Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Oh No, Not You

 

The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for 
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” 

My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …” 

The photographer interrupted me, “I meant him.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Car for sale

 

A woman offers a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. 

A man answers the ad, but he's slightly disbelieving. "What's the catch?" he inquires.

"No catch," the woman answers. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: When Grace is needed

 

Little Mikey and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Mikey received his plate, he started eating right away. 

"Mikey! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother. 

"I don't need to," the boy replied. 

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted through gritted teeth. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." 

"That's at our house," Mikey explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Colourful grandma

 

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. 

At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Like father, like son

 

Son: "Dad, aren't you getting ready to office today?" 

Dad: "I am working from home today. Get ready soon otherwise you will be late to school." 

Son: "Dad, I am not going to school today." 

Dad: "Why?" 

Son: "I am studying from home today."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What a husband remembers

 

Wife: "You remember when you bought me this blue dress?" 

Husband: "I don't remember." 

Wife: "It was on my birthday! And this red gown?" 

Husband: "On your birthday?" 

Wife: "No... on our anniversary! Don't you remember?" 

Husband: "Honey, I'm not good at remembering colors or dresses. I better at remembering prices, those I remember very well!"

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The black and white cows

 

Reporter: Sir, may we interview you regarding your black and white cows! 
Farmer: Sure! Go ahead! 
Reporter: What do they usually eat? 
Farmer: Which one? The white or the black one? 
Reporter: The white one. 
Farmer: Grass! 
Reporter: How about the black? 
Farmer: Grass also! 

Reporter: (wondering) And where do you bathe them? 
Farmer: The white one or the black one? 
Reporter: The black one! (upset) 
Farmer: The river. 
Reporter: And the white? 
Farmer: The river too. 

Reporter (angry): Why do you always ask for the color when you came up with the same answer?! 
Farmer: Sorry, but you know why? The white cow is mine. 
Reporter: And what about the black one? 
Farmer: Mine too!

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Valentine flowers

 

When she got flowers from her husband on Valentine's Day, my daughter quickly opened the card. All it said was, "No." 

What did that mean? She called her husband and asked him. 

"I didn't attach any message. The florist asked if I had a message and I said, 'No'."

[worldangel]

Joke: Improvising Valentine’s day

 

My friend and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. He had the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone, he discovered she was expecting one. 

Not having time to buy a card on his way home, he was stuck. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office and got an idea. 

Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: “I lawn for you mower and mower each day.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: It was mom

 

A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. 

Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. 

The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom." 

"How do you know?" 

"She didn't say anything."

[Asian69]

On 19.4.2017 at 6:41 PM, worldangel said:

Joke: Car for sale

 

A woman offers a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. 

A man answers the ad, but he's slightly disbelieving. "What's the catch?" he inquires.

"No catch," the woman answers. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."

 

haha, funny!

[worldangel]

 Joke: On the floor twice a day

 

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor checks him out thoroughly doing various tests. He then goes back to his table and sits down. "I'm prescribing these pills for you," he says. 

Noting the weird name of the prescription, the man asks, "What am I taking now?" 

"Oh, I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Appreciation problems

 

Store owner: "Thank you for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you." 

Customer: "Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised. You know that I argue every bill and always pay late." 

Store owner: "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred customers like you." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: When I arrived here

 

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?" 

"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed." 

"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?" 

"I was born here."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Which one of us is wrong?

 

An elderly couple were sitting outdoors at a cafe when they noticed an old man who seemed to be having trouble crossing the street with an ungainly shuffle. The man said to his wife, "He surely has bad arthritis to walk like that." 

His wife replied, "No, that's definitely old time rheumatism." 

They couldn't agree so the man decided to ask the old man. He walked over to him and said, "Excuse me, sir, but my wife and I saw you having difficulty crossing the street and I told her that you have arthritis but she insisted that you have rheumatism. Which one of us was wrong?" 

The old man said, "The three of us were wrong." 

"Three of us were wrong? How so?" asked the man. 

To which the old man replied, "You were wrong when you said I had arthritis, your wife was wrong when she said I had rheumatism, and I was wrong when I thought I just had to pass gas."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Dentist

Man goes to see dentist and asks "How much to pull two wisdom teeth?"

Dentist says "$100.00."

Man says, "too much. Can't you do it for less?"

Dentist says "I can do it for $50 if I cut out the novacaine."

Man says, "that's better but still too much. Can't we do it any cheaper?"

Dentist says, "I could let my trainee do it for $20 but she has never pulled a tooth before and it would be quite painful."

Man says, "That's great. Schedule my wife for next Tuesday."


 

[worldangel]

Joke: LIE DETECTOR ROBOT

Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie.

 

He decides to test it at dinner. ”Son, where were you today?”

 

The son says “at school dad.” Robot slaps the son! “OK, I watched a DVD at my friend’s house!” “What DVD?” “Toy story.”

 

Robot slaps the son again! “OK, it was a %&%*o

 

”Dad yells “What! When I was your age I didn't know what %&%* was!” Robot then slaps the dad! Mom laughs “HAHAHA! He's certainly YOUR son.”

 

Robot then slaps the mom….

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A little boy returned from the...

A little boy returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, the little boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table. 

"What are you doing?" asked his mom. 
"The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken," said the little boy. "I'm looking for the seal." 

[worldangel]

Joke: 21, 21, 21

There's a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying,"21, 21, 21..."
Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says, "What are you doing?"

The brunette replies, "Just counting."

The blonde says, "May I join you?"

"Yes," replies the brunette.

So the blonde and the brunette are now both walking down the railroad tracks saying," 21, 21, 21..."

A train comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit.

After the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says,"22, 22, 22..."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A police officer pulls over this guy ...

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man goes into a pet shop and...

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." 
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. 
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." 

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Can we....

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident.  The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. 

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? 

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves. 

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. 

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’ 

‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’ 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple. 

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?

[worldangel]

Joke: The boss of a big company need...

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Returning home from work, a blonde ...

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. 

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A prudish lady

Josh goes to a drugstore owned by Mary, a prudish woman. He says to Mary, "Can I have two dozen condoms, miss?"

May says arrogantly, "Don't miss me, mister."
Josh replies sarcastically, "Well then, you better make it 25."

[worldangel]

 Joke: First time

A guy was walking down the street when a hooker approached him and said, "Say, wanna have a good time?"
"Sure," he answered her, and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

She says, "Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?"

The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A pregnant woman gets into a car...

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. 

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. 

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." 

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" 

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" 

"Denise," the doctor says. 

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" 

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" 

The doctor replies, DeNephew. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A couple is sitting on the porch...

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you." 

The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?" 

The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine." 

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The habit...

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've" been doing."

[worldangel]

Joke: Barfing

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I won’t drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when drunken ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

George’s wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde, worried about the HIV...

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.

"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

"Tax," replies the clerk.

"Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Sexual Restraint

My friend, he’s a 30-year-old virgin, does not masturbate.

 

He seems to feel morally superior because of his sexual restraint.

 

But he told me that he still gets wet dreams, which makes me think that he’s just a lazy dude.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A prisoner in jail receives a ...

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" 

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." 

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." 

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Oysters

A woman went to see a Doctor, complaining of an upset stomach.
The Doctor asked "What did you have for dinner last night?"
"Oysters," she replied.

"Were the oysters fresh?" asked the doctor.
"How should I know?" said the lady.

"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"
"Oh my goodnes," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An act of kindness....

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Country Party

A city guy buys a ranch. He sits on the porch of his new house taking in the fresh country air when a dusty truck pulls up.

"Howdy, neighbor!" calls the man in the truck. " I came to invite you to a little Welcome to the Neighborhood party at my place tonight. "

"Well, that's mighty fine of you," the city guy replies.
"It's going to be great," the neighbor adds. "There's gonna be eatin', drinkin', fightin', and f**kin'!"
"Sounds great," the city guy replies. "What should I wear?"

"Aww, it don't matter," the neighbor says. "It's just gonna be you and me!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A sister and brother are talking ...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." 
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The guy says, before we go any...

The guy says, before we go any further, I should warn you that I'm hung like a baby.

His new husband looked a bit disappointed, but then said well thats ok, now I have something to tell you. This isn't really my penis, I use a little padding. He takes his clothes off and sure enough he is as small as a pea pod.

The guy then takes his pants off and this huge penis flops out. He stares in disbelief and says, I thought you said you were hung like a baby.

He says Yea, I am 16 inches, 7 1/2 pounds.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cover them too

Upon receiving several complaints of spellings, grammar and such other mistakes from readers in one newspaper, the editor put the following article in his editor's note: “We are the only newspaper which is aware that other than subjects like politics, sports, celebrity gossip, business news etc, some people are particularly fond of finding faults (like puzzles) in news prints. We try and cover them too”.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Check Up

So I went to the doctor last week for a check up, and the doctor was like "you have GOT to stop masturbating!" and I was like "oh no Doc! Why?!?"

And he said "because I'm trying to examine you!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: One day an engineer dies. He was...

One day an engineer dies. He was kind that built lots of things, like air conditioners. When he went to heaven he met the Heaven. The Heaven says "Go to hell, you're not on my list." 

So after going 30,255,391 stairs to hell, he lets the devil know who he is and so the devil says "Hey, come on in!"

In hell the engineer built airplanes, buildings, cars, etc. God sees this and says "Hey devil, you know that engineer guy. He needs to come back to heaven."
The devil says "Are you crazy, I'm not gonna let you have him." To which God says "If you don’t let me have him, I'll sue."

Devil says "You can't sue! You don’t even have lawyers up there!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Reminiscing the past

A woman wakes up during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she asks: "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee and says: "Do you remember 20 years ago, when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife: lowering herself into a chair beside him.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said: "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says: "I would have gotten out today."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: It seems a farm boy accidentally...

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Won!

A blonde walked in a diner and orders a cup of coffee. When she gets her drink, she notices that it has a "contest game piece" on the side of the cup. She peels off the sticker and instantly starts screaming, "I won a motor home!"

 

She continues shoulting, "I won a motor home!" until the waitress decides to get her boss.

"What's the problem here?" the manager asks.

"I won a motor home!" she shouts again.

"That's impossible!" he replies. "We didn't give out motor homes."

She says "Well, it says so on this sticker."

The boss takes the sticker and reads it. It says: "Win a bagel."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Businessman on his deathbed...

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Old Man and the Sea 

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling their adventures on the seas. 

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" 
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." 

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?" 
"Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off." 
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?" 

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. 
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked. 
"Well," said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook." 

[worldangel]

Joke: The biology teacher...

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." 

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced. 

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin 
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan. 
"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy, are you going to be disappointed someday!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Loan to hog

An ambitious hog goes to a bank to ask for a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patrice Vack.
"Hi, I would like to apply for a loan", said the hog.

Patrice Vack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something that can stand against your loan?"

The hog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn."
"I am not sure," said Patrice Vack, "I'll need to check with the manager about this."
Patrice Vack goes to see the bank manager.

The bank manager, who addresses Patrice by her nickname Patty, says: "Knick Knack, Patty Vack. Give the hog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone" (Pun from the lyrics of THE OLD MAN song)
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A little boy asked his teacher...

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand. 'The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'

He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'

So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'
And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Send the Wine Back

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:

"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."