Open Relationship Discussion (Compiled)

[p2468]

8 hours ago, LeanMature said:

 

Open relationship with that someone or open relationship with you?

With me

[p2468]

3 hours ago, Rice60640 said:

Don’t be in it thinking he will break up with his partner to be with you. If he does that, chances are he will break up with you when the next one come along. 

I know. But I hope they break up for other reasons. Lol

Edited January 9, 2018 by p2468

[Guest Lolwut]

Seems like many gays on grindr have this status, what is it and why does it exist?

[auscent]

When the guy wants everyth, and everyone.

[Guest open]

19 minutes ago, Guest Lolwut said:

Seems like many gays on grindr have this status, what is it and why does it exist?

that's mean A and B is a couple. but A and B can still meet with other for sex. they can even have threesome together. because men are inherently polyamorous

[cutejack]

51 minutes ago, Guest Lolwut said:

Seems like many gays on grindr have this status, what is it and why does it exist?

More like animals relationship. U can be attached n fuck around. Like animals rite?

[Guest Wtf]

33 minutes ago, Guest open said:

that's mean A and B is a couple. but A and B can still meet with other for sex. they can even have threesome together. because men are inherently polyamorous

Lol so if A gets diseases from C to Z, B gets all of it too and vice versa. Ok time to block these fools.

[yoyo74]

37 minutes ago, cutejack said:

More like animals relationship. U can be attached n fuck around. Like animals rite?

Actually humans is also a kind of animals. Humans want to be seperated from animals cause they want to kill other animals indiscriminately.

[yoyo74]

33 minutes ago, Guest Wtf said:

Lol so if A gets diseases from C to Z, B gets all of it too and vice versa. Ok time to block these fools.

Well if the open relationship is without sex than nobody will get diseases.

[Guest sutra]

26 minutes ago, yoyo74 said:

Well if the open relationship is without sex than nobody will get diseases.

if no sex, every night what are they going to do? reciting sutra?

[abang]

真是男神。。精病。

Sex is essential but not an every night event!

Intimacy, on the other hand, is - you can hug, cuddle, kiss without having oral or anal sex!

[cutejack]

1 hour ago, yoyo74 said:

Actually humans is also a kind of animals. Humans want to be seperated from animals cause they want to kill other animals indiscriminately.

Animals can recognise siblings n differentiate between food n faeces. But we r not n cant be like them. Well my point of view.

[benedict94]

she is the expert in this field - listen to her speech you will be enlighten 

"Let Go of Being the Perfect Partner" is a look into the unrealistic expectations we set for ourselves in relationships. 

 

https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved

"Let Go of Being the Perfect Partner" is a look into the unrealistic expectations we set for ourselves in relationships. 

 

 

Edited June 10, 2018 by benedict94
video did not show

[fab]

An excuse use by those who can't differentiate love from lust, feel lonely but want a relationship yet can't commit to one party.

Edited June 10, 2018 by fab

[yoyo74]

4 hours ago, abang said:

真是男神。。精病。

Sex is essential but not an every night event!

Intimacy, on the other hand, is - you can hug, cuddle, kiss without having oral or anal sex!

There are many who think sex is essential but they also cant stop themselves from lusting any hot guys that come into their life and want intimacy with all of them. This is why open relationship to them is essential also. Only solution to them is to have sex fun with only one person if they crave for sex and have sexless fun with all other guys that they lust.

[yoyo74]

3 hours ago, cutejack said:

Animals can recognise siblings n differentiate between food n faeces. But we r not n cant be like them. Well my point of view.

Actually some animals also eat their sibling if they hungry and no choice same with humans when face with a no choice situation. But human again want to feel superior and want to be seperated from animals. Thus people classified bad people as worse than animals.

[Peterjty]

不在其位 不谋其政

[lonelyglobe]

22 hours ago, Guest Lolwut said:

Seems like many gays on grindr have this status, what is it and why does it exist?

it means when I need u, u will be there and when I don't need u, I will go and find someone else and vice versa. why exist? I suppose is to escape full responsibility and ensure always got some "fresh" fun while keeping the usual stuff on hand.

[Geekout]

Woah, is it me or am I sensing a lot of antagonism towards open relationships? 

 

Anyway TS, I think Reddit has a far more developed discussion on Open Relationships in their subreddit r/gaybros. 

 

Not a relationship expert, but from what I gathered is that an open relationship involves a core romantic relationship with sexual relationships at the side. Some responses mentioned differing levels of sexual drive as a reason for opening the relationship - allowing the couple to satisfy their individual physical needs. It appears that great communication is an extremely crucial component to allow open relationships to work and the ability to compartmentalize the sex as solely a physical activity.  I also conclude that open relationships aren't for everyone... but if it works for you why not? 

 

7 hours ago, Guest Lolwut said:

Seems like many gays on grindr have this status, what is it and why does it exist?

 

If TS' observations are true, I wonder if (the many) people with open relationships can come forward and share their thoughts and personal experiences? I think as people who experienced the relationship, they would be in a better position to answer this question.  

 

[Guest noopenrelationship]

if want to fool around , y still want to have bf?

It's this black sheep gays who give us a bad name of being promiscuous.

[yoyo74]

37 minutes ago, Geekout said:

Woah, is it me or am I sensing a lot of antagonism towards open relationships? 

 

Anyway TS, I think Reddit has a far more developed discussion on Open Relationships in their subreddit r/gaybros. 

 

Not a relationship expert, but from what I gathered is that an open relationship involves a core romantic relationship with sexual relationships at the side. Some responses mentioned differing levels of sexual drive as a reason for opening the relationship - allowing the couple to satisfy their individual physical needs. It appears that great communication is an extremely crucial component to allow open relationships to work and the ability to compartmentalize the sex as solely a physical activity.  I also conclude that open relationships aren't for everyone... but if it works for you why not? 

 

 

If TS' observations are true, I wonder if (the many) people with open relationships can come forward and share their thoughts and personal experiences? I think as people who experienced the relationship, they would be in a better position to answer this question.  

 

I dont think many of those with open relationship will want to stand out to explain their thoughts and experience as you can see how people flame on open relationship here. The exact same way as how many homophobic conservative straight flame on gay relationship.

[Steve5380]

7 hours ago, cutejack said:

More like animals relationship. U can be attached n fuck around. Like animals rite?

 

Your analogy is flawed.

There are animal species who are monogamous.

It is said that up to 5% of animal species are monogamous.

In the human animal, it is unknown if more than 5% of humans are monogamous,

or if they are scared shit-less to admit otherwise 

[Steve5380]

8 hours ago, Guest Lolwut said:

Seems like many gays on grindr have this status, what is it and why does it exist?

 

In open relationships,  the principal bond that holds the couple together is EMOTIONAL.

There can be sexual bonds too, but they are not considered too important,

like it is not important that they only like the food they prepare each other.

[Geekout]

@yoyo74 what a shame! I would imagine it to be really enriching to understand the POVs of people who actually experienced / are experiencing these open relationships. 

 

34 minutes ago, Guest noopenrelationship said:

if want to fool around , y still want to have bf?

It's this black sheep gays who give us a bad name of being promiscuous.

 

Two questions for discussion:

1) Is it still 'fooling' around if you and your partner have mutually agreed and communicated the terms of the open relationship?

 

Again, I refer to my previous definition highlighting that the open relationship has a romantic relationship at its core. I suppose this might mean that you are loving one person and sharing your life with only one individual? Whereas the sexual aspect (in your terms 'fool around') is mainly a physical activity to deal with physical desires. 

 

2) Is promiscuity inherently bad? I suppose some might point to the fact that there's STI/Ds to deal with... but I assume that responsible participants of open relationships would take necessary mitigating actions (such as PrEP and contraceptives). So what other points are there against promiscuity? 

Edited June 10, 2018 by Geekout

[bigdanbeam]

36 minutes ago, Guest noopenrelationship said:

if want to fool around , y still want to have bf?

It's this black sheep gays who give us a bad name of being promiscuous.

 

Str8 also fool around. 

[iamziz]

When you want to eat out you don't want to feel guilty but you get jealous when your partner eats out or when the person you allow in a 3some with your partner is liking your partner more than you or when you want to find an excuse to break-up or when you are not sexually happy with your partner.

 

[Guest Blank]

9 hours ago, bigdanbeam said:

 

Str8 also fool around. 

 

Str8 guys are immuned to be labelled as being promiscuous. Many many grandfathers have had a few wives in the past. Not forgetting that a Muslim man is legally allowed to have four wives in this current timeline. 

 

Gays have smelly names from the start. Many str8 can't accept gays and call us faggots which you should know if you're not living in a well. They figure all gays are promiscuous, want to suck their cocks and fuck each other's backside.

 

How do you erase the above stigma? Even I find gays around me to be promiscuous, having bf and looking for funs outside behind his back. 

[Peterjty]

If there are people who are actually willing to hear from someone in an open relationship let me know. 

 

I feel like anything I speak in defense of an open relationship I’ll be epic-ly labeled with profanities. 

[tomcat]

not to offend anyone but most often the guys who are opposed to open r/s

are usually very repressed or themselves lonely with little to none r/s experience.
basically, those who have no clue how relationships work.

 

to be honest "opposed" is not really a suitable word, because it is quite passive.

"opposed" is same as "yup i dont agree with it" but the guys who are against open r/s

are also very angry and filled with hatred about it which always puzzled me.

i asked one of my friends, who has been outspoken about it, he says

"yes, pissed off. I cant even get one guy, yet these guys who are already partnered

can still exchange sex like merry go round. hello heavens, what is going on. is it fair?

get away lah, all these sluts. disgusting and promiscous"

i guess that explains the responses here as well.

it's a mix of frustration, jealousy and denial?

the best advice given is that "why kaypoh about what others are doing?
they want open r/s, exploded r/s, community r/s has nothing to do with you.

you focus on your own needs, and worry less about others.

if you hv problem finding love or hooking up, the issues often lie first and foremost with you"

not sure if 100% accurate, but it's the same argument against people against gays.

what does it matter to you that we are gay? 

you do you, stay in your lane and let others live.

[bigdanbeam]

3 hours ago, Peterjty said:

If there are people who are actually willing to hear from someone in an open relationship let me know. 

 

I feel like anything I speak in defense of an open relationship I’ll be epic-ly labeled with profanities. 

 

Just speak ur mind. Everyone is free to comment (and rebutt, of course)

[auri]

I expect a lot of the above comments regarding open relationships come from people who have not been in a long term relationship. Therefore, perhaps understandable that they are unable to differentiate love/ sexual desire.

[Guest Guest]

He just want a fuck buddy..after fucking you, he also want to fuck your friend, your friends friend, your friends brother, your friends brothers ocs instructor and on and on and on...

[Peterjty]

21 hours ago, bigdanbeam said:

 

Just speak ur mind. Everyone is free to comment (and rebutt, of course)

 

First and most importantly, I believe everyone is entitled to his/her way of life - as long as it doesn’t infringe on the lives of others.

 

I started the relationship in full passion trying for a monogamous relationship. For 5 years, no matter how many times I was cheated on, no matter how many breakups we tried to have, we somehow drifted back together. I was a possessive bitch. The thought of sharing was excruciating. These 5 years were filled with self loathe, tears, insecurity and blood. One thing which I could not come to terms with was if I wasn’t enough for him. I was so tired of his lies, telling me that he is going to bed, only to find him online on Grindr at someone else’s place. Each time the lie happens, a part of me dies.

 

In the 6th year, we tried introducing a new person in our bedroom. I was not comfortable with the idea but it was something which I wanted to find out. So long story short, I was perfectly okay looking at him in bed with someone else. And then I realised, what killed me was the lies he told me and not the actual act of infidelity. And what was important as well, he realised that I was okay with it and he did not have to lie anymore.

 

And so, there were no more lies in our relationship. He can tell me when he plays outside and now that I do, I will tell him too. Fast forward to the next 3 years, these lies and suspicion which used to plague the relationship are gone. In a way, the trust got even stronger. Because if he says “there is nothing”, there really is nothing because there was no reason to lie.

 

One big caveat was... that’s what worked for us. Everyone may have a different approach. 

I only hope that you guys don’t drown me in stone for sharing my experience.

[Peterjty]

5 hours ago, auri said:

I expect a lot of the above comments regarding open relationships come from people who have not been in a long term relationship. Therefore, perhaps understandable that they are unable to differentiate love/ sexual desire.

 

HAHAHAH i know actually what you mean man.

[Guest InBangkok]

I think Peterjty has summed up an open relationship extremely well. Communication is the key. In my experience, though, when two people first become deeply attached to each other, there is little if any desire for sex outside the relationship in the first few years. Eventually sex with the guy you love loses some of its appeal. That's when the two partners need to sit down and discuss how their relationship goes forward. Most of my friends who are in very long relationships agree at that point that each can seek sex from other guys if they wish. They further agree that they will be perfectly honest with each other and tell their partners when they do meet others - and that safe sex is always practised on such occasions. In my view we have to be honest with our partners if we want an open relationship to work. 

[Peterjty]

Oh oh oh i want to clarify that “open relationship” does NOT equal to the following:

• My boyfriend doesn’t know
• I told boyfriend that we are exclusive so he doesn’t know I am playing outside (this is simply cheating)
• Yea my boyfriend sort of know/yea I think my boyfriend suspects but we have never spoken about it

The one thing in common in all the above scenario is that... the boyfriend doesn’t know.

 

There are many variations of open relationship (even in straight relationship) and rules need to be set out, some examples of rules that I have heard of are:

• can only be ONS, no repeat fun with same person
• no mutual friends
• not in our bedroom
• only when I am overseas
• you can do as long as I don’t know (or you can do as long as I know)

At the end, it should be a bilateral, premediated decision.

[fab]

47 minutes ago, Peterjty said:

 

First and most importantly, I believe everyone is entitled to his/her way of life - as long as it doesn’t infringe on the lives of others.

 

I started the relationship in full passion trying for a monogamous relationship. For 5 years, no matter how many times I was cheated on, no matter how many breakups we tried to have, we somehow drifted back together. I was a possessive bitch. The thought of sharing was excruciating. These 5 years were filled with self loathe, tears, insecurity and blood. One thing which I could not come to terms with was if I wasn’t enough for him. I was so tired of his lies, telling me that he is going to bed, only to find him online on Grindr at someone else’s place. Each time the lie happens, a part of me dies.

 

In the 6th year, we tried introducing a new person in our bedroom. I was not comfortable with the idea but it was something which I wanted to find out. So long story short, I was perfectly okay looking at him in bed with someone else. And then I realised, what killed me was the lies he told me and not the actual act of infidelity. And what was important as well, he realised that I was okay with it and he did not have to lie anymore.

 

And so, there were no more lies in our relationship. He can tell me when he plays outside and now that I do, I will tell him too. Fast forward to the next 3 years, these lies and suspicion which used to plague the relationship are gone. In a way, the trust got even stronger. Because if he says “there is nothing”, there really is nothing because there was no reason to lie.

 

One big caveat was... that’s what worked for us. Everyone may have a different approach. 

I only hope that you guys don’t drown me in stone for sharing my experience.

 

I feel sorry for u.

 

U deserve a better man. He doesnt love u or he doesn't even know love.

 

U should not lower your moral for him. 2 wrongs don't make 1 right. 

 

Move on with what's left of your pride. Worse, Singlehood is still better than being abused emotionally.

Edited June 12, 2018 by fab

[Peterjty]

Just now, fab said:

 

I feel sorry for u.

 

U deserve a better man. He doesnt love u or he doesn't even know love.

 

U should not ve lower your moral for him. 2 wrongs don't make 1 right. 

 

Move on with what's left of your pride. Worse, Singlehood is still better than being abused emotionally.

 

Not at all. We have been perfectly fine for the past 3 years.

I agree, at that point in life I should have moved on. But we found our way back together.

 

It would be incredibly self-centred of me to think that I was the perfect one in the relationship and all he did was cheat.

I definitely had my weakness and he “lowered his morals” and accepted me and we both changed and grew.

 

You are right and I did not lower my standards. Me today would not have dated boyfriend from 5 years ago. 

But we are hardly the same people we were from that time.

 

And looking back at the past 8 years, we both grew and changed. 

We are both far much better people than we started 8 years ago.

[lonelyglobe]

in f & b terms, if monogamous is a-la-carte (assuming choice of 1 main course) then open relationship will be a buffet, a wider variety of choice, nothing wrong but just a personal choice

[IkuTube]

1 hour ago, Peterjty said:

 

Not at all. We have been perfectly fine for the past 3 years.

I agree, at that point in life I should have moved on. But we found our way back together.

 

It would be incredibly self-centred of me to think that I was the perfect one in the relationship and all he did was cheat.

I definitely had my weakness and he “lowered his morals” and accepted me and we both changed and grew.

 

You are right and I did not lower my standards. Me today would not have dated boyfriend from 5 years ago. 

But we are hardly the same people we were from that time.

 

And looking back at the past 8 years, we both grew and changed. 

We are both far much better people than we started 8 years ago.

 

 

There's great maturation in your sharing.  It is, indeed, a topic that is very sensitive.  A topic that is beyond the grain of acceptance with the critical mass. 

 

Your sharing makes me to equate it with one of my favorite quote - "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forward”.  You live your life and make it good.  You make it yours because each of us, and life in itself, is unique.  While there is always a so-called general norm, you raise above it.  You win because you allowed your awareness to get the better of you - to know about yourself better, about how to treasure what is already in your hand and strive towards being just a human.  You judged yourself and reserved that judgement.  It is your self acceptance that channels you to have the benefit of hindsight.

 

Surviving the years of struggles and pains on your own gives you that opportunity to understand about you.  Only when you understand who you are that you understand your partner.  Today, you are sharing a good moment with your partner and that is what a mature relationship is about.

 

[Steve5380]

8 hours ago, Peterjty said:

One big caveat was... that’s what worked for us. Everyone may have a different approach. 

I only hope that you guys don’t drown me in stone for sharing my experience.

 

Surely many of us recognize in your story the basic elements of our own relationships.  You should be commended instead of stoned for sharing. 

 

8 hours ago, Peterjty said:

 

I started the relationship in full passion trying for a monogamous relationship. For 5 years, no matter how many times I was cheated on, no matter how many breakups we tried to have, we somehow drifted back together. I was a possessive bitch. The thought of sharing was excruciating. These 5 years were filled with self loathe, tears, insecurity and blood. One thing which I could not come to terms with was if I wasn’t enough for him. I was so tired of his lies, telling me that he is going to bed, only to find him online on Grindr at someone else’s place. Each time the lie happens, a part of me dies.

 

In the 6th year, we tried introducing a new person in our bedroom. I was not comfortable with the idea but it was something which I wanted to find out. So long story short, I was perfectly okay looking at him in bed with someone else. And then I realised, what killed me was the lies he told me and not the actual act of infidelity. And what was important as well, he realised that I was okay with it and he did not have to lie anymore.

 

And so, there were no more lies in our relationship. He can tell me when he plays outside and now that I do, I will tell him too. Fast forward to the next 3 years, these lies and suspicion which used to plague the relationship are gone. In a way, the trust got even stronger. Because if he says “there is nothing”, there really is nothing because there was no reason to lie.

 

 

It is interesting that it was a fortunate three-way what opened your eyes to the path to a stable and positive open relationship.

You realized that it was his cheating and not his sex with others what frustrated you.  Hopefully you also found more proof of your bf's love for you.

Because your poor bf had been caught between two powerful forces: his polygamy (which most of us have) and your intolerance of "cheating".

In this situation, the poor man had only two choices:  end the relationship or lie about his sex with others.

Being in love with you he naturally chose to lie about his sex with others, and he had to put up with stigma of being a liar and a cheater.

He did this not only because of his desires of sex with others, but also because of his love for you.  

 

Fortunately YOU ended his cheating.  Yes!  By accepting his nature you allowed him to be sincere, not in need of lying, and so the "cheating" vanished forever.

It takes TWO for "cheating" to exist:  the one who cannot resist having sex with others, and the one who cannot accept this.

 

I don't know of faithful gay relationships that last long. All the long-term gay relationships I know are open, including mine 

[Steve5380]

8 hours ago, fab said:

 

I feel sorry for u.

U deserve a better man. He doesnt love u or he doesn't even know love.

U should not lower your moral for him. 2 wrongs don't make 1 right. 

Move on with what's left of your pride. Worse, Singlehood is still better than being abused emotionally.

 

Surely many others feel sorry for u, Fab.

It is questionable that having sex with multiple partners is not moral.

The love in an open relationship has an additional component:  the satisfaction when your beloved has a great enjoyment of sex with someone else.

[yoyo74]

On 6/12/2018 at 1:47 PM, Peterjty said:

 

Not at all. We have been perfectly fine for the past 3 years.

I agree, at that point in life I should have moved on. But we found our way back together.

 

It would be incredibly self-centred of me to think that I was the perfect one in the relationship and all he did was cheat.

I definitely had my weakness and he “lowered his morals” and accepted me and we both changed and grew.

 

You are right and I did not lower my standards. Me today would not have dated boyfriend from 5 years ago. 

But we are hardly the same people we were from that time.

 

And looking back at the past 8 years, we both grew and changed. 

We are both far much better people than we started 8 years ago.

Congratulations!!! You have reached the enlightenment and maturity of love. The right way to love a person is to let a person do what he wants and not like a possessive bf. When your bf have all the freedom to do the things that he wanted, he will be totally sincere and not a single lies are needed. I commended on your maturity to love.

[Guest Chef]

On 6/10/2018 at 1:31 PM, Guest Lolwut said:

Seems like many gays on grindr have this status, what is it and why does it exist?

Open relationship is like a vegan who still eat meat.

[mate69]

Open is pretty common these days.

Not going to say if it's right or wrong here.

 

Number 1 rule for me: Not on our bed. NEVER EVER.

[Steve5380]

11 hours ago, mate69 said:

 

Number 1 rule for me: Not on our bed. NEVER EVER.

 

Definition of bed idolatry: " immoderate attachment or devotion to one's bed."

 

Yes, I just made this up.  But where else would this Not on our bed come from?

If someone visits your place, you think "not on my toilet seat", "not on my kitchen table"?

 

Shouldn't a bed be an  impersonal object and one only cares if stains of cum appear on the mattress?

After all we can sleep like a baby in hotel beds that had hundreds of guests lying on them.

[Sh3rlock]

2 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

Definition of bed idolatry: " immoderate attachment or devotion to one's bed."

 

Yes, I just made this up.  But where else would this Not on our bed come from?

If someone visits your place, you think "not on my toilet seat", "not on my kitchen table"?

 

Shouldn't a bed be an  impersonal object and one only cares if stains of cum appear on the mattress?

After all we can sleep like a baby in hotel beds that had hundreds of guests lying on them.

Get your point, but I don’t think it’s about the bed; it’s about the safe and intimate space the bed is in...

[dex7]

IMO, people who go for open relationships just can't settle down for a partner. They usually wanna fuck around but want to love one man. But really, that's really risky, considering the number of sexual partners the person has. I wouldn't want to risk myself tbh. 

[tomcat]

On 10/25/2020 at 5:36 PM, dex7 said:

IMO, people who go for open relationships just can't settle down for a partner. They usually wanna fuck around but want to love one man. But really, that's really risky, considering the number of sexual partners the person has. I wouldn't want to risk myself tbh. 

not really a matured observation.

 

the reality is that most relationships start monogamous, but become more lenient with time. this is because both sides get tired of fuxking the same hole/mouth.  

 

he may think you are the most delicious, but if you are the only dish he gets to eat for the rest of his life, he will get tired too eventually. we may be gay, but we are still men. 

 

so the open relationship exists because love is deeper than sex. most couples play around, but they stay committed emotionally to one person. he can have a few buddies, but only one man is actually worthy of building a life together.

 

and building a life is more than just fidelity. it is compromise, understanding and communication. the fact that you have such a simplistic view of a relationship shows the level of maturity.

[Guest Why]

If straight men can stay committed to one, why can't gay men as well? Yes, yes, there are plenty of cheating straight men out there too, as well as straight people in open relationships. But the majority of straight people seem alright with monogamous relationships. 

 

If y'all are fully-consenting and really do want it then it is absolutely fine. It's your life and certainly your prerogative. But when it is suggested that all gay men are inherently incapable of being monogamous.... something just doesn't sit right with me.