sex with me.” 

“And then what do you do?” the shrink asks. 

“I push them away,” the man says. 

“Then what do you want me to do?” the shrink asks. 

“Isn't it obvious? I want you to break my arms!” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Head On Top of Heels

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they’re like." 

"Okay," said his buddy. 

"Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels." 

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: When the Wealthy Widows Visits

When her gardener suddenly took ill, the wealthy widow decided to visit him in the hospital. At the visitor’s desk, she announced, “I’ve come to see Mr. Jones in room two-eleven.” 

“Are you his wife?” asked the clerk. 

“Certainly not! I would never be married to a gardener!" answered the arrogant widow. “I’m his mistress.” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In My Country I'm A Queen

One of the attendants on my flight was a gay and flamboyant young man. He seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. 

As the plane prepared to descend, he came walking down the aisle and told us that, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super!" 

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and foreign woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to please raise your tray, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." 

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." 

To which he attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Have A Confession

A newly married couple was in bed on their wedding night for the first time. Before they began, the wife said, a little nervously, "I'm afraid I have a confession to make. I've been with another man." 

"Well, said the husband, "I have a confession to tell also. You ain't the only one!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Sure Are Lucky

A guy is out one night with his girlfriend and they’re driving eighty miles an hour in his new sports car. She leans over to him, opens his fly, and reaches in. 

Suddenly a deer jumps in front of the car. He turns the wheel and finally comes to a rest. When the police get to the scene, the guy is still buckled in and alive. 

The cop says, “Your girlfriend was thrown from the car and killed. You sure are lucky.” 

“Lucky? Go look in her hand!” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Sure Are Lucky

A guy is out one night with his girlfriend and they’re driving eighty miles an hour in his new sports car. She leans over to him, opens his fly, and reaches in. 

Suddenly a deer jumps in front of the car. He turns the wheel and finally comes to a rest. When the police get to the scene, the guy is still buckled in and alive. 

The cop says, “Your girlfriend was thrown from the car and killed. You sure are lucky.” 

“Lucky? Go look in her hand!” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What About the Smell?

A husband and his wife were driving down the road when a car ahead of their's hit a skunk. Being the humanitarians that they are, they stopped, picked up the skunk, and put him in the back seat for there was a vet right up the road. 

They proceeded to the vet when on the way the driver sees police lights in the rear-view mirror. Panicking, the wife says, "What should I do with the skunk?" 

"Put it up your skirt!" the husband replies. 

"But what about the smell?" 

"Just pinch his nose shut!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Stages of Marital Sex

The three stages of marital sex: 

Honeymoon sex... Where you have sex three or four times a night. 

Vacation sex... Where you have sex ten or twelve times a year. 

Oral sex… Where you stand on the opposite side of the room and shout 'F U'! 

[worldangel]

Joke: Head On Top of Heels

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they’re like." 

"Okay," said his buddy. 

"Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels." 

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: When the Wealthy Widows Visits

When her gardener suddenly took ill, the wealthy widow decided to visit him in the hospital. At the visitor’s desk, she announced, “I’ve come to see Mr. Jones in room two-eleven.” 

“Are you his wife?” asked the clerk. 

“Certainly not! I would never be married to a gardener!" answered the arrogant widow. “I’m his mistress.” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Dreadful Two-Storey House

A man is standing in front of the judge, asking for a divorce. The judge says to him, “All right, sir, please explain to me why you want a divorce.” 

“Because,” says the man, “I live in a two-storey house.” 

“You live in a two-storey house?” says the judge. “What kind of a reason is that for a divorce?” 

“Well," says the man, “one story is, ‘I’ve got a headache’ and the other story is, ‘It’s that time on the month.’” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Sure Are Lucky

A guy is out one night with his girlfriend and they’re driving eighty miles an hour in his new sports car. She leans over to him, opens his fly, and reaches in. 

Suddenly a deer jumps in front of the car. He turns the wheel and finally comes to a rest. When the police get to the scene, the guy is still buckled in and alive. 

The cop says, “Your girlfriend was thrown from the car and killed. You sure are lucky.” 

“Lucky? Go look in her hand!” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Many Were There?

Being married for some time the wife began questioning her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of women before” she said. “How many were there?” 

The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, but there were more than a couple of women. Let’s just leave it at that.” 

She continued to plead. Finally, her husband gave in. “Let’s see,” he began, “there was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Passing a Mental Exam

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Skip a Day

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A couple from the kids...

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, 'There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.' 'How did you know?' his mother asked. 'Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,' he replied. 'I think it's printed on the bottom.'

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. 'What are you doing?' his mother asked. 'The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken' the boy explained. 'I'm looking for the seal.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two men were hunting deer when...

Two men were hunting deer when a large bear rears up and begins to charge them.

The one man puts his running shoes on and begins to run with the other man.

The second man asks why he put them on because it won’t help him out run the bear.

He said "I don't need to out run the bear I need to out run you."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hearing Aid

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." 

"Really," answered the neighbour . "What kind is it?" 

"Twelve thirty."

[worldangel]

Joke: Charity

Tony had gathered a lot of cash from trick-or-treating, so he headed for candy store to buy some goodies.

"You should donate that money to charity," said the sales girl.

Tony thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Camel Questions

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?" 

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand." 
"Okay," says the son. 

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" 
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert." 
"Thanks Mom," replies the son. 
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" 

His mother replies impatiently, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert." 
"That's great Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these humps to store water, but Mom..." 

"Yes, son?" 
"Do we really need all of these in the zoo?" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The trick...

A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Can You Tell Me the Time?

"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" asked the blonde of
a man on the street corner.

"Sure....it's three fifteen," he replied with a smile.

"Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face."

You know, it's the weirdest thing-I've been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."

[worldangel]

Joke: An annoyingly self-righteous man...

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. 

He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." 

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?" 

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." 

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor. 

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it." 

"Well, uh," said the doctor, "do you have much sex life?" 

"Oh, no!" said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night, and I always have been." 

The doctor paused, looked hard at the man, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" 

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." 

"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding night

A guy on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife "geez, I never realized you had such big breasts."
The wife gets all upset and throws him out.

While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. "What happened?" asks the first man.

"Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was "Geez, I didn't realize you had such a big Butt..." then she threw me out.

Just then a third guy comes storming out into the hall.

"Hey" says the second guy "Did you put your foot in it as well?"

"No" says the third guy, "But I bloody well could have."

[worldangel]

Joke: A lady is walking down the street ...

A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who drives you?

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cold Water

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. 
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" 

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" 

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" 
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" 

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". 
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Painless

When a new dentist set up in town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the 'Painless' dentist. However a local little girl called Gemima disputed his claim.

'He's a fake!' Gemima told her friends. 'He's not painless at all. When he stuck his finger in my mouth I bit him - and he screamed like anyone else.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Ladies and gentlemen, hobos an...

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps, Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants! 

I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,  So pull up a chair and sit on the floor. Admission is free, so pay at the door. 

One fine day, in the middle of the night, two, dead boys got up to fight. 
Back to back, they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. 

A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys. 
If you don't believe my lies are true, ask the blind man, he saw it too!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A mother had three daughters ...

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding days, she tells each one of them to write back and tell her about their marriage life.

The first one gets married. The second day the letter arrives with a simple message: "Maxwell Coffee House". The Mother got confused and finally noticed a Maxwell advert saying "Satisfaction to the last drop...".

When the second daughter got married, it took a week for the letter to arrive and the message read: "Rothmans". So the Mother looked at a Rothmans ad, and saw: "Life Size, King Size"

Finally it was the third one's wedding. Mother was very anxious. After 4 weeks came the message: "British Airways". When mother looked into the ad, she fainted. The ad read: "Twice a day. Four times a week. Both ways."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Miscellaneous Terms


ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. 

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye. 
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. 
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. 

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. 
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 
MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. 
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. 

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. 
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. 
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. 
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today. 
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. 

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Miscellaneous Terms

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. 
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye. 
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. 
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. 
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. 
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 
MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. 
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. 
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. 
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. 
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. 

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today. 
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. 
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Reaching the end of a job interview ...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" 

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." 

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" 
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" 

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."