Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Doggie style

This beautiful girl went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn't find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said: "There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle"?

She said, "Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it"? The Doctor said, "Maybe, why don't you stop it and see if you improve"?

She said, "I can't stop, that's the only way my dog knows how to fuck". 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Moral Of The Story

Story: One day, a cat and a rooster went for a walk. The cat slipped and fell into a pond full of water. When it came out, it was all wet.

The rooster laughed his heart out.

Moral of the story: Where there is a wet pussy, there is a happy cock

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Adult jokes-S*x during pregnancy

A man whose wife was pregnant, went to a doctor to ask whether he could have s*x with his wife.

The doctor replied, "Yes. For the first 3 months, you can do it like normal, for the next 3 months you can do it like a dog, and in last 3 months, you will have to do it like P-Boy"

The man reacts "P-Boy? How does a P-Boy do it?"

The doctor replies "Like Play boy, sleep with other women."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny watched, fascinated ...

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 

'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?' 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bribe...

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde With Top Down

There were two blondes the just came out of the mall. As they walked through the parking lot, they remembered that they had left the keys in the car.

Realizing that they were locked out, the blondes got a hanger and tried to open the door. Hard at work, the first blonde stopped to catch her breath.

The other blonde got worried as she looked up a the sky and said, "We've got to hurry up and get in before it starts to rain. I don't want to get the seats wet because the top is down!"


 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer walks into a bar and ...

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Hot Shot

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ""Can I help you?""
The man said, ""Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Q & A

Q: What is the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your mother-in-law go off the cliff in your brand new Lexus.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Buying A Chainsaw


This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." 

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. 

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself. 
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise? 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Man: "Are you the young fe...

Old Man: "Are you the young fellow who sold me this tube yesterday and told me it was toothpaste?"

Clerk: "Yes sir."
Old Man: "Well, I tried for half an hour this morning and I couldn't get my teeth to stick in."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: First sperm

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights. One day, all the other sperms asked him, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"

Bob replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there." The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.

The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys, it's a BLOW JOB!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: How You Earned It

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: No a Member

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Phobia

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. 
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" 

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." 
"How much do you charge?" 
"A hundred dollars per visit." 

"I'll sleep on it," said the man. 
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. 
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. 
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." 
"Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding & Babies

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

Thursday at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.

(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms who care this week." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Harvesting a profit...

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later, the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields, incredulously, and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?

"No," the young farmer replied, seriously. "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Use The Word

A pre-school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word "definitely" in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can also be grey or orange."
Then a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn the trees are brown."

Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!"
"OK. Then I have definitely shit my pants."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Roll Of The Dice

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.

She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!

The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"

She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"

The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A college pizza delivery boy a...

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr. Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?" 

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." 
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." 

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." 
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry. 
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Introduced lawyers

"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.

Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Helping Your Father

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.

"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay." 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Doctor and patient...

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"

The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."

[worldangel]

 Joke: When I was married, my wife us...

When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.

Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Change for a $15 bill

An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.

He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: List of Priorities

I don’t have any curtains in my apartment. I tried to buy curtains; I went to the store, I was like, I would like these curtains, please. And they were like, $40. And I was like, Nope.

Found out right then just how low on my list of priorities curtains were. It turns out Id rather get drunk once than ever have curtains for the rest of my life.
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: An airplane encountered some turbulence...

An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. 

The attendant asked a business man, "Would you like a drink?" 

"Why not?" he replied unkindly, "I'll have whatever the pilot's been having."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Dropped Your Wallet

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.

As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.

Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.

Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. 

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. 
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. 
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." 
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. 
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. 

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." 
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" 
Don't mess with Old People.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Best room in the hotel?

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: John received a free ticket to...

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium.

He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it?

The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sally phoned her husband, Bill...

Sally phoned her husband, Bill, at work for a chat. 

"I'm sorry dear," said Bill, "but I'm up to my neck in work today. I don't have time to chat." 

Sally replied, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear." 

"OK darling," said Bill, "but as I've got no time right now, just give me the good news." 

"Okay," agreed Sally. "Well, the air bag works!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A picky customer

A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. 

"Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. 

She does.

"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too." 

She does.

"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel basket in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jobs at the food company...

One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.

After filing out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.

The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.

Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.

The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it.

The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.

The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.

The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sales associate

Sarah, a Sales Associate at Walmart, notices a man in the card section. When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help. “Can I help you?” she asks.

“Well I don’t know” the man responds “I’m having a problem, I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bar excuse

Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar.

Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him. “So what would you like?” Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him. “Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.” “OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!” Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging

“Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?” “See?” said Harry “and you think I come here just to have a good time?!“

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Son-in-law

Sam was the owner of a worldwide branch of stores and a multi-millionaire. When his daughter Sandy got engaged to a very religious young man he called the future Groom into his office.

“So tell me,” said Sam, sitting the young man down. “What are your plans for the future?” “Well”, said the Groom. “I plan on studying holy works all of my life.” “And how exactly do you plan on supporting my daughter if you are studying all day?” questioned Sam.

“I am sure The Heaven will provide.” answered the young man. “And what about your kids? How do you plan on supporting them?” “The Lord will provide” answered the young man again. “How did it go?” asked Sam’s wife after they finished talking. “It went great” Sam replied. “I had just met the young fellow and already he thinks I’m the Lord!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Present joke

John  gingerly walked up to the sales lady in the clothing store “I would like to buy my wife a pretty pink scarf. ”

“How cute” exclaimed the sales lady,  “sounds like it’s going to be a great surprise.” “It sure is” said John “she’s expecting a new car!”
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy boss

My boss called me into his office today.

 

“We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, Simon,” he said, “but over the last 5 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?” “Vrooom! Vrooooom!” I replied.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Loyal secretary

Bernice had been employed at the same office for over 50 years and was the boss’s top secretary. Everyone was jealous of her. Every day when Bernice showed up for work she would open the drawer to her left, peek inside, and then lock it.

When she finally died, her co-worker Sandy, who was dying of curiosity, made it her mission to figure out what was in that drawer. After days of searching she finally found the key. Sweating with excitement she slowly opened up the drawer. Inside was a folded piece of paper. Slowly she reached inside and took it out, while cautiously looking over her shoulder.

After a few seconds of trepidation she opened it up. It said the following “Put only one spoonful of sugar in the boss’s coffee.”

[worldangel]

Joke: One … Two … and three ….

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.
The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."

Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His penis becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, "That's great! But what did you say 'one, two, three' for?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Once upon a time there was a ….

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gathering snails

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman walking alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A union shop

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00,
looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A three-year-old had been told

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".

"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" was the reply

"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Close Enough For Government

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best:

"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Outdone

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workers.

After several minutes, Morris had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said: "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied: "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Collar size

Dean was suffering from bad health for some time. His eyes bulged out, his throat was swollen and he made peculiar sounds when he spoke. 

The doctor declared that Dean did not have long to live. Undaunted, Dean decided to live life king size till the end. He ordered the best wines and food. He went to a tailor and ordered new shirts, trousers and suit. The tailor suggested 16 size collar. Dean insisted that he would prefer to have size 14 as he always wore that size.

The tailor suggested: “Fine sir, if you insist, I can give you size 14, but I must warn you that your size is 16. If I give you 14, your eyes will bulge out, your throat will swell and you will make croaking sound when you speak."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two hikers were walking through...

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. 

The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing.

Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. 

Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. 

The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Prophylactics

I remember one point, this older gentleman asked me for some prophylactics, and at that time, my sexual vocabulary wasn’t that great, you know.

So, I’m checking my word bank for the closest thing I have to prophylactics. Closest thing I got -- pterodactyls. I was all confused. I was like, Excuse me, sir, I hate to break it to you, but those things have been extinct for 65 million years.