Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Searching for an Accountant

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.

 

Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"

The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."

[worldangel]

 Joke: “Pull over the curb,” said the...

“Pull over the curb,” said the policeman. “You don’t have a taillight.”

 

The motorist stepped out, looked in back of the car, and stood quivering and speechless. “Oh, it’s not that bad,” said the policeman.

 

The man mumbled, “It’s not the taillight I am worried about. Where are my wife and trailer?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bigger means dumber

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[worldangel]

Joke: "Just to establish some parameters ...

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"Elation."

"And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy up..."

[worldangel]

Joke: The will to live...

A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".

The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman goes into a dentist ...

A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.

Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.

To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.

[worldangel]

 Joke: What Their Daddy's Do

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.
Little Mary went first, “My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives”

“That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”

[worldangel]

Joke: There was this guy at a bar, ..

 There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. 

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." 

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." 

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A wife woke in the middle of the ...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

 

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby.

"Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?" 

"Yes, of course," she replied. 
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The graduate with a science degree

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: I think...

There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.

They have a seat at the bar. The bar tender says, "If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then "POOF" you'll disappear."

So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, "I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!", "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Then the brunette goes in. "I think that i am the smartest woman in the world," "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror. She waits... nothing happens... she is glad. She stands bravely and states, "I think... "POOF " she disappears.

[worldangel]

 Joke: An explorer walked into a clearing ...

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked.

 

The pigmy answered: "Yes". "How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"

"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.

"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big's your club?"

The pigmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"

[worldangel]

Joke: A deaf mute walks into pharmacy...

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Quarts

Mesmerized by the automatic milking machine, the pubescent young boy decided to place his member in one of the slots and have it milk him. 

The experiment proved highly successful, but when he was finished, he was unable to liberate himself. Unwillingly he called for his father. After examining the situating, the farmer headed for his truck. 

“Where are you going?” the boy cried. 

“To town, to get oysters. That machine there is set at two quarts.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother of Six 

A man has six children and he is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections. 

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and he wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?” 

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Come Out of the Same Place 

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" 

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. 

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I've Never Even Kissed A Man 

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" 

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings; she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." 

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess." 

The mother says, "Pregnant? She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" 

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" 

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" 

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What's Making You Sad?

Charlie was telling his tale of woe to his boss. He said, “I was so drunk last night that I don’t know how I got home. Not realizing it was my bed I slept in when I awoke, I handed the woman next to me a $20.00 bill.” 

“Is that what’s making you sad?” 

“No,” said Charlie. “It was my wife I gave the $20.00 to, but she gave me $10.00 change.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not So Loud 

Two friends are standing at a whorehouse door.

 

The first one says, “I heard half these broads have the clap and all of ‘em are thieves.” 

The second friend says, “Not so loud, or they won’t let us in.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: If I Knew You Were A Virgin

A man and his girlfriend are making love in his car for the first time. 

Afterwards the man said, "If I knew you were a virgin, I would have been more tender. 

The girl said, "Oh, if you were not so extremely anxious, I would’ve had time to take off my silk stockings."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Every Breath I Take 

A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

 

Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?” 

“Really?” the man says. 

"Yes," she replies. 

“Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

[worldangel]

Joke: 25 Years Ago   A man, celebrating his 25th anniversary, looked at his wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, I lived in a one-room apartment, watched a 15-inch black-and-white TV, and drove a rusty old car. But, every night, I slept with a gorgeous blonde. You're ageing now, and I figure you're not keeping up your appearance like you did all those years ago. I'm not too happy about it."  His wife looked back at him and said, "It's true that I'm not what I used to be. But, sleep with a gorgeous blonde tonight, and I'll see that, once again, you're living in a one-room apartment, watching a 15-inch, black-and-white TV, and driving a rusty, old car."

[worldangel]

 Joke: What If I Swallow It?

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks. 

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." 

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber begins to give the man the closest shave he has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" 

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blondes Like That

While walking in the park, two blondes see another blonde rowing her boat on the grass.

 

The first blonde says to the second blonde, "It's blondes like that one that give us a bad name!" 

The second blonde replies, "I know, if I could swim I would go over there and punch her!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Bet You 50 He Will 

A dumb college girl went into a bar. She sat down next to this guy and started watching the news. On the news there was a man getting ready to jump off a bridge. The girl said, “I don’t think that he is going to jump." 

"No, I am pretty sure he will,” said the guy. 

The girl lays down a $50dollar bill and says, “I bet you $50 dollars he won’t." 

The man lays down a 50 too and says, “I bet you $50 dollars he will." They kept watching and sure enough the man jumped. The girl then pushes the 50 towards him. The guy laughs and says, "I can’t take that. I saw this an hour ago." 

She says, “No you take it. I saw it an hour ago too. But I never dreamed he would jump again!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Quick thinking...

One day, Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels and stick 'em on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir," replied Earl. "We're on the patch!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man is recovering from surgery...

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered. 

"What did he say," asked the nurse. 

"Oops!" 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Steak and Beer for A Quarter

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays. After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food. 

After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him." 

"No problem," says the barman. "He's upstairs with my wife." 

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man. 

"Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Handsome face

After accepting an invitation to dance with a rather prematurely balding man, Kate, 25 years of age, wanted to lighten the mood and said, "Well, the Heaven was good to you, gave you a handsome face and room for another one."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bowling ball humor

I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls.

 

Nobody cleans those holes.

 

There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers.

 

I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole?

 

You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.

[worldangel]

Joke: A Brunette's Sac

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.

Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.

[worldangel]

Joke: Best room in the hotel?

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

[worldangel]

Joke: Restroom Talk

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?' 

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.' 

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?' 

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.' 
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?' 

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!' 

Then I hear the guy say nervously... 

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'

[worldangel]

 Joke: Watching the game

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, 'What are you doing?'

He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Drink in cafe

Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.

"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."

"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.

"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.

"Getting here cost me my last scent."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Flustered

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Dad's Surprise Visit

A father, passing through his son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to his boy.

 

Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window.

"Whattya want?" the voice asked.

"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.

"Yeah!" replied the voice: "Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."

[worldangel]

Joke: Train Accident

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well... The bad news first...

 

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

 

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two girlfriends were speeding ...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Fxck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Having arrived at the edge of ...

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.

 

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

 

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

 

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat.

 

Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Three Women

There were these three women. One blonde, one red, and one brunet. They were all about to be shot. One by one. When the brunet came up, the man asked "Do you have any last words before you die?"

The brunet said "No."

Then the man said, "Ok. Ready, aime..."

then before the man could finish the bunet yelled, "Earthquake!!" Then everyone ran and so escaped. Then when the red head came up, the man said, "Do you have any last words before you die?"

The red head said, "No."

Then the man said, "Ok. Ready, aime..."

then before the man could finish the red head yelled, "Tornando!!" Then everyone ran and the red head escaped. Then when the blonde came up, the man said, "Do you have any last words before you die?"

The blonde said, "No."

Then the man said, "Ok. Ready, aime..."

then before the man could finish the blonde yelled, "FIRE!!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flustered

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Christmas gift...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
 

[worldangel]

·     Joke: Little Emily was complaining to...

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

 

The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

[worldangel]

Joke: 40th wedding anniversary

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. 

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. 
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! 

Gotta love that fairy! 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flustered

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Late Patrick

My colleague Patrick is not a morning person. His habit of getting up late in the mornings and arriving late at work would always land him in trouble at the office.

Our boss, Mr. Jenkins was getting increasingly mad at him and after reprimanding him, threatened to demote him if he didn't do something about it.

So Patrick visited his doctor for advice. The doc gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Patrick slept well, and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss", he said, "I went to the doctor and he gave me a medicine that actually worked!"
"That's all right" said Mr. Jenkins, "But where the hell were you yesterday?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Dead Dog

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure", the distraught woman asked? "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it", the vet announced, "your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

"That will be $1,330", the vet replied.

"I don't believe it", screamed the woman! "What did you do that cost $1,330????"

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $1,300 for the CAT scan."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Family quarrel...

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

 

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

 

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

[worldangel]

Joke: Police officer pulled this ...

Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking.

 

The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"