crazygolfer Posted January 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Golf Joke: Need a spotter? Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. ``No problem,'' answered the pro. ``But, you have to understand,'' one of the guys, named George, explained, ``that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter.'' The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Gary. ``How old are you?'' George asked. ``I'm ninety-four,'' Gary responded. ``Fabulous,'' said George. ``But how's your eyesight?'' At this, Gary blew up. ``Don't insult my eyes,'' he yelled. ``I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!'' ``Okay, okay,'' the others said. ``Let's play golf.'' George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Gary. ``Did you see where it went?'' he asked the ancient one. ``Did I see where it went?! I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!'' Gary yelled. ``Okay, I'm sorry,'' said George. ``Where did it go?'' Gary dropped his head, and muttered, ``I forgot.'' Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Golf quote: Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five. ~Paul Harvey Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Golf quote: In golf, you keep your head down and follow through. In the vice presidency, you keep your head up and follow through. It's a big difference. ~Dan Quayle Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Golf quote: You can't call it a sport. You don't run, jump, you don't shoot, you don't pass. All you have to do is buy some clothes that don't match. ~Steve Sax Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Golf quote: The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil. ~Author Unknown Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Golf quote: One under a tree, one under a bush, one under the water. ~Lee Trevino, describing how he was one under during a tournament Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Golf quote: The average golfer doesn't play golf. He attacks it. ~Jack Burke Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Golf quote: The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows. ~P.G. Wodehouse Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Golf quote: Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. ~Tiger Woods Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Golf quote: Trevino is in a league by himself. We don't even count him. We figure when you come in second, you're a winner. ~Chi Chi Rodriguez Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Golf Joke:How hard to hit a 1-iron? A rather good golf junkie who happens to be a priest is on the 18th hole and has about a 200 yard approach shot to the green. He drags out his 1-iron, and starts to swing at the ball. Suddenly, the clouds overhead let out a flash of lightning and a massive roll of thunder, shattering a tree some 3 hundred yards east, and the rain begins pouring down in a blinding sheet. The distraction causes him to hook the shot badly out of bounds. He waves his 1-iron at the clouds, screaming and yelling and cursing God. His caddy runs up, grabs his club arm and yanks it down, yelling ``Are you crazy? You don't wave a club around like that in a thunderstorm!'' The priest looks at his caddy and says `Phhhhhtt. Not even God can hit a 1-iron!''. Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Golf Joke: Don’t mess with women One day, this lady is golfing, and she hits her ball in the woods. she goes to look for it, and instead finds a frog in a trap. Hey, it says. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes. Ok, she says. So she frees it, and it says, Sorry, forgot to tell you. whatever you get, your husband gets ten times the amount of whatever it is you wish for. Ok, fine. So, the frog asks, what's your first wish? I want to be the most beautiful women in the world. Fine, it says. Suddenly, she's gorgeous. You are the most beautiful woman. But now your husband is ten times more handsome than you. That’s ok, she says. He only has eyes for me. What’s your second wish? it asks her. I want to be the richest woman in the world. The frog then says, ok, but now your husband is ten times richer. That’s ok she says. What’s his is mine, what’s mine is his. OK, the frog says. That’s your last wish. What’s it gonna be? I want a mild heart attack. Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Golf Joke: Tee-off time Two friends are playing golf one day when one of them says to the other," I love golf, I hope that when we die there is golf in heaven." The other one agrees that he hoped so to. So the two agree that whoever dies first he would have to come back from the other-side and tell the other if there was. Years go by, when finally one of them ups and dies. Years go by when out of no-where the died one shows up at his friends side and goes, "Sorry it took so long but I have good news and I have bad news. So the live friend asks what’s the good news. "Well the good news is that we were right there is golf in the afterlife. Well what’s the bad news. The bad news is that it’s in hell and tee time is 4:30am, see you tomorrow... Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf quote: It's so bad I could putt off a tabletop and still leave the ball halfway down the leg. ~J.C. Snead, on his putting Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf quote: Any game where a man 60 can beat a man 30 ain't no game. ~Burt Shotten Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf quote: There are two things you can do with your head down — play golf and pray. ~Lee Trevino Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf quote: Golf is not just an exercise; it's an adventure, a romance... a Shakespeare play in which disaster and comedy are intertwined. ~Harold Segall Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf quote: There is one thing in this world that is dumber than playing golf. That is watching someone else playing golf. What do you actually get to see? Thirty-seven guys in polyester slacks squinting at the sun. Doesn't that set your blood racing? ~Peter Andrews Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf quote: The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~H.G. Wells, Bealby, 1915 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf quote: [Golf] is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture. ~Winston Churchill Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf quote: The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green. ~Ernest Hemingway Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf quote: One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball. ~Don Carter Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf quote: One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball. ~Don Carter Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf quote: Golf is hockey at the halt. ~Arthur Marshall, 1985 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf quote: I'm a golfaholic, no question about that. Counseling wouldn't help me. They'd have to put me in prison, and then I'd talk the warden into building a hole or two and teach him how to play. ~Lee Trevino Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf quote: Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf. ~Jack Benny Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf quote: Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backward. ~Ken Venturi, on Art Rosenbaum Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf Joke: The Saturday golfer He was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late. On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?" George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed." "Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is laying on her back?" George replies, "Then I am 10 minutes late." Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf Joke: Senile Golfer Phil loved golf, but his eye sight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Phil bring along her uncle John. Phil said, "But John is 80 years old and half senile!" His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible." Phil finally agreed and took John along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Ted, "Do you see it?" John nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!" Phil excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!" John said, "Hmmm. I forgot." Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 Golf Joke: Golf course Medical Emergency The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said. The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he would come and help." "The second hole??? when in the hell is he coming???" "Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Golf quote: A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well. ~Author Unknown Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Golf quote: Golf is a game in which the ball lies poorly and the players well. ~Art Rosenbaum Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Golf quote: One thing about golf is you don't know why you play bad and why you play good. ~George Archer Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Golf quote: Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards? ~Al Boliska Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Golf quote: If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him. ~Bob Hope Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Golf quote: Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off. ~Chi Chi Rodriguez Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Golf quote: "After all, golf is only a game," said Millicent. Women say these things without thinking. It does not mean that there is a kink in their character. They simply don't realise what they are saying. ~P.G. Wodehouse, Order by Golf, 1922 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Golf quote: Golf is not, on the whole, a game for realists. By its exactitudes of measurements it invites the attention of perfectionists. ~Heywood Hale Broun Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Golf quote: The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy Graham Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Golf quote: When I putt, my emotions collide like tectonic plates. It's left my memory circuits full of scars that won't heal. ~Mac O'Grady Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Golf Joke: Play as it lays Bill and Ralph, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and "play it as it lays" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. They drive up for the second shot, and the Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. But Ralph slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole. "Guess I get a free drop from the cart path," he says. "Oh no," says Bill, "We agreed. Play it as it lays." So Ralph drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin. Ralph drives back to the green. Bill says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use?" Ralph responds, "Your six iron." Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Golf Joke:A compatible gentleman Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro. "But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter." The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Gary. "How old are you?" George asked. "I'm ninety-four," Gary responded. "Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?" At this, Gary blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!" "Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf." George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Gary. "Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one. "Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Gary yelled. "Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?" Gary dropped his head, and muttered, "I forgot." Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 Golf Joke: He is really good Dick brings a friend to play golf with 2 of is buddies to complete a foursome. His buddies ask him if is friend can play gol,f Dick says that he is very good. This guy hits the ball on the first hole in the bush, so his buddies look at him and said you said your friend was a good golfer, Dick says yes he is watch him play. They see the ball come out of the bush on the green this guy takes 2 putts makes is par. Second hole par 3 this guy hits the ball in the lake, the 2 buddies looks at Dick again and say "you said this guy was good" Dick replies that this guy was a great player. So he walks in the the lake, 3 minutes later and they can't see the guy. All of a sudden they see a hand come out of the water, they tell Dick to dive in the lake to go get your friend, he's drowning, Dick replies "No, that means he wants a 5 iron". Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 Golf quote: Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun? ~Bob Hope Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 Golf quote: His driving is unbelievable. I don't go that far on my holidays. ~Ian Baker-Finch, on John Daly Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 Golf quote: John certainly gives it a good hit, doesn't he? My Sunday best is a Wednesday afternoon compared to him. ~Nick Faldo, on John Daly Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 Golf quote: I never pray to God to make a putt. I pray to God to help me react good, if I miss a putt. ~Chi Chi Rodriguez Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 Golf quote: Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out. ~Princess Anne of Great Britain Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 Golf Joke: Newly married A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, “How bad is it, doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way.” The doctor said , “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.” So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he’d ever seen them. She says, “You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts.” He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, “And look at this, it’s still in the CRATE!” Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 Golf Joke: The Saturday golfer It was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late. On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?" George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed." "Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is laying on her back?" George replies, "Then I am 10 minutes late." Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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