Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Dealing With A Lawyer


A big city Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. 

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. 

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" 
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, 
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Second-hand goods

A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: "So, how do you like using second-hand goods?"

"Doesn't bother me," the new husband replies. "Once you get past the first three inches, it's all brand new."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What she Really Means...

What she Really Means

I need = I want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...

I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

I was wrong = Not as wrong as you

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Baseball boy...

A little boy walked up to home plate in an empty baseball field, with his bat and ball in hand.

As he threw the ball up in the air, he proclaimed, "I am the best ball player ever!" He swung with all his might, but missed.

He did the same thing and missed again.

He picked up the ball, tossed it up one more time, said "I am the best ball player in the world!" Then he swung and missed again.

"Wow!" he said. "What a pitcher!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good thinking

Two brunettes and a blonde are driving in the desert when, all of a sudden, their car breaks down.

As none of them have any motoring knowledge, they decide to walk. Each of them decides to take one thing with her.

The first brunette takes some food in case she gets hungry, the second brunette takes some water in case she gets thirsty and the blonde takes a car door.

When questioned about her choice, the blonde replies:


"Well, if I get hot, I can roll down the window!"

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Play Your Age

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the
roulette she

says, "I have no idea what number to play."

A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.

Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.

The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.

The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I know him

A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Microsoft Support

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How much?


A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her "Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams "Yes!"

The man then asks "What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says "What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says "We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Baseball heaven?

 

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" 

Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is basebal l in heaven." 

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...." 

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" 
"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe. 

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" 
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news." 

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol. 
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." 

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" 

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: An Antartian boy and his father...

 

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Matzo Balls

 A family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the couple announced, "This is matzo ball soup."

On seeing the 2 large matzo balls in the soup, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the couple pressed the Gentile man, "Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."

Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzo ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. Liking it, he quickly finished the soup.

"That was delicious," he said. "Can you eat any other parts of the matzo?"

 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Newest Son-in-law


A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." 

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." 
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." 

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." 
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" 

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What would you like to hear?

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in Heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Predict the Words

I don’t like cell phones.

I’m never sending another text message as long as I live because I don’t like a phone that tries to predict the words I’m trying to send to people.

Cause I move quickly.

Last week I ended up sending a text that read, Hey baby, I had a great night. I hope you have a home day.

But I meant to text, you should get tested.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Backhanded Compliment

Guys have said to me, You know, Jessi, part of what makes you so pretty is you have no idea how pretty you are. And then they’re just like, Enjoy. And I’m like, That is not nice. That is like, at best, that’s like a backhanded compliment.

And at worst, that’s just like a forehanded insult because I know that what that sentence really means is, Part of what makes you so pretty is that your self-esteem is so low, its easier for me to f**k you.
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Shirt Pocket

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini. 

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." 

The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A blonde, worried about the HIV...

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.

"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

"Tax," replies the clerk.

"Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde and computers

Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course?) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?" she asked.

I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.

"Oh, you mean the condom!", she said.

"Condom???", I asked.

"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."

By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):

"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What does two plus two equal?

A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What does two plus two equal?" The statistician says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What does two plus two equal?"

The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bottled Water

A man and a woman are in a supermarket. They are standing in
front of the water aisle.

The man wonders aloud, "Who would buy all this expensive

Evian water anyway?"

The woman says, "Evian... It's naive spelled backwards."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What does two plus two equal?

A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What does two plus two equal?" The statistician says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What does two plus two equal?"

The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: You're Having Twins

The young girl was seated in her doctor’s office. “Our tests indicate that you are pregnant,” said the physician, “and there is every indication that you are going to have twins.”

“But how can that be, doctor?” the girl protested. “I’ve never been out on a double date in my life!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a man driving a pick...

There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine

The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him.

Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'" "I said, I never felt better in my life."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Proud Of Daddy

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic ..

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction."

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Wet pussy

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: ABC

Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.

"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."

"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?

"It's running down my leg."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Perfect...

 

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl .. the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Perfect...

 

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl .. the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Business Trip

A man went on a business trip to Far East Country and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happen, if this does not work?' 

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'. 

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on. 

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee. 

The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in Far East. We read from the right to the left.'
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A pregnant woman gets into a car ...

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. 

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. 

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." 

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" 

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" 

"Denise," the doctor says. 

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" 

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew. 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Skydiving...

Ole was to learn skydiving. He was told that shortly after jumping out of the plane he was to pull the short rip cord and that will open a small parachute which will open the large chute and if by chance the large chute fails to open, he should pull the other cord which will open the large parachute. He was told that a car will be on the ground to take him back to the airport.

Ole jumps out of the plane and proceeds to pull the first cord. The small chute doesn't open so he pulls the last cord and the large parachute doesn't open either. Ole thinks to himself, "It will be just my luck that the car won't be there either"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Barfing

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I won’t drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 Dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Won!

A blonde walked in a diner and orders a cup of coffee. When she gets her drink, she notices that it has a "contest game piece" on the side of the cup. She peels off the sticker and instantly starts screaming, "I won a motor home!" She continues shouting, "I won a motor home!" until the waitress decides to get her boss.

"What's the problem here?" the manager asks.

"I won a motor home!" she shouts again.

"That's impossible!" he replies. "We didn't give out motor homes."

She says "Well, it says so on this sticker."

The boss takes the sticker and reads it. It says: "Win a bagel."


 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A police officer sees a man driving ...

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." 

The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!" 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Problems Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." 

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. 

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" 

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: College Grads

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"

A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Blonde and the Blinker

Two blondes were driving down the road.

The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

[worldangel]

 Joke: How Do You Pronounce Kissimee?

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee.

They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Competition at the retirement home

An old man and an old woman are together every night. They aren't married, but for years and years they have spent every night together. All they ever do is sit on the couch buck naked and watch TV while she holds his weiner.

Every night, like clockwork, they do this - sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his weiner.

One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - no show. She calls him up.

"Where you been?" "Oh ... I've been down at what's her name's." "What are you doing there?"

"Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my weiner."

"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"

"Parkinson's."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Who drives you?

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Detective test

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man calls home to his wife a...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Christmas gift...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Send the Wine Back

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read: "Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No sleep walking!

 

It was bedtime for Little Ted and he insisted on taking his bicycle to bed with him.

His mother, a little surprised by the strange request, asked him why he wanted to do that.

Ted replied, "Mom, I don't want to walk in my sleep!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Behave like a rabbit

Mari was telling her girlfriend Rosie about the gent she met on a trip to Vegas.
"He took me to his condo overlooking the strip in Vegas, we had some wine and then he showed me all these expensive jewels.

There was an emerald cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."

"Impressive." said Rosie.

"Well... yes." Mari agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Strippers in Med School

I meet a lot of strippers, and they always say the same thing: I’m paying my way through medical school.

Now, if that’s the truth, why is that you never meet a doctor that used to be a stripper? You’d think they’d be everywhere.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Quit Smoking

A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking. 

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." 

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." 
He replied, "But they stunt your growth." 

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied he never had. 

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"