LupCheong Posted October 5, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 5, 2007 For Sat How To Escape an Awful Date1. Every time your date says something, nod enthusiastically and say, "Y'know, my mother says EXACTLY the same thing." 2. Return from the rest room with water sprayed on your crotch, and say "I had an accident." 3. Over dinner, talk about your hemorrhoids. 4. Start talking in a foreign language. When your date asks why you're speaking in a foreign language, look puzzled and answer "I'm not." Then keep doing it. 5. Tell him you left your wallet home, and the evening's on him. "This is especially great if he can SEE the outline of your wallet in your pocket."6. Pull out a Batman comic book and ask, "How often do you suppose Batman and Robin have sex?" "If your date doesn't leave when you do these, it means he's incredibly desperate and you can just take him home and have sex." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 6, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2007 Some jokes for Sunday to keep the recent bitching away Common Business Phrases - What They Really MeanA Conference - A place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought.A Meeting - A mass mulling by master minds.Action is being taken - Your correspondence is lost and we are still trying to locate it.Action please - Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.Basic agreement has been reached: The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.Consultant (or Expert) - Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home. Copy to - Here's a share of the headache.Essentially complete: It's half done.Expedite - To confound confusion with commotionFor your approval, please - Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.For your immediate action - Do it NOW! Or we'll all get into trouble.For your information, please (FYI) - We don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.For your necessary action - It's your headache now.Informed Source - The guy who told the guy you just met.It is in process - So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.Noted and returned - We don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.Please discuss - I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.Please reply soon - Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.Regards - Thanks for reading all the bullshit.Reliable Source - The guy you just met.Re-orientation - Getting used to working again.Requires further analysis and management attention: Totally out of control!Review and comment - Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.Under Active Consideration - We're looking in the files for it.Under Consideration - Never heard of it.We will look into it - By the time the wheel makes a full turn, we assume you will have forgotten about it too.Will advise you in due course -- If we figure it out, we'll let you know.Your letter is receiving our attention - We are still trying to figure out what you want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 7, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 7, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2007 Joke for Monday 'First,' said the playboy,' I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.' 'Oh no you're not,' said the girl. 'Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.' 'Oh no you're not.' 'Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.' 'Oh no you're not.' 'Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you.' 'Oh no you're not.' 'And I'm not going to wear a condom either!' said the guy. 'Oh yes you are!' said the girl. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 7, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 8, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 Amidst the recent bitching and flaming, sometimes we need to be reminded how lucky we are.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 8, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 Joke for Tue The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers. 'We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,' said one trooper. 'Tell me! Did you find her?!' Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?' Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, 'Give me the bad news first.' The trooper said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.' 'Oh my God!' exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the good news?' The trooper continued, 'When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty five pound king crabs and 6 good size Dungeness crabs clinging to her.' Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the great news?' The trooper said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 8, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 Does it look familiar to you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reflection Posted October 8, 2007 Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 > > MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER> >Interviewer : 'What is your birth date?'> >Muthu : '13th October.'> >Interviewer : 'Which year?'> >Muthu : 'Every year.'> >> >> >MUTHU & HIS MANAGER> >The Manager asked Muthu at an interview....> >'Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?'> >Muthu replied: 'P-O-S-T-B-O-X.'> >> >> > MUTHU & LONDON TRIP> >After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, 'Do I Look like > >a foreigner?'> >Wife: 'No! Why?'> >Muthu : 'In London, a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'...that's why.'> >Wife : ?????????> >> >> >MUTHU & TOURIST> >A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his > >village... and Muthu said .. 'No sir, only babies were born here.'> >> >MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT> >Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg > >and told it to 'WALK! WALK!' The cockroach walked.> >Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked.> >Then he cut off the third leg and did the same. Finally, he cut off its > >fourth leg and ordered it walk! But the cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly, > >Muthu said loudly, 'I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it > >becomes deaf.'> >> >MUTHU & DRIVER> >When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorized tricycle, the driver > >adjusted the mirror.> >Muthu shouted, 'You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will > >drive.'> >> >MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL> >Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin.> >Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin.> >Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.> >Muthu pointed towards the signboard '*WASH BASIN* '> >> >MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART> >Interviewer : 'Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's > >on fire. How will you escape?'> >Muthu: 'It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination.'> >> >> > MUTHU & WOMAN> > At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why????????????> >Because a lady journalist with a badge which read '*PRESS*' pinned on the > >right part of her blouse walked past him... and he did it!(Hope this is not stale) Quote z Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 ah flec,You are treading on very thin ice of racism here, better admend before you kena any complains Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 Additional Joke for TuesdayWhy it's important to understand English I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations". The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reflection Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 ah flec,You are treading on very thin ice of racism here, better admend before you kena any complains Dear Lup Cheong,I dont see any wrong with my contributions. However, as I went through some of your jokes I actually saw more sensitive remarks about- Blonds - Bangladeshi (Singaporean pushing Bangleshi down from a plane)- Filipinas (Singapore baby telling a Filippina baby to clean up the mess)- Singh- Ah Beng- etc (no time to browse the rest and I know I would be able to find more sensitive remarks if I continue to review all)Legally speaking, I see no reason why my joke is racist except the person is an Indian. The joke is centred on the simplicity of Muthu like the Chinese version of Ah Q.On the other hand, your jokes carry many sensitive remarks and are more vulnerable. Quote z Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 haiyoh, people tell u nicely in one sentence, you must reply so long winded. Hai Xing Mei Hao Bao Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reflection Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 haiyoh, people tell u nicely in one sentence, you must reply so long winded. Hai Xing Mei Hao Bao Guest,If someone says something about me, it is fair that he must take any defences for any remarks or allegations made. If you view me as long-winded, then better dont pass any remarks till you have thought thoroughly . The issue here is not about hao xing mei hao bao....pls dont lose focus. Since LC brings out about me being racist, it is my prerogative to defend what I have posted and bring out to him what is actually racist in many of his jokes.As I have mentioned earlier, sometimes human dont see their own faults till another person points out as a mirror or reflection. Quote z Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 Wei wei! no bitching in my thread! If someone is so insecure and paranoid, let it be. Anyway here's joke for Wed! A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt. "Reach up there and find out." She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!" "Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up there, it'll grow some more!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nicefatboy Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 Its small cos its a girl looking at him. If got cute quy, bet his dick will get big! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 It doesn't pay to be kind, anyway this is not MY thread. Thanks everyone for all your support in this thread. I will retire from posting jokes from now on. However...A Chub a Day will still continues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chubby Mature Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 I dun have any joke to contribute but I do enjoy reading it. Keep it up. :clap: :clap: :clap: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest_retri Posted October 10, 2007 Report Share Posted October 10, 2007 lup cheong don't stop posting leh : ( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Please Keep Going ON, LC.... Posted October 10, 2007 Report Share Posted October 10, 2007 Y must u stop, LC?i think this thread will be let to rot if u stopped Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Looking forward Posted October 10, 2007 Report Share Posted October 10, 2007 Yes, this thread is perhaps the most interesting and entertaining thread of all.Everyday I look forward to reading this thread and that of heartlanders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buaya Posted October 11, 2007 Report Share Posted October 11, 2007 Gee... Really stopped ah? This thread really is popular and something I look forward to reading one leh...If LC is determined to stop and take a 'break', then can the mods move the threads started by Worldangel in 'Be Happy' to here to keep this thread alive till LC finshed his 'break'? Please?... Thanks... Quote Visit me @ http://ibuaya.blogspot.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest jokelover Posted October 11, 2007 Report Share Posted October 11, 2007 y stop........i log into this forum daily mostly just to read your jokes.........keep it up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 11, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2007 Hi everyone, I got pms lately due to the recent hoo haa but after looking at my own signature not to take everything in Life so seriously, I decided to take it as another lesson in life. It is personal and I hope I have not affected most of you who enjoy the jokes..here's your Joke for Thursday! A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. 'I'll admit I'm wrong,' the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, 'if you'll admit I'm right.' He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. 'I'm wrong,' she said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, 'You're right!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 11, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2007 Hungry Dog Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest newcomer Posted October 11, 2007 Report Share Posted October 11, 2007 what does pms stands for? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 11, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2007 pms = post masterbation syndrome Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 11, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2007 Joke for Friday A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman ''Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?'' ''Sure'' she said. ''He's at home, taking care of the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 11, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2007 Pigeon Attack! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2007 Selamat Hari Raya Everyone... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2007 Do you know what your pets are doing when you are at work? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2007 HAVE YOU SMILED TODAY? It is done by moving the corners of the mouth upward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2007 Joke for Sat, Selamat Hari Raya! Doctor: 'Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water.' Mark: 'Exactly what's my problem, doc?' Doctor: 'You're not drinking enough water.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dienasaw Posted October 13, 2007 Report Share Posted October 13, 2007 Hi everyone, I got pms lately due to the recent hoo haa but after looking at my own signature not to take everything in Life so seriously, I decided to take it as another lesson in life. It is personal and I hope I have not affected most of you who enjoy the jokes..here's your Joke for Thursday! Thanks, LupCheong! Glad you are still around! We need your daily dose of humour to keep us sane and alive! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 13, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2007 Joke for Sunday What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 13, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2007 Game Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 14, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2007 Here's something for you to ponder on a Sunday Afteroon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 14, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 14, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest chen_ling Posted October 14, 2007 Report Share Posted October 14, 2007 LUP CHEONG....keep it up...without u i think this forum will be boring....thanks for everything .... everyday.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reflection Posted October 14, 2007 Report Share Posted October 14, 2007 LUP CHEONG....keep it up...without u i think this forum will be boring....thanks for everything .... everyday.... LC,Those are reall good stuff to provoke our thoughts..... :thumb: Quote z Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 14, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2007 LUP CHEONG....keep it up...without u i think this forum will be boring....thanks for everything .... everyday.... You are most welCUMed! Tomorrow is Monday, work day for many...here's something for you to think about :- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 14, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2007 ok, here's your joke for Monday! A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy through unusual activities. 'Even the most natural and common actions can provide an immense amount of pleasure,' said the professor. 'For example, a good bowel movement can be as enjoyable as making love.' A student replied, 'Professor, either you don't know how to screw, or I don't know how to shit.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 14, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2007 Talking about shit....here's a cartoon... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 15, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2007 Joke for Tuesday The very naive young nun was assigned to a parish in the country. On the first Saturday, the priest asked her if she wanted to go swimming.She'd never been before, but the priest promised he'd give her lessons. They changed into bathing suits, then the priest offered her a hand while they waded into the water. They splashed around for a few minutes until the nun turned to the priest and asked, 'Father, will I really sink if you take your fingers out of my hole?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LupCheong Posted October 15, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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