Gay Coming Out Stories / videos / experiences - Family acceptance and the future (compiled)

[reflection]

Living in a straight world, the straights have often asserted their straightness by what they say or do. And everything seems so normal.

But when a gay says I am going for a honeymoon with my new bf, it blows the minds of straights. It is as if there is no breathing spaces for gays as gays have to talk discretely so as not to raise eyebrowns from the straight world

[TopChinese]

Not sure if I should be posting this here or in the other Otto Fong thread.

MM made a very good point. Str8s always rub it in our face with their heterosexual bullshit.. why can't I assert my homosexuality with them? We've been taught from young that we should keep our bedroom business in the bedroom... but do we have to forever lie to our relatives about why we're still single every CNY?

[Guest artemov]

I agree. Some straights like to flaunt their heterosexuality.

There's this guy in my gym who wore tshirts printed with "vagitarian", and "p--n star" with the silhouette of a naked chick. Disgusting breeders.

[reflection]

For closeted gays, many times we are forced into the "straight" mould to flow with gossips about other gays. E.g. "You know, she is a lesbian, just look at her butch photo with another girl....., I think that guy is a gay, he wears a little finger ring, I think my brother is a gay, his friends are all male, blah-blah...."

Sometimes I wish I have the courage of Otto to say, " Any problem with that? I am one of them " They will probably drop their jaws

[reflection]

I agree. Some straights like to flaunt their heterosexuality.

There's this guy in my gym who wore tshirts printed with "vagitarian", and "p--n star" with the silhouette of a naked chick. Disgusting breeders.

Dare to wear, " I am not gay but my bf is " ??

I thought those words "vagitarian, p--n star" are vulgar or insulting to women

[reflection]

A friend of mine who has come out wrote this :

Come out, come out, wherever you are

Coming out is an exercise every gay person should try.

It paves the way for honest, authentic and enriching relationships.

But why come out to someone with whom you have no inclination to develop any meaningful relationship?

Because every

[tennis_uncle]

I'm sorry if I sound prescriptive but I assure you I'm not. I'm a huge believer in coming out in your own time, but hopefully not like, when you're 50.

Who gives a fxxk by then? Not even if you were a Nazi.

I was ok with this until this part. Is yr friend an ageist or what? Why need to put an age to coming out? and why 50? Are > 50s suddenly not people any more?

And for yr info, real Nazis criminals shud be and are persecuted, whatever age.

[reflection]

I'm sorry if I sound prescriptive but I assure you I'm not. I'm a huge believer in coming out in your own time, but hopefully not like, when you're 50.

Who gives a fxxk by then? Not even if you were a Nazi.

I was ok with this until this part. Is yr friend an ageist or what? Why need to put an age to coming out? and why 50? Are > 50s suddenly not people any more?

And for yr info, real Nazis criminals shud be and are persecuted, whatever age.

I think you are overly sensitive to this part. Quoting an age (can be 65, 85, etc) is not the issue. My impression of him writing that is that he would like to come out as early as possible to live a life without hiding rather than a later age and regret for not coming out early.

[tennis_uncle]

Then he did not make that point very well. And thanks to yr reflective insight for bringing that out. There was no need to even mention an age. He could have just written: before its too late and regretting not doing so earlier. On further reflection, i think its really the following remarks "Who gives a fxxk by then? Not even if you were a Nazi." which i found jaring and am uncomfortable with.?No matter what age u come out (and again, there are many ways of coming out, not just the 'Otto' way. The most important, to me, being the first step of coming out to oneself) why shud it matter who gives a fxxk? It matters most to the person doing so and transforming his own life. And that comparison with being a Nazi is just totally way off.

[TopChinese]

Don't focus on delivery in this forum, Uncle... Most of the people (and almost all of the posts) here have difficulties expressing their emotions and wear that as a badge of pride. They think its ok to say the things they say because they don't know how to say it properly.

If I were to read into the way things are being said here, instead of what is said, I would have turned myself straight out of frustration and made myself some babies already.

[tennis_uncle]

If I were to read into the way things are being said here, instead of what is said, I would have turned myself straight out of frustration and made myself some babies already.

Haha, well, sometimes just feel like expressing and responding, just do lor.

n If its so easy to turn str8... there won't be any gays left liao lor.

BTW, u dun have to be str8 to make babies, its just a skill we can all learn...

[Sleepy]

BTW, u dun have to be str8 to make babies, its just a skill we can all learn...

Oh wow.. Skill? Quite impossible for me to carry out this.. At least, not that I think I can, since I haven't tried yet! How to acquire/learn the skill?

[tennis_uncle]

BTW, u dun have to be str8 to make babies, its just a skill we can all learn...?

Oh wow.. Skill? Quite impossible for me to carry out this.. At least, not that I think I can, since I haven't tried yet! How to acquire/learn the skill?

Actually, i paraphrased that line from an old US cable-only PLU-themed sitcom titled "Brothers".

When u think about it, as long as yr bullets work, there are creative ways to make yrself able to perform the function. How do u think all those PLUs who forced themselves to go the family way, did it?

[Guest Guest]

Actually coming out take a load off gay chest. We've only one life, so why not be what we are. Living a hideous life is not something a gay wanted to be in this life time.

[reflection]

Actually coming out take a load off gay chest. We've only one life, so why not be what we are. Living a hideous life is not something a gay wanted to be in this life time.

Guest,

There is no right or wrong answer. Once you decide to come out, DONT REGRET.

This coming out dilemma is more relevant to closeted gays who are straight-looking or from conservative background. These people indeed need courage at the expense of family, friends' and colleagues' negative reactions.

On the other hand, there are gays who need not have to come out because their behaviours are just loud enough as if there is a word "GAY" printed on their forehead.

[Guest Guest]

I'm with you, Reflection.

[GachiMuchi]

Don't focus on delivery in this forum, Uncle...? Most of the people (and almost all of the posts) here have difficulties expressing their emotions and wear that as a badge of pride. They think its ok to say the things they say because they don't know how to say it properly.

If I were to read into the way things are being said here, instead of what is said, I would have turned myself straight out of frustration and made myself some babies already.

I believe each of us will have their own time coming to terms with their gayness.

TC, not everyone are as expressive and as in touch with their gay side like you or Otto Fong, etc.

BWers comes from different background, family brought up, etc. You may be able to say and do things without any consequences, but there will always be those which will be in deep shit if they were to be as gay or as loud, etc.

I personally chose who I come out to. One of them is my aunt, whom I am close with and one was my ex colleague. Others, they only on a need to know basis.

During one of my meeting with my bro some years back, he told me that my parents suspect that I might be gay, but my bro told them he don't think so. Anyway, for my parents, I don't think I want to reveal to them about my orientation so that they would not be sad.

The difference between guessing about the truth and being told the truth is; the former is just a suspicion; while the later is a confirmation.

I know what I am and what I like, but I don't have to announce to everyone that I am gay. Like wise for those who don't want to disclose their preference, let them be.

[doncoin]

I have a simple philosophy:

EVERYONE IS GAY TILL PROVEN STRAIGHT.

i don't go around assuming everyone I meet is hetero. Sometimes you need to go down and dirty to verify.

[reflection]

I have a simple philosophy:

EVERYONE IS GAY TILL PROVEN STRAIGHT. 

i don't go around assuming everyone I meet is hetero. Sometimes  you need to go down and dirty to verify. 

Seems like you are a professional gay detector or detective by going down to get dirty...

[Guest Guest]

Is it true that some of arse became gay bcos our caretaker tickle our anus to stop arse from crying when we were baby?

[wala_x02]

Just to share my personal coming out experience:

I struggled for 2 years before coming out to parents

[Guest -curious-]

hey all, i'm really worried about coming out of the closet. i really don't know how my parents would react, especially my mother, whom has always been saying that she's really worried i'm gay and she hopes i'm not one. Just last night she asked me whether i was one, and i lied about it and told her "no" in a very confirmatory way. i'm closest to my brother in the family, but i'm not sure if i should tell him as i'm afraid it will distant our relationship. i'm not sure what his views on homosexuality are. he has mentioned about gays in the army before, and his tone was somewhat condescending but in a humorous way. i really wanna tell someone as i feel really lonely and i really wanna talk to someone about it. what can i do?

[Guest help]

hey all, i'm really worried about coming out of the closet. i really don't know how my parents would react, especially my mother, whom has always been saying that she's really worried i'm gay and she hopes i'm not one. Just last night she asked me whether i was one, and i lied about it and told her "no" in a very confirmatory way. i'm closest to my brother in the family, but i'm not sure if i should tell him as i'm afraid it will distant our relationship. i'm not sure what his views on homosexuality are. he has mentioned about gays in the army before, and his tone was somewhat condescending but in a humorous way. i really wanna tell someone as i feel really lonely and i really wanna talk to someone about it. what can i do?

easy . with action dun need to talk, ppl got eyes to see. just bring a cute guy to yr room . let yr parents imagination go wild. and every time with difeerent guys only no gals. i believe they will know the answer.

[Guest :-)]

I thought it was the best chance to hint to your mum when she ask? :-)

For me she didn't even ask anything nowadays, until few years ago she was still asking when I having a girlfriend? Now she stopped asking me such questions so I presume she will not ask anymore.

Whether she suspect or not I don't care, I just need her to know I am happy this way.

Whenever people ask me about why no girlfriend? my answer to them is - even my mother don't ask me such question so please be understanding (don't kaypo), people who are sensible enough normally get the hint immediately! :-)

[Guest gayman]

hey all, i'm really worried about coming out of the closet. i really don't know how my parents would react, especially my mother, whom has always been saying that she's really worried i'm gay and she hopes i'm not one. Just last night she asked me whether i was one, and i lied about it and told her "no" in a very confirmatory way. i'm closest to my brother in the family, but i'm not sure if i should tell him as i'm afraid it will distant our relationship. i'm not sure what his views on homosexuality are. he has mentioned about gays in the army before, and his tone was somewhat condescending but in a humorous way. i really wanna tell someone as i feel really lonely and i really wanna talk to someone about it. what can i do?

Not necessary to tell unless you really found a boy friend and your mother is pointing a pistol on your head than probably you may want to confide or you were caught by relatives or siblings for seeing you having sex with another man than...the answer will be told even without you telling.

As for me and my family members we all believe igrnorant is a bliss - no ask, no tell, god knows.

[kal]

u feel lonely and coming out to yr family are 2 different issues. Try to open up yrself with more sincere plu frens.. Actually i personally think its not necessary to come out to family directly. If in future u wanna stay with yr bf, just shift out and give them an excuses, tats all..

[koolkai]

hey all, i'm really worried about coming out of the closet. i really don't know how my parents would react, especially my mother, whom has always been saying that she's really worried i'm gay and she hopes i'm not one. Just last night she asked me whether i was one, and i lied about it and told her "no" in a very confirmatory way. i'm closest to my brother in the family, but i'm not sure if i should tell him as i'm afraid it will distant our relationship. i'm not sure what his views on homosexuality are. he has mentioned about gays in the army before, and his tone was somewhat condescending but in a humorous way. i really wanna tell someone as i feel really lonely and i really wanna talk to someone about it. what can i do?

The best is to leave things as they are and there is no need for your to explicitly tell anyone in your family that you are gay. Just live your life as it is and if you need to talk to someone, you may talk to a gay friend. Otherwise, I personally dont think it is necessary to announce to your family that you are gay.

[Guest -WiseMan-]

Whatever you do, make sure you can face the music. If you can't, just play along with the music. If the music is too loud, can you cope?

既來知則安知

[Guest Guest]

Whatever you do, make sure you can face the music. If you can't, just play along with the music. If the music is too loud, can you cope?

既來知則安知

Very wise piece of advice indeed. Unless you really feel it's absolutely necessary to expose your identity, i advise you not to expose your identity. Unfair and tired of living a double life? Such is the plight of most AJs until there come a time where human beings know how to embrace differences.

[Guest -loner-]

Very wise piece of advice indeed. Unless you really feel it's absolutely necessary to expose your identity, i advise you not to expose your identity. Unfair and tired of living a double life? Such is the plight of most AJs until there come a time where human beings know how to embrace differences.

[Guest -loner-]

I agreed with what WiseMan had said.

And i totally know what you are going throu' as i'm also in the closet ... very frustrated!!! @#$*

Before you decide to come out, give a thought to your old parents. They will feel guilty and sad. So too bad that God made us this way, live with it as a man and take it as a challenge in your life. If not go counselling to be "converted" back to str8.

I've tried it that but failed.

[Guest happy]

hey all, i'm really worried about coming out of the closet. i really don't know how my parents would react, especially my mother, whom has always been saying that she's really worried i'm gay and she hopes i'm not one. Just last night she asked me whether i was one, and i lied about it and told her "no" in a very confirmatory way. i'm closest to my brother in the family, but i'm not sure if i should tell him as i'm afraid it will distant our relationship. i'm not sure what his views on homosexuality are. he has mentioned about gays in the army before, and his tone was somewhat condescending but in a humorous way. i really wanna tell someone as i feel really lonely and i really wanna talk to someone about it. what can i do?

no one live forever . one day yr old parents will not be around. so my advise to u dun need to come out from the closet at the moment. once u confess u have to face so many consequences. yr relatives . yr sibings. yr collegues . y make life so miserable during this time be happy and enjoy yr gay life. u not alone so many gay r with u.

[jazz]

... ... ... i really don't know how my parents would react, especially my mother, whom has always been saying that she's really worried i'm gay and she hopes i'm not one. Just last night she asked me whether i was one, ... ... ... ... i really wanna tell someone as i feel really lonely and i really wanna talk to someone about it. what can i do?

Agree with what some have said....

Are you able to face the music?

Why do you feel compelled to tell someone in the famiy?

You wanted to tell someone because you are lonely? Does any of your friend know you are gay? Try talking to them first.

Edited August 11, 2008 by jazz

[Guest -WiseMan-]

Let uncle relate my past tribulation as an encouragement. I have gone through what 'curious' has gone through......from my early 20s....I know how terrible it was to be accused of being a gay trying his best to be in his closet...

Yes, just say NO if you are being cornered to admit your sexuality. You will feel lousy, but you will get used to it....trust me.. Of course, I also tried other ways of escapade like coming back late, staying in friends' house...

Now even up to now, there are still aunties gossiping about me not in the pantry but in front of a group of colleagues when they chat about relationship and one auntie even said about me, ":Aiya, he doesnt like girls lah..." I didnt react but I just smiled and kept my cool but inside my mind I was thinking of complaining to my big boss for sexual harrassment..... But then, after some reflection, as I looked back, I realized I was able to overcome that moment of explosion....

Trust me, if you develop a strong and matured mind spiritually, nobody can dampen your spirits. You will realize that as you age and mature, you can handle all these vicious remarks. Your parents will continue to nag but one day, you will see them mellow down because you keep your cool.

[koolkai]

Let uncle relate my past tribulation as an encouragement. I have gone through what 'curious' has gone through......from my early 20s....I know how terrible it was to be accused of being a gay trying his best to be in his closet...

Trust me, if you develop a strong and matured mind spiritually, nobody can dampen your spirits. You will realize that as you age and mature, you can handle all these vicious remarks. Your parents will continue to nag but one day, you will see them mellow down because you keep your cool.

You seem to be like a wise uncle! Good that you are giving the "curious" guy some sound advice

[Baloo]

hello all repliers... pls dun give any support one way or the other unless you gonna be with the threadstarter when the music starts, and be there all the way wif him.

free advice to go one way or the other is just that.

I would only offer this as advice: You yourself have heard your mother's position. You can test out your brother's position on his stand without revealing your own preferences.

Then you ask yourself: can you afford to come out? where's the support gonna come from if your mother goes ballistic and never comes back down? What if your brother can not accept the fact you are gay?

best case scenario is that your brother is also closet and you can finally share your sexual preferences and orientation with your sibling. and your mother is not as negative as she makes out to be... but that is having what kind of chance?

can you live with the consequence of you coming out to your family? whatever itis?

only you can answer this question. and because of your answer, only you can decide whether to take that step to out yourself to them.

if you need someone to lay all the cards out on the table for you to decide, you can PM me.... not that I'm good... I'm not good... but I am objective. the decision maker is you. help you come out? me? never unless you want to come out... but if you already decided to come out, there is no need for any help...

you need someone to help you come out? so you can blame them for the consequences? not me dude... dun pass the blame

coming out is a personal, self made, self accept all consequences decision. You alone make it. unless you have a bf... but in this modern, young plu world in sgp... chances are, your bf, may not stand by you all that long... no offence for being skeptical, but statistics are stacked way against you... so just be very aware...

and whatever decision you made, good luck, and all the best...

[homelyman]

Baloo had given you very good advice. If you decide to take this step, be prepare for the worst, not just face the music. I for one would want to have my own house before doing it. Good luck to you.

[HendryTan]

Dear Curious,

1. You may want to check with the folks at Oogachaga for professional help. We display Oogachaga's logo at the front of BW forum as a community service which you can click. You can also PM one of their councilors, Briax who visits BW regularly. He can be reach via : http://www.blowingwind.org/forum/index.php...E=4&MID=927

2. I quote something from their web site :http://www.oogachaga.com/oc_men.htm

This message is for gay men who face challenges in their lives because of their sexual orientation and would like to meet other like-minded individuals in a safe and comfortable environment for support, friendship and personal growth.

OC Men is a support group for gay men who are coming to terms with their sexuality and want to achieve a healthy integration of their lives and sexual identity.

OC Men is not affiliated with any religious or political organization and we welcome members of all races and backgrounds. Started in June 1999 by Jason Wee, Kenneth Lau and Steve Wong, OC Men has since given many gay men in Singapore - young and older - a space in which to develop greater self-awareness and confidence to be who they are. Since August 2006, OC Men has also started its Mandarin group.

Through our support group sessions, we explore issues such as self-acceptance, coming out, relationships, sexual health and communities.

3. Hope it helps.

Cheers !

[doncoin]

Coming out is a big step for any gay person, especially to your immediate family. I am totally out to my family and everyone has met my boyfriend and accepted him into the family. I know my family is an exception rather than the norm and I am thankful for that.

Here's what I can say to you: once you are out to your family, what the rest of the world thinks about you being gay becomes a non-issue. It is the sense of freedom to be who you are that is priceless. At work, anywhere, who cares?

The challenge is with the whole dealing with guilt thing. While it is one thing to so call spare a thought for your old parents, it is another to suffer in silence, which by remaining in the closet is so. If being the tragic heroine is your choice, by being considerate to your parents, by all means do so, just don't be bitter about it. Just have to manage your own expectations that this is the choice you make and by doing so, you are denying who you are, and to a larger extent, who you are in love...

My personal take to this whole issue is, be honest about it. You've dealt with who you are, being gay. It is up your parents themselves to deal with you. They have the choice to embrace you, or chose to reject you. Whatever their choice is, you have to respect it. You have no control over it. If it is acceptance, that is huge burden removed from your shoulders, if it is rejection, it is still a burden removed. At least their expectations are managed knowing that they are not going ever to get a daughter-in-law.

This may sound totally selfish but this is what I believe in:

"Altruism permits no concept of a self-respecting, self-supporting man—a man who supports his own life by his own effort and neither sacrifices himself nor others … it permits no concept of benevolent co-existence among men … it permits no concept of justice"

Ayn Rand.

Edited August 10, 2008 by chelseasian

[doncoin]

Yes, just say NO if you are being cornered to admit your sexuality. You will feel lousy, but you will get used to it....trust me.. Of course, I also tried other ways of escapade like coming back late, staying in friends' house...

Now even up to now, there are still aunties gossiping about me not in the pantry but in front of a group of colleagues when they chat about relationship and one auntie even said about me, ":Aiya, he doesnt like girls lah..." I didnt react but I just smiled and kept my cool but inside my mind I was thinking of complaining to my big boss for sexual harrassment..... But then, after some reflection, as I looked back, I realized I was able to overcome that moment of explosion....

Trust me, if you develop a strong and matured mind spiritually, nobody can dampen your spirits. You will realize that as you age and mature, you can handle all these vicious remarks. Your parents will continue to nag but one day, you will see them mellow down because you keep your cool.

Dear Wiseman,

I personally am appalled by what you've said. I mean why should a person allow themselves to feel lousy, and get used to such conditions? Unless you plan to a martyr, which I am not sure the Catholic Church will recognize why did you allow this to happen to you? Escaping by staying late or staying over at a friend's house is not dealing with the situation.

Like you've said even up to now, you are allowing the aunties to have power over you, by allowing them to make rude statement and basically push you around.

You can forever go on making excuses for others' bad treatment to you or you can take a stand and say to yourself, enough. This is who I am. Deal with it.

From what you've written, it sounds like you've been dealing the situation by escaping and by letting other people cut you.

While it is true that our parents will mellow down some day with the nagging but the only reason it got reduced is not because you dealt with the situation or you came out to them and managed their expectations of you but they got tired and gave up.

I cannot tell you what to do with your life, but you cannot find happiness by escaping life.

[Guest Rockexcel]

My dear Curious,

Sometimes in life, there are things which are beyond saying. The more you try to explain, the worst it becomes. That is how quarrels and misunderstandings start.

Spare another moment of thinking before doing : If after my words, does it help anybody? Does it hurt anybody? Does it help myself? Does it hurt myself?

If any of these questions answers to a negative, don't do it!

Do not act rashly.

SEE THINGS AS THEY ARE. There is no absolute right or wrong, just perceptions.

Read this recent BW thread below, hope it helps you.

http://www.blowingwind.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=10451

[Guest -WiseMan-]

Dear Wiseman,

I personally am appalled by what you've said. I mean why should a person allow themselves to feel lousy, and get used to such conditions? Unless you plan to a martyr, which I am not sure the Catholic Church will recognize why did you allow this to happen to you? Escaping by staying late or staying over at a friend's house is not dealing with the situation.

Like you've said even up to now, you are allowing the aunties to have power over you, by allowing them to make rude statement and basically push you around.

You can forever go on making excuses for others' bad treatment to you or you can take a stand and say to yourself, enough. This is who I am. Deal with it.

From what you've written, it sounds like you've been dealing the situation by escaping and by letting other people cut you.

While it is true that our parents will mellow down some day with the nagging but the only reason it got reduced is not because you dealt with the situation or you came out to them and managed their expectations of you but they got tired and gave up.

I cannot tell you what to do with your life, but you cannot find happiness by escaping life.

If you are appalled, that is because you dont empathize with people like curious or me. Not everyone is like you who is able to come out totally without facing a amusic of death. There are still many people out there who are for some valid reasons are unable to come out. Have you heard about gays being rejected or ostracized by their family members. Yes, I agree coming out is a brave exercise, but there are many gays out there who value family life more, unless there are such strong social support and encouragement from elsewhere to prepare them for the worst.

Yes, I agree I have chosen some form of escapades as coping mechanism to keep my saninty - I dont want to lose my family life. I am not prepared to lose my family life which is why I choose to be a closet.

No, I dont perceive others as cutting me because there are always people cutting you, whether from gays or straights, whether from work or even from siblings.

As a Buddhist, I believe everyone has his own way of ending his own sufferings. And the crux of my threads is to encourage young gays to grow and mature with a strong mind so that any blows from anywhere will not dampen our spirits. We dont have to react, but maintain our cool.

But again, each gay has to decide for the worst if he decides to come out. Coming out is not easy as it needs strength and support from self and others. I dont wish to see gays coming out without social support but ending in disasters of feeling regrets or guilts.

[doncoin]

If you are appalled, that is because you dont empathize with people like curious or me. Not everyone is like you who is able to come out totally without facing a amusic of death. There are still many people out there who are for some valid reasons are unable to come out. Have you heard about gays being rejected or ostracized by their family members. Yes, I agree coming out is a brave exercise, but there are many gays out there who value family life more, unless there are such strong social support and encouragement from elsewhere to prepare them for the worst.

Yes, I agree I have chosen some form of escapades as coping mechanism to keep my saninty - I dont want to lose my family life. I am not prepared to lose my family life which is why I choose to be a closet.

No, I dont perceive others as cutting me because there are always people cutting you, whether from gays or straights, whether from work or even from siblings.

As a Buddhist, I believe everyone has his own way of ending his own sufferings. And the crux of my threads is to encourage young gays to grow and mature with a strong mind so that any blows from anywhere will not dampen our spirits. We dont have to react, but maintain our cool.

But again, each gay has to decide for the worst if he decides to come out. Coming out is not easy as it needs strength and support from self and others. I dont wish to see gays coming out without social support but ending in disasters of feeling regrets or guilts.

Truth be told, I do empathize. I know coming out is a major decision and there is always that risk of being rejected or disowned by the family. I struggled with that for a while before coming out to my family. I know it is a tough decision but I look at it at this way: at the end of it all, it is my life. I am gay because I am.

As for family life, I totally can understand why some people choose to remain closeted to their families. The challenge becomes really hard when at some point, if you fall in love with someone, and you want to include your family into your happiness. You cannot do that. You cannot tell your family, this is the man that makes me happy. You deny his existence.. you deny your happiness. You pass him off as a "friend" not someone special. This is a painful choice. Your family life stays as they are, while you stay in misery. I am not sure what kind of happiness that is. If family life is that important, I would want to include my family in all my joys and all my sorrows. If i do not take the first step and make them see that I am gay, then they never will.

Buddhism teaches us that suffering is universal but it also teaches us how to free ourselves from suffering. i totally respect your advise to tell young gays to be reactive and maintain their cool, but I also I believe in being proactive and do something about it.

There will always be things we regret over or feel guilty and wish we had handle the situation in a different manner. That's just part and parcel of life. Deal with it.

P.s. WiseMan, I hope you are not seeing this as a personal attack on your beliefs. I just want to clarify the opposing thoughts for young gays about coming out.

[Guest -WiseMan-]

Truth be told, I do empathize. I know coming out is a major decision and there is always that risk of being rejected or disowned by the family. I struggled with that for a while before coming out to my family. I know it is a tough decision but I look at it at this way: at the end of it all, it is my life. I am gay because I am.

As for family life, I totally can understand why some people choose to remain closeted to their families. The challenge becomes really hard when at some point, if you fall in love with someone, and you want to include your family into your happiness. You cannot do that. You cannot tell your family, this is the man that makes me happy. You deny his existence.. you deny your happiness. You pass him off as a "friend" not someone special. This is a painful choice. Your family life stays as they are, while you stay in misery. I am not sure what kind of happiness that is. If family life is that important, I would want to include my family in all my joys and all my sorrows. If i do not take the first step and make them see that I am gay, then they never will.

Buddhism teaches us that suffering is universal but it also teaches us how to free ourselves from suffering. i totally respect your advise to tell young gays to be reactive and maintain their cool, but I also I believe in being proactive and do something about it.

There will always be things we regret over or feel guilty and wish we had handle the situation in a different manner. That's just part and parcel of life. Deal with it.

P.s. WiseMan, I hope you are not seeing this as a personal attack on your beliefs. I just want to clarify the opposing thoughts for young gays about coming out.

Chelseasian,

Must agree your points....."Curious" is blessed to have different views from different experiences of ours and now it is up to him to decide the path.

Last but not least, which is also my philosophy in life : Dont regret once you decide.

[Guest -curious-]

hey. thanks everyone. but i think i'll wait till i'm older. i guess even if i tell them now they might not take me seriously? probably the main reason why i wanna tell my family is because i wanna talk to someone about it. i really hate the feeling that i have to lie to my family members even though we are a "family". yea, but thx ppl.=)

[Guest Butterfly]

Truth be told, I do empathize. I know coming out is a major decision and there is always that risk of being rejected or disowned by the family. I struggled with that for a while before coming out to my family. I know it is a tough decision but I look at it at this way: at the end of it all, it is my life. I am gay because I am.

As for family life, I totally can understand why some people choose to remain closeted to their families. The challenge becomes really hard when at some point, if you fall in love with someone, and you want to include your family into your happiness. You cannot do that. You cannot tell your family, this is the man that makes me happy. You deny his existence.. you deny your happiness. You pass him off as a "friend" not someone special. This is a painful choice. Your family life stays as they are, while you stay in misery. I am not sure what kind of happiness that is. If family life is that important, I would want to include my family in all my joys and all my sorrows. If i do not take the first step and make them see that I am gay, then they never will.

Buddhism teaches us that suffering is universal but it also teaches us how to free ourselves from suffering. i totally respect your advise to tell young gays to be reactive and maintain their cool, but I also I believe in being proactive and do something about it.

There will always be things we regret over or feel guilty and wish we had handle the situation in a different manner. That's just part and parcel of life. Deal with it.

P.s. WiseMan, I hope you are not seeing this as a personal attack on your beliefs. I just want to clarify the opposing thoughts for young gays about coming out.

I don't quite agree, you generalised all parents are like-minded, receptive to their children being gay or lesbian. Even among gay we are all different. Happiness is not about telling the world who you are and expect others to accept or deny you, it is a very personal affair and if you feel happy being who you are, why bother whether others are receptive to your identity be it your parents or otherwise. Even among gay, some gay were not receptive to another gay. If you have confessed and felt good about it, than good for you. Whereas others seek secured happiness in other forms. Confession or not, like you said, is very personal affair and we must look at our own circumstances to judge whether it is necessary to come out. Asking your family to accept your bf may not necessary mean your bf family will accept you too. There is a whole lots of matrixes you have to face before you can successfully come out if coming out is what you mean. There is still no 100% of coming out unlike some countries where they legalised gay marriage and their society is quite "open" to such. Not here, not in this island.

Before I come out to my parents, I have confessed my identity to a very close friend of mine whom we have grew up together, study together and did NS together. Upon knowing that I am gay, he tried to distance me as if I was already a HIV carrier and eventually I knew he got married without inviting me to his wedding and he onced teased me that he will choose me as his best man on his happy day. I have lost a friend because I thought he could accept me for being who I was. Having experienced this setback, sometime it is good not to be too "honest" if our society has not moved fast enough to catch up with such maturity mindset to accept gay people.

If your parents are the conversative, extremely religious or even closed minded folks, they might risk everything (including their life) to correct you. Who will suffer in the end? whoever wins, nobody wins. There will always be one victim left behind to nurse the loss battle.

Once you have kindled a fire in a forest, there is no turning back to stop it and god blessed there is no wind to worst it and every dear things in that forest utterly destroyed out of your selfish desire to let the world see your so-called fireworks.

[Guest -WiseMan-]

Haha, this thread is getting more exciting. Whether one chooses to ignite a fire in the forest or hide in the forest or escapes from the forest, the destiny is still the individual choice.

There are many roads to travel but I still stick to my point : if one is able to grow to a higher spiritual realm, every road is a testing ground.

Good luck to curious ..........

[Guest guest]

hey. thanks everyone. but i think i'll wait till i'm older. i guess even if i tell them now they might not take me seriously? probably the main reason why i wanna tell my family is because i wanna talk to someone about it. i really hate the feeling that i have to lie to my family members even though we are a "family". yea, but thx ppl.=)

when years pass yr parents will ended in another world. so dun even have to tell by than.lol

[Baloo]

hey. thanks everyone. but i think i'll wait till i'm older. i guess even if i tell them now they might not take me seriously? probably the main reason why i wanna tell my family is because i wanna talk to someone about it. i really hate the feeling that i have to lie to my family members even though we are a "family". yea, but thx ppl.=)

you wanna talk to someone about it, talk to the people some recommended in this thread. yes they are not family. but they are trained counsellors specifically in this area of being gay, and coming out, and dealing with family issues, relationship issues, etc. These are the people who have seen many cases, and seen more 'typical' endings to some scenarios you may have, and they can share with you.

if you are looking for someone just to talk to, well, judging from the responses here, you seem to have found many 'friends'

ok no one is closer than family... really? maybe because by your own admission, you are still 'young' there will be those (not necessarily your life partner) whom you can trust, to tell him/her anything, and get good responses, unbaised, and with your interest at heart. but you have to meet them, ... etc. no need to have sex la... all perverts...

so take heart, at least you discovered this site, and in here lots of 'busybodies' (i speak for myself .. haha) who will tell you lots of things... so at least some kind of communicaitons is going on in here, if you bother to read everything that is being said here...

there is no short cut answer. there is no easy way out. every choice you make will have consequences, some good, others, not so good...

and i'm rambling ... damn...

last words - you need people to talk to, come talk to us. If you are not above age 16, you should make it known to whomever you are meeting personally, and please dun let anybody TOUCH you or do more dastardly things with you... you are not of age and you cannot 'consent' to anything legally.

but talking, no issue... we can talk...

[doncoin]

I don't quite agree, you generalised all parents are like-minded, receptive to their children being gay or lesbian. Even among gay we are all different. Happiness is not about telling the world who you are and expect others to accept or deny you, it is a very personal affair and if you feel happy being who you are, why bother whether others are receptive to your identity be it your parents or otherwise. Even among gay, some gay were not receptive to another gay. If you have confessed and felt good about it, than good for you. Whereas others seek secured happiness in other forms. Confession or not, like you said, is very personal affair and we must look at our own circumstances to judge whether it is necessary to come out. Asking your family to accept your bf may not necessary mean your bf family will accept you too. There is a whole lots of matrixes you have to face before you can successfully come out if coming out is what you mean. There is still no 100% of coming out unlike some countries where they legalised gay marriage and their society is quite "open" to such. Not here, not in this island.

Hi Butterfly

I agree that every family is different. What i am trying to say is that it is not our role as children to manage how our parents deal with their reactions. Our role, in choosing to come out to them or not, is to manage our honesty with them. For me at the end of the day, coming out means never having to deny who I am: be it sexual orientation or whatever the case maybe (i.e. being an undercover spy, having an affair, a Fanilow...). It means when being asked why I do not have a girlfriend, I can just tell them I prefer boyfriends. It means I can bring my bf to a company gathering where everyone can bring their significant other without having to call up my female friends and make up a story that we are dating or showing up alone. At the end of it all, I think the most important thing to me about coming out is managing the expectations of other people of me. Making the gay part a non-issue.

Before I come out to my parents, I have confessed my identity to a very close friend of mine whom we have grew up together, study together and did NS together. Upon knowing that I am gay, he tried to distance me as if I was already a HIV carrier and eventually I knew he got married without inviting me to his wedding and he onced teased me that he will choose me as his best man on his happy day. I have lost a friend because I thought he could accept me for being who I was. Having experienced this setback, sometime it is good not to be too "honest" if our society has not moved fast enough to catch up with such maturity mindset to accept gay people.

Look at it this way, I think it is him who made the conscious decision to lose a friend vs. you. You still want to be friends with him right? If so, then it is he who lost a friend, not you cause you are still friends with him. He could not accept you for who you are but you accepted him for who he is. That's friendly in my books You were honest with him because he is your friend.

If your parents are the conversative, extremely religious or even closed minded folks, they might risk everything (including their life) to correct you. Who will suffer in the end? whoever wins, nobody wins. There will always be one victim left behind to nurse the loss battle.

In this modern day and age, what is their to correct? Homosexuality is not a mental illness nor some form of spiritual manifestation. As for the suffering, if you think about it, by denying who you are, pretending day in day out to be someone you are not, is that not suffering? Having to live up to something you are not, being made to feel guilty about it, is that joy? Coming out is not a competition. It is not about suffering. It is about being honest with yourself and to the people you love and care about. Granted one can make the choice of keeping the harmony by keeping his mouth shut and remaining in the closet, but by doing so, this person is condemning himself to a life of secrets and lies.

Stop being the victim and do something about it. By pretending everything is ok, la-di-la is not ok for you. At the end, everyone is happy but you, but you allow yourself to think that you are happy because you've made everyone else happy. Sigh! I think this is the sad part about our Asian mentality/values. We have to sacrifice our own happiness for the happiness of others. It is the noble thing, the right thing to do.

Once you have kindled a fire in a forest, there is no turning back to stop it and god blessed there is no wind to worst it and every dear things in that forest utterly destroyed out of your selfish desire to let the world see your so-called fireworks.

Following the thought of the forest fire, out of the ashes the phoenix will rise. A new beginning.