Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Time To Go Home

A plastered man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!" 

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" 

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" 

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk... Go home!" 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: If I Can Roll My Own

A guy goes into a store and asks the clerk, "Where would I find tampons?" 

The clerk says, "Isle 15." 

The guy goes to isle 15 and comes back with cotton balls and a roll of string. The clerk asks, "I thought you wanted tampons?" 

To which the guy replied, "I did, but the other night I asked my wife to go get me a pack of cigarettes and she came back with some Bugler and rolling papers... If I can roll my own, so can she!" 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Like A News Bulletin

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down." 

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin." 

"Why's that?" 

"Because it's brief, unexpected, and usually a disaster."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Is It Called?

What is it called when a man talks dirty to a woman?

Sexual harassment. 

What is it called when a woman talks dirty to a man? 

$3.99 a minute.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Won't Leave Him Yet

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, “Seems like all John and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I have lost ten pounds.” 

“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend. 

“Oh! Not yet,” the first replied. “I’d like to lose another fifteen to twenty pounds first.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Is It Better Now?

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she's having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?" She replies, "My head hurts." Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks, "Is it better now?" 

"Yes," she says. Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?" 

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses her lips. "Is it better now?" 

"Yes, much better,” and then she points to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck. Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rest In Peace

When her recently deceased husband’s will was read, a widow learned he had left the greater part of his fortune to another woman. 

Furious, she raised to change the inscription on her spouse’s tombstone. “Sorry, lady,” said the stonecutter. “I inscribed “Rest in peace” on your orders. I can’t change it now.”

“Very well,” she said grimly. “Just add ‘Until We Meet Again.’”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Did You Happen to See A Soldier?

A lawyer had just hired a new secretary. His secretary walks in with some papers and noticed that his fly was open. She tells him, "Hey, the barracks door is open." He didn't understand what she was talking about, and then he happened to look down and see that his zipper was open. 

Later, his secretary walks in and he says to her, "By the way, when you noticed that the barracks door was open, did you happen to see a soldier standing there?" 

She replies simply but nicely, "No, all I saw was an old veteran sitting on two saddle bags."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Skin Tight Leather Pants

Sitting at the bar and admiring the young woman tucked into her skin-tight leather pants, the single gentleman asks, “You’ve got to tell me, miss, how anyone gets into those pants?” 

“Well,” she says smiling, “he starts by buying me a drink.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Problems with the Herd

Bill and Roy, a couple of farmers, met at the town hardware store on Friday. “Had some problems with my herd," lamented bill. “My prize bull was impotent. But the Vet came and gave him some special medicine, and now he seems to be doing fine.” 

The following week, Roy met Bill again. “My bull’s had problems too,” comment Roy. “What was that medicine the Vet prescribed?” 

"I don’t know,” replied Bill. “But it tastes like chocolate.” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where Are You Going?

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." 

Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to go back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then, you used to kiss me." 

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then, you used to bite my neck." 

Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. 

"To get my teeth!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Size?

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk. 

"Gee, I don’t know." 

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. 

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. 

"What size?" 

The kid embarrassedly says, "I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. 

She grabs him and yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Checking Her Mailbox

This guy is sitting outside on his lawn when he sees his blonde neighbor walk outside and check her mailbox. With a confused look on her face, she walks back inside. Five minutes later, the blonde walks outside again to check her mailbox. Seeing that there is nothing in it, she walks back inside her house. Another five minutes later, the blonde comes back outside to check her mailbox. After watching the blonde check her mailbox 3 times in a row, the guy is pretty curious. 

When she starts to walk back inside again, he asks, "What are you doing?" 

She says, "My computer keeps telling me that I've got mail." 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: My Knock-Knock Joke

"Have you heard my knock-knock joke?" asked the blonde. 

"No," said the brunette. 

"Okay," said the blonde, "you start."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Now Everyone Has It

"Doctor,” said the man on the phone, “my son has scarlet fever!” 

“Yes, I know,” replied the doctor. “I came by your house and treated him yesterday. Just keep him away from the others in the house and …” 

“But you don’t understand,” said the troubled parent. “He’s kissed the maid!” 

“Well, that’s unfortunate. Now we’ll probably have to quarantine her…” 

“And, doctor, I’m afraid I’ve kissed the girl myself.” 

“This is getting complicated. That means you may have contracted the disease.” 

“Yes, and I’ve kissed my wife since then.” 

“Great,” exclaimed the doctor, “now I’ll catch it too!” 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Playground

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. 

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. 

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..." 
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. 
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..." 

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." 

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: "Doctor, Doctor, You've got to...

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!" 

"Do you drink a lot?" 

"Not really - I spill most of it!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good news and bad news....

A doctor enters into a patient's room and informs the patient that he has good news and bad news. He then asks the patient which news he would like to hear.

The patient responds, "Doctor, give me the good news."

The doctor says, "Well we are gonna name a disease after you."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Valet parking

The other day, my Grandpa was telling me that he always uses valet parking.

When I asked why, he replied that valets at least remember where they park your car.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: For 25 Cents

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Too Much Time at the

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.
Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."

Wife : Have you brought the grocery? Husband : Bad command or filename.

Wife : But I told you in the morning Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife : What about my new TV? Husband : Variable not found ...

Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...

Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters ...

Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are useless. Husband : It's by Default.

Wife : What about your Salary? Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.

Wife : What is my value in the family. Husband : Unknown Virus

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Do You Still Have Intercourse?

An elderly couple visits the doctor so the wife who is feeling poorly gets a checkup. The old man waits in the waiting room while the old lady is in the examining room. After a complete exam, the doctor brings the old woman into his office to ask her a few questions. “How are you sleeping?” he asks. 

“I get eight hours of sleep,” says the woman, “and sometimes I wake up to go the bathroom, but I have no problem falling back to sleep. Occasionally I take a 30 minutes nap in the afternoon, but all in all, I sleep just fine.” 

“How is your diet?” asks the doctor. 

“I have three well-balanced meals a day,” says the woman. “Sometimes I have a light snack between lunch and dinner, but I eat very well.” 

“Do you still have intercourse?” asks the doctor. 

“What?” replies the old lady. 

“Intercourse,” says the doctor. “Do you still have intercourse?” 

The old woman get up out of her chair and opens the door to the waiting room and asks her husband, “Honey, do we have intercourse?” 

The old man looks at her and says, “I have told you a thousand times, it’s Blue Cross Blue Shield!” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 5 shots

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay."

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone like pussy anymore?"

The guy says, "Yeah, my sister."

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a blonde. She had never...

There was a blonde. She had never been horseback riding and decided to try, even though she had no prior experience. So the blonde gracefully mounted the horse.

 

The horse started off at an easy gallop, the blonde thought she was doing quite well. When all of a sudden she began to slip! She tried to grasp the horse’s mane but it was too slick! So she decided to jump to safety....so she jumped, but her foot was caught in the sturrup!

 

She was at the mercy of the horse’s feet, and right before she was knocked unconcious.... the manager of wall-mart walked out and turned the horse off

 

Edited August 14, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Blonde and Psychiatrist

 

A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist.

Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Market broker

I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained Amy, my yoga batch mate and the wife of a stock market broker.

 

"All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

 

Edited August 14, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Eating Out

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. 

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" 
"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." 

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: General director

Mark met his former class-mate, Bruce and they had a good talk about their school days.

The topic diverted to their current occupations.

“I am a general director of my own company,” boasted Bruce.

“But I came to know from common friends that you were just a director,” said Mark.

“It was earlier when I was alone, but now I hired a guy, and there are two people in the company - he is the director, and I am the general director.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A dying man’s wish...

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: It's wise to remember how easily...

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked here-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercings cream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: There was a little old lady who...

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her. 

So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her. 
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval. 

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that! 

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." 

Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car." 

Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two blondes, Carol and Patt...

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Brewery accident...

Brenda McCarthy is home making dinner for her husband Patrick when Tim Finnegan knocks at her door.

"May I come in, Brenda darlin'?" says Tim sadly, "I've somethin to tell ya."

"Of course, Tim, come in, but where's Patrick?" she asks.

"That's what I'm here to be tellin ya, Brenda," says Tim. "There was an accident down at the Brewery."

"Oh, God NO!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me....."

"I'm so sorry, darlin'" says Tim, his voice breaking, "Your dear husband Patrick is dead."

Brenda buries her face in her hands and asks tearfully "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was a terrible thing to see, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But tell me true, Tim, did he at least die quickly?"

Tim hesitated. "Well, no, darlin, not really, no."

"NO?"

"No, in fact he got out three times to pee."

[worldangel]

Joke: The wedding...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dumb men

The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. 

The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless. 

"Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong." 
"Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly."

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" 
"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: 25 years of marriage

After 25 years of marriage, I took a look at my wife one day and said:

"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

But my wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she'd make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Eating Out

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. 

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" 
"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." 

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

[worldangel]

Joke: A miracle for a drink...

A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Magic elevator

 

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Honey pie

After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room.

One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time.

The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Double vodkas

 

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

"Yeah, my wife..."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Items for prison

 

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said,
"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating"...

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The curse

 

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Special day

 

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: You’re beautiful

 

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Comforting words

 

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jackass

 

This man walks into a bar. He sits on a bar stool & says to the bartender, "Hey jackass, bring me a shot."

 

The bartender brings him a shot. The man slams it down & yells again, "Hey jackass, bring me another shot," and gets up to go to the bathroom.

 

While the man is gone, another guy sitting at the bar asks the bartender, "Why do you let him call you that?"

 

The bartender responds, "He aw- He aw- He always calls me that."

 

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: The farmer

One day a farmer wakes up to go check on his cheese cow. He walks up and finds her dead in the grass. The man is so upset he kills himself.

 

Then his wife wakes up. She finds her husband dead and goes to the lake and kills herself. Next the first son wakes up and notices everybody is dead. He goes down to the river and sees a mermaid.

 

She swims up to him and says, "Having a bad day, huh? I'll tell you what. If you make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring everyone back to life. But if you don't, I will kill you." He tries to do it, but doesn't make it. She kills him.

 

Then the second son wakes up and after seeing his dead parents, also goes to the river where he sees his dead brother. The same mermaid swims up and tells him what she told his brother.

 

He asks, "If I make love to you 20 times, what will you do?" She tells him, "If you are able to perform 20 times in a row, I will bring everyone back and make you the richest man alive."

 

He then asks, "Well if I do it 20 times in a row, what's stopping you from dying? That's what happened to the cow."

[worldangel]

Joke: Friend for supper

 

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Want a divorce?

 

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"