Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Pretty normal

A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said. "

 

The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling."

The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."

"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband too."

[worldangel]

Joke: How Long to get a Haircut?

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

[worldangel]

Joke: Husbands nicknames

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.

Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."

Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?"

Kathy frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?" asked Joanne.

"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."

[worldangel]

Joke: Winding up the tough guy

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother."

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother."

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother."

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Skydiving...

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Repair Estimate

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

 

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually it's my boss's idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Flustered

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man at this construction...

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back." 

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got." 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a beautiful young blonde ...

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.

She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke. 

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Alien Sex

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.

"Well," she said.

"That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flustered

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”

[worldangel]

 Joke: The sacrifice....

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bought A Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." 

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." 
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. 
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." 

"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." 

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. 

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

[worldangel]

Joke: 100 pound pig

Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig.

The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".

Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".

The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".

The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".

The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Blonde - Tracks

Three Blonds are walking down the street when they see some tracks.

 

The first one said "I think they are dog tracks",

 

The second one said "I think they are cow tracks".

 

The third one said "I think they are Dodo bird tracks".

 

What happened next?

They all got hit by a train!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: How many did you catch...

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!

[worldangel]

 Joke: Blind Man

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. 

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." 

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Just a drill!

Nicholas and Brenda had been married long. They had a luxurious fishing boat which they often used together, but it was Nicholas who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen if there was an emergency.

So one day out on the lake, Nicholas suddenly announced to Brenda, "Ok sweetheart, this is an emergency drill. Pretend that I am having a cardiac arrest. You must get the boat safely to shore."
Brenda was initially taken aback, but she soon composed herself and managed to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, Brenda walked into the living room where Nicholas was watching TV. She sat down next to him, snatched the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him, "OK sweetheart, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a cardiac arrest. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sheep jumping over fence

Mrs. Smith, the maths teacher, gave the class a problem to solve.

She asked the first graders, "If I had ten sheep and five of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"

"None," answered little Tommy.

Mrs. Smith glared at Tommy and said, "None? Tommy, what's wrong with your arithmetic?"

Tommy answered, "Mrs. Smith, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A couple from the kids...

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, 'There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.' 'How did you know?' his mother asked.

 

'Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,' he replied. 'I think it's printed on the bottom.'

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. 'What are you doing?' his mother asked.

 

'The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken' the boy explained. 'I'm looking for the seal.'

[worldangel]

Joke: An annoyingly self-righteous man ...

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. 

He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." 

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?" 

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." 

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor. 

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it." 

"Well, uh," said the doctor, "do you have much sex life?" 

"Oh, no!" said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night, and I always have been." 

The doctor paused, looked hard at the man, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" 

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." 

"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two men were hunting deer when...

Two men were hunting deer when a large bear rears up and begins to charge them.

The one man puts his running shoes on and begins to run with the other man.

The second man asks why he put them on because it wont help him out run the bear.

He said "I don't need to out run the bear I need to out run you."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just a drill!

Nicholas and Brenda had been married long. They had a luxurious fishing boat which they often used together, but it was Nicholas who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen if there was an emergency.

So one day out on the lake, Nicholas suddenly announced to Brenda, "Ok sweetheart, this is an emergency drill. Pretend that I am having a cardiac arrest. You must get the boat safely to shore."

Brenda was initially taken aback, but she soon composed herself and managed to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, Brenda walked into the living room where Nicholas was watching tv. She sat down next to him, snatched the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him, "OK sweetheart, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a cardiac arrest. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Blessing....

A woman invited some people to dinner.

 

At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "

 

I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

 

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman answered.

 

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Doc Steadman

Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."

"Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.

"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."

"Right again. But how'd you....."

"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."

"Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second man in amazement.

"Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Free sex

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Camel Questions

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?" 

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand." 

"Okay," says the son. 

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" 
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert." 

"Thanks Mom," replies the son. 

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"
His mother replies impatiently, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert." 

"That's great Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these humps to store water, but Mom..." 

"Yes, son?" 

"Do we really need all of these in the zoo?" 
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Wedding night

A guy on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife "geez, I never realized you had such big breasts."

The wife gets all upset and throws him out.

While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. "What happened?" asks the first man.

"Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was "Geez, I didn't realize you had such a big Butt..." then she threw me out.

Just then a third guy comes storming out into the hall.

"Hey" says the second guy "Did you put your foot in it as well?"

"No" says the third guy, "But I bloody well could have."

[worldangel]

Joke: Can You Tell Me the Time?

"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" asked the blonde of a man on the street corner.

"Sure....it's three fifteen," he replied with a smile.

"Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face." You know, it's the weirdest thing-I've been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Who drives you?

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The trick...

A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

[worldangel]

Joke: Charity

Tony had gathered a lot of cash from trick-or-treating, so he headed for candy store to buy some goodies.

"You should donate that money to charity," said the sales girl.

Tony thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."

[worldangel]

Joke: A lady is walking down the street ...

A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"

The bird said, "you know." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cold Water

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. 

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" 

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" 
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" 

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" 

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". 
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A mother had three daughters and ...

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding days, she tells each one of them to write back and tell her about their marriage life.

The first one gets married. The second day the letter arrives with a simple message: "Maxwell Coffee House". The Mother got confused and finally noticed a Maxwell advert saying "Satisfaction to the last drop...".

When the second daughter got married, it took a week for the letter to arrive and the message read: "Rothmans". So the Mother looked at a Rothmans ad, and saw: "Life Size, King Size"

Finally it was the third one's wedding. Mother was very anxious. After 4 weeks came the message: "British Airways". When mother looked into the ad, she fainted. The ad read: "Twice a day. Four times a week. Both ways."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma Jones...

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord.

"What's that?" she demanded with great suspicion, suspecting it might be one of those high tech items the city folks talked about.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Expert Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

 

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Painless

When a new dentist set up in town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the 'Painless' dentist. However a local little girl called Gemima disputed his claim.

'He's a fake!' Gemima told her friends. 'He's not painless at all. When he stuck his finger in my mouth I bit him - and he screamed like anyone else.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Heaven and Hell

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.

One doctor steps forward and says: "I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities."

Saint Peter says: "Enter."

The other doctor says: "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people."

Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.

The third applicant steps forward and says: "I was an ACC account manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care."

Saint Peter tells him: "You can come in, too."

As the ACC account manager walks by, Saint Peter adds: "But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Ladies and gentlemen, hobos an...

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps, Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants! 

I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before, So pull up a chair and sit on the floor. Admission is free, so pay at the door. 

One fine day, in the middle of the night, two, dead boys got up to fight. Back to back, they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. 

A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys. If you don't believe my lies are true, ask the blind man, he saw it too!

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog Steals Roast

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Twins

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

 

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I acciddently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

 

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

 

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

[worldangel]

Joke: I need water....

A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.

The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.

The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Sister-in-law

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

[worldangel]

Joke: A sister and brother are talking ...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." 
The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

[worldangel]

Joke: So one day, Gramma sent her grandson ...

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. 

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" 

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" 

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A policeman brought four boys ...

A policeman brought four boys before a judge. 
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said. 

"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. 
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong." 

"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." 
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." 

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." 
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: More beer

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said: "It's started."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Unpaid bills

Rick, a retail merchant sent an order to a manufacturer for 10,000 t-shirts amounting to $ 70,000.

The manufacturer, noting that the previous bill hadn't been paid, told the accounts manager to check it. The accounts manager sent an e-mail to Rick saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the previous one."

The next day the accounts manager received a reply from Rick. It said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

[worldangel]

Joke: My Wife Is Missing

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" 

"Why?" 

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."