Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The doctor...

The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy. 

"Fortunately" he continued, "this hospital has perfected the procedure, however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will therefore have to pay. 

We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing £30,000 and a male brain at £100,000" 

"Why is the male brain so expensive?" asked the patient. 

"Oh, that's easy, male brains are hardly used." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A police officer sees a man driving...

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." 

The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" 

The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Which bus...

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Shoot, I'm on the wrong bus!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A young blonde was on vacation...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. 

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cowboy in Theatre

A lazy cowboy went to the movies. As the usher guided him to his seat, he noticed that the cowboy sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.
He whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy moaned but didn't move. The usher warned again. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'll have no choice but to call the manager."

The cowboy just moaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the security. The security guy surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right fella, what's you're name?"

"Tex," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Tex?"
With pain in his voice Tex replied.... "The balcony."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Blonde walks into a Restaurant...

A Blonde walks into a Restaurant, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. The blonde is looking at the bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that said "Ocean Cruise Only 5$" She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper.

 

She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a newspaper. She nods to the black guy. He stood up and nocks the blonde unconcious.

 

When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her friends (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her. In a Joking manner blonde she looks at her friend and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"

The other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Polar Bear

2 polar bears are walking around in the artic. a father and son pair. The son looks at the father and says, " Dad i got a question, are u sure I am 100% polar bear?". The father looks at his son and says, "Yes son your 100% polar bear"

"OK" the son says

They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says: "Are you sure I am 100% polar bear?" The father again says, "Yes son you're 100% polar bear"

"OK" the son says

Then about 30 min later the son says, "OK dad be serious are you sure I am 100% polar bear are You sure there is no black bear or grizzly bar in me??" "Yes son your 100% polar bear, I am 100% polar bear and so is your mother. Why do u keep asking son?" The son says, "Well I don’t know about u but I am freezing"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: How good was I?

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.

There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, "So, how was I?"

She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Secretary

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary. Afraid of sexual harassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

 

So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?" Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde and a redhead met in ...

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. 
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.' 

The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.
So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.

The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Seems an elderly gentleman had...

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. 

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." 

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Money minded

Lance was talking to his friend Sheldon about his legal problems. Lance says, "I have a feeling that my lawyer is too concerned about making money."

Sheldon asks, "What makes you say that?"
Lance replies, "One of the items in his bill says: 'For waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about your case: $50'.

[worldangel]

Joke: Duck Hunting

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says: "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says: "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins: "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Silk Pyjamas

A man calls home to his wife and says,"Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.

 

This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes lots of Walleye, some Blugill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies.

"I did, they were in your tacklebox!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stagecoach

Kirk was telling his colleagues about a strange dream he had the previous night. He dreamt he was in the middle of action in the old west riding a stagecoach. All of a sudden, a cowboy riding a horse appears on the right side of the stagecoach and a horse without a rider pulls up on the left.

In a swift move, the cowboy bends down, pulls open the door of the stagecoach and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Kirk, confused by the events that were happening so swiftly, yelled out to the cowboy, "What do you think you are doing?"

The cowboy replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three convicts were on the way...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" 

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

[worldangel]

Joke: A police officer ..

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. 

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain." 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." 

"But officer, I just wanted to say...." 

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." 

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Strange...

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A college student picked up his...

A college student picked up his date at her parent’s home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, 

"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" 

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

 

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

 

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cowboy bragging

Three cowboys - Billy, Rex and Chuck - were drinking at the local bar. Billy said, "Did you hear that bugger Roy bought a new car. I bet he's going to start bragging about it the moment he enters this bar."
Rex said, "You should not be judgmental about him. Roy's a good lad. I am sure he's just gonna say a 'hi' when he walks in."

"I know Roy better than either of you," said Chuck. "He's a smart guy, he'll find a way to do both. Here he comes now."
Roy swung open the bar door and yelled, "Audi, fellas!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Banging pussy 

There were two prostitutes, one was very beautiful and the other was ugly. The beautiful prostitute used to make around $1,000-$3,000 a month but the ugly one made around $10,000-$13,000.
Confused to why the fuck the ugly one made more money than her, the beautiful prostitute went to the ugly one and asked her.

"Hey girl ! How are you? Looks like you're doing great, you bought a new car and an apartment, where did you get the money ?".

On this the ugly bitch replied. "Actually I play games with my customer and so I earn a lot, maybe more than you . What I do with my customer is that when we have intercourse I put a small firecracker in my pussy and when it blows up, I start shouting oh you blew up my pussy you bastard, scared that this may put them in trouble my customers end up paying me $500-$800 to get away".

Hearing this, the beautiful blonde prostitute went to the shop

to buy some firecrackers, but as the less power crackers were not available that day she bought a huge powerful firecracker and went to work.

While having intercourse she put the big bomb in her pussy and it went off with a huge bang. Then the prostitute started shouting as planned " You blew up my pussy ...You blew up my pussy".

On this the customer replied: "You bitch, the hell with your pussy, where the fuck is my DICK ".
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A bachelor asked the computer ...

A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate: "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activities." 

Back came the answer: "Marry a penguin." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: How was I born?

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Deaf Men in a Bar

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A professor of chemistry wanted...

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water.

 

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. 

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Breath Test

A man is driving down the road somewhat erratically. A cop notices this and pulls him over; he walks up to the window and says:

"Sir, I believe you're drunk. I'm going to administer a breathalyzer test"

Man, sheepishly: "Oh, I'm sorry officer, I'm a severe asthmatic, and I don't have my inhaler with me...if I blow into that thing I could have an attack and die"

Cop, a little distrustful: "Uh, yeah...well, this is more invasive, but if you won't submit to a breathalyzer, I'm going to have to take you down to the station and take blood"

Man: "Yeah, well, see, the thing is, I'm a terrible hemophiliac, and so I can't give blood...I might die"

Cop, clearly frustrated: "Alright buddy, well, this is imprecise, but I'm going to have to have you get out of your vehicle and walk this line heel-toe"

Man: "Oh, I'm sorry officer, I can't do that, I'm drunk."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The strong young man at the construction...

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

 

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Supersex

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

[worldangel]

Joke: Late Patrick

My colleague Patrick is not a morning person. His habit of getting up late in the mornings and arriving late at work would always land him in trouble at the office.

Our boss, Mr. Jenkins was getting increasingly mad at him and after reprimanding him, threatened to demote him if he didn't do something about it.

So Patrick visited his doctor for advice. The doc gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Patrick slept well, and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss", he said, "I went to the doctor and he gave me a medicine that actually worked!"
"That's all right" said Mr. Jenkins, "But where the hell were you yesterday?"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The loving wife...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walked into a bar, sat down...

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a guy in a bar one night ...

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said...

"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Late Patrick

My colleague Patrick is not a morning person. His habit of getting up late in the mornings and arriving late at work would always land him in trouble at the office.

Our boss, Mr. Jenkins was getting increasingly mad at him and after reprimanding him, threatened to demote him if he didn't do something about it.

So Patrick visited his doctor for advice. The doc gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Patrick slept well, and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss", he said, "I went to the doctor and he gave me a medicine that actually worked!"
"That's all right" said Mr. Jenkins, "But where the hell were you yesterday?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a...

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

 

Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.

 

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Family quarrel...

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family.

[worldangel]

Joke: Repair Estimate

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually it's my boss's idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a competition to cross...

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Skydiving...

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Big ethical dilemma

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.
She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.

On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A cannibal entered the meat market ...

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain. 

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats. 

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?

[worldangel]

Joke: A famous art collector is walk...

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. 

The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. 
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." 
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. 
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." 

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Potatoes!

One night there was three fugitives escaping from jail. One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a red-head. They had the police hot on their trail and quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.

 

When all three were inside the red-head, quickly thinking said they should all hid in old potatoe sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory. They all got in their little potatoe sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.

 

They looked at the sacks and said 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these' The officer kicks the Red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises. 'Hmm just puppies in that sack' The officer kicks the Brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises. 'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and he hears.... 'POTATOES POTATOES!'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One day, a guy went into a store...

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.

He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.

The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.

He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.

As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.

He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.

He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.

The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds".

The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Money in a jar

A guy walks up and sees a jar of money in a bar.

The Barman says you need to do 3 things to get all the money.

1. He points over to a big guy, 6'9" 280 lbs. You have to walk up to him and knock him out in one punch.

2. Pull a tooth out of a rottweilers mouth.

3. Screw a 70 year old lady.

He walks over to the big guy and knocks him out in one punch.

He takes the dog in the bathroom and all you hear is yelling and screaming.

He comes out all bloody and says, "Now where is that 70 year old lady I have to pull the tooth out of?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The new lawyer...

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone.

He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking...

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million..."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support..."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details..."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.

Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company...I came to hook up your phone."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A schoolteacher asked her primary six class...

A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense. 

There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them... "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: This blonde decides one day the ….

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

[worldangel]

Joke: Sam has been in business for 25 years

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5... 
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." 
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too." 
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us". 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Diagnostic Machine

A man without medicare or medical insurance injured himself playing tennis and couldn't afford to go to the doctor. A friend of his told him there was a wonderful new diagnostic machine at the drugstore and suggested he try it out.

So the man went down to the drugstore and poured the required urine sample into the machine. The machine whirred and hummed for fifteen seconds and spit out a piece of paper. The piece of paper said: You have tennis elbow. Here's how to treat it...

The man treated his tennis elbow according to the directions and it improved immediately. He was very impressed with the diagnostic machine but decided he was going to find out just how good it was, and if it could be fooled.

So he gathered and mixed together his own urine sample, his wife's, and some of his dog's feces. Then for good measure he masturbated into the cup.

He took this mixture down to the drugstore and poured it into the machine. The machine then whirred and hummed for five minutes. Just when he was thinking he'd broken it, out came the diagnosis.

It said:

Your dog has worms.

Your wife is pregnant, but don't worry, it's not yours.

And if you don't quit jerking off, you're never going to get rid of that tennis elbow.