Had a break in a relationship and wish to share my thought here and seeking your feedback. Thanks

chiPJ · April 10, 2023

On 4/9/2023 at 12:40 PM, Guest Reality said:

This is the problem with gay rs, there is nothing to pull the couple together unlike straight who have children. For straight even if either starts to lose interest/sex (very common actually) the children is the "glue" because it is both responsibilities. For gays can just break and find a more attractive guy to hookup on apps anytime. I see more single than gay couples.

that's why many guys go into the 'open relationship' territory. physical fun with others but keeping a sort of bond between the two original boyfriends... i've personally seen gay couples last through many years and even decades in this sort of arrangement... maybe like family already, no romance or spice... don't know if that constitutes as a relationship too. but each couple has their own form...

chiPJ · April 10, 2023

Guest TM, thanks for sharing your story and updates with us.

For me it seems like he is trailing off and isn't invested in you any further. Everything is one sided. You initiate, you plan and think through. He is passive.

If he wants to make it work, he would have done something. Rather than 'going away' and enjoying his space. Also, the fact that he asked you to meet new friends is also a sign that he wants you to move on and build a life without him. He wishes you can find a new guy too, I feel.

It's painful to acknowledge this but I think he's been stringing you on too long.

These two weeks you can try to disengage totally to see if he will 'miss you'. After this timeline that you've set, you can maybe see if he would reach out again, but if he doesn't... his absence could be a very solid answer d... for you to move on, grieve and start anew.. you're still young anyway.

I am going through a similar thing now. It's really tough. I'm also much older than you yet these emotions are valid and hurtful. It's not easy. I hope you can gather strength to move on, to survive.

April 10, 2023

Hi all,

Thanks for the feedback so far. Just to update everyone, I did had a long chat with my partner. He decided that official break-up is the best for both of us. I agreed. He shared out his thoughts from his heart. At first he told me he was still undecided but eventually he told me he still love me but that feeling slowly erodes due to all the constant arguments/conflicts we had that build up a lot of pressure on him. It has become a really toxic relationship. He also suspect that the 'love' may have just become commitment only. There is a firewall in him. He felt he had to be very careful on whatever things he said or do even if we reconcile today and that is not healthy for any relationship. He still couldn't be free and be himself. He still couldn't let go of that weight during this short period of break. It is my fault too of needing him to set a timeframe for the break as I do not know how long should I wait further. He also feel bad for me if I keep on waiting for him. Hence, we came to a conclusion at least. I understand all that with a calm attitude now.

He said we are still close friend and I can find him for chat just not anything intimate anymore. That's all. Now I really have to prioritize my time for healing (it will be really tough but I have to). I sincerely wish him all the best in everything.

April 10, 2023

On 4/2/2023 at 10:53 AM, Guest tm_ said:

Sorry for the long post but would really appreciate it if you can read it all and share your thoughts. I desperately need it especially from people like us in this LGBT circle. Thanks.

Hi, I'm 32 this year and my partner is 30. We met through Grindr app and have since been in relationship for 3 years and a half now. This is my first ever relationship and so I admit that I am very inexperienced on this and is immature at times which led to a break that my partner decided a couple of days ago.

I am the kind of person who is a bit more emotional and romantic while my partner is the total opposite. During the early time of our dating (like first 6 months into our relationship), he had been very sweet and attentive to me. He would text me occasionally every day to say that he miss me or simply just to ask about my day. I love this constant attention that he gave me. He is a top and I am a top. As I do love him and in our first ever ex, I was willing to be bottom for the first time for him. Painful but I was willing to do it as I love him. Ever since, I have been bottom all the way for him. We never treat it as sex but as a true love-making session, a way for us to express love to each other and get intimate closely.

After a year into dating, I had an idea of us moving in together (rent a room and live together). He initially reluctant but agree to do so after few months of thought. We had been doing fine in the first few months after moving together. He had a serious snoring issue which affected my sleep almost every night but I do still wish to sleep by his side. He also sometime woke up from his sleep in the midnight and talk or did some minor actions deriving from his dreams that sometime frighten me out of my sleep. It's strange but I do like all these little gestures of him. I just enjoyed being with him.

However, after that few months, it felt like he is my roommate rather than my partner. He wanted to do his own thing more (go out for walk alone, etc) without asking me to join. I gave him some space and let him be. I myself also do my own thing too. I respected that. We only went out for a dinner outside once every weekend as a simple date. The following is more of a concern; he is not interesting on having sex with me anymore. Previously we did it like once in a month, then once in 2 months, then slowly turning to once in a year. More on this later. He never been sweet to me anymore. No more sweet gesture or text anymore. I accepted that since he told me before that's his personality (which is somehow so different to how he treat me in the beginning of our relationship).

Then on early last year, he decided to go on a working holiday abroad. I decided to drop everything and join him. I personally wanted to take a break too from my stressful career here in SG. We had a wonderful time during the 7 months long working holiday. However, there were always these little actions from him that felt like he was not caring or loving me anymore. We never had sex during these working holiday (I thought maybe he was tired and want to just focus on the working holiday). When I was sick and I told him, he would just ignore it and continue on doing his own stuff downstair in the living room while I rest in bedroom upstair alone. We occasionally argue too (well, this is sort of common for any relationship so I didn't think too much about this point).

We came back to SG on February this year. He decided to continue on the working holiday at the same place and this time with two of his friends. Well, he didn't ask me to join. I myself also personally bounded by the unpaid leave from my previous employer and I have to get back to work. Hence, I didn't come along. Before we start our long distance relationship, I tried to initiate more meet up with him before he leave by end of February so that I am able to spend more time with him before he goes. He told me he tried to agree to some of the meet up as he was busy meeting up with his friends in SG and had some work to do before he leave. I understand. I also knew him as I have been with him for this long. He is like this all the time. He is the kind of person who puts a balance to everything (he prioritizes me and also friendship-he has a lot of friends), he thinks very logically (which is good but sometimes I think love has to be illogical), and he consider convenience first before everything else (for example he won't purposely spend extra buck or travel the extra distance to seize the chance to see me two hours earlier after a month of not seeing each other...he just won't do it).

And we did argue on this topic several times in the past but never had a solution as he insisted he would never change his personality.

Then, I arrange for a quick staycation at JB one week before he leave to continue his working holiday. It's like our last two nights together and of course I would like to cherish the moment. Once we back to hotel in the evening, he wanted to do his own thing (research on his accommodation and stuff for his working holiday). I then tried to flirt him but he told me he doesn't have mood. I then insist and he was finally willing to engage sex with me. However, it was just a quick sex and he couldn't stay hard long and couldn't cum. He told me he jerk off that morning before we go to JB.

Then next day, he wanted to follow his one group of friends to play badminton. I agreed and followed him. I initially thought that we can go dating right after that. However, after the badminton, the group had more things planned and were all the way up to the end of the day. My partner happily agreed (well, I told u before he do enjoy being with friends and spending time with them). My mood turned not well as it was our last dating day before he goes. I did gave him hint but he ask me to go back hotel first while he want to continue to catch up with his friends. I'm more heartbroken at this point. He realized that but it's already too late as it's already almost end of the day (evening already) and went back to hotel together with me while his group of friends also ended the day. Once back in our room, he pretend nothing happen. However, I brought the issue up so that we can discuss together. I told him that the whole day gathering is perfectly fine if there are still many days ahead for us to date. But this is actually our last day to date before he goes. And he decided to spend it with his friends and not realizing how important it is to me. Then we quarrel. I cried and he never come to console or hug me or anything. This time it's a big quarrel. I also highlighted to him on our sex life. I told him that I even have to resort to losing my dignity yesterday for begging him for sex yesterday. Then he confessed to me saying that he had no interest to have sex with me anymore especially after staying together for so long like those old couple. He knew it is a problem but decided to keep quiet all along. I was yet painfully heartbroken again. Then I told him that we have just been staying together for two years and he already had this feeling. We are still young adult and is normal for me to have such need. He just brush it off and told me if I was willing to wait for him after he finish this working holiday and come back by July and see whether he has improve on his part. I agreed. He even suggested that I could go on an open relationship and find other for sex since he couldn't satisfy me. I told him I couldn't do so as I find that as cheating and not loyal to my partner if I engage in sexual relationship with others.

He then left for working holiday. It was our first time experiencing long distance relationship. I have very few friends here. I have been too used of living together with him, having him by my side everyday. Hence, going back to living alone was quite a big challenge to me. Hence, I do constantly text him and get emotional easily. I propose we had a video call on every Sunday and he agreed (do you notice I initiate all these all the time and not a single time from his side?). During video call, I would want to stay as long as possible, share as many little things from my side as possible to him. I just wanted to see him longer. On his other end, he felt tired and sleepy all the time, showing all the signs that he is not interested on listening, he had no topics to share and then want to end the call every time. It's always until midnight only he had time to had this video call with me and he appear very sleepy every time. I tried to understand that and I did highlight to him that I'm hoping he would be more proactive on next call. But he just never did. On everyday, he will only text me 'good night' right at the moment before he sleep, not giving me some time for us to at least have a bit of live chat before the end of day (I even didn't request for this to be daily but just for some time only). He told me he was tired. Sometime I would just want to chat with him 'live' but he said just text him and he will reply next day. Well, ok. I understand he was really busy with his work, his friends, his all sort of gatherings over there that would made me jealous sometime while I was all alone here. I just couldn't avoid feeling it.

There was a time when I get emotionally unstable (perhaps is depression) and I told him I needed his attention and care a bit more that couple of days. I just wanted to have a chat with him or hear his voice that will motivate me to stay on. He doesn't have the time for me. He joined his housemates for party and got drunk. I needed to call him (I seriously need him that moment) but he just ignore my message. He then reply me after few hours that he was tired and drunk and how about a call tomorrow. I told him I just needed a quick one. He agree. But we then quarrel again due to my poor state of mind and mood that time. I was really unwell those few days. He never text and ask me how I feel. I express my thought to him on why he wouldn't text. He said I need to tell him frankly and directly and only then he will ask. To be honest, I did try that approach last time but he still be as he is (will still never ask me how I feel back). Then he told me again the same things (he prioritizes time with friends, he is still sticking with his personality, blah blah blah). I told him I never actually wanted him to change (since I already knew him for so long and love him the way he is). I just wanted him to improve, to sacrifice a little, to sometime give way and to put a little effort to make a relationship works. I always believe a one-sided relationship is unhealthy. Then he defended himself by saying he did put effort and just that I can't see it. These problems will not be solved forever and we are just running in circles. I agree to this but I do sincerely promise that I will do more to make this work. I ask him to promise and he say he can't. He told me he don't simply promise. Does that mean I simply made promise? I don't know.

I texted him that I missed him and asked him whether he missed me after few days. He didn't reply me back. My mood that day turned bad again. Imagine your partner not even reply ur text but still had time to do his stuff, play his phone, etc. I ask him why he didn't reply me after more than half day. He should have had all the time to finish busy with his stuff and come back to me. He then told me and he said those question gave him stress and I should know by now that he is not that kind of sweet person. He told me that he is now afraid every single time I ask him things, I texted him or I call him. In conclusion, he told me I gave him a lot of stress and that he also know he affected my mood a lot. Yup...I couldn't disagree to that. He then propose we go on a break three days ago. We promise to give us space in this time (but didn't specify any timeframe) to evaluate.

I couldn't hold it and I texted him again yesterday telling him that I seriously miss him and wanted to just have a chat with him as I couldn't find anyone else to chat. He was online but only texted me back three hours later. I'm glad he did agree for the voice call. He listen to what I wanted to say but he was very cold to me from his voice. He told me to move on and share my stuff with my close friend or family. I was really afraid of losing him especially after listening to him being so cold to me yesterday. I was just calm. I told him I admit that I made mistakes. I admit that I was wrong and childish especially the last few weeks of this long distance relationship and that I think I do really over dependent on him too much. I told him I am willing to improve and I still love him no matter what. I did emphasize to him that I'm not trying to give him stress and i will give him time during this so-called 'break'. I also told him I do realize after the two days of silence that he did put in effort on our relationship in the past and I'm sorry that I only saw it this late after thinking heavily. I also told him not to blame himself for what he had done to me as he informed me that he did blamed himself for hurting me. This is all part of learning process for us to grow better. I really wanted to maintain this relationship. I guess now I just need to give him space and time and while I quietly missing him from my side here. Sorry for such a lengthy post. What's your take on this? Would appreciate if you have some feedback on my situation. Sincere thanks.

Frankly, I didn’t finish reading the entire account. But every paragraph I read, two things were very clear to me:

1. you are too emotionally needy while

2. he is too distant and detached

this could be because of your different personalities and over time, it becomes very stressful on both of you due to the disconnect between both of you. There may be no cheating or third party involved but you are as different as day and night i.e. you prefer time with him but he prefers to socialize.

in the long run, this relationship will not work because of compatibility issues. My advice is for both of you to end it amicably and for you to move on to find someone who suits you better.

it’s harsh but it’s for both your good. You can still remain friends.

best of luck to you.

April 10, 2023

4 hours ago, chiPJ said:

Guest TM, thanks for sharing your story and updates with us.

For me it seems like he is trailing off and isn't invested in you any further. Everything is one sided. You initiate, you plan and think through. He is passive.

If he wants to make it work, he would have done something. Rather than 'going away' and enjoying his space. Also, the fact that he asked you to meet new friends is also a sign that he wants you to move on and build a life without him. He wishes you can find a new guy too, I feel.

It's painful to acknowledge this but I think he's been stringing you on too long.

These two weeks you can try to disengage totally to see if he will 'miss you'. After this timeline that you've set, you can maybe see if he would reach out again, but if he doesn't... his absence could be a very solid answer d... for you to move on, grieve and start anew.. you're still young anyway.

I am going through a similar thing now. It's really tough. I'm also much older than you yet these emotions are valid and hurtful. It's not easy. I hope you can gather strength to move on, to survive.

In TS’s case, it’s no one’s fault. It’s just that they are both incompatible. You can’t blame the other party and expect the other to change for you if it makes him miserable and lose himself in the process.

but yes, the emotions are real and painful for the person who’s hurting. And I have come to the conclusion that the one who loves more will always be the losing party.

my advice to you is also to let go if it’s not going in the right direction. Set both of you free and you may one day find happiness than to hang on to a relationship that’s doomed to fail.

sg89ailikesi · April 11, 2023

13 hours ago, Guest tm_ said:

Hi all,

Thanks for the feedback so far. Just to update everyone, I did had a long chat with my partner. He decided that official break-up is the best for both of us. I agreed. He shared out his thoughts from his heart. At first he told me he was still undecided but eventually he told me he still love me but that feeling slowly erodes due to all the constant arguments/conflicts we had that build up a lot of pressure on him. It has become a really toxic relationship. He also suspect that the 'love' may have just become commitment only. There is a firewall in him. He felt he had to be very careful on whatever things he said or do even if we reconcile today and that is not healthy for any relationship. He still couldn't be free and be himself. He still couldn't let go of that weight during this short period of break. It is my fault too of needing him to set a timeframe for the break as I do not know how long should I wait further. He also feel bad for me if I keep on waiting for him. Hence, we came to a conclusion at least. I understand all that with a calm attitude now.

He said we are still close friend and I can find him for chat just not anything intimate anymore. That's all. Now I really have to prioritize my time for healing (it will be really tough but I have to). I sincerely wish him all the best in everything.

No worries time heals and u will find a better next.

April 11, 2023

Whatever la.

The fact that you can type such a long story means you have been reliving your own narrative over and over and over again.

We just, simply, don't care.

Move on. Thanks. Next. Bye.

Being in a gay relationship has no real meaning in Singapore. You can't get married. Buy house. Be legal guardian or anything.

All gay relationship in Singapore will end up with either break up. Remains as friends. Or worst enemy. Just embrace it.

Gahmen wanted us to perish like this. Gahmen want us to have no real menaingul relationship.

So just go fuck around. Get fucked. Fuck others. Cheat. Seduce other married man etc.

Unleash. Let loose.

Fuck care

chiPJ · April 11, 2023

14 hours ago, Guest Stranger said:

Frankly, I didn’t finish reading the entire account. But every paragraph I read, two things were very clear to me:

1. you are too emotionally needy while

2. he is too distant and detached

this could be because of your different personalities and over time, it becomes very stressful on both of you due to the disconnect between both of you. There may be no cheating or third party involved but you are as different as day and night i.e. you prefer time with him but he prefers to socialize.

in the long run, this relationship will not work because of compatibility issues. My advice is for both of you to end it amicably and for you to move on to find someone who suits you better.

it’s harsh but it’s for both your good. You can still remain friends.

best of luck to you.

so hard hor gay relationships, or any relationships... feelings change, people change, different directions, evolution, growth. then dreams or fantasies get shattered.

chiPJ · April 11, 2023

16 hours ago, Guest tm_ said:

Hi all,

Thanks for the feedback so far. Just to update everyone, I did had a long chat with my partner. He decided that official break-up is the best for both of us. I agreed. He shared out his thoughts from his heart. At first he told me he was still undecided but eventually he told me he still love me but that feeling slowly erodes due to all the constant arguments/conflicts we had that build up a lot of pressure on him. It has become a really toxic relationship. He also suspect that the 'love' may have just become commitment only. There is a firewall in him. He felt he had to be very careful on whatever things he said or do even if we reconcile today and that is not healthy for any relationship. He still couldn't be free and be himself. He still couldn't let go of that weight during this short period of break. It is my fault too of needing him to set a timeframe for the break as I do not know how long should I wait further. He also feel bad for me if I keep on waiting for him. Hence, we came to a conclusion at least. I understand all that with a calm attitude now.

He said we are still close friend and I can find him for chat just not anything intimate anymore. That's all. Now I really have to prioritize my time for healing (it will be really tough but I have to). I sincerely wish him all the best in everything.

glad you can move on amicably, and remain as friends. at least it's not a total loss... and you can still be there to support each other, still chat and be friends. one day you will look back at the relationship and not feel so heartbroken but relive moments with nostalgia and joy. good luck...

MDZY · April 11, 2023

Good to see that u have decide to move on. In my own opinion, he have move on while u are still stuck in the relationship. He is just in the relationship just for the sake of being in it or perhaps he is just waiting for you to initiate the break up so that he will feel less guilty.

yhtang · April 11, 2023

21 hours ago, Guest tm_ said:

Hi all,

Thanks for the feedback so far. Just to update everyone, I did had a long chat with my partner. He decided that official break-up is the best for both of us. I agreed. He shared out his thoughts from his heart. At first he told me he was still undecided but eventually he told me he still love me but that feeling slowly erodes due to all the constant arguments/conflicts we had that build up a lot of pressure on him. It has become a really toxic relationship. He also suspect that the 'love' may have just become commitment only. There is a firewall in him. He felt he had to be very careful on whatever things he said or do even if we reconcile today and that is not healthy for any relationship. He still couldn't be free and be himself. He still couldn't let go of that weight during this short period of break. It is my fault too of needing him to set a timeframe for the break as I do not know how long should I wait further. He also feel bad for me if I keep on waiting for him. Hence, we came to a conclusion at least. I understand all that with a calm attitude now.

He said we are still close friend and I can find him for chat just not anything intimate anymore. That's all. Now I really have to prioritize my time for healing (it will be really tough but I have to). I sincerely wish him all the best in everything.

"Now I really have to prioritize my time for healing (it will be really tough but I have to). "

I am happy for you that you have come to this conclusion. Yes, healing takes time and is not easy, but not being able to heal is worse.

I hope that you will find someone of your own in the future.

zcheng · April 13, 2023

hi Guest tm_,

I had a similar experience as u... still trying hard to forget abt him and the healing process took longer than I expected, it had been 6 months since after we broke off. 😭

Feel free to contact me, maybe we can support each other during this difficult period. 😊

April 13, 2023

6 hours ago, zcheng said:

hi Guest tm_,

I had a similar experience as u... still trying hard to forget abt him and the healing process took longer than I expected, it had been 6 months since after we broke off. 😭

Feel free to contact me, maybe we can support each other during this difficult period. 😊

Hi, sorry to hear about that too. we both just keep going. it's okay not to be okay during this healing process/time. i do allow myself to cry but after that will at least can sleep slightly better and face the next day with positive attitude.

cutejack · April 18, 2023

On 4/11/2023 at 9:45 AM, Guest Lol said:

Whatever la.

The fact that you can type such a long story means you have been reliving your own narrative over and over and over again.

We just, simply, don't care.

Move on. Thanks. Next. Bye.

Being in a gay relationship has no real meaning in Singapore. You can't get married. Buy house. Be legal guardian or anything.

All gay relationship in Singapore will end up with either break up. Remains as friends. Or worst enemy. Just embrace it.

Gahmen wanted us to perish like this. Gahmen want us to have no real menaingul relationship.

So just go fuck around. Get fucked. Fuck others. Cheat. Seduce other married man etc.

Unleash. Let loose.

Fuck care

Luckily gahmen never legalize. With high separations n break ups, hdb and lawyer will become fucking busy handling many cases.

Now itself I'm hearing those who bought private apmt together having issues settling loans and all after one father fucker met 3rd party n have to go apart.

Anyway , gahmen still kind enough to allow having saunas. Go there n fuck around lor. Once the notti water is out from the body, problem settle. No need bf n all the rubbish.🤣🤣

May 5, 2023

On 4/10/2023 at 7:55 PM, Guest tm_ said:

Hi all,

Thanks for the feedback so far. Just to update everyone, I did had a long chat with my partner. He decided that official break-up is the best for both of us. I agreed. He shared out his thoughts from his heart. At first he told me he was still undecided but eventually he told me he still love me but that feeling slowly erodes due to all the constant arguments/conflicts we had that build up a lot of pressure on him. It has become a really toxic relationship. He also suspect that the 'love' may have just become commitment only. There is a firewall in him. He felt he had to be very careful on whatever things he said or do even if we reconcile today and that is not healthy for any relationship. He still couldn't be free and be himself. He still couldn't let go of that weight during this short period of break. It is my fault too of needing him to set a timeframe for the break as I do not know how long should I wait further. He also feel bad for me if I keep on waiting for him. Hence, we came to a conclusion at least. I understand all that with a calm attitude now.

He said we are still close friend and I can find him for chat just not anything intimate anymore. That's all. Now I really have to prioritize my time for healing (it will be really tough but I have to). I sincerely wish him all the best in everything.

I remember when i was born, that is the day of my birthday. I was birn at a very young age. You just need to accept the acceptance. There are things that I can't understand hence i believe on the saying that if it is not for then it is not for you. That it will never be enough. Sometimes, those who feels the pain, they are the one who hurts the most. Maybe it is too late but everything happens for a reason. Sometimes i want to be alone but i don't have any companion. Anyway, there are unexpected things that is happening that we don't expect to happen. Just always remember that wherever you are, you are there and at the end of the day, it is already night. Keep holding on and you'll be alright.

robin · May 7, 2023

Dear TS,

When I started my first relationship, I also had my perception of what is true love: a monogamous relationship, live together where possible, communicate the language of love on a daily basis (in whatever form) and literally share everything as partners in life.

Unfortunately, I went into a similar situation as you (or like many others); I was shocked and disappointed to know that my partner (then) had a different belief as mine. In fact, through his unspoken language, he has a totally opposite definition: a relationship does not need to be monogamous, a couple does not need to live together and it is too much to expect the other party to communicate the language of love on a daily basis. It does not help when my surrounding friends (then) also felt my perception of love is too idealistic.

After 3.5 years of living together and sharing everything with him (virginity, bottoming and finances), when the relationship also came to a breakdown (same as yours, he first asked for a cool-down period), the same thoughts came to my mind; I am being too needy and idealistic. I am not giving him enough space and I am the cause of the whole situation. But I still love him, will continue to wait for him and I truly believe he still loves me and our relationship is not totally gone yet!

Unfortunately, after the cooldown period, he asked for a complete break in the relationship. I was devasted and continued to wait for him for another year. After that one-year, I felt that I should just move on and live my life just like most gays do, don't be too serious about relationships and enjoy sex while we can.

TS, you got to understand something: 99% of us don't (or no longer ) believe in the shit that you believe in and you will be deemed as someone who has too much emotional baggage in a relationship (drama, needy, expectations).

As for myself, subsequently, I met a guy whom we dated and I realized he is even more idealistic and 'needy than me'! He was not financially independent but hope we can live together. He will text me everyday and night and if I did not reply to his messages, he will ask me about it the next day. Through him, I learnt that being needy is a subjective term and the language of love has to literally be communicated on a daily basis. And if you love someone, there is nothing wrong in wanting to live together. After all, life partnership is about walking through the journey of life together! Of course, there are minor adjustments to our individual perceptions of relationship but over time, I grew to respect and love this person. For the past 20 years, though we have been living together and in a loving relationship, when comes to sleeping time and if I am not yet home, he will 100% guarantee to text me with a 'good night my ....' and if I ever did not reply before I got home, I will need to answer to him the next day.. LOL. But this is my love life and I am thankful we both stick to our beliefs and found each other.

I do wish you well in your search for love but do know that during your journey, many people are going to tell or make you feel that you are believing in the wrong thing. Good luck!

Edited May 8, 2023 by robin

IkuTube · May 8, 2023

8 hours ago, robin said:

Dear TS,

When I started my first relationship, I also had my perception of what is true love: a monogamous relationship, live together where possible, communicate the language of love on a daily basis (in whatever form) and literally share everything as partners in life.

Unfortunately, I went into a similar situation as you (or like many others); I was shocked and disappointed to know that my partner (then) had a different belief as mine. In fact, through his unspoken language, he has a totally opposite definition: a relationship does not need to be monogamous, a couple does not need to live together and it is too much to expect the other party to communicate the language of love on a daily basis. It does not help when my surrounding friends (then) also felt my perception of love is too idealistic.

After 3.5 years of living together and sharing everything with him (virginity, bottoming and finances), when the relationship also came to a breakdown (same as yours, he first asked for a cool-down period), the same thoughts came to my mind; I am being too needy and idealistic. I am not giving him enough space and I am the cause of the whole situation. But I still love him, will continue to wait for him and I truly believe he still loves me and our relationship is not totally gone yet!

Unfortunately, after the cooldown period, he asked for a complete break in the relationship. I was devasted and continued to wait for him for another year. After that one-year, I felt that I should just move on and live my life just like most gays do, don't be too serious about relationships and enjoy sex while we can.

TS, you got to understand something: 99% of us don't (or no longer ) believe in the shit that you believe in and you will be deemed as someone who has too much emotional baggage in a relationship (drama, needy, expectations).

As for myself, subsequently, I met a guy whom we dated and I realized he is even more idealistic and 'needy than me'! He was not financially independent but hope we can live together. He will text me everyday and night and if I did not reply to his messages, he will ask me about it the next day. Through him, I learnt that being needy is a subjective term and the language of love has to literally be communicated on a daily basis. And if you love someone, there is nothing wrong in wanting to live together. After all, life partnership is about walking through the journey of life together! Of course, there are minor adjustments to our individual perceptions of relationship but over time, I grew to respect and love this person. For the past 20 years, though we have been living together and in a loving relationship, when comes to sleeping time and if I am not yet home, he will 100% guarantee to text me with a 'good night my ....' and if I ever did not reply before I got home, I will need to answer to him the next day.. LOL. But this is my love life and I am thankful we both stick to our beliefs and found each other.

I do wish you well in your search for love but do know that during your journey, many people are going to tell or make you feel that you are believing in the wrong thing. Good luck!

I like your sharing and its connectedness to TS' sharing. What stands out is your take about life. I like when you said 'But this is my love life and I am thankful we both stick to our beliefs and found each other'.

I am a believer that when we know what we truly want in life, life provides the avenues. It is akin to the Law of Attractions and Vibrations. All that we need to do is to watch our thoughts - when we think positive, all the positives will come to greet upon us. And so are the negatives. There is a saying 'life is not an accident, it's only setting us up for the real lessons we need to learn and the person we need to become'. Life is simple; it is us who make it complicated.

Love, in any relationship, needs some forms of work. It is not only a noun but a verb. I concur that 'many people are going to tell or make you feel that you are believing in the wrong thing' BUT do not let the opinions of others deter with one's beliefs. Our opinions should not impose on others - they are just our personal experiences. When we strive to make things right for what we believe (for what we want) and we take full responsibility on our thoughts and actions, everything will fall into places.

@robin .. "Thank You" for sharing. Wishing your 20 years will be forever with better and greater understanding on the 'language of love' with your partner.

robin · May 8, 2023

5 hours ago, IkuTube said:

@robin .. "Thank You" for sharing. Wishing your 20 years will be forever with better and greater understanding on the 'language of love' with your partner.

Thank you for your well wishes ☺️ @IkuTube

June 4, 2023

Hi, it's me, the original author of this post. Just to update you guys if you guys are still interested on this topic of mine.

It has already been almost two months since the official break-up with my ex. I did told myself to move on after seeing most of the advice I received from this forum. I appreciate all the feedbacks I received previously. However, I find myself couldn't completely move on. It's really tough to let go since it's my first love where I put 100% into the relationship and my feeling to him never left. I even list down all the red flags of him during our relationship that clearly show he has lost interest in me and slowly backing out to make myself clearer to let this guy go. However, after a while, the memories between us come kicking in again. Love is really illogical, unexplainable and unfair.

I still have hope deep in my heart that my ex will come back to me after he got all the time and space he needed. After all, I did told him after the break-up that I would give him the time and space to fully enjoy his single life and current working holiday he is in. And that I decided to wait for him. He did suggested to me when we decided to break up that I remain in a special place in his heart and who knows we may fall in love again in the future. However, he did told me not to put too much hope of waiting and I said that I know clearly what I want and I don't want to have regret later on. He said ok.

And time passes...I did constantly stalk his IG bcoz I'm really curious on how is he doing and still has deep feeling of care and concern for him although he is already far away physically and emotionally from me. I noticed that he frequently went out with only one friend nowadays (tagged him only in his IG stories) while the rest of the gang in the working holiday isn't much in his radar anymore. I started to feel suspicious. Then about 10 days ago, I messaged him asking about how is he doing, asked him what's his plan for the remaining working holiday and slowly asking about that other person that is always in his IG stories. He met that person in the working holiday about 3 months ago. That time, me and my ex were still together and we did made little joke of him meeting some new guys over there after seeing his story showing him with two new guys. I praised one of the guys for being good looking and look manly. But my ex told me he prefer the look of the other one and that the person always coming over to him to talk to him. I then made joke to my ex to pursue him then. And that literally became true....shit!!! (more to that later) And....fast forward to now, that's the person that is always appearing in his IG stories. And my ex confessed to me that he has feeling for that person.

My heart was already broken from the break up and now with this news, I felt like my heart was being stabbed once again, this time shattering to pieces. That hope of waiting for him is actually my motivation to go through the days without him being by my side as I slowly await his return to Singapore from this working holiday. And now the hope is gone down the drain. My ex is well aware that I have been waiting for him and I was even willing to keep silent, give him time and space he needed and now he told me he has feeling for this person he has just met three months ago. I couldn't believe how someone who love you for the past 3 years and a half, give up on you and then have feeling for someone else just about only one month after breaking up with you. It just shocked me. Perhaps them seeing each other every day during the working holiday (and even sleeping in the same room likely) and perhaps my ex find him very compatible and has similar interests or some sort immediately ignite my ex's romantic feeling for that person. But I still couldn't believe these happened so soon? I guess that what many others have responded previously is true after all; my ex really has lost feeling to me way long before the break-up and hence he can fall in love with someone else this soon. It's a harsh reality that I have to accept.

I still have not unblock my ex' social media accounts. During our break-up, we did agree to be friends and I would like to stick to that promise although he doesn't care anymore especially knowing that I have been waiting for him and yet he still do such thing. It's very clear he has fully moved on. I also knew his personality (he is the kind of guy that can let go things very quickly). However, I felt my heart really couldn't take this kind of pain anymore. Just yesterday, he shared another IG story showing him going camping with his new partner, sharing food and sleeping in one tight tent. I really couldn't take it. Hence, I messaged him telling him that I have no choice but to at least mute or restrict his account so I won't be seeing his posts or stories bcoz my heart couldn't take it no matter how hard I try. He just say ok. It really seems no matter what I did, how much I said, and how much I cared for his feeling even more than mine, he just could no longer bother. My feeling means nothing to him anymore. He avoided from talking to me everytime when I would like to initiate a call/message with him after the break up bcoz I'm still searching for a closure. I really couldn't understand how can someone treat a person he has been in a relationship for so long to be this heartless. Me crying on many sleepless nights alone in my bedroom while he is probably having fun and feeling very comfortable with his new love on the other side of the world. I guess all his actions are already a clear closure for me.

You may ask me some time later do I still love him? I would say….my feeling towards him never really left. I don't know why too. No matter how mean or harsh he is treating me, I still love him unconditionally. Even to the point I would think of his family issues too. It's like his everything is part of my life already. I couldn't explain why. I'm not here to brag on my love for him, but this is truly from the bottom of my heart.

It is just that now I will constantly tell and remind myself clearly that I would not want to start a relationship with him again anymore in the future if he comes back. I still love him but I told myself I would not want him back in my life. He would have never understand the severity of the pain/heartbreak that I have gone through and I really do not want to experience it again. Once is really enough. I'm tired...I'm really tired. With this in mind, I believe I would have now really set a quite a decisive path to clearly move on this time.

June 4, 2023

放过你自己

robin · June 4, 2023

After I broke up with my first ex of 3.5 years, for the subsequent 1 years plus, as much as I tried my best to move on, I couldn’t. I still had such a soft spot for him that I continued to lent him money, even though I knew I will probably won’t be able to get it back.

I only manage to move on when I met my current partner.

TS, a heart can never be emptied. The thing which you want to get rid of can only be replaced by something or someone else.

June 4, 2023

2 hours ago, Guest tm_ said:

It is just that now I will constantly tell and remind myself clearly that I would not want to start a relationship with him again anymore in the future if he comes back. I still love him but I told myself I would not want him back in my life. He would have never understand the severity of the pain/heartbreak that I have gone through and I really do not want to experience it again. Once is really enough. I'm tired...I'm really tired. With this in mind, I believe I would have now really set a quite a decisive path to clearly move on this time.

I am not trying to be rude, but he is never coming back or nor does he care about your pain or heartbreak.

You reminisce too much about the past, but the past is all lies. The only truth that matters is the present moment, here and now.

It is difficult but start by putting yourself out there. Get a new hobby, make new friends, meet new guys. The lesser time you have to think about him, the easier it will be for you to move on.

June 4, 2023

It is never easy to let go of a rs easily. What you need is time. Slowly but surely, u will get over him. Unfollow his ig might be the first step if I were u. Meeting n knowing new friends can b another option though u might not b ready. U never know u might find someone better.

GachiMuchi · June 4, 2023

Here is what Chat GPT has to say about moving on after breaking up.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time moving on after your break-up. It’s completely normal to feel this way, especially if it was your first love. According to the current web page context 1, here are some tips that might help you move on:

1. Accept how you feel: After a break-up, it’s normal to feel a mixture of emotions. Accepting how you feel is the first step towards healing.

2. Slowly let them go: It’s important to let go of your ex gradually. You can start by removing their photos from your phone or social media.

3. Learn from the broken relationship: Take some time to reflect on what went wrong in the relationship and what you can learn from it.

4. Think that he/she is not the one for you: Try to change your perspective and think that your ex is not the right person for you.

5. Share with your close friends: Talking about your feelings with someone you trust can help you feel better.

6. Reduce contact with him/her: It’s important to reduce contact with your ex so that you can focus on yourself and move on.

7. Seek closure with him/her: If you feel like you need closure, try talking to your ex about how you feel.

8. Instead of letting go, get them back: If you still have feelings for your ex and want to get back together, try reaching out to them and see if they feel the same way.

Remember that moving on takes time and it’s okay to take things slow. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself during this difficult time.

I hope these tips help! 😊

Startup · June 5, 2023

11 hours ago, Guest tm_ said:

Hi, it's me, the original author of this post. Just to update you guys if you guys are still interested on this topic of mine.

Congrats on making the decision to move on! That's the first right step.

Many people have since time immemorial experienced broken relationships but not many die from broken hearts. It means that there are effective cures to piece your million pieces of broken heart back to a wholeome piece again.

You have made your life revolve around him for so many years. You can't imagine a life without him. It would be incomplete without him being part of your life journey. But in that process you have lost yourself.

The best way to move on is to craft out a new life for yourself minus him. Bring the focus and attention back to yourself. Learn to love yourself. Set out to live a life you are worthy of.

You are likely to meet again. You may wonder to yourself, what did I see in him then? When you see the big stamp falling off your eyes, that's when you have truly moved on.

June 5, 2023

I know it is easier said than done; but you must try.

放下他，就是放过你自己

First relationship is always the most memorable. And first relationship usually won’t be the last. Take it as gaining life experience, it is never is a waste of time.

sg89ailikesi · June 5, 2023

18 hours ago, Guest tm_ said:

Hi, it's me, the original author of this post. Just to update you guys if you guys are still interested on this topic of mine.

It has already been almost two months since the official break-up with my ex. I did told myself to move on after seeing most of the advice I received from this forum. I appreciate all the feedbacks I received previously. However, I find myself couldn't completely move on. It's really tough to let go since it's my first love where I put 100% into the relationship and my feeling to him never left. I even list down all the red flags of him during our relationship that clearly show he has lost interest in me and slowly backing out to make myself clearer to let this guy go. However, after a while, the memories between us come kicking in again. Love is really illogical, unexplainable and unfair.

I still have hope deep in my heart that my ex will come back to me after he got all the time and space he needed. After all, I did told him after the break-up that I would give him the time and space to fully enjoy his single life and current working holiday he is in. And that I decided to wait for him. He did suggested to me when we decided to break up that I remain in a special place in his heart and who knows we may fall in love again in the future. However, he did told me not to put too much hope of waiting and I said that I know clearly what I want and I don't want to have regret later on. He said ok.

And time passes...I did constantly stalk his IG bcoz I'm really curious on how is he doing and still has deep feeling of care and concern for him although he is already far away physically and emotionally from me. I noticed that he frequently went out with only one friend nowadays (tagged him only in his IG stories) while the rest of the gang in the working holiday isn't much in his radar anymore. I started to feel suspicious. Then about 10 days ago, I messaged him asking about how is he doing, asked him what's his plan for the remaining working holiday and slowly asking about that other person that is always in his IG stories. He met that person in the working holiday about 3 months ago. That time, me and my ex were still together and we did made little joke of him meeting some new guys over there after seeing his story showing him with two new guys. I praised one of the guys for being good looking and look manly. But my ex told me he prefer the look of the other one and that the person always coming over to him to talk to him. I then made joke to my ex to pursue him then. And that literally became true....shit!!! (more to that later) And....fast forward to now, that's the person that is always appearing in his IG stories. And my ex confessed to me that he has feeling for that person.

My heart was already broken from the break up and now with this news, I felt like my heart was being stabbed once again, this time shattering to pieces. That hope of waiting for him is actually my motivation to go through the days without him being by my side as I slowly await his return to Singapore from this working holiday. And now the hope is gone down the drain. My ex is well aware that I have been waiting for him and I was even willing to keep silent, give him time and space he needed and now he told me he has feeling for this person he has just met three months ago. I couldn't believe how someone who love you for the past 3 years and a half, give up on you and then have feeling for someone else just about only one month after breaking up with you. It just shocked me. Perhaps them seeing each other every day during the working holiday (and even sleeping in the same room likely) and perhaps my ex find him very compatible and has similar interests or some sort immediately ignite my ex's romantic feeling for that person. But I still couldn't believe these happened so soon? I guess that what many others have responded previously is true after all; my ex really has lost feeling to me way long before the break-up and hence he can fall in love with someone else this soon. It's a harsh reality that I have to accept.

I still have not unblock my ex' social media accounts. During our break-up, we did agree to be friends and I would like to stick to that promise although he doesn't care anymore especially knowing that I have been waiting for him and yet he still do such thing. It's very clear he has fully moved on. I also knew his personality (he is the kind of guy that can let go things very quickly). However, I felt my heart really couldn't take this kind of pain anymore. Just yesterday, he shared another IG story showing him going camping with his new partner, sharing food and sleeping in one tight tent. I really couldn't take it. Hence, I messaged him telling him that I have no choice but to at least mute or restrict his account so I won't be seeing his posts or stories bcoz my heart couldn't take it no matter how hard I try. He just say ok. It really seems no matter what I did, how much I said, and how much I cared for his feeling even more than mine, he just could no longer bother. My feeling means nothing to him anymore. He avoided from talking to me everytime when I would like to initiate a call/message with him after the break up bcoz I'm still searching for a closure. I really couldn't understand how can someone treat a person he has been in a relationship for so long to be this heartless. Me crying on many sleepless nights alone in my bedroom while he is probably having fun and feeling very comfortable with his new love on the other side of the world. I guess all his actions are already a clear closure for me.

You may ask me some time later do I still love him? I would say….my feeling towards him never really left. I don't know why too. No matter how mean or harsh he is treating me, I still love him unconditionally. Even to the point I would think of his family issues too. It's like his everything is part of my life already. I couldn't explain why. I'm not here to brag on my love for him, but this is truly from the bottom of my heart.

It is just that now I will constantly tell and remind myself clearly that I would not want to start a relationship with him again anymore in the future if he comes back. I still love him but I told myself I would not want him back in my life. He would have never understand the severity of the pain/heartbreak that I have gone through and I really do not want to experience it again. Once is really enough. I'm tired...I'm really tired. With this in mind, I believe I would have now really set a quite a decisive path to clearly move on this time.

Omg, I feel u reading this. Time will heal. Never give up the forest just for the tree that don’t response to u. Of cos it is easier to say than doing, let the time heals u. Jia you.

chiPJ · June 5, 2023

It's not easy. I am 2-3 months in from a situationship and I am finally feeling like I can move on a bit... it will take time for you, maybe months, maybe years.

best thing to do is to stop following him on all social media accounts. delete from whatsapp or unfollow/mute all accounts. practice the "no contact rule" and soon you mayyyy just go through your day without thinking about him....

at first it would be hard. like withdrawing from drugs. but it's the only way to move on.

it doesn't seem like he will come back at all. he's moved on from you. he's living his life. you should try to live yours too.

don't forget to take care of yourself, sleep and eat and work, have some fun doing things you like. you just have to persevere. you can build a new life around your grief and loss... you need to.

singalion · June 5, 2023

17 hours ago, Guest XXX said:

It is difficult but start by putting yourself out there. Get a new hobby, make new friends, meet new guys. The lesser time you have to think about him, the easier it will be for you to move on.

I second this.

In my view you should also keep yourself busy to distract your loneliness in then starting to remember or think about your past "relationship" with the one guy.

Get active to have other thoughts instead of always looking back.

Edited June 5, 2023 by singalion

IkuTube · June 6, 2023

On 6/4/2023 at 9:09 PM, Guest tm_ said:

You may ask me some time later do I still love him? I would say….my feeling towards him never really left. I don't know why too. No matter how mean or harsh he is treating me, I still love him unconditionally. Even to the point I would think of his family issues too. It's like his everything is part of my life already. I couldn't explain why. I'm not here to brag on my love for him, but this is truly from the bottom of my heart.

It is just that now I will constantly tell and remind myself clearly that I would not want to start a relationship with him again anymore in the future if he comes back. I still love him but I told myself I would not want him back in my life. He would have never understand the severity of the pain/heartbreak that I have gone through and I really do not want to experience it again. Once is really enough. I'm tired...I'm really tired. With this in mind, I believe I would have now really set a quite a decisive path to clearly move on this time.

Dear Guest tm_,

To love someone, even after knowing his character flaws, and to continue to love him with a painful heart shows muchly that you have a good heart. Very likely, you have a good upbringing too. Continue to live to be who you are, despite the fact that the next few days/weeks/months are going to break and challenge your emotions.

It is ok to cry. It is ok to indulge with self pity. It is alright, and very natural, to feel tired emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically in your situation. But do live with them with awareness and not to let these feelings breed into huge feeling of hate.

Every experience will land us, in life, with a lesson. Take it that you are going to learn something good from your current situation to make you a much better human in future. When there is less hate, there will be less toxic thoughts and there can only be light for you to create better goals moving forward. It will strengthen your soul and to get you out of any darkness. It makes you an empathetic human.

Let the future be for what it is supposed to be. It is good to live in the moment every day. It can be a reactive approach to preempt as it can be a barrier too. Thinking too much, from a broken heart that is already filled with much sorrows and disappointments, can be a heavy burden. It will not speed up the healing process.

Do live for what you want your life to be now. Avoid thinking about him. Think less of his well being. Live in your moment - Do it for yourself and for you only. It is good to start writing on what you want your life to be. Place it prominently somewhere and let it be a waking and constant reminder for you to get out of your web.

Wishing you a good life ahead. You deserve it.

June 7, 2023

On 6/6/2023 at 4:05 PM, IkuTube said:

Dear Guest tm_,

To love someone, even after knowing his character flaws, and to continue to love him with a painful heart shows muchly that you have a good heart. Very likely, you have a good upbringing too. Continue to live to be who you are, despite the fact that the next few days/weeks/months are going to break and challenge your emotions.

It is ok to cry. It is ok to indulge with self pity. It is alright, and very natural, to feel tired emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically in your situation. But do live with them with awareness and not to let these feelings breed into huge feeling of hate.

Every experience will land us, in life, with a lesson. Take it that you are going to learn something good from your current situation to make you a much better human in future. When there is less hate, there will be less toxic thoughts and there can only be light for you to create better goals moving forward. It will strengthen your soul and to get you out of any darkness. It makes you an empathetic human.

Let the future be for what it is supposed to be. It is good to live in the moment every day. It can be a reactive approach to preempt as it can be a barrier too. Thinking too much, from a broken heart that is already filled with much sorrows and disappointments, can be a heavy burden. It will not speed up the healing process.

Do live for what you want your life to be now. Avoid thinking about him. Think less of his well being. Live in your moment - Do it for yourself and for you only. It is good to start writing on what you want your life to be. Place it prominently somewhere and let it be a waking and constant reminder for you to get out of your web.

Wishing you a good life ahead. You deserve it.

Hi IkuTube and to the others as well,

Thanks for your kind words. I genuinely appreciate it. It at least makes my heart feel a little lighter for a moment. I may not be that good too; I have many flaws too which I felt that it's too late that I only realize it now. I also have to painfully admit that his love or interest on me dies down way back before we broke up. There were many signs already back then. It is just that I was feeling too comfortable back then (thought that our relationship is already being very stable and won't fall apart anymore that time), kept quiet, did nothing and take things for granted. And he on the other end just stay on out of commitment with fading feeling day by day and with every little burden slowly added into his heart till it exploded this year. Well, I have no choice but to only let this be my learning experience since he won't give us even a chance to try to reset our relationship and allow himself to see the improved me. Perhaps it is really the best decision to let him go and let him enjoy his life out there.

Once he broke up with me, he immediately changed his relationship status to single, update his profile status to something like 'living the life I want to be', shared note saying things like 'freedom, something that needed to let go then must let go,....', adding back his previous friend who has a past with him (whom I'm very against when we were still relationship bcoz that person kept messaging my bf that time) to all his social medias back...basically just doing all the things that are against my stand or something like that. Perhaps I do really suffocate him too much. I am actually aware that I have been holding on to him too much too when we were still in relationship and I actually do allow him to do his things, let him go on the working holiday on his own this time (which set course for the break up), didn't ask for a lot of time to video call or chat with him while he is away during the working holiday, etc. Perhaps these are still not enough and still makes him stressful. Little things ady made him pressured bcoz of lost feeling. As simple as that.

And yeah, I tend to be immature and emotional sometimes during our relationship. But I never once think our relationship is only filled with those stressful times. We had been through so many beautiful and memorable moments together too in the past but it seem he couldn't feel any of that anymore. I wonder if really the feeling of love can be rekindled inside of him for me. But since I knew his personality (someone who can let go things very easily and quickly) very well, then it's quite obvious that he has let go all his feelings of me including love. Hence, that explains why he can have feeling for a new guy so fast who he only met for like 2 months ago only. And now they are doing all the romantic stuff together. It's really hurting but what can I do.

It's ok. It's all past tense now. I am now trying slowly step by step, day by day to move on. I can just love him now in silence from far away...and yup, continue to love with painful heart (many would say that I'm stubborn or stupid). But is just impossible for me to unlove someone that I have truly care for in all these years. He can enjoy his time out there with his working holiday, with his new partner, and i just sincerely wish him the best.

earth_tone · June 7, 2023

You obviously love him much more than he loves you. Looks like you may as well be in love with your couch or your rice cooker. Sad.

SuckMaster · June 10, 2023

On 4/2/2023 at 10:53 AM, Guest tm_ said:

Sorry for the long post but would really appreciate it if you can read it all and share your thoughts. I desperately need it especially from people like us in this LGBT circle. Thanks.

Hi, I'm 32 this year and my partner is 30. We met through Grindr app and have since been in relationship for 3 years and a half now. This is my first ever relationship and so I admit that I am very inexperienced on this and is immature at times which led to a break that my partner decided a couple of days ago.

I am the kind of person who is a bit more emotional and romantic while my partner is the total opposite. During the early time of our dating (like first 6 months into our relationship), he had been very sweet and attentive to me. He would text me occasionally every day to say that he miss me or simply just to ask about my day. I love this constant attention that he gave me. He is a top and I am a top. As I do love him and in our first ever ex, I was willing to be bottom for the first time for him. Painful but I was willing to do it as I love him. Ever since, I have been bottom all the way for him. We never treat it as sex but as a true love-making session, a way for us to express love to each other and get intimate closely.

After a year into dating, I had an idea of us moving in together (rent a room and live together). He initially reluctant but agree to do so after few months of thought. We had been doing fine in the first few months after moving together. He had a serious snoring issue which affected my sleep almost every night but I do still wish to sleep by his side. He also sometime woke up from his sleep in the midnight and talk or did some minor actions deriving from his dreams that sometime frighten me out of my sleep. It's strange but I do like all these little gestures of him. I just enjoyed being with him.

However, after that few months, it felt like he is my roommate rather than my partner. He wanted to do his own thing more (go out for walk alone, etc) without asking me to join. I gave him some space and let him be. I myself also do my own thing too. I respected that. We only went out for a dinner outside once every weekend as a simple date. The following is more of a concern; he is not interesting on having sex with me anymore. Previously we did it like once in a month, then once in 2 months, then slowly turning to once in a year. More on this later. He never been sweet to me anymore. No more sweet gesture or text anymore. I accepted that since he told me before that's his personality (which is somehow so different to how he treat me in the beginning of our relationship).

Then on early last year, he decided to go on a working holiday abroad. I decided to drop everything and join him. I personally wanted to take a break too from my stressful career here in SG. We had a wonderful time during the 7 months long working holiday. However, there were always these little actions from him that felt like he was not caring or loving me anymore. We never had sex during these working holiday (I thought maybe he was tired and want to just focus on the working holiday). When I was sick and I told him, he would just ignore it and continue on doing his own stuff downstair in the living room while I rest in bedroom upstair alone. We occasionally argue too (well, this is sort of common for any relationship so I didn't think too much about this point).

We came back to SG on February this year. He decided to continue on the working holiday at the same place and this time with two of his friends. Well, he didn't ask me to join. I myself also personally bounded by the unpaid leave from my previous employer and I have to get back to work. Hence, I didn't come along. Before we start our long distance relationship, I tried to initiate more meet up with him before he leave by end of February so that I am able to spend more time with him before he goes. He told me he tried to agree to some of the meet up as he was busy meeting up with his friends in SG and had some work to do before he leave. I understand. I also knew him as I have been with him for this long. He is like this all the time. He is the kind of person who puts a balance to everything (he prioritizes me and also friendship-he has a lot of friends), he thinks very logically (which is good but sometimes I think love has to be illogical), and he consider convenience first before everything else (for example he won't purposely spend extra buck or travel the extra distance to seize the chance to see me two hours earlier after a month of not seeing each other...he just won't do it).

And we did argue on this topic several times in the past but never had a solution as he insisted he would never change his personality.

Then, I arrange for a quick staycation at JB one week before he leave to continue his working holiday. It's like our last two nights together and of course I would like to cherish the moment. Once we back to hotel in the evening, he wanted to do his own thing (research on his accommodation and stuff for his working holiday). I then tried to flirt him but he told me he doesn't have mood. I then insist and he was finally willing to engage sex with me. However, it was just a quick sex and he couldn't stay hard long and couldn't cum. He told me he jerk off that morning before we go to JB.

Then next day, he wanted to follow his one group of friends to play badminton. I agreed and followed him. I initially thought that we can go dating right after that. However, after the badminton, the group had more things planned and were all the way up to the end of the day. My partner happily agreed (well, I told u before he do enjoy being with friends and spending time with them). My mood turned not well as it was our last dating day before he goes. I did gave him hint but he ask me to go back hotel first while he want to continue to catch up with his friends. I'm more heartbroken at this point. He realized that but it's already too late as it's already almost end of the day (evening already) and went back to hotel together with me while his group of friends also ended the day. Once back in our room, he pretend nothing happen. However, I brought the issue up so that we can discuss together. I told him that the whole day gathering is perfectly fine if there are still many days ahead for us to date. But this is actually our last day to date before he goes. And he decided to spend it with his friends and not realizing how important it is to me. Then we quarrel. I cried and he never come to console or hug me or anything. This time it's a big quarrel. I also highlighted to him on our sex life. I told him that I even have to resort to losing my dignity yesterday for begging him for sex yesterday. Then he confessed to me saying that he had no interest to have sex with me anymore especially after staying together for so long like those old couple. He knew it is a problem but decided to keep quiet all along. I was yet painfully heartbroken again. Then I told him that we have just been staying together for two years and he already had this feeling. We are still young adult and is normal for me to have such need. He just brush it off and told me if I was willing to wait for him after he finish this working holiday and come back by July and see whether he has improve on his part. I agreed. He even suggested that I could go on an open relationship and find other for sex since he couldn't satisfy me. I told him I couldn't do so as I find that as cheating and not loyal to my partner if I engage in sexual relationship with others.

He then left for working holiday. It was our first time experiencing long distance relationship. I have very few friends here. I have been too used of living together with him, having him by my side everyday. Hence, going back to living alone was quite a big challenge to me. Hence, I do constantly text him and get emotional easily. I propose we had a video call on every Sunday and he agreed (do you notice I initiate all these all the time and not a single time from his side?). During video call, I would want to stay as long as possible, share as many little things from my side as possible to him. I just wanted to see him longer. On his other end, he felt tired and sleepy all the time, showing all the signs that he is not interested on listening, he had no topics to share and then want to end the call every time. It's always until midnight only he had time to had this video call with me and he appear very sleepy every time. I tried to understand that and I did highlight to him that I'm hoping he would be more proactive on next call. But he just never did. On everyday, he will only text me 'good night' right at the moment before he sleep, not giving me some time for us to at least have a bit of live chat before the end of day (I even didn't request for this to be daily but just for some time only). He told me he was tired. Sometime I would just want to chat with him 'live' but he said just text him and he will reply next day. Well, ok. I understand he was really busy with his work, his friends, his all sort of gatherings over there that would made me jealous sometime while I was all alone here. I just couldn't avoid feeling it.

There was a time when I get emotionally unstable (perhaps is depression) and I told him I needed his attention and care a bit more that couple of days. I just wanted to have a chat with him or hear his voice that will motivate me to stay on. He doesn't have the time for me. He joined his housemates for party and got drunk. I needed to call him (I seriously need him that moment) but he just ignore my message. He then reply me after few hours that he was tired and drunk and how about a call tomorrow. I told him I just needed a quick one. He agree. But we then quarrel again due to my poor state of mind and mood that time. I was really unwell those few days. He never text and ask me how I feel. I express my thought to him on why he wouldn't text. He said I need to tell him frankly and directly and only then he will ask. To be honest, I did try that approach last time but he still be as he is (will still never ask me how I feel back). Then he told me again the same things (he prioritizes time with friends, he is still sticking with his personality, blah blah blah). I told him I never actually wanted him to change (since I already knew him for so long and love him the way he is). I just wanted him to improve, to sacrifice a little, to sometime give way and to put a little effort to make a relationship works. I always believe a one-sided relationship is unhealthy. Then he defended himself by saying he did put effort and just that I can't see it. These problems will not be solved forever and we are just running in circles. I agree to this but I do sincerely promise that I will do more to make this work. I ask him to promise and he say he can't. He told me he don't simply promise. Does that mean I simply made promise? I don't know.

I texted him that I missed him and asked him whether he missed me after few days. He didn't reply me back. My mood that day turned bad again. Imagine your partner not even reply ur text but still had time to do his stuff, play his phone, etc. I ask him why he didn't reply me after more than half day. He should have had all the time to finish busy with his stuff and come back to me. He then told me and he said those question gave him stress and I should know by now that he is not that kind of sweet person. He told me that he is now afraid every single time I ask him things, I texted him or I call him. In conclusion, he told me I gave him a lot of stress and that he also know he affected my mood a lot. Yup...I couldn't disagree to that. He then propose we go on a break three days ago. We promise to give us space in this time (but didn't specify any timeframe) to evaluate.

I couldn't hold it and I texted him again yesterday telling him that I seriously miss him and wanted to just have a chat with him as I couldn't find anyone else to chat. He was online but only texted me back three hours later. I'm glad he did agree for the voice call. He listen to what I wanted to say but he was very cold to me from his voice. He told me to move on and share my stuff with my close friend or family. I was really afraid of losing him especially after listening to him being so cold to me yesterday. I was just calm. I told him I admit that I made mistakes. I admit that I was wrong and childish especially the last few weeks of this long distance relationship and that I think I do really over dependent on him too much. I told him I am willing to improve and I still love him no matter what. I did emphasize to him that I'm not trying to give him stress and i will give him time during this so-called 'break'. I also told him I do realize after the two days of silence that he did put in effort on our relationship in the past and I'm sorry that I only saw it this late after thinking heavily. I also told him not to blame himself for what he had done to me as he informed me that he did blamed himself for hurting me. This is all part of learning process for us to grow better. I really wanted to maintain this relationship. I guess now I just need to give him space and time and while I quietly missing him from my side here. Sorry for such a lengthy post. What's your take on this? Would appreciate if you have some feedback on my situation. Sincere thanks.

Sorry if this is not what you want to hear. Reading your story, this boyfriend clearly doesn't make you happy no matter what you try or how long you wait. And you deserve to be with someone who does.

So as hard as it is, say goodbye to this one and put yourself in first place. Find someone who worships you as much as you worship him, and who makes you happy every day. Live your life for you.

Xos · June 10, 2023

Hey guest_tm, for the betterment of your well-being I will try to be as blunt as possible;

After reading it seemed like he has mentally checked out of your RS after the 1st year. Moving in together is an excellent way to test a longevity of any RS and with that I'm seeing loads of red flags given the context. Most importantly, l do agree love is illogical at times and if he was -constantly- prioritising his friends over you, please be fair to yourself, move on and find someone better.

singalion · June 10, 2023

1 hour ago, SuckMaster said:

Sorry if this is not what you want to hear. Reading your story, this boyfriend clearly doesn't make you happy no matter what you try or how long you wait. And you deserve to be with someone who does.

So as hard as it is, say goodbye to this one and put yourself in first place. Find someone who worships you as much as you worship him, and who makes you happy every day. Live your life for you.

To add on, but I sincerely hope that TM also learns from the past.

If he goes on the same style in a different relationship, I don't think it will work out (for long).

There were too many "no go's" to make a relationship work in my view, false expectations and a difficulty to realise what is going on.

Many of us, surely experienced guys who treated you as you were meant being in a relationship, while you never admitted, or committed.

Most importantly, I wish that he finds first a bunch of good gay friends to share and talk about personal matters. In that sense he might have got the warning lights on a much earlier stage than wasting his short span of his life...

notd · June 10, 2023

I am incredibly sorry to hear that you had to go through such a painful breakup. In a way, it mirrored my first and only relationship. I was younger, he was older. I initiated contact most of the time, and he slowly drifted apart from the relationship over time. To be fair, the both of us were falling out of love with one another, and it boiled down to a lack of relationship fit. That being said, he also did start to chat guys up on Grindr, to map out potential suitors to jump ship to as I was later informed by a shared acquaintance of ours. The breakup itself was messy, as there was no proper closure given, and during the first 6 months of the breakup, he kept me around, and injected himself into my social circle, causing some complications between me and my friends. Thankfully, my peers have stuck by me and unconditionally supported me.

It was painful, but it took me approximately 3-4 years to work over the trauma, properly heal from the wounds and emerge anew again. He on the other hand, moved on in a short span of 6 months I believe. My friend noted he was in a relationship shortly after we broke up, which added credence to our shared acquaintance's claims that he was already scouting potential suitors while we were together. Whatever it is, I hope he is happy, though I have no desire to retain what remains of our broken relationship. It would have been a different story had the breakup been clean.

Nevertheless, I think you've gotten your fair share of advice from fellow members already, and so, I'll just leave you with this. The recovery process will hurt, you will experience moments of wanting to go back to him, or find yourself fantasizing on the what-ifs had the two of you still been together. And that's perfectly okay. It's part of the healing process. A breakup isn't just a separation between two distinct people, it's a separation between you past and present self, and the journey to reconnect with one another to make yourself whole again. Every time a breakup happens, particularly for the one who has had it worse, there's a tendency for the mind to self-blame. Learn to recognize those intrusive thoughts and reaffirm your worth. This isn't a process you can rush or expedite, it will go at your own pace and you can expect days where you regress before you lean to progress forward again.

Remember, good days don't last, but bad days don't last either.

June 11, 2023

Thanks guys for reading up all my lengthy posts and putting up with me though. I just wish to express my feelings and wrote it out here perhaps also as a way to help me in my healing a bit. Hope you all don't mind reading.

This happened just last night. I had a dream of my ex coming back to my side. I tried to distance myself, I tried not to accept it because of the hurt he did to me but my heart fully melts back after he came closer to me and gave me a tight loving hug. It was only him who can do that. And then I woke up realizing it was all just a dream. How I wish I could stay in that dream forever. And there was actually a smile on my face naturally at the moment. And then the smile disappeared once I returned to the harsh reality. Hmmm....

There is just so much of mixed feeling inside me now. I guess like what everyone else said earlier, it's part and parcel of the healing process. At one time, I would miss him a lot and want him to come back to me. At another time, I would think of all the red flags that he had shown in our past relationship and felt it's really a wise decision to let him go. It's just so contradicting...it's like my mind is playing tricks on me. I continue to overthink.

Now, whenever I'm trying to go out for a walk to avoid myself from staying whole time in my room alone and to clear off my mind, the mission backfires. Why? Because wherever I go, all the memories of us walking along the same path some time ago came to my mind. I couldn't avoid it and feeling down again. We had just been through so much in all those years in SG. Sometime, I really couldn't stand myself for having so much energy to think about all these while my ex on the other hand had already quickly moved on, do not bother about me anymore, and found a new love over there.

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Had a break in a relationship and wish to share my thought here and seeking your feedback. Thanks

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