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I had read various posts and had conversations recently about relationships. Some individuals have no idea what they want ("just wan boyfriend loh"), then unsurprisingly have trouble finding it. Some couples seem to have no expectations and coast by, until one half of the couple suddenly has an inkling this isn't working anymore, and then the whole thing destructs (cue Channel 8 drama). Some find utter magic and develop it into something that could only be described as surreal or spine tingling in terms of chemistry and perspective. I read their accounts with a mix of reverence tinged with both admiration and jealousy. I desire this latter category of relationship, but feel at times I have struggled to evolve such a reality. I wonder why? Not for lack of trying.
I had considered many things over the course of a long time dating, perhaps to the point of it becoming its own strange hobby or experiment. But hey, if I am having the experiences (a novel in itself, rest assured!), I might as well learn from them, right?
First, through much challenge, effort, soul-searching, and utter failure many times, the desired characteristics in a partner, in shortlist:
Flexible, self-actualised, well-rounded, thoughtful, fit (not necessarily gym bunny, but maintained), confident, empathetic, mature, intelligent, travel savvy, romantic, honest, trustworthy, resourceful, international in outlook. Not necessarily defined by career, money, family, or friends. Thinks for oneself and independent. Recognises life's more than societal constructs, that we are born into freedom and into a universe of possibility. Passionate about achieving something positive for themselves and in the larger world around them. Compassionate, kinky, considered, interested, curious, creative, delving. If I could get 80% of that, it would probably do. I'm not perfect, he wouldn't be either. That would probably keep things interesting anyway.
I also knew what I *DIDN'T* want and actively needed to screen for-- and my god, on apps, websites, and even in person, the stuff that turns up sometimes is otherworldly:
The self-destructive, confused and closeted bisexuals and/or married types (that's generally someone who is going to walk out on you, from my experience, as their priorities were already elsewhere), anyone who already has a partner or unresolved "its complicated" partner-like situation (ditto), careeraholics, the discretion obsessed, people not height/weight proportionate (nobody's perfect, but please at least try like I do), pathological liars, anyone describes themselves as "boring" "bored" or anything similar (it is the brand of the uninspired), "simple" people who really aren't simple (and they never are, so let's just be honest shall we...), mood swingers, anorexics, those messaging with just the word "seek?" (you feel me on this, I know it...), people just breezing through town looking for a hookup, students home on holiday, escorts and money boys--- in short, all the unhealthy time wasting distractions that circumstances can regurgitate.
Second, a visualisation of what the "ideal relationship" would or should look like (read: not that it wouldn't ever have its own rainy day, but something to at least aim for; again, informed by all the stuff that DIDN'T work in the past):
Concentrated, communicative, synergistic, growth-oriented, embracing, thought provoking, discovering, erotic, productive, effective, loving, considerate, complimentary, honest, realistic, engaging, present/undistracted, reinforcing, achieving, accomplishing, building, doing, seeing, trying, exploring, loyal, evolving, adapting, curious, supportive, iterative, driven, and functionally strong. There would inevitably be hiccups, long discussions/negotiations, and recalibrations required but, that is the gist.
And then I came across another person's interpretation, which I think also reinforces what I already envisaged:
"Growth-based relationships are mutually supporting. They are entered into by mature, self-reliant individuals who take responsibility for their lives, as individuals and as partners in a relationship. Each is dedicated to the growth of the other as well as his or her own. Growth-based relationships don't just happen. They are created by people who know themselves and what they want. Being in touch with their own desire to express their best, each partner recognizes and supports that desire in their mate. Because they themselves are risk-takers, they are supportive of the risks their partners take and understand the vulnerability of the creative life. These individuals are working on themselves as whole people, not halves of a relationship. They know that 1/2x1/2 = 1/4, not one. They also know that 1+1 = 3 if the right effort is made."
Beautiful, clear, simple. And 99% of the gay world has no idea what you are talking about. Fabulous screening tool, or set-up for mission impossible?
So, there-- the "who" and the "what" of the desired picture, the relationship "ideal".
The kicker is then the "how", the conjuring, the operationalising of all that.
Now here's the thing. I have come close-but-not-quite-cigar to getting the above ideal on many occasions. It's almost as if the universe threw darts repeatedly at the bullseye on my behalf, but missed continuously for comedic emphasis.
The current relationship I have I feel has a good combination of many of the things I had imagined (really, a good guy as far as I have seen thus far), but at times still seems to lack a coherence and direction to it-- and not for lack of trying on my part, perhaps his too. I keep wondering to myself: ok, so how much of the "magic" that others discover is something painstakingly nurtured and developed, and to what extent are all the right cards inherently on the table to begin with between the two people involved, just needing the right shuffle?
Do I/we try to further develop this? Can I/we realistically develop this? Are we really growing together? Has it reached its own sort of plateau already? Or will it turn some bold new corner as some complicated details of life get further sorted out? If so, what might that take? Or do we ride this some months down the road until we both realise we are on the train to fizzlesville-- or worse, divergent junctures-- once more?
Before this whole thing started, I had no expectations. A date was a date, I could be alone, single, and enjoy so many things on my own in life. I had not an intention to make the singledom the status quo per se, but neither was I attempting to cling to the first thing with a pulse that walked through the door ticking a few boxes. It was to be a "no" until he was really a "fuck yes!". I had learned from what had been done already, tried and tested. Or so I tell myself.
So here we are, a year on into the current relationship. I ponder the milestone, reality check myself against the ideal prescribed while trying not to lose a footing in the here-and-now, and try to find a measured, grounded way to determine progress. Or slap myself into sobriety lest I have gone down yet another deviation from the road desired.
To those brave, patient, and committed to have read this far, I ask you:
From your own experience, constructively speaking, what do you make of this? Can you relate?
Have you had any similar experiences, be they successes or failures? What have you learned?
If you were successful, what made the chemistry work, and what did that ultimately feel like for you?
If at times you compromised, in what areas were the compromises fair and reasonable ones you both could live with?
Did you find to get the dynamic you wanted in a relationship? And to get the right person to "materialise", did it take a process that was almost magical in some way to manifest? If so, what did that process involve on a personal level? What state of mind and consciousness were you in?
I know there are some absolute gems of people spinning about on this website in spite of all the sleaze and trolls, so I hope they will come forward. If a personal message or side conversation is better in light of sensitivities, feel free.
(and to all the would-be lurking trolls: back under your bridge goddammit, don't you shit anywhere near this)
By Guest Wonderbf
So, recently I caught my boyfriend sending private messages over IG to some guys we both know. I one message to a friend, he said things such as "I can wait for you in bed every night" and in another message to another friend, he called this friend "I have forgotten how sexy and cute you look". I am not too sure if I am being sensitive or he is being too flirty. The former is attached already as well. I have been attached for two years and we did talk about it before, but he thinks I'm being way sensitive and his words mean nothing.
What do you guys think?
By Loves human dick
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