Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: She Swallowed An Olive

Did you hear about the nymphomaniac?

She was so skinny that every time she swallowed an olive, five guys skipped town.

[worldangel]

Joke: Love Is A Temptation

Love is a temptation caused by a sensation…

Which a man sticks his location into a girls destination…

Which doubles the population for the next generation…

Do you need an explanation or do you need a demonstration?

[worldangel]

Joke: Please Answer the Question

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true, “ he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

There was no answer. The attorney repeated the question. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, “I'm sorry. I thought he was talking to you, judge."

[worldangel]

Joke: Like A News Bulletin

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighbourhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Who’s that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected, and usually a disaster."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Better Health Plan

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Guys In A Bar

Three guys in a bar are discussing a female acquaintance that is trying without success to have a family. The first says, “I believe she is impregnable.”

The second says, “I think she is inconceivable.”

The third disagrees, saying, “You’re both off the mark. She is obviously unbearable.”

[worldangel]

Joke: I Can't Pee Anymore

An old man goes to the emergency room. “What seems to be the problem?” he is asked at the desk.

“I can’t pee anymore!”

“Well, how old are you?"

“I am eighty-five-years old.”

“Well then sir, you have peed enough.”

[worldangel]

Joke: If Your Hose Is Short

Sign above urinal:

If your hose is short and your pump is weak…

Better stand close or you'll piss on your feet.

[worldangel]

Joke: Glaucoma Has Cleared Up

Passing through the hospital corridors, a doctor noticed a strong smell of marijuana. He asked one of the nurses on duty about the odor.

“The good thing,” the nurse said, “is that down that hall everybody’s glaucoma has cleared up. The bad thing is that now everyone wants a Twinkie!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Is It Bad To Have A Willy?

A little lad asked his mom, "Is it bad to have a willy?"

"No," said his mother. "Why?"

"Cause daddy is upstairs trying to pull his off."

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Imagine the Fix

“I have nine children and I’ve just found out my husband has never really loved me,” said the distraught woman to her lawyer.

“There, there, my dear,” said the lawyer, trying to reassure her. “Just imagine the fix you would be in today if he had.”

[worldangel]

Joke: My Husband's Vasectomy

"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills," said Edna to Priscilla.

"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.

"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Needs Two?

"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"

"I used two fingers."

"What for?"

"I needed a second opinion."

[worldangel]

Joke: It's Close Enough

85-year-old Lucy bursts into the game-room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!”

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”

Lucy thinks a minute and says, “Close enough!”

[worldangel]

Joke: I Think I Have A Concussion

A blonde was in a car crash. She says to the paramedic, "I think I have concussion!”

The paramedic says, "How many fingers do I have up?"

The blonde replies, " OH SHIT! I'M PARALYZED TOO!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Inactive for Quite Some Time

An honoured army general was at the doctor’s office for a checkup. At one point during the exam the doctor said, “If you don’t mind my asking, sir, when was the last time you had sex?”

“Of course, I understand, medical reasons and all that,” the general answered. “I would say approximately 1975.”

“So you’ve been inactive for quite some time?”

“You think so?” the general said, checking his watch. “It’s only 2140 now.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Dropping A Bomb

A guy asks his friend, "If you knew that they were about to drop an atomic bomb, what’s the first thing you would do?"

"I would screw the first thing that moved! What would you do?"

The first guy says, "I would stand very still for at least half an hour."

[worldangel]

Joke: "Viens A Moi"

Two women at a department store stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it.

“That’s nice, isn’t it?” Kim said waving her arm under her friend’s nose.

“Yeah, what’s it called?”

“Viens a moi.”

“Viens a moi? What’s that mean?”

A clerk offered some help. “Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.’”

Kim took another sniff. “That doesn’t smell like come to me,” she said, offering her arm to her friend again. “Does that smell like come to you?”

[worldangel]

The 36,000th post

 

Joke: The Telepathic Watch

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asks.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

"Damn, this thing must be an hour fast then."

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Did the Condom Fly?

Why did the condom fly across the room?

It got upset.

[worldangel]

Joke: An Onion and An Oboe

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

[worldangel]

Joke: I Wish I Were A Ring

I wish I were a ring upon my lover’s hand…

For every time she'd wipe her ass…

I would then see the Promise Land!

[worldangel]

Joke: Hey Mister, Your Monkey Is Crazy

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. Before long the monkey is going crazy. It's doing flips on the bar, it grabs some napkins and eats them grabs some olives and eats them, it jumps over to the pool table, grabs a pool ball and eats it.

So now the bartender is pissed and yells at the guy. "What the hell Mister your monkey is crazy!"

The guy apologizes and says, "Yeah I know, I'm really sorry. But don't worry I'll pay for everything." So he pays for his beer, the napkins, and the olives, he even pays for the pool ball and then he leaves. About a week goes by and the same guy comes back to the bar with his monkey. He sits down and orders his beer and the monkey flips out again. This time he grabs a cherry sticks it in his ass and then eats it.

The bartender says, "What the fuck, your monkey is crazier than ever!"

The guy says, "Yeah, I know, but after the pool ball now he checks for size first."

[worldangel]

Joke: Can I Have Your Chili?

A young cowboy walks into a seedy café in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead. Have at it."

Eagerly, the young cowboy slides the bowl over and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was so shocking he immediately loses his meal.

The old cowboy tightens his lips and says, "Yep, that's about as far as I got, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lower My Sex Drive

A 90-year-old man finally gets to see a doctor. The doctor asks him to explain the problem. The man says he wants the Doctor to lower his sex drive.

The Doctor is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, "Just how old are you?"

The man answers, "I am 90."

The doctor, still a little confused, says "You are 90 and you want your sex drive lowered?"

"Yes," said the man, "it's all in my head and I want you to lower it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Men

 

When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men.

He said he couldn't increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men, he'd fire them.

[worldangel]

Joke: Get Better Soon

 

I just got my boyfriend a 'get better soon' card.

He isn't sick, I just think he can get better.

[worldangel]

Joke: Dinner and A Story

 

A little-known fact:

Aesop used to moonlight as a waiter in a small restaurant in his home city. While taking orders one day, he heard a diner call out, "Hey Aesop, can you tell us the story of The Elephant and the Squirrel?"

"I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't," Aesop replied. "That's not my fable."

[worldangel]

Joke: Stay Awake

 

A man said to a long-haul truck driver, "I'd love to drive a big rig," I said, "but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel."

"Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window.

[worldangel]

Joke: Cyber Attack

 

There was a catastrophic cyber-attack recently.

The government is still looking for the hacker.

I think they ran somewhere.

[worldangel]

Joke: A Toast for the Ages

 

The wedding was a beautiful affair and the reception equally stunning, the guests had all settled down with drinks in hand. A prayer for the food and a toast to the young couple was requested from the 100 year old Matriarch of the family.

A beautiful prayer was then said extolling the wonderful young couple and how hopes for a long married life would follow with many blessings of children.

Next the toast was started with the traditional request to raise your glasses high, the Grandmother then started: "One is sufficient, two at the most, three I'm under the table, and four I'm under the host."

[worldangel]

Joke: Half A Minute, Maybe

 

My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed.

I told her it's unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Attorney’s Sleep

 

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

[worldangel]

Joke: Back Seat Driver

 

We were driving in my friend Larry's new car. I asked him about its features.

He listed the usual, then added: "It tells me to slow down as I approach the speed limit. It warns me when I have to stop. It points out solid no-passing lines."

I expressed my amazement.

"But," he explained, "these features work only when my wife is in the car."

[worldangel]

Joke: Uncle Roy

 

My Uncle Elroy used to sell pants for 25 cents apiece.

Everyone called him Quarter Roy.

[worldangel]

Joke: So Much Debt

 

I have so much debt...

I can start a government.

[worldangel]

Joke: It Costs Two Thousand Dollars

 

The air traffic controller, working a busy pattern, told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (usually done to provide spacing between aircraft).

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars’ worth!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Keep Your Mouth Shut

 

Nothing looks good on me anymore,” wailed a customer modelling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror.

“Nonsense, ma’am,” soothed the salesclerk. “That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied. “I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Things That Count

 

My wife said, "Honey I didn’t marry you for your good looks, because you’re not so handsome, and I didn’t marry you for your money either because we’re always broke, I married you for your brain, BECAUSE it’s the little things that count."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hold Your Horses

 

Father: "Hold your horses, son."

5-year-old: "I don't have any horses."

Father: "It means calm down."

5-year-old: "I can't, my horses are gone."

[worldangel]

Joke: New Laws

 

The mayor in my city just passed a law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week.

Well, it's not a law, it's more of a mandate.

[worldangel]

Joke: At A Girls College

 

At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.

"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."

"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman. "But think of how surprised I am, I'm her mother!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Things You Say After 50

 

Things You Say After 50:

Where the #$%# is my phone?

How did I get that bruise?

How do they expect you to read that small print?

Where'd I put my glasses?

I don't care if it doesn't look fashionable, it's comfortable!

Who the heck is calling at 9pm?

[worldangel]

Joke: Remain In Your Seats

 

My first apartment was so close to the Airport...

That every time I went to the kitchen to make a brew and a sandwich, the stewardess told me to get back to my seat.

[worldangel]

Joke: Tom Hanks Memoir

 

When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...

"T. Hanks - For the Memories"

[worldangel]

Joke: How A-Moo-Sing

 

City boy, visiting his cousin's farm: "Say, why doesn't that cow have horns?"

Country cousin: "There are many reasons why a cow might not have horns. Some grow horns late in life, some have them removed, some might lose them in an accident, and then there are certain breeds who simply never grow horns. This cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hollow Victory

 

If an ant needs to dig a really big hole in the ground...

Do you suppose it could rent a Caterpillar?

[worldangel]

Joke: Jet Fuel

 

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you...err... broken wind yet?"

"No."

"Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Top 5 Things We're Hoping A.I. Does For Us

 

Top 5 Things We're Hoping A.I. Does For Us:

Call balls and strikes. Seriously. Is it in the square, or not?

Explain how my wife can always be wrong.

Defend my Magic the Gathering collection with laser weapons.

Help me understand why Carrot Top is funny.

Replacing rolls of toilet paper the right way.

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor In the Mountains

 

An elderly friend talked about a nephew of his who became an orthopaedic bone surgeon 50 years ago and moved to Colorado.

"Oh, where in Colorado did, he move too?"

"I don't know but I'm sure it was at the base of a mountain that had a ski slope on it."