Feeling guilty after a meet up

[Guest skinnycurious]

Do you guys ever feel guilty after meeting someone for fun? Feels like you're doing smth wrong haha i sometimes feel guilty when I cum on cam

[FattChoy]

I guess it's the social conditioning that our community put us through.  Sad isn't it.  Once I had a chat with an English bear who is an e-education expert in a Chn bathhouse.  He said that he loved traveling to similar places and meeting the men all over.  The tone, he said it was like "I love taking morning walks on the other beach" as if it was an a rather normally acceptable thing.  

 

Over here, the locals say it as if it's some forbidden fruit, in the tone similar to, "When there's no one on the road, I drive 10km/hr over the speed limit, while chewing my gum.  I felt so excited that no one caught me, and a bit guilty at the same time".

[Guest notti]

If I do phone, no.  More often than not, I feel silly.  Not satisfying.  I just want phone jo, yet the person keep forcing me to turn on cam... not satisfying.  Occasionally, some are good. 

 

Last time, ever met up.  Yes, usually regret.  I don't think it's the social conditioning for me, as mentioned.  I just don't think it's right.  I feel it's like a burden why I need to do it. I need to eat to stay alive.  But if I have the urge to eat like sweet stuff, even though I'm not hungry, then it's a burden.  Why I have to do it.  I feel the urge to do something for not creating any thing better (like job give me money to survive), and when the urge come and I cannot have any control over it. Then it's a burden to me.

 

So I stopped it.  Now, I don't do it and I feel much better.  Just occasionally come in to read BW.  And not done phone for > 1 year ?  May be 2 or even more.  Didn't keep track.

 

[auscent]

As long as it is consensual and partner has a fair chance to make mature decision (eg: he is not a captive war slave): why guilt?

[FattChoy]

5 minutes ago, Guest notti said:

If I do phone, no.  More often than not, I feel silly.  Not satisfying.  I just want phone jo, yet the person keep forcing me to turn on cam... not satisfying.  Occasionally, some are good. 

 

Last time, ever met up.  Yes, usually regret.  I don't think it's the social conditioning for me, as mentioned.  I just don't think it's right.  I feel it's like a burden why I need to do it. I need to eat to stay alive.  But if I have the urge to eat like sweet stuff, even though I'm not hungry, then it's a burden.  Why I have to do it.  I feel the urge to do something for not creating any thing better (like job give me money to survive), and when the urge come and I cannot have any control over it. Then it's a burden to me.

 

So I stopped it.  Now, I don't do it and I feel much better.  Just occasionally come in to read BW.  And not done phone for > 1 year ?  May be 2 or even more.  Didn't keep track.

 

Sometimes you just need to stand up for what you do not want to do.  If you don't feel like sharing that facepics, phone number, video call, whatever, just tell them you don't want to.  People out there try all sorts of tricks to coerce it out of you, with the promise of anything that they can mouth out.  

 

Btw, there's so many jo videos online of people who don't realize they're being recorded.  Don't be another victim, unless of course you want to.

Edited October 15, 2020 by FattChoy

[TT2880]

Hello.

 

In a simple explaination, Guilt occurs when what one actions contradicts with one's values/thinking. That is to say, you felt this is right (value) and yet you don't do it (action), guilt arises. Eg. I saw someone harm a child, I could hv helped but I didn't. Then when I realised that the child is badly injuried, I felt guilty that I cld hv done something but I didn't.

 

On the hand, When you feel is not right, but just can't control and did it, guilt arises. As in your eg. Meeting up for sex. 

 

Guilt is different fr regret. Regret usually arises out of disappointment. Eg. Meet up for sex, but he is not my type and I still went ahead. 

 

Thank you. 

 

[tic-toc]

1 hour ago, skinnycurious said:

Do you guys ever feel guilty after meeting someone for fun? Feels like you're doing smth wrong....

When I cruised in public toilets during my younger days = yes

now in sauna = no

[GachiMuchi]

2 hours ago, skinnycurious said:

Do you guys ever feel guilty after meeting someone for fun? Feels like you're doing smth wrong haha i sometimes feel guilty when I cum on cam

 

You need to cut yourself some slack. Don't give pressure to yourself and to embrace who you are.

I started having sex with guys when I was very young. And started meeting people for sex with I was 18. During those time, I also could not accept my own gayness and feels that I am doing something wrong, but yet, I can't help myself and still go and look for sex with men. So the "pressure“ was really heavy on myself.

It was when I was 27 and after a trip overseas that I told myself that I choose to live a happy life for myself and disregard what others might think and accepted myself for who I am; i.e. I am a gay man.

That was the day when I felt I had a huge stone had dropped from my chest.

So, live your life as you see fit and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's your life, you are in charge.

[FattChoy]

What is right and what is wrong?  The law is written by humans and differs globally.

 

I first was exposed to this polar opposites in thinking when I worked I in an MNC design firm. The company has an intranet discussion board whereby, people can share knowledge across the borders.  One day, a designer in Australia started a thread about how they can design toilets to make it more difficult for drug addicts to shoot up drugs there.  And there were quite a handful of inputs from designers from other western countries.

 

I was left thinking, "my god, how can they even tolerate such behaviors of allowing people to shoot up in toilets in the first place?  Aren't these against the law and even punishable by imprisonment and sometimes death?" 

 

Back to the issue of cruising in toilets and camming.  Why are there so much stigma with these actions?  Why do Westerners brag about mile high club, whereas Eastern people have to sneak around here and there like cockroaches as if they're criminals? Westerners are already earning money flashing their junk on OnlyFans platform, yet here we're still guilty about flashing our junk to our buddies over a private video call.  Perhaps it's time to ask the lawmakers, "are we ready to destigmatize sex in public domains?"

 

Just yesterday I was reading the news about a man who had sex with two women in an altar of the church, after which the church burned the altar.  The surprising bit was the lawyer of the women slammed the arrest as appalling, because it was consensual sex between adults away from public view.  

 

Have you ever wondered how many countries do not criminalize cruising or sex in toilets, (as long as it's not visible to the general public?).   Are we Asians ready for it? Do we need to keep the guilt? Why? For how long and for who's benefit?

Edited October 15, 2020 by FattChoy

[Guest Bear uncle]

6 hours ago, TT2880 said:

Hello.

 

In a simple explaination, Guilt occurs when what one actions contradicts with one's values/thinking. That is to say, you felt this is right (value) and yet you don't do it (action), guilt arises. Eg. I saw someone harm a child, I could hv helped but I didn't. Then when I realised that the child is badly injuried, I felt guilty that I cld hv done something but I didn't.

 

On the hand, When you feel is not right, but just can't control and did it, guilt arises. As in your eg. Meeting up for sex. 

 

Guilt is different fr regret. Regret usually arises out of disappointment. Eg. Meet up for sex, but he is not my type and I still went ahead. 

 

Thank you. 

 

Eg. Meet up for sex, but he is not my type and I still went ahead.

 

I didn't want to but don't know what got into me, and I know that once he had me, he'll treat me like dirt.

He's botak old uncle, I'm fit uncle. I thought who am I to be picky at my age, right?

But I enjoyed being teased and slowly stripped by him. I tried saying no a few times but only half heartedly block his hand.

He knows I know...

When he penetrated into me, it's too late.

Sure enough, once he climaxed, he started saying he's busy got things to do. I got the hint.

[Guest FuttChoy]

8 hours ago, FattChoy said:

What is right and what is wrong?  The law is written by humans and differs globally.

 

I first was exposed to this polar opposites in thinking when I worked I in an MNC design firm. The company has an intranet discussion board whereby, people can share knowledge across the borders.  One day, a designer in Australia started a thread about how they can design toilets to make it more difficult for drug addicts to shoot up drugs there.  And there were quite a handful of inputs from designers from other western countries.

 

I was left thinking, "my god, how can they even tolerate such behaviors of allowing people to shoot up in toilets in the first place?  Aren't these against the law and even punishable by imprisonment and sometimes death?" 

 

Back to the issue of cruising in toilets and camming.  Why are there so much stigma with these actions?  Why do Westerners brag about mile high club, whereas Eastern people have to sneak around here and there like cockroaches as if they're criminals? Westerners are already earning money flashing their junk on OnlyFans platform, yet here we're still guilty about flashing our junk to our buddies over a private video call.  Perhaps it's time to ask the lawmakers, "are we ready to destigmatize sex in public domains?"

 

Just yesterday I was reading the news about a man who had sex with two women in an altar of the church, after which the church burned the altar.  The surprising bit was the lawyer of the women slammed the arrest as appalling, because it was consensual sex between adults away from public view.  

 

Have you ever wondered how many countries do not criminalize cruising or sex in toilets, (as long as it's not visible to the general public?).   Are we Asians ready for it? Do we need to keep the guilt? Why? For how long and for who's benefit?

 

Being gay doesn't mean you can go around flashing to strangers or having sex in public. There are decent gay people around; you're just not one of them.

 

You advocate people having sex inside a church? Why don't you go and masturbate inside a mosque and see what happens? You have no bloody decency at all, and you call yourself "educated" with an MBA. 🤮

Just a piece of trash. Human trash. 

 

Since you like western countries and western men so much, get the fuck out of SG and don't come back.

 

Nobody here asked you for your views on society. What your views are on social issues is not important and irrelevant to the gay community, just like what your views are on Marvel/DC superheroes - no one gives a sh*t.

[upshot]

Guilty conscience is always a good 'moral compass' to have. It's being human. It helps me to understand key concepts that rules my life especially in public. They are, 'Just because I can, do not mean I should', 'There is a time and place for everything', sense of decency and self-control.

 

It's your personal arbitrator that guides and rationalise your decision to act on something, leave it or move cautiously on it. The worst means of existence, and we have witnessed throughout history are people who ignore that calling or lack that ability (in-born or cultivated) to self censor, abandon exercises of consideration of others or societal norms. I have that same scenario you were in long ago too, I think it saved me in some sense and help me navigate those dangerous situation when I still persist to do them.

 

I think that is always a good piece of burden to bear with you thorough life. The moment you stop caring and ignore your inner voice before you act (or after), that's when you really have something to worry about moving through life as a human being.

Edited October 15, 2020 by upshot

[doncoin]

Shame is a learned behavior. 

[Steve5380]

17 hours ago, skinnycurious said:

Do you guys ever feel guilty after meeting someone for fun? Feels like you're doing smth wrong haha i sometimes feel guilty when I cum on cam

 

If you feel guilty every time you meet someone for fun,  you are too strict and you need to come down from your high pedestal and accept your humanity.

 

What is normal is to feel guilty sometimes, if one feels that the meeting has somehow victimized the partner in fun.

[Guest Kuching]

Is it normal?

[dom1996]

On 5/25/2022 at 12:05 AM, Guest Kuching said:

Is it normal?

I had a guy who jo with me and started sobbing right after he came, and that weirdly made me feel guilty out of nowhere. 

[doncoin]

That sense of guilt some of us experienced comes from shame conditioning. Being gay, for eons, we have been told is a shameful thing, not to mention illegal. As a result, many gay Singaporeans grow up with that sense of shame of who they are, and those feelings of guilt for being different. Being gay, you do not fit the heterosexual norm majority. A number of gay men find all sorts of distractions  in order to avoid having to deal with the reality and self-acceptance.

 

Even if they come to realise and accept that they are gay, many cannot come out to their families because the sense of shame has been conditioned, not just into them, but their parents as well. Some remain closeted, while others are out only to their friends. We have seen so many instances on this forum of gay men sharing the fact that they cannot be who they are (I.e. CNY when relatives asked about gf questions etc.) and have to continue hiding their authentic selves. Some even got married to avoid being outed. Whatever their reasons are, it all comes down to the fact that they have been conditioned to feel ashamed of who they are.

 

For some, the damage from the shame conditioning has gotten so deep that if they were to, for a moment, indulge in gay sex or anything remotely close, it is not uncommon to learn that they become overwhelmed with guilt after that. They feel they have let themselves down, that they were weak, that it is their fault, etc. Quite a number turned to religion in hopes of finding a "cure" to get rid of being gay, and that sense of shame and the guilt that comes with being different. 

 

Shame can be a very destructive emotion, which is why when the LGBTQA+ community started to rally in the late 60s in the US, and other parts of the world, they chose the word "pride." Gay pride is celebrated in many parts of the world in June. In Singapore, we have Pink Dot. But the word "pride" is not so much about being filled with arrogance but more of no more being ashamed of being gay or different. Pride is about being proud of who you are, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for liking guys and not girls. 

 

It takes a lot of work and time to overcome the sense of shame and guilt that we have been conditioned over time, from our parents, friends, school, community, society, etc. That is why as gay Singaporeans, it is even more important to be supportive of each other instead of tearing each other down. If you had casual sex with someone, enjoy the moment, and do not let the negative thought that you have done something shameful consume you. Or that what you just did is wrong. 

 

Live your life and fuck everyone else. 

[StockBottom]

The only time I felt guilty was when I ejaculated for the first time in my life during secondary school ... and a few times after having sex, but it's more worrying about STI than having had gay sex per se.

 

I never really experience the gay shame/guilt phase ... in fact I'm quite proud and happy to be gay, I consider us a more evolved and intelligent version of homo sapiens than your usual breeders trapped in a vicious life cycle 😂

[fab]

On 5/25/2022 at 12:17 AM, dom1996 said:

I had a guy who jo with me and started sobbing right after he came, and that weirdly made me feel guilty out of nowhere. 

 

Probably u took his Jo virginity. 😃😋

[Didisticha]

Guilt, shame, fear. All byproducts of abrahamic religions to control people like sheeps.

 

正所谓：人不要脸 天下无敌

 

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啊哈哈哈哈哈哈哈。。。。。。。。。。。

 

Edited May 25, 2022 by Didisticha