Had a break in a relationship and wish to share my thought here and seeking your feedback. Thanks

[Guest tm_]

Sorry for the long post but would really appreciate it if you can read it all and share your thoughts. I desperately need it especially from people like us in this LGBT circle. Thanks.

 

Hi, I'm 32 this year and my partner is 30. We met through Grindr app and have since been in relationship for 3 years and a half now. This is my first ever relationship and so I admit that I am very inexperienced on this and is immature at times which led to a break that my partner decided a couple of days ago. 

 

I am the kind of person who is a bit more emotional and romantic while my partner is the total opposite. During the early time of our dating (like first 6 months into our relationship), he had been very sweet and attentive to me. He would text me occasionally every day to say that he miss me or simply just to ask about my day. I love this constant attention that he gave me. He is a top and I am a top. As I do love him and in our first ever ex, I was willing to be bottom for the first time for him. Painful but I was willing to do it as I love him. Ever since, I have been bottom all the way for him. We never treat it as sex but as a true love-making session, a way for us to express love to each other and get intimate closely. 

 

After a year into dating, I had an idea of us moving in together (rent a room and live together). He initially reluctant but agree to do so after few months of thought. We had been doing fine in the first few months after moving together. He had a serious snoring issue which affected my sleep almost every night but I do still wish to sleep by his side. He also sometime woke up from his sleep in the midnight and talk or did some minor actions deriving from his dreams that sometime frighten me out of my sleep. It's strange but I do like all these little gestures of him. I just enjoyed being with him.

 

However, after that few months, it felt like he is my roommate rather than my partner. He wanted to do his own thing more (go out for walk alone, etc) without asking me to join. I gave him some space and let him be. I myself also do my own thing too. I respected that. We only went out for a dinner outside once every weekend as a simple date. The following is more of a concern; he is not interesting on having sex with me anymore. Previously we did it like once in a month, then once in 2 months, then slowly turning to once in a year. More on this later. He never been sweet to me anymore. No more sweet gesture or text anymore. I accepted that since he told me before that's his personality (which is somehow so different to how he treat me in the beginning of our relationship).

 

Then on early last year, he decided to go on a working holiday abroad. I decided to drop everything and join him. I personally wanted to take a break too from my stressful career here in SG. We had a wonderful time during the 7 months long working holiday. However, there were always these little actions from him that felt like he was not caring or loving me anymore. We never had sex during these working holiday (I thought maybe he was tired and want to just focus on the working holiday). When I was sick and I told him, he would just ignore it and continue on doing his own stuff downstair in the living room while I rest in bedroom upstair alone. We occasionally argue too (well, this is sort of common for any relationship so I didn't think too much about this point). 

 

We came back to SG on February this year. He decided to continue on the working holiday at the same place and this time with two of his friends. Well, he didn't ask me to join. I myself also personally bounded by the unpaid leave from my previous employer and I have to get back to work. Hence, I didn't come along. Before we start our long distance relationship, I tried to initiate more meet up with him before he leave by end of February so that I am able to spend more time with him before he goes. He told me he tried to agree to some of the meet up as he was busy meeting up with his friends in SG and had some work to do before he leave. I understand. I also knew him as I have been with him for this long. He is like this all the time. He is the kind of person who puts a balance to everything (he prioritizes me and also friendship-he has a lot of friends), he thinks very logically (which is good but sometimes I think love has to be illogical), and he consider convenience first before everything else (for example he won't purposely spend extra buck or travel the extra distance to seize the chance to see me two hours earlier after a month of not seeing each other...he just won't do it).

And we did argue on this topic several times in the past but never had a solution as he insisted he would never change his personality. 

 

Then, I arrange for a quick staycation at JB one week before he leave to continue his working holiday. It's like our last two nights together and of course I would like to cherish the moment. Once we back to hotel in the evening, he wanted to do his own thing (research on his accommodation and stuff for his working holiday). I then tried to flirt him but he told me he doesn't have mood. I then insist and he was finally willing to engage sex with me. However, it was just a quick sex and he couldn't stay hard long and couldn't cum. He told me he jerk off that morning before we go to JB. 

 

Then next day, he wanted to follow his one group of friends to play badminton. I agreed and followed him. I initially thought that we can go dating right after that. However, after the badminton, the group had more things planned and were all the way up to the end of the day. My partner happily agreed (well, I told u before he do enjoy being with friends and spending time with them). My mood turned not well as it was our last dating day before he goes. I did gave him hint but he ask me to go back hotel first while he want to continue to catch up with his friends. I'm more heartbroken at this point. He realized that but it's already too late as it's already almost end of the day (evening already) and went back to hotel together with me while his group of friends also ended the day. Once back in our room, he pretend nothing happen. However, I brought the issue up so that we can discuss together. I told him that the whole day gathering is perfectly fine if there are still many days ahead for us to date. But this is actually our last day to date before he goes. And he decided to spend it with his friends and not realizing how important it is to me. Then we quarrel. I cried and he never come to console or hug me or anything. This time it's a big quarrel. I also highlighted to him on our sex life. I told him that I even have to resort to losing my dignity yesterday for begging him for sex yesterday. Then he confessed to me saying that he had no interest to have sex with me anymore especially after staying together for so long like those old couple. He knew it is a problem but decided to keep quiet all along. I was yet painfully heartbroken again. Then I told him that we have just been staying together for two years and he already had this feeling. We are still young adult and is normal for me to have such need. He just brush it off and told me if I was willing to wait for him after he finish this working holiday and come back by July and see whether he has improve on his part. I agreed. He even suggested that I could go on an open relationship and find other for sex since he couldn't satisfy me. I told him I couldn't do so as I find that as cheating and not loyal to my partner if I engage in sexual relationship with others.

 

He then left for working holiday. It was our first time experiencing long distance relationship. I have very few friends here. I have been too used of living together with him, having him by my side everyday. Hence, going back to living alone was quite a big challenge to me. Hence, I do constantly text him and get emotional easily. I propose we had a video call on every Sunday and he agreed (do you notice I initiate all these all the time and not a single time from his side?). During video call, I would want to stay as long as possible, share as many little things from my side as possible to him. I just wanted to see him longer. On his other end, he felt tired and sleepy all the time, showing all the signs that he is not interested on listening, he had no topics to share and then want to end the call every time. It's always until midnight only he had time to had this video call with me and he appear very sleepy every time. I tried to understand that and I did highlight to him that I'm hoping he would be more proactive on next call. But he just never did. On everyday, he will only text me 'good night' right at the moment before he sleep, not giving me some time for us to at least have a bit of live chat before the end of day (I even didn't request for this to be daily but just for some time only). He told me he was tired. Sometime I would just want to chat with him 'live' but he said just text him and he will reply next day. Well, ok. I understand he was really busy with his work, his friends, his all sort of gatherings over there that would made me jealous sometime while I was all alone here. I just couldn't avoid feeling it. 

 

There was a time when I get emotionally unstable (perhaps is depression) and I told him I needed his attention and care a bit more that couple of days. I just wanted to have a chat with him or hear his voice that will motivate me to stay on. He doesn't have the time for me. He joined his housemates for party and got drunk. I needed to call him (I seriously need him that moment) but he just ignore my message. He then reply me after few hours that he was tired and drunk and how about a call tomorrow. I told him I just needed a quick one. He agree. But we then quarrel again due to my poor state of mind and mood that time. I was really unwell those few days. He never text and ask me how I feel. I express my thought to him on why he wouldn't text. He said I need to tell him frankly and directly and only then he will ask. To be honest, I did try that approach last time but he still be as he is (will still never ask me how I feel back). Then he told me again the same things (he prioritizes time with friends, he is still sticking with his personality, blah blah blah). I told him I never actually wanted him to change (since I already knew him for so long and love him the way he is). I just wanted him to improve, to sacrifice a little, to sometime give way and to put a little effort to make a relationship works. I always believe a one-sided relationship is unhealthy. Then he defended himself by saying he did put effort and just that I can't see it. These problems will not be solved forever and we are just running in circles. I agree to this but I do sincerely promise that I will do more to make this work. I ask him to promise and he say he can't. He told me he don't simply promise. Does that mean I simply made promise? I don't know.

 

I texted him that I missed him and asked him whether he missed me after few days. He didn't reply me back. My mood that day turned bad again. Imagine your partner not even reply ur text but still had time to do his stuff, play his phone, etc. I ask him why he didn't reply me after more than half day. He should have had all the time to finish busy with his stuff and come back to me. He then told me and he said those question gave him stress and I should know by now that he is not that kind of sweet person. He told me that he is now afraid every single time I ask him things, I texted him or I call him. In conclusion, he told me I gave him a lot of stress and that he also know he affected my mood a lot. Yup...I couldn't disagree to that. He then propose we go on a break three days ago. We promise to give us space in this time (but didn't specify any timeframe) to evaluate. 

 

I couldn't hold it and I texted him again yesterday telling him that I seriously miss him and wanted to just have a chat with him as I couldn't find anyone else to chat. He was online but only texted me back three hours later. I'm glad he did agree for the voice call. He listen to what I wanted to say but he was very cold to me from his voice. He told me to move on and share my stuff with my close friend or family. I was really afraid of losing him especially after listening to him being so cold to me yesterday. I was just calm. I told him I admit that I made mistakes. I admit that I was wrong and childish especially the last few weeks of this long distance relationship and that I think I do really over dependent on him too much. I told him I am willing to improve and I still love him no matter what. I did emphasize to him that I'm not trying to give him stress and i will give him time during this so-called 'break'. I also told him I do realize after the two days of silence that he did put in effort on our relationship in the past and I'm sorry that I only saw it this late after thinking heavily. I also told him not to blame himself for what he had done to me as he informed me that he did blamed himself for hurting me. This is all part of learning process for us to grow better. I really wanted to maintain this relationship. I guess now I just need to give him space and time and while I quietly missing him from my side here. Sorry for such a lengthy post. What's your take on this? Would appreciate if you have some feedback on my situation. Sincere thanks. 

[Guest Move on]

It may be hard, but it's time to move on.

[Guest tm_]

Thanks for the feedback. But i think is more easier said than being done. I do hope he will realize that in the end, he still love me. But from what I have been experiencing from him lately, that feeling is really fading away. 

 

I really wish to make this relationship work. I don't mind to adapt or give in more as I really love him. Is really not easy to take one person off your mind after being together for nearly 4 years. I know many would still ask me to move on but I admit I'm stubborn too.

 

It also felt very bad in me thinking I have invested so long on this relationship and it ended up not working out. It was like 4 years wasted. Hence, I have this thing in me to pull me and persuaded me to stay on. Hmmmm....

[Guest Try and see]

Generally, a needy guy, whether gay or straight, is a huge turnoff.

 

I should know because I was like that in my younger days, and it brought a lot of suffering to myself and those around me.

 

In your situation, I agree with the earlier post that you should move on. Don't try to force it with that guy anymore.

 

I've ever observed a female co-worker try extremely hard to make a guy like her. The guy was not into her. But she even took leave from work to travel to his country (where he was studying overseas) to surprise him.

 

In the end, she just looked foolish in the eyes of her co-workers (myself and the others in the team).

 

Anyway, hope you can let this guy go.

Sorry if this is brutal or unpleasant to hear.

[Guest ffffffff]

Can see where you are coming from. You invested a lot and want the relationship to work. The first relationship is like that. And you are too dependent on him emotionally. Not healthy.

 

The problem is your partner does not want the relationship anymore and he's trying to leave you. His disinterest and nonchalant behavior already says it.

 

It will be hard. But see other people. You probably find someone more suitable.

 

To use an analogy. I was a loyal customer at this store. They started to take me for granted and give me attitude. It was a bit hard to stop shopping there as I really like the stuff.

 

Anyway I discovered another store with better prices and products and haven't looked back.

 

And the old store closed down.

 

I might have brought up things that have hurt your feelings . Sorry on advance.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

[Steve5380]

You are 32 years old, and it is perfectly fine if you are not an expert in relationships yet.    You must have a lot of good qualities for having stayed in the relationship for 3 1/2 years with a guy who has a personality that is not one of the best.  So, consider yourself fortunate and valuable.

 

You and your bf must be educated and with good feelings,  therefore the partnership worked fine for a good while.  But, being so complex as we are,  there is never a guarantee that a relationship develops in due time a sincere, authentic love.  This is the base for a long, endless relationship,  while sexual attraction is desirable but not essential. Maybe your bf is inexperienced in real love,  except for his love for himself.  Maybe this makes him a questionable partner, not able to hold a long term relationship neither with you nor with anyone else.  He might have to live with this, or learn with time.

 

If your current relationship ends, don't see it as a loss.  You have gained experience, and we all learn from our ended relationships.  At 32 you have plenty of time to have many other ones.   Don't blame him, nor blame yourself.  Keep a positive attitude now that with more experience your chances of success are higher.  If possible, change your attention and energy from the ended relationship to yourself,  you are at an ideal age to cultivate the best and healthiest lifestyle with good nutrition, exercise and free of stress.  You will become more attractive, and being more experienced,  soon new young candidates will arrive to fill the void left by the ex-boyfriend.  Maybe someone who is also emotional and romantic,  maybe a bottom who will match with you as a top, but more important than that,  someone who can reciprocate the feelings that you may have for him.  We can have many tries,  but it is sufficient that one of them clicks...  and you have a partner for life.  

.

 

Edited April 2, 2023 by Steve5380

[Guest tm_]

Thanks again for all the feedback so far. but i would also like to highlight one point that i may have missed earlier. We didn't actually break-up yet. he just proposed a 'break' but I also do sense that this may probably just lead to break-up eventually and is just prolonging the pain if the outcome is indeed as said earlier. 

 

I just have a wishful thinking that during this period, we both truly evaluates and study our issues and see it in another perspective. he did said to me he will do that. i still have a hope that he still see a future in this relationship like i do. right inside my heart, i think he still love me too and just that he is never good at expressing such thing. I can feel it especially after thinking deeply during that two days of silence where the start of our 'break' is. or am i just consoling myself and not willing to accept the truth?

 

just wondering how should i get through this period of uncertainty?

[Guest Dignity]

First off I don't think there's anything wrong per se with a person having strong attachment. It's actually healthy to have emotional needs and a need to connect in a relationship. That's the whole point of pairing up with someone. What's bad is when it gets too extreme to the point of being uncomfortable and toxic - which I will concede, the tolerance level is different for everyone. But in any case, you seem to be a person with great self-awareness so I don't think "needy" is the issue here.

 

From what I can make of this, somewhere along the way, your dude unfortunately lost interest or fell out of love, and instead of trying to rekindle the relationship, he just stopped giving a damn. Cowardly. I'm sorry to say this, but he's as good as gone now; he's obviously "checked out" of the relationship. The "break" only confirms this.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm telling you - you need to respect and love yourself more. Move on. Don't waste any more time on a person who doesn't appreciate it, who chose to give up rather than work on things. You deserve better. 

 

Take good care. It will be okay.

 

 

[Guest Nobita]

5 hours ago, Guest tm_ said:

Sorry for the long post but would really appreciate it if you can read it all and share your thoughts. I desperately need it especially from people like us in this LGBT circle. Thanks.

 

Hi, I'm 32 this year and my partner is 30. We met through Grindr app and have since been in relationship for 3 years and a half now. This is my first ever relationship and so I admit that I am very inexperienced on this and is immature at times which led to a break that my partner decided a couple of days ago. 

 

I am the kind of person who is a bit more emotional and romantic while my partner is the total opposite. During the early time of our dating (like first 6 months into our relationship), he had been very sweet and attentive to me. He would text me occasionally every day to say that he miss me or simply just to ask about my day. I love this constant attention that he gave me. He is a top and I am a top. As I do love him and in our first ever ex, I was willing to be bottom for the first time for him. Painful but I was willing to do it as I love him. Ever since, I have been bottom all the way for him. We never treat it as sex but as a true love-making session, a way for us to express love to each other and get intimate closely. 

 

After a year into dating, I had an idea of us moving in together (rent a room and live together). He initially reluctant but agree to do so after few months of thought. We had been doing fine in the first few months after moving together. He had a serious snoring issue which affected my sleep almost every night but I do still wish to sleep by his side. He also sometime woke up from his sleep in the midnight and talk or did some minor actions deriving from his dreams that sometime frighten me out of my sleep. It's strange but I do like all these little gestures of him. I just enjoyed being with him.

 

However, after that few months, it felt like he is my roommate rather than my partner. He wanted to do his own thing more (go out for walk alone, etc) without asking me to join. I gave him some space and let him be. I myself also do my own thing too. I respected that. We only went out for a dinner outside once every weekend as a simple date. The following is more of a concern; he is not interesting on having sex with me anymore. Previously we did it like once in a month, then once in 2 months, then slowly turning to once in a year. More on this later. He never been sweet to me anymore. No more sweet gesture or text anymore. I accepted that since he told me before that's his personality (which is somehow so different to how he treat me in the beginning of our relationship).

 

Then on early last year, he decided to go on a working holiday abroad. I decided to drop everything and join him. I personally wanted to take a break too from my stressful career here in SG. We had a wonderful time during the 7 months long working holiday. However, there were always these little actions from him that felt like he was not caring or loving me anymore. We never had sex during these working holiday (I thought maybe he was tired and want to just focus on the working holiday). When I was sick and I told him, he would just ignore it and continue on doing his own stuff downstair in the living room while I rest in bedroom upstair alone. We occasionally argue too (well, this is sort of common for any relationship so I didn't think too much about this point). 

 

We came back to SG on February this year. He decided to continue on the working holiday at the same place and this time with two of his friends. Well, he didn't ask me to join. I myself also personally bounded by the unpaid leave from my previous employer and I have to get back to work. Hence, I didn't come along. Before we start our long distance relationship, I tried to initiate more meet up with him before he leave by end of February so that I am able to spend more time with him before he goes. He told me he tried to agree to some of the meet up as he was busy meeting up with his friends in SG and had some work to do before he leave. I understand. I also knew him as I have been with him for this long. He is like this all the time. He is the kind of person who puts a balance to everything (he prioritizes me and also friendship-he has a lot of friends), he thinks very logically (which is good but sometimes I think love has to be illogical), and he consider convenience first before everything else (for example he won't purposely spend extra buck or travel the extra distance to seize the chance to see me two hours earlier after a month of not seeing each other...he just won't do it).

And we did argue on this topic several times in the past but never had a solution as he insisted he would never change his personality. 

 

Then, I arrange for a quick staycation at JB one week before he leave to continue his working holiday. It's like our last two nights together and of course I would like to cherish the moment. Once we back to hotel in the evening, he wanted to do his own thing (research on his accommodation and stuff for his working holiday). I then tried to flirt him but he told me he doesn't have mood. I then insist and he was finally willing to engage sex with me. However, it was just a quick sex and he couldn't stay hard long and couldn't cum. He told me he jerk off that morning before we go to JB. 

 

Then next day, he wanted to follow his one group of friends to play badminton. I agreed and followed him. I initially thought that we can go dating right after that. However, after the badminton, the group had more things planned and were all the way up to the end of the day. My partner happily agreed (well, I told u before he do enjoy being with friends and spending time with them). My mood turned not well as it was our last dating day before he goes. I did gave him hint but he ask me to go back hotel first while he want to continue to catch up with his friends. I'm more heartbroken at this point. He realized that but it's already too late as it's already almost end of the day (evening already) and went back to hotel together with me while his group of friends also ended the day. Once back in our room, he pretend nothing happen. However, I brought the issue up so that we can discuss together. I told him that the whole day gathering is perfectly fine if there are still many days ahead for us to date. But this is actually our last day to date before he goes. And he decided to spend it with his friends and not realizing how important it is to me. Then we quarrel. I cried and he never come to console or hug me or anything. This time it's a big quarrel. I also highlighted to him on our sex life. I told him that I even have to resort to losing my dignity yesterday for begging him for sex yesterday. Then he confessed to me saying that he had no interest to have sex with me anymore especially after staying together for so long like those old couple. He knew it is a problem but decided to keep quiet all along. I was yet painfully heartbroken again. Then I told him that we have just been staying together for two years and he already had this feeling. We are still young adult and is normal for me to have such need. He just brush it off and told me if I was willing to wait for him after he finish this working holiday and come back by July and see whether he has improve on his part. I agreed. He even suggested that I could go on an open relationship and find other for sex since he couldn't satisfy me. I told him I couldn't do so as I find that as cheating and not loyal to my partner if I engage in sexual relationship with others.

 

He then left for working holiday. It was our first time experiencing long distance relationship. I have very few friends here. I have been too used of living together with him, having him by my side everyday. Hence, going back to living alone was quite a big challenge to me. Hence, I do constantly text him and get emotional easily. I propose we had a video call on every Sunday and he agreed (do you notice I initiate all these all the time and not a single time from his side?). During video call, I would want to stay as long as possible, share as many little things from my side as possible to him. I just wanted to see him longer. On his other end, he felt tired and sleepy all the time, showing all the signs that he is not interested on listening, he had no topics to share and then want to end the call every time. It's always until midnight only he had time to had this video call with me and he appear very sleepy every time. I tried to understand that and I did highlight to him that I'm hoping he would be more proactive on next call. But he just never did. On everyday, he will only text me 'good night' right at the moment before he sleep, not giving me some time for us to at least have a bit of live chat before the end of day (I even didn't request for this to be daily but just for some time only). He told me he was tired. Sometime I would just want to chat with him 'live' but he said just text him and he will reply next day. Well, ok. I understand he was really busy with his work, his friends, his all sort of gatherings over there that would made me jealous sometime while I was all alone here. I just couldn't avoid feeling it. 

 

There was a time when I get emotionally unstable (perhaps is depression) and I told him I needed his attention and care a bit more that couple of days. I just wanted to have a chat with him or hear his voice that will motivate me to stay on. He doesn't have the time for me. He joined his housemates for party and got drunk. I needed to call him (I seriously need him that moment) but he just ignore my message. He then reply me after few hours that he was tired and drunk and how about a call tomorrow. I told him I just needed a quick one. He agree. But we then quarrel again due to my poor state of mind and mood that time. I was really unwell those few days. He never text and ask me how I feel. I express my thought to him on why he wouldn't text. He said I need to tell him frankly and directly and only then he will ask. To be honest, I did try that approach last time but he still be as he is (will still never ask me how I feel back). Then he told me again the same things (he prioritizes time with friends, he is still sticking with his personality, blah blah blah). I told him I never actually wanted him to change (since I already knew him for so long and love him the way he is). I just wanted him to improve, to sacrifice a little, to sometime give way and to put a little effort to make a relationship works. I always believe a one-sided relationship is unhealthy. Then he defended himself by saying he did put effort and just that I can't see it. These problems will not be solved forever and we are just running in circles. I agree to this but I do sincerely promise that I will do more to make this work. I ask him to promise and he say he can't. He told me he don't simply promise. Does that mean I simply made promise? I don't know.

 

I texted him that I missed him and asked him whether he missed me after few days. He didn't reply me back. My mood that day turned bad again. Imagine your partner not even reply ur text but still had time to do his stuff, play his phone, etc. I ask him why he didn't reply me after more than half day. He should have had all the time to finish busy with his stuff and come back to me. He then told me and he said those question gave him stress and I should know by now that he is not that kind of sweet person. He told me that he is now afraid every single time I ask him things, I texted him or I call him. In conclusion, he told me I gave him a lot of stress and that he also know he affected my mood a lot. Yup...I couldn't disagree to that. He then propose we go on a break three days ago. We promise to give us space in this time (but didn't specify any timeframe) to evaluate. 

 

I couldn't hold it and I texted him again yesterday telling him that I seriously miss him and wanted to just have a chat with him as I couldn't find anyone else to chat. He was online but only texted me back three hours later. I'm glad he did agree for the voice call. He listen to what I wanted to say but he was very cold to me from his voice. He told me to move on and share my stuff with my close friend or family. I was really afraid of losing him especially after listening to him being so cold to me yesterday. I was just calm. I told him I admit that I made mistakes. I admit that I was wrong and childish especially the last few weeks of this long distance relationship and that I think I do really over dependent on him too much. I told him I am willing to improve and I still love him no matter what. I did emphasize to him that I'm not trying to give him stress and i will give him time during this so-called 'break'. I also told him I do realize after the two days of silence that he did put in effort on our relationship in the past and I'm sorry that I only saw it this late after thinking heavily. I also told him not to blame himself for what he had done to me as he informed me that he did blamed himself for hurting me. This is all part of learning process for us to grow better. I really wanted to maintain this relationship. I guess now I just need to give him space and time and while I quietly missing him from my side here. Sorry for such a lengthy post. What's your take on this? Would appreciate if you have some feedback on my situation. Sincere thanks. 

Breakups can be challenging and difficult to navigate, and it's completely normal to feel a range of emotions during this time. It's important to take the time to process your feelings and work through the emotions that may come up.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that breakups can be an opportunity for growth and self-reflection. Take some time to reflect on what you've learned from the relationship, what you appreciated about it, and what you would do differently in the future. This can help you gain clarity and move forward with a greater sense of self-awareness and intention.

 

It's also important to prioritize self-care during this time. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally, and surround yourself with people who support you and uplift you. This could include spending time with friends and family, practicing self-care activities like exercise or meditation, or seeking support from a therapist or counselor if needed.

 

Finally, remember that healing from a breakup takes time. Be patient with yourself and trust that with time, you will start to feel better and find a sense of peace and closure. Allow yourself to feel your emotions fully and take the steps you need to heal and move forward in a positive direction.

[Guest Story]

5 hours ago, Guest tm_ said:

Sorry for the long post but would really appreciate it if you can read it all and share your thoughts. I desperately need it especially from people like us in this LGBT circle. Thanks.

 

Hi, I'm 32 this year and my partner is 30. We met through Grindr app and have since been in relationship for 3 years and a half now. This is my first ever relationship and so I admit that I am very inexperienced on this and is immature at times which led to a break that my partner decided a couple of days ago. 

 

I am the kind of person who is a bit more emotional and romantic while my partner is the total opposite. During the early time of our dating (like first 6 months into our relationship), he had been very sweet and attentive to me. He would text me occasionally every day to say that he miss me or simply just to ask about my day. I love this constant attention that he gave me. He is a top and I am a top. As I do love him and in our first ever ex, I was willing to be bottom for the first time for him. Painful but I was willing to do it as I love him. Ever since, I have been bottom all the way for him. We never treat it as sex but as a true love-making session, a way for us to express love to each other and get intimate closely. 

 

After a year into dating, I had an idea of us moving in together (rent a room and live together). He initially reluctant but agree to do so after few months of thought. We had been doing fine in the first few months after moving together. He had a serious snoring issue which affected my sleep almost every night but I do still wish to sleep by his side. He also sometime woke up from his sleep in the midnight and talk or did some minor actions deriving from his dreams that sometime frighten me out of my sleep. It's strange but I do like all these little gestures of him. I just enjoyed being with him.

 

However, after that few months, it felt like he is my roommate rather than my partner. He wanted to do his own thing more (go out for walk alone, etc) without asking me to join. I gave him some space and let him be. I myself also do my own thing too. I respected that. We only went out for a dinner outside once every weekend as a simple date. The following is more of a concern; he is not interesting on having sex with me anymore. Previously we did it like once in a month, then once in 2 months, then slowly turning to once in a year. More on this later. He never been sweet to me anymore. No more sweet gesture or text anymore. I accepted that since he told me before that's his personality (which is somehow so different to how he treat me in the beginning of our relationship).

 

Then on early last year, he decided to go on a working holiday abroad. I decided to drop everything and join him. I personally wanted to take a break too from my stressful career here in SG. We had a wonderful time during the 7 months long working holiday. However, there were always these little actions from him that felt like he was not caring or loving me anymore. We never had sex during these working holiday (I thought maybe he was tired and want to just focus on the working holiday). When I was sick and I told him, he would just ignore it and continue on doing his own stuff downstair in the living room while I rest in bedroom upstair alone. We occasionally argue too (well, this is sort of common for any relationship so I didn't think too much about this point). 

 

We came back to SG on February this year. He decided to continue on the working holiday at the same place and this time with two of his friends. Well, he didn't ask me to join. I myself also personally bounded by the unpaid leave from my previous employer and I have to get back to work. Hence, I didn't come along. Before we start our long distance relationship, I tried to initiate more meet up with him before he leave by end of February so that I am able to spend more time with him before he goes. He told me he tried to agree to some of the meet up as he was busy meeting up with his friends in SG and had some work to do before he leave. I understand. I also knew him as I have been with him for this long. He is like this all the time. He is the kind of person who puts a balance to everything (he prioritizes me and also friendship-he has a lot of friends), he thinks very logically (which is good but sometimes I think love has to be illogical), and he consider convenience first before everything else (for example he won't purposely spend extra buck or travel the extra distance to seize the chance to see me two hours earlier after a month of not seeing each other...he just won't do it).

And we did argue on this topic several times in the past but never had a solution as he insisted he would never change his personality. 

 

Then, I arrange for a quick staycation at JB one week before he leave to continue his working holiday. It's like our last two nights together and of course I would like to cherish the moment. Once we back to hotel in the evening, he wanted to do his own thing (research on his accommodation and stuff for his working holiday). I then tried to flirt him but he told me he doesn't have mood. I then insist and he was finally willing to engage sex with me. However, it was just a quick sex and he couldn't stay hard long and couldn't cum. He told me he jerk off that morning before we go to JB. 

 

Then next day, he wanted to follow his one group of friends to play badminton. I agreed and followed him. I initially thought that we can go dating right after that. However, after the badminton, the group had more things planned and were all the way up to the end of the day. My partner happily agreed (well, I told u before he do enjoy being with friends and spending time with them). My mood turned not well as it was our last dating day before he goes. I did gave him hint but he ask me to go back hotel first while he want to continue to catch up with his friends. I'm more heartbroken at this point. He realized that but it's already too late as it's already almost end of the day (evening already) and went back to hotel together with me while his group of friends also ended the day. Once back in our room, he pretend nothing happen. However, I brought the issue up so that we can discuss together. I told him that the whole day gathering is perfectly fine if there are still many days ahead for us to date. But this is actually our last day to date before he goes. And he decided to spend it with his friends and not realizing how important it is to me. Then we quarrel. I cried and he never come to console or hug me or anything. This time it's a big quarrel. I also highlighted to him on our sex life. I told him that I even have to resort to losing my dignity yesterday for begging him for sex yesterday. Then he confessed to me saying that he had no interest to have sex with me anymore especially after staying together for so long like those old couple. He knew it is a problem but decided to keep quiet all along. I was yet painfully heartbroken again. Then I told him that we have just been staying together for two years and he already had this feeling. We are still young adult and is normal for me to have such need. He just brush it off and told me if I was willing to wait for him after he finish this working holiday and come back by July and see whether he has improve on his part. I agreed. He even suggested that I could go on an open relationship and find other for sex since he couldn't satisfy me. I told him I couldn't do so as I find that as cheating and not loyal to my partner if I engage in sexual relationship with others.

 

He then left for working holiday. It was our first time experiencing long distance relationship. I have very few friends here. I have been too used of living together with him, having him by my side everyday. Hence, going back to living alone was quite a big challenge to me. Hence, I do constantly text him and get emotional easily. I propose we had a video call on every Sunday and he agreed (do you notice I initiate all these all the time and not a single time from his side?). During video call, I would want to stay as long as possible, share as many little things from my side as possible to him. I just wanted to see him longer. On his other end, he felt tired and sleepy all the time, showing all the signs that he is not interested on listening, he had no topics to share and then want to end the call every time. It's always until midnight only he had time to had this video call with me and he appear very sleepy every time. I tried to understand that and I did highlight to him that I'm hoping he would be more proactive on next call. But he just never did. On everyday, he will only text me 'good night' right at the moment before he sleep, not giving me some time for us to at least have a bit of live chat before the end of day (I even didn't request for this to be daily but just for some time only). He told me he was tired. Sometime I would just want to chat with him 'live' but he said just text him and he will reply next day. Well, ok. I understand he was really busy with his work, his friends, his all sort of gatherings over there that would made me jealous sometime while I was all alone here. I just couldn't avoid feeling it. 

 

There was a time when I get emotionally unstable (perhaps is depression) and I told him I needed his attention and care a bit more that couple of days. I just wanted to have a chat with him or hear his voice that will motivate me to stay on. He doesn't have the time for me. He joined his housemates for party and got drunk. I needed to call him (I seriously need him that moment) but he just ignore my message. He then reply me after few hours that he was tired and drunk and how about a call tomorrow. I told him I just needed a quick one. He agree. But we then quarrel again due to my poor state of mind and mood that time. I was really unwell those few days. He never text and ask me how I feel. I express my thought to him on why he wouldn't text. He said I need to tell him frankly and directly and only then he will ask. To be honest, I did try that approach last time but he still be as he is (will still never ask me how I feel back). Then he told me again the same things (he prioritizes time with friends, he is still sticking with his personality, blah blah blah). I told him I never actually wanted him to change (since I already knew him for so long and love him the way he is). I just wanted him to improve, to sacrifice a little, to sometime give way and to put a little effort to make a relationship works. I always believe a one-sided relationship is unhealthy. Then he defended himself by saying he did put effort and just that I can't see it. These problems will not be solved forever and we are just running in circles. I agree to this but I do sincerely promise that I will do more to make this work. I ask him to promise and he say he can't. He told me he don't simply promise. Does that mean I simply made promise? I don't know.

 

I texted him that I missed him and asked him whether he missed me after few days. He didn't reply me back. My mood that day turned bad again. Imagine your partner not even reply ur text but still had time to do his stuff, play his phone, etc. I ask him why he didn't reply me after more than half day. He should have had all the time to finish busy with his stuff and come back to me. He then told me and he said those question gave him stress and I should know by now that he is not that kind of sweet person. He told me that he is now afraid every single time I ask him things, I texted him or I call him. In conclusion, he told me I gave him a lot of stress and that he also know he affected my mood a lot. Yup...I couldn't disagree to that. He then propose we go on a break three days ago. We promise to give us space in this time (but didn't specify any timeframe) to evaluate. 

 

I couldn't hold it and I texted him again yesterday telling him that I seriously miss him and wanted to just have a chat with him as I couldn't find anyone else to chat. He was online but only texted me back three hours later. I'm glad he did agree for the voice call. He listen to what I wanted to say but he was very cold to me from his voice. He told me to move on and share my stuff with my close friend or family. I was really afraid of losing him especially after listening to him being so cold to me yesterday. I was just calm. I told him I admit that I made mistakes. I admit that I was wrong and childish especially the last few weeks of this long distance relationship and that I think I do really over dependent on him too much. I told him I am willing to improve and I still love him no matter what. I did emphasize to him that I'm not trying to give him stress and i will give him time during this so-called 'break'. I also told him I do realize after the two days of silence that he did put in effort on our relationship in the past and I'm sorry that I only saw it this late after thinking heavily. I also told him not to blame himself for what he had done to me as he informed me that he did blamed himself for hurting me. This is all part of learning process for us to grow better. I really wanted to maintain this relationship. I guess now I just need to give him space and time and while I quietly missing him from my side here. Sorry for such a lengthy post. What's your take on this? Would appreciate if you have some feedback on my situation. Sincere thanks. 

 

Wow I must say NOT bad your story garnered some responses (I said story).  

 

Why I can spotted it as story not real because, too many DOESNT make sense incidents.  

Not sure how much time you spent writing it and your brain cell to come up with this story 

Why not use the same amt of time , spent time w your parents as bonding.  Whatsapp an old friend how life for catch up or do nothing just relax w TV or music 

 

Unless u seriously wu-liao and so much of an attention seeker! 

I cannot prove I am right but any right frame of mind under logical sense WILL not do what u did here ...... only u know the truth and only u know what u gain out spending time writing such long story

 

 

 

 

[Guest tm_]

8 minutes ago, Guest Story said:

 

Wow I must say NOT bad your story garnered some responses (I said story).  

 

Why I can spotted it as story not real because, too many DOESNT make sense incidents.  

Not sure how much time you spent writing it and your brain cell to come up with this story 

Why not use the same amt of time , spent time w your parents as bonding.  Whatsapp an old friend how life for catch up or do nothing just relax w TV or music 

 

Unless u seriously wu-liao and so much of an attention seeker! 

I cannot prove I am right but any right frame of mind under logical sense WILL not do what u did here ...... only u know the truth and only u know what u gain out spending time writing such long story

 

 

 

 

Hi there. I'm just here to share my real issue that I face recently and would just like to ask for some guidance or advice. Nothing more. 

[Guest Story]

51 minutes ago, Guest tm_ said:

Hi there. I'm just here to share my real issue that I face recently and would just like to ask for some guidance or advice. Nothing more. 

Orrrgh.  U want nice nice sayang story , or real hard cold facts or like i spotted this type see peh wu liao attention seeking story 

Choose one, I will cater to u , afterall I am free now until dinner time .... faster can my dog begging me to walk him 

[singalion]

7 hours ago, Guest tm_ said:

Sorry for the long post but would really appreciate it if you can read it all and share your thoughts. I desperately need it especially from people like us in this LGBT circle. Thanks.

 

Hi, I'm 32 this year and my partner is 30. We met through Grindr app and have since been in relationship for 3 years and a half now. This is my first ever relationship and so I admit that I am very inexperienced on this and is immature at times which led to a break that my partner decided a couple of days ago. 

 

I am the kind of person who is a bit more emotional and romantic while my partner is the total opposite. During the early time of our dating (like first 6 months into our relationship), he had been very sweet and attentive to me. He would text me occasionally every day to say that he miss me or simply just to ask about my day. I love this constant attention that he gave me. He is a top and I am a top. As I do love him and in our first ever ex, I was willing to be bottom for the first time for him. Painful but I was willing to do it as I love him. Ever since, I have been bottom all the way for him. We never treat it as sex but as a true love-making session, a way for us to express love to each other and get intimate closely. 

 

After a year into dating, I had an idea of us moving in together (rent a room and live together). He initially reluctant but agree to do so after few months of thought. We had been doing fine in the first few months after moving together. He had a serious snoring issue which affected my sleep almost every night but I do still wish to sleep by his side. He also sometime woke up from his sleep in the midnight and talk or did some minor actions deriving from his dreams that sometime frighten me out of my sleep. It's strange but I do like all these little gestures of him. I just enjoyed being with him.

 

However, after that few months, it felt like he is my roommate rather than my partner. He wanted to do his own thing more (go out for walk alone, etc) without asking me to join. I gave him some space and let him be. I myself also do my own thing too. I respected that. We only went out for a dinner outside once every weekend as a simple date. The following is more of a concern; he is not interesting on having sex with me anymore. Previously we did it like once in a month, then once in 2 months, then slowly turning to once in a year. More on this later. He never been sweet to me anymore. No more sweet gesture or text anymore. I accepted that since he told me before that's his personality (which is somehow so different to how he treat me in the beginning of our relationship).

 

Then on early last year, he decided to go on a working holiday abroad. I decided to drop everything and join him. I personally wanted to take a break too from my stressful career here in SG. We had a wonderful time during the 7 months long working holiday. However, there were always these little actions from him that felt like he was not caring or loving me anymore. We never had sex during these working holiday (I thought maybe he was tired and want to just focus on the working holiday). When I was sick and I told him, he would just ignore it and continue on doing his own stuff downstair in the living room while I rest in bedroom upstair alone. We occasionally argue too (well, this is sort of common for any relationship so I didn't think too much about this point). 

 

We came back to SG on February this year. He decided to continue on the working holiday at the same place and this time with two of his friends. Well, he didn't ask me to join. I myself also personally bounded by the unpaid leave from my previous employer and I have to get back to work. Hence, I didn't come along. Before we start our long distance relationship, I tried to initiate more meet up with him before he leave by end of February so that I am able to spend more time with him before he goes. He told me he tried to agree to some of the meet up as he was busy meeting up with his friends in SG and had some work to do before he leave. I understand. I also knew him as I have been with him for this long. He is like this all the time. He is the kind of person who puts a balance to everything (he prioritizes me and also friendship-he has a lot of friends), he thinks very logically (which is good but sometimes I think love has to be illogical), and he consider convenience first before everything else (for example he won't purposely spend extra buck or travel the extra distance to seize the chance to see me two hours earlier after a month of not seeing each other...he just won't do it).

And we did argue on this topic several times in the past but never had a solution as he insisted he would never change his personality. 

 

Then, I arrange for a quick staycation at JB one week before he leave to continue his working holiday. It's like our last two nights together and of course I would like to cherish the moment. Once we back to hotel in the evening, he wanted to do his own thing (research on his accommodation and stuff for his working holiday). I then tried to flirt him but he told me he doesn't have mood. I then insist and he was finally willing to engage sex with me. However, it was just a quick sex and he couldn't stay hard long and couldn't cum. He told me he jerk off that morning before we go to JB. 

 

Then next day, he wanted to follow his one group of friends to play badminton. I agreed and followed him. I initially thought that we can go dating right after that. However, after the badminton, the group had more things planned and were all the way up to the end of the day. My partner happily agreed (well, I told u before he do enjoy being with friends and spending time with them). My mood turned not well as it was our last dating day before he goes. I did gave him hint but he ask me to go back hotel first while he want to continue to catch up with his friends. I'm more heartbroken at this point. He realized that but it's already too late as it's already almost end of the day (evening already) and went back to hotel together with me while his group of friends also ended the day. Once back in our room, he pretend nothing happen. However, I brought the issue up so that we can discuss together. I told him that the whole day gathering is perfectly fine if there are still many days ahead for us to date. But this is actually our last day to date before he goes. And he decided to spend it with his friends and not realizing how important it is to me. Then we quarrel. I cried and he never come to console or hug me or anything. This time it's a big quarrel. I also highlighted to him on our sex life. I told him that I even have to resort to losing my dignity yesterday for begging him for sex yesterday. Then he confessed to me saying that he had no interest to have sex with me anymore especially after staying together for so long like those old couple. He knew it is a problem but decided to keep quiet all along. I was yet painfully heartbroken again. Then I told him that we have just been staying together for two years and he already had this feeling. We are still young adult and is normal for me to have such need. He just brush it off and told me if I was willing to wait for him after he finish this working holiday and come back by July and see whether he has improve on his part. I agreed. He even suggested that I could go on an open relationship and find other for sex since he couldn't satisfy me. I told him I couldn't do so as I find that as cheating and not loyal to my partner if I engage in sexual relationship with others.

 

He then left for working holiday. It was our first time experiencing long distance relationship. I have very few friends here. I have been too used of living together with him, having him by my side everyday. Hence, going back to living alone was quite a big challenge to me. Hence, I do constantly text him and get emotional easily. I propose we had a video call on every Sunday and he agreed (do you notice I initiate all these all the time and not a single time from his side?). During video call, I would want to stay as long as possible, share as many little things from my side as possible to him. I just wanted to see him longer. On his other end, he felt tired and sleepy all the time, showing all the signs that he is not interested on listening, he had no topics to share and then want to end the call every time. It's always until midnight only he had time to had this video call with me and he appear very sleepy every time. I tried to understand that and I did highlight to him that I'm hoping he would be more proactive on next call. But he just never did. On everyday, he will only text me 'good night' right at the moment before he sleep, not giving me some time for us to at least have a bit of live chat before the end of day (I even didn't request for this to be daily but just for some time only). He told me he was tired. Sometime I would just want to chat with him 'live' but he said just text him and he will reply next day. Well, ok. I understand he was really busy with his work, his friends, his all sort of gatherings over there that would made me jealous sometime while I was all alone here. I just couldn't avoid feeling it. 

 

There was a time when I get emotionally unstable (perhaps is depression) and I told him I needed his attention and care a bit more that couple of days. I just wanted to have a chat with him or hear his voice that will motivate me to stay on. He doesn't have the time for me. He joined his housemates for party and got drunk. I needed to call him (I seriously need him that moment) but he just ignore my message. He then reply me after few hours that he was tired and drunk and how about a call tomorrow. I told him I just needed a quick one. He agree. But we then quarrel again due to my poor state of mind and mood that time. I was really unwell those few days. He never text and ask me how I feel. I express my thought to him on why he wouldn't text. He said I need to tell him frankly and directly and only then he will ask. To be honest, I did try that approach last time but he still be as he is (will still never ask me how I feel back). Then he told me again the same things (he prioritizes time with friends, he is still sticking with his personality, blah blah blah). I told him I never actually wanted him to change (since I already knew him for so long and love him the way he is). I just wanted him to improve, to sacrifice a little, to sometime give way and to put a little effort to make a relationship works. I always believe a one-sided relationship is unhealthy. Then he defended himself by saying he did put effort and just that I can't see it. These problems will not be solved forever and we are just running in circles. I agree to this but I do sincerely promise that I will do more to make this work. I ask him to promise and he say he can't. He told me he don't simply promise. Does that mean I simply made promise? I don't know.

 

I texted him that I missed him and asked him whether he missed me after few days. He didn't reply me back. My mood that day turned bad again. Imagine your partner not even reply ur text but still had time to do his stuff, play his phone, etc. I ask him why he didn't reply me after more than half day. He should have had all the time to finish busy with his stuff and come back to me. He then told me and he said those question gave him stress and I should know by now that he is not that kind of sweet person. He told me that he is now afraid every single time I ask him things, I texted him or I call him. In conclusion, he told me I gave him a lot of stress and that he also know he affected my mood a lot. Yup...I couldn't disagree to that. He then propose we go on a break three days ago. We promise to give us space in this time (but didn't specify any timeframe) to evaluate. 

 

I couldn't hold it and I texted him again yesterday telling him that I seriously miss him and wanted to just have a chat with him as I couldn't find anyone else to chat. He was online but only texted me back three hours later. I'm glad he did agree for the voice call. He listen to what I wanted to say but he was very cold to me from his voice. He told me to move on and share my stuff with my close friend or family. I was really afraid of losing him especially after listening to him being so cold to me yesterday. I was just calm. I told him I admit that I made mistakes. I admit that I was wrong and childish especially the last few weeks of this long distance relationship and that I think I do really over dependent on him too much. I told him I am willing to improve and I still love him no matter what. I did emphasize to him that I'm not trying to give him stress and i will give him time during this so-called 'break'. I also told him I do realize after the two days of silence that he did put in effort on our relationship in the past and I'm sorry that I only saw it this late after thinking heavily. I also told him not to blame himself for what he had done to me as he informed me that he did blamed himself for hurting me. This is all part of learning process for us to grow better. I really wanted to maintain this relationship. I guess now I just need to give him space and time and while I quietly missing him from my side here. Sorry for such a lengthy post. What's your take on this? Would appreciate if you have some feedback on my situation. Sincere thanks. 

 

I m used to be known to write long posts, but this time I keep it short:

 

Your relationship was over once your bf moved on (that was years back). The signals were quite clear. He did not want sex with you and he did not feel happy in your companionship. He signaled his objections at many occasions that you didn't want to read and understand. You lived in a dream.

 

I noted that this was your first relationship.
When I was 17 I also thought I would meet a nice guy and live with him just like a married straight guy. My first relationship I learned certain things, in particular that my belief was more of a dream. Gay relationships are different.

 

Sex is also not always the part that keeps a relationship going. Surely, it should not fade after 2 years but actually I did not see that you had much of it.

In fact, in real sex is mostly not the thing that keeps two persons together. Also, it does not mean that one partner needs to switch positions, you should have never bottomed for him. Relationships are not meant to make just one party happy. In fact, you both did not match from the start.

 

I understand your ex (if he ever was a real bf at all): You are emotional, you demand a lot of attention, your are not cool headed and start drama. Everything seems to be about you. Your ex feared your temper and revenge, that is why he never made the relationship cut crystal clear. Maybe, he sensed you would go to extremes also. This gay friend that shared a part of your life tried to be friendly to you, but you just refused to get the message that he wasn't longer interested, nor that he didn't see himself in a relationship with you.

 

My personal advice is: Move on, take all as a lesson in the category of "Don't do's " in a relationship. And please let go.

Also, next time around, take more time to see if two persons cope before calling it a relationship.

 

And please get a bunch of good gay friends to seek advice at earlier stage instead of running into such drama and "depression".

To be honest, I find your depression self-deceptive.

 

Love, relationships are not one sided and since that other guy took distance from you, there was never any relationship any longer.

 

Yes, I m known to be quite blunt.

 

 

 

 

Edited April 2, 2023 by singalion

[yhtang]

This relationship died a few years ago, when your boyfriend began to distance himself from you.

 

I feel this hit you very hard because this is your first relationship, and you poured all your love and feelings into it. 

 

I would love to have someone care so much and so deep for me.  However, he did not appreciate it, and for whatever reason, he did not express to you clearly when he fell out of love with you.  I believe you feel very hurt that this had dragged on the way it had, and looking back, I believe you feel you have been taken for granted and had been treated a fool for so long.

 

I know it is not easy to do so, but you have to accept this relationship had ended, and you will have to let go, so that you can grieve the loss of the relationship.  Grieve not for him because he does not deserve it.

 

Maybe one day, you will find someone who appreciates you or not.  No one will ever know, but if you do not let go, you will not be able to see a worthy partner for yourself even if he is standing in front of you. 

 

I wish you strength to see through this heartache and heart break, and may someone worthy of your feelings come to you some day.  Meanwhile, take care of your health. 

[Guest manrugged]

8 hours ago, Guest tm_ said:

Sorry for the long post but would really appreciate it if you can read it all and share your thoughts. I desperately need it especially from people like us in this LGBT circle. Thanks.

 

Hi, I'm 32 this year and my partner is 30. We met through Grindr app and have since been in relationship for 3 years and a half now. This is my first ever relationship and so I admit that I am very inexperienced on this and is immature at times which led to a break that my partner decided a couple of days ago. 

 

I am the kind of person who is a bit more emotional and romantic while my partner is the total opposite. During the early time of our dating (like first 6 months into our relationship), he had been very sweet and attentive to me. He would text me occasionally every day to say that he miss me or simply just to ask about my day. I love this constant attention that he gave me. He is a top and I am a top. As I do love him and in our first ever ex, I was willing to be bottom for the first time for him. Painful but I was willing to do it as I love him. Ever since, I have been bottom all the way for him. We never treat it as sex but as a true love-making session, a way for us to express love to each other and get intimate closely. 

 

After a year into dating, I had an idea of us moving in together (rent a room and live together). He initially reluctant but agree to do so after few months of thought. We had been doing fine in the first few months after moving together. He had a serious snoring issue which affected my sleep almost every night but I do still wish to sleep by his side. He also sometime woke up from his sleep in the midnight and talk or did some minor actions deriving from his dreams that sometime frighten me out of my sleep. It's strange but I do like all these little gestures of him. I just enjoyed being with him.

 

However, after that few months, it felt like he is my roommate rather than my partner. He wanted to do his own thing more (go out for walk alone, etc) without asking me to join. I gave him some space and let him be. I myself also do my own thing too. I respected that. We only went out for a dinner outside once every weekend as a simple date. The following is more of a concern; he is not interesting on having sex with me anymore. Previously we did it like once in a month, then once in 2 months, then slowly turning to once in a year. More on this later. He never been sweet to me anymore. No more sweet gesture or text anymore. I accepted that since he told me before that's his personality (which is somehow so different to how he treat me in the beginning of our relationship).

 

Then on early last year, he decided to go on a working holiday abroad. I decided to drop everything and join him. I personally wanted to take a break too from my stressful career here in SG. We had a wonderful time during the 7 months long working holiday. However, there were always these little actions from him that felt like he was not caring or loving me anymore. We never had sex during these working holiday (I thought maybe he was tired and want to just focus on the working holiday). When I was sick and I told him, he would just ignore it and continue on doing his own stuff downstair in the living room while I rest in bedroom upstair alone. We occasionally argue too (well, this is sort of common for any relationship so I didn't think too much about this point). 

 

We came back to SG on February this year. He decided to continue on the working holiday at the same place and this time with two of his friends. Well, he didn't ask me to join. I myself also personally bounded by the unpaid leave from my previous employer and I have to get back to work. Hence, I didn't come along. Before we start our long distance relationship, I tried to initiate more meet up with him before he leave by end of February so that I am able to spend more time with him before he goes. He told me he tried to agree to some of the meet up as he was busy meeting up with his friends in SG and had some work to do before he leave. I understand. I also knew him as I have been with him for this long. He is like this all the time. He is the kind of person who puts a balance to everything (he prioritizes me and also friendship-he has a lot of friends), he thinks very logically (which is good but sometimes I think love has to be illogical), and he consider convenience first before everything else (for example he won't purposely spend extra buck or travel the extra distance to seize the chance to see me two hours earlier after a month of not seeing each other...he just won't do it).

And we did argue on this topic several times in the past but never had a solution as he insisted he would never change his personality. 

 

Then, I arrange for a quick staycation at JB one week before he leave to continue his working holiday. It's like our last two nights together and of course I would like to cherish the moment. Once we back to hotel in the evening, he wanted to do his own thing (research on his accommodation and stuff for his working holiday). I then tried to flirt him but he told me he doesn't have mood. I then insist and he was finally willing to engage sex with me. However, it was just a quick sex and he couldn't stay hard long and couldn't cum. He told me he jerk off that morning before we go to JB. 

 

Then next day, he wanted to follow his one group of friends to play badminton. I agreed and followed him. I initially thought that we can go dating right after that. However, after the badminton, the group had more things planned and were all the way up to the end of the day. My partner happily agreed (well, I told u before he do enjoy being with friends and spending time with them). My mood turned not well as it was our last dating day before he goes. I did gave him hint but he ask me to go back hotel first while he want to continue to catch up with his friends. I'm more heartbroken at this point. He realized that but it's already too late as it's already almost end of the day (evening already) and went back to hotel together with me while his group of friends also ended the day. Once back in our room, he pretend nothing happen. However, I brought the issue up so that we can discuss together. I told him that the whole day gathering is perfectly fine if there are still many days ahead for us to date. But this is actually our last day to date before he goes. And he decided to spend it with his friends and not realizing how important it is to me. Then we quarrel. I cried and he never come to console or hug me or anything. This time it's a big quarrel. I also highlighted to him on our sex life. I told him that I even have to resort to losing my dignity yesterday for begging him for sex yesterday. Then he confessed to me saying that he had no interest to have sex with me anymore especially after staying together for so long like those old couple. He knew it is a problem but decided to keep quiet all along. I was yet painfully heartbroken again. Then I told him that we have just been staying together for two years and he already had this feeling. We are still young adult and is normal for me to have such need. He just brush it off and told me if I was willing to wait for him after he finish this working holiday and come back by July and see whether he has improve on his part. I agreed. He even suggested that I could go on an open relationship and find other for sex since he couldn't satisfy me. I told him I couldn't do so as I find that as cheating and not loyal to my partner if I engage in sexual relationship with others.

 

He then left for working holiday. It was our first time experiencing long distance relationship. I have very few friends here. I have been too used of living together with him, having him by my side everyday. Hence, going back to living alone was quite a big challenge to me. Hence, I do constantly text him and get emotional easily. I propose we had a video call on every Sunday and he agreed (do you notice I initiate all these all the time and not a single time from his side?). During video call, I would want to stay as long as possible, share as many little things from my side as possible to him. I just wanted to see him longer. On his other end, he felt tired and sleepy all the time, showing all the signs that he is not interested on listening, he had no topics to share and then want to end the call every time. It's always until midnight only he had time to had this video call with me and he appear very sleepy every time. I tried to understand that and I did highlight to him that I'm hoping he would be more proactive on next call. But he just never did. On everyday, he will only text me 'good night' right at the moment before he sleep, not giving me some time for us to at least have a bit of live chat before the end of day (I even didn't request for this to be daily but just for some time only). He told me he was tired. Sometime I would just want to chat with him 'live' but he said just text him and he will reply next day. Well, ok. I understand he was really busy with his work, his friends, his all sort of gatherings over there that would made me jealous sometime while I was all alone here. I just couldn't avoid feeling it. 

 

There was a time when I get emotionally unstable (perhaps is depression) and I told him I needed his attention and care a bit more that couple of days. I just wanted to have a chat with him or hear his voice that will motivate me to stay on. He doesn't have the time for me. He joined his housemates for party and got drunk. I needed to call him (I seriously need him that moment) but he just ignore my message. He then reply me after few hours that he was tired and drunk and how about a call tomorrow. I told him I just needed a quick one. He agree. But we then quarrel again due to my poor state of mind and mood that time. I was really unwell those few days. He never text and ask me how I feel. I express my thought to him on why he wouldn't text. He said I need to tell him frankly and directly and only then he will ask. To be honest, I did try that approach last time but he still be as he is (will still never ask me how I feel back). Then he told me again the same things (he prioritizes time with friends, he is still sticking with his personality, blah blah blah). I told him I never actually wanted him to change (since I already knew him for so long and love him the way he is). I just wanted him to improve, to sacrifice a little, to sometime give way and to put a little effort to make a relationship works. I always believe a one-sided relationship is unhealthy. Then he defended himself by saying he did put effort and just that I can't see it. These problems will not be solved forever and we are just running in circles. I agree to this but I do sincerely promise that I will do more to make this work. I ask him to promise and he say he can't. He told me he don't simply promise. Does that mean I simply made promise? I don't know.

 

I texted him that I missed him and asked him whether he missed me after few days. He didn't reply me back. My mood that day turned bad again. Imagine your partner not even reply ur text but still had time to do his stuff, play his phone, etc. I ask him why he didn't reply me after more than half day. He should have had all the time to finish busy with his stuff and come back to me. He then told me and he said those question gave him stress and I should know by now that he is not that kind of sweet person. He told me that he is now afraid every single time I ask him things, I texted him or I call him. In conclusion, he told me I gave him a lot of stress and that he also know he affected my mood a lot. Yup...I couldn't disagree to that. He then propose we go on a break three days ago. We promise to give us space in this time (but didn't specify any timeframe) to evaluate. 

 

I couldn't hold it and I texted him again yesterday telling him that I seriously miss him and wanted to just have a chat with him as I couldn't find anyone else to chat. He was online but only texted me back three hours later. I'm glad he did agree for the voice call. He listen to what I wanted to say but he was very cold to me from his voice. He told me to move on and share my stuff with my close friend or family. I was really afraid of losing him especially after listening to him being so cold to me yesterday. I was just calm. I told him I admit that I made mistakes. I admit that I was wrong and childish especially the last few weeks of this long distance relationship and that I think I do really over dependent on him too much. I told him I am willing to improve and I still love him no matter what. I did emphasize to him that I'm not trying to give him stress and i will give him time during this so-called 'break'. I also told him I do realize after the two days of silence that he did put in effort on our relationship in the past and I'm sorry that I only saw it this late after thinking heavily. I also told him not to blame himself for what he had done to me as he informed me that he did blamed himself for hurting me. This is all part of learning process for us to grow better. I really wanted to maintain this relationship. I guess now I just need to give him space and time and while I quietly missing him from my side here. Sorry for such a lengthy post. What's your take on this? Would appreciate if you have some feedback on my situation. Sincere thanks. 

there are several common reasons why relationships end:

 

Communication issues: If there were issues with communication in the relationship, it could have led to misunderstandings, conflicts, and ultimately, a breakup.

 

Different values or goals: If you and your partner have different values or goals in life, it can create conflicts and make it difficult to maintain a long-term relationship.

 

Infidelity or lack of trust: If one partner has been unfaithful or there is a lack of trust in the relationship, it can lead to a breakup.

 

Growing apart: As people change and grow over time, it's possible for partners to grow apart, leading to a breakup.

 

Incompatibility: Sometimes, despite the best efforts of both partners, the relationship simply isn't a good fit, and it's best to end things and move on.

 

Ultimately, the reasons for a breakup are unique to each situation, and it's important to remember that it's not necessarily a reflection of your worth as a person. It may be helpful to talk to friends or a therapist to process your emotions and move forward in a healthy way.

[mate69]

All very helpful and good advice. TS, please heed these and I think the answer (as hard as it is) is already right in front of you

Good luck, and please take care of yourself first

[Guest Lol]

Lol who keeps sending ChatGPT answers?

[IkuTube]

11 hours ago, Guest tm_ said:

Thanks again for all the feedback so far. but i would also like to highlight one point that i may have missed earlier. We didn't actually break-up yet. he just proposed a 'break' but I also do sense that this may probably just lead to break-up eventually and is just prolonging the pain if the outcome is indeed as said earlier. 

 

I just have a wishful thinking that during this period, we both truly evaluates and study our issues and see it in another perspective. he did said to me he will do that. i still have a hope that he still see a future in this relationship like i do. right inside my heart, i think he still love me too and just that he is never good at expressing such thing. I can feel it especially after thinking deeply during that two days of silence where the start of our 'break' is. or am i just consoling myself and not willing to accept the truth?

 

just wondering how should i get through this period of uncertainty?

 

[1]  For the future to work

For you to have peace of mind, may I ask you this question - what does your gut feeling tell you about your true situation, about what to come next?  Yes, you mentioned where you are “not willing to accept the truth” - (the 'break) - and what is holding you back?

This exercise is to calm your mind.  It is about self reflection and an act to take responsibility.  When you are able to think through, you will get the answer(s) as how you can help yourself in the situation.

As you do the reflection to get to the answer(s), be honest with yourself.  Stay as the observer observing on your thought process.  Just focus on yourself and not on your partner.  What about your actions that are causing the drift, the indifference between the two of you where it has reached to a situation that he is now “afraid” when you text him and you are giving “him a lot of stress”?

In the art of effective communication, avoid the urge to blame others for your failures.  Instead, take charge to take responsibility on our weaknesses and make them the strengths for your future.  Avoid thinking that you think you know him or that he knows you better.  Fact is, we do not know much about ourselves nor do we really know much about others too.

[2]  The situation as of now

I understand why you want to hang on.  You feel that you have invested in something beautiful and such a beautiful thing should not be thrown away easily.  This is not an idealist wish.  You have your right to fight for what you want.  This is a trait of love, of loving someone where you are willing to make it work while feeling crushed and burned.  Bottomline, you believe in hope where there is light despite of all the darkness.

The way I interpret on your story, I see two different personalities.  One who is free spirited, i.e. your partner and one who has become overly attached (and that is you).  There is nothing wrong with these opposite personalities (in any relationship) but it requires a deep understanding to blend/bridge the differences to come into harmony with one common language.

Perhaps, the two of you had come into this relationship with different expectations without realizing that a relationship is about commitment that involve honesty, trust, respect and open communication.  Perhaps, the two of you knew about it but was too quick to take each other for granted.

[3]  Lets focus on you

Find the right strength for you to fight for what you want.  But in doing so, avoid imposing your needs on him.  When you get the chance to talk to him, share with him your real feelings while not making him to feel guilty.  You have to remember that he is in a delicate situation too with his stern decision for a ‘break’. 

You are standing on an egg shell.  You are on a fragile situation.

Do take good care of yourself.

 

[ERFAbangBear]

I think looking inward and controlling what you can control is step number one. If it means seeking help and therapy, please do so. You do not need a reason to go to therapy. Everyone should imho. 

 

I also sense a lot of an unhealthy balance of push and pull here. I think you need to prioritize your independence and seek out to do and prioritize things YOU want in life even WHEN you're in a relationship. Your partner is there to share a life not create one for you. The romantic idea of your knight in shining armor coming to save you and providing you a life of happiness is always met with some form of reality check. The key here in my opinion is to play the game as two players. You need to cover his weaknesses and vice versa and you both need to play your own specific roles in the game to be a strong pairing. You both need to focus on your OWN roles and work together. 

 

Adding on, I may be hyper-analyzing here but it also sounds like you have an anxious attachment style and you should definitely read up on it and find ways to heal and move forward to become a stronger person in and out of a relationship. 

 

This is just my 0.02 cents with about 3 exes worth of experience in r/s for what it's worth. 

[Guest tm_]

After these few days, i have really learnt and realized in these days of silence that I did a lot things that actually push him away. I regretted it. I did had a talk with him recently and I noticed he had been very cold to me now and no longer actually listen to what i have to say although i do sincerely express to him that i knew and i still love him no matter wat. I told him that i am willing to wait and give him time and space. He just told me to let us think whether we still suited for relationship. I have done my part and i can only now hope for the best. I wont bother him anymore n will just quietly wait for him. In the meantime, i will take good care of myself, invest on self care and thanks for all the advice so far. No matter what, i will still occassionally think of him. This is something just cant be avoided easily especially all the things we have been throughout all those years. 

[Guest Guest]

7 hours ago, ERFAbangBear said:

Your partner is there to share a life not create one for you. The romantic idea of your knight in shining armor coming to save you and providing you a life of happiness is always met with some form of reality check.

 

I like what you said above - very, very true.

As a guy, even a gay and attached one, it's important to have your own means of survival and resources. If not, you can very easily become a leech to others, and that can be a huge turnoff.

 

I had a gay friend who was very needy and emotional. He would have constant mood swings and temper tantrums, worse than a girl. It came to a point where I actually stopped contacting him for about 2 years, and during those 2 years, I felt so relaxed, happy and carefree interacting with my other more normal friends.

After those 2 years ended, we ended up in the same organisation, and then, all the tension started as he re-entered my life, and started to micro-manage me, e.g. demanding to know who was the guy he saw me speaking to earlier, etc.

Mind you, we were not even a couple or dating. We were just friends.

I did not want to directly cut off ties with him, knowing his potential of throwing tantrums, and being a bitchy drama queen.

So I just tolerated him and showed as little interest in his things as possible. That was my way of protecting my sanity.

 

After 3 years, I left that organisation and finally took the opportunity to end our friendship. True enough, he threw a huge tantrum, blew up the whole thing, and made it into a very messy issue, worse than a Hong Kong diva actress going through a divorce 🤦‍♂️

 

But the peace and serenity that his departure brought to my life was worth it.

[singalion]

1 hour ago, Guest Guest said:

 

I like what you said above - very, very true.

As a guy, even a gay and attached one, it's important to have your own means of survival and resources. If not, you can very easily become a leech to others, and that can be a huge turnoff.

 

I had a gay friend who was very needy and emotional. He would have constant mood swings and temper tantrums, worse than a girl. It came to a point where I actually stopped contacting him for about 2 years, and during those 2 years, I felt so relaxed, happy and carefree interacting with my other more normal friends.

After those 2 years ended, we ended up in the same organisation, and then, all the tension started as he re-entered my life, and started to micro-manage me, e.g. demanding to know who was the guy he saw me speaking to earlier, etc.

Mind you, we were not even a couple or dating. We were just friends.

I did not want to directly cut off ties with him, knowing his potential of throwing tantrums, and being a bitchy drama queen.

So I just tolerated him and showed as little interest in his things as possible. That was my way of protecting my sanity.

 

After 3 years, I left that organisation and finally took the opportunity to end our friendship. True enough, he threw a huge tantrum, blew up the whole thing, and made it into a very messy issue, worse than a Hong Kong diva actress going through a divorce 🤦‍♂️

 

But the peace and serenity that his departure brought to my life was worth it.

 

Just wonder whether you did that Hong Kong diva tantrum in the office?

[But in my honest experience such guys won't change, they never find fault in them...]

 

Oh yes, gay friends, with whom you aren't in a relationship and treat you like being in one are the worst...

 

Maybe, it resolves plenty of issues to keep a thick barrier between gay friends and guys you have sex. If you become good friends (but know it won't end in a relationship) cease having sex (and never do again) on the other hand, if you are keen for sex with that guy, don't make him to a good friend. Most often in my experience friend and sex just doesn't work.

 

The other part can just get everything wrong... in particular if he doesn't realise that you don't feel being in a relationship with him.

 

 

 

 

[yhtang]

3 hours ago, Guest tm_ said:

After these few days, i have really learnt and realized in these days of silence that I did a lot things that actually push him away. I regretted it. I did had a talk with him recently and I noticed he had been very cold to me now and no longer actually listen to what i have to say although i do sincerely express to him that i knew and i still love him no matter wat. I told him that i am willing to wait and give him time and space. He just told me to let us think whether we still suited for relationship. I have done my part and i can only now hope for the best. I wont bother him anymore n will just quietly wait for him. In the meantime, i will take good care of myself, invest on self care and thanks for all the advice so far. No matter what, i will still occassionally think of him. This is something just cant be avoided easily especially all the things we have been throughout all those years. 

 

I respect your wish to quietly wait for him, but please do not deny a more fruitful relationship should someone more appropriate for you comes along.

 

Please also make contingency plans should he continue to distance himself away from you.  Do set a timeline somewhere. 

 

Yes, you will occasionally think of him.  It is natural to do so, since you have invested so much of your love in him.  It is also natural that this breakup affects you deeply - do not feel silly that your emotions had run wild because, as the song goes, First Cut is the Deepest. 

I can only hope that you are able to heal from this breakup soon.  In my case, it took more than one year for me to heal from my first breakup, so if you feel it is taking a long time, you would not be the first to experience it.  The pain will be there, the void will be there, but in time, you will learn to live with them and not allow the pain and the void in you to affect you that much. 

 

Take care and I wish you the best.

[cutejack]

Normal for such incidents to happen in gay relationship. Been there done that. I believe most of us gone through your situation in relationship.

Shouldn't have lost yr virginity to him just bcoz u love him. Till change yr role from top to bottom.

Anyway, stay strong n control yr emotion by diverting to something else like doing more prayers, reading books/reading materials, having new hobbies etc etc. Why m I saying all these? 

Bcoz.. Be prepared for separation when he is back and so coz I don't think he is gonna sustain the relationship and no point ONLY u taking all the efforts to sustain the relationship. It's very tiring for u I believe. 

Stay strong n hugs from me, cutejack.

[singalion]

17 minutes ago, yhtang said:

 

I respect your wish to quietly wait for him, but please do not deny a more fruitful relationship should someone more appropriate for you comes along.

 

Please also make contingency plans should he continue to distance himself away from you.  Do set a timeline somewhere. 

 

Yes, you will occasionally think of him.  It is natural to do so, since you have invested so much of your love in him.  It is also natural that this breakup affects you deeply - do not feel silly that your emotions had run wild because, as the song goes, First Cut is the Deepest. 

I can only hope that you are able to heal from this breakup soon.  In my case, it took more than one year for me to heal from my first breakup, so if you feel it is taking a long time, you would not be the first to experience it.  The pain will be there, the void will be there, but in time, you will learn to live with them and not allow the pain and the void in you to affect you that much. 

 

Take care and I wish you the best.

 

I personally have the feeling that the other guys is not sincere when he said " He will think about it"

 

In my assessment, the other guy is aware of TS's emotional reactions and just intends not break off any escalation.

 

We are also not aware whether the other guys: "I will think about it" or in TS's own words  "Let us think, whether we still suited for a relationship." was really what the other party said. Often in such situations we cling on words that weren't meant as such because it is hard to deal with the truth.

 

 

3 hours ago, Guest tm_ said:

I noticed he had been very cold to me now and no longer actually listen to what i have to say although i do sincerely express to him that i knew and i still love him no matter wat. I told him that i am willing to wait and give him time and space. He just told me to let us think whether we still suited for relationship.

 

 

But you are right, yhtang, TS should not wait to look out for other options instead of wasting his time on something that will never turn out to be the wanted or expected relationship.

 

 

[sg89ailikesi]

On 4/2/2023 at 1:02 PM, Guest tm_ said:

Thanks again for all the feedback so far. but i would also like to highlight one point that i may have missed earlier. We didn't actually break-up yet. he just proposed a 'break' but I also do sense that this may probably just lead to break-up eventually and is just prolonging the pain if the outcome is indeed as said earlier. 

 

I just have a wishful thinking that during this period, we both truly evaluates and study our issues and see it in another perspective. he did said to me he will do that. i still have a hope that he still see a future in this relationship like i do. right inside my heart, i think he still love me too and just that he is never good at expressing such thing. I can feel it especially after thinking deeply during that two days of silence where the start of our 'break' is. or am i just consoling myself and not willing to accept the truth?

 

just wondering how should i get through this period of uncertainty?

Actually time heals. Do something u like, or find new activities to do?

 

Actually do he still love u is a question if not then maybe no point wasting time too. If after this period he still don’t ownself contact u and is a real break up without patching then just let go. No cb choice, is hard of cos.

 

jia you!

[Guest Guest]

3 hours ago, singalion said:

Just wonder whether you did that Hong Kong diva tantrum in the office?

[But in my honest experience such guys won't change, they never find fault in them...]

 

You mean did he throw the tantrums in the office?

No, it was via other private means of communication.

That guy was pretty good at maintaining a dignified and respectable image in public. So he knows how to hide his ugly behaviour from others.

And you are right - he was a rather self-righteous person. So when something goes wrong, he is always busy justifying his own actions to others.

The tantrum that he threw was more than 20 years ago. Never heard from him since.

So glad he's out of my life. 👏

[gstringuy26]

Things change when you are no more sexy to him anymore? 

While the hearts feels, the eyes only want to see pleasing things...😐

[AgentFit]

On 4/2/2023 at 10:53 AM, Guest tm_ said:

Sorry for the long post but would really appreciate it if you can read it all and share your thoughts. I desperately need it especially from people like us in this LGBT circle. Thanks.

 

Hi, I'm 32 this year and my partner is 30. We met through Grindr app and have since been in relationship for 3 years and a half now. This is my first ever relationship and so I admit that I am very inexperienced on this and is immature at times which led to a break that my partner decided a couple of days ago. 

 

I am the kind of person who is a bit more emotional and romantic while my partner is the total opposite. During the early time of our dating (like first 6 months into our relationship), he had been very sweet and attentive to me. He would text me occasionally every day to say that he miss me or simply just to ask about my day. I love this constant attention that he gave me. He is a top and I am a top. As I do love him and in our first ever ex, I was willing to be bottom for the first time for him. Painful but I was willing to do it as I love him. Ever since, I have been bottom all the way for him. We never treat it as sex but as a true love-making session, a way for us to express love to each other and get intimate closely. 

 

After a year into dating, I had an idea of us moving in together (rent a room and live together). He initially reluctant but agree to do so after few months of thought. We had been doing fine in the first few months after moving together. He had a serious snoring issue which affected my sleep almost every night but I do still wish to sleep by his side. He also sometime woke up from his sleep in the midnight and talk or did some minor actions deriving from his dreams that sometime frighten me out of my sleep. It's strange but I do like all these little gestures of him. I just enjoyed being with him.

 

However, after that few months, it felt like he is my roommate rather than my partner. He wanted to do his own thing more (go out for walk alone, etc) without asking me to join. I gave him some space and let him be. I myself also do my own thing too. I respected that. We only went out for a dinner outside once every weekend as a simple date. The following is more of a concern; he is not interesting on having sex with me anymore. Previously we did it like once in a month, then once in 2 months, then slowly turning to once in a year. More on this later. He never been sweet to me anymore. No more sweet gesture or text anymore. I accepted that since he told me before that's his personality (which is somehow so different to how he treat me in the beginning of our relationship).

 

Then on early last year, he decided to go on a working holiday abroad. I decided to drop everything and join him. I personally wanted to take a break too from my stressful career here in SG. We had a wonderful time during the 7 months long working holiday. However, there were always these little actions from him that felt like he was not caring or loving me anymore. We never had sex during these working holiday (I thought maybe he was tired and want to just focus on the working holiday). When I was sick and I told him, he would just ignore it and continue on doing his own stuff downstair in the living room while I rest in bedroom upstair alone. We occasionally argue too (well, this is sort of common for any relationship so I didn't think too much about this point). 

 

We came back to SG on February this year. He decided to continue on the working holiday at the same place and this time with two of his friends. Well, he didn't ask me to join. I myself also personally bounded by the unpaid leave from my previous employer and I have to get back to work. Hence, I didn't come along. Before we start our long distance relationship, I tried to initiate more meet up with him before he leave by end of February so that I am able to spend more time with him before he goes. He told me he tried to agree to some of the meet up as he was busy meeting up with his friends in SG and had some work to do before he leave. I understand. I also knew him as I have been with him for this long. He is like this all the time. He is the kind of person who puts a balance to everything (he prioritizes me and also friendship-he has a lot of friends), he thinks very logically (which is good but sometimes I think love has to be illogical), and he consider convenience first before everything else (for example he won't purposely spend extra buck or travel the extra distance to seize the chance to see me two hours earlier after a month of not seeing each other...he just won't do it).

And we did argue on this topic several times in the past but never had a solution as he insisted he would never change his personality. 

 

Then, I arrange for a quick staycation at JB one week before he leave to continue his working holiday. It's like our last two nights together and of course I would like to cherish the moment. Once we back to hotel in the evening, he wanted to do his own thing (research on his accommodation and stuff for his working holiday). I then tried to flirt him but he told me he doesn't have mood. I then insist and he was finally willing to engage sex with me. However, it was just a quick sex and he couldn't stay hard long and couldn't cum. He told me he jerk off that morning before we go to JB. 

 

Then next day, he wanted to follow his one group of friends to play badminton. I agreed and followed him. I initially thought that we can go dating right after that. However, after the badminton, the group had more things planned and were all the way up to the end of the day. My partner happily agreed (well, I told u before he do enjoy being with friends and spending time with them). My mood turned not well as it was our last dating day before he goes. I did gave him hint but he ask me to go back hotel first while he want to continue to catch up with his friends. I'm more heartbroken at this point. He realized that but it's already too late as it's already almost end of the day (evening already) and went back to hotel together with me while his group of friends also ended the day. Once back in our room, he pretend nothing happen. However, I brought the issue up so that we can discuss together. I told him that the whole day gathering is perfectly fine if there are still many days ahead for us to date. But this is actually our last day to date before he goes. And he decided to spend it with his friends and not realizing how important it is to me. Then we quarrel. I cried and he never come to console or hug me or anything. This time it's a big quarrel. I also highlighted to him on our sex life. I told him that I even have to resort to losing my dignity yesterday for begging him for sex yesterday. Then he confessed to me saying that he had no interest to have sex with me anymore especially after staying together for so long like those old couple. He knew it is a problem but decided to keep quiet all along. I was yet painfully heartbroken again. Then I told him that we have just been staying together for two years and he already had this feeling. We are still young adult and is normal for me to have such need. He just brush it off and told me if I was willing to wait for him after he finish this working holiday and come back by July and see whether he has improve on his part. I agreed. He even suggested that I could go on an open relationship and find other for sex since he couldn't satisfy me. I told him I couldn't do so as I find that as cheating and not loyal to my partner if I engage in sexual relationship with others.

 

He then left for working holiday. It was our first time experiencing long distance relationship. I have very few friends here. I have been too used of living together with him, having him by my side everyday. Hence, going back to living alone was quite a big challenge to me. Hence, I do constantly text him and get emotional easily. I propose we had a video call on every Sunday and he agreed (do you notice I initiate all these all the time and not a single time from his side?). During video call, I would want to stay as long as possible, share as many little things from my side as possible to him. I just wanted to see him longer. On his other end, he felt tired and sleepy all the time, showing all the signs that he is not interested on listening, he had no topics to share and then want to end the call every time. It's always until midnight only he had time to had this video call with me and he appear very sleepy every time. I tried to understand that and I did highlight to him that I'm hoping he would be more proactive on next call. But he just never did. On everyday, he will only text me 'good night' right at the moment before he sleep, not giving me some time for us to at least have a bit of live chat before the end of day (I even didn't request for this to be daily but just for some time only). He told me he was tired. Sometime I would just want to chat with him 'live' but he said just text him and he will reply next day. Well, ok. I understand he was really busy with his work, his friends, his all sort of gatherings over there that would made me jealous sometime while I was all alone here. I just couldn't avoid feeling it. 

 

There was a time when I get emotionally unstable (perhaps is depression) and I told him I needed his attention and care a bit more that couple of days. I just wanted to have a chat with him or hear his voice that will motivate me to stay on. He doesn't have the time for me. He joined his housemates for party and got drunk. I needed to call him (I seriously need him that moment) but he just ignore my message. He then reply me after few hours that he was tired and drunk and how about a call tomorrow. I told him I just needed a quick one. He agree. But we then quarrel again due to my poor state of mind and mood that time. I was really unwell those few days. He never text and ask me how I feel. I express my thought to him on why he wouldn't text. He said I need to tell him frankly and directly and only then he will ask. To be honest, I did try that approach last time but he still be as he is (will still never ask me how I feel back). Then he told me again the same things (he prioritizes time with friends, he is still sticking with his personality, blah blah blah). I told him I never actually wanted him to change (since I already knew him for so long and love him the way he is). I just wanted him to improve, to sacrifice a little, to sometime give way and to put a little effort to make a relationship works. I always believe a one-sided relationship is unhealthy. Then he defended himself by saying he did put effort and just that I can't see it. These problems will not be solved forever and we are just running in circles. I agree to this but I do sincerely promise that I will do more to make this work. I ask him to promise and he say he can't. He told me he don't simply promise. Does that mean I simply made promise? I don't know.

 

I texted him that I missed him and asked him whether he missed me after few days. He didn't reply me back. My mood that day turned bad again. Imagine your partner not even reply ur text but still had time to do his stuff, play his phone, etc. I ask him why he didn't reply me after more than half day. He should have had all the time to finish busy with his stuff and come back to me. He then told me and he said those question gave him stress and I should know by now that he is not that kind of sweet person. He told me that he is now afraid every single time I ask him things, I texted him or I call him. In conclusion, he told me I gave him a lot of stress and that he also know he affected my mood a lot. Yup...I couldn't disagree to that. He then propose we go on a break three days ago. We promise to give us space in this time (but didn't specify any timeframe) to evaluate. 

 

I couldn't hold it and I texted him again yesterday telling him that I seriously miss him and wanted to just have a chat with him as I couldn't find anyone else to chat. He was online but only texted me back three hours later. I'm glad he did agree for the voice call. He listen to what I wanted to say but he was very cold to me from his voice. He told me to move on and share my stuff with my close friend or family. I was really afraid of losing him especially after listening to him being so cold to me yesterday. I was just calm. I told him I admit that I made mistakes. I admit that I was wrong and childish especially the last few weeks of this long distance relationship and that I think I do really over dependent on him too much. I told him I am willing to improve and I still love him no matter what. I did emphasize to him that I'm not trying to give him stress and i will give him time during this so-called 'break'. I also told him I do realize after the two days of silence that he did put in effort on our relationship in the past and I'm sorry that I only saw it this late after thinking heavily. I also told him not to blame himself for what he had done to me as he informed me that he did blamed himself for hurting me. This is all part of learning process for us to grow better. I really wanted to maintain this relationship. I guess now I just need to give him space and time and while I quietly missing him from my side here. Sorry for such a lengthy post. What's your take on this? Would appreciate if you have some feedback on my situation. Sincere thanks. 

 

Hi tm_  I can imagine the pain and hurt you must be experiencing now.  Please know that you are not alone.  The good news is time heals, and hurts don't last if we don't give them permission to last.   Years back, a psychologist friend once shared that relationship is like dancing => you move forward, your partner retreats;  and when you step back, your partner comes forward.  If we keep stepping forward, the partner will keep stepping backwards and eventually feel cornered.  In short, both parties must tango in tandem.  An uninterested partner will not step forward and will eventually feel overwhelmed and cornered by the interested party who keeps  moving forward.   The advice was an important factor that helped me decide to move away from a prolonged situation of pain.   I hope it helps you too.

 

The famous saying goes, "whatever doesn't kill, builds."  In pain, we can develop strength and resilience.  I hope the pain, which motivated you to make this BW post, will also motivate you to make some important decisions.  Despite the long post you made, there's still a chance that a bystander like me might give the wrong 'advice' based on our own experiences.   Perhaps some questions below might help you to make some important decisions? 

1.  Does continuing in the relationship, whatever is left, make you happy? Does it help you become a better person?

 

2.  Given what you have been going  through in the months/years, do you think he will want to continue in the relationship, despite whatever assurances you make to change?
 

3.  Do you like how you are now?  If I got it correctly, you are experiencing feelings of blaming yourself, hurt, helplessness.  How were you like when you were at your best?

 

"Hope" can be uplifting but "wrong hope" can be deadly.  Give yourself the right hope dear friend.  Only you can decide to be happy.   Sorry in case my views are irrelevant or not put across in a manner you can relate to.  Take care, and cheering for your eventual recovery.   Many of us are just a post away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[auscent]

The advices here are sharp, well thought off and mature. Seasoned by life's lessons, that is why I am still a fan of BW.

[Guest Agony aunties]

After reading this thread, Lessons for me

 

Learn to recognize, accept and leave a bad situation quickly 

 

Never enter into one if something don't feel right.  Always trust your instincts.

 

Sometimes it's not worthwhile to work things out, if the other party is not agreeable or too stubborn.

 

[Guest tm_]

3 hours ago, AgentFit said:

 

Hi tm_  I can imagine the pain and hurt you must be experiencing now.  Please know that you are not alone.  The good news is time heals, and hurts don't last if we don't give them permission to last.   Years back, a psychologist friend once shared that relationship is like dancing => you move forward, your partner retreats;  and when you step back, your partner comes forward.  If we keep stepping forward, the partner will keep stepping backwards and eventually feel cornered.  In short, both parties must tango in tandem.  An uninterested partner will not step forward and will eventually feel overwhelmed and cornered by the interested party who keeps  moving forward.   The advice was an important factor that helped me decide to move away from a prolonged situation of pain.   I hope it helps you too.

 

The famous saying goes, "whatever doesn't kill, builds."  In pain, we can develop strength and resilience.  I hope the pain, which motivated you to make this BW post, will also motivate you to make some important decisions.  Despite the long post you made, there's still a chance that a bystander like me might give the wrong 'advice' based on our own experiences.   Perhaps some questions below might help you to make some important decisions? 

1.  Does continuing in the relationship, whatever is left, make you happy? Does it help you become a better person?

 

2.  Given what you have been going  through in the months/years, do you think he will want to continue in the relationship, despite whatever assurances you make to change?
 

3.  Do you like how you are now?  If I got it correctly, you are experiencing feelings of blaming yourself, hurt, helplessness.  How were you like when you were at your best?

 

"Hope" can be uplifting but "wrong hope" can be deadly.  Give yourself the right hope dear friend.  Only you can decide to be happy.   Sorry in case my views are irrelevant or not put across in a manner you can relate to.  Take care, and cheering for your eventual recovery.   Many of us are just a post away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi AgentFit, thanks for your advice. I do quite agree to your statement that a relationship is indeed like dancing. I can see that I move forward too much and has push him to the corner. I really see and realize a lot of things these couple of days and sincerely wish to change for him and also for a better me in the future. However, he couldn't sense my sincerity and all he replied to me recently was just very cold statement. Usually in the past whenever we argue, he would be ok the next day or even just few hours later. But this time, it's very serious till he needed a break and I sense he still felt very moody and helpless (just like me) for almost a week now. 

 

And here are my answers to ur questions:

1.  Does continuing in the relationship, whatever is left, make you happy? Does it help you become a better person?

I truly believe so. We have really been thru a lot of things for a long time and I do have confidence that he still love me. Just by seeing him doing little thing or even nothing already makes my day. If we are able to reconcile, then I will take this 'break' as a great lesson for both of us and for me to become a better person. I'm now filling myself with new hobbies to occupy the current dark time I going thru. I will try not to be overdependent on him in the future and will try to control my emotions.

 

I admit most of the times we argue is because I started it (from my spontaneous response/emotion), but do understand that some argument I started are actually reasonable from my end too. Hence, it's the problem of both of us. It's just that it had reached a breaking point last week where he seems too tired that these issues keep resurfacing and told me honestly that he felt immense stress from my text n call that easily spiral out of control last week during the period when I'm experiencing emotional instability.  

 

2.  Given what you have been going  through in the months/years, do you think he will want to continue in the relationship, despite whatever assurances you make to change?

I hope he will. But I really do not know his decision. I dun think he make any decision yet. I guess on one hand, he is trying to let me go so that I can find a better person more suited for me (this is out of his concern for me). On the other hand, he must be feeling hard to let go coz deep down I know he still love me. I can feel it although we are very far away. I did hint a little of my assurance to him previously (I didn't elaborate any further as I really dun wan to give him any further pressure and he was stone cold that time) but he just couldn't take it in that time during his most fragile moment. 

 

3.  Do you like how you are now?  If I got it correctly, you are experiencing feelings of blaming yourself, hurt, helplessness.  How were you like when you were at your best?

Yes, although I tried to keep myself busy, but I constantly think about him and missing him deeply. I did experience those feelings too and I'm certain he do as well. Even when I'm at my best previously, I am still quite a loner with very few friends. Only go to work everyday, back to home where my partner is, and we did our own thing. I'm not sure what you intend to ask from this question actually.

 

I'm now still silently missing him and hoping for the best. 

 

 

[cityhallguy]

I think you have done enough on looking back and self-reflection. It’s time for you to move on.

Every individual love relationships are so different. What he, him, she or her said might not be a good reference or guide to you. 
 

Be kind and nice to yourself. Having a partner is to love, support, care and building a life together. Not to have a partner to stress yourself and suck up all your energies that you lost yourself and being who you are. 

[Guest tm_]

20 minutes ago, cityhallguy said:

I think you have done enough on looking back and self-reflection. It’s time for you to move on.

Every individual love relationships are so different. What he, him, she or her said might not be a good reference or guide to you. 
 

Be kind and nice to yourself. Having a partner is to love, support, care and building a life together. Not to have a partner to stress yourself and suck up all your energies that you lost yourself and being who you are. 

Yup...I'm slowly moving on now. I'm slowly accepting if he eventually decided to let go of this relationship. But at this point, I know I love him and there is nothing wrong for me to still waiting for him. Deep down I can feel that he still love me too. That is why I still believe our relationship can proceed with a little tweak here and there. 

 

But what I'm a little anxious now is how long should I wait? I dun wan to pressure him and hence we didnt set any timeframe. Any suggestion? 2 weeks? A month? It's bad to wait too long as it prolonged everyone's pain. 

[Guest lecturer]

First lesson love yourself before love others.

People comes and go from your life. Nothing will last. Appreciate that you lived the moment and had the experience of a relationship. Some dont even have that experience, for me.. yeah i never been in a relationship and longed for one despite know that the sweeter the relationship is the bitter the ending will be. I always have had one sided affection though. Anyway, you need to be self sufficient and not relying or clinging to your partner for emotional support.. the thought of it is that its very irritating for me when my partner become clingy and starts depending on me for fulfilment. No one nor your partners should own you a shoulders. We need positive vibes and not negatives.. If you are giving negative vibes.. this is to be expected from any one who is in a relationship with you. First find what can keeps you going without owing it to your partner or ex.. There is a reason why many of us gay.. and some partly reasons shall not be mentioned. So start with yourself, work on yourself. Then, that's how you can engage in a relationship.

[Guest lecturer]

you already state down many of your problems here.. and well aware of it.. would you love someone who is currently you.. being so clingy and emotional.. seriously put yourself in your partner shoes.. what kind of partners would you be attracted to or have that charisma that you seek. if you are becoming negative and emotional clingy, you have so much work to begin with yourself.. best of luck..

[Guest tm_]

2 minutes ago, Guest lecturer said:

you already state down many of your problems here.. and well aware of it.. would you love someone who is currently you.. being so clingy and emotional.. seriously put yourself in your partner shoes.. what kind of partners would you be attracted to or have that charisma that you seek. if you are becoming negative and emotional clingy, you have so much work to begin with yourself.. best of luck..

Hi, you must have missed what i have written. i do realize what i have done and am willing to improve. just that my partner may not be able to see that i can work that out for the relationship if he eventually decided for a break-up. i do know i am clingy in the past but not too overly clingy. i do give my partner time and space to be alone at times too. 

[singalion]

6 hours ago, AgentFit said:

 

Hi tm_  I can imagine the pain and hurt you must be experiencing now.  Please know that you are not alone.  The good news is time heals, and hurts don't last if we don't give them permission to last.   Years back, a psychologist friend once shared that relationship is like dancing => you move forward, your partner retreats;  and when you step back, your partner comes forward.  If we keep stepping forward, the partner will keep stepping backwards and eventually feel cornered.  In short, both parties must tango in tandem.  An uninterested partner will not step forward and will eventually feel overwhelmed and cornered by the interested party who keeps  moving forward.   The advice was an important factor that helped me decide to move away from a prolonged situation of pain.   I hope it helps you too.

 

The famous saying goes, "whatever doesn't kill, builds."  In pain, we can develop strength and resilience.  I hope the pain, which motivated you to make this BW post, will also motivate you to make some important decisions.  Despite the long post you made, there's still a chance that a bystander like me might give the wrong 'advice' based on our own experiences.   Perhaps some questions below might help you to make some important decisions? 

1.  Does continuing in the relationship, whatever is left, make you happy? Does it help you become a better person?

 

2.  Given what you have been going  through in the months/years, do you think he will want to continue in the relationship, despite whatever assurances you make to change?
 

3.  Do you like how you are now?  If I got it correctly, you are experiencing feelings of blaming yourself, hurt, helplessness.  How were you like when you were at your best?

 

"Hope" can be uplifting but "wrong hope" can be deadly.  Give yourself the right hope dear friend.  Only you can decide to be happy.   Sorry in case my views are irrelevant or not put across in a manner you can relate to.  Take care, and cheering for your eventual recovery.   Many of us are just a post away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You left out that relationships have ups and downs, and often downs are bumping up more often in the middle section (after 8 - 12 years) .

 

Relationships develop. The thing is to keep the trust and keep the being together going somehow.

 

After 20 years most relationships won't break up any longer, sure few do, but most won't .

People are just used to each other and breaking up would mean too much loss and loneliness in older age. people tend to avoid.

 

It is a thin thread that keep relationships going on some instances. Yes, you feel secure in your relationship and then something just bumps up that makes you explode.

 

But always make a judgment call. We are humans, we are different, we have temper, we have certain views, the other has other views, is less outspoken etc.

 

However, I do not think that any of above applies to TS.

 

His relationship never really got off in my opinion. I think both never got to a stage that I would call a serious relationship.

 

Sure I wish TS a happy relationship, but let's stay realistic.

 

The other part seems not overly interested in him.

Yes, maybe you sit on a bus to KL and don't check your phone every second and reading a book. But the other keeping quiet for "years", not really taking any initiative to be together with TS and even unhappy when they meet? In any relationship I would be totally motivated to be together as much as I can and share the life.

I don't see any motivation by the other part.

 

 

Edited April 4, 2023 by singalion

[cityhallguy]

6 hours ago, Guest tm_ said:

Yup...I'm slowly moving on now. I'm slowly accepting if he eventually decided to let go of this relationship. But at this point, I know I love him and there is nothing wrong for me to still waiting for him. Deep down I can feel that he still love me too. That is why I still believe our relationship can proceed with a little tweak here and there. 

 

But what I'm a little anxious now is how long should I wait? I dun wan to pressure him and hence we didnt set any timeframe. Any suggestion? 2 weeks? A month? It's bad to wait too long as it prolonged everyone's pain. 

Well, you can continue to wait if you think is worth the wait…. No one knows when would it be happened! I more curious is how you know he’s in pain? You need to see a mental health professional like a counselor to help you control your emotions and not letting it to control your life too much. 

[IkuTube]

On 4/4/2023 at 9:14 PM, Guest tm_ said:

Yup...I'm slowly moving on now. I'm slowly accepting if he eventually decided to let go of this relationship. But at this point, I know I love him and there is nothing wrong for me to still waiting for him. Deep down I can feel that he still love me too. That is why I still believe our relationship can proceed with a little tweak here and there. 

 

But what I'm a little anxious now is how long should I wait? I dun wan to pressure him and hence we didnt set any timeframe. Any suggestion? 2 weeks? A month? It's bad to wait too long as it prolonged everyone's pain. 

 

Time does not live in a container.  Everything in life happens for a (good) reason and it is teaching us something.  Time is a trajectory where it connects us with humanity.

You have the foresight to set the time to determine the right time.  Should you are to pick up your own words, the answer is there.  The words you chose - "anxious" and "pressure" - are significant.  They are your intuition to guide you.  

Only you know your partner best and how he reacts with situations.  Perhaps, when you are much calmer is the right time?  As for now, and with respect to you, it is normal that you are experiencing with confusing feelings.  You miss him.  You feel lonely without having him.  You are afraid to lose him.  All these feelings will lead you to second guessing.

The good yardstick is to look back on how things ended, on how things have come to where it is today.  Surely you should avoid igniting more fire when your partner is already not having enough space to breathe.  The expression to strike when the iron is hot does not apply here and it is more likely to be problematic to reach out to him.  Haste may lead to more mistakes and poor results.

Silence has a place here.  Give it an appropriate amount of time.  Maybe after two weeks (since you quoted this time frame), casually send him a text to ask about his well being.  When you do that, avoid pressing the wrong button to talk about the 'break' or what would be his decision or how miserable you have been.  Simply, do not pressure him just because you need/want the answer.

 

I respect your belief system where you "believe our relationship can proceed with a little tweak here and there".  It is with internalized affirmation that success awaits.

I know the days are not easy for you.  But do remember, as you are healing yourself now, so is your partner.  I do wish for your positivity where you said, "there is nothing wrong for me to still waiting for him" and that "deep down I can feel that he still love me too" manifests into a great love story where you and your partner will be together all over again.

 

 

[Guest Huh]

I've been following this thread and there are a few good responses but i feel like many are being a bit harsh on OP. It is good that OP is self reflecting -  nothing wrong with that - , but it's plain obvious that it is his bf that has very disappointingly and cowardly abandoned the relationship and led OP on for so many years. 

 

Of course we only know OP's side of the story, but if we take was OP said as true, I think he has been quite self-aware and has been fairly accommodating enough. OP's bf on the other hand is probably only still in OP's life because they are housemates. Seriously, i don't see any effort or sincerity from him.

 

OP keeps getting criticism for being "too needy", but I really don't think that's THE issue. 

 

No matter what, if the bf had lost interest or was unhappy, he could have communicated or worst case broken up, right? Why didn't he? Because he doesn't respect OP. Some of the ways he treated OP (again assuming OP can be believed) are just downright infuriating. 

 

It takes 2 hands to clap. My take is that OP has sincerely tried, and the "bf" doesn't - and hasn't for many years give(en) a damn.    Hurriedly-written short rants about overclingliness from people who didn't read everything, and  fluffy, flowery, feel-good talk, are just gonna gaslight OP into more needless (not to mention incorrect) angst and  aren't going to help OP get out of what is an incredibly toxic situation that should have ended years ago.   Dude's "bf" is a jackass who doesn't respect OP at all. Now, does OP respect himself?

[Guest Truth]

14 hours ago, Guest Huh said:

I've been following this thread and there are a few good responses but i feel like many are being a bit harsh on OP. It is good that OP is self reflecting -  nothing wrong with that - , but it's plain obvious that it is his bf that has very disappointingly and cowardly abandoned the relationship and led OP on for so many years. 

 

Of course we only know OP's side of the story, but if we take was OP said as true, I think he has been quite self-aware and has been fairly accommodating enough. OP's bf on the other hand is probably only still in OP's life because they are housemates. Seriously, i don't see any effort or sincerity from him.

 

OP keeps getting criticism for being "too needy", but I really don't think that's THE issue. 

 

No matter what, if the bf had lost interest or was unhappy, he could have communicated or worst case broken up, right? Why didn't he? Because he doesn't respect OP. Some of the ways he treated OP (again assuming OP can be believed) are just downright infuriating. 

 

It takes 2 hands to clap. My take is that OP has sincerely tried, and the "bf" doesn't - and hasn't for many years give(en) a damn.    Hurriedly-written short rants about overclingliness from people who didn't read everything, and  fluffy, flowery, feel-good talk, are just gonna gaslight OP into more needless (not to mention incorrect) angst and  aren't going to help OP get out of what is an incredibly toxic situation that should have ended years ago.   Dude's "bf" is a jackass who doesn't respect OP at all. Now, does OP respect himself?

 

I don't think people here are harsh on OP.

I think OP is just the kind of person that is so thick that really need to be harsh and direct to get through to him.

 

Nobody in their right mind would have continued with the bf given the circumstances; no sex, bf doesn't give a shit.

But OP still die die clung on to the bf to the point where the bf literally had to move overseas to get away from OP.

 

Even after the bf made it clear that he wants to move on, OP still insist on waiting for him.

Honestly, OP sounds like a teenager at this point. It's hard to believe a 30 year old can be so emotionally immature.

 

OP: Please move on. As everyone in this thread pointed out, your bf moved on years ago. You only have 1 life, don't waste it waiting around for your ex-bf, he will never come back to you. I predict it won't be long before your ex-bf gets attached again.

 

As harsh as my words may be, I sincerely hope they get through to you and you don't waste your life pining for someone who is not meant to be yours.

 

 

[singalion]

15 hours ago, Guest Huh said:

No matter what, if the bf had lost interest or was unhappy, he could have communicated or worst case broken up, right? Why didn't he? Because he doesn't respect OP. Some of the ways he treated OP (again assuming OP can be believed) are just downright infuriating. 

 

It takes 2 hands to clap. My take is that OP has sincerely tried, and the "bf" doesn't - and hasn't for many years give(en) a damn.    Hurriedly-written short rants about overclingliness from people who didn't read everything, and  fluffy, flowery, feel-good talk, are just gonna gaslight OP into more needless (not to mention incorrect) angst and  aren't going to help OP get out of what is an incredibly toxic situation that should have ended years ago.   Dude's "bf" is a jackass who doesn't respect OP at all. Now, does OP respect himself?

 

Maybe he didn't because the "bf" knew the TS/OP too good and feared his emotional outburst, maybe even more.

 

We all know these: "If you leave me, I will do this" type of scenarios.

 

I see that the "bf" meant, avoiding an emotional breakdown with TS or something even "more serious" I don't even want to write here... but hoping that TS will realise himself for the relationship being over.

 

To me all, also taking on that overseas work part, are signs that he wanted to stay distant from TS.

 

 

[Guest tm_]

Allow me to explain slightly further on the sex part. Yes, he did inform me recently he no longer have the desire for sex with me after about 2 years into relationship after I raise this topic out. He did feel guilty about it. But he did told me he still love me and he would still very willingly hug and kiss me at times, oso will do handjob to me. i really dun mind the anal sex part too as i only would like to do that once in couple of months. perhaps i see this as really like a normal couple situation who stayed together and see each other everyday...the sex part really dies down with time.

 

he did ask me to move on and also replied to me that he is ok with me expanding my circle, meeting more LGBT friend so that I can share my story. let me say it clear this time, we agreed on a break, not a break-up yet. hence he didnt tell me that he ok with me finding a new partner/relationship. 

 

btw, today i sent a text asking how is he doin? He told me he is doing fine. I reiterated that i will continue to give him time n space before making the decision. He said he still unsure on what to do but did told me that he enjoyed the personal time he had now, he can make any decision he like and can do the things he like. I can sense I really gave him a lot of stress previously. The way he said these also may mean he really prefer to be single at least for the duration of these few months for him to enjoy his working holiday. i duno. i may now wait for another one to two weeks. Max is 3 weeks. After that if he still unsure, then it's really the best for me to fully move on and let him go. 

 

We did went for working holiday together last year for about 7 months. He was happy that I followed him although there are oso some arguments in between (this is inevitable in any relationship). We return this year to SG during CNY. I have to stay here in SG for work and I agree to his decision to continue his working holiday there this time with his two friends until July. Although I'm not excited for that decision, but i know i have to free him up. 

 

And then i been bothering him quite frequently, had mental breakdown recently n affected him a lot hence he called for this break. 

[Guest tm_]

I know many here said I should not continue with him anymore. but im not the person that easily give up. but i oso won't let this ruin my life. hence i decided to set a timeline. i didnt tell him. but if after two weeks more and he still has no decision, then it is my call to end it. No point waiting any further. 

 

the relationship has become unhealthy not only because of his shortcomings. it's also partly due to fault from my end that i didnt realize until now. he oso did told me just now that he dun wan to experience anymore those kind of argument that becomes a never ending loop that keep appearing once every few months/weeks. 

 

thanks for the feedback after all. i think that is sufficient. i will update here after he/i decided. thanks again for ur time reading thru all these. i think i have written a short novel here at this forum. haha

[jarenboi]

17 hours ago, Guest tm_ said:

Allow me to explain slightly further on the sex part. Yes, he did inform me recently he no longer have the desire for sex with me after about 2 years into relationship after I raise this topic out. He did feel guilty about it. But he did told me he still love me and he would still very willingly hug and kiss me at times, oso will do handjob to me. i really dun mind the anal sex part too as i only would like to do that once in couple of months. perhaps i see this as really like a normal couple situation who stayed together and see each other everyday...the sex part really dies down with time.

 

he did ask me to move on and also replied to me that he is ok with me expanding my circle, meeting more LGBT friend so that I can share my story. let me say it clear this time, we agreed on a break, not a break-up yet. hence he didnt tell me that he ok with me finding a new partner/relationship. 

 

btw, today i sent a text asking how is he doin? He told me he is doing fine. I reiterated that i will continue to give him time n space before making the decision. He said he still unsure on what to do but did told me that he enjoyed the personal time he had now, he can make any decision he like and can do the things he like. I can sense I really gave him a lot of stress previously. The way he said these also may mean he really prefer to be single at least for the duration of these few months for him to enjoy his working holiday. i duno. i may now wait for another one to two weeks. Max is 3 weeks. After that if he still unsure, then it's really the best for me to fully move on and let him go. 

 

We did went for working holiday together last year for about 7 months. He was happy that I followed him although there are oso some arguments in between (this is inevitable in any relationship). We return this year to SG during CNY. I have to stay here in SG for work and I agree to his decision to continue his working holiday there this time with his two friends until July. Although I'm not excited for that decision, but i know i have to free him up. 

 

And then i been bothering him quite frequently, had mental breakdown recently n affected him a lot hence he called for this break. 

I won't comment on the issues you shared because I don't think it is relevant. Although it gives us some background information to the situation you are in, I personally think that what happens between you and your partner is between the two of you, so only the two of you know best. Outsiders like us won't be able to comment much.

I am sorry but I will have to be direct from this point onwards.

 

Tbh, I feel that he is using "break" as an excuse to go and get to know more people. He is also asking you to "expand your circle and meet more LGBT friends" so that it does not look bad on just him alone.

There are just some people who are like this (not just in the gay circle, this can happen with straight people too). When one feels tired or lost interest in the rs, he would propose taking a "break" so that he can keep the partner around as "the safe option is still out there for him".

The agreement on a "break" is an ambiguity. This means that suppose after some time, if he finds someone suitable, he will officially break up with you. Otherwise, he will come back to you by framing it such that he has given "enough thought" and thinks that "you are still the one for him".

The question you have to ask yourself is whether are you willing to be his "backup".

I see some similarity between your partner and my ex. Although I would say my ex is probably far worse than your partner.

I personally got over a 4 years rs after some time. It was hard. It takes time to move on, and it will not be easy.

In a rs, you should always remember that you need to love yourself more than you love your partner. That is the lesson I learnt from my past rs.

 

I think you should move on. You really deserve better. Trust me, you will be able to find someone who shares the same love frequency / language as you.

Edited April 7, 2023 by jarenboi

[Guest Deidre]

Relationships fail when people take their own insecurities and project them as their partner's flaws.

[Guest guest]

7 hours ago, Guest Deidre said:

Relationships fail when people take their own insecurities and project them as their partner's flaws.

I think u are either single or in an open "relationshit"

[And then]

On 4/7/2023 at 6:04 AM, jarenboi said:

...

 

Tbh, I feel that he is using "break" as an excuse to go and get to know more people. He is also asking you to "expand your circle and meet more LGBT friends" so that it does not look bad on just him alone.

There are just some people who are like this (not just in the gay circle, this can happen with straight people too). When one feels tired or lost interest in the rs, he would propose taking a "break" so that he can keep the partner around as "the safe option is still out there for him".

The agreement on a "break" is an ambiguity. This means that suppose after some time, if he finds someone suitable, he will officially break up with you. Otherwise, he will come back to you by framing it such that he has given "enough thought" and thinks that "you are still the one for him"...

 

I do not see this "break" as wanting to keep the OP as a backup, but rather, the "break" is a euphemism for breakup.

Some people just do not want to come right out and say it.

Just like saying the word "thanks" after receiving a grindr photo, instead of saying sorry no match.

 

[Guest Reality]

On 4/2/2023 at 10:53 AM, Guest tm_ said:

Sorry for the long post but would really appreciate it if you can read it all and share your thoughts. I desperately need it especially from people like us in this LGBT circle. Thanks.

 

Hi, I'm 32 this year and my partner is 30. We met through Grindr app and have since been in relationship for 3 years and a half now. This is my first ever relationship and so I admit that I am very inexperienced on this and is immature at times which led to a break that my partner decided a couple of days ago. 

 

I am the kind of person who is a bit more emotional and romantic while my partner is the total opposite. During the early time of our dating (like first 6 months into our relationship), he had been very sweet and attentive to me. He would text me occasionally every day to say that he miss me or simply just to ask about my day. I love this constant attention that he gave me. He is a top and I am a top. As I do love him and in our first ever ex, I was willing to be bottom for the first time for him. Painful but I was willing to do it as I love him. Ever since, I have been bottom all the way for him. We never treat it as sex but as a true love-making session, a way for us to express love to each other and get intimate closely. 

 

After a year into dating, I had an idea of us moving in together (rent a room and live together). He initially reluctant but agree to do so after few months of thought. We had been doing fine in the first few months after moving together. He had a serious snoring issue which affected my sleep almost every night but I do still wish to sleep by his side. He also sometime woke up from his sleep in the midnight and talk or did some minor actions deriving from his dreams that sometime frighten me out of my sleep. It's strange but I do like all these little gestures of him. I just enjoyed being with him.

 

However, after that few months, it felt like he is my roommate rather than my partner. He wanted to do his own thing more (go out for walk alone, etc) without asking me to join. I gave him some space and let him be. I myself also do my own thing too. I respected that. We only went out for a dinner outside once every weekend as a simple date. The following is more of a concern; he is not interesting on having sex with me anymore. Previously we did it like once in a month, then once in 2 months, then slowly turning to once in a year. More on this later. He never been sweet to me anymore. No more sweet gesture or text anymore. I accepted that since he told me before that's his personality (which is somehow so different to how he treat me in the beginning of our relationship).

 

Then on early last year, he decided to go on a working holiday abroad. I decided to drop everything and join him. I personally wanted to take a break too from my stressful career here in SG. We had a wonderful time during the 7 months long working holiday. However, there were always these little actions from him that felt like he was not caring or loving me anymore. We never had sex during these working holiday (I thought maybe he was tired and want to just focus on the working holiday). When I was sick and I told him, he would just ignore it and continue on doing his own stuff downstair in the living room while I rest in bedroom upstair alone. We occasionally argue too (well, this is sort of common for any relationship so I didn't think too much about this point). 

 

We came back to SG on February this year. He decided to continue on the working holiday at the same place and this time with two of his friends. Well, he didn't ask me to join. I myself also personally bounded by the unpaid leave from my previous employer and I have to get back to work. Hence, I didn't come along. Before we start our long distance relationship, I tried to initiate more meet up with him before he leave by end of February so that I am able to spend more time with him before he goes. He told me he tried to agree to some of the meet up as he was busy meeting up with his friends in SG and had some work to do before he leave. I understand. I also knew him as I have been with him for this long. He is like this all the time. He is the kind of person who puts a balance to everything (he prioritizes me and also friendship-he has a lot of friends), he thinks very logically (which is good but sometimes I think love has to be illogical), and he consider convenience first before everything else (for example he won't purposely spend extra buck or travel the extra distance to seize the chance to see me two hours earlier after a month of not seeing each other...he just won't do it).

And we did argue on this topic several times in the past but never had a solution as he insisted he would never change his personality. 

 

Then, I arrange for a quick staycation at JB one week before he leave to continue his working holiday. It's like our last two nights together and of course I would like to cherish the moment. Once we back to hotel in the evening, he wanted to do his own thing (research on his accommodation and stuff for his working holiday). I then tried to flirt him but he told me he doesn't have mood. I then insist and he was finally willing to engage sex with me. However, it was just a quick sex and he couldn't stay hard long and couldn't cum. He told me he jerk off that morning before we go to JB. 

 

Then next day, he wanted to follow his one group of friends to play badminton. I agreed and followed him. I initially thought that we can go dating right after that. However, after the badminton, the group had more things planned and were all the way up to the end of the day. My partner happily agreed (well, I told u before he do enjoy being with friends and spending time with them). My mood turned not well as it was our last dating day before he goes. I did gave him hint but he ask me to go back hotel first while he want to continue to catch up with his friends. I'm more heartbroken at this point. He realized that but it's already too late as it's already almost end of the day (evening already) and went back to hotel together with me while his group of friends also ended the day. Once back in our room, he pretend nothing happen. However, I brought the issue up so that we can discuss together. I told him that the whole day gathering is perfectly fine if there are still many days ahead for us to date. But this is actually our last day to date before he goes. And he decided to spend it with his friends and not realizing how important it is to me. Then we quarrel. I cried and he never come to console or hug me or anything. This time it's a big quarrel. I also highlighted to him on our sex life. I told him that I even have to resort to losing my dignity yesterday for begging him for sex yesterday. Then he confessed to me saying that he had no interest to have sex with me anymore especially after staying together for so long like those old couple. He knew it is a problem but decided to keep quiet all along. I was yet painfully heartbroken again. Then I told him that we have just been staying together for two years and he already had this feeling. We are still young adult and is normal for me to have such need. He just brush it off and told me if I was willing to wait for him after he finish this working holiday and come back by July and see whether he has improve on his part. I agreed. He even suggested that I could go on an open relationship and find other for sex since he couldn't satisfy me. I told him I couldn't do so as I find that as cheating and not loyal to my partner if I engage in sexual relationship with others.

 

He then left for working holiday. It was our first time experiencing long distance relationship. I have very few friends here. I have been too used of living together with him, having him by my side everyday. Hence, going back to living alone was quite a big challenge to me. Hence, I do constantly text him and get emotional easily. I propose we had a video call on every Sunday and he agreed (do you notice I initiate all these all the time and not a single time from his side?). During video call, I would want to stay as long as possible, share as many little things from my side as possible to him. I just wanted to see him longer. On his other end, he felt tired and sleepy all the time, showing all the signs that he is not interested on listening, he had no topics to share and then want to end the call every time. It's always until midnight only he had time to had this video call with me and he appear very sleepy every time. I tried to understand that and I did highlight to him that I'm hoping he would be more proactive on next call. But he just never did. On everyday, he will only text me 'good night' right at the moment before he sleep, not giving me some time for us to at least have a bit of live chat before the end of day (I even didn't request for this to be daily but just for some time only). He told me he was tired. Sometime I would just want to chat with him 'live' but he said just text him and he will reply next day. Well, ok. I understand he was really busy with his work, his friends, his all sort of gatherings over there that would made me jealous sometime while I was all alone here. I just couldn't avoid feeling it. 

 

There was a time when I get emotionally unstable (perhaps is depression) and I told him I needed his attention and care a bit more that couple of days. I just wanted to have a chat with him or hear his voice that will motivate me to stay on. He doesn't have the time for me. He joined his housemates for party and got drunk. I needed to call him (I seriously need him that moment) but he just ignore my message. He then reply me after few hours that he was tired and drunk and how about a call tomorrow. I told him I just needed a quick one. He agree. But we then quarrel again due to my poor state of mind and mood that time. I was really unwell those few days. He never text and ask me how I feel. I express my thought to him on why he wouldn't text. He said I need to tell him frankly and directly and only then he will ask. To be honest, I did try that approach last time but he still be as he is (will still never ask me how I feel back). Then he told me again the same things (he prioritizes time with friends, he is still sticking with his personality, blah blah blah). I told him I never actually wanted him to change (since I already knew him for so long and love him the way he is). I just wanted him to improve, to sacrifice a little, to sometime give way and to put a little effort to make a relationship works. I always believe a one-sided relationship is unhealthy. Then he defended himself by saying he did put effort and just that I can't see it. These problems will not be solved forever and we are just running in circles. I agree to this but I do sincerely promise that I will do more to make this work. I ask him to promise and he say he can't. He told me he don't simply promise. Does that mean I simply made promise? I don't know.

 

I texted him that I missed him and asked him whether he missed me after few days. He didn't reply me back. My mood that day turned bad again. Imagine your partner not even reply ur text but still had time to do his stuff, play his phone, etc. I ask him why he didn't reply me after more than half day. He should have had all the time to finish busy with his stuff and come back to me. He then told me and he said those question gave him stress and I should know by now that he is not that kind of sweet person. He told me that he is now afraid every single time I ask him things, I texted him or I call him. In conclusion, he told me I gave him a lot of stress and that he also know he affected my mood a lot. Yup...I couldn't disagree to that. He then propose we go on a break three days ago. We promise to give us space in this time (but didn't specify any timeframe) to evaluate. 

 

I couldn't hold it and I texted him again yesterday telling him that I seriously miss him and wanted to just have a chat with him as I couldn't find anyone else to chat. He was online but only texted me back three hours later. I'm glad he did agree for the voice call. He listen to what I wanted to say but he was very cold to me from his voice. He told me to move on and share my stuff with my close friend or family. I was really afraid of losing him especially after listening to him being so cold to me yesterday. I was just calm. I told him I admit that I made mistakes. I admit that I was wrong and childish especially the last few weeks of this long distance relationship and that I think I do really over dependent on him too much. I told him I am willing to improve and I still love him no matter what. I did emphasize to him that I'm not trying to give him stress and i will give him time during this so-called 'break'. I also told him I do realize after the two days of silence that he did put in effort on our relationship in the past and I'm sorry that I only saw it this late after thinking heavily. I also told him not to blame himself for what he had done to me as he informed me that he did blamed himself for hurting me. This is all part of learning process for us to grow better. I really wanted to maintain this relationship. I guess now I just need to give him space and time and while I quietly missing him from my side here. Sorry for such a lengthy post. What's your take on this? Would appreciate if you have some feedback on my situation. Sincere thanks. 

This is the problem with gay rs, there is nothing to pull the couple together unlike straight who have children. For straight even if either starts to lose interest/sex (very common actually) the children is the "glue" because it is both responsibilities. For gays can just break and find a more attractive guy to hookup on apps anytime. I see more single than gay couples.