Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A Difficult Choice

My friend said to me, “If you had to choose, what would you prefer – big breasts or a pert, peachy ass?”

 

I said, “It’d have to be the pert, peachy ass. I’d look ridiculous with big breasts.”

[worldangel]

Joke: It Could Have Been Worse

This old guy goes to the doctor to get the results of his tests.

 

The doctor says, “I’m really sorry to have to tell you this but you’ve got terminal cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

 

The old man says, “That’s not so bad. I could have had cancer!”

[worldangel]

Joke: If All Goes Well

As I laid on the hospital trolley awaiting my surgery, I asked the doctor, “How long will I be in hospital?”

 

He said, “If all goes well, about a week. If not, about 45 minutes.”

[worldangel]

Joke: I Didn’t Mean Do That

This girl had been out for the evening and met this guy who she brought back to her house, where they were kissing and cuddling downstairs.

 

Because her parents were asleep in bed upstairs, she told the guy they had to be quiet and when he told her that he was desperate to use the toilet, she didn’t want to send him upstairs and run the risk of him waking her parents up. So she told him he should just use the kitchen sink instead.

 

A few minutes later he popped his head around the door.

She whispered as quietly as she could to him, “Have you finished?”

 

“Yeah,” he whispered back, “Have you got any toilet paper?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Out On The Balcony

 A couple are feeling horny and fancy a quickie but their son is in the house.

 

However, they can’t resist their natural urges, so they tell him to go out on to the balcony and look around and tell them what’s going on in the neighbourhood while they do their thing.

 

So, the son goes out on to the balcony and begins reporting back what he sees.

 

“It looks like the Baileys have got a new dog.” he says

“Oh! And it seems that the Jones are moving out.” he says

 

Then suddenly he shouts out, “Would you look at that. Looks like the Andersons are having sex.”

 

The couple stop dead in their love-making, and the fathers asks the son, “How do you know the Andersons are making love?”

 

The son answers, “Because their kid is out on the balcony too.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Cardiologist’s Funeral

This world-renowned cardiologist sadly died. He was so famous he was given an extremely elaborate funeral that was attended by his fellow physicians, family members, friends and members of the public who he’d treated over the years.

 

During the service, there was a huge heart made out of flowers that stood behind the casket. At the end of the service, the heart opened and the casket slowly rolled inside. When the casket had disappeared, the heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside forever.

 

Everyone was very emotional and crying at this beautiful moment, except for one mourner who burst into laughter. Everyone turned to stare angrily at him.

 

He said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking about my own funeral – I’m a gynaecologist.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Breakfast Time

This guy arrives home at seven o’clock in the morning, stinking of whiskey, to find his angry wife waiting for him.

 

She shouts at him, “You’d better have a darn good reason for coming home at this time in the morning.”

 

“Of course I do,” replies the guy.

“Well then, what is it?” asks his wife.

“Breakfast!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Not The End Of The World

 

I was helping my son with his homework and he asked me what Armageddon was. He got upset when I told him I didn’t know.

 

I thought to myself, “Come on, it’s not the end of the world, is it?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Drinking With Me

I was having sex with my friend’s wife the other evening when her phone rang. I freaked out and hurriedly started getting dressed because I could hear it was her husband.

 

She hung up and told me not to panic – he told her he was going to be late home because he was out drinking with me.

[worldangel]

Joke: De-Icing The Car

This morning I got up out of bed and then looked out of my window to see what the weather was like.

 

I saw a guy in a black hooded robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe, so I thought I’d do the neighbourly thing and go out and help him.

 

I was just about to walk out of the door when my wife grabbed me and shouted, “Stop! You’re de-icing with death.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Strangely Named Student

A student visits the principal’s office one day.

The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?”

 

The student replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

 

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Stopped For Speeding

A guy got pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop said, “Do you know how fast you were going, Sir?”

 

The guy replied, “I was just trying to keep up with the traffic.”

The cop said, “There is no traffic, Sir.”

 

The guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Get Me Into Trouble

An eight-year-old boy swaggers into a bar, sits on a bar stool and says to the waitress, “I’ll have a large double brandy and a cigar.”

 

The waitress soon realizes the boy’s age and asks, “Do you want to get me into trouble?”

 

The boy replies, “Maybe later. For now, I’ll just stick with the cigar and the brandy.”

[worldangel]

Joke: You Are Adopted

My dad said to me, “Son, I want you to know you were adopted.”

 

I said, “You’ve got to be kidding me! Is that really true?”

 

He said, “Yes, get your things together. They’re picking you up in about an hour.”

[worldangel]

Joke: How To Satisfy The Wife

I went to the doctor and told him that I’m having trouble ‘satisfying’ the wife.

He told me I should do what he does.

 

I asked, “What’s that, then?”

He said, “Earn 100k a year.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Mark My Words

I’ve been sleeping with this other guy’s wife and he found out and sent me a text the other day. It said, “You go near my wife again and ill kill you. Mark my words!”

 

I replied, “8 out of 10. I’ll needs an apostrophe and a capital ‘I'”.

[worldangel]

Joke: What Kind Of Fly?

 One day a fly is buzzing around a wolf hound and decides to ask him, “What kind of dog are you?”

The dog replies, “I’m a wolf hound.”

 

The fly says, “A wolf hound? That’s an odd name. Why do they call you that?”

The dog says, “Well it’s quite simple really. My mother was a hound and my dad was a wolf.”

 

The fly replies, “Oh, I see…”

Then the dog asks the fly, “So, what kind of fly are you?”

 

The fly says, “I’m a horse-fly.”

The dog says, “NOOO WAAAAYYYYY!!!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Scare The Driver

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed in fright, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over.

 

The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said “I’m sorry I really didn’t mean to frighten you. I just wanted to ask you something.”

 

The taxi driver said “It’s ok, it’s not your fault, Sir. You see this is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years”.

[worldangel]

Joke: Second Opinion

I went to the doctors today and he told me I was overweight.

 

I said, “I want a second opinion.”

 

He said, “Ok, you’re ugly too.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Bit Inappropriate

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish.

 

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice

[worldangel]

Joke: Have You Ever Noticed?

Men at 25 play football.

Men at 40 play tennis.

 

Men at 60 play golf.

Have you noticed how as you get older your balls get smaller?

[worldangel]

Joke: Bank Robber

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun and points it at the teller.

“Give me all your money or you’re geography.” he says.

 

The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”

The robber says, “Don’t change the subject.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Snail Attack

A turtle was walking down the street when he was attacked by a gang of snails.

 

When asked by the police what happened he said, “I don’t know, it all happened so quickly.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Not My Dog

Bob walks into a bar and sits next to a man who has a dog next to him.

He says to the man, “Has your dog ever bitten anyone?”

 

The man replies, “No” but then the dog jumps up and bites Bob on the arm.

“I thought you said your dog’s never bitten anyone!” shouts Bob.

 

The man says, “I know. That’s not my dog.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Tennis Ball

I’ve just got back from my friend’s funeral.

 

He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

 

It was a lovely service.

[worldangel]

Joke: Epileptic Goldfish

A blonde woman goes to the vet with her goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy,” she tells the vet.

 

The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”

 

The blonde says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”

[worldangel]

Joke: An Inconsiderate Neighbour

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 AM this morning and asked “Do you know what time it is?”

 

Can you believe that, 2:30 AM?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

[worldangel]

Joke: What Was I Thinking Of

I was in an English exam and they asked “Write the past tense of ‘Think'”.

 

I thought and thought about this for ages.

 

Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’.

[worldangel]

Joke: Space Invader

One of my mates told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

 

Which was an incredibly unnecessary and hurtful thing to say.

It ruined our bath.

[worldangel]

Joke: Where Has The Time Gone?

I was at a party the other day when I lost my watch.

A bit later I saw a guy standing on it while sexually harassing a girl.

 

I walked up to the guy and punched him in the face.

No one does that to a girl.. not on my watch.

[worldangel]

Joke: He Needs To Relax

A guy goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First, I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”

 

The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Should Be Enough

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

 

My neighbour said, “Are you going to help?”

 

I said, “No, six should be enough.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Goggle Box

My sister turned off the TV on me whilst I was watching it today.

 

After a few moments of staring at the blank screen, I thought to myself, “That’s not on”.

[worldangel]

Joke: Advice From Dad

“Always be yourself”, my Dad always said to me.

 

He was a great guy.

 

Rubbish actor though…

[worldangel]

Joke: Organic Vegetables

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market.

I went and looked around and couldn’t find any.

 

So, I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

 

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Father And Son

 

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

 

Got him a Fosters ….. he didn’t like it – I had it.

Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn’t like it so I had it.

 

It was the same with Guinness and Cider.

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the pram home.

[worldangel]

Joke: Dogged Pursuit

There was a knock at my door earlier. When I opened the door a policeman was stood there…

“Mr Jones?”, he asked.

 

“Yes,” I replied.

“I’m afraid your dog’s just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”

 

I said, “I don’t think so – my dog doesn’t have a bike.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Carefree Friend

My friend has always been the kind of guy that gets stressed over everything.

 

Lately though he doesn’t have a care in the world so I asked him, “Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?”

 

“I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “It only costs me a thousand dollars a week.”

 

“A thousand dollars a week? How on earth are you going to afford that?” I asked.

“I don’t know. That’s his problem…”

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandpa Walkabout

 

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

 

Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

[worldangel]

Joke: Homeless Woman

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

 

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

[worldangel]

Joke: Taxi Home

I got a taxi home last night and when it pulled up the driver said “That’ll be six dollars, please.”

 

I said “I’ve only got 5, can you reverse a bit?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Important Gift

I have an EpiPen.

 

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

 

It seemed really important to him that I have 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wicker Chairs

 

Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship.

 

The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”

 

The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Fish Walks Into A Bar

A fish walks into a bar.

 

The bartender says, “What do you want?”

 

The fish croaks, “Water.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Pinch Of Salt

My dad always said to me, “Take it with a pinch of salt.”

 

Nice man.

 

Made horrible tea.

[worldangel]

Joke: Man Of Mystery

I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, “On your CV, it says that you’re a man of mystery.”

 

I said, “That’s correct.”

He said, “Would you like to elaborate?”

 

I said, “No.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Beer For Brain

A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”

 

The barman looks at him and says “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”

 

“Why not?” asks the brain.

 

“You’re already out of your head.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Going To California

These two blondes were going to California for the summer.

 

They’re about two hours into the flight when the pilot comes on the intercom and says, “We’ve just lost an engine but it’s all right, we have three more so nothing to worry about. It will take us about an hour longer to get there, that’s all.”

 

A half hour later the pilot comes on the intercom again and says, “We’ve just lost another engine but it’s all right, we still have two more so nothing to worry about. It will just take us an extra half hour to get there.”

 

One of the blondes turns to the other and says “If we lose the two last engines we’ll be up here all day.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy Birthday

 It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

“I can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”

 

“Where are you?” she asked.

She wasn’t happy when I said, “The seventh tee.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Swimming Competition

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition.

 

The brunette came in first and the redhead second.

The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.

 

After being revived with blankets and a drink she said, “I don’t want to complain, but I’m pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.”