Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Is it True, Dad?

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

[worldangel]

Joke: Life's Saddest Disappointment

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class, "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer. Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the first girl, who had threatened to complain to her parents and principal. He said, "Well, Mary, I have three things to tell you. First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."

[worldangel]

Joke: Do You Work for UPS?

Man: Do you work for the UPS Company?

Woman: No, why?

Man: Because I thought I saw you checking out my package.

[worldangel]

Joke: A Big Potato

Jake and Jim are chatting at the beach. Jake asks Jim how come he is always so popular with the women.

Jim explains, "I find a big potato and put it down my swim trunks and that’s my secret."

A few days later they meet again on the beach and Jake says, "I tried what you said but all they do is look at me in disgust."

Jim replies, "Yes, but you are supposed to put it in the front, not the BACK!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'll Start at the Feet

Two cannibals are sharing their prey. One said to the other, "I'll start at the feet up and you start from the head down. We will meet in the middle."

After a while one says to the other, "How are you doing so far?"

"I’m having a ball!" the other replied.

"Slow down, you're eating too fast!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I Can't Sell You Arsenic

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

"To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband, and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

He takes the photo, and nods, "I didn't realize you had a prescription."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pesticide Condoms

One day a man goes to visit his doctor and asks, “Do you have any pesticide condoms?”

The doctor says, "You mean spermicidal?"

"No," the man says, "I mean pesticide because my wife has a bug up her ass and I’m going in after it."

[worldangel]

Joke: This Is A Math Class

The math teacher in 3rd grade class asked Al, "If there are 4 birds in a tree and a hunter shoots down one of them, how many would there be left?"

Al replied, “None, since all the other birds would fly away after the first shot."

The teacher said, "Al, this is a math class. The answer should be four minus one. However I appreciate your imagination."

The boy sought permission from the teacher to ask a question. Al asked," Three beautiful girls were eating an ice cream cone. One is lapping up the ice cream, another is nibbling the cone, and the third is sucking the ice cream from the bottom. Which one of them is married?"

The teacher smiled and replied, " Probably the third one".

Al said, "Miss, the one with the wedding ring is married, but I like your imagination!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Lots of Laughs

The comedian called his girlfriend from the road. "You'll never believe it, I killed it last night! I performed for ten minutes and got a lot of laughs!"

The girlfriend replied, "Oh? Did you have sex with someone?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Tickets for the Zoo

How many tickets did the dumb college girl buy for the zoo?

Two, one to get in and one to get out.

[worldangel]

Joke: That's Strange

A lawyer’s name was Strange. When he died his friend asked the tombstone maker to write, “Here lies Strange, an honest person, and a lawyer.”

The tombstone maker warned that this statement can be very confusing, as anyone who passes by grave would think that three men were buried in a single grave. However, he suggested another statement, “Here lies a person who was not only honest but also a good lawyer."

This way, whenever people walk by his grave and read it, they will say, “That’s strange!”

[worldangel]

Joke: More Than I Intended

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewellery store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The House of Ill Repute

The two men arrive and see the sign on the door of a house of ill repute.

Saddened, one of the men reads it out loud… "Gone to lunch, beat it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Brakes Don't Work

Two blonde guys are driving a car on a very hilly road. They get to the top of a very high steep hill and they start going down it very fast.

The guy driving says, "Oh my goodness! The brakes don't work!"

The guy in the passenger seat says, "Don't worry, there's a stop sign at the end of this hill."

[worldangel]

Joke: Did You Hear Any Shots?

An hour after checking into the motel, the guest stormed up to the front desk. “What kind of chickenshit joint are you running?” he claimed.

“What’s the problem, sir?" the confused desk clerk asked.

“I went up to my room, unlocked the door, and there was a man holding a gun," shouted the irate guest. “He told me to get on my knees and give him oral sex or he’d blast my brains all over the room!”

“Oh my,” gasped the clerk, shocked and embarrassed. “What did you do?”

The guest screamed, “Well, you didn’t hear any shots, did you?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Lacklustre Sex Life

Worried about their lacklustre sex life, the young wife finally persuaded her husband to undergo hypnotic treatment.

After a few sessions his sexual interest improved, but during their lovemaking, he would occasionally rush out of the bedroom.

Overcome by curiosity, she followed him to the bathroom. Tiptoeing to the doorway, she saw him standing before the mirror, staring intently at himself and muttering, “She’s not my wife…. She’s not my wife….”

[worldangel]

Joke: Terrible Work History

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."

[worldangel]

Joke: Now Put Your Other Hand In

A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to make love. The woman directed the man, “Go ahead. Put your finger in there.”

So the man did, and after a few minutes, she said, “Put a few more in.” So the man put a few more in, and then she requested, “Put your whole hand in.”

The man did this, and after a few moments the woman said, “Now put your other hand in.” So the man did. The woman said, “Clap!”

“I can’t,” replied the man.

So the woman said, “Tight, huh?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Have You Seen Ilene?

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Have you seen Ilene?"

The guy is rather confused and asks, "Ilene who?" The bartender replies, "I lean over, and you kiss my ass."

Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street. So, he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer, he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him. The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben. And when he says Ben who, you say 'I bend over, and you kiss my ass.'"

So the guy goes back across the street and asks the bartender if he has seen Ben. And the Bartender says, "Yep, He just went out the door with Ilene."

The guy asks, "Ilene who?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Raw Thighs

Why does a cowgirl’s thighs stay raw?

Because cowboys don’t take their hats off for nothing!

[worldangel]

Joke: A Lawyer and A Boxing Referee

What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

[worldangel]

Joke: Make Up Your Mind

A woman with a toothache goes to visit her dentist. The dentist tells her the tooth will have to be pulled.

She says, "Oh, no! I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth pulled."

The dentist replies, "Well, make up your mind. I'll have to adjust the chair."

[worldangel]

Joke: Jill's Legs

A man had just opened a restaurant, but he couldn't think of a name. So, he decided to name it after the third person that walks in.

The third person walks in and the guy asked for her name. She said, "Jill."

"Well Jill, you have nice legs!"

So the guy named the restaurant "Jill's Legs." A week later a drunk was laying on the sidewalk outside the restaurant when a police officer asked him what he was doing.

He replied, "I'm waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a bite to eat."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ever Read Shakespeare?

One dumb guy says to another, "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"

He replies, "No, who wrote it?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Nor Gold, Nor Platinum

A science teacher asks a student, "Mike if you could have any element of the element table what would it be?"

Mike said, "Gold, because gold is worth a lot and I could have a Ferrari in my drive way every day."

The teacher asked another student, "Johnny, what element would you choose?"

Johnny said, "Platinum, because platinum is more expensive than gold and I could have a Viper in my drive way every day."

The teacher asked another student, "George what element would you pick?"

George said silicone. “Silicone?” the amazed teacher asked.

George said, "Because my mom got some silicone and now, she has a Ferrari and a viper in her drive way."

[worldangel]

Joke: Identifying A Smart Ass

How can you identify a smart ass?

By his wise 'crack'!

[worldangel]

Joke: Make My Users Satisfied

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, a genie appeared who stated, "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."

The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said, "I'd like there to be a just and lasting peace among the people in the middle east."

The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs and let them ask sensible changes."

Genie replies, "Uh, let me see that map again."

[worldangel]

Joke: She's So Big

Yo mamma so big….

She irons her clothes with an eighteen-wheeler!

[worldangel]

Joke: Picnic In the Road

Two idiots are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One says, "Hey, let’s have a picnic over there under that tree."

The other idiot says," No, no, let’s have it in the middle of the road."

They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road, and then ran into the tree.

The second idiot says, “See, if we were over there, we would be dead right now."

[worldangel]

Joke: Potential and Reality

A boy comes home from school one day with a question on his mind and goes to his father for an answer. "Father," he asks, "what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

His father is thoughtful for a moment, and then replies, "Well, I'll tell you what, son. Go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with the mailman for a million dollars."

The boy is confused, but follows his father instructions, and proceeds into the kitchen. When he returns, he tells father, "She said she would, Dad..." His father again looks thoughtful, and so the boy asks, "Now will you teach me the difference between potential and reality?"'

The father says, "I will, son, but first, go ask your sister if she'd sleep with the mailman for a million dollars." The boy is even more puzzled but does as his father says. After he return from his sister's room, he says, "Yes, dad, she said she would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars. Now will you teach me the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father looks up at his son, and says, "Alright son, think about this: Potentially, we've got two million dollars, but realistically - we're just living with a couple of horny women."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Would You Like to Buy Some?

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms, size extra-large.

“Yes, we do,” he replies. “Would you like to buy some?”

“No,” she says. “But do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Marry Virgins

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can’t stand criticism.

[worldangel]

Joke: It's A History Book

A curious kid comes running to an elderly man, who is reading a book. He asks him, "What are you reading?"

The elderly man answers, “A history book."

The kid looks at what the elderly man is reading and says, "But that’s a book about sex!"

And the man said, "Yeah, but for me it's history!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Penis Transplant

Q: Did you hear about the man who had a penis transplant?

A: His hand rejected it.

[worldangel]

Joke: As Big as A Truck

A father and his 6-year-old son walk into a bank. When they get in line the son notices the very large woman in front of them. The son tugs at the dad’s jacket and says, "Daddy, look! That lady is huge!"

The father replies, "Yes son, she's as big as a truck."

About a minute later the large woman’s cell phone goes off. The ring tone more resembles a beeping sound. The kid pushes his father out of the way and yells, "Look out dad! It’s backing up!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I Found the Sponge

Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks, "Mommy what's that?"

Somewhat flustered she quickly replies, "Well dear that is my sponge."

Content with her answer, off he goes. Later he runs into the living room and asks, "Mommy may I play with your sponge?"

Again his mother is flustered and quickly states, "Why, no you may not, I lost it."

This pacifies him and back out to play. Later Johnny races into the kitchen yelling, "Mommy I found the sponge, I found the sponge."

Confused the mother asks, "You did, and where did you find it?"

Johnny proudly stated, "The maid's got it, and she is washing Daddy's face with it."

[worldangel]

Joke: You Get Too Mean

A guy who has already had quite a few beers enters an already busy bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer, give everyone in the place a beer, and have one yourself!"

The bartender serves everyone a beer and draws one for himself. He walks over to the benefactor, toasts him and asks for his money. The man tells him that ran out of money a long while back. The bartender physically ejects him from the bar and deposits him prone on the sidewalk.

The man picks himself up and strides back into bar. He crawls on a stool and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer and give everyone here a beer, but none for you, you get too mean when you drink."

[worldangel]

Joke: Working for Microsoft

Three women are sitting around talking about their husbands’ performances as loves. The first woman says, “My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and spank me sometimes. I kind of like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lucky So Far

Little Johnny and the little girl next door are in love. One day Johnny goes to his mother and tells her that the two are getting married. She thinks this is adorable and asks, "Well Johnny, where are the two of you going to live?"

He says they can live in her room. "And how are you going to support your new wife?" Johnny's mother asks. Johnny tells her the two of their allowances combined should be enough to support two six-year-olds.

"Well what will you do if you have a baby?"

Johnny looks at her, shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well we've been lucky so far."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Couple Shuffle

Two couples are on a double date when they start talking about partner swapping. They decide it would be cool to try it out. The two couples then go to a local motel. They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly shuffled couples go to their respective rooms.

One couple, in their room, go wild with each other. They make love for hours. When finished, one of the two rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow, lights up a cigarette, looks at her partner, and says...

"I wonder how the guys are doing?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Together At Last

Attending the funeral of an actress who had been married ten times, a friend sobbed to the priest, “Well, at least they’re together at last.”

The clergyman looked around, “Which of her husbands is buried here?”

“None,” said the friend. “I meant, her legs.”

[worldangel]

Joke: 69 + 69

What is 69 + 69?

Dinner for four!

[worldangel]

Joke: You Want, yes?

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso.

The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseuse approached the towel. The towel began to lift, and the girl arched her eyebrows. “You want, yes?” she asked, acknowledging his state of arousal.

“You bet!” was the excited reply.

“Okay,” she said. “I come back in then minutes.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Minivan with 5 Trombones

What's so tragic about a minivan with 5 trombones in it, running off the side of a cliff?

You could have fit more trombones in it.

[worldangel]

Joke: Location, Location, Location

A guy walks into a sleazy bar and orders a drink. After a while he tells the barmaid, “You should get your belly button pierced.”

She replies, “Why would I want to do that?”

"It’s a great place to hang an air freshener."

[worldangel]

Joke: Married Men Talking Sex

Two married men talk about marital sex. The first one says, "I enjoy having sex with my wife in the quiet of the night when our children have fallen asleep."

"I prefer having sex with my wife early in the morning," replies the second one.

"Why?"

"First come, first served!"

[worldangel]

Joke: He Doesn't Believe In Hell

A young girl came home from a date, looking sad. She tells her mother, “John asked me to marry him.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asks.

“Because,” the girl says, “he told me he’s an atheist. He doesn’t even believe there is a Hell.”

Her mother says, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What's the Difference?

What’s the difference between your wife and your mistress?

About 45lbs.

What’s the difference between your husband and your lover?

About 45 minutes!

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

There were these three little old ladies sitting on a park bench minding their own business when suddenly a flasher jumped in front of them and exposed himself.

The first old lady had a stroke.

The second old lady had a stroke.

But sadly, the third old lady couldn't reach!

[worldangel]

Joke: Stress, Tension, & Panic

What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?

STRESS is when wife is pregnant.

TENSION is when girlfriend is pregnant.

PANIC is when BOTH are pregnant!