Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The Couple Shuffle

Two couples are on a double date when they start talking about partner swapping. They decide it would be cool to try it out. The two couples then go to a local motel. They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly shuffled couples go to their respective rooms. 

One couple, in their room, go wild with each other. They make love for hours. When finished, one of the two rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow, lights up a cigarette, looks at her partner, and says... 

"I wonder how the guys are doing?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lucky So Far

Little Johnny and the little girl next door are in love. One day Johnny goes to his mother and tells her that the two are getting married. She thinks this is absolutely adorable and asks, "Well Johnny, where are the two of you going to live?" 

He says they can live in her room. "And how are you going to support your new wife?" Johnny's mother asks. Johnny tells her the two of their allowances combined should be enough to support two six year olds. 

"Well what will you do if you have a baby?" 

Johnny look at her, shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well we've been lucky so far."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Warning You

 

A woman calls her butler into her bedroom, “Jay,” she says.

“Yes, madam?" answers the butler. 

“Jay, take off my dress.”

“Yes, madam,” he says, and removes the dress. 

“Jay, take off my bra.”

“Yes, madam,” he says, and he takes off her bra. 

“Now, Jay, take off my shoes and stockings.”

“Yes, madam,” he says as he removes her shoes and stockings. “Now,” says the woman, “take off my panties. And I’m warning you, Jay, you’re going to lose your job if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Want A Quickie

A man goes into a restaurant. A beautiful waitress comes over to serve him and asks what he would like. He says, “I want a quickie.” 

She slaps him and says, “Just give me your order, mister!” 

The man says, “I want a quickie!” 

She slaps him again. “Last chance, what do you want?” 

The man insists, “Look, I really, really want a quickie!” 

Another customer leans over and says, “I believe that’s pronounced quiche.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Lil Red Riding Hood

One day lil red riding hood was walking through the forest when the wolf came out and said, "I'm gonna fxck your lil red socks off!" 

Lil red riding hood said, "No way," and kept on walking. After a while lil red riding hood took a small break from walking. 

The wolf said, "I'm gonna fxck your lil red socks off!" 

Lil red Riding hood replied, "No you ain't," and kept walking on the path. She finally reached her Grandmas House and stepped inside. The wolf was waiting for her. 

The wolf stated, "I'm gonna fxck your lil red socks off!" 

Lil red riding hood replied, "The hell you are! You are gonna eat me just like the story goes!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Meet A Beautiful Young Woman

A frog called the Psychic hotline and was told, You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." 

The frog said, "That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" 

"No," replied the psychic. "Next semester in biology class."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: That Was My Shot

Three friends went deer hunting: a doctor, a lawyer, and a preacher. After hours of waiting, a huge deer suddenly appeared. Excited, all three men aimed and pulled their triggers at the same time, and the animal fell dead. 

The doctor said, "That was my shot." The lawyer replied, "I'm sure I shot it." The preacher disagreed, "I killed that deer." The argument was about to get out of hand when the doctor said, "Let me do an autopsy to settle this matter once for all." 

After the examination, the doctor reported, "It was the preacher who killed the deer." 

The lawyer asked, "What's the proof?" 

The doctor replied, "The bullet went in one ear and out the other."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: What Are You Thinking Now? A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"  The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fxck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."  Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"  He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Edited February 10, 2019 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 Joke: You've Had It

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

 

The surprised madam looks at the ancient man and asks, "How old are you?" 

“I’m 90 years old,” he says. 

“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?” 

“Oh, sorry,” says the old man. “How much do I owe you?”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Okay To Marry Joe

A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.

 

He tells his wife that after the passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass away, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.” 

“Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe?” 

“I do,” the man, answers.

[worldangel]

 Joke: For Next Christmas

 

A small girl’s father asked her what she would most like for Christmas. The girl, knowing that her mother was expecting, replied, “A baby brother.” 

To everyone’s delight, the mother came back from the hospital on Christmas Eve with a baby boy in her arms. Some time later, the father said to his daughter, “And next Christmas what would you like?” 

“Well,” said the girl, after some thought, “If it wouldn’t be too uncomfortable for Mom, I’d like a pony.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Head and Shoulders

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street.

 

The brunette says to the blonde, "My boyfriend has dandruff so I give him 'Head and Shoulders'." 

The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?!?!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What's the Nail For?

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores. “A guy will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I’ve hung a nail by the right stall so you’ll know which one I want him to impregnate." 

Satisfied that his wife had the instructions clear, the farmer leaves for town. That afternoon, the inseminator arrives and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. “This is the cow right here,” she tells him.

“What’s the nail for?” 

“I guess it’s to hang up your pants.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Unattractive Ladies Man

A very handsome man at a singles bar is sitting at a prime location having a drink. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks in, with no luck. Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Minutes later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. 

Disheartened by all this, the good looking guy calls the bartender and says, “Excuse me, but do you know that man’s secret? I mean, he’s not what you’d call attractive, in fact he’s ugly as sin, and yet the ladies adore him. I’m everything a girl could want but I haven’t been able to score all night. What’s going on?” 

“Well,” said the bartender, “I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Will This Take Care of It?

A cab driver sees a woman hailing him down a busy street. He pulls over and is surprised when she gets in and sits down besides him on the front seat. She gives him an address and they drive off. 

When they arrive at her address, the cab driver stops and shuts off the meter. “Okay,” he says, “that will be $10.50, please.” 

The woman looks over and says to him, “To tell you the truth, I don’t have any money, but..." she says, pulling her skirt up to her waist, “maybe this will take care of it?” 

The cabbie looks down and says, “Gee, lady don’t you have anything smaller?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Blonde from First Class

On a flight to New York the flight attendant said to a lady sitting in first class, "Ma´am, I'm afraid you'll have to sit in the back since you have a coach ticket." The lady responded, "Listen, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class." 

The two argued for a while but finally the flight attendant went and got the first officer - who came and said, "Ma´am, I'm afraid you'll have to move into the coach section since you have a coach ticket". To which she replied, "Listen, sir, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class." 

After they argued for a while the first officer gave up and went to get the Captain who said, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a beautiful blonde." So - the Captain went right up to her, whispered in her ear, after which she got right up and moved into the coach section. 

Both the flight attendant and first officer were shocked and asked the Captain - "I don't get it sir. What did you say to make her move back to coach." To which the Captain said, "Oh that was easy, I just told her first class wasn't going to NY!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Now You Are Sorry

 

An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat, Fu-Fu. A fairy appears and says, ”I’m here to grant you three wishes.” 

The old woman says, “I wish I was twenty-years old and beautiful again.” Poof! She is. 

“Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion.” Poof! Done. 

“And now I wish that Fu-Fu was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me.” 

Poof! Suddenly she’s in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says, “Darling, aren’t you sorry you had me fixed?”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: That's Fair, Your Honour

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." 

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

[worldangel]

Joke: What Did the Doctor Say?

A woman goes to her gynaecologist for her annual exam and comes home and says to her husband, "Honey, the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old." 

"Oh yeah," says her husband, "what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?" 

"Oh," she says, "he never mentioned you."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It Doesn't Work That Quick

After completing their shopping, these two friends were about to drive back home and one of them realized that she’d forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for birth-control pills. 

Rushing into the nearest drugstore, she handed the prescription to the pharmacist. “Can you fill this quickly?” she asked. “I’ve got someone waiting in the car.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Large Stiff One

After noticing a beautiful young redhead sitting alone at the bar, a young stud confidently strolls over to her side and says, “What can I get you, gorgeous?” 

The woman blushes and replies, “If you’re sure you don’t mind, I’ll have a large stiff one, please.” 

“Would that be before or after I get the drinks?”

[worldangel]

Joke: I Call It The Rodeo

Two guys are in a bar, having a beer and discussing different positions. The first one announces, “My favourite position is ‘the rodeo.’” 

“How does that one work?” asks his friend. 

“Well,” the first one replies, “you get your wife on all four on the bed, then do it to her doggy style. When she really starts enjoying it, you whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position, too.' Then you try and hang on for eight seconds!”

[worldangel]

Joke: A man who’s wife was pregnant ...

A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.

So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet. He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but there’s another one on the way"

He rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but there's another coming"
He rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy but there's another coming"

He couldn't stand it anymore so he went to the pub and got drunk.

An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialing the hospital, hands shaking, and accidently dialed the sports line. he asked " how many did we get mate" the person said "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck"

[worldangel]

Joke: There was this guy who went to.......

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.

First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."

The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else."

After a while he came back with a couple of pills.

The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?"

The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

[worldangel]

 Joke: That's Not A Worm

Little Sally accidentally walks in on her father going to the bathroom. Shocked, she runs to her mother and cries, “Mommy, Mommy! Daddy has a big fat ugly worm hanging out of his wee-wee!” 

That’s not a worm, sweetie,” comforts the mother. “That’s a very important part of daddy’s body. If daddy didn’t have one of those, you wouldn’t be here. And now that I think about it … neither would I.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Their Genitals Are Where?

 

“It’s common knowledge,” said the zoology student, “that elephants have their genital in their feet.” 

“Really?” said the professor. 

“Absolutely,” smiled the pupil. “If they step on you, you are fxcked!”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Check For Squirrels

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. 

One day, deep in the wild, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. 

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch. In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?" 

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always checks for squirrels."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Had It All

A man was complaining to a friend, “I had it all, money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman, everything! Then poof! It was all gone!” 

“What happened?” asked his friend. 

“My wife found out...”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Taking An Umbrella to a Gun Fight

A 90-year-old man was having his annual check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked. 

The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him." 

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. ”Someone else must have shot that lion”. 

"Exactly," said the Doctor.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Just Asked for Warm Milk
 

"We have your son," said the kidnapper. 

"I don't have a son," says the woman. 

"Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?" 

"Oh Goodness, you have my husband."

[worldangel]

Joke: Milkman
 

A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day. 

"Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks. 

The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier." 

The milkman asks, "Would you like the milk pasteurized?" 

She answers, "No, just up to the neck."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Take A Bath
 

Two small time thieves had been sent by the Big Boss to steal a van load of goods from a bathroom suppliers. One stayed in the van as look out and the other went into the storeroom.

Fifteen minutes went by, then half an hour, then an hour, and no sign of him. The look out finally grew impatient and went to look for his partner. Inside the store the two came face to face. 

"Where have you been?" demanded the worried look out. 

"The boss told me to take a bath, but I couldn't find the soap and a towel.

[worldangel]

Joke: Race to the End
 

Last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. 

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?" 

I replied, "You really want to know?" 

Then I dropped out of the race. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hit And Run
 

A man was crossing the road when he was hit by a car, which then sped off.

 

A police officer asked the injured man, ”Did you get a look at the driver?” 

”No,” he said, “but I can tell you it was my ex-wife.” 

“How do you know that?” asked the officer. 

“I’d recognize her laugh anywhere!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: You're Right

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.  One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming, "Feels just like my wife's ass."  With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Like Parking Lots

Two ladies are in a bar and the first lady says, "Why are men the same as parking lots?" 

The second lady says, "I don't know?” 

The first lady says, "All the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicap!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Kiss on the Butt Cheek

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. 

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. 

After the surgery was complete, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" 

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Hear Someone Coming

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. 

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. 

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let’s go to my apartment, I hear somebody coming." 

He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leaned against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" 

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." 

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?!?!? Look at these breasts! They are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my buns are firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" 

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Fools Are About To Go Flying

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
 

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Roll Of The Dice

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.

She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!

The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"

She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"

The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A couple is dressed and ready ...

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet, and put the cat out in the back yard. 

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. 

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." 

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. 

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! 

The cab driver hit a parked car. 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A woman's prerogative...

Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.

When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"

Her mother replied, "What do you mean?"

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one."

[worldangel]

Joke: 44th Birthday

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,

"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.

I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember...The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day, let's go!"

We went to lunch we didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...on the couch...naked.

[worldangel]

 Joke: A wife woke in the middle of to...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

 

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby. "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

 

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?" 
"Yes, of course," she replied. 

"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"

[worldangel]

Joke: On the first day of Spring Training...

On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.

The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.

The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Corruption

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mystery...???

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too farfrom the stage.

 

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shopping list

I was ill and my husband volunteered to go to the supermarket for me.

 

I sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

He returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags.

 

He had one bag of sugar, two cartons of eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

[worldangel]

Joke: Skim milk

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods; including skim milk. When she said her family would only drink whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked, one morning, whether the milk was okay.

“Sure, it's fine,” my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. “Why do you ask?”

“Because according to the bottle,” the daughter explained, “this milk expired a year ago.”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A duck walks into a drugstore ...

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the Pharmacist "gee, can you help me out. I need to buy some prophylactics but I forgot my wallet."

The Pharmacist replies "no problem, I'll just put them on your bill."

The Duck responds "gee Doc, that is not the way I planned to use them!"