zuidew Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 I'm not too sure about all of these 'mainstream' opinions. Despite the varying level, and irrefutable truth in them, I have always preferred to to judge things case by case. Everyone has their own core problems and its not fair to universalise the issues.Firstly, this is my 2 cents and I'm neither old enough to be in a state of urgency - then again that's due to social pressure.I'm more into finding companionships and long lasting friendships. I've chosen not to actively head hunt for a BF. Its not some hunt, neither is it wise to grab some guy off the streets simply by his looks alone. Its always better to know the person as a friend and understanding him personally.Personally I have a whole bunch of undesirable features I think. My low self esteem simply makes me feel that I'm undeserving of anything, and I don't really love myself either. Yet, I just simply prefer that if anyone bothered to interact with me and enjoyed my company, that I'll reciprocate and try to enrich his/her life in return.At least I'll maintain my small group of friends that I know that I enjoy their company, any chance of developing further will be a boon.Sometimes I just wish for people to give mutual encouragement I guess. Small things add up and maybe we'll change each other?Its just not right to dictate and manipulate others though.. that's just really low.Wish you all the best though dreamer, and the rest, that you find that one, or have an epiphany that that one was already around you and you only realised it now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest jayy Posted December 17, 2011 Report Share Posted December 17, 2011 I'm more into finding companionships and long lasting friendships. I've chosen not to actively head hunt for a BF. Its not some hunt, neither is it wise to grab some guy off the streets simply by his looks alone. Its always better to know the person as a friend and understanding him personally.This is my philosophy too. I don't want a situation of "lets try being bfs". I'd rather we get to know each other and slowly nurture a bond past that initial lust/obsession/thinking-with-your-dick phase. If the attraction and chemistry is still there after that...then you know you're on to something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exynos Posted December 17, 2011 Report Share Posted December 17, 2011 i'm kinda the opposite here.... i think it's a waste of time and kinda lame to "let's take our time", cos i dunno man, it's a bf. if i meet someone i know i want, i will know it. i don't need to date him for 6 years to figure out my feelings, cos i dunno, maybe it's the kinda person i am. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mercutio Posted December 18, 2011 Report Share Posted December 18, 2011 (edited) I've been agonizing whether to add to this thread for some time.Hi. I'm a serial relationshipper. I've never been single for more than 8 months at a time since I was 18. I've never had to do the chasing. Before you lynch me: I'm currently single again, for close to 7 months now. I've turned down I don't know 6-7 offers in the interim. And I'm not sure I will ever take up another offer because it gets more painful and more tiring each time to try and do it again.But that's my personal issue and I think it's wonderful that you guys dream of that special someone, because it really can come true. It's more work than you could ever bloody imagine, but if you want it, it could be yours.Anyway, I'm writing to offer my opinions on a few things which I see popping up in this thread. They're just opinions, and everyone's circumstance is unique, but I'm throwing my weight and experience as a serial relationshipper behind it 1. FateFate's a matter of belief, but as with religion, it can be used for good or twisted to selfish ends. Used for good, it creates hope, encourages patience and soothes disappointment ("don't worry, it's not your time yet", "someone will come along soon"). But it can also create false hope ("the right person will come") as well as become an excuse to give up ("i'm not fated") and succumb to laziness while blaming a supposed greater force against which one cannot fight.Well, it's fated that you will brush your teeth every morning when you wake up, but unless you pick up that toothbrush, nothing is going to happen. Fate does not work miracles. And the word "fatal" is as much derived from "fate", as being "fatalistic" is, i.e. surrendering to fate is deadly. Even the most charming, handsome, eligible bachelor in the world is going to stay single FOREVER if he doesn't make the effort to make himself presentable, go out there and meet people, be agreeable and socialize and make it known that he's looking for a boyfriend (a boyfriend, NOT a friend), and go through the endless rounds of dating and dating and dating.I know it's a sickening routine. I am sick to death of it myself. I know it's not really being 'you', but it's not pretending to be someone else either. But unfortunately that is the only way the game is ever played short of something akin to an arranged marriage.There are rare cases I've heard of, of long-time friends eventually becoming boyfrie ... no, actually, sorry but I've NEVER heard of it actually ever happening whether in Singapore or overseas and I've been around a lot. The only exception I can think of were some older gay friends in their 50s and they didn't become boyfriends: they just got so lonely they started sleeping with each other.2. You Got To Not Want It / Love Yourself FirstI've never heard of Esther Whatshername before this, but I totally support her because I've been telling lonely gay as well as straight friends the same thing for years. By the way, it doesn't literally mean "Stop Wanting a Boyfriend". It's instead an action plan to get one:First, stop being desperate: People smell desperation like dogs smell fear and it doesn't smell good; it's that same smell that surrounds Dirty Old Men as they extend trembling long-fingered hands to snatch at your crotch. Desperation saps your energy and plunges you into despair. Have you ever met someone who was desperate and despondent and thought wow i wish he was my partner for life?Second, rechannel that desperate energy elsewhere into "Loving Yourself", which doesn't mean indulging yourself at all. It means making yourself look and feel better, or seeking self-improvement in other ways. This not only makes for better advertising (and yes, you absolutely need to advertise yourself) but also builds up your confidence and resolve. Edited December 18, 2011 by Mercutio Prince+ve 1 Quote Mercurio sacris fertur Boebeidos Undis virgineum Brimo composuisse latus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delon Posted December 19, 2011 Report Share Posted December 19, 2011 I've been agonizing whether to add to this thread for some time.Hi. I'm a serial relationshipper. I've never been single for more than 8 months at a time since I was 18. I've never had to do the chasing. Before you lynch me: I'm currently single again, for close to 7 months now. I've turned down I don't know 6-7 offers in the interim. And I'm not sure I will ever take up another offer because it gets more painful and more tiring each time to try and do it again.But that's my personal issue and I think it's wonderful that you guys dream of that special someone, because it really can come true. It's more work than you could ever bloody imagine, but if you want it, it could be yours.Anyway, I'm writing to offer my opinions on a few things which I see popping up in this thread. They're just opinions, and everyone's circumstance is unique, but I'm throwing my weight and experience as a serial relationshipper behind it 1. FateFate's a matter of belief, but as with religion, it can be used for good or twisted to selfish ends. Used for good, it creates hope, encourages patience and soothes disappointment ("don't worry, it's not your time yet", "someone will come along soon"). But it can also create false hope ("the right person will come") as well as become an excuse to give up ("i'm not fated") and succumb to laziness while blaming a supposed greater force against which one cannot fight.Well, it's fated that you will brush your teeth every morning when you wake up, but unless you pick up that toothbrush, nothing is going to happen. Fate does not work miracles. And the word "fatal" is as much derived from "fate", as being "fatalistic" is, i.e. surrendering to fate is deadly. Even the most charming, handsome, eligible bachelor in the world is going to stay single FOREVER if he doesn't make the effort to make himself presentable, go out there and meet people, be agreeable and socialize and make it known that he's looking for a boyfriend (a boyfriend, NOT a friend), and go through the endless rounds of dating and dating and dating.I know it's a sickening routine. I am sick to death of it myself. I know it's not really being 'you', but it's not pretending to be someone else either. But unfortunately that is the only way the game is ever played short of something akin to an arranged marriage.There are rare cases I've heard of, of long-time friends eventually becoming boyfrie ... no, actually, sorry but I've NEVER heard of it actually ever happening whether in Singapore or overseas and I've been around a lot. The only exception I can think of were some older gay friends in their 50s and they didn't become boyfriends: they just got so lonely they started sleeping with each other.2. You Got To Not Want It / Love Yourself FirstI've never heard of Esther Whatshername before this, but I totally support her because I've been telling lonely gay as well as straight friends the same thing for years. By the way, it doesn't literally mean "Stop Wanting a Boyfriend". It's instead an action plan to get one:First, stop being desperate: People smell desperation like dogs smell fear and it doesn't smell good; it's that same smell that surrounds Dirty Old Men as they extend trembling long-fingered hands to snatch at your crotch. Desperation saps your energy and plunges you into despair. Have you ever met someone who was desperate and despondent and thought wow i wish he was my partner for life?Second, rechannel that desperate energy elsewhere into "Loving Yourself", which doesn't mean indulging yourself at all. It means making yourself look and feel better, or seeking self-improvement in other ways. This not only makes for better advertising (and yes, you absolutely need to advertise yourself) but also builds up your confidence and resolve.I must admit that your advice shows the great wisdom in you. And you better not give up too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dreamer Posted December 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 22, 2011 (edited) Hi all. Seems like self-esteem and self-love seems to be a common denominator that affects the likelihood of finding someone...But my question still stands unanswered/discussed; any (for the lack of a better word) healthy way to meet new people? I kinda was reading through the dragonboat rower thread and thought it was a nice way to meet new people. Then again i'm not suggesting everyone take part it in for the sake of meeting new people that the team's training goes topsy-turvy. I've also heard of a bookclub (or rather i'm in the fb group but i have not attended any sessions :x) comprised of gay and lesbian friends. I guess a step to take then, would be to find an interest group that matches your interests... or start one?(a sudden stroke of genius hits me)Ok. Let's go a step FURTHER and 1. introduce yourself and 2. talk about your interests? they don't have to be specific activities... and don't limit yourself, but you could state examples to be more specific and since most people reading this already falls into the category of "Above 25 and never been attached," it makes the 'match' easier! I know it's very much trevvy/fridae personals, but like i mentioned, the search has already been narrowed here. And if you don't open your mind as well as your options, you'll never know, right? I'll start first!1. IntroductionI'm 28, 1.83m tall, 69kg, pakistani-malay mixed ethnicity, job specifics can be discussed later 2. Interests*ahem* Let's see. I like watching performances, especially dance, theatre, comedy, film... etc. I used to like sports but now, due to a dance injury, I'm more of a member of audience... maybe I'll be back and kicking in future but I'll take a backseat now. For further enquiries, please leave a msg, There you have it!NOW, YOUR TURN! Edited December 22, 2011 by dreamer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dreamer Posted January 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 Been quiet plus I've been kinda busy at work, well sort of. How's everyone doing? My most miserable day is coming up soon... V Day... argh. hahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Marad44 Posted January 19, 2012 Report Share Posted January 19, 2012 ...a sudden stroke of genius hits me...NOW, YOUR TURN! A sudden stroke of silence... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Posted January 19, 2012 Report Share Posted January 19, 2012 A sudden stroke of silence... Maybe everybody here got attached since the previous post? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Marad44 Posted January 19, 2012 Report Share Posted January 19, 2012 (edited) Maybe everybody here got attached since the previous post? Oh Phil, you have a way of cranking my engine! Edited January 19, 2012 by Marad44 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Posted January 19, 2012 Report Share Posted January 19, 2012 Oh Phil, you have a way of cranking my engine! Sorry! I just thought it's a good thing to be optimistic sometimes... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest theOthertruth Posted January 24, 2012 Report Share Posted January 24, 2012 maybe we should have a gathering of some sort >? It would be lovely if we could have a steamboat/bbq/buffet and talk about this issue. I admit I am a foodie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Posted January 24, 2012 Report Share Posted January 24, 2012 maybe we should have a gathering of some sort >? It would be lovely if we could have a steamboat/bbq/buffet and talk about this issue. I admit I am a foodie.OK; just do that on the Seine river in Paris... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Marad44 Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 OK; just do that on the Seine river in Paris...Phil, you die-hard romantic! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovehandle Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 28 is still very young, i m MUCH Older and unattached before Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baloo Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 Have you watched the TV Series "Queer As Folk"? All 5 seasons please... if you have not, perhaps you need to watch it.as to being above 25... and not attached... haha... I was like dat too...It takes YEARS to get to KNOW someone... and YEARS of constant contact - whether proximity, or through email, or other forms of communicaiton... "hi, good morning, good afternoon, good night, where are you, ... DOES NOT COUNT AS Communicaitons.you need to really share insights, outsights, pet peeves, favourite food, hobbies, shopping, movies, books, political discussion, and everything else under the sun and the moon and the stars and under the sheets and under the bed... sharing the same toilet in the mornings, even fetishes... to get to know someone enough to say - hey, this is the right guy for me for the rest of my life - my SOULMATE.bf these days by 'younger' guys I know... today know him, next week bf... three weeks later break... that is not bf... that's just an excuse to have a 3 week exclusive sex partner before changing to the next one - so you bluff yourself to be the 'one partner man'yeah right.long distance relationship or relationships where one party is never free to meet you for an hour a day at least whether to eat, or chat, or have coffee, or have a roll in the hay... erm... they are getting their shots off elsewhere... and you are the fool who thinks he's saving it all for you for the blue moon fark... married or not married same thing... although it's harder for the married because you are priority number after wife and kids...3 to x....(see how many kids he has) plus see how many other guys he is seeing on a 'regular' basis besides you...hallo, married man can have a guy... can have many guys... faithful is not in his vocab dude... u understand that, you have a chance to have some kind of relationship with him...ok I'm kinda drifting here... back to topic of having a relationship... I'm gonna rehash things I said before, and blogged before - because I still believe those are the principal things that affect relationships.(a) Relationships are all give. You 'expect'? You doomed to dissappointment - let every gesture you GET be a surprise, and unexpected... it's happier that way.(b) It takes years to cultivate a 'lasting, working' relationship. Try not to be too 'possessive' and 'exclusive' minded. So long as it's agreed to be playing safe, and those are all 'flings' and whatever, and he will always 'come back to you' regularly, be happy with it. the more you want control and commitment, the slimmer your chances to actually finding a bond that lasts.© Find out from your friends, who have long relationships - how they are together. They chose to be exclusive to each other - not forced. they chose , after flinging for a while - this is still the best fish in the pond after trying out all the other fishes... you got to let your partner discover that you are the best fish... yet he is still free to go when a better fish comes along... and if he chose to stay... you have him... no need to impose anything... and no need to expect anything either - just give him your all, with no expectation of return because you love him... If you expect him to love you back, you are setting yourself up to be disappointed again... his gift of his love is his to give... not yours to expect ... you canot accept this, be prepared you never get it...(d) allow him the liberty and freedom to chose. and respect his decision... and you be prepared that you find your own itinery in the event his decisondoesn't include your involvement... sometimes we do need time and space away from each other... dun be a limpet... it's irritating.ok, stop here... maybe you can digest, and counter propose... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovehandle Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 This is so tiring (though i agreed it s supposed to be this way) , worst have to watch all the 5 series of Queer as Folk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 Phil, you die-hard romantic! Marad, I am only practical.It is more convenient for me since I live there... Egoist? Maybe...But anyway, a cruise dinner on the Seine is really romantic! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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