Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Lottery Winner Charity Donation

I won a million dollars on the lottery today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

 

Now I have $999,999.75.

[worldangel]

Joke: My Dad Scribbles

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pretty normal

A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said.

"The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling."

The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."

"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior Citizen

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked
"What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assh*les."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

[worldangel]

Joke: Speaking to her two daughters….

Speaking to her two daughters, a mother said, "When we get home you need to clean your bedrooms. Your grandmother is coming to visit us tonight and I want the whole house to look tidy."

The younger daughter answered, "We will, Mommy. But isn't that kind of like, lying?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Under the Motel Bed

Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.

Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.

It was a card. On it was written, "Yes, we do clean under here, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Your chances are better...

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

[worldangel]

Joke: Absolute Rest

"Madam, your husband must have absolute rest."

"Well, Doctor, he won't listen to me."

"A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning."

[worldangel]

Joke: Patient's Request

A physician had just finished up a colonoscopy.

Before the patient leaves, he asks the physician, "Could you write a note for my wife, saying that my head isn't really up there?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sales Help

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl. "But I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Why yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some lingerie."

[worldangel]

Joke: Chairman of the Board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

[worldangel]

Joke: Double negative

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad Advice

I went to the doctors recently. He said, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What, like bacon and burgers?"

He said, "No, I mean you, Fatty, don't eat anything!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Jailed Drunk

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

 

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

 

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Airline Check-in

I think the girl at the airline check-in just threatened me.

 

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”

 

I laughed and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Flying Lessons

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”

 

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Abacus

 

My wife wants me to be more sensitive so I got her abacus beads for her birthday.

 

She said, “What the hell are these?”

 

I said, “It’s the little things that count.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Sail Purchase

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day.

 

Today it dawned on me that it’s not the right size so I called to cancel.

 

They said it’s too late.

That sail has shipped.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bubblewrap

“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss.

 

“Just pop it in the corner,” he said.

 

It took me three hours.

[worldangel]

Joke: KitKat

 

A man walks into a store and says, “Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?”

 

The lady behind the till gets a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

 

“No,” says the man, “I wanted a normal KitKat, fatso.

[worldangel]

Joke: New Scale

A guy says to his wife, “Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!”

 

His wife replies, “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

 

The guy says, “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way…”

[worldangel]

Joke: eBay

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

 

I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

[worldangel]

Joke: Not Happy

This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

 

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

 

He said, “I’m not happy.”

 

I said, “Well, which one are you then?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Kidding

A wife says to her husband, “How would you describe me?”

Her husband replies “ABCDEFGHIJK.”

 

The wife asks “What does that mean?”

The husband says “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”

 

The wife is pleased, “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”

The husband says “I’m just kidding!”

[worldangel]

Joke: High Stakes

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

 

Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for.

 

The barman replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to have a go?”

 

The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”

[worldangel]

Joke: At the theatre

 

A woman who was rather on the large side turned up at the theatre just before the performance was due to start.

 

She handed the usher two tickets.

The usher asked, “Where’s the other party?”

 

The woman blushed. “Well, you see one seat’s a bit small for me and rather uncomfortable so I bought two. But they’re both really for me.”

 

“That’s fine with me, Ma’am,” the usher replied, scratching his head.

“There’s just one problem. Your seats are numbers 47 and 65.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog

 

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

 

She went mad, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Long day?

 

A visibly tired and stressed guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

 

The bartender asks, “Long day?”

 

“No, all days are 24 hours long,” the guy replies, amazed at the bartender’s lack of education.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A man walks into a bar ….

 

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?"

The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So, he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot."

 

The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts.

The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair."

 

The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me.

 

Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old timers ….

 

Three old timers at the retirement home were complaining about growing old.

The first one says, "I wake up at 7:00 AM and try for a half hour to take a poop."

 

The second one says, "Oh yeah? I spend an hour trying to pee." The third one says, "I take a nice poop at 7:00 AM and about 7:30 AM take a nice pee."

 

The other two guys look at him and ask, "What are you complaining about?"

The third man explains, "I don't wake up till 8:30 AM."

[worldangel]

Joke: The carpet layer

 

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

 

He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

 

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself.

He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my sweet little hamster."

[worldangel]

Joke: Strip club

 

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator.

 

He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks."

 

The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed.

 

"Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman.

 

"I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

[worldangel]

Joke: Psychiatrist

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

 

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

 

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

 

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

[worldangel]

Joke: Social Security

 

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.

 

Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.

 

She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two judges

 

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers.

 

"Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk." "You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate.

 

"And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first.

Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20."

 

"Hey," protested the first, "When I was in was in chair, I only fined you $10!"

"Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three ladies

 

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

 

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."

 

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

 

The third one responded, " Well ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At a bar

 

A guy at a bar says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 I can pee in that cup all the way over there at the end of the bar."

 

The bartender agrees, so the guy whips it out and he pees all over the bar. Having just won $1,000, the bartender starts smiling.

 

The guy goes over to a table where his friends are seating and collects a bunch of money from them. He walks back to the bar, gives the bartender his $1,000, and then starts laughing.

 

The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."

The guy says, "Before I bet you, I bet all of my friends over there $2,000 dollars that I could pee all over your bar and you would be happy about it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Vodka

 

It is 2:00 am. There is a half dozen empty vodka bottles lying on the dimly-lit street. Two men standing in the middle of street have been arguing that the other man is more drunk.

 

Finally, one man said to the other, “If you are not drunk, then climb up this column," pointing to the vertical beam of light that the flashlight in this right hand makes.

 

Thinking a bit, the other man stuttered, “I am not that stupid. If I climb up to the top and you turn off the light, I will surely fall to my death!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Lumberjack

A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a tree.

 

Upon arrival at the tree, he started swinging at the tree. “But, I’m a talking tree,” said the tree.

 

“And you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

[worldangel]

Joke: Singing Ensemble

“How much to buy a singing ensemble?”

 

You mean a choir?

 

“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Massive Change

My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.

 

It’s going to be a massive change for me.

 

I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years.

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor’s Appointment

I tried getting a doctor’s appointment today.

 

They said to me, “How about 10 tomorrow?”

 

I said, “Just one is enough.

[worldangel]

Joke: Ice Cream Truck

A woman is chasing down an ice cream truck…

 

The ice cream man stops and says, “What can I get for you, Ma’am?”

 

She says, “Nothing, I just wanted to tell you I’m vegan.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Fun Childhood

I had a fun childhood.

 

My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires.

 

They were Goodyears.

[worldangel]

Joke: Taxi Music

I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”

 

I said, “Not at all.”

 

He said, “Kiss?”

 

I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Not Talking

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer.

The bartender says, “What’s wrong, pal? You look down.”

 

The guy sighs and says, “I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn’t talk to me for a whole month.”

 

The bartender says, “Gee, that’s too bad. When does that start?”

 

“Start? Today’s the last day.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Online Meetings

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing.

 

Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online.

I’d still make jokes, but no one would laugh.

 

Not one.

At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted.

It turns out, they didn’t find me remotely funny.

[worldangel]

Joke: On The Router

My wifi password is “writtenontherouter”…

 

I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it’s literally “writtenontherouter”.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Cows

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The black one or the brown one?

 

Interviewer: The brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

 

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

 

Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

 

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

 

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

 

Interviewer (now annoyed): Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

 

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It’s also mine.

[worldangel]

Joke: Backpacker

 

A backpacker finds a tiny village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny pub.

He walks into the pub and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence.

 

So, the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat.

Suddenly one of the men shouts, “Number 4!” and the whole room erupts with laughter.

The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter dies down and he goes back to sipping his pint.

 

Then another one of them shouts, “Number 21!” and once again everybody has a good laugh.

 

The backpacker turns to someone and asks what’s going on.

“Ah you see we’re a bit isolated out here”, the man says. “We all know each other’s jokes so well we decided to give them all a number to save time when we want to tell them.”

 

The backpacker gets a mischievous look on his face. He stands up and shouts, “Number 1001!”

It was like an earthquake had hit. The whole room reverberated with the men’s voices, some of them slapping their thighs and almost falling off their chairs.

 

As the laughter died down some of them were pressing their hands to their chests, just to make sure they weren’t having a heart attack.

 

The backpacker turns to the man next to him and says, “So is that one of the good ones?”

 

The man says, “Oh no, it’s just that we’d never heard that one before.”