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10 COMANDMENTS FOR THE OVER FIFTY

I. ACT AND BEHAVE YOUR AGE

Face and accept the reality of getting old, its consequences, and the limitations which growing old brings. Quit fooling yourself by trying to look like you were in your youth.

II. MOVE ON

Focus on enjoying people and not on indulging in/or accumulating material things. Enjoy life and meet new people. Do the things you have always wanted to do but was unable to do so. Follow your dream and your hearts' desire.....

III. PLAN TO SPEND WHATEVER YOU HAVE SAVED

You deserve to enjoy it and the few healthy years you have left. Travel if you can afford it. Don't leave anything for your children or loved ones to quarrel about. By leaving anything, you may cause even more trouble when you are gone.

IV. LIVE IN THE PRESENT

Live in the here and now, not in the yesterdays and tomorrows. It is only today that you can handle. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may not even happen.

V. SPOIL YOUR GRANDCHILDREN

Enjoy and spoil your grandchildren (if you are blessed with any) but don't be their full time baby sitter. You have no moral obligation to take care of them. Don't have any guilt feelings about refusing to baby sit anyone's kids, including your own grandkids. Your parental obligation is to your children. After you have raised them into responsible adults, your duties of child-rearing and babysitting are

finished. Let your children raise their own offsprings.

VI. ACCEPT YOUR HEALTH

Enjoy whatever your health can allow. Accept your physical weakness, sickness, limitations and other physical pains. It is a part of the aging process.

VII. RETIRE

Enjoy what you are and what you have right now. Stop working hard for what you do not have. If you do not have them, it's probably too late.

VIII. LOVE YOURSELF

Accept yourself for what and who you are. People, who truly love you, love you for yourself and not for what you have or for what you can give them. Anyone who loves you for what you have will just give you misery.

IX. FORGIVE AND FORGET

Forgive and forget all those who have wronged you. Forgive yourself and others. Forget the slights, hurts, and misfortunes of yesterday. Look towards the furture. Enjoy peace of mind and soul.

X. BEFRIEND DEATH

Don't be afraid of death. It's a natural part of the cycle of life. Death is the beginning of a new and beeter of life. SO, prepare yourself not for death but for a new life.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT

:P

Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy Demaret

Quote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)

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  • 1 month later...

Let's share short jokes here.

Not asking you people to joke about short dicks hor.... :D

2 PLUs went to a sauna.

1 left and tells the other not to pleasure himself while he is gone. The other agrees.

When the man returned he saw semen all over the walls and got upset.

The man says, "I told you not to pleasure yourself while I was gone!"

The other replied, "I didn't, I just farted. :D:D:D

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest bearbear

Ok. Now we all know the joke bout why the chicken crossed the road right?

But can anyone tell me why the duck crossed the road??????????????

Give up???? the answer is..................the duck crossed the road because it was the chicken's offday.............................hahahahaha :D

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  • 1 month later...

Seeing that the board is a little stress by all the sad stories, here something to lighten the mood.

******************************************************************

Idiot Olympic Questions:

Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic

Committee via their Web site, and the witty answers that go with them.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how

do the plants grow? (UK)

A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who

themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...

Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwinor Or Darwin to Perth - to

avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)

A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?

(Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a

year ago to get there in time for this October...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: And accomplish what?

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for

a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)

A: I'm not touching this one...

Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let

her in? (South Africa)

A: Why? We do have toilet paper here...

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest ofus...

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No. Everybody stinks.

Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)

A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and most national

parks...

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is

smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Yes. At Christmas.

Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)

A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?

(Germany)

A: Another blonde?

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake

serum. (USA)

A: I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face North and you should be about right.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria

and Australia.

Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)

A: Yes. Outdoors.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

:thumb: When I Think It, I Do It, I Win It! :thumb:

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  • 2 weeks later...
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http://www.savefile.com/files/279941 (part 1)

http://www.savefile.com/files/281722 (part 2)

The above links leads you to a downloadable fully playable Japanese game featuring types of guys from fresh-faced hunks to grizzled old bears. Uh hand-drawn of course. You'll need to download both files to get the full game.

The objective is simple - you join a turn-based puzzle game with the aim of forcing the other AI players to retire by capturing their pieces while preserving your own.

After each round, you are given the choice to jerk off the defeated player(s) using all sorts of interesting things like lotion, feather, vibrator etc.. and if you "defeat" them in this 2nd round (by making them cum) you get to unlock other AI characters to play with.

Very very fun, passing this on in case you want to blow your fireworks early. I know I have already, 5th time in the last 24hrs since i got the game - but then again, I'm a sucker for Jap manga style p--n. :P

Oh where do I get these goodies from? http://www.japanesecomicsforadults.com/index.html

Have an explosive CNY! :)

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  • 1 month later...
  • 1 month later...

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

Grandpa: "Lissin-a me, I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

Grandson: "But grandpa, I really doan-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

Grandpa: "Shuddup an lissin... Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a coupla bambinos. Maybe, somma day you gonna comma home and find you beautifula wife inna da bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "Time's up?"

Let me live my life to be an instrument of a divine nature

in how I speak, in how I love, in how I see others.

Grant me the serenity to accept all things.  Grant me to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

- May there be Love and Peace beyond all understanding -

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  • 3 weeks later...

How many bottoms does it take to screw in a light bulb?

(Scroll down for answer)

Just one. But it would take the entire cast of Grey's Anatomy to get it out! ;)

"I look upon those who would deny others the right to urge and argue their position, however irksome and pernicious they may seem, as intellectual and moral cowards."

-- William E. Borah

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 months later...
Guest artemov

Hmmm .... this is a very ingenious visual puzzle :)

But it can be solved this way (its easier if you print it out on a piece of paper):

First look at the pic (let's call it pic12) when there are 5 on the left and 7 on the right - a total of 12 persons. You will notice that each and every person is being partitioned into an upper part and a lower part by the cutting line (when the pic transformed into pic13 - 13 persons). The important thing to note is that the people are partitioned in different proportions. Some are cut at the head, some are cut at the feet. This is the crux of the puzzle.

When pic12 transforms into pic13, if you look at pic13 carefully, you will notice that guy number 1 (count from the left) has no matching upper part of his head, and guy number 6 has no matching lower part of his feet!

This means that a lower part and a upper part from pic12 (from different bodies!) has become 2 complete persons in pic13, hence the extra person in pic13!

(slightly more detailed explanation)

You might be asking, how do a lower part and a upper part becomes 2 complete persons? Where do all the extra bits to make an extra person come from? Surely they cannot come from thin air!

The wily designer solved this by changing the matching proportion by a small amount when each upper part meet its new lower part when the pics transformed. Each newly matched upper and lower part in pic13 has a small portion "extracted" from them to contibute to the extra person (each person in pic13, on the average, is shorter than each person in pic12). This distributes the deficit across all the people, making it less obvious to the viewer, thus creating a visual trick.

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When pic12 transforms into pic13, if you look at pic13 carefully, you will notice that guy number 1 (count from the left) has no matching upper part of his head, and guy number 6 has no matching lower part of his feet!

Wow! Thanks artemov for the explaination!

i did notice the no 1 and no 6 guy and thought they are the culprits. so i 'deleted' off my counts. But, the no of people still change when the pics moved. ur addtional explaination helps answer my question!

Thanks!

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Guest Guest
On 28/02/2016 at 1:36 AM, Guest Lonelyboy89 said:

I'm 30 and still no partner. No one wants go hookup with me so how can I be happy?

 

Just keep on waiting

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Joke: The Hot Shot

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.


He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ""Can I help you?""
The man said, ""Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Watching For Suicide

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? 


I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.
Apparently, just to anger him.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: How You Earned It

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."


"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."


"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: First sperm

 

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights. One day, all the other sperms asked him, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"

 

Bob replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there." The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.

 

The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys, it's a BLOW JOB!" 



 

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Doggie style

 

This beautiful girl went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn't find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said: "There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle"?

 

She said, "Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it"? The Doctor said, "Maybe, why don't you stop it and see if you improve"?

 

She said, "I can't stop, that's the only way my dog knows how to fuck". 

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Condom Young Man

 

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night.

 

We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

 

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

 

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

 

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: How Was Your Day? 


One-day tits, ass, and pussy were all having a nice day. Tits asked ass how was his day, he replied, “boring as ever. I did nothing but shit all day.”

Then ass asked tits how was their day, they replied, "oh nothing, just a little wet from here and there and always being held”.

Pussy was so quiet, so tits and ass asked pussy how was his day, and he replied, “It was terrible, some big guy busted through the door, pinned me on the wall, and spit in my face.”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A man got really drunk one night...

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home.

 

The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand.

 

So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep.

 

When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A blonde goes on a hot date an...

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat. "No!" yells the blonde.

 

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again. "For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?" The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Pretend Marriage

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I'm awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight,…… let's pretend that we're married.”

“Wow!…That's a great idea!”, he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied…. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: No more nailbiting...

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea. "I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

My Billy used to do the same things," the older woman replied, "but I broke him of that pesky habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Who Would Steal?

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!"


The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The strong young man at the construction ..


The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

 

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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