Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Hunters Make Better Lovers

Why do hunters make better lovers?

1. They always go deep into the bush.

2. They always shoot twice.

3. They always eat what they kill.

[worldangel]

Joke: Abnormal Psychology

 

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fetch A Nice Price

 

I took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow and was told, "This is extremely rare. Do you know what it would fetch in good condition?"

"Dunno," I said. "A stick?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Takers Keepers

 

Little Johnny's mother was baking cookies one day. As she began to put a new batch in the oven, she suddenly noticed Johnny staring at the already baked cookies lying on the table.

"Johnny," she said. "Are you trying to take a cookie?"

"No," Johnny replied. "I'm trying not to."

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm In Trouble

 

My wife was shopping and sent me a picture of her in a dress she was thinking of buying and asked me, “Does this dress make me look big?”

I answered back, "Noooo..."

Autocorrect changed my answer, to “Moooo...”

Please send help!

[worldangel]

Joke: Free Meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Every Time I Breathe

A Lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

“Really,” he says. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

[worldangel]

Being A Grandfather

A loving couple had their first grandchild and was visibly excited. So the wife asks her husband, "Honey, how does it feel being a grandfather?"

"Oh, that part’s okay," he said, "but I'm not so sure about going to bed with a grandmother."

[worldangel]

Joke: What Sort of Girl

Old business man to a beautiful young model, "Would you consider sleeping with me for a million dollars?"

“Hmmm. Yes, I think I would," she says.

"Well," he says, "how about five dollars then?"

“How dare you! What sort of girl do you think I am?”

"Honey, we’ve already established that. Now we are just fixing on the price."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Room for the Bandage

A man is playing golf with his wife. They have just finished the first, when a ball comes flying over, knocking the woman to the ground.

The husband couldn't revive his wife, so he ran all the way to the clubhouse. "Is there a doctor in the house, my wife has just been hit by a golf ball!" he called.

"I'm a doctor," chimed up an old chap at the bar. "Where was she hit?"

The man replied, "In between the first and the second holes!"

The doctor said, "Well, that won't leave much room for a bandage!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Marry Virgins

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can’t stand criticism.

[worldangel]

Joke: It's A History Book

A curious kid comes running to an elderly man, who is reading a book. He asks him, "What are you reading?"

The elderly man answers, “A history book."

The kid looks at what the elderly man is reading and says, "But that’s a book about sex!"

And the man said, "Yeah, but for me it's history!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Watch that Sleeve

A man in a bar slipped off his jacket and slung it over the back of his chair. One of the sleeves hit a woman sitting behind him.

“Watch what you are doing with that sleeve,” she complained.

“It’s all right,” the man said. “There’s no ‘arm in it.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Don't Touch Mine

A little boy and girl were in a bathtub taking a bath. The girl starts getting a little curious and reaches out to touch the little boy's penis.

The little boy pushes her hand out of the way and says, “Hey! Don’t touch mine, you already broke yours."

[worldangel]

Joke: Having My Ass Bleached

Two women having lunch together are discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”

The second woman says, “Oh that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my ass bleached.”

To which the first replies, “Whoa! I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Hit Him Again

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her 5-year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new-born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What's Wrong With Them?

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Daddy's Got Two

Two little boys are talking in the backyard. “My daddy’s got a penis,” says the first.

“My daddy’s got two penises,” says the second.

“No way,” says the first.

“Yeah,” says the second. “He’s got a small one to pee with and a great big one to clean the baby-sitter’s teeth!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Live to be 100

Patient: How can I live to be 100, doctor?

Doctor: Give up smoking. Stop drinking. Don’t go out with women. And stop eating meat.

Patient: And will I live to be a hundred?

Doctor: Maybe not, but it will certainly seem like it.

[worldangel]

Joke: Did You Say Warehouse?

On the battlefield an Officer orders a Soldier to try and save a military warehouse that’s been set on fire by the enemy. To get to a hose the soldier dodges bullets, wipes out a machine gun nest and blows up an enemy tank.

He then climbs all over the burning building and extinguish every flame he can find. On the way back he kills three men barehanded, shoots down an enemy helicopter and destroys and enemy base. The Officer salutes him. “That was the most heroic thing I ever saw,” he says. “You’ll get a medal for saving that warehouse”

“Warehouse?” says the soldier, “I thought you said ‘whorehouse’!”

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Beat

“I’m beat,” confessed the popular sorority girl to her friend. "Last night I didn’t fall asleep until after three.”

“No wonder you’re tired,” her friend sympathized. “Twice is usually all I need.”

[worldangel]

Joke: All the Women

A man was in a bar and overheard the milkman boasting that he had made love to all the women on his route apart from one.

When the man arrived home, he related what he had heard to his wife.

She said, "I bet it's that stuck up bitch at No. 23!"

[worldangel]

Joke: We Didn't Talk About You

Old Mrs. Jones comes home after her doctor’s appointment. “I got a clean bill of health,” she tells Old Mr. Jones. “The doctor says I have the legs of an eighteen-year-old.”

“Whoop-dee-doo,” her husband says, sarcastically. “What did he say bout your seventy-five-year-old ass?”

“Actually, he didn’t mention you at all.”

[worldangel]

Joke: I Knew You'd Ask

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness replied, "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness, "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

"Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

[worldangel]

Joke: I’ll have a refill

 

A customer walks into a coffee shop. She asks the barista, “How much for a cup of coffee?”

The barista points to the menu and says, “Five dollars for a cup of coffee and refills are free.”
The customer responds, “Thanks. I’ll have a refill.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two New Dogs

 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

[worldangel]

Joke: A teenager takes a seat on a b...

A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle-aged man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intensively on the youth's multicoloured mohawk.

The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"

The man responded with "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son."

[worldangel]

Joke: Good news...bad news...

"I have good news and bad news," a defence attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fall in love

They say the only way to get over a broken heart is to fall in love again.

 

So, I fell in love with myself. Best relationship in my life.

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage Certificate

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing house...

A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"

"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks.

The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means..."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pair of Gloves

Doctor: "I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. We have to operate on you again."

Patient: "Are you kidding me?!?! Tell you what Doc, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Second Honeymoon

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: I think I'm shrinking!

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

[worldangel]

Joke: A drunk at the bar

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.


A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Restless Little Girl

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

 

Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old men

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9:00."

[worldangel]

Joke: The firemen finally get a huge...

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.

Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?"
Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."

The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"
Olson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: After 3 years, the wife starts

After 3 years, the wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.
Husband: Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, “Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Password Is

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So, we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde and a redhead met in ...

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said: 'I can't take this, you're my friend.'

The blonde said: 'No. A bet's a bet'.
So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.

The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Retaking exam

Four college students missed an important exam, choosing to party instead. They go together to their professor the next day, and said, "We're sorry we missed the exam. We had a flat tire on the way to class. Is there any way we could possibly take a re-test?"

"Sure," replied the professor. "Come on in tomorrow, and you can all take a retest. But remember, it's a pass or fail."

The four students arrived the next day to take the retest, and all of them sat down in their seats. Before handing them their exams, their professor told them, "I've got good news and bad news. The good part is, there's only one question on the test. The bad news is, if any of you fail, you all fail the test."

The students sat there, a bit worried from this professor's strange introduction to the exam. Then the professor handed out the four exams, and each student stared down at their papers, which contained just one simple question:

"Which tire was it?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Panties that Honour

Q: Why do girls put on black panties?

A: In memory of those who have been there.

[worldangel]

Joke: Packed Up And Lef

"Yo Momma is so ugly…"

"How ugly is she?"

"Yo momma is so ugly, her vibrator packed up and left!"

[worldangel]

Joke: It Worked on the Other Side

One night, a man and his wife were watching TV. It was about breast implants. The wife said, ”I wish I had bigger breast.”

The man said, ”You don’t have to get silicone breasts, just wipe between your breast with toilet paper.”

"How would that work?" asked the wife.

The man said, "Well, you have been wiping your butt for 50 years and it's gotten bigger."

[worldangel]

Joke: What do I look like?

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day, the husband comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking in the upstairs bathroom. Could you fix it?"
The husband says: "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like? Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says: "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says: "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.

The wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

"What do I look like?" she says. "Betty Crocker?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dropping me down to a B

I was furious at my English teacher for dropping me down to a B for missing just a single period.

However, I'm sure he'll be worried enough to increase it to an A after I inform him that I've actually missed three periods.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Your car in heaven....

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A doctor at an insane asylum d...

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

 

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

 

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.