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Above 25 Yrs Old And Never Been Attached?

dreamer

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dreamer Newbie

dreamer

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I don't really know how to begin this but, i'm 28, turning 29, and i've never been attached. Ever. Not to a girl, nor to a guy (save for some primary/secondary school week-long BGR). I am starting this thread just to hear if there are people in the same situation as me, and if you knew why or ever pondered the reason(s).

I've not been actively seeking any relationship lately though I was still trying to go on dates with people from trevvy or fridae or grindr. And my friend did invite me to gay singles' parties and I have met up with one of the guys from the parties on a separate day for coffee etc. However, nothing ever worked out. Some guys like me, but I feel nothing for them and vice-versa with other guys. Some even asked to meet to get to know me and we end up having sex and nothing after that.

I've always shrugged off the idea that I'm picky; simply because I really do tend to meet quite a fair number of "wrong" guys who always have a hidden agenda (like wanting to have a date with me while i'm in my ns uniform, wtfness). I still do not think that I'm picky, simply because I just want to meet someone nice. Yes, NICE. What do I mean by that? Someone with a genuine heart - for others and not just for me (duh), someone who wants a companion and someone on my wavelength (and please, I'm not on some super high frequency).

I'm not Chinese, by the way, I'm of mixed parentage. However, that has in no way hindered my hopes of finding a partner within our country's population (though it was hard finding a decent conversation with anyone when I was younger). In fact I'm quite open to any culture - just that it might be hard to communicate with someone who is quite obviously very into his own ethnicity (eg. someone who is quite conservative in mentality/social interactions/behaviour of his own ethnic group/culture).

What I'm deliberating now is - should I just meet and settle for someone who is NOT nice? Meaning, someone selfish, rude, disgustingly discourteous with disregard for his own family and society, someone arrogant, pompous, racist - the likes - and just settle for having someone to have sex with regularly, and maybe inadvertently agree on an "open relationship" (not that i'm saying any of you with such a relationship would intend it in the same way) so that this "not nice" person might not have someone else to fxxk in his time of need and so I would be there for him as a pillar of support in some sordid way?

Gosh, this sounds fun already. Anyone in this state of being with an opinion you care to share? Hope to hear from you.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not here to offend anyone, by default, the confucian in me regards all of you as NICE. ok? :)

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Guest jayy

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What I'm deliberating now is - should I just meet and settle for someone who is NOT nice? Meaning, someone selfish, rude, disgustingly discourteous with disregard for his own family and society, someone arrogant, pompous, racist - the likes - and just settle for having someone to have sex with regularly, and maybe inadvertently agree on an "open relationship" (not that i'm saying any of you with such a relationship would intend it in the same way) so that this "not nice" person might not have someone else to fxxk in his time of need and so I would be there for him as a pillar of support in some sordid way?

No, of course not! Never settle for something less! Then you'll just be in a relationship for the sake of being in one...and we all know how that ends. I think you should just keep your options open, continue to make new friends and meet new people. Sooner or later, you're bound to meet someone you have good chemistry with :)

P.S. For the record, I'm almost 26, never been attached either.

Edited by jayy
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waterballoon Newbie

waterballoon

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never settle for something you don't like dude.

btw, i'll join the club 6 years later, haha.

 

 

"The two of us are living in the same era, believing in the same future

Yesterday’s tears and today’s smiles will stay true

We’ve experienced the same pain, we’ve gathered the same kindness

And we’ll turn them into the strength to live on tomorrow"

 

 

progress - ayumi hamasaki

 

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jarald~hermes Newbie

jarald~hermes

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People come n go... This is fact... But if the 2 r mend to b together, it will come someday...

Dun go attached blindly... It wun lead u to anywhere... End up u still b alone...

Go for date... If u think tat person I like jus let him now... C how things goes...

Hihi

Care to b frens, chat, fun buddy, long term relationship n mit up?

I'm sincere guy here, I'm not here to fool around...

Hope u r sincere too...

Life Time Relationship / Partner is still the main priority among wat I'm seeking...

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dreamer Newbie

dreamer

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thanks for all the replies!!

well i realise i am inviting responses where 1. people are against the idea of settling and 2. there are people in a similar situation minus the sex.

as for 1.

- i'm actually waiting for a "success story" or someone who holds the perspective that individuals can change with us or we change with that individual... i won't say that i am FOR the idea of trying to change someone to suit your needs/preferences, but, do you think it could work? like let's say there's this younger guy (like 21, 22?) who is rather arrogant and insensitive who likes me or at least is bothered to go out on dates with me (albeit i'm treating; but that's not the issue)... do you think i should just carry on, maybe develop it into a relationship and then see if he changes? then it would defeat the idea of "not settling," or would it not? (gosh i'm confusing myself!)

as for 2.

- i seriously didn't ask for the sex hor. it just happened. and it's not an issue either but i have to say i was rather irritated when i realli wanted to get to know a guy but he just wanted to get to know my ass. argh. I'M MORE THAN JUST A BOOTY CALL, DAMMIT!!!

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Guest jayy

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Actually I think trying to change someone when in an r/s is a recipe for disaster. If someone has to change the way the behave to suit your needs, it means they can't be themselves around you...which is supposed to be the point of an r/s right?

I think in a good relationship, both parties challenge each other to become better men than they were before the relationship. :)

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P_Drinker Newbie

P_Drinker

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this might seem out of point to some of u, but, it sucks when i'm already not attached (for like, FOREVER), finding it hard to find someone to date, ANDDDD straight guys come along craving for attention. those who do nice things for u knowing that u are gay, treating u like one of the girls. WTF. not helping.

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derryfawne Explorer

derryfawne

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What I'm deliberating now is - should I just meet and settle for someone who is NOT nice? Meaning, someone selfish, rude, disgustingly discourteous with disregard for his own family and society, someone arrogant, pompous, racist - the likes - and just settle for having someone to have sex with regularly, and maybe inadvertently agree on an "open relationship" (not that i'm saying any of you with such a relationship would intend it in the same way) so that this "not nice" person might not have someone else to fxxk in his time of need and so I would be there for him as a pillar of support in some sordid way?

Based on your description, I would personally say NO. Better be single than attached but bitter.

But then there is the grey area, i.e. people who might not be that perfect ideal boyfriend but whose flaws you can tolerate, because the better parts of him more than make up for his weaknesses. These are potential yes'es.

Actually I think trying to change someone when in an r/s is a recipe for disaster. If someone has to change the way the behave to suit your needs, it means they can't be themselves around you...which is supposed to be the point of an r/s right?

I think in a good relationship, both parties challenge each other to become better men than they were before the relationship. :)

I agree with you to a certain extent.

I don't believe in the "I am me and I'll always be what I am now" philosophy. We're social beings and we're constantly adapting to whatever is around us. It doesn't mean radical change, but we're still adjusting ourselves to our partner.

“Do not take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard

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dreamer Newbie

dreamer

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straight, married with kids colleague at work seems to be the perfect guy. sigh. have been flirting for two years with him. still nothing. i dunno how to make things happen cos we dont get a chance to go out... ok. what am i talking about rite? this is one thing i need to get over but i'm not getting over it. fxxk la. teasingly asked him to fetch me to work tmr.. he can still ask "what time and where? need to send my daughter to daycare and my wife to work, might have to rush"... sigh.

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dreamer Newbie

dreamer

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hey everyone i just got back from a work trip... was just thinking... what's a good way to MEET other single gay men? Personally I feel that clubbing is a convenient way for hookups and even if u do find a partner through clubbing, I don't feel that it's very secure.

so, especially those who found your special guy somewhere.... any suggestions? it doesnt have to be specific... can just suggest the nature of the activity? like a book club or an event or through friends? arts courses? :)

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razerz Newbie

razerz

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I am 35 this year and still a virgin... nvr been attached, din really go out and look for one. I dun even know how to kiss... tat is how bad my situation is... partly I am in denial and partly due to certain expectations that was castes upon me. only recently when I met my sworn brother then I realise I was in denial. I did reveal to him I was attracted to him, the feeling was mutual, but he.is attached. so we ended up becoming brothers instead. my first bj and Jo with another guy is with him. he even taught me.how to kiss and stuff (we did not have sex, as he is attached).......so ur situation is not as bad. I agree with wat the others said, dun compromise coz u just wanna be attached. like wat I have told my cousin to luv someone is to accept him for who he is, and not to mould him into wat u want him to be....

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dreamer Newbie

dreamer

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Thank you razerz :) Don't get me wrong... though I did mention I've never been "attached," I did come to (somewhere in my late teens) to a decision to settle for a 'relationship' that does not require officiating, ie, it can be mere companionship that is somewhat exclusive in that the feelings for each other in that companionship is mutual and not shared with someone else.

Please read the following with an open mind: I don't even mind being a little "kept boy" for a married man who actually loves me. Yes, he is married, he may even have children, and I might be physically sharing him with his wife (who might slit her wrists or go clinically depressed if she found out). However, his wife is not another man whom he exclaims his love to... so, in a way, I don't really need someone to call my "boyfriend," or "husband" nor to have any marker of ownership on someone... as much as it might break my heart someday, I'd like to think that even if I got into such a situation, it means that I have experienced love before. And to have experienced love, as painful as it might be at the end of the day, is (to me) better than never having experienced it at all?

Gosh... is "Breaking Dawn Part 1" fxxking my brains right now?? LOL

Anyway, the reason why I wrote this is that, it's charming to hear you found someone you are attracted to, who has mutual feelings for you. I felt so happy for you, when I read that line... sigh, so sweet! As much as it pains or disappoints you not to have him, isn't it beautiful to know you've found him, and even more beautiful that he's been there all along? :D

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razerz Newbie

razerz

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we have mutual feelings for each other, but he is attached.... so we can't do anything much more then that.... we dun even meet up often........... I even told him that even he is single, i will still not go for him, coz lovers in this circle wun last long, i rather see and love him as a brother, which we have promised each other to remind as brothers for 10 lifes (if u believe in reincarnation).......... we wanted to go jp after his relationship ended and sworned to be brothers for life...... letting go is hard.... very hard, but he is patient wif me on that... whenever convenient we would hug each other tightly, he would kiss my forehead and i would return a kiss on his cheek....... i have told him that towards him it is sayang （疼 in chinese）, and he replied towards me he feels sayang and cherish (疼惜 in chinese which he further elaborates it is 疼爱 ＋ 珍惜）

it is really painful to have someone u like, but cannot proceed further......... btw his partner is my cousin.........

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dreamer Newbie

dreamer

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sometimes i wonder... why must gay men, especially here, ALWAYS have a defeatist/fatalistic view on relationships. i have a friend, malay guy, attached to a chinese guy about 12 years older, for TEN YEARS and still going strong.

I think it's very much how much you believe it'll last. It's not something scientifically tangible - who's to say what lasts and what doesn't? don't count your chickens before they hatch!

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tgdly Newbie

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This is a genuine question and implies no judgment, but doesn't your definition of 'nice' include not subjecting his wife (and family) to an extramarital arrangement made without her knowledge or consent? I understand the point you are trying to convey about just wanting a genuine connection and not being particularly hung up on ... the heteronormative ownership paradigm (sorry for the pretentious bullshit, that was the best succinct descriptor I could think of), though.

I do not think a fatalistic view on relationships is necessarily confined to the gay male demographic. It's just with two guys marriage is less of an ironclad certainty and there's no shared HDB flat or pressure from the ticking biological clock or chance of the binding death grip of offspring, so it seems more pronounced, that's all. Although, could you really blame anyone for succumbing to fatalism or defeatism, after having been raised, without positive role models, in a conservative society that constantly reinforces the idea that what you feel is dirty and shameful and wrong, so wrong that the act of your love is still considered criminal, never mind what those godless heathens are doing now in New York or Europe. And I don't think all the overly idealised Hollywood destiny soulmate crap we've all been exposed to has helped, either. But then, even amidst all this bullshit and hate and outside forces doing their very best to convince them that their love is wrong, people still find each other, people still settle down, people still get together and stay together, even without squalling infants to force them to.

I guess what I was trying to say with that ridiculous tangent is -- give it time. And don't settle for someone you feel contempt for just to escape being alone, I don't believe that can ever work out in the long run.

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tgdly Newbie

tgdly

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I still have less than a year to go. Am 24 this year. Trying not to come across as too wanting. But then...

Yeah, it's an ironic joke, isn't it. You want something that really, most people are looking for in life, but first have to appear as though you don't give a shit either way to avoid seeming desperate, because things do not come to those who seem desperate, as a general rule. The universe is a fxxking circus that way.

But I will say this -- I think maybe too many people place unrealistic expectations on love. Love is all you need, love will save you, love will complete you, love will make you whole, etc. If you rely on external sources for validation your self-worth will always be dangerously tied to something (or someone) entirely outside of your control. Plus it puts pressure on your partner because your happiness and fulfillment rest on his shoulders. Love is not all we need. We need air, food, water, shelter, and plenty of other small, mundane, unromantic things. It might not even make you happy if you aren't already. Which is the second half of the joke, I guess.

(skip to 0:49)

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dreamer Newbie

dreamer

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i don't think everyone here feels that way... that love is all we need. yes, we're talking about how we don't have it but i don't sense anyone here talking as though they can't live without it or they're pining for it, cos it's the last piece of the puzzle etc. so i think u can hold your horses with all the "can all of u cut the crap" energy... ? :)

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tgdly Newbie

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i don't think everyone here feels that way... that love is all we need. yes, we're talking about how we don't have it but i don't sense anyone here talking as though they can't live without it or they're pining for it, cos it's the last piece of the puzzle etc. so i think u can hold your horses with all the "can all of u cut the crap" energy... ? :)

Obviously nobody really feels love is all they need; but sentiments that approximate that are definitely are out there. My point was only that there is a perfectly human tendency to put more on it than it might be expected to bear, to fill some void or complete some missing part of some imaginary whole. I certainly didn't intend to send out the "cut the crap" energy you perceived, and I wasn't commenting on you or anyone in this thread, just the human race in general. Insert obligatory smiley.

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dreamer Newbie

dreamer

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Obviously nobody really feels love is all they need; but sentiments that approximate that are definitely are out there. My point was only that there is a perfectly human tendency to put more on it than it might be expected to bear, to fill some void or complete some missing part of some imaginary whole. I certainly didn't intend to send out the "cut the crap" energy you perceived, and I wasn't commenting on you or anyone in this thread, just the human race in general. Insert obligatory smiley.

right. thank you then.

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Exynos Rising Star

Exynos

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i actually agree with tgdly. i think love is something we pretty all much want and need, but it's not that ultimate thing that will save our lives. when we try to stake our happiness on someone else, u put unnecessary pressure on the other person, and most importantly, when it all ends, what will be left of u?

the most important thing is to know who ui are, know the self, build it up to its best so u can love. because loving imo, is way more difficult than being loved. never lose the self. never lose who u are.

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Guest jayy

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as in more on the... just wish we wouldn't be alone thing? i get that, all the time.

but hey, when you're so special, different and talented... sometimes u just gotta be alone, for a while ;)

No, not really. If I'm not wrong, the topic starter simply asked if anyone is in his shoes (i.e. above 25 and never been attached) and has thought about the reasons why. It's not lamenting about said state of not being attached/ wallowing in self-pity.

As for myself I have pondered about this over the years. I've concluded that I just haven't met someone I have that perfect chemistry with. It gets tricky. Sometimes you might be in love with the idea of being in love with guy X....and not actually in love with him. Or you and guy X may be really compatible in bed...but nothing else? What if you've been lusting or obsessing over guy X, but not really in love with him? I've been in these situations so now I know if I'm walking into a trap.

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lonely57 Contributor

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As for myself I have pondered about this over the years. I've concluded that I just haven't met someone I have that perfect chemistry with. It gets tricky. Sometimes you might be in love with the idea of being in love with guy X....and not actually in love with him. Or you and guy X may be really compatible in bed...but nothing else? What if you've been lusting or obsessing over guy X, but not really in love with him? I've been in these situations so now I know if I'm walking into a trap.

its really hard to see whether one is truly in love with someone.

and prior to this forum ive always had crushes on straight guys so i guess thats just my luck.

that made me thinking if i will ever be attached ever.

and im still not attached =D LOL

i need more experience ):

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dreamer Newbie

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Am abit confused. This thread encompasses guys passed 25 yo or 25 yo and above? Hehe I'm abit slow in processing stuff.

Well, mostly, but it doesn't matter if you're not even 25 yet... it's just a forum :) your opinions, if worth reading (meaning, logical lah), are welcomed :) hehe

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dreamer Newbie

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No, not really. If I'm not wrong, the topic starter simply asked if anyone is in his shoes (i.e. above 25 and never been attached) and has thought about the reasons why. It's not lamenting about said state of not being attached/ wallowing in self-pity.

As for myself I have pondered about this over the years. I've concluded that I just haven't met someone I have that perfect chemistry with. It gets tricky. Sometimes you might be in love with the idea of being in love with guy X....and not actually in love with him. Or you and guy X may be really compatible in bed...but nothing else? What if you've been lusting or obsessing over guy X, but not really in love with him? I've been in these situations so now I know if I'm walking into a trap.

thanks Jayy :) it gets tricky, doesn't it? sometimes, somehow, i wish it were as simple (from the looks of it) as the romance our parents had back in the day... then again, that's straight romance. *ok i better stop there*

its really hard to see whether one is truly in love with someone.

and prior to this forum ive always had crushes on straight guys so i guess thats just my luck.

that made me thinking if i will ever be attached ever.

and im still not attached =D LOL

i need more experience ):

is it really about experience? i think i've mentioned before about a friend of mine (malay dude 29 this year) who had one 'relationship' which soured n turned out to be a mere fling for the other party, then he dated a chinese dude about 10 yrs older than him and they've been together for more than 10 years. very happy couple.

in my opinion, i don't think it's experience... it's partly luck, or just something in the unknown. i say 'partly' because we too have a part to play in it... you can't just sit at home everyday, cooped up in your own affairs, and hoping santa would stuff a ricky martin in your stocking, right?

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Exynos Rising Star

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okay then to answer the question. well truthfully and bluntly, i'm still single cos i'm fat. simple, lol. while here at shanghai, i often tell dates that i get rejected often at singapore cos the gay community is extremely superficial and fat guys just don't really stand a chance. that being said, that's quite a stupid assumption so i also feel that i'm too marvelous for most people.

yet ironically, while i met and got to know quite a few China men who could very well have the potential to be lovers, time just wasn't on my side. bad luck? fate? i don't know. i don't care. i only know i'm kinda immune to this, so...

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dreamer Newbie

dreamer

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okay then to answer the question. well truthfully and bluntly, i'm still single cos i'm fat. simple, lol. while here at shanghai, i often tell dates that i get rejected often at singapore cos the gay community is extremely superficial and fat guys just don't really stand a chance. that being said, that's quite a stupid assumption so i also feel that i'm too marvelous for most people. yet ironically, while i met and got to know quite a few China men who could very well have the potential to be lovers, time just wasn't on my side. bad luck? fate? i don't know. i don't care. i only know i'm kinda immune to this, so...

*hugs* we won't know but don't say "don't care" (as singlish as that sounds) :) my friends say it's my convenient excuse to say i'm single cos there's no fate, but i really do believe in fate. as for my other friends who 'pity' me for being single all along, they'd tell me it's not my time yet or the 'right one' hasn't come my way... my question is, how does one increase chances of finding that 'right one'???

is that another question that you leave to fate too? sigh, i need a ten year series on this... to sorta 'cheat' fate? lol

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Exynos Rising Star

Exynos

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*hugs* we won't know but don't say "don't care" (as singlish as that sounds) :) my friends say it's my convenient excuse to say i'm single cos there's no fate, but i really do believe in fate. as for my other friends who 'pity' me for being single all along, they'd tell me it's not my time yet or the 'right one' hasn't come my way... my question is, how does one increase chances of finding that 'right one'???

is that another question that you leave to fate too? sigh, i need a ten year series on this... to sorta 'cheat' fate? lol

i used to believe in fate. i used to think that maybe the right person will come. now, i dunno if i still believe in all that, but i know that maybe i should find something else to focus on. the thing is i'm only 19 so that's true maybe, but when i get older, say to your age, ... i wonder if such an excuse could still be used.

but anyway to increases changes, i suggest just coming out and making more friends, socializing etc... wouldn't kill to have more friends

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lonely57 Contributor

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okay then to answer the question. well truthfully and bluntly, i'm still single cos i'm fat. simple, lol. while here at shanghai, i often tell dates that i get rejected often at singapore cos the gay community is extremely superficial and fat guys just don't really stand a chance. that being said, that's quite a stupid assumption so i also feel that i'm too marvelous for most people.

yet ironically, while i met and got to know quite a few China men who could very well have the potential to be lovers, time just wasn't on my side. bad luck? fate? i don't know. i don't care. i only know i'm kinda immune to this, so...

haha.. im lying to myself when i say this but.. it doesnt matter that ur fat.. sometimes its just nice to hug someone who is fleshier then to hug some piece of bone such that when u sleep with him u might mistake him for ur bolster. im just wondering. when u slp with someone on the same bed. dont u have this feeling of wanting to hug him to sleep like a bolster? LOL

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Guest theOthertruth

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Now is also the time to get serious about relationships. And “serious” might mean walking away from a dating relationship that’s good but not great. Some of the most life-shaping decisions you’ll make during this time will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without. One of the only truly devastating mistakes you can make in this season is staying with the wrong person even though you know he or she is the wrong person. It’s not fair to that person, and it’s not fair to you.

This is taken from an article in regards to life in your mid-20s. I am at the stage where I would like to be in a serious relationship and as tempting as it seem, I am trying to stay away from potential flings & friends-with-benefits relations. It's just my personal choice. In the meanwhile, I'll continue to focus on my own self-improvement. I will be a liar to say that I do not feel anything when I see couples being affectionate(gay,straight,lesbian) in front of me.

But I will try not to let it get to me too much.

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Guest jayy

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my question is, how does one increase chances of finding that 'right one'???

I think you just gotta make more friends as mentioned above. Even amidst the refuse of the "intro/seek/stay/lets fxxk" crowd there are gems waiting to be unearthed. I mean since we aren't talking about puppy love. You wanna find something that has a real chance of lasting...I think you gotta know the guy real well first.

Disclaimer: If you read the above and you think this guy macam paham only.. well maybe its true. Considering I'm in the same situation as you, dreamer. ;p

Edited by jayy
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sum1outhere_03 Proficient

sum1outhere_03

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Hmms this is a pretty interesting topic that I thought I may wanna share some thoughts regarding your situation and maybe for the rest...

I do agree with the rest of them who stated this... Don't settle with something that is less than what you feel/think you want according to your "request". It could be pretty disastrous if you're not careful.

And for the rest of the guys (including myself), I've learned so far (from if you know, this person called Esther Hicks), here are some points you may want to take note while you're searching for that special someone:

You do not need to have a boyfriend in order to "feel good/ feel loved"; you need to "feel good/ feel loved" FIRST before the actual boyfriend comes along.

This, as Esther Hicks taught, is the way how you attract your future boyfriend out (anyone can test this... I'm still putting this into test too lol)

In other words, I think, you need to love yourself first, and get the feeling of love before you can allow your boyfriend to love you or vice versa. Have it in your mind first.

Also for the singles, don't keep thinking thoughts and bringing emotions like, "sigh, I don't have a boyfriend, why are others having one but I don't have, I'm so jealous about that". Being envious of coupled guys or thinking about why you're still single still will also not help you getting a boyfriend.

I'm saying this because I understand too with this as I'm being single and I struggle with the thoughts too... but as it's not going to help, I rather think of something that is of a higher frequency thought, such as I'm thankful that I have my friends and family who loved me. Constantly remind yourself that you need to love yourself and you have others who love you even when you don't have a boyfriend.

To sum up,

1) Get off your (negative) thoughts of you wanting a boyfriend badly.

2) Love yourself first and other close to you (like friends & family) before getting a boyfriend out there.

Hope this helps! :)

Will you be my valentine's? :D

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