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A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)


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A Joke to chase the Monday Blues away :P

A blonde walks into an electrical appliance store and says: " I would like to buy that TV please".

The store clerk replies: " I'm sorry, we don't do business with blondes."

So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said:" I would like to buy that TV please".

The store clerk, once again, replies:" Sorry, we don't do business with blondes." The blonde replied:" How did you know I was blonde?"

The clerk says:" Because that's a microwave oven, not a TV." :D

P.S. No offence to anyone who is blonde, just a joke :D

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Here's my contribution. Got it through fren via e-mail.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Be careful what you over hear.....

NO SPIKA DA INGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come togetta.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come togetta again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,"retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country.......we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell

'Mississippi'."

我有煙但係邊個有火。。。

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I got lots of jokes too,maybe some guys had heard it b4,here it goes - Boarding the bus :

A lady was carrying her baby with her,boarding the bus.As she was paying,she noticed the bus driver kept looking at her.Then the bus driver just laugh very loudly her.She was very angry and have no idea why the driver did that.But she try to calm herself down and went to sit down next to a stranger :

Stranger : (Seeing her so angry,ask her) : what happen ?

Lady : I don't know,the driver must be crazy.He kept laughing and looking at me.What's wrong ? He's so rude.

Stranger : Yea,he is really to much.See! He is looking at the mirror and laughing again.

Lady : I can't stand it too,must get his name and complain.

Stranger : You should! You should go there and tell him off now too.

Lady : Ok,I'll do it now.

Stranger : Wait! B4 you go,let me carry yr monkey face baby for you.

The end :P

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Ok... Xmas jokes:

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

"But why?, " they asked, as they shuffled away........

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

It’s midnight on Christmas Eve, and a five year-old Luke Skywalker is fast asleep, but suddenly awakened by a crash and a cloud of soot coming from the fireplace. From down the chimney stepped … not Santa, but Darth Vader!

“Luke”, breathed Vader. “See that gift over there under the tree? That’s a cuddly Ewok, that is.”

“Stop!”, cried the infant Luke. “You’re spoiling the surprise!”

“Luke, that one there is a brand new light sabre”, Vader continued.

“Don’t tell me”, said Luke, clamping his hands over his ears.

“Luke, the really big one is a replica of the Millenium Falcon”, Vader concluded.

Luke tearfully asked, “How do you know what Santa’s brought me?”.

Vader replied, “Luke - I have felt your presents”

When I was young, Rudolf Larsson, lived across the road from us. He was a retired Norwegian sea captain and had long flowing flame red locks and a full beard. No-one in the neighbourhood ever went on holiday or arranged a wedding without consulting Captain Rudi because his weather forecasts were always accurate."My daughter's getting married on August 17th" - "Make sure that the outside photos are taken before 3 o'clock as it will rain at about 3:30 but only for one hour". "Late spring holiday? Just a bit colder than usual but no rain". I have never known him to be wrong!

I must have been about 8 or 9 when I asked Mum, "How can Captain Rudi tell what the weather will do?

"Well, son......................... Rudolf the red knows rain, deer!"

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A Joke for Tuesday :D

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

:D

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One of my fav Ah Beng Joke for Wednesday, I'm still laughing even when I read it twice already :D

Ah Beng's Job Interview

Ah Beng went for an job interview for a sales job. When the manager saw Ah Beng's colourful attire, his mind screamed, "Not this man!!"

Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Beng. So he told Ah Beng, "If you can form a sentence using the words I give you, then I will give you a chance!"

"The words are "Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black".

Ah Beng thought for a while and said "I heard the phone go green, green, and then I went to pink up the phone and said Yellow. Blue's that? White did you say? Aiyah, wrong number. Don't purplely disturb people and don't call Black, ok?"

Ah Beng got the job. :D

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Ah Lian Joke For Thursday :D

One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and want to get

down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the

number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As they not

English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what does the letter G

mean. Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When they finally

reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the

first Ah Lian,"Wah lao, So Crever!!!, how you know one?" The first Ah Lian reply

smugly, "Easy lah.. G for Gero mah..." :D

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How about that Ah Lian who was in the final of the Miss Malaysia beauty contest?

She was asked by the MC to name a fruit beginning with the letter "L" and after pondering for a while, screamed out....."Liu Lian"!

The MC sympathising with her lack of knowledge of the English language decided to give her another chance and asked her to name a fruit beginning with the letter "A".

Immediately with confidence this time, she answered "Ang Mo Tan".

Malaysia being Malaysia, she won the contest anyway.

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This story was told by a nurse...and she swears this really happened on her ward.

A man suspected of SARs is lying in bed with a mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr ******, I'm only here to wash you r face and hands." He struggles again to ask,

"Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?".

Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!"

At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again, "I SAID.... Are my

TESTS RESULTS BACK .....!! ???"

You get more things done with sugar than with vinegar.

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Joke for Friday-TGIF!!! :)

One day, there is an American, one Italian, a Singaporean and Bangladeshi

travel around on a private helicopter.

After about one hour travelling, the American take out his cigarette

(Dunhill) lighted it up and start smoking after two sip, he throw out the

balance of the cigarette.

The others three persons surprise and ask " Why didn't you finish-up the

cigarette before throwing ?

" He reply arrogantly " there are a lot of cigarette in my country".

Half an hour later the Italian take a bottle of branded perfume and apply

on him and the rest he throw out of the window. The other three persons was surprised and ask "Why did you throw away the perfume ? ". .

The Italian reply also "there are alot of perfume in my country"

The Singaporean don't know what to do & suddenly push that Bangladeshi out

of the helicopter.

The American and Italian shouted crazily

"Why did you push him !!!!!!!?????? " .

The Singaporean say slowly "There are a lot of Bangladeshi in my country ". :D

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Guest Be Careful What You Wish For

There lived a wishing cave somewhere in China. Many believers had gone in and came out with their wishes fulfilled. It was a simple procedure - one needed to go into the cave and shouted out loud his/her wish and within seconds, the wish was granted.

There were 3 not-so-beautiful chinese sisters. Influenced with the beauty of beautiful faces, they wanted to change their life to live as beautiful girls. They had heard of the wishing cave and made a trip knowing that their looks will be envied by others soon.

Each of the sisters had to go inside the cave alone. It was decided that the eldest sister to have her chance first. Happily, she entered the cave and shouted loud that she wanted to look like the beautiful Gong Li. Within seconds, she got her transformation.

As she walked out of the cave, the other 2 sisters were so thrilled to see how beautiful their eldest sister had become. Next, the second elder sister had her turn. Inside the cave, she shouted to be Zhang Ziyi. She too had her wish granted.

The youngest could not wait any longer for her lifetime chance. When she saw the second sister walked out of the cave, she dashed in quickly. She ran so fast, her heart was full of excitement. She knew what she would ask for. Just as she was reaching at the wishing spot, she tripped and felt. The next thing that happened was her loud shout, "cheeeeee B*********!"

[so readers, figure out :oops: :D ]

Have a good weekend ahead!!

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A Miss Singapore Joke for the Weekend :D

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"

Miss USA: Lamp

Miss Malaysia: Light bulb

Miss Singapore: LADIO

Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lion

Miss Malaysia: Leopard

Miss Singapore: LABBIT

Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question incorrectly, you are disqualified.

Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lemon

Miss Malaysia: Lychee

Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lung (applause)

Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)

Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU

Judge: ?????????!!!! :D

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Sunday Joke :D

Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia got involved in an argument. Char Siew Pao got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia, "I'm going to find my gang to hantam you!"

So Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow.

Just then, Maggi Mee walked around the corner. Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up.

As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, "Don't think just because you perm your hair, we can't recognize you, okay!" :D

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A Miss Singapore Joke for the Weekend :D

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"

Miss USA: Lamp

Miss Malaysia: Light bulb

Miss Singapore: LADIO

Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lion

Miss Malaysia: Leopard

Miss Singapore: LABBIT

Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question incorrectly, you are disqualified.

Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lemon

Miss Malaysia: Lychee

Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lung (applause)

Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)

Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU

Judge: ?????????!!!! :D

Huh? Shouldn't it be Ms Malaysia AND Ms Singapore doing the "L" bits wrongly? You mean Ms Malaysia would be better off??

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A Joke to chase away the Monday Blues..holiday mood liow :D

Jumping on dad

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!" :D

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Joke for Tuesday

A lawyer married a woman...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

' 'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'

'Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband#10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.... God! I miss him!!!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!'

'Good,' said the lawyer, 'but, why?'

'Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!' :D

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Another Ah Beng Joke for Wednesday :D

Ah beng was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10

This is what he came up with

1 fine day I go 2 climb up a 3 bed-room apartment to peep. After being seen by the couple in the room, I got panic and had a great 4. The man rushed out and had a 5 with me. I run away to 6 for help. End up running into 7 eleven, I grab some 8 and throw at him and pull out a 9 to stab at him. And 10 hor ...10 hor... 10 .... he die lor.. :D

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Another Ah Beng Joke, hope you wont mind :D

During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.

That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.

The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.

Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.

Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."

Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."

"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself

"Aim..."

"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! " :D

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A Joke for Friday...TGIF! :D

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need"), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am coming...". :D

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Saturday Joke :D

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.

The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home his wife was naked in bed ready fo him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. When he felt the urge he fired the pistol. The next day he went to the doctor and the doctor asked him how it went

He said, "Not to good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands up, naked." :D

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Some advance Christmas Jokes for you as I will be away for the holiday, Ho Ho Ho Merry Xmas to everyone! :D

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Answer: Frostbite.

Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

Answer: Ribbon hood.

Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Answer: Claustrophobic.

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Answer: Snowflakes.

:D

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More Christmas Jokes for Christmas :D

SANTA'S PICK UP LINES

I know when you`ve been bad or good -- so let's skip the small talk, sister!

Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>

I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!

That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you! :D

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I'm back from my holiday, more jokes for Wednesday :D

Now That's What I Call Guts

Ministers from USA, UK and Singapore were travelling on a warship that was cruising near S.Arabia. The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were when their cordial discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own soldiers.

The Pres. of USA said, "let me show u what is guts", where upon he called his Colonel and said "Jump into the sea and swim 3 rounds around this ship!".

The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", and jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 3 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like mad!

After the successful 3 rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam Mr. President!". The proud US President replied "That's what I call guts!".

The Prime Minister of UK became aggressive and quickly called his General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds around this ship!".

The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir", and jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 10 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him frantically.

After the successful 10 rounds the 3-star General came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!". The proud UK PM replied "That's what I call guts!"

The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot control himself. He had to show that his soldiers have it too. He called one of his Private and said "Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 15 rounds around this ship!"

The Private replied "Oi, you siao (crazy) izzit?" I juz bought my 4-room and I am paying through my nose. Now, U want me to jump and die, eh? If u want to hao lian (show off), you jump into the sea yourself!

The Singapore PM smiled and said "Now,that's what I call guts!". :D

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Some Dear Ah Beng Letters Jokes for Thursday :D

Dear Ah Beng,

You know ah, all my friends say, my daughter go out with ang mor very good, very high class. Then next time I can visit America and stay in their big house. The problem is, the ang mor say ah, wedding the girl's family must pay for everything you know.

Like that very loo gee for me you know. I invest so much money in my daughter then wedding still got to pay. How like that? You think I should let her marry the ang mor or not?

Jin Kiam Siap

Dear Kiam Siap,

Don't worry about the wedding. You must think long term. In America, they have this very good thing called the divorce settlement. After your daughter marries him, half of what he owns belongs to her. So you will get half of his big house, his car, and everything else.

So if he wants you to pay for the wedding, say can. Then you and daughter just need to wait a few years, then she can divorce him and you can collect money already. Repeat as many times as you need until you get enough for your retirement.

Good Luck!

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I have been conducting this internet relationship with this girl for the past few months. I really, really like her and look forward to our chats a lot. Recently, I asked for her photo, but she din'ch wan to give me, saying why are looks important?

The most important thing is we get along so well. What she says makes sense, but why do I still feel like I need to know what she looks like?

Showmeleh

Dear Showmeleh,

People always say that on the internet hor, is when people are the most honest, when they no need to be concerned about their looks lah, their income lah, all these surface things. I agree. So I will also be very honest with you: your friend is not giving you her photo probably because she is either si beh argly or a man.

Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

Every year, my wife wants to throw a Christmas party. I'm really not in the mood to spend another stupid year making small talk with her stupid friends, spending money on some stupid ang-mor bird that tastes like substandard chicken.

And dumb decorations that make my house look like a log cake. How do I get her to stop this irritating tradition in a polite and non-confrontational way?

Hubby

Dear Hubby,

Just ask her whether you can invite some friends to her party, and then call some char bors from Geylang Lorong 69 to come over. She will bao want to stop the party, but you may just want to keep going. Especially since the birds will taste much better this year.

Ah Beng

:D

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Joke for Friday..TGIF!

Broken Lift

SENG, Beng, and Heng were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite at the top of a 75-storey skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the lifts in the hotel had broken down and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Seng said to Beng and Heng: 'Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.

'I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Beng can sing songs for 25 flights, and Heng can tell sad stories the rest of the way.'

At the 26th floor, Seng stopped telling jokes and Beng began to sing.

At the 51st floor, Beng stopped singing and Heng began to tell sad stories.

'I will tell my saddest story first,' he said.

'I left the room key in the car!' :D

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Joke for Saturday :D

Dear Ah Beng,

I am a Filipina maid. My Sir and Mum always want me to clean the windows of their 12th storey flat. There is no way to clean the outside other than leaning out the window.

It is very dangerous and I am very scared of falling out. But my Sir and Mum get very angry if I don't. What can I do?

Defenestrata

Ah Beng replies........

Dear Defenestrata,

Wah, damn chia lat. Acherly, I also don'ch know why Singaporeans want to clean their windows. Maybe you can persuade your Sir or Mum that leaving the windows dirty is a good thing. If windows dirty, then can walk around the flat naked, mah. If clean-clean, then some kaypoh neighbour sure kao peh kao bu, then you kena saman. But then, depending on what your Sir or Mum look like, maybe the sight of them naked might make you jump voluntarily.

You maybe also want to tie yourself tight-tight to something solid if you have to lean out. Of course, you could always break the windows. Then got nothing to clean, mah. But then, it makes it easier for your Sir or Mum to throw you out. Aiyah, why not just run away and come work for us at Geylang Lorong 69? At least here, the Sirs pay you for the extra service. !

Ah Beng

:D

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Edited my Joke for Sunday, becos someone said I keep posting Bengs jokes, becum too Beng liow :D

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob". :D

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Advance joke for Monday 1 January 2007 as I will be counting down elsewhere. Happy New Year Everyone! Stay happy and cheerful always! :lol:

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fxxking perch." :D

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A married couple was lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp

on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his

wife and

fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very

short intervals before turning back to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her

husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of

him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay. "The

husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing?

Seconds before his death he says...

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."

You get more things done with sugar than with vinegar.

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A Bonus Joke for the coming New Year :D

Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together.

The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.

The robbery begins.

The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," he said.

He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes, two minutes pass...seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.

About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.

The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the guys are getting away, the first lover says "I thought you understood the plan!"

The second lover said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," he replied. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!" :D

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Joke for Tuesday 2 Jan 2007 :lol:

A mother told her little girl:

"If someone sexually harass you by touching your top part, you must say 'DON'T!'. Touching your lower part you must say 'STOP!'".

The next day, the little girl came back home and told her mother she was sexually harassed.

The mother was very angry and asked if the little girl rejected that man by doing what she taught her.

The little girl gave an innocent look and nodded her head and said, "That man touched my top and lower part at the same time, so I said 'DON'T STOP!..'. :D

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Joke for Wednesday 3 Jan 2007, a new working day for most of us, at least there is only 3 working days this week! :lol:

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her. :D

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Joke for Thursday 4 Jan 2007 :lol:

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either." :D

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Joke for Friday 5 Jan 2007 TGIF! :lol:

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says:"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed." :D

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Joke for the weekend Sat 6 Jan 2007 :lol:

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for.

"Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box".

Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?"

"Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them." :D

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Joke For Sunday 7 Jan 2007, hope you all are enjoying ya weekends ;)

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..." :D

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Subject: Beauty treatment

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While

on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another

43years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and

change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured

she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing

the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40

years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

:D:lol:

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Advance Joke for the coming Monday 8 Jan 2007 ;)

There was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off."

:D

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Additional Joke to chase away the Monday Blues :rolleyes:

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!" :D

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Joke for Tueday 9 Jan 2007, yay! we finally made it thru Monday :lol:

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is four years old. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine-year-old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?"

The nine year old says, "They're for my four year old little brother."

The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother?"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!" :D

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  • G_M changed the title to A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)
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