Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Dents

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. 

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" 
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ... 
"HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows" 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A woman rushes into the foyer ...

A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.

Yes, says the receptionist irritably.

Excuse me, says the woman, ‘but I’m in a frightful hurry, could you check me out, please?’

The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down. Not bad, he smiles, ‘not bad at all.’

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Chain Saw

Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chain saw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, Bubba barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of 1 ½ cords of wood. 

Bubba returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation. 
"Well", said the salesman, "let's see what's the matter." He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action. 

Leaping back, Bubba shouted, "What the heck is that noise?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Home in no time...

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Solving A Problem

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams.

 

First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam.

 

It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

 

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

 

Edited July 7, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: I get so drunk that I imagine things

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bird hunting

Three buddies, a General Practitioner, a physician and a Surgeon go shooting in the weekend. They see a flying bird and the General Practitioner says, "Looks like a Crane Hawk to me, but I am not sure."

The Physician says, "Well, it's wingspan seems to be that of a Crane Hawk, I am almost certain it is a Crane Hawk. But I couldn't exclude it being a Norther Goshawk.."

The Surgeon shoots the bird and waits for it to drop to the ground.

Holding the bird up, the Surgeon comments, "It was a Crane Hawk!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The boss of a big company need...

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Negligee

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. 

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" 

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Worm talk

The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?"

The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out."

The first worm says, "That's a good idea. Why don't you do that."

So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt.

At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway.

The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta wiz."

Her friend says, "Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here on the course."

"Do it right here. Nobody will know."

The first lady says, "You think so? Right here?"

Her friend says, "Yeah."

And she agrees to do it, because it helps the joke.

She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little golf dress and she squats.

She's just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly and he gets drenched.

He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet.

The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, huh?"

The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, but it's raining so hard the damm birds are building their nests upside-down!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stiff Neck

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down. "Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out and everybody can see!" he exclaimed.

Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering. 
"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again. 

Grandpa looked at him and said, "Son, last week I sat here with no shirt on, Just watching the cars go by.... and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Keep it simple

Three cobblers arrived in a town to try their luck and opened shop in the same lane.
John, the first cobbler, put a notice outside his door, “The best cobbler in the city”.

Not to be outdone, the second cobbler, Danny, hung a bigger notice that said, “The best cobbler in the world.”

The third cobbler, Michael, was wondering what to do and how to beat the best cobbler in the city and the best cobbler in the world.

An idea struck him. The next morning, he found quite a few customers waiting when he opened his shop. The notice on his door simply said, “The best cobbler in the lane.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where No Man has gone

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.

They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"

The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"

[worldangel]

Joke: In the country

Rita, a city girl was on her way to Arizona. Midway through her car broke down. She was in a soup and didn't know what to do. Out of the blue, a tribe man came on his horse.

 

He asked Rita if he could help. She told him it would help if he took her to the nearest town where she could find a mechanic. The tribe man agreed and Rita climbed up and settled behind him on the horse.

 

The ride was smooth but every now and then the tribe man would exclaim: “Aaaaa……ha” and took a big sigh. This happened a few times.
 

Edited July 8, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Generation gap?

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Got Nuts?

A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.

The guy says, "No, ma'am."
She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"

And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Manners

A religious farmer spent the day in the city.
In a restaurant for his noon meal, he sat near a group of young men.

After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman. "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Blonde Bet

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM 
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. 
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. 

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' 
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!' 

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. 
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.' 

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 PM news and so I knew he would jump.' 
The blonde replied, 'I saw it too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.' 
Bob took the money....
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Child of Divorce

I really hate the way I found out about my parent’s divorce.

 

What happened was, my mom took me out for ice cream, and she sat me down, she said, Michael, I’m leaving your father, I’m going off to marry another man, and I’m pregnant. And that was really messed up, cause that should have been three different trips to get ice cream.

Edited July 8, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Birthday resolution

It's Joe's 65th birthday and he makes a resolution to get his body back into shape.

He gets his physician's approval to join a gym and takes up an aerobics class for the elderly.

He bends, twists, gyrates, hops and perspires for an hour. But, by the time Joe got his leotards on, he realized the class is over.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A cocky State Highways employee...


A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The firecracker factory explosion

A firecracker factory is rocked by a huge explosion, and several people are injured. The injured are taken to the hospital, but not everyone survives.

An inquiry begins and several survivors are approached to make statements.

One such survivor, Sven, is asked by the investigator, "You were close to where the explosion happened, right? Tell me about it."
Sven replied, "Well, old Felix was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

The investigator is shocked. He says, "You sure he was smoking in the mixing room? How long had he been working for the company?"

Sven replied, "Yes. About 25 years, sir"
The investigator says, "He works 25 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

[worldangel]

Joke: Special gift

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Mental Hospital


After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”
“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.

Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Diet plan

My wife is overweight and has taken up a diet plan. Though I try and avoid desserts myself, I could not resist an ice-cream I saw in the refrigerator on a Sunday evening.

My wife retorted, "You know what is the most difficult part of my diet plan? It is not watching what I eat, it's watching what you eat."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Memory To Remember!

So this reporter checks in at some old hotel smack in middle of nowhere. Coming into the lobby, he is confronted with the strange sight of an old Indian, whittling stick, long black hair, reddish skin, sitting on one of the chairs as if he intends never to get up.

"That's Old Chief Forget-Me-Not," whispers the man behind the desk reverently, "he is allowed to stay here for free because he let me build my hotel on his reservation."

"Why the weird name?" whispers the reporter.

"Old Chief NEVER forgets anything that happened to him since he was two. Now he is 102. Fantastic memory."

Once the reporter has checked in, he decides to check out old Forget-Me-Not.

"Hey Chief!" he calls, "What'd you have for breakfast on the morning of your 21st birthday?"

"Eggs," replies the Chief without even looking up.

The reporter is so amazed, he jumps in his car and drives at least two hours over to where his other reporter friend is staying. Once telling the story over, both reporters jump in the car and drive right back two hours to the hotel, smelling a big scoop.

On the way, the second reporter tells the first: "Why don't you address the Chief more respectfully, so he'll demonstrate to us more?"

Following his friend's advice, the first reporter greets the Chief with a resounding "HOW!!"

"Scrambled," replies the Chief.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Great News

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said: "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said: "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A visit with Grandpa...

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cross-eyed dog...

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "let’s have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Special gift

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Building Security has notified...

Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office. Four of the five have been apprehended. Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody.

 

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot.

 

They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.

Edited July 9, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A guy was driving when a policeman...

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, 
"Is there a problem, Officer?" 

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" 

The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" 

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A guy walking down a street on...

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"

The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack."
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?"

The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Koala in a bar

A Koala walks into a bar.
A hooker comes up to the Koala and says, "hey hairy, want a date?"

The Koala says sure, and they sit in a booth in the corner.

The hooker and the Koala start to get-it-on and end up with the Koala performing oral sex on the hooker.

Afterwards the hooker tries to get her money, but the Koala refuses.

"Hey," says the hooker, "don't you know the definition of a hooker?"

And the Koala says, "No, sorry, I don't."

And the hooker says, "it's someone who has sex for money."

And the Koala says, "Well I guess you don't know the definition of a Koala."

"What's that?" asks the hooker.

"An animal that eats bushes and leaves."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Cowboy's Canine

A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. The passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog.

The cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get along little doggie."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A kindergarten teacher handed ...

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

 

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?"

 

Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

 

Edited July 9, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Cool Cat

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly. 

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up. 

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day." 

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. 

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. 
Two months later, her husband died. 

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" 

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two men are drinking in a bar....

Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye." The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, "OK, you're on.

 

"The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. Awhile later the first man says, "I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye." The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, "All right, you're on."

 

The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
 

Edited July 9, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A gift for his lady

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend's birthday.
As they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note, personal, but not too personal.

Accompanied by the girlfriend's younger sister, he went to Dillards and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties.

The guy sent the package to the girlfriend with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Wife renovating house

Gary asks his neighbor, "What should I do while my wife is renovating the house?"

The neighbor answers, "Keep yourself busy. If you are able to work with tools, you can complete the basement. When you're done, you'll at least have a place to live."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Burglary Witness

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Moth inspector

A man walks in his room after work and is suprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed. After careful examination he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains. He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there.

'Who the hell are you?' he yells.

The naked guy replies 'I'm the moth inspector'

'Oh yeah! what are you doing naked?'

He looks down and exclaims 'Oh my god! I'm too late!'
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A close shave...

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What is sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

 

She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

 

The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
 

Edited July 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: BEFORE AND AFTER


A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"

"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.

The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"

His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Three Vampires Go To A Bar


Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny was sitting in class ...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Bad Temper Problem

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!