Advice Needed : I Am Very Closeted / Shy, Discreet, Etc. How can I step out of my comfort zone (compiled)

[Guest T.H]

Hi all

I just turn 21 a few days ago and I really hope my life can change for the better. I wish to share my problems and hopefully someone out there can advice me.

I am a really shy person and hardly open myself to others unless i knows them really well. I am also very bad at having eye-contacts with people when talking to them. I seldom start up a conversation and people who doesn't knows me may find me hard to talk to or me being proud. I guess many things occurs around me which makes me a quiet and introvert person. Rarely anyone knows that I am gay and I am afraid of telling them afraid that they will discriminate me and not befriend with me. I have not been in a relationship before and somehow I am afraid to have one, afraid that I am not good enough.

I know problems lies on me but i feel that if I can be more open to myself and have friends to listen to my problems, I will have more confident in myself. I seriously hope to have someone that I can chat to. If possible, we can be friends who look out for one another.

[Guest darkflame]

To be honest, I do share your feelings. In real life, I don't really hang out with much people and sometimes I don't maintain eye contact if I don't feel like acting sociable. I have to act sociable because it's not my natural tendency to socialise. And sometimes I feel I do show a grumpy face so I'm kinda unapproachable at times. It's sort of my defence mechanism against revealing how shy I am. I can be lost at words in a conversation at times.

And to make up for that, I try to be as loud and sociable on the Net.

Regardless of sexual orientation, I don't see a need to reveal it to others. As for relationships, do you really need it at this stage of your life? You're a budding young man who has the potential to expand your social circle after all. No one knows about my sexual preference except for one friend of mine. Not even my best and closest friend knows about it.

How about looking about the personals section and see who you might fancy, interests-wise? Then you could probably add him to messenger and see how it goes.

[T.H]

Thanks for the reply ^^

Actually I have very bad relationship with my Mom and sometimes i just feel that why am i working so hard for when nobody really cares about me. I have seen my Mom's failed relationship so many times which kinda gave me a phobia of going into a relationship. I am currently staying together with my Mom and her boyfriend and I always feel left out which may be why I am looking for someone to really love and care for me. I am not sure if i am ready for any LTR but i hope that posting in this forum is a form of taking a step forward and I can be more honest with myself.

[GachiMuchi]

I just turn 21 a few days ago and I really hope my life can change for the better. I wish to share my problems and hopefully someone out there can advice me.

You want your life to change? Then you must do something to change it. Nothing will happen if you only "Think" and "write" about it. You wish to share your problems as in, Talk in person or just post online and wait for reply?

I am a really shy person and hardly open myself to others unless i knows them really well. I am also very bad at having eye-contacts with people when talking to them. I seldom start up a conversation and people who doesn't knows me may find me hard to talk to or me being proud. I guess many things occurs around me which makes me a quiet and introvert person.

It is good that you understand your "issues". 1. Shy 2. avoid eye-contact 3. Don't start conversation. Start tackling these "issues" and u will be on your way to know more people.

Rarely anyone knows that I am gay and I am afraid of telling them afraid that they will discriminate me and not befriend with me.

Does anyone need to know u are gay? Do you want people to know u are gay? Will letting ppl know you gay helps you to sleep better? People MAY discriminate, but not all people. Why OVER-think something you cannot prove?

I have not been in a relationship before and somehow I am afraid to have one, afraid that I am not good enough.

This will hv to do with your own confidence level and how you view your own self-worth. Without learning how to love yourself, how do you expect to love people and how do u expect people to even love you.

I know problems lies on me but i feel that if I can be more open to myself and have friends to listen to my problems, I will have more confident in myself. I seriously hope to have someone that I can chat to. If possible, we can be friends who look out for one another.

Great that you know you have a problem.

1. How are you going to be "More Open" to yourself?

2. Will having someone listening to your problems really going to help you? How can listening help you?

3. What do you think you can do to have more confident?

4. There are counsellors from Oogachaga that can listen and chat with you.

5. If you are someone who do not easily open up to people, how do you think you can start having a friend and open yourself up to that person immediately? You will be in a Catch-22 situation.

Healing will only begins when :

1. Understanding that you have a problem

2. Take action or make changes to habits / character, etc.

3. Understand that certain changes takes time

4. Start with simple task

5. Accept your limitation but do not limit yourself

6. Positive thinking helps

[GachiMuchi]

Thanks for the reply ^^

Actually I have very bad relationship with my Mom and sometimes i just feel that why am i working so hard for when nobody really cares about me. I have seen my Mom's failed relationship so many times which kinda gave me a phobia of going into a relationship. I am currently staying together with my Mom and her boyfriend and I always feel left out which may be why I am looking for someone to really love and care for me. I am not sure if i am ready for any LTR but i hope that posting in this forum is a form of taking a step forward and I can be more honest with myself.

Here is what you are carrying with you, a.k.a. Your Emotional Baggages:

1. Fear of Rejection

2. Fear of Commitment

3. Fear of Intimacy

4. Fear of the Unknown

I am lifting a post by Chelseasian from another topic.

Learn to love yourself first. Who better to start with? Only when you are able to love yourself then you can love someone else. Finding a boyfriend is not going to change the situation nor change the way you feel about yourself in the long run. Hypothetically, if you find a bf tomorrow, you have a good time, you feel safe, you feel loved. Supposed you guys break up after some time due to some reason. Would you feel more empowered or less empowered? A boyfriend is not some emotional crutch to help you through the pains of childhood.

Youth is the best time to make mistakes and grow from it. Do not be afraid of making them. Screw things up if you have to. Fail if you must. Most importantly, grow! Grow! Grow! And quit whining.

[T.H]

Thks for the advice guys. I seriously have more confidence and determination after reading all the posts. I totally agree that I have fears when it comes to personal relationship. I will try my best to interact more with people, slowly stepping out of my comfort zone.

[Guest loveone]

to T.H ,

I was wondering how can I know you better?

I want to know more about you ..

cos I feel like we the same kind ..

[Guest ubercloset]

In a very high profile and public job and need to meet many people. I want to have a LLR but find it really hard to meet anybody other than from dating websites (which I cannot put face pic too).

Anybody out there same situation as me? Please share your views on how to deal with this situation.

[waterballoon]

Personally, this is a very iffy issue.

To me, I've always thought "discreet" is nonsense. I never see why people are discreet. I mean, if you're on gay websites, we ALREADY KNOW you're gay no need to hide your face.

But for your case, I guess it's understandable? But again, if you're that closeted, what will happen when you really have a boyfriend? How would you go on dates with him and all that, if your love can't be seen by others?

[Guest Guest]

Same here. No solution. But I'm not in high profile job.

In a very high profile and public job and need to meet many people. I want to have a LLR but find it really hard to meet anybody other than from dating websites (which I cannot put face pic too).

Anybody out there same situation as me? Please share your views on how to deal with this situation.

[tic-toc]

I once dated a very closeted guy. He was too afraid to be seen with me in public. He reckoned that since we are of different ethic group, it is too obvious.

So we only meet at home and no where else.

After a short while, I left him.

[recklessbootlegger]

I guess that in some professions you need to play it carefully. You can have a relationship but being visible in the public eye is a no no. Your partner will have to understand that. Then again, colleagues will question your sexuality when they see that you are unlike other sg guys who head into marriage. I guess that would be something you'd have to manage. Don't ask don't tell is a good way to deal with that.

In the long run, you need to satisfy your own desires, suppression is not wise. Strategize.

[abang]

I'm in the teaching profession.

There is absolutely no need to reveal my sexual orientiation to my students and colleagues.

Of course, being a sharp dresser and a well-groomed man, I tend to attract more female attention.

Just enjoy it ...

[doncoin]

In a very high profile and public job and need to meet many people. I want to have a LLR but find it really hard to meet anybody other than from dating websites (which I cannot put face pic too).

Anybody out there same situation as me? Please share your views on how to deal with this situation.

It is always an option. You can choose. I had a relatively high profile job but I was out from day 1 just to manage expectations. So no surprises there during company functions where I can bring my boyfriend to attend. Once your bosses and people you work with come to respect you for what you can contribute to the team and your job performance, who you sleep with is a non-issue.

[Guest faynic]

In a very high profile and public job and need to meet many people. I want to have a LLR but find it really hard to meet anybody other than from dating websites (which I cannot put face pic too).

Anybody out there same situation as me? Please share your views on how to deal with this situation.

first, how discreet u wan ur r/s to be - until walking side by side wif ur partner is not allow?

R/S doesn't mean there is a need to PDA. friends in public, bfs in bed should be discreet enough.

unless spotted alone wif ur partner in public is not allow too, and i really wondered which job has such criteria.

discuss this wif ur bf, r/s needs communication & understanding, and i believe things will work out for u...

[Guest was tocesta]

Most singapore companies do not discriminate gay workers but there is a limited. However, most advertising companies do have alot of gays so they are quite liberal. SO depends on what industry are you in. Public organisation is best not to be too open in your sexuality.

But even in high profile job, going out with BF should be fine unless your bf is too flamboyant (one-look can see he is gay or one young and one old but don't look like father and son type). Otherwise, who restrict you from having guys friends?? If they keep seeing you with the same guy, they might suspect but then, so what. They should be smart enough not to kapo your personal stuff.

Bottom line, like someone said, you live you own life. You don't live for others. It will be very painful if keep thinking of how to live your life to satisfy others and not yourself. So dont worry so much.

[Guest Troy]

Hmmmm Im sort of in such situation as you. My profession is quite sensitive to such issue and consider relatively high profile in my workarea. Just got to play smart and

becareful with who you chat with. But end of day, I still have a face-pic profile somewhere. End of day, I have figured...whoever could have found me there should be one of us. Afterall, people around me ain't kids who will visit gay website out of curiosity and i wouldnt be so afraid that someone who is str8 will see my profile.

[Guest Cheong Hei Lou]

There are many gays in the public sector. I even know a guy in Singapore Post very openly sissy. If you are in "High Profile" post, it will never be easy and your colleagues might make it political to oust you if they caught you having sex with the same sex. However, if they know you have bf, there is nothing much they can do since law did not forbid man to have bf. What you will get is just gossip and it is also common with people faced in private sector.

Instead of being receptive by posting your photos and waiting for a catch, why not be pro-active to catch those with photo that you like and see where it will lead.... That will save you the trauma of whether to have your photo listed. Other than that, with the help of Ipod, Ipad and whatever Iphone available, there is no need to have physical presence everyday. Love can be a hi-tech thing you know.

If someday, you still feel uncomfortable about it. Than get out of your job!!

Besides, please post your stats here...and who knows, your problems will be solved instantly when that someone walk into your dream.

[Guest ubercloseted]

Thanks for sharing all your views man. Really appreciate it.

Cause I am currently now in my dream job; I worked hard for the past many years to get it. But if I do get a serious LLR, I will be ok with my family knowing it, and go out to watch movies, hang out, dinner, etc. Just that difficult to meet that somebody without having to meet MANY people first. Which is not so discreet?

[Guest faynic]

Thanks for sharing all your views man. Really appreciate it.

Cause I am currently now in my dream job; I worked hard for the past many years to get it. But if I do get a serious LLR, I will be ok with my family knowing it, and go out to watch movies, hang out, dinner, etc. Just that difficult to meet that somebody without having to meet MANY people first. Which is not so discreet?

first of all, congrats for getting ur dream job. it's really difficult to find a job which u luv, mine is shit.

since u r fine wif spending times wif ur bf, then go ahead & fine. why r u scare to meet MANY ppl when the ppl u meeting r ajs too?

maybe u meetup wif them in less crowded aread, or via emails, msn lor...

don't know wats ur criterias for r/s, but if u dun mind being friends, feel free to contact me...

[koolkai]

In a very high profile and public job and need to meet many people. I want to have a LLR but find it really hard to meet anybody other than from dating websites (which I cannot put face pic too).

Anybody out there same situation as me? Please share your views on how to deal with this situation.

I am sure we can all understand your concern. Most of us do have such concern but it varies to different degree. But based on what you have written, you place your job above having a bf. To you, your job is more important you can't jeopardise your job prospect and hence you find it difficult to have a bf whom you can spend time with and even if you do have one, you can only meet him secretly. This will inadvertently hurt his feeling and the relationship can't last very long as even going out watching a movie, having a meal seem not possible. If you can be like chelseasian, it will be great!

[snoppywoof]

sometime u have to be more daring and take the first step. Otherwise it's either be lonely forever or have a companion who will stay by ur side for ur life.

[Guest cockhead]

Thanks for sharing all your views man. Really appreciate it.

Cause I am currently now in my dream job; I worked hard for the past many years to get it. But if I do get a serious LLR, I will be ok with my family knowing it, and go out to watch movies, hang out, dinner, etc. Just that difficult to meet that somebody without having to meet MANY people first. Which is not so discreet?

You can always start by blogging. Create your own blog and make friends with other bloggers. Love starts by understanding each other and not simply show of photo. Mingle around with your gay best friends, they might indirectly lead you to your soul-mate. Put up ads in fridae, sgboy and BW and write something intriguing to capture their hearts and mind unlike the common boring ads of...."I am bottom, I am chn sgboy age xx, I like tea, I enjoy movie...bla bla bla.....". If you happened to know a colleague who is gay, try to make friend with him, so that both of you can go out openly as colleague and friends and help each other in getting to know more PLU...... Aiyo yo, so many things you can do. However, let me warn you, someday you might be out in the limelight and than you must be prepared to lift your head up and yell proudly to the world "YES!!! I am gay". Than denial is no longer an option, not for every gay out there.

[Guest not easy]

Thanks for sharing all your views man. Really appreciate it.

Cause I am currently now in my dream job; I worked hard for the past many years to get it. But if I do get a serious LLR, I will be ok with my family knowing it, and go out to watch movies, hang out, dinner, etc. Just that difficult to meet that somebody without having to meet MANY people first. Which is not so discreet?

There are various reasons why someone has to be closetted. It need not be just your profession...it could be many others. Gays who are totally open will never understand. But I understand.

I guess the way out of this is to date or have an LTR with someone who is just as closetted (not easy to find though) or be with someone who might not be as closetted as you but is willing to understand where you are coming from, be with you, and even help you to be discreet.

[koolkai]

Thanks for sharing all your views man. Really appreciate it.

Cause I am currently now in my dream job; I worked hard for the past many years to get it. But if I do get a serious LLR, I will be ok with my family knowing it, and go out to watch movies, hang out, dinner, etc. Just that difficult to meet that somebody without having to meet MANY people first. Which is not so discreet?

You definitely have to meet many people before you can settle down to one person whom you can click and develop a relationship with. Unless you are so lucky to meet the right person the first time you start meeting. Hence, since you treasure your dream job, I guess you have to be single for a while till you are ready to be not so discreet I gather your dream job is more important than having a loving relationship

Edited December 19, 2010 by koolkai

[steelwings]

The day will come when people will accept that being gay is not a crime, eventually. People's mind will change, it just takes time. And by then, all gay men and women shall walk bravely and freely holding their partners hand in public, and is truly proud to be gay. The term 'closeted gay' will no longer exists.

[Guest To: ubercloseted]

To: ubercloseted:

Eversince you have started this topic, many nice people have responded to your question. So have you decided to go for your career and lead a closeted gay life or would you strike a balance between the two and be prepared to make some sacrifices?

[Guest IneedAMan]

Hi, I am a 19 years old closeted gay here. I didnt reveal to any of my friends that I am gay although some can tell from the way I do things. I don't know any male friends that are gay and this is driving me crazy. It's hard to get involve in conversation with straight guys when you are not interested at women. How is it possible for me to get to know more gay guy? I totally need a man, I've been holding it for so long and I am sick and tired of all these. I get turn on when I see a hot guy in the public. I need a man!!!

[member_757]

I guess this forum is a good platform to get to know more people. Get involved in groups with common interest. Here is also where I knew my bf.

Edited October 11, 2013 by member_757

[cloz8dude]

Somehow I can relate to you. I'm closated too and days i've spent acting like i'm purely straight. I was so frustrated of hiding the real me and not able to talk it out with someone, that I've decided to join this forum to connect with the community I belong. Now I'm a happy go lucky guy with the people I meet and chat here on bw while I keep my life going as a regular straight man. Feels so much better~ 

[onlylonely]

Join some interest grp like the 1990s 1980s grp. There are regular outings to expand ur social circle and know more nice guys

[G_M]

Your man won't drop from the sky. Go and find him.

The main forum is not the place for your ad.

Go register an a account and do what the other ssuggested and join the groups.

[Guest IneedAMan]

I NEED A MAN SO BAD. GOSH HELP ME T_T

[muddywill]

Ahh! I feel the same way too. I am really shy sometimes, and when I feel uncomfortable, it is so hard to even speak or do anything around other people. So people probably think I'm just some really dark, depressed person. And obviously, they do not like to be around me. But the truth is, I am actually very insecure and have very little confidence in my intelligence and looks. Even though it seems so superficial, gay guys can be very quick to judge and dismiss. I know that I have to be okay with rejection (because it will inevitably happen), but sometimes, it's difficult. You have to come to accept what you can't change about yourself and try to change what you can. 

[Momopolare]

 I seldom start up a conversation and people who doesn't knows me may find me hard to talk to or me being proud. I guess many things occurs around me which makes me a quiet and introvert person. 

I'm pretty much down with this problems as well >.<

Just change gradually, standing still won't get you anything.

[EasleyLim]

Ahh! I feel the same way too. I am really shy sometimes, and when I feel uncomfortable, it is so hard to even speak or do anything around other people. So people probably think I'm just some really dark, depressed person. And obviously, they do not like to be around me. But the truth is, I am actually very insecure and have very little confidence in my intelligence and looks. Even though it seems so superficial, gay guys can be very quick to judge and dismiss. I know that I have to be okay with rejection (because it will inevitably happen), but sometimes, it's difficult. You have to come to accept what you can't change about yourself and try to change what you can.

/judging you now

[azimuth]

Sometimes you just have to force it till you are used to it. Things may just turn for the better.

[EasleyLim]

Sometimes you just have to force it till you are used to it. Things may just turn for the better.

Alternatively, fake it till you make it. Do it long enough and and even you will believe your own lies.

[muddywill]

/judging you now

hahaha! you're such a troll. 

[Guest Discreet]

I’m a discreet, straight acting guy and never met up with any guys before. Mainly because I’m afraid of people finding out I’m actually gay. Any advice for stepping out of my comfort zone while continuing being discreet?

[BudakFit]

One thing about discreet is that you overthink easily anxious etc... and as if people know you etc...haha I have fun sex with some normal to straight to discreet to some upcoming someone they are open and nobody even care or notice...

 

I used to organized lots of outings etc...when I was younger coz free time from Starbucks to coffebean hangouts to sports to bars and clubs. 

 

So for a start my advice to u is start by webcam or video call thru instagram to line to any platforms. So at least u get comfy with the person first...get to see heads to toes face body cock ass...then from there plan for dinner or coffee and see from there....and remember plz don't trust anyone easily follow your instinct. Be careful of those catfish etc...

 

Cheers! 

Edited June 3, 2021 by BudakFit

[auscent]

Relax. Youre meeting up to hang out first, not rip each others clothes off.

[GachiMuchi]

10 hours ago, Guest Discreet said:

I’m a discreet, straight acting guy and never met up with any guys before. Mainly because I’m afraid of people finding out I’m actually gay. Any advice for stepping out of my comfort zone while continuing being discreet?

Hello, want to be discreet and don't want to take the first step to go and meet people, what you want? Expect men to fall into your closet?

No one can make you comfortable, if you don't have the balls to go and get what you want.

Please grow some balls and take the necessary actions.

Want to do then don't be afraid. If everything also scare, then you deserved to be in the closet and wither and die a closet virgin.

 

[doncoin]

10 hours ago, Guest Discreet said:

Any advice for stepping out of my comfort zone while continuing being discreet?

 

 

Note what you said "stepping out of my comfort zone...." You're going to uncomfortable the moment you step out. You know that. So if you are going to step out, step out. No one foot in, and one foot out, and shake it all about. 

 

Stepping out means making yourself vulnerable to others. There is no way to be discrete, because the other person will know. The only safety is to stay within your comfort zone, and not expose your secret gay identity to anyone one else.  

[Guest Tony Chen]

This is a v odd question . What are u looking for ? I don’t think u can pursue real long term relationships by being “discreet”. You can only have fun. So either wear mask or only let the Grindr guy come to your place , frisk him for any phones so he can’t record you, and ya, forever don’t take any photos with any gays , 

[ryumonsg]

17 hours ago, Guest Discreet said:

I’m a discreet, straight acting guy and never met up with any guys before. Mainly because I’m afraid of people finding out I’m actually gay. Any advice for stepping out of my comfort zone while continuing being discreet?

You can be anonymous in telegram and share your photo when you are ready to the person that you keen to know more. There are different level of lifestyles in this circle while I encourage you to step out and know yourself. Be yourself and being gay is not an illness or crime. What will happen will happen and why worry things that might not come? Have the courage to be yourself

[fetish69]

Just be yourself dress the way you feel like it  as now the straight guy is also fashionable 

[Guest Used]

Sg is too small to be discreet when you want to play. You're bound to meet them again outside.

Do what discreet gays do. 

Travel to foreign countries and let yourself go. Whatever you do, nobody knows.

[Guest Discreet]

Would love to but with covid and everything... it’s almost impossible now

[PansexualFreak]

Someone came to my place and my elderly parents were around but at the door coming in and out—we just acted like all bro talk...