How do you find the strength to carry on?

[fenghou]

Long read, please ignore this post if it does not resonate with you.

 

Hello all,

 

I am 32 years old this year. My life is not the worst, and compared to many people in society, I may be considered lucky despite earning below median income. I am a Buddhist and for all my life, I have always know and accepted that death is an inevitability of life. Death of your loved ones (parents namely) and also myself ultimately. However, what I was unprepared for is the process of dying, the slow and many times painful process of death...

 

Recently, my beloved mother was diagnosed with Stage 3-4 cancer. She is nearly 70 years old. She had previously been through two major operations in her life, and before her recent diagnosis, I have always kept her in prayer and prayed for her good health. While I know death is an inevitability of life, what I prayed for was her to reach this stage only in her 80s. By then, I planned, I would have had amble time to earn a good living, provided for her like any filial son should and I want to, and also to make more memories with her.

 

She was warded in December. I visited her everyday for a month. During the process of the diagnosis, it was very confusing, scary and frustrating at times. But thankfully, she met the right doctor who correctly diagnosed her cancer instead of sending her repeatedly towards needless tests that did nothing for her.

 

When the doctor broke to my family that she had cancer, my heart sank, but in front of her, I held back tears and pushed on. She eventually accepted chemotherapy as recommended by the doctors and I was relieved that she choose to receive treatment. A week before her first chemotherapy, she caught a fever, the doctors then gave her an IV drip of antibiotics. When I was in the ward with her, I remember vividly that she felt cold (despite us being in a Class C ward with no air conditioning), and that during one of the fever episodes, she felt extreme coldness and started to shiver violently. She shivered violently, the whole bed was vibrating and everyone in the ward looked at us. In her helplessness, started calling out the names of her long deceased parents, crying for help. This shook me to the very core of my being, I want to cry but doing so and knowing her, my mother will blame herself for causing "trouble" for us and I so held back tears. I felt so utterly powerless. There was nothing, nothing I could do to make her feel better. I felt as if I was a waste of a man, a failure as a son. I am not rich, I am not successful, I have not found love or a life partner to journey with me and the only sense of self-worth I had for myself is to be a good son. But even for this one thing, I was proven to be absolutely helpless.

 

Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. 

 

2 Months went by and I thank the heavens that she responded very well to chemotherapy. Doctors then had a consultation with her again to talk about surgery in great detail, the scope and the objective. The surgery was explained to both my mother and my family at the same time. She started to cry halfway through the explanation and once again I was at a lost. Seeing someone you love dearly almost in her 70s devastated is not an easy thing to accept. After all, how many people can accept it if you tell them that they will be cut up, have at least 3 major organs removed or altered, be on life-support/breathing tubes and ICU for a week minimally, and be attached to an ostomy bag. Even for me who is relatively young in his 30s, if you tell me I need to go through that, I will be at a loss too.

 

I returned to work the next day, asking my colleagues and friends, how do they cope with the lost of their loved ones. Incidentally, my counterpart at work lost his father just about a year ago. He recounted every detail of how he lost his father, at what time he received the phone call, the look on her father's eyes when he visited, and how sad he felt.

 

I then popped the question : "How do you cope with the lost of your father? And how did you find the strength to carry on?"

 

"I was at a lost, I was sad, I did not know what to do. But the moment I stepped into my house, I have bills to pay, 2 kids looking at me with diapers to change, and a whole set of things to do to build a family for my kids." He replied.

 

For my colleague, the way he dealt with the lost was to step into the role of becoming a father, a father just like his own now-deceased parent figure. He was sad, but he had to step up, and the rites of life of being a new Dad helped him to both serve as a distraction, to create space mentally, and also as a motivation and a way to honor the love that he received from his late Dad.

 

I went home solemn, and thought to myself....

 

How am I going  to find the strength to carry on??

I am not rich.

I don't have someone I love romantically.

I have nothing to my name, and I am not someone who is of great contribution to society.

I am gay, I am not going to start a conventional straight family unit. I don't have a blessing (in this case) to have fatherly duties to distract myself or have people who needed me or depended on me.

 

My experience in the Singapore gay community is plagued by cheating, politics, drama, sexual scandals, drug-use and its whole host of problems (I don't take drugs), people who objectify you and treat you like dirt and ghost you after they had their "prize". Coupled what I just described with the fact that I am largely introverted means that I don't have a big circle of gay friends who function as my support group. I do have one or two dear gay friends I can text and who would lend a listening year, but I lack the health support group and community which I find now to be incredibly invaluable.

 

When eventually, my mother dies, and recover from the whole process of the pain she had to go through... how am I going to find a reason to carry on?

So my question is, how do you find the strength to carry on?

 

Please share with me your life stories.

I thank you for reading this far and I thank you again in advance for the inspiration you may provide by sharing with me your life story

[mallow]

Ooh.. this is really a heavy post.

 

The loss of any loved ones would be a devastating blow.

Only time will heal, unfortunately.

However, because we are human... should that day comes, do accept those sadness.

Cry out all you want if you feel like it, but don't like it overwhelm you.

You likely will feel sad, down or depressed for the next few months or even years.

And is normal.

You should feel less pain as time goes by.

 

On the powerless or helpless part, I don't have a solution myself also.

Often when it comes to this, I would just think what is it I could do at the moment.

If you have did what you can, at least you tried your best.

And I think you did, so just continue what you doing should be fine.

 

Moving to the strength of moving on.... hmm, perhaps first, you have to "love yourself"? And live for yourself.

 

I don't believe in eternity, be it friends, lovers or even family.

People will pass and go. It is just way of life.

Ah dont get me wrong here.

I will definitely feel sad if any of those happen, but I understand and will try to accept it.

No matter how painful or hard it is, life still goes on, and I have to move on.

 

So with that, many times in fact, I feel life is so short.

There are so many things that I want to do, and possibly wont be able to complete (cause reality is majority of time we have to work...).

 

I am an introvert as well. But I dont have any gay friends at all.

Am deeply closeted and no one else is aware.

I do have close friends, and that is good enough for me.

 

I (try to) cherish people or even things around me, and i think they do cherish me as well.

Should the day come where anyone decided to leave me because of my sexual orientation (or any other reasons), so be it. 

As os their choices, nothing else I could do.

And that, shouldn't stop us for doing things of what we want.

 

Ah, I think I went too much about myself.

But right, you should just think about yourself as well (not asking you to be self centered or selfish).

Like, what are the things you desire to do?

Or it can be literally anything... like things you feel helpless.. things you hate.

So the desire part would be to reduce those emotions.

For example, a lot of times we feel helpless because of financial issue. To not feel that again, something needs to, and can be changed.

Some hmm, yea it would be hard.. and I still thinking of it. Hey, and that would be a question that i would ponder while moving on until i find a solution.

 

Yea, that's all...

I am not good at words... not sure if it ans your questions but hope it could help a little at least... 😅

[Guest Do what you needa do]

My mom got diagnosed with stage 3 cancer recently too. And it was a rare cancer that only got 0.8% chance to grow at the pelvic. The diagnosis took 1.5 months. It was a confusing and frustrating period as the doc always came with the worst possible things to say pre report. But, I know it's not easy you just gotta do what is needed to do. The one with cancer is the one with the pain both emotionally and physically. We gotta stay strong and trying to make things as comfortable and as comforting for them emotionally. Even if the prognosis is not good. You got to find ways to spin it in a decent manner. All in all you got to set your perspective right, try not to let the cancer take over you totally, try to live abit for yourself so that you can take it away emotionally and help the one with cancer. Help yourself, so that you can help them. 

[IkuTube]

My spirit goes out to you, @fenghou.

 

It brings tears reading your post, reminded me of my personal experience 6 years ago with the passing of my partner.  I had written my experience on this Forum in the Members Section, titled "The Good 31 Years".

As I read your post, three things come to mind.  One - the role of the loved ones (caregivers).  Two - the situation of the patient.  And Three - Coping with grief and loss.

The role of the loved ones (Caregivers)

 

It is important for this group to speak out the worries, their fears and anxieties.  Reaching out to be heard is a therapy in itself, to find calmness and peace while facing the difficult situation at hand.  When they reach out, they will find the strength to take care for the patient and called on all the courage to face the ordeal.

In your case, my advice is not for you to focus on yourself at this moment.  The more you are to question on your drawbacks, you will not be able to provide the best for your mother whom you love and care much more.

Right now is not the right time to self pity nor to blame yourself for what you think you have failed in your life thus far.  You must not penalized yourself with negativity - it will not help for the well being of your mother.

As you said, "My life is not the worst".  Empower this affirmation and own the feeling of gratitude to compound it more.  You are only 32 of age, there will be more opportunities and you must not dampen it with negative self talk.  Change is constant and the best effective change is always through catastrophic events.  It will be your realization - the awareness - that will determine a much better life for you ahead.

The situation of the patient

It is good to talk with your mother as to what she thinks would be the next best thing moving forward.  With all the medical information given by the doctor, the decision has to be hers but/and  guided by the wisdom of the family.  Importantly, give deep thought to the quality of life on the patient.

 

Listen to what your mother wants.  Let her speak on what would be the best for herself.  Her peace of mind is important.  When there is peace, there will be comfort.

Coping with grief and loss

The pain of loss can be overwhelming.  When it happened to me, I found peace by accepting that he was gone.  That all his sufferings were lifted and he would be at a better place.  I told myself that God loved him more than I did.

Yes, there would be guilt.  There would be denial.  There would be anger.  However, it would be our acceptance that will heal us as we move forward.

Death teaches those who are left behind.  Those whom have departed have departed.  You may want to read on 'The 5 Stages of Grief' to psyche yourself with the inevitable situation you are in now.

 

My prayers go to you and your family, @fenghou.

 

 

 

[Why?]

2 hours ago, fenghou said:

Long read, please ignore this post if it does not resonate with you.

 

Hello all,

 

I am 32 years old this year. My life is not the worst, and compared to many people in society, I may be considered lucky despite earning below median income. I am a Buddhist and for all my life,

 

How am I going  to find the strength to carry on??

I am not rich.

I don't have someone I love romantically.

I have nothing to my name, and I am not someone who is of great contribution to society.

I am gay, I am not going to start a conventional straight family unit. I don't have a blessing (in this case) to have fatherly duties to distract myself or have people who needed me or depended on me.

 

My experience in the Singapore gay community is plagued by cheating, politics, drama, sexual scandals, drug-use and its whole host of problems (I don't take drugs).....yada yada...whatever.....

Your beloved one is in dire situation, and will mark the beginning of her long health journey and thus MUST BE taken seriously and with priority above everything else. EVERYTHING HIGHTLIGHTED IN RED IS NO LONGER RELEVANT and is CONSIDERED REDUNDANT IN YOUR CASE.    With that out of the way,  you have a mission to be your mother's keeper and it is not unfair.  If you have any siblings, rob them into the mission too.   Thereafter, concentrate on your careers, built your savings which may comes in handy some days.    10 years later, you are still young at 42 (still very sought after in the gay world) and your mother would have lived to her full riped years.  Tough it out!

Edited March 5, 2023 by Why?

[123ZZZ]

Don’t have the answer for you, maybe some thoughts…

perhaps be strong for your mum, try to be happy and live on to make your mum proud…

Tell yourself that she is at a better place and happier…

time might be the best medicine and step by step things will get better…

have faith and try to do good by helping others in small ways…

please take care and best wishes to you…

[LeL9]

i stopped reading halfway, I cried.... reminds me of my dear. My ex-bf. He took his life 3 years ago....at 29. Lost of a love one..

[GachiMuchi]

13 hours ago, fenghou said:

Long read, please ignore this post if it does not resonate with you.

 

Hello all,

 

I am 32 years old this year. My life is not the worst, and compared to many people in society, I may be considered lucky despite earning below median income. I am a Buddhist and for all my life, I have always know and accepted that death is an inevitability of life. Death of your loved ones (parents namely) and also myself ultimately. However, what I was unprepared for is the process of dying, the slow and many times painful process of death...

 

Recently, my beloved mother was diagnosed with Stage 3-4 cancer. She is nearly 70 years old. She had previously been through two major operations in her life, and before her recent diagnosis, I have always kept her in prayer and prayed for her good health. While I know death is an inevitability of life, what I prayed for was her to reach this stage only in her 80s. By then, I planned, I would have had amble time to earn a good living, provided for her like any filial son should and I want to, and also to make more memories with her.

 

She was warded in December. I visited her everyday for a month. During the process of the diagnosis, it was very confusing, scary and frustrating at times. But thankfully, she met the right doctor who correctly diagnosed her cancer instead of sending her repeatedly towards needless tests that did nothing for her.

 

When the doctor broke to my family that she had cancer, my heart sank, but in front of her, I held back tears and pushed on. She eventually accepted chemotherapy as recommended by the doctors and I was relieved that she choose to receive treatment. A week before her first chemotherapy, she caught a fever, the doctors then gave her an IV drip of antibiotics. When I was in the ward with her, I remember vividly that she felt cold (despite us being in a Class C ward with no air conditioning), and that during one of the fever episodes, she felt extreme coldness and started to shiver violently. She shivered violently, the whole bed was vibrating and everyone in the ward looked at us. In her helplessness, started calling out the names of her long deceased parents, crying for help. This shook me to the very core of my being, I want to cry but doing so and knowing her, my mother will blame herself for causing "trouble" for us and I so held back tears. I felt so utterly powerless. There was nothing, nothing I could do to make her feel better. I felt as if I was a waste of a man, a failure as a son. I am not rich, I am not successful, I have not found love or a life partner to journey with me and the only sense of self-worth I had for myself is to be a good son. But even for this one thing, I was proven to be absolutely helpless.

 

Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. 

 

2 Months went by and I thank the heavens that she responded very well to chemotherapy. Doctors then had a consultation with her again to talk about surgery in great detail, the scope and the objective. The surgery was explained to both my mother and my family at the same time. She started to cry halfway through the explanation and once again I was at a lost. Seeing someone you love dearly almost in her 70s devastated is not an easy thing to accept. After all, how many people can accept it if you tell them that they will be cut up, have at least 3 major organs removed or altered, be on life-support/breathing tubes and ICU for a week minimally, and be attached to an ostomy bag. Even for me who is relatively young in his 30s, if you tell me I need to go through that, I will be at a loss too.

 

I returned to work the next day, asking my colleagues and friends, how do they cope with the lost of their loved ones. Incidentally, my counterpart at work lost his father just about a year ago. He recounted every detail of how he lost his father, at what time he received the phone call, the look on her father's eyes when he visited, and how sad he felt.

 

I then popped the question : "How do you cope with the lost of your father? And how did you find the strength to carry on?"

 

"I was at a lost, I was sad, I did not know what to do. But the moment I stepped into my house, I have bills to pay, 2 kids looking at me with diapers to change, and a whole set of things to do to build a family for my kids." He replied.

 

For my colleague, the way he dealt with the lost was to step into the role of becoming a father, a father just like his own now-deceased parent figure. He was sad, but he had to step up, and the rites of life of being a new Dad helped him to both serve as a distraction, to create space mentally, and also as a motivation and a way to honor the love that he received from his late Dad.

 

I went home solemn, and thought to myself....

 

How am I going  to find the strength to carry on??

I am not rich.

I don't have someone I love romantically.

I have nothing to my name, and I am not someone who is of great contribution to society.

I am gay, I am not going to start a conventional straight family unit. I don't have a blessing (in this case) to have fatherly duties to distract myself or have people who needed me or depended on me.

 

My experience in the Singapore gay community is plagued by cheating, politics, drama, sexual scandals, drug-use and its whole host of problems (I don't take drugs), people who objectify you and treat you like dirt and ghost you after they had their "prize". Coupled what I just described with the fact that I am largely introverted means that I don't have a big circle of gay friends who function as my support group. I do have one or two dear gay friends I can text and who would lend a listening year, but I lack the health support group and community which I find now to be incredibly invaluable.

 

When eventually, my mother dies, and recover from the whole process of the pain she had to go through... how am I going to find a reason to carry on?

So my question is, how do you find the strength to carry on?

 

Please share with me your life stories.

I thank you for reading this far and I thank you again in advance for the inspiration you may provide by sharing with me your life story

 

 

How am I going to find the strength to carry on??

I am not rich.

[Rich or poor, you can still get cancer, depression, etc. and dies.  Being rich don't stop someone to get cancer nor does it help them find a life partner.  If you want to be rich, you will need to scarify time, you want to find a partner then you will need to put in time for the relationship.  There are no short cuts and don't expect to strike lottery. Only a fool will think they can get rich quick. ]

 

I don't have someone I love romantically.

[you don't need someone to love to have a happy life. I am sure you have people going after you, just that they are not your type. You are still single as it is your choice not to compromise by going with someone with bad attributes in personality, etc. So, don't say you don't have someone you love, just that you had high expectations for your partner.] 

 

I have nothing to my name, and I am not someone who is of great contribution to society.

[Do you want something to your name? What can you contribute to the society? Go and think about what you want to contribute?
Fame is fleeting and the bigger your name, the harder your fall.  Hope names like "Dee Kosh" & "Eden Ang" just to name a few.  (Google it) ]

 

I am gay, I am not going to start a conventional straight family unit. I don't have a blessing (in this case) to have fatherly duties to distract myself or have people who needed me or depended on me.

[you would have to deal with who you want to be. Since you said you are gay, you just need to do your best as a good son. Don't let the "conventional chains" tie you down because we gays are not going the conventional ways. Don't need to try to "fit-in" to proof that you "Normal", just be who you are, and your duty is to your family and not to show off "how normal" you are to your relatives or friends.]

 

My experience in the Singapore gay community is plagued by cheating, politics, drama, sexual scandals, drug-use and its whole host of problems (I don't take drugs), people who objectify you and treat you like dirt and ghost you after they had their "prize". Coupled what I just described with the fact that I am largely introverted means that I don't have a big circle of gay friends who function as my support group. I do have one or two dear gay friends I can text and who would lend a listening year, but I lack the health support group and community which I find now to be incredibly invaluable.

[Straight people face the same issues as you do too. What you mentioned is not new. You don't have to fit in just to have a large circle of "fake" friends. You only need to grow some balls and be the best of who you are and go find your own happiness. The right person with the same mindset will come to you only when you don't give yourself excuses that you are an introvert, I don't have big circle, etc. People don't give you attention because you don't even believe in yourself and keep giving yourself excuses. Take charge of your life.]

 

When eventually, my mother dies, and recover from the whole process of the pain she had to go through... how am I going to find a reason to carry on?

[That is your mother, she will have to find the strength to carry on with the love and care from you and your family. You are not the person going through the cancer nor suffering the pain, you can empathise with her and be there for her to comfort her. As for you, although it not a pleasant experience seeing your loved one suffering, you should be strong and tells her that everything will be all right and you are taking care of things instead of being weak and whining on how to go on with your life. I think that is not what your mother wants to see. So, suck it up! Stop being such a pussy. Be the man you are supposed to be.]

 

So my question is, how do you find the strength to carry on?

 

Please share with me your life stories.

I thank you for reading this far and I thank you again in advance for the inspiration you may provide by sharing with me your life story

My mum died of cancer too back in 2018 and I know what you are going through, and she passed away on the day I had to fly overseas for work for about 1.5 months and after I came back, the funeral was over and things at home was back to where it was, but she was no longer around. But I was glad that I had said my goodbyes and although back in my mind, there was some regrets on things I might have done. I am glad she passes on quickly without much suffering.  Our parents will eventually leave us, and it will be up to us to live our lives as best as we can.  So, start living your live as best you can. I am sure your mother would want you to be happy and live a good life.

 

 

[Steve5380]

15 hours ago, fenghou said:

 

I am a Buddhist and for all my life, I have always know and accepted that death is an inevitability of life.

---

How am I going  to find the strength to carry on??

I am not rich.

I don't have someone I love romantically.

I have nothing to my name, and I am not someone who is of great contribution to society.

I am gay, I am not going to start a conventional straight family unit. I don't have a blessing (in this case) to have fatherly duties to distract myself or have people who needed me or depended on me.

 

 

I want to second the wise comment of @Why? and keep elaborating.   I was for many years the caregiver of my disabled bf until he passed away.  I understand your situation!

 

How will you find the strength to carry on?  The strength WILL COME TO YOU.  

 

You are a honorable, moral loving son that your mother had the fortune to bring to life.  Your care for your mother will proceed naturally driven by the supreme force of love.  The four impediments you listed won't interfere. From your story it appears that the proper medical care of your mother won't require that you are rich.  You personally will carry on because you respect your obligation to keep yourself alive.  

 

You have met the TRIAL BY FIRE that can elevate your level of existence like few other ways can do.   As a Buddhist, you understand that this is the golden opportunity to build up your Karma in a way that will define your afterlife.

 

It is helpful that you cultivate your state of mind for this situation.  Your tolerance, satisfaction, happiness is created in your mind and should not be forced by the circumstances or the four impediments you listed.  As result of this TRIAL you will emerge as a better person.  Those of us who are or have been in your same situation can give testimonial of this.

[Steve5380]

3 hours ago, LeL9 said:

i stopped reading halfway, I cried.... reminds me of my dear. My ex-bf. He took his life 3 years ago....at 29. Lost of a love one..

 

My heart goes out to you!   As the surviving partner of a bf who passed away,  I recognize your grieving, which can have an added dimension because he took his life.  This is a fatal illness like any other that may not be prevented.  I hope you are not coping with feelings of guilt.  Remember that he is in peace now,  while we the survivors may have to suffer for the rest of our lives.  "May have to",  because we can also help our grieving to subside. 

[Saggiboy]

I went through similar. 

My advice, focus on what u can do and have now, and not what u can't do or dun have. 

Find inner strengths, and use them at appropriate times. 

It's OK to feel lost/down/regrets etc. Recognise these negative emotions/thoughts and draw on the positive again. 

Feel free to reach out to chat. 

[Firday]

I dun have a good answer for you but i can share if i was in your position :

 

1. Demise - i treat as travel to other countries,when think of them - look at the star or moon to say hello - how things going.

2. Re focus - pick up a hobby,learn new thing or travel to experience new insight

3. Relationship - make new friends who can click well - we dun need ltr at our age. Too much commitment,some time lover or bf dun really promise "no lonelyness" situation.

4. Think what you can do , less think of negative or events u can't do much about it. 

 

summary : let it go,move on and stay gratitude.

 

we can give you ideas and ways but if you not going to action - means standing in lost horizon too!

 

i can be your friends - just pm.

 

just stop whinning, tears and emo mood when with me!

 

i can just stand by you until your low mood tide over.

[ClosureEssentials]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through right now. I don't have any answers but I wish you'll find strength soon. 

[Ironrod]

On 3/5/2023 at 1:11 PM, fenghou said:

Long read, please ignore this post if it does not resonate with you.

 

Hello all,

 

I am 32 years old this year. My life is not the worst, and compared to many people in society, I may be considered lucky despite earning below median income. I am a Buddhist and for all my life, I have always know and accepted that death is an inevitability of life. Death of your loved ones (parents namely) and also myself ultimately. However, what I was unprepared for is the process of dying, the slow and many times painful process of death...

 

Recently, my beloved mother was diagnosed with Stage 3-4 cancer. She is nearly 70 years old. She had previously been through two major operations in her life, and before her recent diagnosis, I have always kept her in prayer and prayed for her good health. While I know death is an inevitability of life, what I prayed for was her to reach this stage only in her 80s. By then, I planned, I would have had amble time to earn a good living, provided for her like any filial son should and I want to, and also to make more memories with her.

 

She was warded in December. I visited her everyday for a month. During the process of the diagnosis, it was very confusing, scary and frustrating at times. But thankfully, she met the right doctor who correctly diagnosed her cancer instead of sending her repeatedly towards needless tests that did nothing for her.

 

When the doctor broke to my family that she had cancer, my heart sank, but in front of her, I held back tears and pushed on. She eventually accepted chemotherapy as recommended by the doctors and I was relieved that she choose to receive treatment. A week before her first chemotherapy, she caught a fever, the doctors then gave her an IV drip of antibiotics. When I was in the ward with her, I remember vividly that she felt cold (despite us being in a Class C ward with no air conditioning), and that during one of the fever episodes, she felt extreme coldness and started to shiver violently. She shivered violently, the whole bed was vibrating and everyone in the ward looked at us. In her helplessness, started calling out the names of her long deceased parents, crying for help. This shook me to the very core of my being, I want to cry but doing so and knowing her, my mother will blame herself for causing "trouble" for us and I so held back tears. I felt so utterly powerless. There was nothing, nothing I could do to make her feel better. I felt as if I was a waste of a man, a failure as a son. I am not rich, I am not successful, I have not found love or a life partner to journey with me and the only sense of self-worth I had for myself is to be a good son. But even for this one thing, I was proven to be absolutely helpless.

 

Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. 

 

2 Months went by and I thank the heavens that she responded very well to chemotherapy. Doctors then had a consultation with her again to talk about surgery in great detail, the scope and the objective. The surgery was explained to both my mother and my family at the same time. She started to cry halfway through the explanation and once again I was at a lost. Seeing someone you love dearly almost in her 70s devastated is not an easy thing to accept. After all, how many people can accept it if you tell them that they will be cut up, have at least 3 major organs removed or altered, be on life-support/breathing tubes and ICU for a week minimally, and be attached to an ostomy bag. Even for me who is relatively young in his 30s, if you tell me I need to go through that, I will be at a loss too.

 

I returned to work the next day, asking my colleagues and friends, how do they cope with the lost of their loved ones. Incidentally, my counterpart at work lost his father just about a year ago. He recounted every detail of how he lost his father, at what time he received the phone call, the look on her father's eyes when he visited, and how sad he felt.

 

I then popped the question : "How do you cope with the lost of your father? And how did you find the strength to carry on?"

 

"I was at a lost, I was sad, I did not know what to do. But the moment I stepped into my house, I have bills to pay, 2 kids looking at me with diapers to change, and a whole set of things to do to build a family for my kids." He replied.

 

For my colleague, the way he dealt with the lost was to step into the role of becoming a father, a father just like his own now-deceased parent figure. He was sad, but he had to step up, and the rites of life of being a new Dad helped him to both serve as a distraction, to create space mentally, and also as a motivation and a way to honor the love that he received from his late Dad.

 

I went home solemn, and thought to myself....

 

How am I going  to find the strength to carry on??

I am not rich.

I don't have someone I love romantically.

I have nothing to my name, and I am not someone who is of great contribution to society.

I am gay, I am not going to start a conventional straight family unit. I don't have a blessing (in this case) to have fatherly duties to distract myself or have people who needed me or depended on me.

 

My experience in the Singapore gay community is plagued by cheating, politics, drama, sexual scandals, drug-use and its whole host of problems (I don't take drugs), people who objectify you and treat you like dirt and ghost you after they had their "prize". Coupled what I just described with the fact that I am largely introverted means that I don't have a big circle of gay friends who function as my support group. I do have one or two dear gay friends I can text and who would lend a listening year, but I lack the health support group and community which I find now to be incredibly invaluable.

 

When eventually, my mother dies, and recover from the whole process of the pain she had to go through... how am I going to find a reason to carry on?

So my question is, how do you find the strength to carry on?

 

Please share with me your life stories.

I thank you for reading this far and I thank you again in advance for the inspiration you may provide by sharing with me your life story

 

You proclaim as Buddhist, yet i do not see any Buddhist training. 

 

The basis of 3 poison （三毒） is 贪是贪爱五欲 （desire)，嗔是嗔恚无忍 (anger)，痴是愚痴无明(ignorance). First learn how Buddha taught us to counter the 3 poison and gain wisdom to see the truth of this life. My mom also had stage 3 breast cancer and i have also ease her mind with wisdom from Buddha to ensure even when she goes, she will go to the right path and need not suffer again. Knowing facts, put our mind at ease. Thats why some religion promoted heaven etc so ppl like u will feel happier knowing the one you love is at peace and you can continue with life.

 

But no matter what path you choose, without wisdom - you gain no insight, unable to see the truth, will only lead u to continuous suffering. If you continue to cling on the 3 poisons , then you will only suffer and nobody is able to help you. 

 

May you be well and happy.

[keyboard]

Being introvert also, isn't our strength comes from within. But should you need a charger or extra batt. there's always the forum here for support.

Would think you would have a harder time when the time comes to leave this country and start anew back home, but i seen "friends" who done that and survive nonetheless. Plus i do think there's more foreigners than locals actually here. Maybe i should be the one taking my own advice.

 

The phrase when you get older, you dont give as many fucks hold true. It's no longer about how much we earn, how many experiences we have, if we're a good person to old colleagues etc. YOU live your own life. We can only do what we can, even to our parents, to our siblings. There is really no need to overburden other people's problem even if you're capable to solve them. Even i tell my parent, don't do things for your kids because you think they will appreciate you, do it because you want to. That time during covid also was the case, if you feel you need to go hospital, just go and do the tests the doctor will advise you and will let you go home if there's nothing they can do, their fear, or "logical thinking" etc can immobilize you if you cannot stand your ground. Simply put, present the facts and let them decide if they want the consequences matter-of-factly.

 

I also told that if curses are really real, then the person will be so rich that would that person still need to work or that person will have brought the whole world already right. You tell me who is that person in this world. If people want to do bad things, they will still go ahead and do it one, if you don't care, how can it affect you. See ghost first time scared, see few more times ask it go away, where got time to entertain ghost every time it show up. No need to watch youtube meh.

 

Virtual hugs if you still need them. Or solar panels if you need to recharge your soul.

[joshTWjosh]

I promised my mom I wouldn’t die before her.

 

or another POV: nothing we do ultimately matters in the grand scheme of things, so enjoy the small moments and the present, and each other

[angel_dust]

My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer back in Jan 2018. After going through numerous treatments and spending a fortune on alternative medication, she finally succumbed 2 years and 8 months later. It was unbelievably draining physically and emotionally throughout. It didn't help that i was (and still) having depression even before the diagnosis. The next day though, i woke up to a cool misty morning with the melodies of a most calming and celestial song in my head :

 

 

 

I guess Mom wanted me to know that she's in a better place and no longer suffering.

 

Whichever path you choose in life, just make sure that it's one that you're happy with. That's what she wants.

[Guest Bro]

Bro, you have a lot of things going for you, you are just not seeing it at this moment. For one, your body damn hot (assuming the profile pic is real).

 

Back to serious topic, I also lost both parents relatively early. My siblings with kids seem to move on quickly and I can understand why. I was stuck in depression for a while. But then I realised all this sadness came from ego - I’m so victim, I’m so unfortunate etc. The mourning sadness had long gone away. This was self pity.

 

You are Buddhist. So I’d say go help out with temple volunteers etc. Seeing the plight of others will remind you how fortunate you still are. Helping them will give you the strength to go on.

[Guest itzyan]

some general advice on finding strength to carry on:

 

Focus on your goals: When you have a clear sense of what you want to achieve, it can give you the motivation and determination to keep going, even when things get tough.

 

Break things down: When faced with a big challenge, it can be overwhelming. By breaking things down into smaller, more manageable tasks, it can help you feel more in control and give you a sense of progress.

 

Lean on your support network: Don't be afraid to ask for help or support from friends, family, or professionals. Having someone to talk to can be a great source of comfort and strength.

 

Take care of yourself: Make sure you are getting enough rest, exercise, and proper nutrition. Self-care can help you stay resilient and strong during difficult times.

 

Find inspiration: Whether it's reading a motivational book, watching an uplifting movie, or listening to inspiring music, finding something that inspires you can give you a much-needed boost of energy and strength.

[Guest tyanyueh]

Losing a loved one can be one of the most difficult and painful experiences in life. Coping with the loss of a loved one is a process that can take time and requires support from others. Here are some strategies that may help you find the strength to carry on after losing a loved one:

 

Allow yourself to grieve: It's important to allow yourself to feel the emotions that come with the loss of a loved one. Give yourself permission to feel sad, angry, or any other emotions that may come up.

 

Seek support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for support. Talking about your feelings and sharing memories of your loved one can help you process your grief.

 

Take care of yourself: Grief can be physically and emotionally exhausting, so it's important to take care of yourself. This might involve eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, and practicing self-care activities like reading or taking a bath.

 

Connect with others who have experienced loss: Joining a support group or connecting with others who have experienced a similar loss can help you feel less alone in your grief.

 

Find ways to honor your loved one: This might involve creating a memorial, planting a tree, or participating in an activity your loved one enjoyed.

 

Allow yourself to move forward: It's important to remember that it's okay to move forward and find happiness after the loss of a loved one. This doesn't mean that you have forgotten them or don't miss them, but rather that you are able to find joy in life again.

 

Remember, everyone's grief journey is unique, and there is no "right" way to grieve. It's important to be patient with yourself and to give yourself time to heal.

[Guest Yuquidam]

Dear Fenghou and LeL9, 

Yes, grieving is a process and it takes time for the pain to be somewhat diminished but could never be totally eradicated. 

 

Pain and tears will burst suddenly and unexpectedly when we deeply pined for our loved one who had gone before us.

 

But we must remember to honour our loved one by living well despite the pain. Be patient and the pain will diminsh over time, be assured. 

 

Diminished pain doesn't mean we no longer miss our dear one but that we will slowly pick ourself up to remember our loved one with joy amidst the tears, and not with despair. 

 

I wish both of you a meaningful journey in your grieving so that you could be stronger, live a even fuller life, help those who are in pain, and appreciate life and those around you more. 

 

May you encounter angels too who would come alongside to help you with your grieving.

 

My heart goes out to you and is with you.

 

 

[Guest Yuquidam]

On 3/5/2023 at 1:11 PM, fenghou said:

Long read, please ignore this post if it does not resonate with you.

 

Hello all,

 

I am 32 years old this year. My life is not the worst, and compared to many people in society, I may be considered lucky despite earning below median income. I am a Buddhist and for all my life, I have always know and accepted that death is an inevitability of life. Death of your loved ones (parents namely) and also myself ultimately. However, what I was unprepared for is the process of dying, the slow and many times painful process of death...

 

Recently, my beloved mother was diagnosed with Stage 3-4 cancer. She is nearly 70 years old. She had previously been through two major operations in her life, and before her recent diagnosis, I have always kept her in prayer and prayed for her good health. While I know death is an inevitability of life, what I prayed for was her to reach this stage only in her 80s. By then, I planned, I would have had amble time to earn a good living, provided for her like any filial son should and I want to, and also to make more memories with her.

 

She was warded in December. I visited her everyday for a month. During the process of the diagnosis, it was very confusing, scary and frustrating at times. But thankfully, she met the right doctor who correctly diagnosed her cancer instead of sending her repeatedly towards needless tests that did nothing for her.

 

When the doctor broke to my family that she had cancer, my heart sank, but in front of her, I held back tears and pushed on. She eventually accepted chemotherapy as recommended by the doctors and I was relieved that she choose to receive treatment. A week before her first chemotherapy, she caught a fever, the doctors then gave her an IV drip of antibiotics. When I was in the ward with her, I remember vividly that she felt cold (despite us being in a Class C ward with no air conditioning), and that during one of the fever episodes, she felt extreme coldness and started to shiver violently. She shivered violently, the whole bed was vibrating and everyone in the ward looked at us. In her helplessness, started calling out the names of her long deceased parents, crying for help. This shook me to the very core of my being, I want to cry but doing so and knowing her, my mother will blame herself for causing "trouble" for us and I so held back tears. I felt so utterly powerless. There was nothing, nothing I could do to make her feel better. I felt as if I was a waste of a man, a failure as a son. I am not rich, I am not successful, I have not found love or a life partner to journey with me and the only sense of self-worth I had for myself is to be a good son. But even for this one thing, I was proven to be absolutely helpless.

 

Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. 

 

2 Months went by and I thank the heavens that she responded very well to chemotherapy. Doctors then had a consultation with her again to talk about surgery in great detail, the scope and the objective. The surgery was explained to both my mother and my family at the same time. She started to cry halfway through the explanation and once again I was at a lost. Seeing someone you love dearly almost in her 70s devastated is not an easy thing to accept. After all, how many people can accept it if you tell them that they will be cut up, have at least 3 major organs removed or altered, be on life-support/breathing tubes and ICU for a week minimally, and be attached to an ostomy bag. Even for me who is relatively young in his 30s, if you tell me I need to go through that, I will be at a loss too.

 

I returned to work the next day, asking my colleagues and friends, how do they cope with the lost of their loved ones. Incidentally, my counterpart at work lost his father just about a year ago. He recounted every detail of how he lost his father, at what time he received the phone call, the look on her father's eyes when he visited, and how sad he felt.

 

I then popped the question : "How do you cope with the lost of your father? And how did you find the strength to carry on?"

 

"I was at a lost, I was sad, I did not know what to do. But the moment I stepped into my house, I have bills to pay, 2 kids looking at me with diapers to change, and a whole set of things to do to build a family for my kids." He replied.

 

For my colleague, the way he dealt with the lost was to step into the role of becoming a father, a father just like his own now-deceased parent figure. He was sad, but he had to step up, and the rites of life of being a new Dad helped him to both serve as a distraction, to create space mentally, and also as a motivation and a way to honor the love that he received from his late Dad.

 

I went home solemn, and thought to myself....

 

How am I going  to find the strength to carry on??

I am not rich.

I don't have someone I love romantically.

I have nothing to my name, and I am not someone who is of great contribution to society.

I am gay, I am not going to start a conventional straight family unit. I don't have a blessing (in this case) to have fatherly duties to distract myself or have people who needed me or depended on me.

 

My experience in the Singapore gay community is plagued by cheating, politics, drama, sexual scandals, drug-use and its whole host of problems (I don't take drugs), people who objectify you and treat you like dirt and ghost you after they had their "prize". Coupled what I just described with the fact that I am largely introverted means that I don't have a big circle of gay friends who function as my support group. I do have one or two dear gay friends I can text and who would lend a listening year, but I lack the health support group and community which I find now to be incredibly invaluable.

 

When eventually, my mother dies, and recover from the whole process of the pain she had to go through... how am I going to find a reason to carry on?

So my question is, how do you find the strength to carry on?

 

Please share with me your life stories.

I thank you for reading this far and I thank you again in advance for the inspiration you may provide by sharing with me your life story

Dear Fenghou, you're a good and filial son. It's your heart that's what would comfort your late mum in heaven.

 

Your success or being somebody is not what a mum FIRST looked for.

 

In my family there are many successful members but none of them endeared themselves to my late mum.

 

You are SOMEBODY ! - a son who loves, who cares, who gives all that you've got ! 

 

I am very sure your mum is looking upon you from heaven and say,

 

"Dear son, I know you love mum very much. Though I wish I could be with you longer but, hey, I am in a better place with no sickness. And we will meet again when you have lived a fruitful and purposeful life.

 

You miss me, I know, but you must not grieve in despair but remind yourself that mum is well now. Remember me with joy, not sorrow, son. I will always love you and be with you."

[Darius]

fenghao,

 

I totally understand how you feel.  My mother passed on from cancer last month.  She's my whole world and I was the primary caregiver the last few years when she was ill.  In a sense, I define my "purpose" in the world was to be her primary caregiver, it gives me meaning and I do this role dutifully.  Now that she is gone, I question my own purpose.  I am an introvert, deeply closeted and do not have many close friends.  I feel alone and hopefully with time, I will find the strength to carry on and move on.

[auscent]

 

fenghao,

 

I totally understand how you feel.  My mother passed on from cancer last month.  She's my whole world and I was the primary caregiver the last few years when she was ill.  In a sense, I define my "purpose" in the world was to be her primary caregiver, it gives me meaning and I do this role dutifully.  Now that she is gone, I question my own purpose.  I am an introvert, deeply closeted and do not have many close friends.  I feel alone and hopefully with time, I will find the strength to carry on and move on.

Bro, it is ok. Circumstances led u to correlate ur identity/ purpose with ur care giving duties. Humans can have multiple identities.

Slowly, work towards other identities (eg: work, hobbies, community) to find more joy.

[amuse.ed]

IN FOCUS: Facing death - the changing attitudes to funerals and wakes
More people in Singapore are now open to the discussion of their own death, helped along by the evolving image of funerals. 

 

Koh Wan Ting
19 Aug 2023 06:00AM
(Updated: 19 Aug 2023 10:41AM)

 

The conversation about death is slowly opening up, but a national approach on dealing with grief may still be needed
With more requesting personalised wakes, funerals are increasingly being seen as a celebration of life
More people are planning their own funerals, seeing it as a way to relieve a burden from loved ones and a means to take back some control

 

SINGAPORE: He is 37 and not ill, but Mr Calvin Pang already has plans in place for a funeral that might not happen for decades to come. 

The art therapist at a local hospice wants to have a wake lasting one or two days before having his remains cremated and his ashes scattered in the sea. 

 

"I wanted something very simple. I wanted something that is true to how I always see life as impermanent, and I don’t want it to be a thing that will be memorialised in one way or another. It's just a passing through," Mr Pang told CNA while contemplating a subject many people shun: One’s own death. 

Those in the business of death, however, said that the conversation in this space has been gradually opening up, prompted in part by the COVID-19 pandemic which has brought the subject closer to home.

 

Singapore has also moved closer to the topic through initiatives such as the 2023 National Strategy for Palliative Care which outlines recommendations to beef up palliative care, and launching online portals such as My Legacy, where a person can store and share end-of-life plans and access related services. 

Still, there is scope for even more conversations about what happens in the lead-up to a loved one's final moments and after their death, one expert noted. 

With an ageing population, annual deaths here are expected to rise from around 24,000 in 2021 to 40,000 in 2040, and infrastructure needs to be in place to support the bereaved, said Nanyang Technological University’s (NTU) Associate Professor of Psychology and Medicine Andy Ho. 

One crucial component in that infrastructure is the funeral director, who becomes the main point of contact after a loved one dies.

 

Undertakers that CNA spoke to believe that attitudes towards death and dying have been changing, with people increasingly receptive to funerals that celebrate the life of the departed, thus elevating the image of wakes from what may be seen by some as grim affairs in their traditional form. 

Alongside that, funeral companies have observed a growing number of people planning their funerals ahead of their demise, with even healthy individuals like Mr Pang facing the issue of their own death unflinchingly. 

 

GENERATIONAL SHIFT IN ATTITUDES TOWARDS DEATH
With more than two decades of experience in the field, funeral director Ang Ziqian has seen how attitudes towards death have changed with the times. 

"When I was young, pre-planning was quite common in my grandfather's time," said the managing director of Ang Chin Moh Funeral Directors.

Hailing from a line of funeral parlour predecessors, Mr Ang is the fourth generation of his family to work in this field.

 

According to Mr Ang, migrant workers that first came to Singapore would often buy a casket so that they could be repatriated to their homeland after death. 

"When Singapore started to prosper and people had money, (people) became scared to die. This is one of the reasons why they don't talk about death and dying," Mr Ang said.

 

Where cemeteries were commonly found in the past, modernisation and urban planning began pushing cemeteries to rural areas such as Lim Chu Kang and Mandai, separating death from the living, he added. 

 

"There's an artificial divide, so people won't talk about it because it's not in your face."

NTU’s Dr Ho, who runs an undergraduate psychology module called The Last Dance: Psycho-Socio-Cultural Perspectives on Death, Dying and Bereavement to educate students about the topic, described the attitudes towards death here as a “paradox”. 

 

“On the one hand, we're very afraid of death. So when someone starts talking about death, we say ‘choi’ (a Cantonese word to ward off bad luck), they don't want to talk about this. When they see a hearse coming, they walk in the other direction.” 

People are afraid of death because they think of it as “bad luck” and believe that someone who is recently bereaved will “pollute” with their aura, he said. 

“On the other hand, we're also death worshipping – we have the Qing Ming festival, we have the ghost festival. And when these things occur, we celebrate death,” the associate professor noted. 

 

These attitudes hark back to religious and philosophical teachings about karma and reincarnation, which tell of how your actions affect your afterlife. 

 

In traditional Chinese practices, funeral rites are not only ways to respect the dead, but are seen as social acts where a deceased person’s power and status are symbolically transferred to his descendants, said Dr Ho. 

That said, the younger generations are not as bound by traditional thinking and are more pragmatic about how much they spend on funerals while still remaining respectful to some traditional thoughts, he noted. 

Discussion and public education about the importance of talking about death is on the rise, a move also driven by the government’s effort to make pre-planning for old age more accessible.

 

“I think we're slowly progressing towards a country that is more death accepting and more ready to talk about it,” observed Dr Ho. 

“But it still has not affected the masses of population. But we're getting there. So I think the culture has changed, is changing slowly, but in a positive way.”

The Association of Funeral Directors (Singapore), which has more than 30 members, said it has seen a “ societal push for elderhood planning” through documents such as the Lasting Power of Attorney, advance medical directives and will writing. 

 

“The eventual and definite planning of the funeral is a natural progression. Elders who are more aware of such tools available are comfortable to broach the topic of death as they see it as being responsible for their own final farewell and not leaving the surviving families to second guess their wishes,” said the association's executive director Hoo Hung Chye, who is also the founder of Singapore Funeral Services. 

 

REVAMPING THE IMAGE OF FUNERALS
Speaking in his capacity as Singapore Funeral Services founder and funeral director, Mr Hoo, who's been part of the industry since 2000, said funeral businesses have come a long way. 

“Back then you still had undertakers in shorts and slippers ... (now) I hardly see any of those. So we’ve managed to raise the standards of funeral services to what you see today, the modernisation of the services provided.” 

Apart from service standards, undertakers have also seen preferences shift from cookie-cutter funerals towards personalised choices. 

Mr Jacky Tan, funeral director and operations manager of Serenity Casket & Funerals, which handles wakes for Christians and freethinkers, summed it up: “The younger generation is embracing funerals as a celebration of life rather than ceremonies centred around death. They are gravitating towards more contemporary and straightforward funeral arrangements.” 

 

For example, at Taoist funerals, family members used to wear traditional funeral garb made of jute – a material similar to a sack – and pin a small piece of coloured cloth to their sleeves to signify mourning. Now, mourners prefer to wear a simple white top with a black bottom. 

Aside from industry veterans like Mr Hoo and Mr Ang, a number of newer companies are breathing a new lease of life into what is traditionally seen as something of a taboo subject. 

 

Funeral director Angjolie Mei founded her company The Life Celebrant in 2010 with the objective of celebrating the deceased’s life during the wake. Before that, she helped run her father’s business, Ang Yew Seng Funeral Parlour, in 2004 after his death.

“I remember when I first started the concept of funeral celebrant in 2010. It was something that people were not used to, but they appreciate it because I talked about the person's life story,” Ms Angjolie said. 

 

“They realised it was actually more meaningful. But back then in 2010, people were still trying to accept this idea.”

She has helped a six-year-old girl who had a brain tumour arrange a "princess party" funeral where the child decided the decor, colours and her final outfit. Another cancer-stricken client recorded a song and messages with her music therapist, which were eventually played at her wake and lightened the sombre mood.

 

Seven years after the birth of The Life Celebrant, Ms Angjolie continued pushing the boundaries by having family members participate in a process called Showers of Love, where they wash, dress and help to put makeup on the deceased in a final farewell.

The concept was to have the family show their gratitude and give thanks in carrying out a final act of service, Ms Angjolie said. 

The idea was inspired by the 2008 movie Departures, which captured how a Japanese mortician prepared the deceased’s body in front of loved ones. 

“When I first started, people thought I was crazy,” she recalled. However, the process helped dispel notions of death as a fearful event, and clients found it therapeutic.

Founder of Passion Bereavement Care Deborah Kang entered the industry in 2019 with a mind to provide funerals that were uplifting rather than gloomy. 

Passion Bereavement Care only handles funerals for Christians and freethinkers. Religion has guided Ms Kang’s outlook on death and her approach to funerals.  

After a few setups that followed the more traditional style, Ms Kang decided to elevate the concept by incorporating the use of colour and different textures, and took reference from the Bible. 

 

"As Christians, we are also considered as bride of Christ, so this is also a celebration and banquet for our Christ and our loved ones ... so our wakes always look peaceful, heartwarming, glorious and honorable.

 

"To us, death is not a horrifying thing ... we are going back to the home that God has created for us. It’s a glorified moment," she said, showing photos of how the current wakes she arranges reflect that. 

 

Celebrating a deceased’s life achievement is a great way to “reframe death”, said Dr Ho. 

“When someone passes on it is solemn, it's a sad situation, but we can also think of it as a life graduation.

Being able to celebrate the achievements and wisdom of the departed helps the living learn and embody the values in their own life experiences, he said. “In fact, that's probably one of the more important ways for us to transform grief into something that helps us live life better.”

 

MORE PEOPLE PRE-PLANNING FUNERALS 
The industry has seen a rise in the number of people planning funerals ahead of time, from those who are terminally ill to hale and hearty individuals as young as 35.  

“In the 1990s or 2000s, people call funeral companies when death has occurred. That is my father's time,” said Ang Chin Moh Funeral Directors’ Mr Ang. “Today, people have more pre-arrangements, and this comes in when the doctor tells the family or when the patients go to the palliative stage and are given a timeline.”

Ang Chin Moh Funeral Directors receives requests for pre-planned funerals nearly every other day, he said. Of these, 80 per cent are critically ill while the remaining are healthy. 

 

Similarly, Singapore Funeral Services, which rarely had requests for pre-planning a decade ago, now sees between 10 and 20 interested clients in a month. 

The Life Celebrant’s Ms Angjolie saw her first pre-planning client in 2013, one of a few that year. 

 

Numbers have now tripled in part due to The Life Legacy, a professional estate planning arm under The Life Celebrant which Ms Angjolie started in 2016. As part of the service, The Life Legacy helps customers draw up legal documents such as wills and includes funeral pre-planning as part of the package. 

Direct Funeral Services said it has been receiving more enquiries about funeral pre-planning since the pandemic, with a bulk of clients having critically ill loved ones, and a small percentage who are 60 and above but in relatively good health. 

 

Managing director Jenny Tay said: “Pre-planning your own funeral can be as simple as discussing your preference of the funeral ceremony with your family members. You can start by thinking of the photo portrait to use, the clothes you want to be dressed in, the kind of music or floral arrangement you like.

“With a general idea in mind, you can then do some research on funeral companies that best meet your needs, preferences, and importantly, budget. Don’t be quick to choose a funeral company. Instead, do take the time to go meet with the representatives from your shortlisted companies.”

 

“IT’S MY LAST GIFT TO THEM”
His mother’s death from cancer in 2014 prompted Mr Pang to enter the field of palliative care, but his father’s sudden death from a cardiac arrest four years later made him realise the importance of planning for the unexpected. 

 

“My sister and I, we became the recipients of the fruits of his planning,” Mr Pang said, explaining how his father had settled his insurance and CPF nominations beforehand. 

“That kind of prompted me to think about my own life and then when I have my own family, what can I do for them?”

 

While not yet married, Mr Pang plans to settle down with his girlfriend and her child from a previous marriage – which was one of his main considerations in planning ahead.

“Essentially when we tie the knot, I will become a stepdad almost immediately.”

 

Apart from planning his funeral, Mr Pang has also drawn up his will, an advance care plan, advance medical directive and his Lasting Power of Attorney with The Life Celebrant. 

 

Facing death in his workplace was another push factor. 

 

“I have also witnessed a bulk of younger patients being admitted here. So I think that also prompted me to think about how one day I might be in the horizontal position, somebody might be in a vertical position putting me on the bed. 

 

“So there will be a switch. I no longer will be the clinician. I could be the patient at any point in time.”

 

If that does happen, Mr Pang wants to take the responsibility of planning his funeral off his family. 

 

“Do I really want my family members to worry about things or at that point in time when death happens, I just want them to feel that I love them, and they don't need to worry about making decisions?

 

“It's essentially the last present I can give them. The last gift, in a way. Maybe it's the perspective of how men are breadwinners and then men will want to provide for the family, but how do you continue providing for your family when you're no longer around?”

 

AVOIDING CONFLICT AND SECOND GUESSING, MAINTAINING CONTROL
Clients have told undertakers that planning their own funerals helps avoid conflict or second guessing among surviving family members. 

For Mr Ang’s client, a 90-year-old woman he identified as Ah Ma, it was her way of taking control and maintaining her dignity. As a daughter-in-law in a traditional Chinese family, Ah Ma did not have much say in the household. 

“Right now, she has the freedom, she wants to choose something that belongs to her, something that she can control … it gives her control and self esteem at the final stage," Mr Ang stated. 

Alighting on the same point, Dr Ho said: “This is important because oftentimes when patients are facing end-of-life, they have complete loss of control. They become totally dependent on other people to button their shirt, feed them, go to the bathroom with them. And that's not very dignifying. 

“But if I can have some control, if I can make some decision, if I can plan something, those actions actually help people feel a lot more dignified. It enhances the quality of life and it helps them to even uphold hope in the face of death.”

 

Undertakers also said the decision process helped families accept death and consequently to gain closure after the demise of a loved one. 

Passion Bereavement Care’s Ms Kang said that pre-planning can help a family “walk out of grief more easily”, as the funeral would have fulfilled the deceased’s last wishes. 

"Pre-planning gives me more space to understand the client's needs," said Ms Kang, as clients are not in a rush to make decisions in a moment of grief.

 

WHAT POST-DEATH MAY LOOK LIKE IN THE FUTURE
With the number of deaths projected to increase, Dr Ho thinks that more regulation and a national agenda and policy on grief and bereavement will be needed. 

While initiatives that lead pre-planning efforts are great, these focus on pre-loss, said Dr Ho. 

 

“What about people who passed on? What about the bereaved family? If you think about dying or mortality as such a big issue, there's about 20,000 to 23,000 people who die in Singapore every single year, right? That's a substantial number.

 

“Let's say, if one person died, that affects at least six people – six people per family – then the number of people that is affected by grief every single year is six times that, that's about 120,000 to 130,000 people affected by grief every single year, right? 

 

“So that's a huge amount of people, but there's no national policy on grief and bereavement," said Dr Ho, adding that a national policy could look at regulating the funeral industry to play a key role in supporting the bereaved. 

 

To meet the rise in deaths that comes with an ageing society, Singapore has been ramping up after-death facilities. In recent years, it opened an inland ash scattering garden at Choa Chu Kang Cemetery Complex as an alternative to sea burials and niches in a crematorium, and the first of four planned funeral parlour complexes, Woodlands Memorial, opened its doors in March this year.

 

The nine-storey building houses funeral halls and columbaria among peaceful and breezy sky gardens on every floor – another counterpoint to the dreary notion of death.  

 

Its CEO Jason Poh told CNA that he sees a movement towards centralised locations, such as funeral parlours, for after-death services. Those at a loss about what to do after the passing of a loved one appreciate not having to visit different places for different services, Mr Poh observed. 

 

With infrastructure sprouting in place, what’s left is for people to actually talk about death and dying – a topic that Mr Pang has no qualms discussing.

“I think people need to start talking about or thinking about it, because I think it helps us live better,” he said. 

“At some point, we will die. And I think it's not about avoiding a topic but how can we talk about it? Sometimes it's very simple things like seeing a leaf fall from a tree, but I think Singapore is very effective because we have people in the community that will clean up your estates.

“So sometimes we don't get reminded that death occurs all around us. When you travel to other countries, you may see carcasses of animals, like birds, or maybe some road kills. Then it will really remind you that mortality actually is around us. But over here we don't even get reminded that the leaf will fall because it gets swept out.”

 

For online article, please refer to this LINK.

[amuse.ed]

Firsthand from Redhill: S'porean, 58, arranges free funerals for elderly who die alone When you confront death every day for almost 40 years, maybe you can be as chill as this guy.

 

For online article, please click on LINK above

 

Ryan Yeo |  August 05, 2023, 03:40 PM 

 

A small group gathered in front of the coffin, looking down in silence. I stood a little further back in the funeral service hall, observing the last rites.

Two of the dead man's colleagues held joss sticks in their hands, while a monk chanted some prayers.Together with them to assist with the last rites was Tommy Yu, who was not related to the deceased. He bowed his head anyway, holding both hands in front of his chest.The back view of a monk dressed in brown robes, two people dressed in blue and white shirts, and Yu dressed in a black shirt. They stand at the front of a funeral hall.The funeral hall is big, with rows and rows of empty seats surrounding me. The group, clustered to the front, looks incredibly small.

 

"This is already more than the usual crowd," Yu would later tell me, speaking in Mandarin.

"Usually, it's just me and the monk," he said, matter-of-factly.

For this particular funeral, Yu, along with some social workers, attempted to contact the dead man's sister about his death.

 

But his sister had refused to be recognised as the man's next-of-kin.There was no one left in his family to arrange or attend the funeral. So, Yu took it upon himself to arrange the last rites for him.Yu, 58, is no stranger to cases like these. Many old folks have no next-of-kin to help them with their last rites after they die, he said.

Since 1986, he has helped arrange pro bono funerals for needy and estranged elderly folks.Yu is also the director of Seng Xiang Services, a commercial funeral service that he started in 1990.

 

A decades-old friendship
According to Yu, there are more estranged elderly folks than you'd think."Some of them made mistakes when they were younger, and their families no longer want to be associated with them," Yu explained. "Their children have lost contact with them, and they've been divorced for decades."When someone loses touch with their family members, the family sometimes doesn't return to take responsibility of the funerals and hospital fees, Yu told me."If you only interact with your social circle, and if you eat well and live well, you might not feel that these people exist," Yu continued. "But I've spoken to many of them."Yu is dressed in a blue-and-white striped shirt. He sits at a table and smiles at the camera. Behind him, there is a shelf and cupboard full of awards, bottles, and other items.

In his youth, Yu was not formally enrolled in school. He spent most of his days loitering at the HDB blocks in Redhill.When he was 15, he was drawn to the sound of a nearby getai singing event in the void deck.That was his first encounter with an elderly activity centre. A member of the centre invited him in, and began chatting with him.

But it wouldn't be long before they were interrupted."They hadn't even finished talking, when someone came to disturb us," Yu recalled. "He stood at the door, knocked very loudly, and asked the old folks to come out one by one. In other words, he was looking for a fight."He recalled fondly:"The old folks were silent, because he was very fierce.

So I stood up and told him that if he wanted to fight, he should fight me first!"

 

Fortunately, Yu managed to defend the old folks and chase the hooligan away. That was the start of his friendship with the old folks at the activity centre."If I didn't go to the centre, I would just be loitering at the coffee shop or the market anyway, looking for trouble," Yu said with a smile. "So, I might as well sit at the elderly activity centre. I can protect these old folks while I'm at it."As time passed, Yu became more and more involved with the lives of the elderly at the centre.Many of these elderly were also Samsui women — first-generation Chinese immigrants who worked construction or industrial jobs in Singapore. They often didn't have any next-of-kin living with them.He eventually started to help with resolving disputes, or taking care of them when they suffered falls in their homes.

 

Eventually, when these old folks began to pass on, the next logical step was for him to arrange their last rites as well.

Yu, dressed in a black shirt, prepares for the last rites of an estranged, dead person. There are unlit candles and mandarins placed on the table in front of him.Yu prepares for the last rites of an estranged dead person.

A humble office
With his wealth of experience interacting with old folks, Yu founded a volunteer organisation that visits and organises activities for socially isolated and needy elderly residents in the Bukit Merah, Redhill, and Bukit Ho Swee areas, along with organising pro bono funerals.The organisation, Love and Unity Volunteers Establishment (Luve), is headquartered in a small room tucked away in an industrial estate in Woodlands.

The door that leads to Luve's office.When I paid Yu a visit in the office, there were several packets of rice stacked on the tables, leftovers from a donation drive they recently held.The room felt rather old and cosy, with a yellow tint to the lighting."Everything you see around you is donated," Yu told me. "We didn't buy a single thing, except the photo frames on the walls. Even the light bulbs were donated—that's why the room looks a bit yellow."

 

"We don't need a beautiful office. For us, the most important thing is to have a space to store rice, canned food, and other things that people donate [to the elderly]."

The photo frames in Yu's office feature old photographs and newspaper clippings from Luve's previous events.

For Yu, an office of this size was already a big upgrade. In the early days of Luve, Yu would store items in his home, which barely had enough space to hold everything.

Luve continues to operate on a small scale today with a team of 30 volunteers, a number that has remained throughout almost four decades of operation.The reason for a small team, Yu explained, is to save costs on basic forms of volunteer compensation, such as packet food during elderly activity events.Furthermore, he said, many volunteers choose not to stay for the long term. Several generations of volunteers have already come and gone at Luve.Since its inception, Luve relies almost entirely on donations from the public. They do not receive any additional funding from other sources, as Yu prefers that Luve remains an independent charity.After Yu founded Seng Xiang Services in 1990, some proceeds from his commercial funeral service went into financing Luve's operations as well."At other organisations, you might be able to claim money from the government," he said. "You might expect an annual dinner and dance, or awards ceremony, or a hotel stay."

 

"But to date, our volunteers don't get any additional benefits—not even a single piece of toilet paper," he said. "So if you are doing volunteer work for the benefits or the recognition, then you shouldn't join our organisation.""I'm not asking for any kind of returns from the dead people, or to win the lottery," he continued. "All I ask is that I stay healthy, so I can keep helping other people."It started to strike me how selfless the entire endeavour was: Yu was managing a small organisation, running on whatever donations they could to get by, and without any expectation of reward.Furthermore, with most other volunteer activities, you often also get the benefit of a "thank you" from the beneficiaries.But as Yu pointed out to me, dead people have no way of saying that to you.

 

Always on standby
Yu often meets with estranged elderly through hospitals and old folks' homes.He is also in contact with social workers, who would inform him whenever an estranged elderly person passes away.When that happens, Yu often has to respond at short notice to arrange the funeral and cremation."We are on standby for 24 hours," Yu said. "People don't follow a schedule when they die. It could be in the middle of the night, at 5am, or at 10pm."One important step in this process is to confirm that the dead elderly does, indeed, have no more next-of-kin who are willing to claim the body."We need to avoid a situation where we do a cremation, and then a few months later, someone comes around and says we cremated their husband!" he said.Yu walks up the stairs of the funeral hall.

It sounds far-fetched, but he's had several close shaves before."There was someone who accused us of cremating their sister without their consent," he recounted.

"Fortunately, I got out the old documents. The social worker called them, and they were drinking beer in a coffeeshop. They said not to disturb them and hung up!

The social worker was stunned. Their sister had passed away, and they didn't care.They only started to care now, because they wanted to claim their sister's CPF!"

Fortunately, the social worker's old reports laid out the facts very clearly, and Yu was able to resolve the dispute without implicating Luve.

"There was also this time when someone accused us of cremating their mother," Yu said. "I told them: your mother had died for three months, and you only realise she's dead now? What am I supposed to say to this person?"

 

Not wealthy, but rich
After the documentation process is done by the social worker, Yu will usually arrange for the cremation on the same day, followed by a sea burial later on.

But running a funeral is not cheap. Yu estimates that arranging each funeral costs at least S$1,300.For a small, independent volunteer organisation, I wondered if Yu ever faced any financial difficulties in all his decades.But Yu seems unfazed by the prospect of financial difficulties.

"Our organisation doesn't lack money," he said.He continued: "But that doesn't mean we are wealthy!When we are most in need of money, someone will come in and donate. Then we will use the money, and when we are in need again, someone else comes in with a donation.So our accounts will go up and down like that. It's not that we have hundreds of thousands of dollars, but I am able to peacefully carry out my work."Financial difficulties used to cause him stress. But a chance event in 2004 gave Yu a lasting confidence in his organisation's ability to tide through the worst.That year, Luve was in debt of some S$7,200.

 

With donations running dry, Yu thought it was time to close down the organisation once and for all. He even told his colleagues that they would no longer be arranging any funerals until the debt was settled.It seemed that Luve had hit the end of the road.But that very afternoon, Yu received a call from a social worker, who gave him an update about a deceased elderly person whom Yu helped the year before.Yu recounted:"It had been over a year, and the social worker still couldn't find any next-of-kin for this person.In their will, the person wrote that if their next-of-kin couldn't be found, the inheritance should be passed on to the social service agency that helped them.

The social worker said it was Luve who helped with all the last rites. So, the money should rightfully go to Luve."To his surprise and relief, Luve received a donation of S$10,500 from this person's will. That amount helped Luve to tide through this period, and it still continues to thrive today.

That was how Yu learned to be at peace with Luve's financial situation."This is what I believe," he said in Mandarin. "人在做, 天在看."In other words: no matter what actions we take, the heavens are looking upon us.

 

Life after Luve
For many people, death can be a touchy topic.But with decades of arranging funerals under his belt, Yu no longer feels daunted or afraid when he performs last rites for someone else.As for his own death, he had already discussed the arrangements for his own funerals with his children.

"I told my children that when they visit me at the columbarium, they don't have to bring any incense," he said with a wide smile. "They just need to bring a cappuccino!"

"Just knock three times, and wave the coffee in front [of my ashes], in case I'm sleeping. I want to know when you come visit me."

On that note, I wondered if he had already made arrangements for Luve's continuity after he was no longer around. After all, it was an organisation he'd built from scratch for almost 40 years.I was surprised by his straightforward response:

"I already told my wife what to do. Make sure the office is clean and empty, and then return it to the landlord. Make sure Luve isn't in any debt, and donate whatever money is remaining.Once everything is settled, close the organisation."Yu said this softly and slowly. It seemed to me that he had already made peace with Luve's dissolution.

"We don't get much out of doing the work we do," he said. "Who would want to spend their time doing this work?"

"It's not that I don't want it to continue. If any of my volunteers wants to carry on the organisation, the door is open," he said.

 

At peace with death
At first, I was surprised at Yu's casual attitude.I mean, I would probably be more apprehensive if I was thinking about my own death, or the demise of my life's work.

But now that I think about it, when you work with dead people and confront death so much, maybe you eventually learn to be at peace with your own death.

Yu certainly seems rather unfazed.For now, Yu's mission is to continue ensuring that every elderly person feels at ease with death, even if they have no family to ensure their smooth passage.With so many worries that already arise from growing old alone, Yu is determined to reassure them that if no one is there to arrange their funeral, he will. And it almost seems appropriate that, after almost four decades of arranging funerals, Yu has planned one final set of last rites: a peaceful goodbye to the organisation that started it all.

 

 

[iKneadyou]

On 3/5/2023 at 1:11 PM, fenghou said:

Long read, please ignore this post if it does not resonate with you.

 

Hello all,

 

I am 32 years old this year. My life is not the worst, and compared to many people in society, I may be considered lucky despite earning below median income. I am a Buddhist and for all my life, I have always know and accepted that death is an inevitability of life. Death of your loved ones (parents namely) and also myself ultimately. However, what I was unprepared for is the process of dying, the slow and many times painful process of death...

 

Recently, my beloved mother was diagnosed with Stage 3-4 cancer. She is nearly 70 years old. She had previously been through two major operations in her life, and before her recent diagnosis, I have always kept her in prayer and prayed for her good health. While I know death is an inevitability of life, what I prayed for was her to reach this stage only in her 80s. By then, I planned, I would have had amble time to earn a good living, provided for her like any filial son should and I want to, and also to make more memories with her.

 

She was warded in December. I visited her everyday for a month. During the process of the diagnosis, it was very confusing, scary and frustrating at times. But thankfully, she met the right doctor who correctly diagnosed her cancer instead of sending her repeatedly towards needless tests that did nothing for her.

 

When the doctor broke to my family that she had cancer, my heart sank, but in front of her, I held back tears and pushed on. She eventually accepted chemotherapy as recommended by the doctors and I was relieved that she choose to receive treatment. A week before her first chemotherapy, she caught a fever, the doctors then gave her an IV drip of antibiotics. When I was in the ward with her, I remember vividly that she felt cold (despite us being in a Class C ward with no air conditioning), and that during one of the fever episodes, she felt extreme coldness and started to shiver violently. She shivered violently, the whole bed was vibrating and everyone in the ward looked at us. In her helplessness, started calling out the names of her long deceased parents, crying for help. This shook me to the very core of my being, I want to cry but doing so and knowing her, my mother will blame herself for causing "trouble" for us and I so held back tears. I felt so utterly powerless. There was nothing, nothing I could do to make her feel better. I felt as if I was a waste of a man, a failure as a son. I am not rich, I am not successful, I have not found love or a life partner to journey with me and the only sense of self-worth I had for myself is to be a good son. But even for this one thing, I was proven to be absolutely helpless.

 

Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. 

 

2 Months went by and I thank the heavens that she responded very well to chemotherapy. Doctors then had a consultation with her again to talk about surgery in great detail, the scope and the objective. The surgery was explained to both my mother and my family at the same time. She started to cry halfway through the explanation and once again I was at a lost. Seeing someone you love dearly almost in her 70s devastated is not an easy thing to accept. After all, how many people can accept it if you tell them that they will be cut up, have at least 3 major organs removed or altered, be on life-support/breathing tubes and ICU for a week minimally, and be attached to an ostomy bag. Even for me who is relatively young in his 30s, if you tell me I need to go through that, I will be at a loss too.

 

I returned to work the next day, asking my colleagues and friends, how do they cope with the lost of their loved ones. Incidentally, my counterpart at work lost his father just about a year ago. He recounted every detail of how he lost his father, at what time he received the phone call, the look on her father's eyes when he visited, and how sad he felt.

 

I then popped the question : "How do you cope with the lost of your father? And how did you find the strength to carry on?"

 

"I was at a lost, I was sad, I did not know what to do. But the moment I stepped into my house, I have bills to pay, 2 kids looking at me with diapers to change, and a whole set of things to do to build a family for my kids." He replied.

 

For my colleague, the way he dealt with the lost was to step into the role of becoming a father, a father just like his own now-deceased parent figure. He was sad, but he had to step up, and the rites of life of being a new Dad helped him to both serve as a distraction, to create space mentally, and also as a motivation and a way to honor the love that he received from his late Dad.

 

I went home solemn, and thought to myself....

 

How am I going  to find the strength to carry on??

I am not rich.

I don't have someone I love romantically.

I have nothing to my name, and I am not someone who is of great contribution to society.

I am gay, I am not going to start a conventional straight family unit. I don't have a blessing (in this case) to have fatherly duties to distract myself or have people who needed me or depended on me.

 

My experience in the Singapore gay community is plagued by cheating, politics, drama, sexual scandals, drug-use and its whole host of problems (I don't take drugs), people who objectify you and treat you like dirt and ghost you after they had their "prize". Coupled what I just described with the fact that I am largely introverted means that I don't have a big circle of gay friends who function as my support group. I do have one or two dear gay friends I can text and who would lend a listening year, but I lack the health support group and community which I find now to be incredibly invaluable.

 

When eventually, my mother dies, and recover from the whole process of the pain she had to go through... how am I going to find a reason to carry on?

So my question is, how do you find the strength to carry on?

 

Please share with me your life stories.

I thank you for reading this far and I thank you again in advance for the inspiration you may provide by sharing with me your life story

Hugs u tight2. Here’s my story. My dad had a stroke in July 2019. My late mum was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer few weeks after my dad is hospitalised. Both hospitalised at different hospitals. I visited them almost daily. Mum went through 1 major operation. Dad did not recover.
 

Eventually the doctors decided to put my late mum and dad together at the same hospital at St Luke’s hospital so it was much easier for us to visit them. Both were discharged in October 2019. Months later was the start of the pandemic. Long story short, mum’s cancer did not recover. She passed on Hari Raya Haji of 2020 which was during Phase 2.

 

The process of all these + business was near 0, begging the govt for money and assistance was no joke. I was a food stall owner at a polytechnic. Students were still on HBL. No grab food/foodpanda allowed so stop asking. My brother gave almost 0 assistance. It was sh*t serious.

 

This still affects me until today. I just live it, keep her in my prayers, take the honour of taking care of my dad. Do more self care. Take a breath, take a break when I need to. Talk to friends when I need to. 

[AskMeNot]

This is a heavy topic but I have always reminded myself to be at peace with MYSELF and DEATH.

 

Acknowledging what I am, who I am, what I stand for gives me the courage to carry on in spite of all the drama life brings. No lover, no problem, I love myself. Friends leave you? No problem, I am independent in my thoughts and actions.

 

Death is hard, but I learnt to accept it. Rather than mulling over it, I prefer to make the best use of my time before death. Same goes for my approach towards friends and family. Something your parents always wanted to do while they are still alive? Go and do it now. Don't wait.

 

I wish everyone reading this thread can find internal peace. 

Edited September 17, 2023 by AskMeNot

[Guest poxster]

i’m sorry you’ve had to through this and i can’t pretend i know what you’re going through. but while helping a friend going through his own loss, something i read resonated and i thought it might help you. 

 

grief doesn’t go away and it will be a part of you. as time passes, your life gets bigger and that grief becomes smaller, in relation. give yourself time to get through this, allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. 

 

and yes, having a good support system is very important. take comfort in your friends and family. if those aren’t available, get professional help: counsellors, therapists. 

 

ending with a quote by jamie anderson: 

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

take care!!

[Steve5380]

6 hours ago, poxster said:

 

ending with a quote by jamie anderson: 

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

take care!!

 

Thank you !  This is a beautiful quote.  Our love giving is paralyzed because the object of our love is gone!  I feel this very fitting.

[Steve5380]

14 hours ago, iKneadyou said:

 

This still affects me until today. I just live it, keep her in my prayers, take the honour of taking care of my dad. Do more self care. Take a breath, take a break when I need to. Talk to friends when I need to. 

 

 

Your experience sounds sad and difficult.  Yet it gives you an opportunity for growth like few others can do.  Our life is not complete until we have experienced the bad with the good.  And this difficult experience you are having now is a perfect balance for the rest of your life to be one of joy and happiness.

[earth_tone]

It has been awhile, how are you doing now?

 

For me, there is no "how to" just, "do it"  Thinking about it sometimes put me inside a deep dark space I can't even imagine and require more energy to bring myself back up. So I try not to analyse too much and handle issues as they come. Life has to go on, we all need to go to work the next day so you can't afford to be down 24/7

 

I can't give any good advice but I can offer little company over a cup of coffee, pm me.

Edited September 20, 2023 by earth_tone