Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy walks into a doctor's clinic

A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?" 

The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure." 
So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering." 

The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da- da-doctor?" 
"It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large penis - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with." 

The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?" 
"Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one." 
"Do it!" the guy replies. 

So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment. He says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my new, shorter penis.

I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on." 

The doctor says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da-deal!"
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Legless parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought
to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and letting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: How many?

Adam returned home late at night, and entered the front door with staggering feet. As soon as he saw his wife Stella, he ordered her to come with him upstairs as he wanted a screw immediately.

"What the hell Adam," said Stella, "How many have you had tonight?"

"Just the one." Adam replied in a slurred voice.

Stella said, "I can tell by your eyes that you've had more than one."

"Ok, two." Adam said, "But I didn't cum with the last one."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Her husband had been slipping ...

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck! 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sister on the highway...

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Optimist vs. Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Overboard

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do You Know Your Judgment Day?

Fellow 1 : “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too.”

Fellow 2 : “Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?”

Fellow 1 : “A judge told him.”
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. 

She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage. 
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth. 

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down: The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?" 

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde getting a haircut

A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a haircut.  She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.

the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. The stylist replied "ok".

after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. They were saying, "breath in, breath out"


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Obituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The Obit. Editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks thing over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: 1983 Pickup for sale."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Super Absorbed

A pediatrician is trying to put a 6-year-old patient, Timmy, at ease. He asks, "If you found a few dollars on the street, what would you buy?"

Without hesitation, Timmy says, "A box of Tampax." Surprised, the doctor asks why. "Well," Timmy says, "it says on TV that with Tampax, you can go swimming, horseback riding, and skating anytime you want to!"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: First Twitter Date

Brad: That was a great show. So.. did you want to come up to my place and check out my TweetDeck?

Betty: Ummm... I don't think so.

Brad: Well then how about my Twhirl pool?

Betty: Look.. you're a cute guy, but after seeing your Fail Whale this just isn't going to work!


 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Shoulda Said

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''

''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''

''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''

''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''

''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''

''Ruff!"

''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''

''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"


 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy gets on a plane and find...

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. 
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says,"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. 

So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy,  " What would you like to discuss?" 

"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. 
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. 
"That could be an interesting topic. 

But let me ask you a question first. 
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. 
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, 
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" 

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." 

"So tell me," says the blonde, 
"How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Winning toast

Patrick hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"

And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.

Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost it!

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.
The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.

The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh Goodness no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car dents

POSH takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The garage man, knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her.

"You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place."

So she takes the car home and tries it. David spots her from the house, opens a window and shouts: "You daft girl! You have to wind the windows up first!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car dents

POSH takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The garage man, knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her.

"You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place."

So she takes the car home and tries it. David spots her from the house, opens a window and shouts: "You daft girl! You have to wind the windows up first!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Late Bus

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'. 

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two football jocks taking an exam

Two college football players named Bubba and Jed were taking an exam in English Literature. They must pass this exam in order to fulfill the academic requirement. If they fail, they would be dropped from the college varsity team for the whole season.

The exam was relatively easy as it consisted mainly of fill-in-the-blank type of answers. However, Bubba was stumped by one particular item.

The statement read "Complete the nursery phrase ... Ol' MacDonald had a ______." Trying as hard as he could, Bubba could not think of the answer. Seeing the professor was busy reading a book, Bubba took this opportunity to ask his teammate Jed.

"Pssst, Jed," whispered Bubba. "What did Ol' MacDonald have?"

"Gosh, Bubba, that's easy!" said Jed. Looking to make sure the professor wasn't looking, Jed said, "A farm! Bubba! That's what Ol' MacDonald had. Even babies know that!"

"Oh! Right!" nodded Bubba as though it was at the tip of his tongue. But as he proceeded to write down the answer, Bubba stopped to ask Jed again in a low voice.

"Hey, Jed! How do you spell farm?"

"Jeez, you're so dumb, Bubba!" admonished Jed. "Every one knows farm is spelled 'e-i-e-i-o'."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The pickle slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for many years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did," he replied.

"My Goodness, Bill, what happened?" she asked.

"I got fired," he replied.

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she demanded.

"Oh... she got fired too."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The runner....

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. 

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." 

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" 

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Team Spirit

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" 

The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" 
The little boy nodded yes. 

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" 

Again the little boy nodded. 
"Good," said the coach. 
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Really Good Deed

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Unusual Vet

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A couple pulled into the drive...

A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his penis.

When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"

"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Smell the Coffee...

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead or Alive...

GENUINE COURT TRANSCRIPT...
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Strong Medicine

Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor. While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard. 

Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."

The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant." 
Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?" 
The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."


 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Yuppie Farmer

A yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and told the proprietor he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor.
"I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said.
"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied: "If I can iron out a few problems."
"Problems?" asked the proprietor.

"Yeah," replied the yuppie: "I think I planted that last batch too close together."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Submarine Ensign

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.
He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School. 

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Can You Help?

A couple days ago, I was crossing this bridge, and there was this character standing there with a cup in his hand.

 

He goes, Hey, can you help out my wife and family? I said, Sure. And I pushed him off the bridge.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The maids revenge...

Just after the maid had been fired. She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Did I say he was dead?

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The bad news...

Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.

"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" , Albert asks.

"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.

"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.

"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."

Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".

"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."

"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.

"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 little boys

Three little boys sitting on a porch. The first little boy says, "What would you do with a million dollars?"

 

The second boy said, "I'd buy that blue Cadillac over there."

The third little boy said, "I'd buy the pink Cadillac sitting over there."

 

Then the third little boy asked the first what he'd do with the money. The first boy replied, "I'd cover myself in hair."

 

The other two asked "why?" and he said because my sister has a (2" x 2") patch of hair and she owns both those Cadillacs!

 

Edited August 27, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Hypothetically Speaking

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man enters his local bar holding ...

A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?"

 

The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner."

 

The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000."

 

The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."
 

Edited August 27, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Victim's relative

Bob had just finished his course in journalism and joined a newspaper agency. His boss sent him out on field to get some exciting news. At one place, he saw a mob gathered in a tight circle. He learnt that there was a fatal accident. Bob tried to get inside the circle but could not. He had a bright idea and shouted: “Move over, move over, I am related to the victim.”

Immediately, the crowd made space for him. Pleased with his own quick wit, Bob proceeded and reached the spot and guess what?

He saw a donkey lying dead.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Thanksgiving Turkey

One Thanksgiving, a friend and I were walking down a main street in Albany when a man comes up to me and gives me a turkey and says, "Happy Thanksgiving!"

Without hesitation my friend knocks him out. I asked my friend why he punched the nice man. My friend said, "He gave you the bird!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A FARMER and his wife decided ...

A FARMER and his wife decided to hold a talent show for their animals in which each contestant would recite a passage from Shakespeare. The prize would be a big marquee with a glitter ball inside.

 

The pig performed a piece from Hamlet; the cow chose Richard III and the sheep picked MacBeth. After much deliberation the farmer and his wife picked the best entry, announcing: "Cow is the winner of our disco tent."

 

Edited August 27, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Barking Dog

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours. 
Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs. 

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?" 

Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how they like it!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sales call

Dean, an electronics salesman, makes a sales call and a little kid answers the phone.

Dean: Hello, little fellow. Can I speak to your mother?

Little kid : She is not at home.

Dean: Well, is anyone else at home?

Little kid: Ya, my sis.

Dean: Okay. May I speak to her?

Little kid: All right.

There was a long silence. Then:

Little kid: Hello?

Dean: Oh, it's you again. I thought you were going to call your sister.

Little kid: I tried. The trouble is, I can't get her out of the playpen.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Pretending to be a Lawyer

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.

After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

He said, "Why yes I am!"

She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Hearing aid...

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?

John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.

Mary: What kind is it?

John: Twelve-thirty

 

[worldangel]

Joke: To Do List

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.”

A few days later my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.”

Then my boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.”

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman goes into Wal-Mart...


A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

 

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

 

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

 

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is$2.50."

Edited August 27, 2016 by worldangel