A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)

[LupCheong]

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[LupCheong]

Your joke for Monday, have a fruitful week ahead!

The medical student was asked four reasons why mother's milk was better for babies than cow's milk.

This is the answer he submitted:

1. It's fresher.

2. It's cleaner.

3. The cats can't get to it.

4. It's easier to take on a picnic.

He also added: "It comes in such cute containers."

[LupCheong]

Bad Halloween Costume

[LupCheong]

Old Dogs

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[LupCheong]

Extracted from Talkingcock.com

DEAR AH BENG: Gay People Keep Wanting to Hantam Me. How?

Dear Ah Beng,

I made a speech recently calling chao ah quahs and pondans abnormal, and saying that if they have sex, they should be convicted as criminals. Now they

[LupCheong]

By the way, this is not a joke!

The Law of Attraction

Tip #1 - Positive Attitude - One of the simplest methods that you can improve the quality of your using the Law of Attraction is to always maintain a positive outlook. When you have a positive attitude to life, there is a good chance that it will attract other positive people, effects, and transformations in your life. Even if events in your life do not seem particularly good, maintaining a positive outlook can be lead to the transformation that you want. In reality, your positive outlook is getting you ready for the time that things improve. Always seeing the best in something, such as a less than perfect job, can enable you to be better placed in life, which leads the way for positive events to occur.

Tip #2 - Visualization - Another essential technique is to make a mental picture. It is vital that you actually picture where you want to be in your life. Picture yourself in a higher job, driving a more expensive car, being healthier financially, and you will then have the ability to draw what you need to enable those pictures to come to fruition. You can never really reach the position that you yearn for unless you have a definite idea of the direction you are taking, and making the effort to continuously keep in mind where you see yourself being can be helpful in discovering where you want to be, as well as helping you to reach your goal.

Tip #3 - Affirmations - Often, the word affirmation conjures up images of how other people can confirm your wants and needs, but when it is taken in the perspective of the Law of Attraction, affirmations are really down to you. You have to begin putting down in writing what you want, and then keep saying them to yourself repeatedly. The more often you say them aloud and confirm your dreams, the likelier it is that they will come true.

Tip #4 - Always Keep Your Eye on Your Goal - Maintaining a focus on your ambitions is an essential technique too when you are considering the Law of Attraction. You do not want to be never want to be sidetracked by the situations that happen in your life, and you need to keep your eye on the tings that you want to accomplish. The more focused you are on your ambitions, the greater the likelihood that you will achieve them.

Tip #5 - Move Forward - You can put into place as many plans as you like in your life, but if you do not really get going on anything, they will all amount to nothing. As soon as you begin to have positive thoughts, picture where you would like to be, use affirmations, and keep focused on your ambitions, then you are ready to begin progressing towards your goal. It doesn't matter if you achieve large or small steps, but it is essential that you are always progressing forwards and not just staying in one place.

Every one of these strategies is important, and if you use them together they will undoubtedly have astonishing effects on your life. Begin to use these Law of Attraction techniques and good things will certainly happen.

So what are you waiting for? Start visualising bedding your dream bottom or top (TC perhaps? ) now!

[LupCheong]

Your Tues joke

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed

to confess, so he went to his Priest.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in

my attic."

"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."

"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more

question."

"What is it son."

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

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[LupCheong]

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.

The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.

"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.

"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.

"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.

"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

[LupCheong]

Work Sucks

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thurs

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep

in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice

saying, "The big sissy."

[LupCheong]

[deandets]

CL: Eaiser if you just paste the photo directly like this in the "day to day"series on other topic, more convienient and easy upload...

[LupCheong]

CL: Eaiser if you just paste the photo directly like this in the "day to day"series on other topic, more convienient and easy upload...

deandets,

The reason I didn't paste the photos here for my "a chub a day" is because those photos are semi-nude and x-rated. Some people may be surfing this forum at a cybercafe or in the office so I cannot paste them directly here, hope you understand.

[LupCheong]

For those troubled souls, read this first :

As I jumped....

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Virus Alert!

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[LupCheong]

Fri joke

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed

ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

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Joke for Sat

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

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Joke for Sun

Want some chicken?

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs.

So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted.

The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."

[LupCheong]

joke for Monday

Why are E.T.s eyes so big?

Because he saw the phone bill.

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[IkuTube]

Polish Remover

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'

[bichublvr]

what do call persons who had gone to space?

In America, they called them " Astronaut "

In Russia they called them " Cosmonaut "

In China, they called them " TaikoNaut "

And in Malaysia they are called " Can or Naut "

[LupCheong]

Youe joke for Tue

Once a couple were on vacation. The husband was lying on the beach facing downwards on his stomach & the wife was patting him on his butt. He happened to ask her what she was doing, she said "I`m playing the Tabla" He turned around

& told her "Alright now you can start playing the flute".

[LupCheong]

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Joke for Wed

A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion."

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

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Joke for Thurs

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

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Your joke for Fri

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says:"You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in." The second says:"I have to

confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter:"Wash both your hands and go in.

Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St.Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks *What's going on? One of them shouts I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there.

[LupCheong]

Dog? Where?

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Funny Signs

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Joke for Sat

Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis. Doc. said, how did such a thing happen? Johnny said, "It's that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp."

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My new gas grill

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Joke for Sun

A guy's fingering his girlfriend.

She says, "Would you take off your ring? It's hurting me."

He says, "That's not my ring...It's my wristwatch."

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[LupCheong]

Monday jokes removed, please see below.

[LupCheong]

To pay respect to the 5 deceased dragonboaters 20-year-old Chee Wei Cheng, 24-year-old Jeremy Goh Tze Xiong, 31-year-old Stephen Loh Soon Ann, 23-year-old Reuben Kee En Rui and 27-year-old Poh Boon San, there will be no Jokes for the next 5 days. Jokes will resume on 1 Dec 2007. May they rest in peace and be remembered in our hearts forever.

[Itaewan]

This is hilarious..not sure if you had this email before but worth reading it again!

A family in the Southern Province of China, were puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandmother arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top; which read as follows:

Dear Cousins,

I am sending Ah Ma's body to you since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leaves are consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ah Ma's body,12 cans of Yohmeitsu, 10 packets of Swiss chocolates and packets of Chinatown Lap Cheong. Please divide these among all of you.

On Ah Ma's feet you will find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size 10) for Ah boy. Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei's and Ah Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ah Ma is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts. The large size is for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them among yourselves.

The 2 new Armani Jeans that Ah Ma is wearing are for the boys. The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ah Ma's left wrist. Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei, Ah Ma is wearing the Tiffany necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them.

The 6 white Polo cotton socks that Ah Ma is wearing must be divided among my teenage cousins.

Let me know what else you need as Ah Kong is also not keeping well nowadays.I can send all required things when our Ah Kong goes back too.....

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sat 1 Dec 2007

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.

But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one.

After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad,

but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."

"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

[LupCheong]

Gross!

[LupCheong]

Your Sunday joke

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any painkillers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed, "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth dear."

[LupCheong]

Your joke for Monday, have a good week

A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:

"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE WORLD"

No result was achieved, since the following problems were faced during the survey's implementation:

1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"

2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"

3. In Eastern Europe no one knew what is "opinion"

4. In South America no one knew what is "please"

5. In the USA no one knew what is "rest of the world"

[LupCheong]

Work without Days Off

[LupCheong]

Useful Work Phrases

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

[LupCheong]