A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)

[LupCheong]

Sand And Stone

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Your joke for Wed

A chap comes home with some multi-flavored condoms to spice up the long winter nights.

He comes in, throws off his coat, and announces it to his missus, who becomes immediately excited. Without a word, she grabs him by the nuts and drags him upstairs.

He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose. While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe.

Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband 'Mmmmm, cheese and onion?' To which he replies, 'No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one on yet.'

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour / or a gay man

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[LupCheong]

BRAIN DAMAGING HABITS

1. No Breakfast

People who do not take breakfast are going to have a lower blood sugar level.

This leads to an insufficient supply of nutrients to the brain causing brain degeneration.

2. Overeating

It causes hardening of the brain arteries, leading to a decrease in mental power.

3. Smoking

It causes multiple brain shrinkage and may lead to Alzheimer disease.

4. High Sugar consumption

Too much sugar will interrupt the absorption of proteins and nutrients causing malnutrition and may interfere with brain development.

5. Air Pollution

The brain is the largest oxygen consumer in our body. Inhaling polluted air decreases the supply of oxygen to the brain, bringing about a decrease in brain

efficiency.

6. Sleep Deprivation

Sleep allows our brain to rest. Long term deprivation from sleep will accelerate the

death of brain cells.

7. Head covered while sleeping

Sleeping with the head covered, increases the concentration of carbon dioxide and

decrease concentration of oxygen that may lead to brain damaging effects.

8. Working your brain during illness

Working hard or studying with sickness may lead to a decrease in effectiveness of

the brain as well as damage the brain.

9. Lacking in stimulating thoughts

Thinking is the best way to train our brain, lacking in brain stimulation thoughts may cause brain shrinkage.

10. Talking Rarely

Intellectual conversations will promote the efficiency of the brain.

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The main causes of liver damage are:

1. Sleeping too late and waking up too late are main cause.

2. Not urinating in the morning.

3. Too much eating.

4. Skipping breakfast.

5. Consuming too much medication.

6. Consuming too much preservatives, additives, food coloring , and artificial

sweetener.

7. Consuming unhealthy cooking oil. As much as possible reduce cooking oil use

when frying, which includes even the best cooking oils like olive oil. Do not

consume fried foods when you are tired, except if the body is very fit.

8. Consuming raw (overly done) foods also add to the burden of liver.

Veggies should be eaten raw or cooked 3-5 parts. Fried veggies should be finished

in one sitting, do not store.

We should prevent this without necessarily spending more. We just have to adopt

a good daily lifestyle and eating habits. Maintaining good eating habits and time

condition are very important for our bodies to absorb and get rid of unnecessary

chemicals according to "schedule."

Because :

Evening at 9 - 11 PM : is the time for eliminating unnecessary/toxic chemicals (detoxification) from the antibody system (lymph nodes). This time duration should be spent by relaxing or listening to music. If during this time a housewife is still in an unrelaxed state such as washing the dishes or monitoring children doing their homework, this will have a negative impact on health.

Evening at 11pm - 1 am : is the detoxification process in the liver, and ideally should be done in a deep sleep state.

Early morning 1 - 3 am : detoxification process in the gall, also ideally done in a deep sleep state.

Early morning 3 - 5 am : detoxification in the lungs. Therefore there will sometimes be a severe cough for cough sufferers during this time. Since the detoxification process had reached the respiratory tract, there is no need to take cough medicine so as not to interfere with toxin removal process.

Morning 5 - 7am : detoxification in the colon, you should empty your bowel.

Morning 7 - 9 am : absorption of nutrients in the small intestine, you should be having breakfast at this time. Breakfast should be earlier, before 6:30 am , for those who are sick. Breakfast before 7:30 am is very beneficial to those wanting to stay fit. Those who always skip breakfast, they should change their habits, and it is still better to eat breakfast late until 9 - 10 am rather than no meal at all.

Sleeping so late and waking up too late will disrupt the process of removing unnecessary chemicals. Aside from that, midnight to 4:00 am is the time when the bone marrow produces blood. Therefore, have a good sleep and don't sleep late.

DO TAKE CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH.................

AND PASS THIS TO ALL WHOM YOU LOVE & CARE FOR .....................

[DirtyOldMan]

Make sense to me. I used to think Olive oil is perfect for flying vegetables, but it does not seem to be, do you know what oil is best for flying for health ?

OB note: pls dont quote the whole posting, esp when your's is right after...

[Guest Guest]

Maybe you want to check with Singapore Airlines?

[LupCheong]

A short joke for Thurs

What sound does a grape make when an elephant step on it?

None. It just give a little wine. (whine)

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Real Life Tickles!

[LupCheong]

Dont' you wish everyday you can wake up like that?

[LupCheong]

Your joke for Fri

Scientists have identified a food that, once digested, can have negative effects on people's health that last for decades, including mood-swings in women, psychotic episodes in men and severe depression in both.

It's called wedding cake.

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Blonds in Traffic

[LupCheong]

Some additional functions from softwares we would love to have

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sat, have a great weekend!

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: 'PIG!!'

The man immediately leans out his window and replies 'BITCH.' They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Your joke for Sunday

This couple was worried about the size of their young son's penis, so they consulted a doctor.

The doctor told them that the only thing he knew of that would correct this problem was for them to feed their son wheat toast for breakfast.

The next morning the son came to the breakfast table where he saw a plate on the table with a huge stack of wheat toast on it.

He asked his mother what the big stack of toast was for.

His mother replied, 'The top two slices are for you and the rest is for your Dad'.

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Your joke for Monday, have a good week!

God showed up on the day Adam and Eve had sex for the first time. God found Adam laying down relaxing, but could not see Eve.

God asked Adam, "How did you like sex?" Adam replied, "It was fantastic and I want to do it again."

God inquired, "I'm glad, but where is Eve so I can ask her what she thought about sex?"

Adam told him she was down at the creek getting cleaned up.

God replied, "Great!!!! Now I will never get the smell out of those fish!"

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM

[LupCheong]

Joke for Tues

A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer came up to him and yelled frantically, 'What the hell do you think you`re doing? There`s a public toilet 20 yards from here!' The man yells back, 'What do you think I have, a hose?'

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Appearances

"Wherever you are in this moment, is exactly where you are supposed to be, no matter how things may seem to appear.

When you know you are doing your very best within the circumstances of your existence, applaud yourself.

Above all, forgive yourself...

And forgive everyone else.

There is no one to compare yourself to, and no one to compete with.

There never was.

When the rose and the lotus are side by side, is one more beautiful than the other?

When you awaken to who and what you are, everyone automatically awakens to who and what you are, without a word spoken.

All earthly pain is due to our inability to release what needs to be free.

You stand outside the circle and wonder why you feel left out, unaware that you need your OWN permission to join the others ~ not theirs.

Your loneliness is your Self, wanting to make friends with itself. Your loneliness is your Heart, wanting to sing to itself. Your loneliness is your Being, wanting to dance with itself.

Behind all your anger and fear, beneath all your sadness and loss...

is the need for love.

How much love are you willing to accept from others?

And how much are you willing to give?"

[LupCheong]

Dear Friend,

I need a really small favor... if it's not too much trouble.

I am going away on vacation for a couple of weeks, and I need a friend to come over to water my plants while I'm gone.

In this hot weather they'll probably need water at least twice a day if at all possible. Let me know by Wednesday.

Thanks!!

I've attached a photo of my plants for your reference.

[retri]

dearest lup cheongy,

i'm afraid i don't have that much essence of chrysanthemum to go around!

your loyal jokes fan,

retri.

[LupCheong]

Your joke for Tuesday

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate: "Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

[Guest Volunteer Guest]

I volunteer to water your plants.

Just give me a a LONG HOSE!!!!

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Inspirational Messages Not Heard At Work

14. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."

13. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

12. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

11. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

10. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.

9. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them.

8. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"

7. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.

6. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

5. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

4. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

3. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.

2. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.

1. Plagiarism saves time.

[LupCheong]

20 Things To Do In A Drive Through Lane

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

The Bathtub Test

It doesn

[LupCheong]

The Water Bearer And The Pot

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the House, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of it

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thur

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

A farmer ordered a high tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted is "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than

his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information.

He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

[LupCheong]

Since Singapore Airlines has their new A380, maybe we should have our very own airline too

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

According to Wikipedia,

A health maintenance organization (HMO) is a type of managed care organization (MCO) that provides a form of health insurance coverage in the United States that is fulfilled through hospitals, doctors, and other providers with which the HMO has a contract.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sat

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Inspirational Quotes from Famous People

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Something to perk you up on a boring and quiet Saturday afternoon