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The Cloud Diary- 白云日记☁


amuse.ed

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

Content consist of issues on suicide, kindly read at one’s discretion.

 

2023年 09月 05号 星期二 热哄哄的九月

 

是的 。。。我也怀念的是你专注的状态。。。虽然我们俩从来没说过话,从来没正在地相爱过。。。但谢谢你在我生命里曾经出现。我也了解为何你会选择这样的方式离开这个世界。。。也许我们前世曾经遇见与相爱过。。。我不盼我俩来世能够再相遇。。。我只求今世好好地待你过。。。谢谢你留给我的遗物。。。我会好好地收藏它们。。。我答应你。。。我会坚强。。。把这一世过得好好的。

 

你也有可能会遇见我妈,请帮我打个招呼,我只知道她的名有个‘’云‘’字。。。麻烦你请待我说我非常想念她。

 

上天呀。。。请您好好地保护我妈和‘’反白眼‘’。感恩!

 

EM

05.09.2023

 

菲道尔

阿拉斯加海湾

作词:菲道尔/李康宁
作曲:菲道尔
原唱:菲道尔

 

上天啊
难道你看不出我很爱她
怎么明明相爱的两个人
你要拆散他们啊

 

上天啊
你千万不要偷偷告诉她
在无数夜深人静的夜晚
有个人在想她

 

以后的日子 你要好好照顾她
我不在她身旁 你不能欺负她
别再让人走进她心里
最后却又离开她
因为我不愿再看她流泪啦

 

上天啊
你是不是在偷偷看笑话
明知我还没能力保护她
让我们相遇啊

 

上天啊
她最近是否不再失眠啦
愿世间温情化作一缕风
代替我拥抱她

 

以后的日子你要好好照顾她
我不在他身旁你不能欺负她
别再让人走进她心里
最后却又离开她
因为我不愿再看她流泪啦

希望我的努力能够赶上她
有天我能给她完整的一个家


可若妳安排了别人给她
我会祝福她
上天你别管我先让她幸福吧

 

上天啊
这些晚上我对你说的话
你别不小心漏嘴告诉她
我怕会吵醒她

 

上天啊
你千万不要偷偷告诉她
在无数夜深人静的夜晚
我依旧在想她

 

 

SOS (Samaritans of Singapore)

1-767 (24hrs)

 

Care Email

pat@sos.org.sg

 

Care Text: https://www.sos.org.sg

accessible via Chatbox function

Daily (24hrs)

 

For International helplines, kindly refer to Befrienders Worldwide. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, contact 24-hour emergency medical services

 

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

Content consist of issues on suicide, kindly read at one’s discretion.

 

2023年 09月 09号 星期六 热哄哄的九月

 

Dear Diary, I vividly dreamt of FBY...the setting was in classroom, I sat at the back and he was in front and the next moment he was beside me. He smiled at me and I woke up. It was a brief moment yet the feeling was indescribable. Tbh Dairy, I nearly fell into depression.... I don't even know how to text you how I felt back then.

 

It was the fifth day after FBY completed suicide, I was summoned to the Student Affairs Office by the Counsellor, two police Investigation Officers (IO) showed me a captured photo via U-Cafe CCTV and asked me if I knew FBY personally, I replied though we bumped into each other several times at U-Cafe but we have never spoken to each other. 

 

One of the IOs then handed me a box..... I was asked to open it, there was a sealed envelope and a familiar MP3. The IOs noted the items in their respective pocket books and left the room, leaving me awkwardly with the Counsellor.  I was told that she would have to tell my parents about this incident. At that moment, I was still in a shock and confuse state but my immediate response was a firm no.... told her that my mum has passed away, my dad went missing for awhile now and I wish to least trouble my paternal grandparents and Auntie Bee.

 

The Counsellor sounded persistent and claimed that because of my mental health challenges, she has to do something and continued to blabber something that did not really get registered in my head, the only audile statement I heard was "Do call us if a listening ear is needed, our office operates only from..... then it was more information about the Hostel Rep contact numbers and what not. The entire narration was so cold and sounded so unempathetic. 

 

I left the room hastily and returned to my hostel room, placed the box on my table and went straight to my bed and stared blankly at the ceiling. I was in a zombie state for the next few weeks, went on my normal routine...  Ah Ma called me several times to offer the 7th month prayer to the ancestors, I excused myself citing that I need to work on a project which required submission by the end of the break. I don't even have to energy to tell anyone and even to you Diary till now after what I have dreamt.  

 

That tiny box was still there on my study table, I don't even dare to touch it..... the feeling was so deja vu.... it was back to the moment when Ah Gong and Ah Ma handed over Dad's items in boxes before I was enlisted to NS. Yes I am avoiding and it has worked for me thus far so that I can better prioritised and focused on what's more important in my life right now..... glad that I have finally texted you, Dairy.

 

Mum and Dad, I wonder how will you advise me at this point of time? Please come into my dreams.... I need some comfort from you both. FBY its World Suicide Prevention Day tomorrow, I wish you well wherever you are, will read the letter and listen to the MP3 when I am more ready, ok?

 

Glad to have you with me Dairy, good night.

 

EM 

09.09.2023

 

SOS (Samaritans of Singapore)

1-767 (24hrs)

 

Care Email

pat@sos.org.sg

 

Care Text: https://www.sos.org.sg

accessible via Chatbox function

Daily (24hrs)

 

For International helplines, kindly refer to Befrienders Worldwide. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, contact 24-hour emergency medical services

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

Wednesday, 27 Sept 2000, Tired

 

三姐, into my final trimester, he did not return home again, treating this home as a hotel. I know he is getting busier at work but I cannot help but to feel I am alone in this. His mother though kind but I think she is more worry for her grandson rather than anything else. Sis-in-law still the same still talking about how great her Christian values are, trying to bring me to church. I wonder how long I can withstand all these loneliness.

 

蘇芮

是否

 

作詞:羅大佑
作曲:羅大佑
編曲:屠穎

 

是否這次我將真的離開妳 是否這次我將不再哭
是否這次我將一去不回頭 走向那條漫漫永無止境的路
是否這次我已真的離開妳 是否淚水已乾不再流
是否應驗了我曾說的那句話 情到深處人孤獨

多少次的寂寞掙扎在心頭 只為挽回我將遠去的腳步
多少次我忍住胸口的淚水 只是為了告訴我自己我不在乎
是否這次我已真的離開妳 是否淚水已乾不再流
是否應驗了我曾說的那句話 情到深處人孤獨

 

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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  • 2 weeks later...

**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

Content consist of issues on suicide, kindly read at one’s discretion.

 

2023年 10月 10号 星期二 热哄哄的十月

 

Dear Diary, it's World Mental Health Day today. As a person diagnosed mental illness (all thanks to the DSM), I couldn't help but to think any reasons for these labels to be pasted on me. It started off with my sexual orientation challenge and it escalated to a point where I have to live with the fact that I am often swinging both ends of the pendulum emotionally (suspected drug induced). In fact, I am ok Diary.... just that the Universe and ecosystem has positioned me in such a way that I have to regulate myself with the absence of my parents and many people who has left me abruptly in life. I am still very much in touch with Chris, Den and Uncle Vincent. These people are my closer contacts who I did like to express my heartfelt garatitude because they were the ones who have tided me through various storms prior to my NS and after knowing Dad's disappearance. 

 

But this time round I am reluctant to  share on FBY death via suicide with them. I don't know why perhaps I do not see it a need for me to dwell on it. As irritating as the Counsellor can be....she is still trying to engage me, thinking that I need intervention(s).

 

Am I there to feed her ego? I did told her straight to the face that I am doing well and need not a listening ear. Then she jumped the gun citing that was it because of gender issues? FBY, all thanks to you, I think I really have to roll my eyes infinite times. Gender is never an issue for me, it's the chemistry and frequencies that both people shared for that moment within that time and space. 

 

Anyway, Ah Ma called me and asked if I am available this coming weekend. Sounds like a potential match making session. Yes..... you heard me right Diary, my paternal grandmother apparently still hoping that her grandson will turn straight, settled down to bore her great grandchildren re-initated on her mission again. Now the best part is she has teamed up with Auntie Bee and claimed that she prefers a Christian girl who she believes, a much better match for me. 

 

Alas, all I wish is to be left alone. World Mental Health Day/Month looks like you will be here for awhile more, for obnoxious individuals like my loved ones.... your presence is very much needed. Mum, are you forcefully married to Dad who can be a gay (since I am already one). They said its all in the genes isn't it?? 

 

Exhausted Diary just plain exhaustion

 

EM

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二零二三年九月十六日 晴

 

是否。。。

他多年紧握着的拳头已放松

还是得给他多一个理由

再多一个理由 解开那枷锁

从已不联系的那天起

他和你的缘份已到了尽头


原来。。。

他爱一个人 
可以很深层 很沉默

他即便巧遇你也无需多说
那普通不过地简单问候
过往已不再允许回头

执念。。。

他现实生活中的体面
命运解脱的弃约
那所谓高尚的激荡
还不如在平庸中渡过
他可否还需舔着那过往的伤
默认宿命中的不公不义


坚持。。。

你那所谓的信念 排山倒海 

在宇宙那渺小的他 是所谓
‘’圣人的一世糊涂

尽造就了庸人的如火如荼‘’

你人生的无与伦比 完美无瑕

更道出他那无数场的悲喜交加

 

活着。。。

就是活在一场又一场的
荒漠 闹剧 笑话 
说三道四的吵闹喧哗当中

不复存在的光阴
已渐渐被分秒吞噬
二零二三 九月十六
一个刻苦铭心的日子

 

上天。。。

安排了这一天
二零二三九月十六
原来瞬间的问候
也能处理得那么淡定 那么洒脱
他们已属于不同的维度
说穿了 就是互不打扰也无相干

 

你应该感到庆幸。。。
他过得很好 他得坚信你也一样

你们在道别的那一刻开始
就应该承诺从今往后 永不相见

其实你做得也对 把他拉黑

就足够让他把这一天定格着

 

人生剧本写到 再见到他

你们俩就得是陌生人了

你做好身心灵准备了吗?

他准备好了 他坚信你也可以一样

一样跟他洒脱 一样跟他自在

 

就忘了彼此吧

 

永别了!

 

那曾经所谓的朋友

 

白云

二零二三年十月十四日

(不是十六日)

修改于二零二三年十月二十二日

凌晨两点三十三分

 

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

Saturday, 21 Oct 2000, Tired

 

三姐,那一夜在收音机听到了一首让人刻苦铭心的新歌。。。也许歌词反映了心情。。。连梦也梦到自己在KTV唱。。。好久好久没上KTV了。蛮怀念那无忧无虑。。。但深知也回不去的那些日子。

 

生活过得好累。。。 好累

也只好硬着头皮真真切切地过

 

三姐。。。这难道就是属于我们女人的宿命?

 

 

 

出卖

作词:林夕
作曲:周传雄

 

那么多年自作聪明付出了真心
总以为换到一个公平的回应
你床边的蜷曲头发残酷的说明
长年的爱比不上一时的高兴

 

你的多情出卖我的爱情 赔了我的命
我卖了一个世界却换来灰烬
你的绝情出卖所有爱情 好梦一下子清醒
感情像个闹钟 按一下就停

 

那么多年得意忘形闭起了眼睛
还以为握紧一块安稳的水晶
你床边的陌生烟蒂残酷地说明
内心的爱比不上胸膛的温馨

 

你的多情出卖我的爱情 赔了我的命
我卖了一个世界却换来灰烬
你的绝情出卖所有爱情 好梦一下子清醒
感情像个闹钟 按一下就停

 

你的多情出卖我的爱情 赔了我的命
我卖了一个世界却换来灰烬
你的绝情出卖所有爱情 好梦一下子清醒
感情像个闹钟 按一下就停

 

那么多年得意忘形闭起了眼睛
却看到这样血肉模糊的风景

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

Content consist of issues on suicide, kindly read at one’s discretion.

 

2023年 10月 22号 星期日 热冷缠伴的十月

 

Dear Diary.... exactly one month to term exams.... I am loosing it... so many things to complete yet so little time.  Prof said that we have do a test run of the program in two weeks time but exams are near. But looks like Prof didn't wish to accede to our request for an extension. Diary don't he knows that it's Mental Health Awareness Month.  This little green dot has exactly 1.3 people completed suicide per day for the entire 2022. I often asked why was there a 0.3 since my pre-U years whilst studying statistics and research. My lecturer told us some maths formula and concepts which I convienantly forgotten and returned to him.  Lol.

 

Diary, I still lack of courage to go through FBY items..... I suspected that device contained his favourite music playlist. Gosh.... not again.... why history often repeats itself.... can I be more assertive and say no to FBY device? If I am assertive enough back then..... I would have avoided that man.... that man who I do not wish to mention his name..... I should have say no to that trip to Tianjin.... that conversion therapy..... images of what had happened pre NS days came floating back to me. Oh yes definitely no to Ah Mah match make.... I am proudly a young person who is attracted to man holistically. Slay!!!

 

The thoughts of wanting to end it all resurfaced.... yes Diary you know I even already have a concrete plan to it that only you knows. Mum.... may I join you up there soon? Dad I seriously have given up on you.  You aren't even returning or make a "cameo appearance" infront of me right? If you are me right now, what will you do? You are the worst adult role model I ever have.  I am just another byproduct of your grief mistake that fateful night, right? 

 

EM

 

SOS (Samaritans of Singapore)

1-767 (24hrs)

 

Care Email

pat@sos.org.sg

 

Care Text: https://www.sos.org.sg

accessible via Chatbox function

Daily (24hrs)

 

For International helplines, kindly refer to Befrienders Worldwide. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, contact 24-hour emergency medical services

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

30 Oct 2056 , Monday Weather 28 Celsius, Mostly Cloudy

 

朋友,我又失眠了。。。一首2014年的老歌,现在听起来,一切还历历在目。不知道你这几十年过得如何?要不是那场意外,我想我们也不会相遇吧。命运就是那样。。。不是吗?还有多两个星期医师将按照我所愿帮我进行安乐死。毕竟你是我最爱的人,所以就隔着文字,天空和这首歌向你说声。。。爱你,永别了。。。朋友。 

 

孙燕姿

尚好的青春

作词:潘协庆
作曲:郭文贤
编曲:蔡明耀

 

尚好的青春都是你 再遥远都跟随你
若滂沱大雨 不曾见证 海角相偎依
衣角怎么会湿淋淋

 

尚好的青春都是你 没有片刻不想你
就算能真在对的时间 遇见对的你

遗失的青春怎能回得去

 

千万记得天涯有人在等你
风再疾再狂我也不放弃 愿为你
直到有一刻能守着你的心

就算你不会懂也不会可惜

 

千万记得天涯有人在等待
路程再多遥远不要不回来
不去想不去计量你的心 有多明白

前往幸福的路有多少阻碍

就算给你的爱 石沉大海
青春飞逝就再 找不回来


尚好的青春都是你 没有片刻不想你
就算能真在对的时间遇见对的你
遗失的青春怎能回得去

 

千万记得天涯有人在等你
风再疾再狂我也不放弃 愿为你
直到有一刻能守着你的心
就算你不会懂 也不会可惜

 

千万记得天涯有人在等待
路程再多遥远不要不回来
不去想不去计量你的心有多明白
前往幸福的路有多少阻碍

就算给你的爱 石沉大海
青春飞逝就再 找不回来

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

07 Nov 2056 , Tues Weather 33 Celsius, Mostly Cloudy

 

Quality of Death Countdown

 

10 days more to go

Many decades on.....

the meaning remains unchanged

 

It is defined as a

 

"good death"


The word “euthanasia” itself comes from the Greek words “eu” (good) and “thanatos” (death). The idea is that instead of condemning someone to a slow, painful, or undignified death, euthanasia would allow the patient to experience a relatively “good death.” "

 

Credit via Google who has survive

Survive all these years

Despite decades of turbulence

 

His love for you has remain unchanged as well

That coincidental encounter on 16 Sept 2023

He knows that will be their final farewell 

It is his gut feel, some said intuition 

Commonly known as sixth sense 

 

Indeed from there on

You both seem to have disappeared from each other life

The affinity has broken since 

He has no regrets and he hopes you too

 

Marching towards his final days on earth....

 

He wonders if your favourites are still the same 

He wonders if your rountines has remain unchanged

If it has, it refuted that old saying chain

 

"A leopard will never change its spots"

 

He reminisces the day you both first met

The day he was rejected 

The day his heart was totally shattered 

The day he dissociated from you

The day of that incidental encounter 

The day he made that vow of no returns

The day you both met but was ignored by you

The day goes on and on..... 

 

Bittersweet and sour

Mostly moments of delights,

he choose to remember

He could have chosen to

blabber, grumble and even tarnish your reputation

But his moral compass stops him

 

Because he knows that his love for you is unconditional

Even if it is meant by relinquishing his soul ties attached to you 

He does what he did and there's no turning back since

 

He wishes himself forever peace and happiness 

That is his hope for you too, wherever you are

His quality of death is arriving soon

A little too late but better than never 

 

Will he make an U turn and choose to die of natural death? 

 

He won't 

 

His determination is akin to his dissociation from you 

 

A decision of no return

A decision that no longer been debated 

A decision that neither unethical nor needs a disclaimer

A decision that he is in great peace with 

A decision for him to "press the reset button"

(If there is one in the place)

A decision that will ascend him to heaven

(If there is one in the first place)

 

He has lived his life to his fullest 

He hopes you will too 

 

Farewell friend 

 

Farewell 

 

07 Nov 2056

(A 78 year old man experiencing an euthanasia procedure )

Edited by amuse.ed
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2023年 11月 11日 星期五 晴 

(Using 2022 template 😶‍🌫️)

 

Four years ago... ET penned The Cloud Diary for the purposes of "lamenting" and worse "ranting" on how worst his life can be, living in this pressured cooker state as a gay with a clinically diagnosed mental health challenges. Most importantly for ET's niece (once she hits 18yo) to read the content and gained more perspective on how her gay uncle navigates amidst all these challenges he faced professionally and on a personal front. 

 

Few incidences happened in 2023 which ET felt is worth mentioning: 

 

1. still stays nicotine free

 

2. drinking habit is more regulated

 

3. Still adjusting to his MDD label and glad he stays off psychotropic medications

 

4. Nil visitation to medical institutions

 

5. More indepth understanding on the concepts of trauma informed care

 

6. Asserted on his parent's several attempts of match making sessions

 

7. Bumped into X and finally they managed to talk to each other this time without X turning away from him.

 

The Universe has again been very kind to ET. Through it all, he was led to individuals and groups whom spoke to him in greater maltitudes on how ET can possibly experiences his life with more dignity, wisdom and discernment. ET body, mind and soul are still on this constant calibrations and realignments, he sees as a lifetime homework he needs to do.

 

Moving on, ET will still be

 

1. detaching from all wordly pursuits 贪嗔痴慢疑

 

2. accepting the realities of this world

 

3. empathising those people who may not share the same 三观 as ET. Live and let live.

 

4. Staying amuse by how metaphysics  support ET and transforms his life gradually as he advances in years 

 

5. thankful to people who he is going to encounter in the future

 

ET wishes Cloud that you will continue to stay carefree and float up on that clear blue sky... be a blessing to people who need shades from the sun, rain when there's drought and launching pads for countless rainbows that bring comfort to lots of children and adults with an inner child in them.

 

Cheers to many 11.11 to come. 

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

YYYY/MM/DD..... Cloudy.......  Feeling: Helpless

 

Diary, another sleepless night, the project has finally take flight after many discussions and several disruptions. I questioned them on the ethics behind this project, they convienantly brushed me off with this comment, "let nature takes its course"but Diary, the entire project is initiated by man in the first place. What absurdities! Seriously, I really have "to salute them" for being so "steadfast" to the point of being  extreme. I care less about this project now. 

 

On the personal front, Khim told me that there's no other choices and the customeries have to be followed. I can feel the shackles binding Khim. Honestly, it pains me, wishing that this nightmare would soon be over but guess that we were both plain naive, too young, too tender for all these. 

 

"We still can meet up periodically" 

 

That was Khim final parting six words but I can only say at this juncture, both of our life script are written as such, especially when the Divination Master instructed Khim to abide to the narrative, some say is fate. Diary, feeling so helpless but life has to carry on without Khim from today onwards, isn't it? 

 

Khim, I wish you peace, health and happiness. And may you fulfill your loved ones desires and also all that  traditions. 

 

Farewell, my friend.

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

Content mentioned of suicide. Reader's discretion is advised.

 

Thursday, 16 Nov 2000, I can't feel anymore

 

三姐,I dreamt that I was literally pushed into a sardine packed train full of people from behind. That process of pushing was so suffocating that I woke up abruptly, attempting to sleep again but couldn't. He is on OT again but I don't really care.

 

The gyne told me it will be anytime within this week that the baby will deliver. Am I concern of the excruciating pain? Honestly, no pain is more than how I am being abandon by him and his family. I feel like a machine, a lifeless item that churn out another life for the sake of helping them to continue their family lineage or legacy.

 

I am starting to hate this child, 三姐, am I normal? As a mother, I am suppose to love my own flesh and blood isn't it? But why aren't I am feeling that love for this child? The gyne told me to watch out for pre and post natal depression, I smiled wherever the gyne spoke of it.  Perhaps I have pretended so well that there is no single clue that I am unhappy and so unsatisfied with my life. There were times I really wish to end it all but there's always this little whisper that I need to bring this baby into the world first, 三姐 is that you who spoke?

 

Maybe this is what I have owed him and his family from my previous life or even several lives back. It can be my bad retribution and bad karma that fibally caught up with me after all these centuries.

 

But why at this life with this foetus in me? If there is one thing that I can turn back the clock, is to never have met him and fell for him. Writing these disgusted me and make me want to puke. If there is one person I did like to thank is his father who never fails to cook my favourite dishes ever-since I first step into this household. Thanks Dad, you haveshown me that not all fathers behave like a pervert... a beast.

 

Finally Eng Ming, my boy, Mummy may not be able to walk alongside with you for long but my hope is that you will grow up to be a person of integrity, compassion and most importantly be true to yourself, even it meant that you are a person who seems to be different and pursue your true love rather than making another lady suffer. 

 

This song is for you, my son.  May you have that courage to find authentic love.... perhaps by your time it's no longer an issue or challenge anymore. 

 

三姐, I need a courage of a different kind.... you will see me through, right?

 

梁静茹

勇气

作词:瑞业
作曲:光良

 

终于做了这个决定 

别人怎么说我不理
只要你也一样的肯定
我愿意天涯海角都随你去
我知道一切不容易
我的心一直温习说服自己
最怕你忽然说要放弃

 

爱真的需要勇气 来面对流言蜚语
只要你一个眼神肯定 我的爱就有意义
我们都需要勇气 去相信会在一起
人潮拥挤我能感觉你
放在我手心里 你的真心

 

终于做了这个决定 

别人怎么说我不理
只要你也一样的肯定
我愿意天涯海角都随你去
我知道一切不容易
我的心一直温习说服自己
最怕你忽然说要放弃

 

爱真的需要勇气 来面对流言蜚语
只要你一个眼神肯定 我的爱就有意义
我们都需要勇气 去相信会在一起
人潮拥挤我能感觉你
放在我手心里 你的真心

 

如果我的坚强任性
会不小心伤害了你
你能不能温柔提醒
我虽然心太急 更害怕错过你

 

爱真的需要勇气 来面对流言蜚语
只要你一个眼神肯定 我的爱就有意义
我们都需要勇气 去相信会在一起
人潮拥挤我能感觉你
放在我手心里 你的真心

 

 

SOS (Samaritans of Singapore)

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** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

21 Nov 2000 , Tuesday, Weather 26 Celsius, Mostly Cloudy

 

Diary, I am officially a father now, Eng Ming arrived on 17 Nov 2000 2.55pm, I was so busy for the past three days and just only managed to catch my breathe. Was supposed to be in the Operation room to accompany Hoon for her delivery but parents told me its best for me not to witness any blood for this season so I complied. Wonder how Hoon would feel but she seems fine with it, I saw her smile as she cuddled Eng Ming in her arms. There were some disagreements on how to breastfeed between Hoon and Ma, thankfully the nurse intervened, sometimes the experts are really needed to calm the storms. 

 

I held Eng Ming in my arms, still in a surreal mode for me..... Ma said that Eng Ming has my eyes and Hoon forehead. Pa immediately interrupted that a child blood came from the mother and the energy (soul) from the dad. Sometimes I really marveled over Pa's system of beliefs. Anyway, have been super busy at work, was activated for duties due to a plane crash while it took off at the airport which kills almost 90 people. First time witnessing families who are in distraught and disbelief, no one would to expect such mishap to take place especially when the airline is one of the more reputable ones in the world. RIP for those who has passed on. 

 

There were also more house break-ins within the public and private estate at the precinct, cannot be help when the world economy is pretty gloomy now.... pick pocket, robbery and snatch theft are on the rise as well. The criminals convicted are mostly drug addicts with multiple past offences. Its sad to see men who are in a dire state especially when they have families with younger children and older parents.

 

Its definitely challenging being a man in the Asian society, I believe that the nature has its purposes why men are being build and coded in this manner, physically to be the breadwinner. But when it comes to the matter of the heart and sensually..... it can be so drastically different.... just a thought.... Diary.... really no time to dwell into these. Anyway, thankfully,  I have set aside my finances for Eng Ming i.e. diapers, essentials and full month celebration, his education and Hoon confinement period expenses. Wish me all the best and grant me the energy I needed, Dairy. 

 

Eng Ming, as your name depicts.... may you grow up to be a man full of wisdom, discernment, diligence and intelligence, intellectually and emotionally. 

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2023年 11月 25日 星期六 晴

 

 

就是它 静悄悄地
终于在我心中萌芽
就是它 让你我爱恨交加
所有 酸甜苦辣
贪嗔痴慢疑 全起源于它

 

它 让你我抒发
情绪里的那份情怀
放下 所牵的那盅挂
对过往 没丝毫的倦恋
对离世 也不再纠缠

对得不到的东西 不再执念

 

它不是什么神药 无需寻觅
就藏在你我心中的莫个角落

它是一种态度 一种行动
这世悟不到 来世再循环地修炼


时间未必能冲淡一切 
但耗尽的是那长年累月

它就埋在你我心中 就像颗种子
需要适当的环境让它萌芽
苦怒悲哀 都是它生长的温床


希望 你就是那悟性高的人
毕竟 敢于担当是件苦差
把它 置身事外 不纷不扰
或许显得更加轻松自在

 

它不是一种自负的表态
反而是谦卑地尊重他人

把人事物看得通透
使人内心放松许多

 

它 就是默默无闻的《释怀》
希望这颗释怀的种子

能在你我心中茁壮成长

让你我少些庸人自扰 精神内耗
多些 心想事成 喜乐平安 心灵顺畅

 

白云

25.11.2023

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  • 3 weeks later...

**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

Content consist of issues on suicide, kindly read at one’s discretion.

 

2023年 12月 12号 星期二 热冷缠半的十二月

 

Dear Diary.... another insomnia night. Received news from Auntie Bee that my fourth maternal great grand uncle fell from great height at pass noon just now. Another suicide completion... i recalled there is this advocacy movement going on at this name Singapore, a tiny red dot that depicts building "a zero suicide" society as their preventive programme. My first thought is these advocates must be living in their own ivory tower and has lost touch to life realities. Perhaps they are the so called elites who has never experience life sufferings and challenges. Anyway, Ah Ma is too distraught to speak to me over the phone. I was told that since its an unnatural death, there will be an autopsy conducted on 四舅公, he will be immediately cremated after that.  There is no obligation to pay him the last respect. Never close to him, all I knew he was in his early 60s. Perhaps Dad is closer to him.... right.... Dad?

 

Exams ended almost closed to two weeks ago and new term starts only in Jan 2024. FBY MP3 is still sitting right there in my drawer. Meanwhile I am getting bored.... seriously bored. Should I open that box, Dairy?

 

Glad I am feeling sleepy now.  Time to sleep.

 

Rest in Peace, 四舅公.... kindly say hi to my mum and FBY. Maybe you will get to meet them. 

 

 

EM

 

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

Content consist of issues on suicide, addictions, kindly read at one’s discretion.

 

2023年 12月 15号 星期五 热冷缠半的十二月

 

Dear Diary, woke up for a pee... couldn't sleep.... its 3.06am while I am texting this to you. Went to my inbox, was surprised to see my deceased maternal fourth grand uncle email.... the date received was on the 12.12.2023 at 12pm. Thanks 四舅公 for your final words, I will remember guidance. RIP.

 

Hi Eng Ming,

 

My grand nephew... by the time when you received this email I would be gone for the betterment of my soul and hopefully be recarnated (but most likely I will have to live in this continuous cycles of suicide completions until I find another soul to take my location of death). Sad isn't it? But it's better for me this way then staying alive in this world that doesn't resonated anymore. 

 

It took me awhile to decide if I should email you before I go.... my intuitive nature told me I should just do it. We may not be very closed but I did often carried you whilst you were still a baby. From there on, I would occasionally visit you on weekends, perhaps there's a part in me who yearns to be a father and wished to satisfy this crave of mine. I carried you and often you fell asleep in my arms..... that was 20yrs ago... and I am at the so called "prime years" of my life. Everyone around me, including your Ah Ma was worried any reasons for me not to be settled down when I am already in my 40s. 

 

Honestly, I did have a few female friends whom I could relate to, but never sexually... yes and with your intelligence, you would know by now that I have same sex attraction challenges.Finally, someone knew and the person is you who I think you will empathise with me more since your generation is more open about issues as such.  Think your Ah Ma knows about it, but she kept silence for all these years. Once I crossed 55, no longer anyone asked me when will I be married and have kids of my own.  

 

I went into mookhood for a few years in Thailand that explained why we didn't get to meet each other as much. I decided to step into the "secular world" again because I have succumbed to the different addictions of this world. Do you know that your childhood photo is placed in my wallet and a source of strength to me all these while? Whenever I sees the photo... it reminded me that I can never fulfill my role as a father, grandfather though as much as I wanted to but often than not, the photo has compensated what I could never be. Thank you for filling that void in my life. 

 

As you know, this little green dot, alike many countries, still disapproves same sex marriages, let alone surrogacy. And if I will to have one, it will be extremely expensive.  I guess that is how the world wish to eliminate people like us. I conducted an extensive research and in fact historically and culturally, it has never been an issue until religions, marriage and law constitutions permeated into the ecological system... claiming its against the nature, a man can only be married to a woman etc. I have attached a file to what I have researched thus far.... hopefully you will choose to continue my work so as to better advocate for this generation and beyond, no obligations ya?

 

Grand uncle knows that you have lost your mother at a young age and your Dad has never been close to you. There are good reasons for your dad to do that but I thought I will leave it for your loved ones to explain to you when the time is ripe. Please forgive us adults, some of us have post-traumas and challenges of our own to overcome this life (so that we won't carry it forward to the next) and have neglected your growing up needs. 

 

At last, I have got these off my chest, time for me to go. Eng Ming, Grand uncle hopes that you will grow up to be a fine gentleman, make the wisest choice in life, follow your heart and be who you really are, I know it might sounded a little cliché but it's a better remedy for alot of life challenges.

 

Last heard from your Ah Ma that you are bilingual, so proud of you, will leave this Chinese poem as a parting guidance to you. May you never follow my path needing to end your life in such a drastic manner.

 

Farewell, Eng Ming. 

 

Yours Sincerely,

Fourth Granduncle

 

PS: Please keep this email private and confidential. Don't ever let my sister, your Ah Ma knows, ok?

 

瘾瘾作痛 (隐隐作痛)

 

残存一生的我
终于抵达了生命的分叉路
三十而立 四十不惑
五十知天命 六十而耳顺
经历了风花雪月
囤积的情绪已爆裂


是我铁石心肠
还是已看淡的人事物
迷信这范儿 是各自为政

现实残酷 对事态已变麻木
也许漫天飞舞 活在象牙塔
真实与梦幻 傻傻分不清楚

才是‘’走上道的唯一归途‘’

 

又或许抽根烟 能消除那
隐藏多年的痛楚
酒精能释放心灵的枷锁
赌博能得到充裕满足
吸毒能暂时忘了痛楚

 

糊涂真糊涂
怎么我一世就那么顽固
"上得山多终遇虎
多行不义必自毙"
什么自然规律 生生不息

还不是人类的自私自利

道德绑架 让我透不过气

善中有恶 恶中有善

选择原谅又选择赤裸裸地离开

离开这儿无情冷漠的世界

 

不知还有没有下一世

就让我先走一步

希望后世不会太痛苦

能自己选择 自己的路

活得美满 活得潇洒 活得自在

 

金木由子 

12.12.2023

 

SOS (Samaritans of Singapore)

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Care Email

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Care Text: https://www.sos.org.sg

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

Content consists of hints of suicide,  kindly read at one’s discretion.

 

Sunday, 17 Dec 2000, Extremely tired

 

三姐,it's Eng Ming full month today. Its tough to breastfeed him.... surprisingly the frozen cabbage did eased my discomfort after breastfeeding him. My in laws are obviously ecstatsically delighted with the new arrival and of course they have treated me well with nicer attitude and delicious food.

 

But to me, this new arrival was a grieve mistake which was planted back then together with that man. Seriously... I didn't wish to regard Eng Ming as a discard but if there is a time travel machine, I wish to have him aborted and even not know this man in the first place. 

 

Anyway my focus now is on the baby. He can be as busy as what he wishes to be. I simply don't care. Guess he is out on his "criminal cases" again. The older generation says that for married woman like me, it's good to just close one eye and ignore what the husband is doing.

 

But how can any woman tolerate the infidelity of her own husband and especially when it's another man? Yes 三姐,I suspected that it's a man and not a lady. Absurdities right? I really do not know how to make sense out of all these. Born in the late 70s.... i didn't know of such abnormal behaviour until the late 90s.... perhaps it wasn't explicit back then.

 

When realities doom upon me.....the pain was excruciating. Hopefully Eng Ming will never be in a state where he will bring pain to another person. They said all these homosexuality thing is genetic... some say from the maternal some say paternal some say both.  I don't know and I don't wish to know too much as well.   

 

As mentioned, focus is on Eng Ming.... not anyone else. 三姐 please come to dream.... at least we can have a heart to heart chat. I am never close to Ma, 大姐 and 二姐.... both of them have families of their own. Where are you now, 三姐?? Wish I can join you asap but too bad I have mother duties to fulfill. 

 

Yours Sincerely,

Hoon

 

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

2024年 01月 01号 星期一 又是寒冷的一天

 

Dear Diary, Happy New Year 2024.... 2023 was a hectic year.... glad to have this semester break to settle down holistically. It's been awhile since I dreamt, this time I woke up from my hostel bed to a very tranquail yet unsettling feeling. I was with this elderly lady who looked like in her 80s, she resembled Ah Ma and that's when I recalled its actually my maternal great grand mother, Wai Chor-Ma who had passed on 16yrs ago.

 

In the dream, I was with Wai Chor Ma in the cab, we didn't speak a word throughout the entire journey, she held my hands as what she would normally did, we alighted at the destination. She held my arms and we walked towards a brightly lit vicinity. We bypassed a deities altar, she stopped, looked at electric praying oil lamp, turned her head towards me and smiled. That's when I woke up. As I recalled further, the vicinity was the usual Teochew restaurant we often patronised while my great grand parents were alive. In the past, we used to have occasional meal gatherings with extended relatives.... as years progresses, the relationships somehow distanced, the attendees lessen.

 

As a Chinese saying goes 树倒猢狲散 (When the tree falls, the monkeys scatter). Coming from a matrichal family and as the eldest daughter, my Wai Chor Ma helmed the power in her household and managed to unite her family clans together in unity back then but after she passed on, no one seems to be bothered to keep in touch anymore. Wonder what has happened in between and how my distanced relatives are now. Honestly if i will have see anyone of them I will not be able to recognise them anymore. Anyway, I Goggled and sought the significance behind that praying oil lamp and the content, in loosely translated English, is as such

 

"Oil lamps are very important. Everyone knows that there is a Mount Sumeru (须弥山) in the sky. If you light an oil lamp, it will be like a Mount Sumeru in the sky. This is why there are very few ashes rolled up on the incense sticks, but there can be lotus flowers on the oil lamps every day. It is not possible to worship Bodhisattvas at home without offering oil lamps, because the oil lamps are as tall as Mount Sumeru, and the oil in the lamps is as much as the water in the ocean, so it is very important to light the oil in the lamps. Add oil frequently, preferably a little oil every day. Adding oil regularly will increase your wisdom and your eyes will be better. Many people don't know how to add oil. Let me tell you a principle of life. It's like, if two people drink tea together, you add a little water to someone else, and a bit of tea to someone else. Do you think they are happy? Are you very grateful? The same is true for oil lamps. If you add oil to the Buddha and Bodhisattva regularly, your mind will be as broad as the sea. If you have any distracting thoughts, please supply more oil to the lamp and refuel more....."

 

So what was Wah Chor Ma trying to tell me in the dreams, Diary? Guess it's for me to examine in depth. Wonder if I should tell Ah Ma that I dreamt of her mother.... they were both very close  and I believe Ah Ma will still fondly thinks of her mother. Hmmm, Diary give me some wisdom in this.... oh yes FBY items are still there not forgetting Dad ones as well. May I advance my 2024 with more applied wisdom and a better harmonised body, mind and spirit. 

 

EM

01.01.2024

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

Content mentioned of suicide. Reader's discretion is advised.

 

YYYY/MM/DD..... Cloudy.......  Feeling: worried

 

Khim,how have you been since we parted? I wonder how you are now... so many things has happened eversince we bidded farewell to each other. This morning, I dreamt that I was walking along a rough muddy terrain... an abandoned construction site... climbed over structures over structures and the next moment I woke up with 微风细雨 played over the radio. Why didn't I ever dreamt of you or could it be the dreams I dreamt thus far depicted your situation? Indeed my utmost worries and concerns are extended to you, my friend, no one ever needs to know that except for this diary and me. 

 

微风细雨 (1979)

 

作词:林功信
作曲:林功信

演唱: 刘蓝溪

 

微风吹着浮云
细雨漫漫飘落大地
淋着我 淋着你
淋的世界充满诗意


微风伴着细雨
像我伴着可爱的你

看着我 看着你
看这世界多么美丽

 

啊 愿我是风你是雨
啊 微风尽在细雨里
漫步青青草地
小草也在轻声低语

诉说无尽秘密
让我们共寻觅

 

微风吹着浮云
细雨漫漫飘落大地
淋着我 淋着你
淋的世界充满诗意
微风伴着细雨
像我伴着可爱的你
看着我 看着你
看这世界多么美丽


啊 愿我是风你是雨
啊 微风尽在细雨里
漫步青青草地
小草也在轻声低语

诉说无尽秘密
让我们共寻觅

 

诉说无尽秘密
让我们共寻觅
诉说无尽秘密
让我们共寻觅

 

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

YYYY/MM/DD..... sunny.......  Feeling: at peace

 

 

That Corner  (那转角)

 

At that corner it was all so familiar 
Toasted over cups of beverages
Some days were sunny 
Some days with torrential weather 


As we both sat quietly at that corner 

Those pain and weariness seem to have gone momentarily

But I know this won't last forever 
One day either of us will be gone... because of worldly obligations

 

Indeed now you are gone....

Leaving me sitting alone at that corner

Somehow I sensed that you are still well 

This time and space are much needed 

 

Remember.....

If you are weary

there's always "That corner" 
That will be our shared space in spirit

A space where we once have many memorable moments together

 

Live well, my friend, my confidant, live well...

 

May we end well too
 

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

YYYY/MM/DD..... chilling.......  Feeling: numbness

 

金,今午在石椅坐時。。。巧听到您的名字,顯然我已老去但記憶猶新。。。他把您描绘得好像。。。

 

突然往事歷歷在目。。。養孫把這首歌硬塞入我的耳。。。他說是2021的歌。。。他彷彿知道了些什麼。。。想太多了。

 

金。。。我們從來都不是屬於彼此的。。。不是嗎?

 

PS: "这世界有那么个人 活在我飞扬的青春
在泪水里浸湿过的长吻 常让我想啊想出神"

 

莫文蔚

 

这世界那么多人

 

电影 我要我们在一起 主题曲

 

作词:王海涛
作曲:Akiyama Sayuri
编曲:彭飞

 

这世界有那么多人

人群里敞着一扇门
我迷濛的眼睛里长存

初见你蓝色清晨

 

这世界有那么多人

多幸运我有个我们
这悠长命运中的晨昏

常让我望远方出神

 

灰树叶飘转在池塘

看飞机轰的一声去远乡
光阴的长廊 脚步声叫嚷

灯一亮 无人的空荡

 

晚风中闪过几帧从前啊

飞驰中旋转已不见了吗
远光中走来 你一身晴朗

身旁那么多人可世界不声不响

 

这世界有那么多人

多幸运我有个我们
这悠长命运中的晨昏

常让我望远方出神

灰树叶飘转在池塘

看飞机轰的一声去远乡
光阴的长廊 脚步声叫嚷

灯一亮 无人的空荡

 

晚风中闪过几帧从前啊

飞驰中旋转已不见了吗
远光中走来 你一身晴朗

身旁那么多人可世界不声不响

 

笑声中浮过几张旧模样

留在梦田里永远不散场
暖光中醒来好多话要讲

世界那么多人可是它不声不响

 

这世界有那么个人

活在我飞扬的青春
在泪水里浸湿过的长吻

常让我想啊想出神

 

 

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  • 1 month later...

**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

Content consist of issues on suicide, kindly read at one’s discretion.

 

2024年 02月 14号 星期三 冷热交叉的农历正月初五

 

反白眼,我愿永远长眠也不想再梦见你 。。。你那专注的状态,还时不时在我脑海打转着。

 

怎么会这样?莫非是时候了吗 ? 是时候和你与母亲团聚? 这首歌《残念》道出我对你与母亲的思念相信也透露了很多人的心声 。。。

 

‘’动了情的人。。。如何说放就能放。。。入了心的人。。。如何说忘就能忘。。。‘’

 

在哪儿端的你过得还好吗?有碰到我母亲吗?

 

情人节(我不)快乐 我累了。。。

 

EM

14.02.2024

 

 

SOS (Samaritans of Singapore)

1-767 (24hrs)

 

Care Email

pat@sos.org.sg

 

Care Text: https://www.sos.org.sg

accessible via Chatbox function

Daily (24hrs)

 

For International helplines, kindly refer to Befrienders Worldwide. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, contact 24-hour emergency medical services

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

YYYY/MM/DD  Warm  Feeling:  欣慰

 

又一個失眠夜。金,在哪兒端的你 好不好? 醫師說我可以運用中英文來寫作,可以防止老人癡呆症。曾經寫過的繁體字會更好但寫了多年的英文簡體字,還真的有點不習慣。以下這首詩詞就現給你。是的,就是那日離別時,我過後到今時的感受。想開了,心也寬廣 ,靈感覺也更寧靜,身體也更加硬朗了。

 

安康頌

夢醒長相思 寧願長枕眠
別決已定格 心扎多晝夜
放下非易事 渴望早釋懷
謝絕安撫訊 只待心安歸

 

拱手交心知 莫怪憶難忘
相思無用處 只把雪霜加
情鎖凍結緩 溶化需待時
愛恨情儀濃 唯有眠難枕

 

放下 當下 幾週折
幸福轉角 手在握
這道場 忍受 接受 享受
永不彥敗 莫非空

 

沿著身影 自強不息
生離死別 已看透
步伐穩健 跨步走
只求今世輪回到至終

 

平安盛夏 檔寒冬
雨過天晴 甘露送
七彩祥雲 掛天空
幸福安康 溢滿濃

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**Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

Suicide content related, kindly read at one’s discretion.

 

Thursday, 22 Feb 2001, Sad 

 

三姐,it's already Eng Ming fourth month , just breast-fed him. He wailed almost every other night. Honestly, I am exhausted even though his parents excused me from household chores for the Lunar New Year that just ended on the 7th. Tomorrow is lunar 二月初一 , the fateful day you left us. Where are you now, 三姐? I wish that you are not in that cycles of repeating what you did to yourself back then. It's been also awhile since you have visited me in my dreams, so have you ascended to somewhere?? 

 

The last time when I dreamt was I took a closer look at the gold pendant you left behind as a momentum and I noticed a distorted vague small symbol engraved on it. The symbol looks like a Caduceus, usually seen at medical institutions. The person who scratched it must be very frustrated, its a shame, as the craftsmanship for the pendant seemed almost to perfection. Was that you who scratched it 三姐?

 

This pendant momentarily distracted me from my suicidal thoughts that are extended from the demands of child rearing and caregiving. Yes, 三姐, I am feeling suicidal.... the thoughts have been since prenatal.  Again I am not going to share with anyone except you whom I missed the most. I have gotten used of him not being around, he often sleeps in the living room and he told his mother that it's better this way as his work hours are pretty erratic. Yes, I and him have no intimacy eversince I was impregnated with Eng Ming. I feel so alone and lonely in this, doesn't help when his mum and extended relatives encouraged us to have another horse baby next year so it will be an auspicious 龙马精神.

 

I smiled yet in my heart i was screaming....

Give me a break!

 

My focus is on the baby... he already has an absence father, I didn't wish he has an absence mother as well, with that, my thoughts to end it all halted for awhile more.... but I know that I do have a choice to end it on my own terms, akin you. Maybe not now.... but when the day arrives, I will write to inform you.... in year 200X perhaps??? Better leave before Eng Ming form an attachment or has an impression of me, right 三姐? 

 

Yours Sincerely,

Hoon

 

SOS (Samaritans of Singapore)

1-767 (24hrs)

 

Care Email

pat@sos.org.sg

 

Care Text: https://www.sos.org.sg

accessible via Chatbox function

Daily (24hrs)

 

For International helplines, kindly refer to Befrienders Worldwide. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, contact 24-hour emergency medical services

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