Confused guy needing advice

[Confusedguy23]

Hi all. First, please let me tell the story.

 

My family and I recently moved to a condo. At night, I enjoy sitting at the swimming pool to feel the breeze and stargaze. In the past one month, I notice that a swimmer keeps looking at me between his laps. He also puts his belonging at the chair next to mine, and always stands next to me when taking off clothes/drying himself off. After his swim, he always waits for me to leave together. If I still sit around after his swim, he will also sit and wait. If I stand up to go back to my block, he also leaves. His block is just next to my block, and the blocks are separated by metal bar doors. While waiting for the lift, he always looks at me. We did not speak a single word to each other.

 

Now, I am not familiar with cruising, but I thought his actions were obvious (and kinda cute). He keeps repeating these actions EVERY TIME, and I sort of thinking about him more and more for the past one month. The other night, he finished swimming and waited for me to leave together as usual (we still had not spoken to each other at that point). When we were waiting for the lift at our respective blocks, I saw him still staring at me. I took the courage to walk towards his block. He responded by openning the metal bar door for me to enter. Then, I followed him and he brought me to his flat. We did not say anything throughout.

 

This was where things got strange. When we were inside his house, we introduced each other. After that, we had some small talk and it was kind of awkward. I thought he was the shy kind, and I asked whether I could give him a hug. He said sure. When we were hugging, I noticed he were pressing his bulge against mine and his was hard. Taking that as a signal, I kissed his neck. He didn't reject, so I kissed his neck one more time. Then, he said that he isn't interested and I should leave. I said "oh sorry, I thought you were interested in me because you kept staring at me" and he replied "no, I only wondered why you always sit by the pool". I felt quite ashamed at that point because he was asking me to leave (I felt as if being kicked out), but I apologized for my misunderstanding and action (asking for a hug and then kissing his neck). After that, I left.

 

I feel very frustrated. Did I really misunderstand his signals? Does a guy, who is uninterested, try to change clothes near my seat/wait for me to leave together/stare at me/bring me to his flat? Did he do all of those simply to find out I'm aj or not? Before you make fun of me by saying he kicked me out after feeling my bulge is small, I can confidently say that my member is of competitive sizing. Admittedly, this guy is still in my mind and it will take a while to disperse the thought. I feel really confused, frustrated and ashamed. What do you think about this whole situation? Did I do something wrong?

 

Thank you in advance for your advice.

[yhtang]

I have a feeling your neighbour got cold feet, or had a change of mind after you kissed him.

If he was just curious as to why "... you always sit by the pool .." he could have just asked you instead of inviting you into his place and press his bulge against you when you kissed him.  

 

For whatever reason, your neighbour chickened out and I do not believe it is your fault. 

Did he do that just to check if you are interested to (potentially) have sex with him?  I do think so.  

 

In any case, I think you have been brave to take the first step (by following him, leading to him inviting you into his place) - and that he ultimately changed his mind would be his loss.  

 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.   

[sg89ailikesi]

If he wasn’t interested, why will he let u in his house. The chances that he living alone in a condo (not sure his age) probably he is a AJ. My guess. Cos people like us can’t buy hdb below 35. 
 

i also think that maybe he had a changed in mind, so do u still go to the pool and sit? 

[Balestier]

Maybe on case his bf comes back

[mature chn]

..

 

Edited August 7, 2022 by mature chn

[And then]

He is the one with the odd behaviour.

As others have mentioned, probably got cold feet, second thoughts.

 

The fact that this poolside tango going on for over a month before any progress is rather weird.

I don't think any confident competent gay guy would have waited that long, considering how obvious it was from your description.

[Startup]

The reason for his behaviour is simple. He rejected you first cos he was afraid of being rejected by you. He was afraid of going further with you and you ended up rejecting him. 
 

The body doesn’t lie. If he wasn’t interested in you in the first place, he wouldn’t be having an erection when hugging you. But he was afraid of getting more involved with you and ended up getting hurt.

 

When his words contradicted with his bodily reactions, the best thing is to stay away from him. But if you want to understand why he behaved so strangely and contradictorily, then use reverse psychology. Then again no point mulling over it. 

Messed up people are the hardest people to deal with. Cos they are always giving mixed signals. Leave them alone.

 

[amicablyalan]

Agreed that he has cold feet. It would be interesting if he would sit next to you the next time you go to swimming pool.

[yhtang]

On 5/31/2022 at 11:22 PM, Startup said:

The reason for his behaviour is simple. He rejected you first cos he was afraid of being rejected by you. He was afraid of going further with you and you ended up rejecting him. 
 

The body doesn’t lie. If he wasn’t interested in you in the first place, he wouldn’t be having an erection when hugging you. But he was afraid of getting more involved with you and ended up getting hurt.

 

When his words contradicted with his bodily reactions, the best thing is to stay away from him. But if you want to understand why he behaved so strangely and contradictorily, then use reverse psychology. Then again no point mulling over it. 

Messed up people are the hardest people to deal with. Cos they are always giving mixed signals. Leave them alone.

 

 

This is good advice.  Leave him alone and stay way.

[earth_tone]

There must be something that you did/said that shocked or put him off or scared him. 

We would not know but "isn't interested" is definitely not the truth based on your description of how he reacted

I won't bother finding out if I am you. It was just too embarrassing to be asked to leave and don't waste precious time on such an asshole

[doncoin]

The neighbor is a complete cock tease. Just move on. 

[ced]

Like what others said, he might have cold feet. Or he just lost interest after you start kissing his neck. Some people are like that. I did met with some also that tease you to follow them which at the beginning they will touch and play with you. But after a while they totally change and not interested anymore. Life is like that. Just move on to the next one

[yuquidam]

@Confusedguy23Some good advice and views from above.

 

To bring you all the way up to his home and then said "not interested" after hugging with an erection shows his inadequacy, whatever that might be, not yours. Take heart and ignore him when you next meet him. You deserve better.

Edited June 5, 2022 by yuquidam

[fab]

On 5/30/2022 at 4:10 PM, Confusedguy23 said:

Hi all. First, please let me tell the story.

 

My family and I recently moved to a condo. At night, I enjoy sitting at the swimming pool to feel the breeze and stargaze. In the past one month, I notice that a swimmer keeps looking at me between his laps. He also puts his belonging at the chair next to mine, and always stands next to me when taking off clothes/drying himself off. After his swim, he always waits for me to leave together. If I still sit around after his swim, he will also sit and wait. If I stand up to go back to my block, he also leaves. His block is just next to my block, and the blocks are separated by metal bar doors. While waiting for the lift, he always looks at me. We did not speak a single word to each other.

 

Now, I am not familiar with cruising, but I thought his actions were obvious (and kinda cute). He keeps repeating these actions EVERY TIME, and I sort of thinking about him more and more for the past one month. The other night, he finished swimming and waited for me to leave together as usual (we still had not spoken to each other at that point). When we were waiting for the lift at our respective blocks, I saw him still staring at me. I took the courage to walk towards his block. He responded by openning the metal bar door for me to enter. Then, I followed him and he brought me to his flat. We did not say anything throughout.

 

This was where things got strange. When we were inside his house, we introduced each other. After that, we had some small talk and it was kind of awkward. I thought he was the shy kind, and I asked whether I could give him a hug. He said sure. When we were hugging, I noticed he were pressing his bulge against mine and his was hard. Taking that as a signal, I kissed his neck. He didn't reject, so I kissed his neck one more time. Then, he said that he isn't interested and I should leave. I said "oh sorry, I thought you were interested in me because you kept staring at me" and he replied "no, I only wondered why you always sit by the pool". I felt quite ashamed at that point because he was asking me to leave (I felt as if being kicked out), but I apologized for my misunderstanding and action (asking for a hug and then kissing his neck). After that, I left.

 

I feel very frustrated. Did I really misunderstand his signals? Does a guy, who is uninterested, try to change clothes near my seat/wait for me to leave together/stare at me/bring me to his flat? Did he do all of those simply to find out I'm aj or not? Before you make fun of me by saying he kicked me out after feeling my bulge is small, I can confidently say that my member is of competitive sizing. Admittedly, this guy is still in my mind and it will take a while to disperse the thought. I feel really confused, frustrated and ashamed. What do you think about this whole situation? Did I do something wrong?

 

Thank you in advance for your advice.

 

Don't need to feel bad.

 

It takes 2 hands to clap.

[firefight]

On 5/30/2022 at 4:10 PM, Confusedguy23 said:

Hi all. First, please let me tell the story.

 

My family and I recently moved to a condo. At night, I enjoy sitting at the swimming pool to feel the breeze and stargaze. In the past one month, I notice that a swimmer keeps looking at me between his laps. He also puts his belonging at the chair next to mine, and always stands next to me when taking off clothes/drying himself off. After his swim, he always waits for me to leave together. If I still sit around after his swim, he will also sit and wait. If I stand up to go back to my block, he also leaves. His block is just next to my block, and the blocks are separated by metal bar doors. While waiting for the lift, he always looks at me. We did not speak a single word to each other.

 

Now, I am not familiar with cruising, but I thought his actions were obvious (and kinda cute). He keeps repeating these actions EVERY TIME, and I sort of thinking about him more and more for the past one month. The other night, he finished swimming and waited for me to leave together as usual (we still had not spoken to each other at that point). When we were waiting for the lift at our respective blocks, I saw him still staring at me. I took the courage to walk towards his block. He responded by openning the metal bar door for me to enter. Then, I followed him and he brought me to his flat. We did not say anything throughout.

 

This was where things got strange. When we were inside his house, we introduced each other. After that, we had some small talk and it was kind of awkward. I thought he was the shy kind, and I asked whether I could give him a hug. He said sure. When we were hugging, I noticed he were pressing his bulge against mine and his was hard. Taking that as a signal, I kissed his neck. He didn't reject, so I kissed his neck one more time. Then, he said that he isn't interested and I should leave. I said "oh sorry, I thought you were interested in me because you kept staring at me" and he replied "no, I only wondered why you always sit by the pool". I felt quite ashamed at that point because he was asking me to leave (I felt as if being kicked out), but I apologized for my misunderstanding and action (asking for a hug and then kissing his neck). After that, I left.

 

I feel very frustrated. Did I really misunderstand his signals? Does a guy, who is uninterested, try to change clothes near my seat/wait for me to leave together/stare at me/bring me to his flat? Did he do all of those simply to find out I'm aj or not? Before you make fun of me by saying he kicked me out after feeling my bulge is small, I can confidently say that my member is of competitive sizing. Admittedly, this guy is still in my mind and it will take a while to disperse the thought. I feel really confused, frustrated and ashamed. What do you think about this whole situation? Did I do something wrong?

 

Thank you in advance for your advice.

What's the aftermath sir?

[Leanmeat]

Completely ignore this time waster like he is not there the next time you are at the pool. For whatever reason that he chickened out, the fact that he observe u for so long and letting u in shows he has enough time to gauge if u r his type. He seem like a looser who just want to knw his market value to you. 

Edited June 16, 2022 by Leanmeat

[MikeC]

.

Edited October 28, 2023 by MikeC

[Gayden]

It’s definitely not your fault with what happened. Whether he chickened out or not is not your problem, he should at least offer you a clear explanation or apology because it definitely takes two hands to clap. 
 

Like what everyone suggests, just ignore him the next time you see him since it’s unavoidable to bump into him when your blocks are next to each other. Don’t start any conversation with him unless he does so. Even then, don’t follow him to his house unless he gives a clear and explicit response of his intentions with you.

 

And don’t mull over it or think about him, there are many more fishes in the ocean out there and you definitely deserve better. 
 

Take care. 

[tic-toc]

Let's explore all possibilities.  It's not my intention to be rude. 

Do you have mouth odour? It can only be felt when you are close up.  Probably he felt it when you kiss him or hugged him. 

[Confusedguy23]

Hi all. Thank you for all the replies. Just to answer some of the questions above: I don't think I said anything inappropriate during the small talk. It was about name, age, swimming, his cat, etc. I don't have bad breath or body odour either.

 

As for the update, I don't see him at the swimming pool anymore after that day. Perhaps he changes his swimming routine to avoid me?

 

At certain point, I did fear maybe everything was all my misunderstanding and he would report me to the police (for kissing his neck). Please hope that isn't the case.

[singalion]

On 5/30/2022 at 4:10 PM, Confusedguy23 said:

Hi all. First, please let me tell the story.

 

My family and I recently moved to a condo. At night, I enjoy sitting at the swimming pool to feel the breeze and stargaze. In the past one month, I notice that a swimmer keeps looking at me between his laps. He also puts his belonging at the chair next to mine, and always stands next to me when taking off clothes/drying himself off. After his swim, he always waits for me to leave together. If I still sit around after his swim, he will also sit and wait. If I stand up to go back to my block, he also leaves. His block is just next to my block, and the blocks are separated by metal bar doors. While waiting for the lift, he always looks at me. We did not speak a single word to each other.

 

Now, I am not familiar with cruising, but I thought his actions were obvious (and kinda cute). He keeps repeating these actions EVERY TIME, and I sort of thinking about him more and more for the past one month. The other night, he finished swimming and waited for me to leave together as usual (we still had not spoken to each other at that point). When we were waiting for the lift at our respective blocks, I saw him still staring at me. I took the courage to walk towards his block. He responded by openning the metal bar door for me to enter. Then, I followed him and he brought me to his flat. We did not say anything throughout.

 

This was where things got strange. When we were inside his house, we introduced each other. After that, we had some small talk and it was kind of awkward. I thought he was the shy kind, and I asked whether I could give him a hug. He said sure. When we were hugging, I noticed he were pressing his bulge against mine and his was hard. Taking that as a signal, I kissed his neck. He didn't reject, so I kissed his neck one more time. Then, he said that he isn't interested and I should leave. I said "oh sorry, I thought you were interested in me because you kept staring at me" and he replied "no, I only wondered why you always sit by the pool". I felt quite ashamed at that point because he was asking me to leave (I felt as if being kicked out), but I apologized for my misunderstanding and action (asking for a hug and then kissing his neck). After that, I left.

 

I feel very frustrated. Did I really misunderstand his signals? Does a guy, who is uninterested, try to change clothes near my seat/wait for me to leave together/stare at me/bring me to his flat? Did he do all of those simply to find out I'm aj or not? Before you make fun of me by saying he kicked me out after feeling my bulge is small, I can confidently say that my member is of competitive sizing. Admittedly, this guy is still in my mind and it will take a while to disperse the thought. I feel really confused, frustrated and ashamed. What do you think about this whole situation? Did I do something wrong?

 

Thank you in advance for your advice.

 

I had never admitted to cruise in such a near distance or common space. It will be awkward if you bump on him every second day. 

 

Regarding his reaction it could have been a trick to find out if you're gay. 

 

His reaction: Plenty of things could have triggered his reaction. He is closeted, never had any sexual encounter before, he didn't like your smell. For closeted guys a kiss could be overstepping his line, because he is not used to such intimacy. 

 

Maybe it had been better if you sit and talk and watch his reaction. 

 

But now it's too late anyway...

 

Also you may understand by watching you all along he might have idolised a certain image of you which broke down when you were together with him at his flat. 

 

 

Edited July 20, 2022 by singalion

[Steve5380]

On 5/30/2022 at 3:10 AM, Confusedguy23 said:

 

I feel very frustrated. Did I really misunderstand his signals? Does a guy, who is uninterested, try to change clothes near my seat/wait for me to leave together/stare at me/bring me to his flat? Did he do all of those simply to find out I'm aj or not? Before you make fun of me by saying he kicked me out after feeling my bulge is small, I can confidently say that my member is of competitive sizing. Admittedly, this guy is still in my mind and it will take a while to disperse the thought. I feel really confused, frustrated and ashamed. What do you think about this whole situation? Did I do something wrong?

 

Thank you in advance for your advice.

 

The one thought you should not have is that he found something strange or undesirable in you.  

 

It seems obvious that the problem was and is WITH HIM!  He might have been acting out of sexual desire but was not ready to accept his feelings.  Or he did not feel anything sexual but was unable to convey to you that his interest was purely platonic.   And the big mistake he did was to ask you to leave.   Regardless of what went wrong, he should have been interested in clearing up the air,  gaining an understanding of what was the misunderstanding and keeping you as a simple platonic acquaintance.

[Gentleman]

my guess, he realised you're not his type. maybe it was the lighting (dark by the swimming pool v.s. in a well-lit room), maybe it was the small talk that you had (maybe he was actually hoping for something inappropriate!).  but these things happen, even in apps.  no one's fault.  just no real mutual attraction that's all.

[Gayhoe]

Could be your voice. Or above. Never mind move on

[earth_tone]

On 7/16/2022 at 2:54 AM, Confusedguy23 said:

Hi all. Thank you for all the replies. Just to answer some of the questions above: I don't think I said anything inappropriate during the small talk. It was about name, age, swimming, his cat, etc. I don't have bad breath or body odour either.

 

As for the update, I don't see him at the swimming pool anymore after that day. Perhaps he changes his swimming routine to avoid me?

 

At certain point, I did fear maybe everything was all my misunderstanding and he would report me to the police (for kissing his neck). Please hope that isn't the case.

I won't worry if I am you because you were invited into his house and he didn't turn aggressive towards you, just asked you to go. Obviously he was just taken aback by his own actions. Too frightened by himself he pulled the hand brake.

[fresh7up]

 Its very strange the fact that both of you did not talk anything and he leading you into his private space (apartment) just so he wants to know why you are sitting by the pool. 

 

Should have said hi by the poolside but then again something must have triggered that made him behave that way. If he is curious did he ever ask you why you always sit by the pool before you hug him?

But I think he have a change of heart somewhere along the lines. Only he knows.

 

Wish could interview him though. So mysterious. But then again, the gay community are like that somehow. Mysterious, ghosted the other party, no reply is a reply kind of thing. 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Angsanatree]

The conjectures here are all so interesting and equally plausible. I'd like to add mine.

 

This reminds me of what I did to a guy when I was 17. I was still in denial about being gay and also didn't know anything about gay sex, never met any openly gay person before (this was before the internet), and the only gay things I knew were effeminate people or crossdressers. 

 

I started working early and had a colleague (Collin, if you're here) who was about 17 too. He said he was straight, I said I was too, and we hung out a lot and I enjoyed his company. We started talking about masturbation, which got me excited, and I was always hard when we talked about it... but after a while, he kept on the topic and would often follow me to the toilet. I got frightened and started to avoid him. I never gave him another chance to get close (sorry).

 

On hindsight, I realise I had cockteased him and treated him unfairly. A different scenario might have occured if instead of talking about sex, if we had developed our friendship more. Then, along they way, I might eventually open up, give in to my curiosity, and we could have experimented sexually together for our first time, and perhaps he would become my first boyfriend. (Collin, if you're here, do pm me. haha)

 

So - if your neighbour is anything like I was, or bi-curious, in denial, fearful, naive and idealistic... then he might have reacted differently if you had perhaps held his hand and got to know him more, or allowed him to make the first moves.

 

If you do get a chance to share a moment again, try allowing him to come forth first. 

 

I'm so interested to know what happens next! I so hope something good comes out of this

[AgentFit]

On 5/30/2022 at 4:10 PM, Confusedguy23 said:

Hi all. First, please let me tell the story.

 

My family and I recently moved to a condo. At night, I enjoy sitting at the swimming pool to feel the breeze and stargaze. In the past one month, I notice that a swimmer keeps looking at me between his laps. He also puts his belonging at the chair next to mine, and always stands next to me when taking off clothes/drying himself off. After his swim, he always waits for me to leave together. If I still sit around after his swim, he will also sit and wait. If I stand up to go back to my block, he also leaves. His block is just next to my block, and the blocks are separated by metal bar doors. While waiting for the lift, he always looks at me. We did not speak a single word to each other.

 

Now, I am not familiar with cruising, but I thought his actions were obvious (and kinda cute). He keeps repeating these actions EVERY TIME, and I sort of thinking about him more and more for the past one month. The other night, he finished swimming and waited for me to leave together as usual (we still had not spoken to each other at that point). When we were waiting for the lift at our respective blocks, I saw him still staring at me. I took the courage to walk towards his block. He responded by openning the metal bar door for me to enter. Then, I followed him and he brought me to his flat. We did not say anything throughout.

 

This was where things got strange. When we were inside his house, we introduced each other. After that, we had some small talk and it was kind of awkward. I thought he was the shy kind, and I asked whether I could give him a hug. He said sure. When we were hugging, I noticed he were pressing his bulge against mine and his was hard. Taking that as a signal, I kissed his neck. He didn't reject, so I kissed his neck one more time. Then, he said that he isn't interested and I should leave. I said "oh sorry, I thought you were interested in me because you kept staring at me" and he replied "no, I only wondered why you always sit by the pool". I felt quite ashamed at that point because he was asking me to leave (I felt as if being kicked out), but I apologized for my misunderstanding and action (asking for a hug and then kissing his neck). After that, I left.

 

I feel very frustrated. Did I really misunderstand his signals? Does a guy, who is uninterested, try to change clothes near my seat/wait for me to leave together/stare at me/bring me to his flat? Did he do all of those simply to find out I'm aj or not? Before you make fun of me by saying he kicked me out after feeling my bulge is small, I can confidently say that my member is of competitive sizing. Admittedly, this guy is still in my mind and it will take a while to disperse the thought. I feel really confused, frustrated and ashamed. What do you think about this whole situation? Did I do something wrong?

 

Thank you in advance for your advice.

 

Hi confusedguy23, I stumbled on your post and have read all the comments posted here.  I think many gave you possible explanations about what could have happened, and also the suggestion that ignoring him is the best thing.   I reflected on my experiences, and also recalled episodes of suddenly being ghosted by someone, or that I myself might have appeared to have suddenly changed my stance about someone, which is usually caused by something he said or did or something I noticed which I didn't before until closer proximity.   I hope the various views have comforted you, showing that many cared enough to share their views.

 

I think an important takeaway is also this: That we don't always have clear reasons we seek (from others) to know what had gone 'wrong', but learning to close such episodes in spite of the difficulties, gives us strength and resilience in life too.

It's been a 6 mths since - mind if I ask - what has or has not happened since your last update?

 

 

 

Edited November 24, 2022 by AgentFit
clearer explanation