Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was driving along the highway...

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
 

It said: "'Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer was cross-examining the ...

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."

 

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

 

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

[worldangel]

Joke: Switching the birthday gift

Mike bought a piano for Jane on her birthday.

 

After a few days, Mike's friend inquired with him how Jane was doing with the piano.

"Well," said Mike, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"Why is that?" asked the friend.

Mike answered, "That's because with a clarinet, she cannot sing."

[worldangel]

Joke: Once upon a time there was a ...

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south.

 

In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.

 

The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Invisible Man

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

[worldangel]

Joke: Paper shredder...

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old men were sitting around ...

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." 

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy is sitting at a bar ...

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.

 

The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch."

 

He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.

 

The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

[worldangel]

Joke: TGIF

A businessman got into an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, 'T-G-I-F'
He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T'

She looked at him puzzled and said, 'T-G-I-F' again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, 'T-G-I-F' another time.

The man smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time she said, 'T-G-I-F. Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?'

The man answered, 'S-H-I-T, Sorry Honey It's Thursday.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Patience Is A Virtue 

A man was observing a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." 

The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now." 

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out." 

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap." 

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. 

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Turn the Page 

A couple was laying in bed one night reading and ever so often the man would reach over and rub the woman across the snatch. This went on several times. 

The woman was starting to get a little horny. The woman finally jumped up, took her clothes off, and told her husband to make love to her. 

The husband laughed and said he was only getting some moisture on his fingers to turn the pages.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Standing Straight Up

Two women are fishing. Lisa always catches the most fish. Wanda asked her, "How do you do it? Every time we go fishing you always catch the most fish." 

Lisa replied, "When I wake up in the morning, if my husband's thing is hanging off to the left, I fish off the left side of the boat. If his thing is hanging off to the right, I fish off the right side of the boat." 

Wanda says, "What if his thing is standing straight up?” 

Lisa replies, "Then you don't go fishing!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Did She Roll? 

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. 

She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude." 

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" 

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. 

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Send Her the Bottom Half 

A man living in a nudist camp gets a letter from his mother requesting that he send her a photo of himself. Unfortunately, the only pictures he has are ones in which he is wearing no clothes. So he cuts a snapshot in half, and then sends the photo showing him from the waist up to his mother. 

His mother is so pleased with the picture that she asks him to send one to his grandmother. The man thinks to himself, “Grandma’s eyesight is so bad these days; I’ll send her the bottom half.” 

A week later he receives a letter from his grandmother. In the letter she writes, “I liked your picture, but your new hairstyle makes your nose look too long.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Man's Perfect Breakfast 

What's the definition of a man's perfect breakfast? 

His son is on the cover of the Wheaties box, his mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and his wife is on the back of the milk carton.

 

[worldangel]

Joke:The Most Boring Party   “That was the most boring party I’ve ever been to,” complained the glamorous young fashion editor to her roommate. “Goodness was it dull.”  “But you stayed quite a while, didn’t you?” asked her roommate.  “Yes. But only because I could not find my clothes!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: What Do You Know? 

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." 

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" 

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman as he smiled smugly, "How about global warming; universal health care; or stimulus packages?" 

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" 

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." 

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?" 

And then she went back to reading her book.

[worldangel]

Joke: My Sex Life Is A Holiday 

Benny was talking to his best friend Sam. "Don't tell anyone, Sam, but my Sadie once again had a headache last night." 

"Really?" said Sam. 

"Yes," replied Benny, "it's been like this for some weeks now. I've been thinking that they must have named a Jewish holiday after my sex life." 

"Which one?" Sam asked. 

"Passover,” replied Benny.

[worldangel]

Joke: My Wife Is Unfaithful 

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?” 

“Relax,” says the shrink. “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Got So Wrapped Up 

“Doctor,” said the young woman. “I’d prefer being vaccinated where it won’t show.” 

“All right,” replied the physician “but you’ll have to pay in advance.” 

“And why do I have to pay in advance?” the girl protested. 

“Because the last time a patient as pretty as you made that request,” he explained, “I got so wrapped up in what I was doing I forgot to charge her.”

Edited January 31, 2019 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Group Therapy for Moms 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions", he observed. 

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." 

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." 

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." 

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stopping By the Convent 

Three storks meet and ask each other, “Where are you going today?” 

“Hooo, I'm going to a couple trying to have a child for 10 years... I bring them a little girl." 

"That’s cool! And you?” 

“I am going to see a lady who has never had children. I bring her a boy!" 

“Very well, I'm sure she'll be really happy." 

And you?” The first two ask the third stork. 

“Me? I am going over to the nearby convent. I would never bring them anything, but I love to scare them.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tastes Like Shit 

The pharmacist proudly showed Mr. Johnson his newest product. “It’s an apple that tastes like a woman.” 

Curious, Mr. Johnson took a bite. He spat violently, “This doesn't taste like a woman, this tastes like shit!" 

The pharmacist turned it around. “Sorry,” he said, “you bit the wrong side.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: My First One  

This guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 7 shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Wow, must be a big occasion?" 

The guy says, "Ya, my first blowjob." 

The bartender says, "How about I give you an eighth shot on the house." 

The guy says, "If 7 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Monument Ballroom 

This guy buys some new underwear from a department store.

 

He takes them home and tries them on, but to his dismay they don't fit properly, so off he goes back to the store.

 

When it's his turn at the customer service window, the lady asks him why he's returning the underwear. 

The man replies by asking the saleslady, "Have you ever heard of the ballroom in the Monument?" 

The puzzled saleslady scratches her head and says, "What ballroom?" 

The man snaps, "Exactly!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Married Women vs. Single Women 

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? 

A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Am I the First?

“Tell me,” the husband asked his wife on their wedding night, “Am I the first man you ever slept with?” 

“No,” the woman shook her head. “I’d have recognized you when we met.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rectum Stretcher 

Early one morning, a rookie cop was on radar duty under a bridge. He observed a red Corvette traveling at a ridiculous speed. Upon pulling the car over he asked the driver, " What's the hurry, Buddy?" 

The driver calmly replied, " I'm late for work." 

"Oh yeah, what exactly do you do?" asked the cop. 

"I’m a Rectum Stretcher," the driver says. "I stick one finger in the rectum, wriggle it around, and then when it's stretched large enough, I move on to two fingers and so on until I make the rectum about 6 feet." 

"What the hell do you do with a 6-foot ass?” the cop inquired. 

"Well, apparently you give him a radar gun and tell him to hide under a bridge..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Number 1 and Number 2 

Bob is injured in a car accident and is admitted to hospital. He ends up in a men’s ward, next to Joe and Phil. Phil yells out to the nurse, "Hey nurse, I need to take a piss!" 

The nurse comes over and says, "Don’t talk like that here, please. Say I need to do number one." 

Some time later, Joe yells out to the nurse, "Hey nurse, I need to take a shit!" 

The nurse comes over and says, "Please don't talk like that. Say I need to do number two." 

Sometime later, Bob calls the nurse over and whispers to her, "Nurse, I need to take a shit but I haven't been given a number yet."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Come Again

A young woman walked into dry cleaners and walked up to the counter. 

She handed the guy her blouse and as she left, he said, "Come again!" 

She replied, "No, it was ketchup this time."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Does It Work?

A group of four men often got together to play racquetball. After the game three of them men showered in the locker room, then went and had a few drinks in the club bar. After this had been going on for some time, one of the three men asked the man who always left, “How come you never hang around and get cleaned up and have a few with us?” 

The fourth man seemed a little embarrassed, but he admitted that he didn’t want to be seen in the shower with the other men because he felt his penis was small. 

So the first man asked, “Does it work?” 

“Of course, it works extremely well.” 

So the first man asked, “Would you like to trade it in for one that looks great in the shower?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Can't You, Doc?

A veterinarian is feeling ill and goes to see her doctor. The doctor asks her all the usual questions about symptoms, how long they have been occurring, etc. 

She interrupts him, “Hey look, I’m a vet. I don’t need to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?" 

The doctor nods, looks her up and down, writes out a prescription, and hands it to her. "There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: For My Wife and Myself

A couple steeped up to the desk clerk of one of the city’s hotel. “I’d like a room with a bath for my wife and myself," said the young man. 

“I’m terrible sorry, sir,” said the clerk, “but the only room available doesn’t have a bath, only a shower.” 

“Will that be all right with you, darling?” the man asked the young woman at his side. 

“Sure, mister,” she said.

[worldangel]

Joke: Exposed Underwear

Susan is great at doing head stands. She was advised by her mum not to practise it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed. 

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day in school and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills. 

Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties." 

"How come, sweetie?", said Mum. 

"Because I took them off Mum," she replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: State of the Art Watch

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" 

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." 

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" 

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." 

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" 

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." 

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!" 

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Intestines and Liver

“Today,” said the professor, “I will be lecturing about the intestines and the liver.” 

Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward the other, “Damn, if there is one thing I hate it’s an organ recital.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Like the Way You Think

There's a little boy in Ms. Hill's class named Rodger, and he's a little raunchy. One day Ms. Hill goes, "Would anyone like to guess what's red and round?" 

Rodger raises his hand and says, ”A red ball." 

"No, it's an apple," says Ms. Hill, "but I like the way you think." Then she says, "What's orange and round?" 

Rodger says, "An orange ball." 

"No, it's an orange, but I like the way you think." 

Then Rodger says, "I got one for you, Ms. Hill. What's long and pink?" 

Ms. Hill looks stern and says, "Rodger, that is unacceptable in my class!" 

Then Rodger says, "Actually, it's an eraser, but I like the way you think!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Go Out Like My Grandfather

Two men are talking about how they want to leave the world. “I’d like to go out like my uncle,” says the first man. “He died at the race track.” 

The second man says he’d like to go out like his grandfather. “He just died peacefully. Fell asleep and never woke up or made a sound. Nothing like the people riding in his bus.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guest in a posh hotel comes ... 

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat.

 

I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” that’s a complicated order sir, said the bewildered waiter.

 

 “It might be quite difficult.”

 

The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Love In the Storeroom

During the morning coffee break, the boss discovered a pair of very junior executives making love in the storeroom. “How can you explain this?” the boss bellowed. 

“Well,” said Ms. Smith, straightening her skirt, “neither of us drinks coffee.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Big Potato

Jake and Jim are chatting at the beach. Jake asks Jim how come he is always so popular with the women. 

Jim explains, "I find a big potato and put it down my swim trunks and that’s my secret." 

A few days later they meet again on the beach and Jake says, "I tried what you said but all they do is look at me in disgust." 

Jim replies, "Yes, but you are supposed to put it in the front, not the BACK!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Am Suing You

A woman walks in to her boss’s office and she tells him, "I heard all the other women in the office are suing you for sexual harassment. Since you have not harassed me, I am suing you for discrimination!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Have Your Aspirin A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife once again complained, "I have a headache."  "Don’t worry," her husband said. “I was just powdering myself with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing Hide-and-Seek Idiots

A husband returned earlier from a business trip and he wanted to surprise his wife. The wife was, of course, in the bed with the neighbour - Peter. As she heard her husband coming home she told Peter to hide in the wardrobe. 

She lied down on the floor, pretending she had a heart attack. Her husband came in and saw his wife on the floor. He was very alarmed! At that moment his little kid came in saying, “Daddy, daddy! Peter is hiding in the wardrobe!” 

The man went to the wardrobe and shouted, “You nerd! Instead helping me with my sick wife, you're playing hide-and-seek with the kid!”

[worldangel]

 Joke: What Are You Here For?

Two kids are in hospital, in surgical gowns, sitting on their gurneys. “What are you here for?” asked the first child. 

“I’m here to get my tonsils removed,” says the second child. 

“Don’t worry,” the first child says. “I had my tonsils removed last year and you get all the ice cream you want!” 

The second child asks the first child, “What are you’re here for?” 

“I’m here for a circumcision,” says the first child. 

“Oh my Goodness,” says the second child. “I had that done when I was born, I did not walk for a year!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting Married

Man #1: "I don't want to get married because I’m afraid of all women." 

Man #2: "Just get married soon. Then you'll be afraid of only one woman and start loving other women."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Life's Saddest Disappointment

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class, "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal." 

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer. Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?" 

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye." 

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the first girl, who had threatened to complain to her parents and principal. He said, "Well, Mary, I have three things to tell you. First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do You Know Who I Am? The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is, they all run out except this one old man. So, the devil walks up to him and says, "Do you know who I am?"  The old man sips his beer and answers, "Yep".  The Devil says, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"  The old man looks over and says, "I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: If It Makes You Nauseous

A couple is riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go." 

"Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine." 

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please." 

"Yes sir," says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: You Can Always Use Hot Water

Two blondes are sitting together having a great time and drinking tea. One says to the other after some time, "Oh, I have so much hot water left over and I do not want to waste it. What should I do?" 

The other blonde quickly replies, "Oh, that's easy, you can always use hot water. Just freeze it!"