Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Three doctors

 

One day three doctors went to a convention together, on the way back, they noticed the car was slowing down. They got out and looked at the tires. The first doctor said "I think its flat." 

The second felt it and said "It feels flat." 

The third stares at it and says "It looks flat." 

All of them, without taking their eyes off the wheel, shook their heads and said in unison, "We better run some tests."

[worldangel]

Joke: Who owns the monkey?

 

A man walks into a posh restaurant and orders his meal. While he takes the first bite and is looking around, a monkey swings down and steals his plate from him before he is able to stop it. 

The man asks the waiter, "Excuse me sir, who owns the monkey?" 

The waiter replies, "It belongs to the piano player." 

The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Do you know your monkey stole my food?" 

The pianist responds, "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it." 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The immoveable dirty spot

 

My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on the floor and launching into a lecture. 

"I don’t know what you’ve brought in," she said, "but I can’t seem to get this out." 

He studied the situation for a moment and, without a word, moved a figurine on the window-sill where the sun was streaming in. The spot immediately disappeared.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I’m still ahead

 

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SAT's, and make more money than you," she pointed out. 

"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead," I said. 

She looked mystified. "How do you figure?" 

"I married better," I replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Switching roles

A husband-and-wife photography team we know shoot their pictures together, do their developing and printing together—in fact, they’re together 24 hours of the day. We wondered how they managed to keep up such good working relations. 

"Well, frankly," the wife said, "it wouldn’t work out if one of us didn’t have a good disposition." 

"Which one?" we asked. 

"Oh," she laughed, "we take turns."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Year’s day dilemma

 

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important, the football games on television or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family and even lingered for some pleasant after dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game. 

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek, and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing. 

"See?" she said, continuing to smile. "You didn't miss a thing!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No juicing for you

 

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. 

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. 

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind date

 

John: You know what man, I have a blind date later set up for this evening. 

Peter: Wow, what's her name? 

John: I dunno but she just said that it starts with 'SH'. 

Peter: Really? Maybe Sharon or Sherry. 

After the date..... 

Peter: Why the long face? How's the date? What's her name? 

John: SHREK!!!

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Imaginary friend

 

I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty nester. One night I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. 

I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger and stuffed it. Then I sat it on the couch to see how it looked. 

Later that evening my son walked in the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it’s not that bad, is it?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Smokey dinner call

 

My cooking has always been the target of family jokes. One evening, as I prepared dinner a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled with smoke and the smoke detector went off. Although both of my children had received fire-safety training at school, they did not respond to the alarm. 

Annoyed, I stormed through the house in search of them. I found them in the bathroom, washing their hands. Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, I asked them to identify the sound. 

"It’s the smoke detector," they replied in unison. 

"Do you know what that sound means?" I demanded. 

"Sure," my oldest replied. "Dinner’s ready."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: One wish each

 

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss were on their way to a lunch meeting. In the cab they found a lamp. The boss rubbed it and a genie appeared. 

"I'll grant you one wish each," the genie said. 

Grabbing the lamp from his boss, the eager senior manager shouted, "I want to be on a fast boat in the Bahamas with no worries." And poof, he was gone. 

The junior manager couldn't keep quiet. He shouted, "I want to be in Miami, with beautiful girls, and food, and cocktails." And poof, he was gone. 

Finally, it was the boss's' turn. "I want those idiots back in the office after lunch."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Changing resolutions

 

Changing Resolutions... 

2010: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds. 

2011: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds. 

2012: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 

2013: I will work out every day. 

2014: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Table manners

 

My daughter had absentmindedly left her sneakers on our kitchen table. "That’s disgusting," my husband grumbled. "Doesn’t she realize we eat off that table?" 

Then he went out back to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping. 

When I came home I couldn’t set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a car muffler.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lunar exam

 

A junior-high student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly. 

One morning at breakfast she mentioned, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon." 

Her little brother piped up, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom???"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Chunky examination

 

A 10-year-old child was having a conversation with their grandmother while eating breakfast... 

Child: "Nanna, I'm a chubby old man." 

Grandmother: "What did you say?" 

Child: "I'm a chubby old man." 

Grandmother: "Now why would you say something like that?" 

Child: "Well, everybody says I look just like my daddy." 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The 3-month job accomplishment

 

One of my job responsibilities is to input employee self-evaluations. 

There was a junior manager's self-evaluation, which said in part, "I have been on the job for three months, and I finally feel as if I've accomplished something." 

I made one mistake, however. I replaced the word 'job' with 'John'. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: When the gas men run

 

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. 

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. 

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. 

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: ‘With’ or ‘Without’ Wedding guests

 

I was invited to this indoor wedding over the weekend. When I reached the hotel venue, I found two doors. One said, 'Bride relatives' and the other said, 'Groom relatives'. 

"Hmmm, interesting," I said to myself as I entered the door marked Groom relatives. I then found two more doors. One said 'Ladies' and the other said, 'Men'. 

I started laughing out loud as I entered the ladies door and found two more doors written, 'People with gifts' and 'People without gifts'. 

I entered the people without gifts door... I found myself outside of the hotel. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Thank you UPS

 

After my wife landed a coveted job offer from UPS, we went out of town to celebrate.

While on our trip, she was contacted by the company's Human Resources department with an urgent request to complete and send back her tax forms. 

"No problem," she said. "I'll FedEx them right over."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Temperamental transportation

 

Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls... 

John: "What happened this time?" 

Jill: "My brakes went out. Can you come get me?" 

John: "Where are you?" 

Jill: "I'm in the drugstore." 

John: "And where's the car?" 

Jill: "It's in here with me." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The price of snoring

 

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. She called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering". 

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and then payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." 

"Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!" 

"Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Last thoughts

 

A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him. The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed. The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies. 

At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here." The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Parachute dilemma

 

While being transported to basic training, a new enlistee of the Air National Guard accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. 

The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and the new enlistee felt intimidated as he opened the cockpit door to confess what he had done. 

Expecting to be severely chastised, he was surprised by the captain's calm response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is yours." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A modern man

 

A motivational speaker, while addressing his audience, talked about the various achievements man has made today. 

He said, "Today, man has built a ship to cross an ocean, fastest trains to travel across cities, and built planes to fly high in the skies like a bird..." 

A gentleman from the audience interrupted, "Any yet, a man still cannot sit on a barbed wire like a bird does!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The bullfrog dilemma

 

A big bullfrog is in the middle of the swamp crying out his lament about being stuck so far from all the action. 

Out of nowhere this fairy godmother appears and tells him he will have an encounter with a beautiful young woman in three years. The bullfrog asks this fairy godmother why it will take so long. 

"The woman is only in eighth grade now, and will not be dissecting frogs in Biology until her Junior year."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One will do

 

A kid asked his mother, “Mom, can you buy me those two toys that we had seen at the store the other day?” 

His mother replied, “I will buy you one of them. One is enough to keep you busy at playtime.” 

Later that day, the kid started doing his homework. The mother said, “Remember that you have two activities as homework today.” 

The kid replied, “I will do one of them. One is enough to keep me busy at study time.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fly in the soup

 

A customer walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of soup. The waiter brings it out and there's a fly in the bowl. 

"Waiter, this soup has a fly in it," the customer says. "Please bring me another." 

The waiter walks into the kitchen and tells the chef, "Another fly for the customer."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Grammatically correct animal

 

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience." 

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word "mongooses." Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience." 

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no fully stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: True calling

 

Teacher: Class when you grow up what do you want to be and why? 

Student 1: I want to be a doctor, to help those who are in need. 

Student 2: I want to be a lawyer, to also help those who are in need. 

Student 3: When I grow up, I'll probably be the one in need...

[worldangel]

Joke: Advice from mother

 

A daughter asks her mother, “What are character qualities that I should look for in a marriage partner? You know, for someone that I will be spending eternity with." 

The mother replied, ”Go ask your father, he did better than I did.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandfather clock

 

"Well, what seems to be the problem?" asked the clock repair man. 

"It's my grandfather clock. It used to go tic toc, tic toc, tic toc. Now, it just goes tic, tic, tic, tic, tic," replied the young lady. 

"Hmmm, I think I can fix this," he says. He opens the door on the clock, looks at it, and then says to the lady, "Don't worry, we have ways of making it toc!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The husband who knows

 

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." 

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" 

Tom, smiling but looking a little nervous, leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising flour, right?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Don’t you go there

 

Grandma left the stove on and the pan was burnt. I asked her if she had a timer she can use, as to not forget in the future 

"NO! Don't you dare go there! I don't have that," she said, shaking her fist at me. 

"No, no, Grandma, I said 'A timer'!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Books and Candy

 

Two elderly women had been friends for over forty years. Each one was losing their hearing. Minnie asked, "Are you going to be home today?" 

"Yes, as far as I know," replied her friend, Adie. 

"Good I have a gift for you." 

"Esther Price?" Adie asked. 

Knowing Minnie loved Esther Price candy, she assumed the gift was candy. As the day wore on, Minnie finally arrived with a book on Smoothies. Adie was confused. "I didn't know Esther Price sold books?" 

"They don't." 

"But this morning you said they did." 

"Oh, I thought you said, 'That's nice.'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Super Unknown

 

We took the kids to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned, I found my 10-year-old granddaughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. 

She looked puzzled. "She doesn't know who Superman is?" I asked my wife. 

"Worse," my wife replied. "She doesn't know what a phone booth is."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Stork family

 

The Stork family sits down to dinner. The momma stork asks the daddy stork, "So how was your day dear?" 

"Well", he replied, "I flew North and South all day, making people happy. And how was your day?" 

She answers, "Pretty much the same. I flew East and West making families happy." 

They both turn to junior Stork, "And how was your day?", they asked. 

Junior Stork tells them, "I had a blast! I flew all over, scaring the heck out of college students!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You started it, Teacher

 

Teacher: "Class, in this final exam, everybody should get at least 75% marks." 

Student: "We are all trying for 100% sir!" 

Teacher: "Are you being serious?" 

Student: "Well, no sir. But it was you who cracked a joke first."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That’s a heavy shirt

 

Two brothers were fast asleep when the eldest heard a thud sound 

Eldest: What's that sound? 

Youngest: Oh, it's just my t-shirt falling off my bed. 

Eldest: T-shirt? Why was it so loud? 

Youngest: Because I was still in it.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too many lies

 

One day a man dies and goes to heaven. There, he sees St. Peter at the entrance. 

Before he went in, Peter stopped him and said, "Sorry, but you have told too many lies to be allowed here." 

The man looked at him sadly and said, "Have a heart, you were once a fisherman yourself."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What do you call leftovers?

 

A football fan's wife says, "I hate it when my husband calls leftovers 'Replays'." 

A TV Executive's wife says, "Well my husband calls them 'Reruns'." 

Mortician's wife says, "Count yourselves lucky, my husband calls them remains!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Trading caps

 

I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. 

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. 

"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits... and this one's even better because it locks!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I almost screamed when …….

 

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for three minutes," replied the pilot. 

"That is too much," said the farmer. 

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I will make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for three minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. However, if you make a sound, you will have to pay $10." 

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." 

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "but I have to tell you, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fisherman’s tale

 

One fisherman to another, "You should've seen what happened yesterday at the lake." 

"What happened?" 

"I caught a twenty-three pound salmon!" 

"Were there any witnesses?" 

"Yes, of course! If there wasn't, it would've been thirty-three pounds."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Investment advice

 

If you had purchased $1,000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would be worth $49.00. 
With Enron, you would have less than $11.00 of the original $1,000. 
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00. 

But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00 

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I want an itemized list

 

A well-known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000. 

The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things: 

One screw..................................... $ 1 
Knowing how to put it in............. $4999 
Total = $5000 

The businessman never argued. 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Graduation speech

 

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. 

"I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life," he told the audience. "She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice." 

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, "Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting."

[worldangel]

Joke: Keys are not the only thing lost

 

I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband’s keys. 

We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall. 

"Don’t bother—that was my bed," she said. "He wouldn’t have gone anywhere near it."

[worldangel]

 Joke: No labour required

 

When my friend got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum cleaner. 

The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. “It comes equipped with all the newest features,” he assured them. 

The husband was not convinced. “Don’t you have a riding one?” he asked.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rounding up for a better start

 

My sister decided to go on a diet, and that first evening she phoned me. I could tell her mouth was full, so I asked her what she was eating. 

“A cupcake,” she mumbled. “I just got on the scale, and it read 149 1/2 pounds. I decided that was no place to start a diet, so I’m rounding it off to 150.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Love letters from grandpa, literally

 

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20's, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was." 

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked. 

"Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."