Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Please stand up....

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

[worldangel]

Joke: We Could Have Been Here Sooner


An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A blonde, worried about the HIV...

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.

"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

"Tax," replies the clerk.

"Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."

[worldangel]

Joke: I Won!

A blonde walked in a diner and orders a cup of coffee. When she gets her drink, she notices that it has a "contest game piece" on the side of the cup. She peels off the sticker and instantly starts screaming, "I won a motor home!" She continues shouting, "I won a motor home!" until the waitress decides to get her boss.

"What's the problem here?" the manager asks.

"I won a motor home!" she shouts again.

"That's impossible!" he replies. "We didn't give out motor homes."

She says "Well, it says so on this sticker."

The boss takes the sticker and reads it. It says: "Win a bagel."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Baseball In Heaven

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Competition at the retirement home


An old man and an old woman are together every night. They aren't married, but for years and years they have spent every night together. All they ever do is sit on the couch buck naked and watch TV while she holds his weiner.

Every night, like clockwork, they do this - sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his weiner.

One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - no show. She calls him up.

"Where you been?" "Oh ... I've been down at what's her name's." "What are you doing there?"

"Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my weiner."

"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"

"Parkinson's."

[worldangel]

Joke: Potatoes!

One night there was three fugitives escaping from jail. One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a red-head. They had the police hot on their trail and quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.

 

When all three were inside the red-head, quickly thinking said they should all hid in old potatoe sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory. They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.

 

They looked at the sacks and said 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these' The officer kicks the Red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises. 'Hmm just puppies in that sack' The officer kicks the Brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises. 'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says.

 

He finally kicks the blonde's sack and he hears....'POTATOES POTATOES!'
 

Edited February 27, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Growing penis

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Future value

A tourist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years, it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The tourist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here, is the check for $900," he said. "It's postdated six years from now."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Pirate visits bar

A pirate was talking to a "land-luvver" in a bar.
The land-luvver noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye.

The land-luvver just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.

He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"

His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."

Finally, the land-luvver asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."

The land-luvver asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

[worldangel]

Joke: An idiot decided to start a chicken farm ...

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start.

 

A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

 

A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.

"But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep.

 

Edited February 28, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Send the Wine Back

A man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read: "Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."

[worldangel]

Joke: The doctor ...

The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy. 

"Fortunately" he continued, "this hospital has perfected the procedure, 
however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will 
therefore have to pay. 

We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing £30,000 and a male brain at £100,000" 

"Why is the male brain so expensive?" asked the patient. 

"Oh, that's easy, male brains are hardly used."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Ploughing the land

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Cannibals and Politicians

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $25.00

Fried Explorer: $35.00

Baked Politician: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Helping your father

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten..."

[worldangel]

 Joke: The usual

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Designated Drunk


One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.

A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.

Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Secretary

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary.
Afraid of sexual harrassment issues he held himself off for a week, but

finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.

But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.

"Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"

Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Banging pussy

There were two prostitutes , one was very beautiful and the other was ugly. The beautiful prostitute used to make around $1,000-$3,000 a month but the ugly one made around $10,000-$13,000.

Confused to why the fuck the ugly one made more money than her, the beautiful prostitute went to the ugly one and asked her.

" Hey girl ! How are you? Looks like you're doing great ,you bought a new car and an apartment, where did you get the money ?".

On this the ugly bitch replied. " Actually I play games with my customer and so I earn a lot, maybe more than you . What I do with my customer is that when we have intercourse I put a small firecracker in my pussy and when it blows up , I start shouting oh you blew up my pussy you bastard, scared that this may put them in trouble my customers end up paying me $500-$800 to get away".

Hearing this, the beautiful blonde prostitute went to the shop

to buy some firecrackers, but as the less power crackers were not available that day she bought a huge powerful firecracker and went to work.

While having intercourse she put the big bomb in her pussy and it went off with a huge bang. Then the prostitute started shouting as planned " You blew up my pussy ...You blew up my pussy".

On this the customer replied ," You bitch, the hell with your pussy, where the fuck is my DICK ".
 

[worldangel]

Joke: For your headache 

A Husband enters the bedroom with an aspirin and a glass of water, where his wife is reading. He says here's your aspirin Dear.

The wife says: Why the aspirin? I don't have a headache. He says: Gotcha!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Morning Mail 

 

This guy is sitting outside on his lawn when he sees his blonde neighbor walk outside and check her mailbox. With a confused look on her face, she walks back inside.

Five minutes later, the blonde walks outside again to check her mailbox. Seeing that there is nothing in it, she walks back inside her house.

Another five minutes later, the blonde comes back outside to check her mailbox.

After watching the blonde check her mailbox 3 times in a row, the guy is pretty curious. When she starts to walk back inside again, he asks, "What are you doing?"

She says, "My computer keeps telling me that I've got mail."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Neighborhood Bar 

 

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.

"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde woman decides that she...

A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

 

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

 

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

 

She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

 

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."
 

 

Edited February 29, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Do Your Boobs?

One day this guy named Dan was sitting in class next to a really hot girl named Jen.

 

He was a dork but had a huge crush on Jen. Dan wanted to tell her about his crush on her but didn't know how to. So he said "Are your boobs so hard that when you touch them your fingers start bleeding?"

 

Jen was totally grossed out and said in reply "I guess you've never seen boobs before" **The End**

 

Edited February 29, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Beautiful Daughter

Once, there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.

The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!" 

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. 

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" 

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Hamburger


A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!" 

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!" ]

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma Loves Oranges

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. 

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic. 

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. 

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

[worldangel]

Joke: The strong young man

 

 

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

 

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

 

 "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 

Edited February 29, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: 12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

 

The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

 

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

 

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
 

 

Edited February 29, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The blonde walks into a drugstore...

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cured...

A woman went to doctor's office for her annual examination.

Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.

A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman's doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren... and you told her she was pregnant?"

The woman's doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Will The Neighbours Think?

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower.

 

"Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
 

Edited February 29, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A man buys a lie detector robot...

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son.

 

"Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!"

 

The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!"

 

The robot slaps the mother.

 

Edited February 29, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: His father sends a small boy to bed ...

His father sends a small boy to bed. Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dating

A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money.

 

The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank. The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank. Which one does he end up marrying?

 

The one with the biggest boobs.
 

Edited February 29, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: First hand job

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.

On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"

"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.

A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor tomorrow

 

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynaecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before."

So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 1, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

 

Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court. Angelina says: "Your honor, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he'always pickna his nose ana when we maka love he's a never letsa me on top. I just canna taka dis anymore."

 

The judge listens solemnly then addresses Giuseppi. "Giuseppi, isa dis true.You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top?

 

What you gotta say fora yourself?" Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be on da bottom. Itsa all go'sa back to when I'ma young boy. My poppa, he'sa very smarta man. I always follow ev'ryting he say. My poppa one day he says, Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life. Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up.

 

 

Edited March 1, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: First time nude

 

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

 

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

 

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

 

Edited March 1, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Deaf sex

 

 

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"

 

 

Edited March 1, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad date

 

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

 

 

 

Edited March 1, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Get your coat on

 

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity, replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

Theddddddddddddddd husband replies, "No. I'm turning the off the heat."

 

 

 

Edited March 1, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Little guy

 

There was a little dude and he walked into an elevator. Standing next to him was a huge dude.

 

The huge dude turned and said to the little dude .. " before you ask me any questions I’m just gonna tell you the answers to what people usually ask me .. I’m 7'2" 375 lbs 2lbs left testicle 2lbs right testicle 15" penis and my name is Turner Brown."

 

Then little dude looks at the big dude in horror and the big dude says:     "What’s the matter? All I did was telling you that I’m 7'2" 375 lbs 2lbs left testicle 2lbs right testicle 15" penis and my name is turner brown." And the little dude says "Oh! Thank goodness! I thought you said turn around!"

 

 

 

Edited March 1, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Meeting the parents

 

 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

 

 

Edited March 1, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The value of 10 dollars

 

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

 

Edited March 1, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Stick it if you please

 

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"

 

 

 

Edited March 1, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Man was walking along a California...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish." 

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy." 

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man is in his front yard attempting ...

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down. 
This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail." 

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"