Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Stop Credit Card Fraud


The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number. They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.

Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?

I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that thieves have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Three Blonds On Death Row

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Class discipline

 

Bernie, who was a school teacher by profession, injured his spine in an accident and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore a cotton shirt over it and it was not evident at all.

As the new term began, he was assigned to a senior class with the rowdiest students in school.

Walking confidently into the classroom, with the cast still under his shirt, Bernie opened the window wide and then got busy with some desk work. There was a strong breeze that made his tie flap, so Bernie simply picked up the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
The whole class of trouble-makers went silent.

Bernie had no problems with discipline in that term.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Kind Lawyer

 

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

 

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

 

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Joe, a college student, was taking ...

 

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready. 

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc. 

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got. 

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!" 

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!" 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Discussing Drinks

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. 

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" 
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. 
"How do *you* know, Sister?" 
"My Mother Superior told me so" 

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" 
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself" 
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" 
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" 

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know" 
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. 
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" 

"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?" 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: My Dad Scribbles

 

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The maids revenge

 

Just after the maid had been fired.

 

She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog.

 

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!

 

 

 

Edited July 15, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband for sale

 

A store where a woman may go to choose a husband has opened in the city.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

“You may visit this store only once! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.”

 

So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs.

 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 --These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That's nice,” she thinks. “But I want more.”

 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

 

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

Edited July 15, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Growing Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. 

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." 

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. 


One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" 
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: 100 pound pig

Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig.
The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".

Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".

The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".

The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".

The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot and cold...

A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"

"Yea! What is that?"

"Why that's a thermos!"

"What's it do?"

"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"

"I'll take it"

The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him, "What's that!"

"It's a thermos"

"What's it do?"

"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"

"So whatcha got in it?"

"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Three old ladies are sitting in a dinner ...

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

 

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!"

 

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
 

Edited July 16, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Never tell your age...

The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did my next door neighbors, Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill, tell you THEIR ages?" she asked.

"Certainly," he replied.

"Well, I'm the same age as they are!" she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

[worldangel]

Joke: Cooking class...

One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Now don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contempleted the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked.

"Because, she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Big ethical dilemma

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.
She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.

On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Co-Worker

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. 

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. 
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again. 

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again." 
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" 

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Out in the car...

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and the man's girlfriend kissing in the back seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar, laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That darned Pete!" the drunk chortled. "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband for sale

A store where a woman may go to choose a husband has opened in the city.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

“You may visit this store only once! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.”

 

So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 --These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

 

“That's nice,” she thinks. “But I want more.”

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

 

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

 

Edited July 17, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Winding up the tough guy

 

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.

 

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother."

 

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother."

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother."

 

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drank

 

 

Edited July 17, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 Joke: The waiter...

 

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

 

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

 

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

 

 

 

Edited July 17, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A dietitian was once addressing...

 

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A postcard...

"And will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

 

"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

 

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.

 

"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

 

Edited July 17, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Women Friends

 

I think that women can be friends with each other, but I think it can be tricky sometimes when you try and force women to hang out with each other.

 

You could never put together a heist of women. Like Oceans 11 with women wouldn’t work cause two would keep breaking off to talk sh*t about the other nine.

 

Edited July 17, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Potatoes!

 

One night there was three fugitives escaping from jail. One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a red-head.

 

They had the police hot on their trail and quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in. When all three were inside the red-head, quickly thinking said they should all hid in old potatoe sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.

 

They all got in their little potatoe sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door. They looked at the sacks and said 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these' The officer kicks the Red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises. 'Hmm just puppies in that sack' The officer kicks the Brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises.

 

'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and he hears.... 'POTATOES POTATOES!'

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: One day, a guy went into a store...

 

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.

He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.

The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.

He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.

As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.

He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.

He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.

The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds".

The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A lady walks into the drugstore...

 

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. 

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband." 
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" 

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. 

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife. 
He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Growing penis

 

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see an urologist.

 

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

 

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

 

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

 

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

 

 

Edited July 17, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

  Joke: Anybody, Anytime, Anywhere

A man walks into a bar and sees a good looking smart dressed woman perched on a barstool. He walks up behind her and says, “Hi there, good looking, how’s it going?”

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it.”

“No kidding? I’m a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Banker Wants Pockets

 

A young successful banker decides to get his first tailor made suit. So he visits the finest tailor in town and gets measured. A week later he goes in for his first fitting. He puts on the suit and he looks stunning, he feels that in this suit he can really do business.

As he is preening himself in front of the mirror, he reaches down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he finds that there are no pockets. He mentions this to the tailor. "Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?" the tailor asks. The young man answers, "Yes, I did."

The tailor says, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Peanuts In the Pond 

Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.

Judge: What were you doing?
1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.

Judge: And what were you doing?
2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.

Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: If I Give You A Dollar

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. And the bum says, “Mister, do you have a dollar you could spare me?”

The man thinks about the question for a bit and asks the bum, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to by liquor?” “No,” says the bum.

The man then asks the bum, “If I five you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?” Again the bum says, “No.” So the man says to the bum. “Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: If I Give You A Dollar

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. And the bum says, “Mister, do you have a dollar you could spare me?”

The man thinks about the question for a bit and asks the bum, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to by liquor?” “No,” says the bum.

The man then asks the bum, “If I five you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?” Again the bum says, “No.” So the man says to the bum.

“Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How much?


A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her

"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams

"Yes!"

The man then asks

"What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says

"What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says

"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."
 

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: I saw the light!

Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were both 102 years old. They had been married 74 years. The local television station sent a news crew out to interview them.

"What we need to do," the reporter explained, "is to interview you separately. It just seems to make for a better write-up, when we do it that way. So, if you don't mind waiting, Mrs. Thomas, we'll go out on the porch with your husband and visit with him for a few moments first."

After they were settled on the porch, the reporter began his interview. "Mr. Thomas, I know you get tired of people asking you this, but what do you think is the cause of your longevity?"

"Well..." Mr. Thomas drawled thoughtfully. "I get up early every morning. I eat pretty good, you know, garden food and such....and...oh, yeah! God talks to me!"

The reporter stared up at him to see if he was kidding. "You mean God actually talks to you?"

"Yep," the old-timer replied sincerely. "We're pretty close. In fact, when I have to get up and go to the bathroom during the night, God even turns the light on for me."

The reporter quickly excused himself and went in search of Mrs. Thomas. "I don't mean anything unkind by this, Ma'am, but is Mr. Thomas okay...mentally, I mean?"

"Why?" she asks curiously.

"Well, he says that when he goes to the bathroom at night, the Heaven on the light for him," the reporter explained.

"Oh, damn!" Mrs. Thomas said, irritably. "Has that old fart been pissin' in the refrigerator again?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Double Martini

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. 
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. 

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." 
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.

When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

[worldangel]

Joke: Airport Phone Fun

So when I get a phone call at the airport, Ill admit it, I like to have a little fun. Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear. People notice in a hurry. Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn’t be standing right here.

 

Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team! Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let’s move. Stand down, down blue team! Don’t -- hold on, the subjects approaching. He’s in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand. And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, Thank you for making our airways safe. And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.
 

Edited July 18, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The Three Sisters

There were three sisters aged 93, 95, And 99. They all lived together in one big house. The 99 year old decided to go upstairs and take a bath, but by the time she got the water run and got her clothes off she couldn't remember whether she was getting in the tub or just got out.

She called down to her 95 year old sister to come help her figure it out. But then by the time that sister got halfway up the stairs she couldn't remember if she was going up or going down.

The 93 year old sister had been watching and she said, "I hope I never get like you two!" and she knocked on wood.

The 95 year old said "Fine then! You come help us figure this out!"

"I will!" said the 93 year old, "Just as soon as I see who's knocking at the door."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: How Much?

A couple was having financial difficulties, so it was decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner motel and assured her that he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A man pulled up shortly after and asked her how much she wanted to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. Her husband told her to charge the client hundred bucks. She went back and informed the client, and he cried, “That’s too much!”

Then the man asked, “How much for a hand job?” She told him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much. The husband told her to charge forty bucks. She came back and informed the man and he felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear.

The woman noticed that the man was really well hung, so she asked him to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again and her husband asked, “Now what?”

Then the wife said, “Can I borrow sixty bucks?”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Bar Crawl

A man drinks at the pub until they close.

He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.

The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

[worldangel]

Joke: A true tech support story...

Tech Support: 'What does the screen say now.'
Person: 'It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'.'

Tech Support: 'Well?'

Person: 'How do I know when it's ready?'

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde gets haircut

A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting, she noticed that she was wearing a walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth. She asked the blonde, "Please take off the walkman so I can cut your hair." The blonde replied, "I can't do without it, just cut around it."

The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, "I just can't cut your hair properly while you are wearing that walkman. Please take it off." The blonde replied, "I just can't live without it, cut around it please." The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough.

The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the walkman off the blonde. Just as she did so the blonde froze, then fell out off the chair and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead. All were stunned! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde.

In a soft but commanding voice she heard, "Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A guy was driving when a policeman...

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" 

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" 
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." 

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned." 

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" 
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?" 
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Baloonist


A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'
The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. 

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." 

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mathematical Cure for Jealousy

I used to be jealous; I’m not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you’re jealous, it’s a cancer, it’s a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way -- I cured it with mathematics.

 

And I’m not a math person at all, but I’ve been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I’d like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once – I’m still winning.
 

Edited July 19, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Double Martini

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. 
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. 

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." 
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.

When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot Horseradish

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.

 

The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."

Edited July 19, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The Lawn

 

A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife keeps nagging him to mow the lawn. Finally, in between nags he blurts out, "Answer just this one question for me." 

She pauses momentarily, and he takes this opportunity to say, "You know, a Deer, a Cow, and a Horse, all eat grass. But a Deer's excretions are pellets, while a Cow makes flat pies, and a Horse makes clumps...why is that?" 

His wife says, "I don't know." 

He replies, "Well then, how can you bring up the subject of the lawn, when it's obvious you don't know sh*t?"

 

 

Edited July 19, 2016 by worldangel