Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The doctor...

The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy. 

"Fortunately" he continued, "this hospital has perfected the procedure, however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will therefore have to pay. 

We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing £30,000 and a male brain at £100,000" 

"Why is the male brain so expensive?" asked the patient. 

"Oh, that's easy, male brains are hardly used." 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Banging pussy

There were two prostitutes, one was very beautiful and the other was ugly. The beautiful prostitute used to make around $1,000-$3,000 a month but the ugly one made around $10,000-$13,000.
Confused to why the fuck the ugly one made more money than her, the beautiful prostitute went to the ugly one and asked her.

"Hey girl ! How are you? Looks like you're doing great, you bought a new car and an apartment, where did you get the money ?".

On this the ugly bitch replied. "Actually I play games with my customer and so I earn a lot, maybe more than you . What I do with my customer is that when we have intercourse I put a small firecracker in my pussy and when it blows up , I start shouting oh you blew up my pussy you bastard, scared that this may put them in trouble my customers end up paying me $500-$800 to get away".

Hearing this, the beautiful blonde prostitute went to the shop

to buy some firecrackers, but as the less power crackers were not available that day she bought a huge powerful firecracker and went to work.

While having intercourse she put the big bomb in her pussy and it went off with a huge bang. Then the prostitute started shouting as planned " You blew up my pussy ...You blew up my pussy".

On this the customer replied ," You bitch, the hell with your pussy, where the fuck is my DICK ".
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three drunks hailed a taxi...

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here.

The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us. 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Unusual affair

 

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.”

His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.”

Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I'm serious,” Paddy says. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Proud daddy...

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

A few days later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: How good was I?

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.

They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.

There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, "So, how was I?"

She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Secretary

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary. Afraid of sexual harassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.

But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.

"Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"

Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gone Camping

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect lake camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."

So here I am.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No Razors in Halloween Candy

There’s no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn’t make financial sense. It’s not fiscally prudent.

 

How much does a piece of candy cost -- like, a penny and a half? An apple like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They’re so expensive, they don’t even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I’m trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Spoke to the Animals

A traveling salesman goes to a farm house.

The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but you’ll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, That’s exactly right.

He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, you’ve owned him for 10 years. He goes, That’s incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked.

"Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said.

"Yes, I did," he told her.

"My Goodness, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked.

"Oh... she got fired too."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ma and Pa

Ma & Pa were on the porch & Pa said, " You know, Ma, I'd sure like a big bowl of ice cream."

"OK, Pa", she said, as she shuffled off toward the kitchen.

"Write it down," he said, "...you'll forget"

"Oh, Pa, don't be silly"

"Write it down" he said, "cause I want some chocolate syrup on it.", he insisted.

"Ice cream..with chocolate syrup" she said, as she walked into the kitchen. 10, 15, 20 minutes passed and finally Ma came out & handed Pa a big bowl of oatmeal.

"See, Ma, what'd I tell you....you forgot the toast."


 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Future value


A tourist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years, it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The tourist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here, is the check for $900," he said. "It's postdated six years from now."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A doctor at an insane asylum decided...

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too jealous to handle!

What could be the extent of your jealously?

I know of a woman who was so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hair on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Occupational Hazard

Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.
She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!".

The men agree and she gives them a room.

That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection."

She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawn moving business."

So the woman finds a lawn mover and off goes his dick.

The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry."

So she finds a saw and off does his dick.

The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! "Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you!?!"

He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young woman said to her doctor...


A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over.' 'What do you mean?' said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, 'Ow, that hurts.'

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.' Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts.' The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?' 'Why yes,' she said. 'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wanna see my underwear?

The blind date hadn't been all that great and Susan was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She took one look and said, "Nice design. Does it also come in men's sizes?"
 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Sherlock Holmes & Dr. Watson...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Is Calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.'' There was a stony silence for a second or two. 

''Do you know who you are speaking to?'' 
''No,'' said Paddy. 

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.'' 
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' 

''No,'' roared the colonel. 

''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Daughter In College

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellow head for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. 

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. 

The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Iron this?!

A young man went to Victoria's Secret to buy a Christmas present. The clerk brought out a nightie that cost $50.00 and the man said,"Oh, I can afford more than that". So she brought a skimpy pair of panties for $100.00 He again said,"Oh, I can afford more than that".

So she went in the back room and beautifully wrapped an empty box and said that will be $250.00. He took it home, handed it to his wife and asked her to try the gift on. She took the package upstairs, opened it and saw nothing in it. She came down stairs in her birthday suit and said, "How do you like it?"

He said, "Fine, but for that much money you would think they would iron it".

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Are Blind Pilots Flying?

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Where did The Blood Come From?


Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hugh came into the office an hour late

Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time. Hugh?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Hugh sighed and said, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office."

"You'll have to do better than that. Hugh," replied the boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Beware of dog...

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

[worldangel]

Joke: How They Make Latex Gloves

A doctor was preparing to examine a patient. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he put on his surgical gloves. “Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked. 

“No,” she replied, “How?” 

“Well, in the glove factory there’s a large tank of latex. The workers, who are lined up according to hand size, walk around until the latex dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and start the process all over again.” 

Seeing that he wasn’t getting the laugh he had hoped for, the doctor began the exam without further delay. Five minutes later, the woman began to giggle. 

“I’m sorry,” she said, blushing. “It just occurred to me how they must make condoms!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A $500 Porsche

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, "It's worth a shot." 

So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche. 

"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?" 

"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?" 

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'

 

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: Will You Pose for Me?

Johnny asks Cathy: Would you like to pose to me? 

Naked? 

Yes! 

I must tell you that I'm not a model... 

So what, I'm not a painter.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The GREAT Dentist

A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. So the girl looks at him and says, "You must be a dentist?" 

The guy, surprised, says, "Yes, how did you figure that out?" 

The girl replies, "Easy, you keep washing your hands." 

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a GREAT dentist!" 

The guy says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?" 

"Easy... I didn't feel a thing."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Supermarket Free Samples

Q: Do you know why there are so many sex perverts at the supermarket? 

A: Because the baker shows you his buns, the butcher will show you his meat, and there's some woman in the store that always gives out free samples!

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Check Out Those Ears

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him, as they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. 

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let’s go to my apartment, I hear somebody coming." He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leaned against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" 

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears??? Look at these breasts. They are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my buns are firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" 

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: My Dad, the Scaredy Cat

Two kids are arguing over whose father was the biggest scaredy cat. Tommy says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bead.” 

Peter replies, “Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Let Her Go Crazy

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." 

"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist. 

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Which Finger Was It?

A man calls his wife from the Emergency Room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he was working. 

“Oh, my goodness!” cries his wife. “The whole finger?” 

“No,” replies the man, “the one next to it.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The New National Symbol

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance. 

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed. It just doesn’t get more accurate than that.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Now You Are Sorry

An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat, Fu-Fu. A fairy appears and says, ”I’m here to grant you three wishes.” 

The old woman says, “I wish I was twenty-years old and beautiful again.” Poof! She is. 

“Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion.” Poof! Done. 

“And now I wish that Fu-Fu was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me.” 

Poof! Suddenly she’s in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says, “Darling, aren’t you sorry you had me fixed?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Did the Doctor Say?

A woman goes to her gynecologist for her annual exam and comes home and says to her husband, "Honey, the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old." 

"Oh yeah," says her husband, "what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?" 

"Oh," she says, "he never mentioned you."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Counting with Fingers 

TEACHER: Brian, what's one plus one?
The kid holds up his fingers and counts two.
BRIAN: Two

TEACHER: Good job, what's three plus three?
The kid holds up his fingers and counts six.
BRIAN: Six

TEACHER: Good job, now put your hands in your pocket and tell me what's five plus five?
The kid put his hands in his pocket and starts counting in his head and tells the teacher.
BRIAN: Eleven.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Head and Shoulders

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.

The man gets off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A man and his wife were sitting...

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Yo Mama so poor

Yo mama so poor...

...when I rang the doorbell of her house the toilet flushed

...when I went through front door of her house I ended up in the backyard

...when I went into her house and stepped on a ciggarette, she said,"hey who turned off the heater?"

...when I went into her house a cockroach tripped me and an ant stole my wallet.

[worldangel]

Joke: What does the cow say?

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. 
Mother: 'What does the cow say?'

Child: 'Moooo!'
Mother: 'Great! What does the cat say?' 
Child: 'Meow.'

Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, 'Bud.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Freak Accident

I went to a Six Flags. There’s this new ride there; I had to wait in line for, like, four hours to get on this thing.

 

Finally got on it, it was fine enough. But then I see a couple of weeks later in the news, this girl goes on the exact same ride and, in some freak accident, her legs got lopped off at the knees.

 

I was like, What a terrible thing to happen to all of those people waiting in line.

 

Edited August 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde Car Accident


One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
 

 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Fuzz

Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane.

He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.

"Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"

"What did ya expect ?" Phoebe sez, "A perm?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good grades...

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said...

"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking...."

[worldangel]

Joke: Air freshener

One day a blonde was driving on the highway and got pulled over by a cop. The cop said "Why do you keep swerving?"

 

The blonde replied "I turn one way and there's a tree, I turn again there's a tree, and then there's a whole bunch more trees popping out of nowhere."

 

The cop replied "You idiot that's your air freshener."
 

Edited August 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Girls Night Out...

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."