Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Flowers

“What the heck is going on here?” said an angry man storming into the florist shop. “I just lost one of my main clients and it’s your fault!” “Why don’t you calm down a bit” said the lady behind the counter, “and let us know what exactly happened.”

“Well,” said the man “My biggest client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “congratulations on your new location.”

He calls me up and says to me “what’s the big deal with sending me a note that says “rest in peace?!” “Oh no!” she sighed, “now I know why I got a nasty message from the funeral parlour!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hearse

Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi. A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on there way.

Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder. “AHHHH HHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder.

“What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken. “I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Enough is enough

My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, “You’re next!”

After a while, I figured out how to stop them. I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Birthday surprise

Benny decided to buy a present for his Uncle Sam’s birthday, so with his older brother’s help he bought a present, gift wrapped it, and brought it over to his uncle.

His uncle, knowing that Benny’s father manufactured apple juice, and seeing a wet spot on the bottom corner of the box, decided to have some fun with Benny by trying to guess what was in the box. “Hmm” said Uncle Sam, dipping his finger on the wet spot and taking a quick taste, “I’m going to guess it’s a case of apple juice.” “

No” said Benny jumping up and down clearly enjoying the game. “Not apple juice?” Said Uncle Sam clearly surprised. After another quick taste and a brief pause he guessed again “is it apple cider?” “No,” said Benny practically squealing in excitement “IT’S A PUPPY!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bitter divorce

It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over. Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be.

Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided. “Ok”, said the judge, turning to Sam, “I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.”

“That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it” said Sam “I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: High fever

My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.

After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “so what would you say is bothering  you the most?”

Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Boxing

Trying to be a good dad and spend some time with my son, I used to pretend we were boxing. I would get into a fighter stance and jab with both of my fists saying one-two one-two.

That all came to a rather abrupt end, when one day his teacher was handing something out to his class, and asked my son, “would you like one too?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Raise

Sam walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”

“The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mean boss

The CEO of a large company was walking to the cafeteria along with two of his secretaries. Upon tripping on a bottle, a genie appeared and asked the threesome if they would like to each make a wish. The first secretary excitedly exclaimed, “I wish I was on a beach in a tropical island!”

Immediately her wish was granted. The next secretary proclaimed, “I wish I was on a tour of France!” Immediately her wish too, was granted. Being that it was now his turn to make a wish the CEO exclaimed “I want the two of them back in their offices right after lunch!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Girl friend

“Brian, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!” “Oh Dan,” responded Brian “I don’t know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!” “Brian, that’s horrible!” said Dan putting his arm around Brian.

“What type of a gift does she want already?” “Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: “Why don’t you show me how much you care about me? Why can’t you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!” “Dan what should I do? I don’t have that kind of money? I can’t go out and buy her a car!” “A car? asked Dan.

 “Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife insult

“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”

“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.” “Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?” “Never mind” said Harry looking down. “C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”

“Mary, please don’t make me.” “Harry I insist.” “Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: There once was an old man who

There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man.

Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!" said the old woman.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Why You So Fat?

A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son.
"Tony! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's Mama's casseroles!" Tony says.

"I can't stop eating them, it's so good."

"Tony, you should take a smaller bites."

Pop says.

Then Pop looks at his middle son.

"Fred! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's a Mama's roast beef," Vinny says.

"I can't stop eating it, it's so good."

"Fred, you should take a smaller bites."

Then Pop looks at his youngest son, "John! How you stay so slim and trim?"

"It's easy, Pop," John says.

"I eat a lots and lots of pussy."

"Pussy? Pussy?"

Pop says.

"That tastes like shit!"

"Pop, you should a take smaller bites."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where Is My Goat?

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing.

They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! 

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A doctor examined a woman, ...

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The owner of a drugstore walks

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lesson in logic...

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two judges from a small county

Two judges from a small county happen to be stopped for speeding on the same day. They agree that there's no point in calling the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge; they'll just go ahead and hear each other's case. 

The next morning, one judge takes the bench, the other sits at counsel table. The first judge admits he's guilty, and the second judge suspends the fine and court costs for him. 

They then switch places, the second judge pleads guilty as well, but the other judge fines him $200 plus all court costs.
The second judge is exceedingly upset: "I suspended your fine and costs and you go and give me the maximum!"

The first judge responds: "Well, look at the increase we've just had for this crime. SOMEBODY has to do something about it!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Having a Beer

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one... sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves.

On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"

The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."

The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one... sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer... sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I don't mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?"

The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that my wife said that I couldn't go to the bar and drink anymore... but she didn't say anything about my brothers."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Apple pie....

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest.

Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three engineers and three accountants

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. 
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. 
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. 

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". 
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. 
The conductor took it and moved on. 

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. 

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. 
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. 

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stopped by the Police

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed." 
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired." 
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. 

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired." 

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Guy in Town

The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink.

One of the regulars sitting at the pool table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, "hey, I bet you 5 dollars I can lick my eye". The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place.

A funny enough parlor joke, he handed the man 5 dollars and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying "I bet you 5 dollars I can touch my elbow to the back of my head." Desparate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 5 dollars and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head.

Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of $10, the regular headed back over the pool table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up shop, he returned for one last wager. "hey, I bet you $100 I can piss on the celing". The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was eaily 30 feet above and was convince he would soon win his money back and a nights worth of drinking.

The regular pulled it out but didnt even come close, pissing on the bar and the local guy. "Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!"

The regular retorted, "yeah, but I bet the guys over there $500 I could piss on you and make you laugh!"



 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Things to do in an elevator...

When people get on, ask for their tickets.
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, 'Hi Mike. How's your day been?'

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say 'that's mine!'

Push your floor button with your nose.

Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.

Ride naked.

Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday but the other building wasn't high enough.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Placing Your Order

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." 

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A dentist was getting ready to clean ...

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"


 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man took his wife to the rodeo...

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. 
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,  "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." 

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." 

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one." 

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A bad sign...

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.

He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Excuses!

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A student comes to a young professor ...

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A couple walking in the park ...

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.

"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two dwarfs go into a bar, where...

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. 

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. 

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" 

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on." 

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys, Michelle, was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, Michelle went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up, one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A fifteen year-old boy came home...

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." 

"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche costs." 
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." 

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. 

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars." 

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. 

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A husband and a wife were sleeping...

A husband and a wife were sleeping. Suddenly, a sound of a car screeching was heard outside. 

The wife woke up and shouted, "Oh it must be my husband!" 

The husband woke up after he hear his wife's words and ran off to hide in a bush outside. 

Moments later, the husband came in, angry. 

Husband: "What do you mean 'Oh it must be my husband!'. Are you saying you have other men over?" 

Wife: "Well, then why did you run away?"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A psychiatrist was conducting ...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Pukeing drunk

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.

"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife.

"He did," says the drunk.

"But he shit in my pants too."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An absent-minded academic had ...

An absent-minded academic had just moved to a new house further along the same street. All too aware of his tendency to forget things, his wife took the precaution of writing down the new address on a piece of paper before he set off for work that morning. 

"Here's the key to our new house," she said, "and remember, don't come back here this evening, go to the new address." 

"Very well, dear," he replied, and set off for work. 

Inevitably in the course of the day he mislaid the slip of paper and, forgetting all about the move, he automatically returned to the old address. When he tried the key, he couldn't get in. This prompted him to remember the move and to search in his pockets for the piece of paper, which was nowhere to be found. 

In desperation, he wandered along the street and stopped the first approachable young man he came across. 

"Excuse me, young man, I'm Professor Richardson. You wouldn't happen to know where I live, would you?" 

The boy sighed. "Come with me Dad," he said.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Getting tough...

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulders muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, he would extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After a while, he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks. Finally, he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man really loved a woman, but...

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. They dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage. 

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June." 

"Yes, this is June." 

"Will you marry me?" 

"Of course I will! Who's this?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marine Pilot Jimmy

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:  "What do you want to be when you grow up?" 

Little Jimmy says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the Finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Jimmy , decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . . 

"And how about you, Sarah?" 

"I wanna be Jimmy 's whore."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Horse Riding

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons.

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy walked into his friend's...

A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking depressed. 

"Hey, what's wrong with you?" he asked. 

"Oh, it's my wife," replied the man with a sigh. "She's hired a new secretary for me." 

"Well, nothing wrong in that," he said. "Is she blonde or brunette?" 

"Neither. He's bald."


 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Butt Biter

A few years ago when my girlfriend still lived with her parents, I managed to pull a real lu-lu. I came out of the bathroom at the end of the hall in her parents' home and as I walked past my girlfriend's bedroom I saw her making the bed.

She was kneeling on the bed facing away from me, trying to tuck the sheets under the far side of the mattress. Of course this meant her luscious behind was sticking up and waving invitingly in the air. Well, there's few things I like more than gently sinking my teeth into a girl's nice behind, a habit which my girlfriend had already become familiar with.

So naturally I snuk up behind her behind and bit her butt. Imagine my horror when her mother's incredulous face turns around and looks back at me! She didn't know what the hell I was up to!

Of course I could've died of embarrassment at that moment. I stuttered a few words saying how I thought it was her daughter's butt (I don't think that would necessarily go over too well either!), apologized and got out of there.

The next thing I did was march downstairs and immediately tell her husband what had just happened – I'd much rather he heard it from me than her! Of course he laughed his head off and they all still tease me about it to this day.

And I later found out that my middle-aged mother-in-law was actually kind of thrilled to have someone mistake her butt for that of a 25-year-old.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was an engineer who had ...

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. 

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. 

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." 

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. 

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. 

The engineer responded briefly: 
Chalk mark: $1 
Knowing where to put the chalk mark: $49,999
 

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: Two Men Camping


Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and travelled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".
The other replied, "No, it's not!".

The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.

To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Dentist

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said. 

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.' 

The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.' 
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!' 

It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth. 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Serious Sergeant

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." .
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." .

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. .

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me.

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch,
"I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Edited February 5, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: At one point during a game …..

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" 

The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" 

The little boy nodded yes. 
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." 

Do you understand all that?" 
Again the little boy nodded. 
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?" 

Again the little boy nodded. 
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Oldest Profession

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. 

In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was an incredible surgical feat."

The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So the Heaven must have been an architect."

The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"