Gay Coming Out Stories / videos / experiences - Family acceptance and the future (compiled)

[garreth]

Wah, glad that all turned out fine for you, at least you are at peace with your family and is happily attached. For me, after a couple of years of denial, I have come to terms with my sexuality however, I am still not open about it, only a few friends know, even when gays see me they could not tell that I am one. Typically the closer ones and they are generally acceptive and I am thankful that I can bitch and enjoy their company. The family thing is the biggest booboo that I do not know how much longer I need to hide from them, people are starting to ask, and it does not help if my sister sees me everyday and ask me when am I getting a gf, I always want to tell them bf also cannot get talk about gf, haha. All guys go for looks, getting a suitable bf is worse then getting a needle in the ocean, just want company and companionship. When I am not attached, I yearn to be attached, attached, feelings of hurt depressing will come in, no matter what also not happy. May I ask, who is happy being single? I do know people who brought their BF and introduce them as friends or business partners during CNY to their relatives tougues wag and over the years people just accepted who they are, I do not think I will ever be so courageous. The worse thing is emotions and I wonder if the D day ever come, but I do know that no matter what your parents will stand by you. That is unconditional love. Somehow when I read all these posts, I feel emotions stirring inside me, it warms my heart to know how well things will turn out to be, but the journey there is always never smooth, emotions will run, dramas will happen, not as if i have not seen enough dramas, but being the only son, I think I have a moral obligation to take care of my aging parents afterall my sister has moved out.

Edited September 10, 2009 by GachiMuchi

[oralb]

I have changed the title to place a more proper terms for the posting, and also add in positivity in the thread.

With all the cruising, sauna, sex and massages threads, sometimes we got gem thread like this (dont get me wrong, I am a faithful follower of the sex-related threads)

While all these heartwarming stories with happy ending may not be possible for everyone, it would be sure to point out that they had gone through their fair share of struggles and turmoils.

Most importantly tell yourself, you are NOT alone. There are people that encountered similar situations and live to tell their tales.

[Guest A registered Bw member]

I'm 19 going 20. I dun have a happy family like u all.

[oralb]

dear focus on what you can change, not those your can't.

you can't change your family, can you? so stop brooding over it.

Go out there, look for friends who can support you.

I may sound like simplify things, but what's the point of complicating them?

Be strong

[4Kix]

Like this thread too - so will share my story. I came from Malaysia.

Lived with my parents till I was 19 - no sex build up except a couple of crushes at school (all boys school - the crushes turned out straight!) and did the usual mutual masturbations behind the school toilet. My brothers attended the same school and one of them found me once in the library with my head on another boy's crotch - this was after school so didn't expect anyone to be around but of all things, had to have my younger brother come looking for me. Made a lame excuse about it and hoped it was forgotton. He never brought it up to my parents. I had better be more careful now.

Years passed and I went abroad for tertiary studies - there I went wild! I discovered pxxn, saunas, gay society, et al. But always ALWAYS lived in fear that some of my fellow countrymen might see me and somehow report this back home! That was the extent of the fear. I had flatmates who basically left you alone but I still needed to hide my pxxn and live the lie... I always had the irrational feeling it would all lead back home! People didn't really care I'm sure. Still...

Finally home from studies and back to my parents' home and new friends - you'd think it easier to come out to new people - if they are homophobic they just walk away and you hadn't invested too much emotions into that relationship, but people talk. It might just come back to haunt you. Damn! Tried having girls around to see if I could be cured (folks were delighted, of course) and a few of the girls at church did pick me over some real nice looking guys... a glib tongue is a real asset in romance. I broke a few hearts and I soon developed a very solid why-I-choose-to-remain-single story that would protect me - it was such a sell, my straight friends were buying it hook line and sinker, vowing never to marry before me; vows few kept much to their chagrin later in life.

But as time went by, the rumour mills were going - he's gotta be gay, he's even turning the prettiest girls down, "are you for real?"... things were coming to a head. I flew the cuckoo's nest and came to Singapore.

I started out living with my older brother and his wife. It was stifling - don't get me wrong, I had all the freedom in the world, no time checks no curfew, few questions, but I was a homebody so that helped, I guess. I still had my flings outside, cruising all the places you can find on this site and others. But never could bring someone home to enjoy - always in toilets, saunas, dark streets, bushes. Finally, saved enough to get a 1 room place of my own. Oh, the peace and tranquility - no more kids coming in and out of your room, watching pxxn whenever I wish, bringing tricks home when I felt like it. But I treated my place like a sacred place - only bringing home those I decreed worthy of lasting relationships lest they screw up my paradise. Brought very few home. They never lasted. I still have my refuge though.

My younger brother recently told my mom that I'm gay and my mother was just casually asking. I told her he thinks anyone without a woman is gay (he's a Casanova). But I remembered he had seen me in the library before. My mom didn't pursue, so I let it ride. I tried to come out to some very close church friend but they NEVER asked directly in a private setting; I would have told them if they were sincere. Many people have asked directly but, damn fools, always in a group setting and pointedly to embarrass. So I never admit and usually come back with terribly cutting rebuttals (as if to confirm?!). One day, after watching Mardi Gras in the theatre (hooray for gay theatre!)- I liked their open lives so much - I decided to come out to a lady colleague - married mother with kids who is very stable. She accepted me unreservedly. Then a second very open colleague. Then I stopped cos they were all I needed but the relief of being able to hangout with these two was such a breath of fresh air. I could talk openly. Everyone speculates but few dare ask for fear of a guaranteed vitriolic encounter with an acid tongue.

I'm not sure I want to come out to my mom (dad died years ago but I suspect he knew - I used to get dolls when the other boys got guns) - she might blame herself cos my dad often chastened her when she became too close to us boys - that she'd make us gay!! Father was so astute in his simple way!

My brothers no longer ask as I've been on my own for a while now. Being away from the family helps a lot. I live far from everything so no one drops by uninvited.

I don't feel lonely at all. I enjoy the time by myself. I do go out on occasion and meet people but I know I have my sanctuary. I have no great yearning to have someone share that with me. If someone happens along, fine, I guess. But after a while, you tend to treasure and jealously guard the peace that is home. I know I'm still living some kind of a lie, but I'm not strained by it too much.

Not sure if this makes much sense or helps anyone (it helped me a bit - this is quite cathartic), but, thought I'd share it just the same.

[Andy@Tokyo]

Hey guys thanks for the sharing. this thread is indeed a good read.

[abang]

I came from a traditional Chinese family and my siblings are all married before I turned 30.

So I was living with my parents in a 3-bedroom apartment.

I had paid my dues by attending university and had a stable job.

So there was no REBEL in me.

In 1991-92, I met a university professor in Darwin, Australia while I was there for a holiday.

It was very romantic then when we exchanged snail mails weekly.

Then he visited and stayed in my room for 2 weeks.

No questions asked.

The long distance relationship ended because of the physical distance between us.

In 1994-96, I met another university professor in London and history repeated itself.

Over the years, I have this affinity (fetish?) with academic professionals and my mother

had gotten used to them. Perhaps at the back of her mind, she may be thinking that her

son got "taste"!

In 2000, I met a handsome American who lived in Singapore. We were so closed and we took

my mother out quite regularly for supper. Yes, he was a foodie and we even had breakfast

at the zoo once. My mother gave a stamp of approval for this man.

So coming out was never a sudden decision but looking back at how things evloved, it is

better to break your sexual preference gradually. Should you want to bring home your friends,

make sure they dressed decently... we are still kids in the eyes of our parents. Let them see

that the gay lifestyle is not a decadent one. We are not destroying our morales as we remain

filial.

[castaway]

Wow, it has been long time this forum has an interesting topic like this. I like it very much ... many nice stories to learn :clap:

In my opinion, when you start working, when you start having stable income, when you think you can take care yourself ... it is time to move out. It is not because you are gay, even straight people should do so ... of course, we are Asians, we are more family-oriented but world changes, ... living far from your family does not mean that you can not take care your parents, many people living in the same house, under the same roof but are you sure they take care their parents well ? ... I am not judging anybody but I support for moving out solution when you are financial independence.

If you dont have enough money to buy your own house, then rent it. If renting the whole apartment is expensive then a room for your own is good enough to me.

But living alone is not that easy at all, you can have your own space, no curfew ... but you have to take care your life, you health carefully... not all the time call your family to bring this bring that ... Since I am moving out, the scariest and worriest thing I am afraid is being ... sick.

I agree that if you can open to your siblings or best friends, it should be first step ... why ? Because we are in the same generation, it is easier to understand ... but it seems not applying to my case ... but I will try it one day, I wish my brother can understand as paddle_up's bro ...

For me, family is one thing which caused you depressed but office is another main factor. For family, if they found your ID, they wont harm you, may be it will be very disappointed for parents ... I can sympathise why they react such but who will sympathise me, I dont choose to be gay.

I have more stress from office. Some colleagues/friends are nice, very nice actually, if they know that I dont like to discuss about the relationship thing, they wont mention about it. But some are really asshole. They will mention and ask you in public many times, sometimes whole week ... just for their fun.

In my opinion, I dont care which chicks those assholes fukc, how do they fcuk their partners, why do they want to know my sex life ? So for me, I just ignore their questions ... but still very stressful ... that's what I discover the difference between Asian and Western countries.

I think the story of slayer is very positive and fruitful one. Wish you keep all your relationships the BEST.

I still remember the movie, Just a question of Love, when the son told to his dad that "It is not about straight or gay, it is about his Love"

[garreth]

Sigh, Being gay and with no kids, if got bf is good if dont have ... we are doomed to be alone especially after your parents are gone. Sick also er ya, need to take care of myself.

But living alone is not that easy at all, you can have your own space, no curfew ... but you have to take care your life, you health carefully... not all the time call your family to bring this bring that ... Since I am moving out, the scariest and worriest thing I am afraid is being ... sick.

Wow, it has been long time this forum has an interesting topic like this. I like it very much ... many nice stories to learn :clap:

In my opinion, when you start working, when you start having stable income, when you think you can take care yourself ... it is time to move out. It is not because you are gay, even straight people should do so ... of course, we are Asians, we are more family-oriented but world changes, ... living far from your family does not mean that you can not take care your parents, many people living in the same house, under the same roof but are you sure they take care their parents well ? ... I am not judging anybody but I support for moving out solution when you are financial independence.

If you dont have enough money to buy your own house, then rent it. If renting the whole apartment is expensive then a room for your own is good enough to me.

But living alone is not that easy at all, you can have your own space, no curfew ... but you have to take care your life, you health carefully... not all the time call your family to bring this bring that ... Since I am moving out, the scariest and worriest thing I am afraid is being ... sick.

I agree that if you can open to your siblings or best friends, it should be first step ... why ? Because we are in the same generation, it is easier to understand ... but it seems not applying to my case ... but I will try it one day, I wish my brother can understand as paddle_up's bro ...

For me, family is one thing which caused you depressed but office is another main factor. For family, if they found your ID, they wont harm you, may be it will be very disappointed for parents ... I can sympathise why they react such but who will sympathise me, I dont choose to be gay.

I have more stress from office. Some colleagues/friends are nice, very nice actually, if they know that I dont like to discuss about the relationship thing, they wont mention about it. But some are really asshole. They will mention and ask you in public many times, sometimes whole week ... just for their fun.

In my opinion, I dont care which chicks those assholes fukc, how do they fcuk their partners, why do they want to know my sex life ? So for me, I just ignore their questions ... but still very stressful ... that's what I discover the difference between Asian and Western countries.

I think the story of slayer is very positive and fruitful one. Wish you keep all your relationships the BEST.

I still remember the movie, Just a question of Love, when the son told to his dad that "It is not about straight or gay, it is about his Love"

[Guest parker]

I live with my BF for more than 10 years but my family didn't know his existence! they only know I am living outside but thought I rented a room and live on my own. Not sure if my parents suspected anything but I happy it remain that way. My mum kind enough to stop asking when I am finding a girlfriend.

The way I moved out to avoid unhappiness is rather cunning. At first I lied to them I am working in Malaysia so they can't object anything. The first few years were rather dangerous as I am always worried I bump into my relatives outside when I am suppose to be in Malaysia. After a few years I told them I "moving back to Singapore" but staying outside on my own. By then they already got used to me not staying with them so it was rather easy.

My biggest worry now is I think it's unfair and myself being selfish to my BF that he didn't get to know my family. Spoke to few of my closer friends and they told me sometimes it's better to remain this way.

[4Kix]

I reckon coming out justifies some consideration.

If I had a lover whom I cannot live without and want to be with freely and openly, I would make a stand. Coming out serves no other purpose - straight folks make no affirmations of their heterosexuality. What else can you not do without coming out?

Families skirt the issue if they can help it - esp if not flaunted indiscriminately as to cause unwelcomed disharmony and tongues wagging. Moving out helps immeasureably here.

If I love someone dearly, we would likely want to do things together, live together unashamedly. We really don't owe explanations to everyone to do this. If we are seen - we are friends ... dear friends. If the enquirers have wisdom, they'll knowingly accept and are unlikely to raise a hackle.

My love soon becomes a part of my everyday life and the family will clue in. If asked, I'll come clean; he'll be worth the asking "price". It helps greatly if you've moved out as it won't be an in-your-face effrontery that grates and it ameliorates the anxiety. Family might or might not accept immediately but with space,time,and maturity, their love for you will win out.

... till my love comes along.

[Guest A registered Bw member]

Sigh. Seriously. Who's the one that's going through more emotional trauma? The one that's gay, or the parent who realises that he/she has a gay child, or a person who realises that his fren is gay. People just don't understand and empathise. Those homo-haters and sarcastic sholes should get their retribution by having homosexual offsprings. And when that happens, i wonder what kinda reaction their kids will get when they hears their parents critisizing homosexuals being "unnatural", "gross", and just like the professor who got owned and chickened out "gay sex is as good as sticking a straw up ur nose".

[garreth]

Sigh. Seriously. Who's the one that's going through more emotional trauma? The one that's gay, or the parent who realises that he/she has a gay child, or a person who realises that his fren is gay. People just don't understand and empathise. Those homo-haters and sarcastic sholes should get their retribution by having homosexual offsprings. And when that happens, i wonder what kinda reaction their kids will get when they hears their parents critisizing homosexuals being "unnatural", "gross", and just like the professor who got owned and chickened out "gay sex is as good as sticking a straw up ur nose".

At the end of the day, it is how people look at the issue and to see if people are willing to accept homosexuality, for me, I am still rattling with this conflict, I do not know how to answer to friends and especially family when they expect you to have a family and bear children for them to carry. People talk behind their backs and while some people may just choose to strug it off, for some reason I am still uptight about how my friends and family think about me if they seen me hanging out with gays, and the inevitable question will pop up. It seems that I still have qualms about fully accepting myself as a homosexual, and of course there are people who knows and they are fine with that. I once have a female friend who told me str8 or gay, you are still a nice person. Maybe that is the female side, how about guys? Are straight guys more homophobic? As much someone can remain openly gay and like to enjoy their relationship openly with their partners, rather then keeping their relationship under wraps I am seeking someone who is really straight acting whom I can enjoy company with and of course good communications and acceptance of each other, and to others, it may seemed like we are just close friends. Looks like this conflict will be in me for quite sometime until I have sorted them out emotionally.

[night listener]

You can live to the end of your day, and the majority will still not accept homosexuality. That I can assure you.

Why bother what others think about you? Its out of your control. Well, not quite true but then again...

Sure, you can act and pretend to be straight. But that's not who you are. Why conform to others' ideal of who you are or what you should be?

You have only one life, live it. Live it to YOUR expectations, NOT to others'.

Isn't it a miserable life trying to be who you're not?

Take the time to come to terms with who you are, gay or bisexual. May not be easy but it has to start with your thoughts.

It may take a lifetime, but let's hope it does not. Some guys have it easier, others not as much.

[castaway]

Talking about real stories of coming out, I just watched this movie "Prayers for Bobby", it was based on a true story of Bobby Griffith.

It is very beyond touching movie that will definitely bring a tear to your eyes as it did to me. I really love the last scene when the Mother came out of the Pride and hug a young boy who looks like her son, Bobby.

The basic story was just so incredibly sad, Sigourney Weaver gives a fantastic performance. Regardless of your religious persuasion, you need to accept your children for who they are. You may not agree or like it, but they are your children and you have to be tolerant, respectful, loving and patient.

And again, I like the quote of Marry Griffith very much in the end of this movie :

"So, before you echo "amen" in your home and place of worship. Think. Think and remember a child is listening".

You can watch it on youtube but if you want to download movie, here are the links :

http://rapidshare.com/files/192642604/ExMov-PFBobbyDvD.part01.rar

http://rapidshare.com/files/192642289/ExMov-PFBobbyDvD.part02.rar

http://rapidshare.com/files/192647791/ExMov-PFBobbyDvD.part03.rar

http://rapidshare.com/files/192642575/ExMov-PFBobbyDvD.part04.rar

http://rapidshare.com/files/192646484/ExMov-PFBobbyDvD.part05.rar

http://rapidshare.com/files/192647557/ExMov-PFBobbyDvD.part06.rar

http://rapidshare.com/files/192642408/ExMov-PFBobbyDvD.part07.rar

http://rapidshare.com/files/192642597/ExMov-PFBobbyDvD.part08.rar

http://rapidshare.com/files/192647398/ExMov-PFBobbyDvD.part09.rar

http://rapidshare.com/files/192644253/ExMov-PFBobbyDvD.part10.rar

P.S : Thanks again SFGAM for sharing this movie through his FB.

Edited September 18, 2009 by castaway

[doncoin]

I came out to my family about 12 years ago. It started with my older sister. I had met this guy then and we had started dating. He was my first bf. I was in love and wanted to share that happiness. I just told her. She did not judge and was as supportive as any older sibling would be and just told me to keep it low and not tell our mother. (We were a single parent family). Anyway time passes and things did not work out between the guy and I and we broke up. It was my first break up and naturally I was devastated and thought it was end of the world. I admit I was a tad dramatic in my younger days.

At that time, I was already studying in the US, and my mother happened to called. Long story short, I told her I was gay. Her reaction was that she already suspected in long time ago. Of course being the somewhat traditional Asian parent, she tried to dissuade me from being gay and now that i was single, I can start dating girls. Over the years, my mother has pretty much met every guy I dated. I think she has resigned and somewhat accepted that her son is gay. Of course I think it helps that I am living overseas as well and I think by not having her to deal with me being gay on a day-to-day reality basis helps.

Still the last time I was home, we had a major family reunion party and I took my bf then along and he met my entire family. Every one knows we are a couple: frommy grandmother to my youngest cousin. My family for the most parts have been very accepting I think, to which i am thankful.

Coming out is the most important aspect for any gay person. It is a partial but important statement of who you are. Yes, by coming out openly you risk alienating those closest to you and even rejection. BUT what you have decide is what is more important: living your life for your own happiness or living your life for the happiness of others. If others, including family members, have issues with you being happy, then you really need to figure out where to draw the line when it comes to your own happiness.

[garreth]

Saw that show. It is really sad and somewhat emotional whrecking and yes I did tear over it.

================

Don't hv to quote the who passage as it is understood which movie you were referring to. Do try to help keep the post manageable.

Gachi

[Guest A registered Bw member]

Fact is, i know the reason why i'm gay. Kinda. The only possible reason if it's not inborn, then it's due to the lack of fatherly figure since young. I haven't really have a father since young. He walked out on us. So for me i have the "to-be-protected" by a bigger guy kinda feeling. I have a bad childhood. All along my life has been different from others. Even myself. And now, even my sexual orientation is different. I really dunno how long more i can hold on. Normal frens wise, most of them dun seem vv accepting of gays. They find gays gross, disgusting, and they laugh at them.

My life already suck so badly when i'm living behind the facade of being straight. I can't imagine how it'll be like if i get exposed.

Life sucks. Mine especially. No warm family. No true friends. No future.

[cw30]

you may like to talk to ppl in oogachaga for the problem you are facing. dont keep the problem to yourself. dont feel stress for being what you are.

Edited September 20, 2009 by cw30

[Guest slayer]

Fact is, i know the reason why i'm gay. Kinda. The only possible reason if it's not inborn, then it's due to the lack of fatherly figure since young. I haven't really have a father since young. He walked out on us. So for me i have the "to-be-protected" by a bigger guy kinda feeling. I have a bad childhood. All along my life has been different from others. Even myself. And now, even my sexual orientation is different. I really dunno how long more i can hold on. Normal frens wise, most of them dun seem vv accepting of gays. They find gays gross, disgusting, and they laugh at them.

My life already suck so badly when i'm living behind the facade of being straight. I can't imagine how it'll be like if i get exposed.

Life sucks. Mine especially. No warm family. No true friends. No future.

You are the perfect candidate for a perpetual pessimist.

I had a secondary school classmate who was just like you, broken family, single mother, a brother who was a gangster... So his family never had nice stuff around their dingy, dark looking 3-room flat in Chinatown. His environment moulded him into this lonely, pathetic, beaten figure who always felt life had nothing but a bumpy ride for him. His frail and weak personality underlined his tired eyes who always seemed as if he was always ready to cry any moment.

We had a clan of gay "sisters" (3 of us in sec school and we were all his classmates)) who were ready to put our arms around his shoulders but it didn't help. He felt more comfortable cocooning himself in his shell.

Almost 10 years later, I bumped into him again and to be honest, I thought he would have killed himself along the way but no... He is still very much alive today but life has got the better of him. Balding, skinny like a drug addict, living alone in a rented one room flat, doing odd jobs here and there, still lamenting about how sad life is for him...

Is this what you want to be 10 years down the road? Allow life to pass you by? Allow life to consume you without even so much of a fight? So what if you have gay friends? That is no guarantee of a crutch to help you ride out of the hell-hole. It all depends on YOU, no one else.

You said the following...

- Life sucks... So what are you going to do about it? Make it "un-suck"!

- No warm family... Can you do anything about it? No? Then deal with it and stand up straight. A challenging environment like this can only make you a stronger person but if you choose the easy (pessimistic) way of lamenting, then good luck to you because it is a sure fire way of becoming like my ex-classmate.

- No true friends... Friends come and go and a true test of friendships would be those who are around in times of need. If these are not your true friends, then why are you still sticking about with them? Can't you stand up straight without them?

- No future... If you think you have no future, good for you because you are probably one of the few people in this world who can predict what will happen BEFORE it happens. Your future is what you make of it. If you think you have no future, then you will always have none and end up (again) like my ex-classmate - moping, lamenting, hunched, always sobbing to people with a listening ear....

You see, you can tell your sob story to people all the time and I am sure there will be willing parties to listen. Once, twice, thrice and soon when the same party realise you are not helping yourself climb out of this shithole, it becomes a pain. And I see you risking that by wallowing and dwelling in your present situation. We can provide all the advise and point you in the right direction for help but will you be willing to take the first steps to better your life? It is very easy to make a sweeping statement to say "life sucks" but ultimately, what are you going to do about it?

The onus is really on YOU, no one else.

[grazerhanes]

This i do agree with Slayer. There are many people who whine about their sorry state and not many are brave and strong enough to break away from those boundaries. Those who did are the ones who see their future now, at least that's how it's supposed to be.

I know of some around your age who trys so much to be so emotional about being and different from others, but this is all in their own perspective. Look outside now, you can easily see gays everywhere. Who are your friends to judge? I have friends who are heterosexual who cannot stand seeing lgbt on the streets, but when i came out to them, they accept me for what i am.

It's about giving yourself a chance, what have you to lose? Keep those friends in denial and be in pain yourself? Or to be happy, know new people and live the life that you want?

===================

Please practice some editing unless there are some points in the post you want to highlight. Otherwise, you don't have to quote the whole post when ur post is just after his.

Please help keep the thread manageable.

Gachi

[hazilyhasty]

At the point of writing, I'm currently not all out of the closet yet - only a few very close friends know that I'm gay but I am already getting encouragement and support along the way to tide through this.

I'm 20 and is currently studying in a local university. I've got a very close female friend before, but I'd say we had more of like a platonic relationship (nothing sexual, just very close friends). I have always questioned myself, in my confused adolescent years, that why am I not sexually attracted to my female counterparts. It took me years to confirm my sexuality and then a few more months to actually come to terms with it.

Recently I've made the decision to come out to a close group of friends that I always hang out in my university. I could still remember it was on the 26th of March (yea, it's really, very very recent) and I just felt compelled that I had to tell them, after a whole night of toiling in bed whether to do it or not. Since we have a lesbian among us I guess they would be receptive towards me - in fact, their response to me outing myself was more positive and encouraging that I have ever taught. One of my friend actually gave me a good pat in the back and said that she's very glad I chose them to be the first people I come out with, because only close friends will do that (obviously I won't anyhow out myself to a stranger, right?).

Then came last weekend when I went to Bugis to get my right ear pierced. I felt more confident of myself now and I'm not afraid of telling people that I am actually gay. Then came Monday and Tuesday and I was showered with questions in school - why did you pierce your right ear? You know what it means right? And questions like that. Then I came out to yet another friend, a faithful Christian who had an open mind on sexuality. He's my close friend too and he always called me 'gay' (as a nickname), and I can understand that he was taken aback when I came out to him. He went to the toilet to compose himself and since then we're still talking and everything is fine.

Now the next thing is coming out to my family. I'm still figuring out how to do it but since summer break is close, I guess I'll have the luxury to decide when to tell them. Now I'll just gradually come out to my other friends.

I'm still very new to this whole gay thing, but I'm totally embracing it afterall, sexuality is just a very small part of us, right? I have no gay friends so far, and I'm open to new friends from this social circle

* * *

What is your coming out experience?

Edited April 6, 2010 by hazilyhasty

[GachiMuchi]

I applause your courage in your decision and choice to come out to your friends, but I would like to caution you on coming out to ur family as they are people who love u the most and they may be the ones that will be the most hurt. They may have known all along or suspected that you are gay, but so long as they can't confirm it, they can only speculate. By coming out to them, you confirms their suspicion which May cause them grief. (I don't know for sure, as different families have different family dynamics)

I came out to a group of st8 friends last October after attending an "awareness" course. I took the cue from a fellow participant whom came out on the 2nd day of the course and decided on that nite, during our after-course-get-together to come out to my new friends. When I told them, a few of them were surprised as they never thought I am gay. Anyway, throughout the few days of the course, there was one particular guy whom I knew but had reservation coming out to him, because he knew my brother.

On the last day of the course, while we are having our after-course-get-together, I told him that he is the last person I wanted to tell about my orientation. He was speechless for a moment but accepted me for who I am. He did tell me afterward that had he not been in this "awareness" course, he would not have been receptive to gays.

Up till today, the few of us from the course are still meeting regularly and we are still close. I can be talking to them while my gaze could be staring at some cute guy whom just walk pass. I am glad that they are very receptive to who I am.

Personally, I rather you selectively come out to people as not everyone needs to know that you are gay. For those who may NOT be receptive to alternative lifestyle, I don't see a need for you to come out to them. May I suggest you give yourself a few more years when you are more financially independent before you come out to your parents.

In any case, it is ultimately your choice who you want to come out to.

Good luck.

[slayer]

I came out to a group of st8 friends last October after attending an "awareness" course. I took the cue from a fellow participant whom came out on the 2nd day of the course and decided on that nite, during our after-course-get-together to come out to my new friends.

Landmark?

[GachiMuchi]

Landmark?

nope.

[Guest darknezz]

good for you that you have come out.. but like many other ppl wld advise u, jus beware who you come out

my bf works at a MNC in SG. He came out to a few of his country men in his office last year when he was closer to them. Now they poke fun at his sexuality and makes jokes out of it in front of other colleagues. Their relationship has deteriorated since he came out to them.

The ultimate came a few days ago when my bf din want to go for lunch with them. They asked another cute guy whom my bf has never met before to ask him out for lunch instead. My bf found it weird as he had never met the guy before. Upon further probing, he found out that the guy was sent by his friends who told him tat my bf would go for lunch with him as my bf likes men.

Not sure if you want to be open to everyone or just open to close friends only. If its the latter, you might want to tell your friends to be discreet as well. if you are open to everyone, it is common to hear gossip behind your back and you must be prepared for it. I am very straight acting in the office and i do hear rumours/ gossips about gays from my colleagues.

[Guest YngChn]

At the point of writing, I'm currently not all out of the closet yet - only a few very close friends know that I'm gay but I am already getting encouragement and support along the way to tide through this.

/

/

What is your coming out experience?

Do not come out to your family. There is too much to risk. They are better off not knowing. Will they love you more after you come out? I think they will either love you less or (as with most cases) love you the same. So why risk it. Cost - benefit analysis. There is hardly any benefit of your family knowing. Better they do not know.

[Guest guest]

My first coming out experience left me devastated. Back then I was a Christian and I wanted the support and spiritual guidance of a fellow Christian. The guy I come out to was a staunch believer whom I was quite close to. He did not say much when I told him, just that he needed time to digest it. I did not hear from him after that. When I finally contacted him, all he said was that he was not going to judge me, which is ironic because by saying that he was already judging me. Suffice to say we did not keep in touch. The incident taught me a lot about friendship, and is partly responsible for shaping my views on religion today.

I did not attempt any more coming out for many years after that, and when I finally did I was very careful and selective. To date I have come out to a handful of friends, even one colleague. All took it well and were supportive.

[happy.99]

i think to come out to your family, best is not to do it.

MAy i know what awareness program and do they conduct it regularly?

Edited April 7, 2010 by happy.99

[hazilyhasty]

I applause your courage in your decision and choice to come out to your friends, but I would like to caution you on coming out to ur family as they are people who love u the most and they may be the ones that will be the most hurt.

/

/

In any case, it is ultimately your choice who you want to come out to.

Good luck.

Thank you just so much for sharing your considerable wisdom For the moment being I will come out selectively to people that I know, and I'll be starting from my close friends. I do understand that some people harbour negative thoughts about homosexuals and I think I am somewhat prepared for that. I'm confident that I'll lose a couple of friends along the way - to make things complicated I have got a rather close friend who once voiced his views about homosexuality and how he thinks it's no more different than bestiality.

I felt that if people can't accept the way I am, then be it. It's not their perogative to like me and it's not mine either to make everyone accept who I am. As long as I am comfortable in my own shell and have other friends who are supportive and encouraging, I think it isn't half bad afterall It's always impossible to please all.

Regarding coming out to my family, I have considered that very seriously in the past few weeks and perhaps I will come out to my brother first. So far he seems to be okay with the sexuality issue (from casual conversation) and I think it'll sit well with him. For my parents, I can't judge them well or anything, but I am so close to them I felt compelled to come out to them. I would say that I consider them people to be very close to me, and I find it hard to hide it from them anymore. Their open-mindedness as well as their religion (Buddhism) will perhaps help them to cope with the fact that their eldest son is in fact, gay.

I'm still leaving the option of not coming out to my parents open though

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do not come out to your family. There is too much to risk. They are better off not knowing. Will they love you more after you come out? I think they will either love you less or (as with most cases) love you the same. So why risk it. Cost - benefit analysis. There is hardly any benefit of your family knowing. Better they do not know.

I don't expect them to love me more if I come out to them *laughs* it's more like being a part of the family, I felt that it's important that there are no barriers between us. We've been a close-knit family who has an open mind for many issues, and I think both will help them cope with my coming out process.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My first coming out experience left me devastated. Back then I was a Christian and I wanted the support and spiritual guidance of a fellow Christian. The guy I come out to was a staunch believer whom I was quite close to. He did not say much when I told him, just that he needed time to digest it.

/

/

I did not attempt any more coming out for many years after that, and when I finally did I was very careful and selective. To date I have come out to a handful of friends, even one colleague. All took it well and were supportive.

I am terribly sorry to hear that :/ I understand that coming out is not easy because I'm currently going through it. I would say that I'm 1/4 step out of the closet at least I've came out to my close friends, but for others I do accept the chance that they may reject me. I'm not going to blame them beause of their personal beliefs. However, what your coworkers have done is completely irrational, rude, ignorant, childish and disrespectful. My closest friends told me that they won't tell anyone about me being gay unless I tell them it's okay to do so because they understand that in this process of self-discovery, it's important to take things into our own hands.

In fact, a very close friend of mine is actually a Christian. She is totally cool with me being gay, and she said that "I don't discriminate against gay people because of my religion." I was so touched when she said that.

[Guest Guest]

is there a need to tell everyone u know about ur sexuality? i dont see a need.

its as good as telling everyone u meet that u r a widow/divorcee LOL.

if ppl dont ask dont tell lor...so eager to tell ppl u r gay meh?

[hazilyhasty]

is there a need to tell everyone u know about ur sexuality? i dont see a need.

its as good as telling everyone u meet that u r a widow/divorcee LOL.

if ppl dont ask dont tell lor...so eager to tell ppl u r gay meh?

Perhaps I didn't make it clear in my original post, I'm not intending to do a great shout out to everyone that I'm gay. I'm just going to tell when people ask. If they don't ask, I won't tell

[Guest rick]

Hey, how do you guys tell your parents you're gay and whats their reaction? do they agree to it?

My mum keeps persuading me to get a girlfriend as I'm not that young already...

I'm new to this forum so I'm not sure if this question has been posted before, so, ya...

[kiddo94]

Hey, how do you guys tell your parents you're gay and whats their reaction? do they agree to it?

My mum keeps persuading me to get a girlfriend as I'm not that young already...

I'm new to this forum so I'm not sure if this question has been posted before, so, ya...

I dun even bother to tell them. Seriously, they be hurt. Just imagine, they are having hopes about u

getting a girl, get married and maybe having a grandchild. If they noes abt this, they'll be crushed!

[Guest boi]

Hey, how do you guys tell your parents you're gay and whats their reaction? do they agree to it?

My mum keeps persuading me to get a girlfriend as I'm not that young already...

I'm new to this forum so I'm not sure if this question has been posted before, so, ya...

You are not the first one to experience this. It is harder as one get older and one is expected to get a gf, get married and have kids.

I am also having problems with this issue. Sigh.

Oh well, I guess just have to let time takes its course.

Eventually, they will be tired of asking the questions already. lol.

Or tell them is soooo good to be single

[suckling_pig]

I told them when I was 16.

They did not believe me at first, and thought I was just young and confused. But soon they noticed that I had no interest in girls and knew it was not just some passing phase.

To all you agonising people out there, let me tell you that your mothers will accept you. Fathers will say things like "If I find out my son is gay, I will throw him out of the house". Then when confronted by the reality that one of their children are actually gay, they tend to look at things differently.

Give them some time, and they will see you for the decent human being that you are. My whole family knows my sexuality, and are comfortable with it. My brother asks me to take his two young sons swimming every weekend.

Coming out to my family is one of those things in life that I am very sure I made the right decision. It relieves me of the constant agony of hiding, and it relieves your family from false hopes and endless expectation.

You have been given the gift of life. You alone have to make the decisions to make the best of it. Isn't it better to be a loving, and honest but gay son, rather than a bitter, mentally anguished, unfulfilled father-of-the-grandchild ?

Hope this helps.

SP

[Guest Ian lim]

i am 19 years old..actually i also very afraid about this question.

i afraid that they will find out i am gay..so i act as i love girl..even i go to gay website i also need to wait they sleep.

but 迟早有一天，they will ask me when will i bring my girlfriend home?what kind of girl u love?...

i dun know how should i answer them..but i know that i cant tell them that i am gay.

i alway hope that i can have a boyfriend or a gay friend..but it let me feel guilty to them..

so i think that we should be alone，then we will not hurt them.

[castaway]

There was a topic about this, try to dig it then you can find many nice and touching stories ...

[doncoin]

Hey, how do you guys tell your parents you're gay and whats their reaction? do they agree to it?

My mum keeps persuading me to get a girlfriend as I'm not that young already...

I'm new to this forum so I'm not sure if this question has been posted before, so, ya...

I came out to my mom 12 years ago. Her reaction was, "I suspected this long time ago..."

Initially she did wanted me to try and change, get a girlfriend etc. but over the years, she has come to accept that I am gay. We don't really talk about it. She knows who I am dating, met the guy etc. But that as far as we go, though like all mothers she is somewhat curious to find out if her son is top or bottom. Go figure.

Coming out to parents is a big step, and be prepared for ANY kind of reaction they may give you. But if you never take the first step to tell them, you will never know how they will react.

[slayer]

Sorry you are going through this because for those of us who came out, we all went through our own fair share of troubled times and sleepless nights - some more than others.

There is really no fixed formula as to how to come out to your parents. Each family dynamics differ and what worked for me, might not for you. Only you know your family best. Some might tell you not to come out but this could be at the expense of your own sanity. Others would say go on and take the bull by the horns but this also means hurting your family along the way.

To me, the hurt is like trying to remove a band-aid on a hairy arm. Do it slowly, it is bound to prolong the pain. Rip it out once and for all, there will be a short squeal and a shot of adrenaline, but you get it over and done with. Will your family be able to take it? I don't know. Do you have siblings to come out to first? They are normally the ones who will be able to buffer the eventual wrath (if any) from your parents.

There was a lot of drama and tears at my end when I came out. I even moved out and was estranged from my family for 2 years. Eventually they came to terms with it. Even though my parents will never be able to bring themselves to say the word "gay" (they call it my "condition"), they have come a long way from the days of calling gay people "ah kua" and "sick".

Through it all, you learn to be stronger and not let others give you shit.

You decide what's best. GOOD LUCK!

[HendryTan]

There was a topic about this, try to dig it then you can find many nice and touching stories ...

I search inside our 16+K threads. In no particular order.

Real Stories of Coming Out

Brave Souls Who Have Mustered Enough Courage To Come Out To Their Parent Or Loved Ones

I Need Help With Coming Out

I Came Out

Coming Out Experience

Feel Depress For Being Gay

Coming Out Of The Closet

[sfguy123]

sorry to hear, i came out to my parents when i was 18yrs old and they kicked me out... but it was my dad not my mom, mothers will always except there sons, it's usually the father that has a hard time with it... not always but in my case my father still doesn't speak to me but my mom and i talk daily... it's going to be hard to tell them but just make sure your ready for whatever comes at you

[rodroller]

I couldn't agree with u more SP. We would be leadin a lie if we jus marry for the sake of marryin inorder to start a family and to make our parents happy. At the end of it all we will be the ones in misery or might even hurt our luv ones. But on hind sight i am just not brave enough to come clean with my parents with the fear of rejection and embaressment. Guess keepin it a secret is the current option for me.

rodroller.

[tanetalz]

I couldn't agree with u more SP. We would be leadin a lie if we jus marry for the sake of marryin inorder to start a family and to make our parents happy. At the end of it all we will be the ones in misery or might even hurt our luv ones. But on hind sight i am just not brave enough to come clean with my parents with the fear of rejection and embaressment. Guess keepin it a secret is the current option for me.

rodroller.

I came out to my parents when I had my first relationship - foolishly I thought that when you are in love, you should be entirely open and truthful with people who matter to you. It did not go well - I moved out. Things were bad initially, became worse, then stabilised. We, my family and I found new ways of relating with each other. I found the awkward silences most difficult. You used to be able to speak freely before - and after the big REVEAL, things become different. So the need to learn how to relate anew is important.

15 years down the road, for me, there still is a distance - still a slight gap between me and my parents. I was lucky to have developed a more adult and inclusive relationship with my siblings. Once we mature, I guess, the issue of sexuality takes a back seat to more important things like illnesses that come, deaths and most importantly the arrival of nieces.

But still I wonder, has there been significant advantage in coming out to my parents. Does being truthful and honest obligate us to reveal everything about ourselves to our family?

For me, I will never forget the day I sat everyone done to tell them. The words literally stuck in my throat. I had to force them out. For me, I did not have the luxury of my family suspecting. They were unprepared - as I did not know how to prepare them in advance. So, at the end of my long ramble about the pros and cons, to answer your question, I sat my family down. Looked them in the eye and told them.

[Sticky&Sweet]

I'm very lucky. I came out to my parents 5 years ago - just told them I'm gay and they accepted / resigned to it. No tears, no getting kicked out of the house (cuz I've already shifted out anyways).

I thought it would be hard or dramatic cuz I'm the only child but no. Nothing has changed at all. I still meet my parents twice a week for meals and we still bond, joke, go out shopping or to the temple together.

It helps that our family is Buddhist. I think other religions are less forgiving about gays.

[easy2read]

i am now 23yo. I've never thought of coming out to them. my parents are very traditional and seem they cannot accept homosexual relationship.

it's a matter of time, my parents will urge me to get married. in addition, i am the only son in my family. once i went to visit a fortune teller and asked her about my future and she said i would have 2 wives. hahaha, wives or 'husbands' did she refer to? hahaha

[tanetalz]

Did any of you watch Permanent Residence, the film by Scud? Aside from the eye candy and the main storyline, there was one aspect of the film that was presented but not explored. In the movie the main character Ivan had come out to his younger brother years ago and the scene that remained in my mind was between Ivan and his straight younger brother on the latter's wedding day. In that scene, the younger brother told Ivan that when Ivan came out to him, he felt as if the sky had fallen on him because of the enormous respect he had for Ivan.

I wonder, if coming out to my family was for myself or for them. To a large extent, I regret the sadness I caused them. I needed to be truthful for ME but on the other hand they were presented with something they were not ready to face then.

Perhaps, if I had kept my mouth shut, they would have come to their own realisation in their own time. Or perhaps, they would not. But in any event, it would not have to be something that was forced on them - based on my agenda.

Apologies - this post sounds tragic but really it is not. We have moved on 15 years after that event. But with eyes that are 15 years older, I do wish I had not brashly albeit unintentionally caused my family pain.

[Guest a]

i am now 23yo. I've never thought of coming out to them. my parents are very traditional and seem they cannot accept homosexual relationship.

it's a matter of time, my parents will urge me to get married. in addition, i am the only son in my family. once i went to visit a fortune teller and asked her about my future and she said i would have 2 wives. hahaha, wives or 'husbands' did she refer to? hahaha

Hahaha, someone who look at my palm before also told me tht i wld have 2 wives and 2 children! And i was thinking myself, where the hell the wives and children comes from???

Anyway, no intention of telling family member i am gay. But i think even i tell them now they might not be shocked. Cos so "old" liao still no gf, i think they shld have long suspected liao, but they didn't ask me anything lah!

But i have some friends suspected i am gay liao! Cos one of them asked me, how come everyone of us got attached and married, only me still single for so long, and my friend jokingly said i shld be gay liao!

[zcbm101]

I am quite bothered by this -

I met this older guy - M. Quite nice, friendly, but not as educated as I would like and jobless. He expressed interest in going steady with me.

Now, being totally NEW to this dating thing, I consulted a colleague - V. I asked her qns like what do new dating couples talk about, what do they do etc, and in the process, I came out to her. She was very supportive (thank God!), but when she heard that the new guy is not well educated and jobless, she was so determined that I do not start anything with him.

Her reason? Because if he cannot support himself, how can he handle a relationship? And she made him out to be some cheating, manipulative predator out to rape me. Instead, she advised me to look for someone who is financially stable (read: rich) and educated.

NOW,I don't want to come off sounding like a bastard who looks down on lower education levels or low income workers (heck, I myself am only earning a measly NS allowance), but what V said made some sense - For example, I am English-educated, and at the risk of sounding like an arrogant pig, I have a good grasp of the language and mostly communicate via proper English.

M, on the other hand,speaks mainly broken English and peppers his speech with colloquial words plus Chinese/dialects. See, communicating seems to be a problem here, no? I feel like I am being atas when I speak proper English to him, hence I try to use more Singlish. He, on the other hand, tries to be polite and use whole sentences. But I feel like we're not able to communicate effectively or freely. What say you guys?

I don't think I agree with her on the part about finding a rich guy. Much as I like people to buy me stuff, I don't want to be a kept boy/pet/whatever. I suppose that I can earn my own money and support myself financially. I don't think it is right to discriminate against people who don't earn a certain amount.

Next, V told E about me. E, being extremely motherly, immediately coaxed me not to continue with M, or with any other guy for that matter. She is of the firm belief that man and woman were created to be together and that's the way it should be. She mentioned that it would not be fair to my parents (who think I am straight) who desire to have grandkids. Now, I really do not want to break my mother's heart. I do love my mother and father very very much, but they will never accept a gay son. I recognise that sometimes, we have to fight for what is ours. Other times, we must give up what we want, for the sake of others. Is this one of those times?

Now, I feel miserable. The other 2 times I came out, they were quite peaceful and positive. They say third time's the charm - I say my third time's disgusting.

[Guest boy2man]

My 2 cents:

1. M: Take it easy when it comes to starting a relationship, whether with M or anyone else. Be friends for a longer period of time to assess his character, compatibility etc.

2. V: She sounds like she is concerned for your welfare... and ultra-cautious too. Put her words in context/perspective.

3. E: How the hell is E related to you such that she can dish out advice as personal as this?? Ignore her, she sounds like a Christian fundie.

4. Your parents: Don't worry about coming out to them so early. They'll get the hint when you're still unattached in your late 20s, like me, and even if they disapprove of gay sex or gay partners or the whole idea itself, they'll accept you for who you are.