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A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)


LupCheong
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I think you missed out the punch line :

God said "Wow. It's you ? I couldn't recognize you !"

Oops ...... Sotong, I think I missed the punchline & last sentence while copying. Thanks :thumb:

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Guest Exposing Heartlander
Anytime, just don't chase me away like Heartlander was..I'm sure many of us missed him and his stories  :(

He was chased away? I kinda missed his stories too... :(

Hello Lup Cheong, you better get your facts correct ok. Nobody chased Heartlander away. He crawled away in shame for being exposed for writing stories that involve sex between adults and young boys.

The truth of the matter was only one of his stories was quarantined by OralB and later there were alot of heated discussions about what he wrote till someone cut and paste some of Heartlander's stories from Hong Lim Park Forum describing in explicit details of older men having sex with young boys.

http://bw2.9.forumer.com/index.php?showtop...&hl=heartlander

He then deleted ALL of his stories that he posted and that is the last we have seen of him.

Well, if you write stories of matured men having sex with young boys you will be chased away too. But the fact remains he left on his own, deleting everything he had posted here (btw, it was probably copied from his numerous stories at HLP forum).

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It's people like you that makes our life as PLU so much harder. Yes I know peodophilia should not be encouraged but by being so harsh, you are no different from a homophobic person that attacks PLUs. We just need to be more open-minded and forgiving in this society to make this world a better place. :(

"To err is human; to forgive is divine." -- Alexander Pope

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Just to set the record str8, we have no issue with heartlander as a person. In fact his articulate story telling ability drew quite a number of fans here.

However we do have objection on one of his stories that had explicit sexual descriptions with a minor. While we do not have many rules, a few of the principals we do keep a firm stand, for example we advocate safe sex, absolutely no drugs and no underage sexual activities.

We quarantine that story, followed by some heated discussions between supporters and detractors. We explained our stand and the decision to lock that story, but in general, we still welcome heartlander to post here, as long as he doesn’t touch on the taboo subject.

When the dusts died down, heartlander posted his last posting and subsequently deleted all his stories in the forum.

This is what happened during the heartlander saga :P however if you have been following the board, his spirit is never gone :)

:thumb: When I Think It, I Do It, I Win It! :thumb:

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Lup Cheong, homophobia is an aversion to homosexuality, an attitude. ignoring it doesn't bring any harm to anyone. paedophilia is a crime. you can't ignore and be indifferent to it. you have to take a stand. you have to be harsh, to say the least. so please don't equate homophobia to paedophilia. i suggest you stick to your jokes. at least it is appreciated.

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Some Signs that might indicate that you are an Ah Beng Jedi :D

1. Your Jedi Robe has Hello Kitty on it. :D

2. You've ever used your light sabre to trim your fingernail. :D

3. You've draped a T-shirt over the seat in your X-wing fighter, and also have a Garfield tissue box in the rear window. :D

4. You Father has told you : "Eh, lai Dark Side leh! Si beh ho sng!" :D

5. You've been encouraging Chewbacca to go to your friend's 'saloon de beau' to get a perm. :D

6. You like racing the Millennium Falcon along the TPE late at night. :D

7. You can't remember whether Ben Kenobi's name was 'Obi-wan' or 'Or-bi-good'. :D

8. You light sabre plays polyphonic and mp3 ring tones whenever you activate it. :D

9. You've been encouraging Princess Leia to wear bell bottoms with six-inch high platforms flip-flops. :D

10. During Jedi Council meetings, you're the only one squatting. :D

11. You've ever used the Jedi mind trick to 'sian char bor' at discos. :D

12. You engaged Phua Chu Kang to build the Death Star. :D

13. Your R2D2 unit doubles as a karaoke DVD player. :D

14. You have ever used the Force to improve your billiards scores. :D

15. During the Cantina scene, you were the only one ordering ABC extra stout. :D

16. You address Jabba the Hut as "Pooi eh!" :D

17. Every week, you bet the licence plate number of the Millennium Falcon on 4D. :D

18. You regularly bid people goodbye with 'Nah, ho ler Force'. :D

19. You always giggle when you hear that Princess Armidala came from the Planet Naboo. :D

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It's people like you that makes our life as PLU so much harder. Yes I know peodophilia should not be encouraged but by being so harsh, you are no different from a homophobic person that attacks PLUs. We just need to be more open-minded and forgiving in this society to make this world a better place. :(

"To err is human; to forgive is divine." -- Alexander Pope

I believe that was quoted from God.

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Joke for Thursday 10 Jan 2007, it's almost the weekend....'ren!" :D

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a p--no film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a p--no theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.

After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."

"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog." :D

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Joke for Friday 12 Jan 2007, TGIF! :D

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!" :D

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Joke for the weekend Sat 13 Jan 2007 :D

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition. The redhead won, and the brunette came in second.

However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by, causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.

The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms." :D

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Joke for Sunday 14 Jan 2007 :lol:

One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, a Filipino and a Singaporean.

However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn’t differentiate between them.

However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, “Heil Hitler!”

At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said, “Clean that up!” :D

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Joke for Sunday 14 Jan 2007 :lol:

One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, a Filipino and a Singaporean.

However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn’t differentiate between them.

However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, “Heil Hitler!”

At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said, “Clean that up!” :D

Nice one...thanks for the jokes :thumb:

aromatherapist, bodywork therapist & esthetician

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Joke for Monday 15 Jan 2007 :lol:

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car.

As she’s going down the hall, an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?”

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?”

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man’s room again, he jumps out.

He’s stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, “Oh, no, not the Breathalyzer again!” :D

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Bonus joke for Monday to chase away the Monday Blues :D

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.

A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again, looking very heated up. He marched to he mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,”Is something wrong?”

To which the ferocious Singh replied, ” There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!” :D

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Joke for Tuesday 16 Jan 2007, although it was a wet Monday..hope it went well for you ;)

The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.

During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

“Well, sir,” is the reply, “as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have… urges. That’s why we have the camel, sir.

The Captain says, “I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay.”

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, “Is that how the men do it?”

“No sir,” the First Sergeant replies.

“They usually just ride the camel into town.” :D

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Joke for Wednesday 17 Jan 2007 ;)

Don't Say This During Sex (Part 1)

1. You woke me up for that?

2. Try breathing through your nose.

3. Do you accept Visa?

4. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

5. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

6. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

7. But I just brush my teeth...

8. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

9. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

10. When is this supposed to feel good? :D

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Don't Say This During Sex Part 2

11. I want a baby!

12. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

13. You look younger than you feel.

14. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

15. Now I know why he dumped you....

16. Have you ever considered liposuction?

17. I have a confession....

18. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

19. Did you come yet, dear?

20. When would you like to meet my parents? :D

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Joke for Thursday 18 Jan 2007, endure! one more day to the weekend! :D

One day, a teacher, a garbage man and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven.

St. Peter is there, and when they get to the gate, St Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven. They each will have to answer one question.

So he asked the teacher, “What was the name of the ship that hit an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?”

The teacher without hestitation replies, “The Titanic.”

St Peter lets him through the gate. St Peter turns to the garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn’t really need all the stink this guy would bring in decided to make te question tougher: “How many people were on the ship?”

Taking a guess, the garbage man said, “1228.”

Surprised, St. Peter exclaims, “That happens to be right! Go ahead.”

St Peter turns to the lawyer: “Name them.” :D

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The elephant say to the camel 1st, " why your neh neh grow on your back and not your chest? ''funny sia."

Then the camel say to the elephant:" your dick grow on your face, laugh what laugh? "lanjiao bin."

The Rooster was around and heard the conversation, he starts to laugh really loud. The Camel turn around and say to him:

" Can you put your balls back to where they are suppose to be instead of under your chin?"

You get more things done with sugar than with vinegar.

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Joke for Friday 19 Jan 2007, TGIF! :lol:

Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition.

During the Q&A segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."

The crowd shouts,"Gin! Gin!".

Others exclaim, "No, its Grape Juice!"

Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"

Host : "Quiet please."

Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, "C'mon man, you think I need their help? I got more original answer : Gu ni!" (cow milk in hokkien) :D

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Joke for Sat 20 Jan 2007, enjoy your weekend! :D

Ah Lian goes to a store and sees a shiny object.

Ah Lian : "What is that shiny object ?"

Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."

Ah Lian : "What does it do ?"

Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Ah Lian : "I'll buy it"

The next day, Ah Lian goes to work with her thermo flask

Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"

Ah Lian : "It's a thermos flask."

Boss : "What does it do?"

Ah Lian : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Boss : "What do you have in it! ?"

Ah Lian : "Two cups of coffee and a coke" :D

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Joke for Sunday :D

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust." :D

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Joke for Monday 21 Jan 2007. ;)

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.

He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug." :D

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Joke for Wednesday 24 Jan 2007 :lol:

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!" :D

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A monk and a priest are driving down a street in differnt directions.

Oddly enough, they end up getting into a crash.

They both get out of their cars, infuriated that there had been a wreck.

But since both of them are men of god, they began to talk.

The priest says that it was fortunate for these two men of the cloth to have met in such a strange way.

The monk says that it was also lucky that his bottle of fine wine was left undamaged after such a great accident.

So, they decide to celebrate.

The priest ends up drinking almost all of the wine.

And just as there's about a drink left in the whole bottle, the priest asks the rabbi if he would like a drink.

The monk shrugs and says "No thanks, I'll just wait for the police to arrive." :clap:

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A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.

The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample".

The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow"

When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?"

The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."

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This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says,

"Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

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Joke for Thursday 25 Jan 2007, have you planned where to go during the CNY? Better start planning now if you haven't :lol:

Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads." :D

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Joke for Friday 26 Jan 2007, yay it's the weekend! :lol:

There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

"Nope 34" replied the man.

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache". :D

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Officer: What is your name?

Arab: Abdul Aziz

Officer: Sex?

Arab: Six to ten times a week

Officer: I mean, male or female?

Arab: Both male and female and sometimes even camels.

Officer: Holy cow!

Arab: Yes, cows and dogs too!

Officer: Oh Man ... isn't it hostile?

Arab: Horse style, dog style, any style

Officer: Oh dear!

Arab: Deer? No no !! No deer, they run too fast!

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Guest Machomacho

"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly, he'll basically give you a hard time. He'll be bigger, faster, and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, But, he'll be pretty good in the sack."

"I can put up with that," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah well, he's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, there is one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

:D:D:D

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Joke for Sat 27 Jan 2007, remember that Eu Tong Sen St (between Outram Rd and Upp Cross St) and New Bridge Rd (between Kreta Ayer Rd and Upp Cross St) will be closed to traffic today between 3 pm and 11 pm to facilitate the CNY Celebration, avoid there if you can :)

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates". :D

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Joke for Sunday 28 Jan 2007 ;)

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest." :D

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An interesting chinese SMS I received to share with you all since I don't have your HP number :)

爱人是路,朋友是树

人生只有一条路

一条路上多棵树

有钱时候别忘路

有难时候靠靠树

幸福时候别迷路

休息时候浇浇树

祝你一切快乐!

遇事顺心! ;)

I know many will reply you have a lot of 路,but I think it applies to that as well :D

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Joke for Monday 29 Jan 2007, smile! Chinese New Year is coming! :lol:

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it, "He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago." :D

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Joke for Tuesday 30 Jan 2007 ;)

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: 'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?'

The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500, 000.'

The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500, 000?' The mother replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500, 000.'

The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your principal for $500, 000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.' :D

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Joke for Wed 30 Jan 2007, it's the mid week liow! ;)

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, " he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small blowjob, " he insists, "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

"Come on baby pleeeeaassseee"

"I'm not going to give you a blow job"

"Why Not...baby it will be quick I promise?"

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom." :D

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She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom." :D

I actually watched the tv version of this blowjob joke!... Damn funny... :P

Thanks again, LupCheong! :clap:

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