Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Praise the Almighty

Mrs. Smith, an old lady who lived in the countryside, had a peculiar habit. She would step onto her front porch every morning, raise her arms to the sky, and yell, "Praise the Almighty!"

Her new neighbor, Mr. Fowler who had just moved in, happened to be an atheist. Mr. Fowler didn't like Mrs. Smith's morning ritual. So, he would retaliate by stepping onto his front porch after her and shouting: "There's no Almighty!".

Time passed with the two of them carrying on the same way every day.
One morning, when it was bitter cold, Mrs. Smith stepped onto her front porch and yelled: "Praise the Almighty! I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Almighty!"

The next morning when she stepped out onto her porch, she saw a big bag of groceries lying there.

"Praise the Almighty!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"
Her atheist neighbor, Mr. Fowler jumped out of the bushes and shouted: "There is no Almighty. I bought those groceries!"

Mrs. Smith threw her arms into the air and shouted: "Praise the Almighty! He has provided groceries for me and made the Devil pay for it!!!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Pick-up line

A man sees a gorgeous and sexy woman standing alone at a bar. After tossing back a couple of shots he gets the nerve to approach her and says: "Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long."

The woman looks at him for a moment and replies: "What a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my ass, but you'll never get it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde’s kids

A blonde was with her husband shopping and she decided that they would shop in different parts of the mall.
They meet in the middle 2 hours later and she announces, "I just got kids."

The husband stares amazed, looking at the kids he says, "Those are 2 baby goats!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Jobs at the food company...

One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.

After filing out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.

The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.

Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.

The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it.

The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.

The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.

The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."

[worldangel]

Joke: Billy Joe, the portrait artist

Billy Joe, though not a scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew far and wide...and soon people from all over the country were coming to his home town to have portraits done.

One day, a limousine pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful woman, and she asked Billy Joe if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Billy Joe. The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $75,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Jena, his missus.

In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 2+2

At a convention of blondes, a speaker insisted that "dumb blonde" myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked one cute young volunteer, "How much is 101 plus 20?"

The blonde answered, "120."

"No," he said, "that's not right."

The audience called out, "Give her another chance."

So the speaker asked the blonde, "How much is 10 plus 13?"

Slowly the blonde replied, "16."

"Sorry," he said, shaking his head. Once again the crowd roared, "Give her another chance."

"This is your last try," warned the speaker. "How much is 2 plus 2?"

Carefully she ventured, "Four?"

And the crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Once poor

A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to No-man land. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.

"Is the housewife in?" he asked. The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.

Husband: Guess what? I am rich.

Wife: How?

Husband: I went to ‘No-man land’, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.

Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: 50-50 partners...

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Essay Assignment

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex, mystery.

The prize winning essay read: "My Goodness!" said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Showing His Age

Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” as she processes his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Did You Pose for That?

A man sees a picture of his wife in the nude hanging at an art show and demands of her, "Did you really pose for that?"

"Don’t be ridiculous," she replies. "Of course not. The artist painted it from memory."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Big Game Hunting

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the older woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"

"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: That's Just Frost

A man is driving down an Alaskan road and his car breaks down. He phones the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrive shortly after.

The service man opens the hood and after a while says, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

The man replies, “No... that’s just frost on my mustache.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: It's Too Risky

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000; or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Sleeping Better At Night

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, They help me sleep better. The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Self-Made Man

A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house. While they eat, the friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, "Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?"

The kid says, "Daddy told me you were a self-made man."

"I am."

"Well, why did you make yourself like that?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Teacher: "Kids,what does the c...

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?" 

Student: "Meat!" 

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" 

Student: "Bacon!" 

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" 

Student: "Homework!"

[worldangel]

Joke: During training exercises, the...

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. 

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "*Yours* is." 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Passing A Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." 

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." 

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again. 
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." 
She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know." 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: What do you do?

"What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. 

"I'm a nurse." 

"I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear. 

"That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A man and his dog walk into a bar

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. 
Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: An eagle was sitting on a tree...

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. 
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 

Moral of the story: 
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Extra Money

This girl needed some money, so she is doing odd-jobs around her neighborhood. She decides she's not making enough money, so she goes to a rich neighborhood. She walks up to this house and rings the doorbell. The guy answers and tells her she can paint the porch. He gives her a can of paint and $25. When he goes inside, his wife says, "$25! Does she know that the porch wraps all the way around the house?"

"Oh, she'll do fine." the guy says.

An hour later, the doorbell rings. It's the girl. She says, "I'm finished. I even had some extra paint, so I put another coat on."

The guy is surprised. Then the girl says, "Oh, and by the way, that's not a Porsche, that's a Ferrari."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Bad Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. 

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." 
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Baloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault.'

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Survival techniques

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot Horseradish

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.

 

The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."
 

Edited July 12, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

 

 

Joke: A man walks into a hamburger shop

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad News, Good News, Great News

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two young men from up

Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. 

Ole says to the Sven, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?" 
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!" 
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one." 

Sven smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too." 
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?" 

Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Philosophical question

 

My friend, Zane is a philosopher. I have always thought philosophers like Zane truly appreciate the profound nature of life's deep questions. As a result, people like Zane are still struggling with the same questions that have been asked for centuries. Thus, they are the objects of ridicule on the part of scientists, who have less patience with such lack of progress.

For example, Zane asked me the other day, "If a tree falls in a forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound?"
This question has been posed by philosophers since ages, and there is still no philosphical consensus as to what the answer should be.

But when a scientist is asked the same question, he'll go off for short while, apply for a grant or two, and come back saying, "Well, we've solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the general case"!

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Burglar's secret

A man walks into a police station and asks to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.

"I'm sorry sir, but you'll get your chance in court,” says the duty officer.

“No, you don't understand,” says the man. “I want to know how he got in the house without waking the wife. I've been trying to do that for years.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Number Jokes


A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.

When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"

"Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Lost at Sea?

Yossi and Janine, an elderly couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East.

 

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives”

 

"Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course." 

"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?" 
"Of course." 

"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the charity organisation appeal?" 
"Oh my Goodness, I forgot to send off the cheque." 
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"
 

Edited July 13, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Burglar's secret

A man walks into a police station and asks to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.

"I'm sorry sir, but you'll get your chance in court,” says the duty officer.

“No, you don't understand,” says the man. “I want to know how he got in the house without waking the wife. I've been trying to do that for years.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The female dormitory will be ...

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" 

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fighting for Virginity

The guy walked into the bar (ouch) looking like he'd been run over by a truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his clothes torn. His friends bought him a beer, then asked, "What happened?"

The guy chugged the beer and said, "I was fighting for Joanne's virginity."

"No kidding?"

"Yeah. But that little tiger was determined to keep it."

[worldangel]

Joke: What would you like to hear?

 

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in Heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

 

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

 

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

 

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"

 

 

 

Edited July 13, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Looking for A Way Out

 

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it.

As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right. Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?"

"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

Edited July 14, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: How Long Has It Been?

 

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!”
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"

The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!?!"

 

 

Edited July 14, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: That's A Bit Much

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That’s a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That’s still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I’d like to see something really cheap and nasty."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

[worldangel]

Joke: He's Only Been There Twice

A good man Rich, was with his friends having a contest to see who could make the best drinking toast. He hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!" And that won him the prize that night.

He went home and told his wife that he won the prize for the best toast. She asked, "What was your toast?" Not wanting to get in trouble he said, "Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife."

The next day she ran into one of his buddies in the street. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Rich won the prize the other night with a toast to you Nicole."

She said, "So he did, and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lady sitting at home got a phone call ...

A lady sitting at home got a phone call. She answered it; a strange sounding man said, "This is the Viper. I am coming." the lady was frightened. 5 minutes later she got another phone call the same man replied" This is the Viper. I am almost there." The lady was terrified.

 

Another 5 minutes later the phone range again. It was the same man. He said, " I am coming up now." The lady was so scared she called the police. Before the police got there, a man walked in the door with a bucket of water and a window wiper.

 

The man said " I'm the Viper I vome to vipe your vindows!" 
 

Edited July 14, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Dear John...

The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying:

"Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others.

[worldangel]

Joke: Arguing About The Sign

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.
What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. 

The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away. 
Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please." 
Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man." 

Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!" 
Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!" 
The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders.

Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!? 
 

[worldangel]

 

 Joke: A couple is sitting on the porch... 

 

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine.

The wife says, "I love you." 

The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?" 

The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine." 

 

 

Edited July 14, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Pretty normal

 

A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling."

 

The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."

"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband too."

 

Edited July 14, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Supersex

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: 200 Bucks


A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell. 
The wife answers the door. 
"Hi, is Tony home?" 

"No, he went to the store." 
"Well, you mind if I wait?" 
"No come in." 

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." 

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. 
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." 

Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. 
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." 

Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Got used to sharing everything

An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

 

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

 

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking: "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

 

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine -- they were used to sharing everything.

 

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time, the old woman said: "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

 

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: "What is it you are waiting for?"

 

She answered: "The teeth."

 

 

 

Edited July 14, 2016 by worldangel