Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Her husband had been slipping ...

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

 

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.

 

When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck! 
 

Edited March 8, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Overboard

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Push Please


A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. 

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. 

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" 
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" 

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the religious thing to help him." 
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

 He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: We need to help these people

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde getting a haircut

A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. She stopped in the hair salon and asked for a haircut.  She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.

The stylist replied "no" so the blond left. She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. The stylist replied "ok".

After a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. They were saying, "breath in, breath out"

[worldangel]

Joke: Jigsaw

A blonde found herself very lonely when her husband used to go away to work every day. So one day she decided to try a jigsaw puzzle to keep her mind occupied. She lay all the pieces out on the table but she could not get any two pieces to fit together.

 

A few hours later her husband come home to find her very upset and almost in tears. He asked her what was wrong and she replied-
"I can’t solve this stupid jigsaw puzzle! It’s supposed to be a tiger but I can’t even get two pieces to fit together!"

 

The husband looked at the table, took a deep breath and said- "Ok I will make us both a cup of tea and we'll sit down together and put all the frosties back in the box"

 

 

Edited March 8, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going. 

"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey." 
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit." 

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away. 
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be." 

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. 
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost it!

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.
The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.

The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh Goodness no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Casino Money

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. 

The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor: 

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!" 
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Give Bubba a Chance

It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."

Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"

Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a "One Question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.

The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"

There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dentist


A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. 

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. 
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. 
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." 
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" 

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love. 

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." 
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Ham sandwich with mustard...

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection.

A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife who suddenly appeared at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich, when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was NOT mustard!

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Cat and the Sausage

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.

The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.

The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy

[worldangel]

Joke: Nothing personal....

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been been walking in his sleep since childhood."

[worldangel]

Joke: Overboard

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Push Please


A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. 

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. 
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" 

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" 

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." 

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: We need to help these people

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

[worldangel]

Joke: My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

[worldangel]

Joke: Jigsaw

A blonde found herself very lonely when her husband used to go away to work every day. So one day she decided to try a jigsaw puzzle to keep her mind occupied. She lay all the pieces out on the table but she could not get any two pieces to fit together.

 

 A few hours later her husband come home to find her very upset and almost in tears. He asked her what was wrong and she replied- "I can’t solve this stupid jigsaw puzzle! It’s supposed to be a tiger but I can’t even get two pieces to fit together!" The husband looked at the table, took a deep breath and said-

"Ok i will make us both a cup of tea and we'll sit down together and put all the frosties back in the box"

 

Edited March 9, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost it!

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.

The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.

The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh Goodness no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not guilty?

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Old hockey injury

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. His co-worker, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. Just an old hockey injury that acts up once in awhile."

Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy replied, "No, I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-offs. I put my foot through the television...."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Headache

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since he was young.
Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirin.

Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirin, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?

[worldangel]

Joke: Really Good Deed

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

[worldangel]

Joke: A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. 

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." 

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" 

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer. 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Question time....

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time....

"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things....What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad Investment

Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the prosecution.

The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict.

When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "all the others wanted to acquit him."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Black Eyes


A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. 

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." 

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Whatsapp blunder

George received a message on Whatsapp from his neighbour Toby.
The msg read as follows: "Need to make a confession to you, George. I cannot carry the burden of this guilt anymore. I have been using your wife, day and night, when you are away.

In fact, I have been using more than you. It might sound as a lame excuse but I have not been getting it at home. The guilt is killing me and I seek your forgiveness. I am really sorry and promise you I will never do it again. "

George, with mad anger and tears running down his eyes grabbed his gun, found his wife in the kitchen, and shot her in the head.

A second Whatsapp msg followed from Toby.
"This autocorrect will be the end of me someday. I meant 'wifi' and not 'wife'."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: But officer...

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[worldangel]

Joke: Broke bicycle

Little Pamela watched as her mother welcomed Aunt Dorris into the living room. Little Pamela asked her aunt if she would like to go to the backyard to see her bicycle. 

Aunt Dorris agreed and they went to the backyard where a brand new bicycle was parked.

Aunt Dorris, "Wow, that's a beautiful bicycle! Can you ride it?"

"Of course I can ride it!" said Little Pamela, and then added sadly, "but it's broke."

Aunt Dorris looked again at the bicycle and it seemed absolutely ok to her.

So she asked her, "It looks fine to me. What's wrong with it?"

Little Pamela said, "It’s strange. Whenever I ride it, it falls down!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Medication

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?" 
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. 

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

[worldangel]

Joke: Forgetful...

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: White hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. 
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" 

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pig In A Bar

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''
Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

[worldangel]

Joke: Our Stupid Apartments On Fire!

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

"Together, together!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." 
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Feels great...

A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, "I feel great, just great". Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, "I feel great, honey!"
She replies,. "Well you look terrible"!

He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, "She's probably in a bad mood, can't appreciate my good feelings". Meets his best friend, Joe and says, "Joe, I feel great".

Joe looks at him and says "Jeez, you really look terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, "Maybe I've got some unusual disease or something." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, "Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible."

The physician replies, "Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up." The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: "Feels great, looks great, no that's not you". "Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that's not you". "Feels great, looks terrible...Yes that's you... "It says here you're a vagina!"

[worldangel]

Joke: It changed the meaning...

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Comedy of errors

Bob was sharing an interesting story with his friends over drinks. "This is what I call a comedy of errors. Last night while I was partying with you guys at the pub, a burglar broke into my house."

One of the friends asked, "So did he take anything?"
Bob said, "He got more than he asked for. He got broken ribs and couple of teeth knocked out! My wife thought that was me coming home drunk.

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Vampires Go To A Bar


Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like.

 

The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

 

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

 

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

 

Edited March 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

  Joke: The Good Doctor 

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!

I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?” “Relax,” says the shrink, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: St. George and the Dragon

A tramp knocked on the door of the inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answered the door.

The tramp said, “Could you give a poor man something to eat?”
"No,” said the woman, slamming the door in his face.
He knocked again and said, “Could I have a few words with George?”

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walks into a bar and he's...

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink
and asks what the problem is. All he says is, "all lawyers are a*******." 

A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!" 
The pissed-off guy asks him, "why? Are you a lawyer?" 
He replies, "no, I am”

[worldangel]

Joke: A champion jockey is about to ...

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A couple pulled into the drive...

A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his penis.

When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"

"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Smell the Coffee...

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Team Spirit


At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" 
The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" 
The little boy nodded yes. 

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" 
Again the little boy nodded. 

"Good," said the coach. 
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Adam Strays

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate. 
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth." 

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso. 

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

[worldangel]

Joke: Four women were chatting in the...

Four women were chatting in the locker room of their health club, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin' the salami and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation. 

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women. 

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first. 

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it." 

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it." 

"What's that?" 

"Finishing the job."